01x08 - The Bully

[bunniefuu]

People all the time.

You know, in skate rap,

When you're grinding into the sunset,

And you flip on the lip and about-face so radically

That people go, "whoa!"

It's the ultimate flip-flop.

Here are some awesome examples of flip-flop phenomenon

In normal life.

First, there's personal 's.

One day, you're totally grossed out

By the thought of eating olives.

Then the next day,

They're the coolest food you ever ate.

Then there's public 's,

Like when you're bonding with the girls.

Boys! Who needs them!

No kidding.

Girls are cool.

Then all of a sudden, you're extinct.

Here's the creepiest of the decade--

I can't explain it,

And it's happening right inside my house.

Something's wrong with ferguson.

See, he's not himself.

He's...

He's nice.

[Smack]

Ooh!

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it ♪

Living with my brother fishface

Is like having your hair set on fire

And put out with a sledge hammer.

At least it was until he went soft.

This mr. Nice guy stuff is just the tip of the iceberg.

Something is rotten in the state of fergville.

Ferguson's game boy is an extension of his right arm,

So how come he took it to school

And now it's gone?

And what about his favorite baseball cap?

That's gone, too.

Here's the clue that will make your blood curdle.

Dumbo.

Wombat.

[Doorbell rings]

[Janet] somebody get that.

I'll get it.

I'll get that happy monster

Before he sugars me to death.

Oh, hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

Set it up wherever you want.

Your room is great.

Just don't use elvis' pool as a sand trap.

[Growl]

Thanks for letting me putt in your space.

I guess your dad's not into putt-putt at home.

Slipping on the golf ball

Pushed him over the edge.

What would you do if your dad did a ?

That would be gnarly!

But he can't skateboard.

No. If your dad did a in life,

A mighty flip of the unexplainable kind.

Like when I can stay up till :,

Then dad sees something on pbs about raising children,

And boom! It's bedtime?

No. Worse.

What if his whole personality changed?

Ferguson's made a severe .

He's still a republican?

Yeah.

Then how much could have changed?

You don't understand!

Ferguson's been so friendly

And so pleasant.

I don't recognize him.

It's probably a negotiating tactic,

Like be-nice-now- make-me-eat-dirt-later

Kind of thing.

Did you borrow my walkman?

No. Have you looked around?

I checked everywhere. It's definitely lost.

Where did you lose it?

If I knew where I was when I lost it,

Then it wouldn't be lost.

Oh. I see your point.

I'll look around my house.

Thanks, sam.

Maybe mom knows where it is.

What about the grandmother from flagstaff?

She broke the chain, sprained her back,

And never went dancing again.

Janet, maybe she hurt herself

Jumping over the grand canyon

On her harley.

What about this oral surgeon from rhode island?

He contracted "a painful, itchy rash."

Sunburn!

Haven't you ever heard of sunburn?

Dad, have you seen my--

Marshall, don't tempt the fates.

I have to send out of these chain letters,

Or I'll get hurt?

You'll probably lose your wedding ring, too.

This woman's toaster oven blew up.

Mom, have you seen--

Come on, janet!

I can't worry about every little thing.

I just think you should be careful.

Breaking a chain letter is like breaking a...

A promise.

How can I be breaking something

I never promised?

See! It's putting you in a bad mood.

Dear, do you need something?

I'm looking for my walkman. It's lost.

Where were you?

If I knew where I was when I lost it--

Oh, never mind.

Thanks anyway, mom.

Look, janet. I'm not superstitious.

I won't be intimidated

By this dumb chain letter.

I wouldn't do that.

You're right.

I'm not going to throw it away.

I'm going to burn it.

Marshall darling!

What about that barber in corpus christi?

Hey, squid lips, what happened to your shoes?

Well, I was out walking on coals.

Walking on coals.

It's an ancient polynesian tribal custom

Performed on the eve of the annual monsoon,

An initiation rite of the warriors.

O.k., Mr. Anthropology,

Do you know where my personal stereo is?

No.

Now, why don't I believe him?

Oh, hi, sis.

