I thought I was smart I thought I was
right I thought it better not to fight I
thought there was a virtue and always
being
cool cuz I'm a man not aoid and there
are things you can avoid you have to
face them when you're not prepared to
face
[Music]
them
me all time you stand up for me
man cuz
[Music]
[Music]
Spaghetti
I dude you didn't have to wait I told
you I'd meet you inside I know I didn't
want to go in
alone spaghetti what kind of breakfast
is that it's dinner but your clock on
the wall said it was 9:00 a.m. there's
no clock on the wall sure there is the
one that's melted that's a Salvador
Dolly painting you then what was
the ringing noise we heard I don't know
the telephone then how come when I tried
to answer it all I heard was ticking
because that was the clock but you just
said the clock was a
painting
[Music]
spaghetti my Daddy calls it eating
string this place is awesome I can't
believe all this food is free no doubt
it's like we're in prison or
[Music]
something
I don't think there's any place to sit
sure there is we can sit right there
well we don't even know those guys this
is how you make friends dell watch and
learn what's up dudes you guys go to
college too we go to barter we all go to
barter
sweet I'm Sanford the lady from our high
school said we'd fit in at this college
then she got arrested for dating a fifth
grader did she go to
jail there was a
trial and uh he tells it
better I don't know if she went to jail
but it would be cool to be that little
kid aren't you concerned about hardened
arteries oh yeah I'm going to have the
hardest damn AR Aries they're going to
kick
ass God
unbelievable Hey I just heard a funny
joke what's the capital of Thailand do
you want to fight
Bangkok That's a classic dude you walked
right into that
one nice meeting you dudes wow you're
like Mr popular or something a my
spaghetti's
dirty toward the end of the Cold w*r
gorbachov had implemented his policies
of perista and glasnost which marked a
period of openness between the two
superpowers
uh-oh jump on the back of the
shark
sweet now who can tell me what led to
the breakup of the Soviet Union Rebecca
socialism could no longer sustain itself
in the face of Global Market forces yes
that's one of the reasons anyone
else
Sanford uh what was the question can you
tell us why the Soviet Union broke
up um their drummer
d*ed nice job Einstein you know the
amazing part I was just
guessing man am I hungry well we should
get to the cafeteria before they run out
of bread again my hands are still
blistered from that grilled cheese I
can't go dude I got switched to a new
fizzed class hit one crybaby with a
folding chair and suddenly I'm the guy
who doesn't know how to wrestle but then
who am I going to go to lunch with I
don't know I had to bring this beef
jerky to tide me
over a what a ripoff that guy sold me a
pencil well wouldn't be the first time I
ate a number two though last time I won
a dollar
come on Dell be
brave what's the Worst That Could
[Music]
[Applause]
Happen good afternoon everyone welcome
to Special Ed fiz Ed wait a second this
is special
ed um Professor Larry's bag came up
again
I'm going to kick so much ass here it's
sick um Joe you want to go to the
cafeteria with me H interesting no one's
ever asked me that before but no I'll be
transferring out of here soon so
although it was nice of you to ask any
social gesture on my part would be
pointless what was the question dude I'm
open pass it
here
foul thanks for letting me eat here Todd
sure I used to be afraid of the
cafeteria too I didn't have any friends
when I was a freshman but now that I'm
an RA I have 40 friends actually if you
count my figurines it's more like
56 then there's my Star Wars pillow case
oh 62 I didn't used to count Darth Vader
but then in the third movie oh and
there's the creek in the door which is
kind of like an old friend I call it
doron's
Creek come on Dell be out going be like
Sanford is the seat open sure thing
buddy the whole table's open we would
just leave it
what is someone sitting here no have
great we need these two
chairs oh this is a disaster hi a
stranger mind if we join you no I I mean
yes um
sure do you guys go to college too of
course we do silly bones hey aren't you
the one who's always hanging around that
other guy you know the big guy oh yeah
that's Sanford everyone knows Sanford
he's like like Mr popular that guy's a
douchebag what yeah he is I don't like
to use that word but he is a douchebag
yeah he is total douchebag he's a
douchebag E I didn't see they had
[Music]
Tacos del check it out crippled Steve
left his wheelchair outside the showers
he probably needs that hey look at me
I'm a
