I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
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to see me guna strike
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like to stand on ice
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I've always been fascinated by life's
big moral questions like if you're
broken hungry is it okay to eat the
family pet hmm roast pork no laughs mmm
smell like a little as well solitary for
my bunny I take a nice carcass value I
mean you're not the only one or let's
say you are in an environment where
recreational dr*gs are acceptable would
you be cheating other people if you
parking
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hallucinogenic it's a smart drink no
thanks
I like being dumb keeps me from
realizing how bleak my life is so this
is the rain seem like a party in a cold
warehouse to me all these people gather
together with a common goal a feast for
famine relief yeah nothing like the
image of starving Africans to make you
want to strip naked and dance now that
we made an appearance can we go it's so
loud people are so common come on Lefty
open up and let the feeling wash over
you there's so much love in the end and
lubricant on the floor
my shrimp in that body her behavior is
both coarse and disgusting pig ears
my tongue is your tongue baby you like
pain baby
then kiss me
they should be ashamed they have no
sense of decorum none god bless em I can
sell Dickens to this in the name of
public decency I am NOT going to stand
for it what kind of example are you
setting for the youth of tomorrow my
goodness
you're right I don't know what got into
me
I am so sorry
come here yes scuzzy little reptile
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can we go now please I've got such a
migraine okay okay you're right
let's hit the road Spaulding you coming
if you don't mind I'll die of it don't
get any bye
laser where the hell you been the past
three hours he plucked out every single
one of my those hairs it was the most
incredible experience of my life he gave
me she sounds lovely I'd like to meet
her I don't know where she is
what man she'd pluck at my brains out
next minute she's gone okay I gotta lay
down man
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lasers you have a visitor I want to die
you are under arrest for the m*rder of
Juliette Lebowski you can't do this I
know needless to say we're all in shock
first of all we've never seen plays
erupt so laser for Juliette what a
tragedy we've got to do something
don't worry we'll get him the best legal
defense $47 can buy but first how about
breakfast I'm soft water milk pancakes
you might think we were being callous
actually we were pretty excited nothing
is good ever happened around here sex
dr*gs and m*rder
no that's entertainment so the little
mango head dude is a cold-blooded k*ller
awesome alleged cold-blooded k*ller
I always thought Riley was the one who'd
go psycho I knew he was insane his
language that crazed look in his eye the
way he put ketchup on my fettuccine
alfredo all this time under the same
roof
he might have snuffed out any one of us
you can't possibly think he k*lled her
not if I saw with my own eyes this is
all my fault I never should have taken
you to the rave don't blame yourself
Frannie even if it is your fault there's
a silver lining here maybe we'll get our
pictures in the paper this isn't a game
the girl is dead and our friend is on
trial for her m*rder
she's right it's not a game but we could
make it one ten bucks says you strangled
her with no arms it's impossible
I've got a 20 that says it was poison
stop it Ricky what do we do first we
petitioned the court to obtain the
prosecution's evidence then prepare a
detailed account of the events of the
evening there's no time to waste
I'll get on it first thing in the
morning now I got a run I'm late for
band practice his blades are really
capable of such a heinous crime was he
the embodiment of evil and if so I had
definitely been under charging him on
rent but maybe I didn't know him at all
now I wondered that I want to know his
deepest secrets I figured no one from
the rave had enough brain cells left to
make an ID I don't know man they all
look so much alike like can you dim the
lights and make them dance let us see if
this jogs your memory
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so now can you make a positive
identification does anyone else smell
those looks like we are having our
k*ller yes
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we were all in shock from the sudden
turn of events but I was determined not
to show the others how upset I was and I
think I was hiding my feelings pretty
well meanwhile Frannie and Fontaine
became more and more convinced of
blazars innocence I just know he didn't
do it Fontaine I feel it in my bones
your bones have been wrapped before
Frannie I'd follow those bones if I were
you you believe him too don't you I
believe in the basic goodness of all
mankind it's probably why people have
walked all over me my whole life it's up
to us to clear his name but where to
start well I'm probably a little more
familiar with the dark underbelly of the
world in you oh well what do you suggest
I don't have a g*dd*mn clue
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Gettys prints 3 p.m. and strap him down
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finally I get to use this textbook for
more than just sneaking cookies from the
top of the fridge I need a real lawyer
I'm under a lot of pressure relax I'm
all I've researched all the facts this
case is airtight oh thank God for them
they've got a mountain of evidence dude
I think I can plea bargain you down to
85 years less the 12 hours you've
already been here you want guilty I'll
give you guilty Riley's been cheating on
his taxes for years and then Spaulding
hasn't renewed his immigration visa I
think a good old death he's been forging
prescriptions from his doctor to get
extra meds
take it easy let's clear this up so we
can get you home oh what a relief for a
minute no black how did leech you suck
the life out there like a circus clown
with a helium balloon
hey quit crippling my client I'll have
you up on charges sorry I got carried
away I've been drinking too much
caffeine none of your evidence will hold
up in court
she was covered in teeth marks 60
witnesses fear you are biting her neck
the skid marks on her body match your
skateboard and with her last breath
she's got a note in the dirt that says
pleaser did it coincidence look I admit
the little tart and I had a fling but
when I left she was alive and kicking
kicking pretty good smart guy huh
smart enough to get away with m*rder
come here my little bedroom detective
there's something I want you to