Gee, that's too bad about your personal stereo.

I really hope you find it.

How come your room looks so...

Different?

Just a little spring-cleaning.

Where's your stamp collection?

Uh, sold it.

And your chess set?

Left it on a bus.

Your remote-control lamborghini?

Drove it off a cliff.

You see--

What's going on?

Nothing.

O.k., I didn't tell you this

Because I thought you'd laugh.

I had a revelation.

An inner voice spoke to me.

In public?

No. In the bathroom.

The voice told me to donate my material possessions

To the happy land orphanage for boys.

Some deserving child has my favorite chess set.

You left it on a bus.

Oh, I did... On the way to the orphanage.

Before or after your walk on coals?

Well, actually...

Crudhead, give me my walkman!

Sis, I really don't know where it is.

Read my lips.

I want my walkman!

O.k. O.k., I admit it.

I borrowed it.

I had to...

But I left it at school.

Now get it back.

O.k.

Swear on it.

I swear I will positively get your walkman back.

I couldn't get it back.

What do you mean you couldn't?

I tried.

We've done some mean stuff,

But I don't steal your stuff.

He already had mine.

Somebody took your stereo?

It went to a worthy cause.

I get to live another day

Because I gave clifford spleenhurfer your tape player.

Wednesday I was saved by my sneakers.

Whoa! Clifford spleenhurfer?

That's bad news.

How could you let some bully

Take my stuff?

"Let" is the wrong word.

You're a wimp.

I just want to live

To graduate from junior high school.

You need a bodyguard or something.

I called an agency. It's expensive.

No one will protect me...

Unless...

Sis.

You could talk to--

How am i--

You don't know what it's like walking barefoot

In a park full of broken glass

And dog doo.

Spare me the details.

I have to think about it.

I can't believe it.

I lost it.

I was standing at the sink,

And then I looked around,

And my wedding ring was gone.

Marshall, you lost your wedding ring?

Our sacred band of marriage?

I was at the sink--

It's that chain letter.

You broke the chain.

You're doomed to have bad luck.

Forget about that stupid chain letter!

What about--oh!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Sorry about the golf balls, mr. D.

Samuel, it's not your fault.

Marshall broke the chain,

And now the fates are angry.

The fates didn't send me that nasty letter.

Jack, my ex-friend, did.

I'm going to k*ll him...

If I can ever get up again.

Don't strain yourself, dear.

It's o.k. I'm all right.

Ah!

Ooh! Ooh!

What are you scratching?

I wasn't scratching.

I was just touching my face.

You're not developing a rash, are you?

No.

Marshall.

Come on, sis.

Are you going to help your brother

Who loves and admires you?

I just want my walkman back.

Maybe you could get mine back, too.

Ferguson, this is stupid.

Tell him to come here tomorrow.

I'll set him straight.

That's the spirit!

We'll show him who's boss.

We'll teach him a thing or two!

Are you sure you want to do this?

Diplomacy is my middle name.

Clarissa.

O.k. Let's get this over with.

Is there anything I should know about clifford?

He's your basic bully.

Eats animals with his bare hands.

Well, I see you've already had your growth spurt.

Clifford, clarissa.

Clarissa, clifford.

That's newt.

Let's not b*at around the bush.

You have my walkman.

I'd like it back.

Right on! Sis.

Clifford says, where's the computer?

He didn't say anything.

It better be a color monitor

Or kiss your kneecaps good-bye.

What's this about my computer?

I told him he could have your computer.

Hand over your computer,

Or be thrashed by the master.

He didn't say that.

He doesn't talk. That's his mystique.

Clifford says he's warning you.

Why don't you talk for yourself?

He's saving his energy

For when he rips out your intestines.

You already have my walkman.

I'm not giving you my computer.

Right on!

Sis.

He'll take a stereo or a cd player instead.

This isn't radio shack!

Right on! Sis.

Maybe your mother didn't tell you,

But you can't just grab stuff you like.

Obviously he can.

Hey, let him go.

If anyone's going to clobber him,

It will be me!