[Music]
quadruplet
what's wrong with you this is hilarious
this is even better than the last time I
stole a wheelchair I guess
so hey Dell what's going on I'm just
watching sford roll up and down the
hallway what are you doing I'm heading
over to the student newspaper we're
starting layout tonight want to
come get out of my parking spot you
bastards
okay hey where are you guys going wait
up oh my God God Sandford's a
Dell
pargal oh we have a visitor welcome
welcome well I'm Dell you probably don't
remember me we ate lunch together a few
hours ago of course we remember you
goofy Gus I can't believe you guys put
together a whole newspaper how do you
come up with all those ideas it's a team
effort right now we're helping Barry
come up with a headline about death on
campus death on campus what did you say
uh death on campus I was just oh my God
that's brilliant death on campus that
one had Barry stomped for days I was not
stumped don't tell him I was stumped wow
you're good he can't come up with
headlines maybe after he's worked on the
school newspaper for 3 years or w a
student piter for his daring expose on
Library hours oh Barry take a chill pill
we have a
library oh my God that so sacal it's a
commentary on how the library is almost
never open great job delzer oh my God I
just called him delzer that's so funny
isn't that
funny who's delzer that's like the
coolest nickname I had a nickname once
in high school they called me pillow
butt that's so you I
know hey who was that president with the
beard and the top hat Abraham Lincoln no
this guy gave a really important speech
about sl*very or something it's Lincoln
you Lincoln delivered the
Gettysburg Address you're thinking of
someone else the guy I'm talking about
was involved in a big w*r the Civil w*r
how stupid can you un Sam that's it
Uncle Sam thanks man no problem I'm kind
of a history buff all right that's
enough education for one day let's go
eat I can't my new friends invited me to
go see a feminist comedian you what why
don't you come with us you're always
saying we should try new things go on
adventures drive around in a van and
solve Mysteries that's different those
are all my ideas this is your idea and
that sounds pretty selfish to me you go
ahead though maybe I'll meet you there
Abraham Lincoln does this refresh your
memory dude are you trying to bribe me
cuz I can't be
bought all right what do I have to eat I
don't know I think you guys would like
Sanford H maybe we were thinking of a
different person this guy was gross and
weird looking no that sounds like him
but he's a good guy we met in high
school we used to get b*at up together
by the same g*ng in high school I was on
the yearbook staff well that was the
g*ng sh you guys are making too much
racket can't hear my book on
tape now I have to
rewind are you there God it's me
Margaret where's that voice coming from
oh
Todd
delzer and for extra credit I want you
to translate this ancient Greek Treatise
on human anatomy into Latin sweet
somebody congratulate me I just gave
birth to a 6B 4 o baby boy don't you
want to know what I named him no brownie
brownie Von turme III and he's got his
father's hair that's almost as funny as
yesterday's brownie Von turd Meister II
yeah but this is funny for different
reasons Dell would have thought it was
funny yeah well Dell's an imbecile nah
it was probably just over your
head I'm bored
oh my God is Joe wearing a dress in that
picture oh this is too good to keep to
myself tell a crap hey Todd check out
this picture of Joe and a dress oh I get
it Todd was born with both male and
female reproductive
organs you know how on airplanes they
give you that little bag of peanuts what
I can't figure out is how come men are
Neanderthals who have been oppressing
women since the dawn of
time wow he's great look at this guy in
the front row he's like not me not me
this guy's got rapists written all over
him you don't got me good of course I
was asking for a chin in the front
[Music]
row oh my God what kind of monster would
wear such a horrible
garment hey dude I made it you've worn
the same shirt every day for as long as
I've known you why' you have to change
into that one tonight no problem if you
don't like it I'll take it
off how insensitive Sanford this is not
cool and it's not even true they're fat
girls look at Becky you tell him delzer
fine if it means that much to you I'll
take this one off
too there is no g*n please put that
offensive shirt back on let's get out of
here this is the last feminist comedy
night I invite you to Barry wait up oh
yeah well maybe this is the last
feminist comedy night you ever invite me
to swish I'll find some new friends