investigate I can't believe you're just
lying there while your friend rots in
prison he was rotting while he was here
come on we're all upset but now is not
the time for petty bickering we have to
comfort one another nice try but the
nookie train has left the station I'm
going to find out who really did this
when will the nookie train be back
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keep their eye out for any piece of
evidence that might help
you found something somebody didn't
finish a nice salmon sandwich hello
dinner there's a clue here somewhere we
can't let anything get by us
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hey this ain't so bad
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at least I got my own self oh boy you
hear those stories of a guys who go to
jail and a Barney I'm glad you're home
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hey no way I'm his lawyer
sorry son justice might be blind but it
is also over five feet tall I'm his
legal representation and nothing will
stop me from serving my clients needs
alright you leave me no choice I'm
calling the truant officer Oh where's my
lawyer the funniest thing just happened
one day we'll look back on it and laugh
I'm your lawyer now oh crap
first I had to break the ice and get the
jury on my side I had to be sincere if I
could fake that I'd have him in my
pocket
ladies and gentlemen I admit I don't
have much experience so I'm just gonna
speak the truth is my client a weasel
yes a liar
certainly a cheat a backstabber and a
small-time con man without question but
a m*rder*r I doubt it I never know he
thought so highly of me so help me God
sorry Europe your highness would you
please describe the events on the night
in question
it was horrible the sights the sounds
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we were lucky to get out alive he's a
vile [ __ ] a misogynistic plague on
society without a decent bone in his
head let the record show he did not use
the word m*rder*r but I next witness
I guess it was around 11 o'clock I saw a
lot of people on your movies Bruce and
Christmas tree Colin they were so many
familiar faces and did you at any time
see the defendant m*rder anyone no I
didn't well surely he k*lled someone
bludgeoned him nice sh*t
smothered suffocated or choked though I
thought nothing of the kind
I see however he did though he would
k*ll to have a good time oh excuse me I
didn't get to finish
I know Blazer and I'm telling you that
that man is a m*rder*r
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the case against this was pretty strong
luckily Ricky and I got to talk strategy
when the judge called a recess to do
something dramatic
all right I'll sleep with the old lady
if you take care of the Siamese twins
it's risky but we've got to put blazer
on the stand our plan was to show that
blazer really cared about Juliet
play to the sentimental side of the jury
there's a gamble but her only other
option was bribery and we just didn't
have the cash I know this is difficult
but please tell us how you and the
deceased party animal meant you know me
I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy
traditional I guess you would say and
Juliet was kind of shy anything as long
as your mind yep festering floozy
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ah shucks we were just like any other
couple falling in love what a beautiful
story who knows where you two would be
today behind a white picket fence
watching your children play yep she was
a nasty piece of business all right
oh boy I did her every which way he'll
have two guys at the party did thank you
let the record show that plays are loved
the nasty piece of business Your Honor
if I'm relevant badgering the witness
this is an outrage the travesty I demand
a mistrial
I'm gonna fry like a chicken I was
starting to like this lawyer thing it's
all about showmanship presentation a few
Latin words 300 bucks an hour later
you're a lawyer hell I can do that
ladies and gentlemen of the jury no no
no no too formal guys and gals of the
jury look at you working so hard I wish
I had some evidence for you to present
it's not just blazer on trial Frannie
it's the whole legal system justice must
be served a right must be wrong so tell
me do these glasses make me look smart
you don't wear glasses yeah maybe it's
too much when it comes right down to it
it's all about the tie I like the
pinstripes Spaulding likes the dots
aren't you forgetting about blazer
you're right I'll ask him in the morning
we're getting out of here I'm gonna have
to spray myself no wonder they call it a
penal colony
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mmm minestrone excellent choice
the moment of truth my closing argument
would I get him off or what he is
Frannie so eloquently put it be some
Neanderthals [ __ ] puppet for the next
30 years let me put it simply blazer
loved Juliet if he's guilty who's next
Charles Manson Son of Sam the Boston
Strangler
I beg you find blazer not guilty you're
sure you want to do this if we're caught
we could be in a lot of trouble trouble
is my middle name your action is wrong
but sometimes I go back trouble there
she is
he's it pretty bad she stole my earrings
[ __ ] I thought they fell off when I was
dancing oh look at this these bite marks
don't match Blazers how can you be so
sure remember that night he jumped me
from behind and Spaulding had to pry him
off these marks aren't even human
they're canine if I'm not mistaken wild
dingo
this proves that blazer is missing it
was out of my hands his fate was in the
hands of a jury of his peers there was
nothing to do now but wait for the
verdict we find the defendant guilty of
all 140 charges for a total of three
hundred and nine years in jail and let
this be a lesson to you young people
don't m*rder someone you just met I'm
sure we can get a few weeks knocked off
for good behavior
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told you he didn't do it but did you
people listen hmm Juliet I've never been
so happy to see someone come back from
the dead one of my blackouts who happens
all the time
now let's party Oh rats a little worm
fairy tale we seen it blazer you're a
free man thanks Franny you too Fontaine
Oh what about your legal counsel nice
job
you got me convicted for k*lling a woman
who wasn't even dead and you too how can
I ever thank you
who knows without my friends support
they might have found me an asset well I
was in my coma I really missed you
I see you've got some nose hairs growing
back Oh life is good when you talk like
that just a moment mr. O'Reilly there is
a little matter of tax fraud some
immigration issues and forgery for
prescription dr*gs officers
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you