Pick on someone your own size.

My walkman.

Give him your computer,

Or this will happen to you.

You creep. I'll get you for that.

Ooh. Clifford says you're on.

Be here sunday.

Turn over the computer,

Or he'll turn you into baby food.

Eh.

Do you think he means mashed, creamed,

Or strained?

Did you ever meet someone so unlucky

That they get into accidents that were meant for others?

That's dad's story since he fell under...

What happened to dad's wedding ring?

Will he have to marry the monster

Who lives in the kitchen drain?

No!

What about his broken ankle?

Will he be crippled and penniless?

Hey! Alms for the poor!

What about clifford,

The evil ogre with a thyroid problem?

Heh heh heh heh!

How will ye old story end?

Come on, champ. Let's go.

O.k., Sam.

It's training time.

♪ Listen to the words of mohammed ali ♪

♪ Float like a butterfly ♪

♪ Sting like a bee

Float like a butterfly? Sting like a bee?

♪ Hook 'em with the right and blink 'em in the eye ♪

♪ Take 'em to the cleaners and hang 'em out to dry ♪♪

Can you really make me into a k*lling machine?

Well, I can keep you from getting k*lled.

You must be prepared.

O.k. Let's lift that weight.

Uh!

Mmm!

I think I need a break.

O.k., Champ.

So how's your dad?

He's made a total .

Really?

You know how he hated chain letters

And wasn't superstitious?

Now he's really into it.

Weird.

Should have seen him hunting for his old letter.

I thought he threw it out.

He sifted through three weeks' garbage.

He found it after he cut his finger

On a bottle ferguson didn't recycle.

Give that weight another try.

O.k. Just remember...

You're the champ.

You're the champ.

[Straining] I'm the champ.

You're the champ! Come on!

I'm the champ! I'm...

Not the champ!

I'm a tiny guppy

Fighting a great white shark.

It's always the little guy who knocks out

A -pound hulk in the movies.

It's a movie!

It's because the little guy's got

A positive mental attitude.

I think it's time for an inspiration break.

I've worked up a training aide

To increase your mental toughness.

Knock his block off. Jab him in the chin.

Pop him in the kisser. Do it again.

Knock his block off? Who am I fighting?

Just some of clifford's evil ancestors.

O.k., Here's napoleon. Jab, jab.

Take that, you french fry!

Watch out for attilla the hun!

Get a hairbrush!

Ooh, hi, henry.

He's trying to k*ll you with a mutton chop.

Take that, you pig!

All right!

Let me at him.

I'll tear down clifford's playhouse

Once and for all.

That's it! Now lift that weight!

Mmm!

You're the champ!

You're the champ!

Wow. It's going to take a miracle

To b*at that big jerk.

Curse that clifford spleenhurfer!

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you thinking?

I'll put a curse on clifford!

Where will you get a curse?

Oh, dad!

Uh! Mmm!

Oh! Hey!

Hey, dad, we could take some of these letters.

That's very generous.

Thanks, sport. How many do you want?

Uh...i don't know.

.

Yeah. For me and for sam.

Aw, thanks, sam. That's great.

Here you go.

Can't send them to strangers. It won't work.

This guy's strange, but no stranger.

Guy?

You're sending letters

To the same person?

Ferguson!

I said he could have everything in my pockets.

He took my pockets, too.

What happened, son?

What happened to your shirt?

It was clifford! That scum-bucket!

He warmed up on me

Before he fights you.

Somebody's fighting clarissa?

Unless she gives him her computer.

Who is this bully?

Clifford spleenhurfer--

Professional slughead and remedial-reading king.

I don't believe this. I've cursed my family.

Curse or no curse,

No -ton gorilla will intimidate my family!

Careful, dear!

Wouldn't this be a great time

For a vacation to lower tasmania?

Nobody's going anywhere.

I'm calling clifford's parents,

And we'll settle this like rational adults.

He'll know I ratted!

He'll turn me into kitty litter!

It's o.k. Your father will work this out.

Hello. Mrs. Spleenhurfer?