too those are
fake this is stupid where do people go
to find new friends the dorm H there's
usually some dudes in the shower maybe
I'll start hanging out
there
[Music]
hey dudes dude your leg is awesome can
you guys take me to the hospital I think
I need some medicine oh man we were kind
of on our way to a movie at the drivein
is Wesley stripes in it no Arnold
Schwarz look guy we got to get going if
we're going to snag that parking spot by
the women's bathroom can I come with you
guys you got any money well I have the
shirt that's clever it really says
something you know something about fat
girls all right come on we'll sneak you
in the
trunk
thanks I'm
s hey a road flare
cool oh no that's not good ow ow a fire
extinguisher
uh-oh dudes tell me when I need to be
quiet until then I'm going to work on my
wraps zered in the chis
[Music]
boy dude this dude is all like dude say
no
[Music]
more Are We There
Becky
Yet hey Becky thanks for tutoring me
this past week it's really pain off one
Professor actually handed back my quiz
instead of throwing it at my head my
pleasure D I think you'll find that
success breeds success my uncle breeds
rabbits hey who's that guy in the dress
that's the dean you PUD the doser called
it a
[Laughter]
dress oopsie I just baked an air muffin
D Swanson you are outrageous with a
capital O and there's nothing I like
more than a Big O
then you must love that Hollywood sign I
prefer the Washington
Monument I've seen it looks nothing like
him he's not funny why are you guys
laughing that's just stupid oh Barry go
egg Hey Barry what's the capital of
Thailand hey guys grab me a Zagnut or
some Bon
bonss you should have seen me just now
now in the cafeteria I walked right up
to the most crowded table and sat down
not
interested I just wish sford were here
to see how well I'm doing when he's not
here ah when is this movie going to
start you haven't had any food in days
here eat this it's not an oily rag it's
a piece of
lasagna the don't do it boo it's a trick
he got you to eat the tire and we all
know how that ended shut it
leprechaun
[Music]
sweet the bathroom is for customers
only well don't worry son a lot of
people lead normal lives with only one
testicle how'd this happen anyway well
someone asked me what the capital of
Thailand was and I said
Bangkok sorry I couldn't help myself oh
That's a classic so I uh I guess we
better have a look at then hope you're
hungry for popcorn I busted out the
movie theater style remember when you
had to go all the way to the movie
theater to get movie theater style
popcorn it's almost like we're living in
the future or in a movie theater Becky
is so awesome she's really great don't
you think I guess she has such a good
sense of humor she's smart and
reasonable attractive Becky's awesome
don't you think Becky's awesome are you
still
talking oh my God I forgot my student ID
at the library I better go get it you
can start the movie without
me I don't know how to say this but I
think Janice likes you now D Swanson
can't you ever be
serious I need your help with a headline
Mr Wordsmith the story is about girl she
falls in love with this super guy but
she isn't sure if he feels the same way
about her does this story have any
nudity in it she wants to tell this guy
how she feels but she's
afraid so tell me does a story have a
happy ending write me a headline D
Swanson I'll write you a headline Dell
Swanson unib baller kills campus wit
Barry I don't get it what's a unib
baller that's me I had to have one of my
testicles removed because of your stupid
Bangkok joke first you steal my
headlines then my testicle and then my
girl I can't believe I have two men
fighting over me well actually one and a
half I guess I lost my
gift I had a hell of a run Barry is this
true what you say yes I love you I've
always loved you no silly bones I mean
about your
goad
[Music]
d
d Sanford dude help me open the
trunk man am I glad to see you yeah I'm
glad to see you too and your Coke give
me
that what are you doing in there we're
sneaking into a drive-in movie want to
come with us
sure you're not going to believe what
I've been through lately some chick
tried to kiss me dude you scored without
me not really well I guess so sort of
that's awesome you're the first one of
us to score in college you're like Mr
popular yeah I'm Mr
popular
01x03 - New Friends
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Show revolves around two lifelong dim-witted friends, named Sanford and Del and their misadventures at the fictional Barder College.
Show revolves around two lifelong dim-witted friends, named Sanford and Del and their misadventures at the fictional Barder College.