Yeah, hi. My name is marshall darling.

Yes.

No, my daughter's not snotty.

It's your son--

That's impossible.

Did you bite him, sport?

He's not telling the truth.

Your son's been terrorizing my kids.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, be reasonable, huh?

No, I'm not a weenie.

If you touch my tires--

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Hey! No, no, no, no.

Tell your brat to stay away from my kids!

Uh...i wonder what's the most rational thing

To do now.

I'll be in my room...

Packing.

You really think this will work?

If the bad luck doesn't get him,

The itching powder will.

Hand-deliver them.

The powder should work in time for the fight.

O.k., Champ.

Take that, clifford, you drive-through redwood!

Pow! Pow!

Clarissa, dear.

Oh, hi, mom.

Don't get any wild ideas about fighting this bully.

Put away those gloves.

When clifford gets here tomorrow,

Leave it up to your father.

The guy on the crutches?

He's perfectly capable of taking care of him.

I know this boy has been pestering you,

But v*olence is no way--

Shouldn't I stand up for myself?

I know what you're going through,

But fighting just won't work.

When I was your age,

I had a terrible time with hillary heifer.

Really? What happened?

She hated me. She thought I was a goody-goody.

But, mom, I thought youwere a goody-goody.

Even if I was,

That's no reason to put tacks on my seat

And pour a jar of mayonnaise in my gym locker.

What happened?

Well, actually...

We moved.

You mean you never settled the score?

No.

Doesn't that burn you up?

No.

Well...yes.

Sometimes I wanted to whack--

Oh! Honey.

I'm sorry, dear.

I was just warning clarissa--

You got to let me handle clifford.

A girl must defend herself.

Fighting him is wrong.

So is being defenseless

Just because I'm a girl.

You're really going to mix it up with him?

Gee. I hope not.

I don't want to fight clifford,

But I must make sure he never bothers us again.

What about hillary heifer?

Promise me you won't let this get out of hand.

I promise.

Well, we'll be here if you need us.

Thanks, mom.

You should have seen clifford's face.

I don't think he even knows

What his zip code is.

Did you ever get the feeling

Like tomorrow's going to be your last day?

Come on.

You've just got prefight jitters.

Don't you think mohammed ali felt that way?

But--

You can get through it.

Otherwise, you'll say stuff, like,

"I could've been a contender."

I know, but--

I can see it now--

Bright lights, a smoking ring.

The air is thick with anticipation.

Now you're ready for the battle of the century.

[Ding]

Float like a butterfly.

Sting like a--

Oh! Sorry!

Are you o.k.?

[Ding ding ding]

Well, champ, it's up to you.

I got to fly.

See you, coach.

I should get some sleep.

Even fighters need their beauty rest.

Clifford's been waiting for this his whole life.

He's not cursed or itching.

We'll try the power of suggestion.

Come on, rambo.

All right.

Put up your dukes.

You, clifford spleenhurfer, are dead meat!

He has something to say.

With his mouth?

To get something off his chest.

Ahem.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me

What?

He has trouble expressing himself in words.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me

♪ Can't you see?

What's happening?

The big lug's fallen for you.

No way.

♪ Everything I need

Yep. He's gone.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

Uh, thanks.

♪ To me ♪

Guess I'll never get to use my right hook now.

One more time!

♪ You are so beautiful ♪♪

Uh! I'm never going to find that darn ring.

So what happened with clifford?

Sis was great.

Talk about a .

First, it looked like there'd be a fight,

Then a wedding.

Shut up, clam-breath.

Really?

Yeah. Standing up to clifford spleenhurfer

Must have sent him over the edge.

Clarissa and clifford sitting in a tree--

Put a sock in it!

At least you settled it.

Whatever you did obviously worked.

I don't know about that.

[Knock]

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ That's why I'll always be around ♪

He sure knows a lot of love songs.

♪ You are the apple of my eye ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ That's why I'll always... ♪♪

First comes love. Then comes marriage.

Then comes--

Maybe iwillget to use my right hook.

Mom!

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na... ♪