01x05 - The D-List

[bunniefuu]

Settle down,
gonads.

Oh, sweet jonas,
it's cold out here.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

I hope that's
a third nipple.

It's time for our annual
polar bear plunge,

Where brave souls run headlong
into the icy surf.

Stupid people,
take your places..

Bro, how are you
not freezing?

It's like


Back in jersey, this is
primo belly shirt weather.

Can you believe this freakin'
heat wave we're having?

It's a freakin'
scorcher.

"deck my balls."

oh, that's a good shirt.

Yeah,
or maybe he's warm because

He has the thick,
insulating blubber layer

Of the arctic walrus.

Thanks for tutoring me
in marine science, babe.

Couldn't have made
that fat joke without you.

At least he has
the balls to participate.

Come on, mondo.
This is gonna be fun.

Sometimes I fear
I'll end up sad and alone,

Like the ecuadorian
hermit crab.

Damn,
that girl can tutor.

Ah!
Cold, cold, cold!

I got hyp--
I got hypo--

Hypotherm--
I'm very cold!

This is all you,
bro.

That's my boy!

You're awesome,
mondo!

I can't feel
my legs!

Is that
my bathing suit?

And my pride?

Congratulations,
ladies.

I know it was
a tough night.

But based on
personal experience,

Pool parties, unconfirmed
sextings, and vicious rumors,

We have finally compiled
our most comprehensive ranking

Of penis size
at playa del toro high ever.

b*tches, I give you
the d-list.

Stop the presses!

Big news
from the par bear plunge.

There's something
you need to see.

I really think you're making
way too much out of this, mondo.

Mondo? I know not of this
"mondo" that you speak of.

I am sheriff
mustachio van d*ke,

Transfer student
from...

Cowboy city, usa.

No sane person
is gonna buy it, bro.

Morning, woodie.
Sheriff van d*ke.

aah!

Mondo, you have got to quit
sneaking up on people like that.

By the by,
I was at the arcade,

And it seems
a certain dynamic duo

Now has the top score
on m.M.A. Blood blast!

Tokens accepted! Blood brothers!

Join the fight!

Bam!

What are all these flyers?

Oh, these are--
nothing.

Nothing that
pertains to you.

The "d-list"

Every guy in school
is on here.

Turk's first,
and I'm at the bottom.

It's the--
dude list!

And you're
the newest dude in town,

So you're last.

And let's not talk
about it anymore.

Oh, hey,
mon-dork.

Congratulations on your
last place showing.

Thanks, milan. It's just
a pleasure to be included.

And I hear we're getting some
chinese transfer students soon.

Ought to bump me up
a few places, right?

I guess.
Gross.

Oh, hello there,
mondo brando.

Allow us to formally
welcome you to hell.

What?

We're your neighbors
at the bottom of the d-list.

I'm also the valedictorian, and
he's a national merit scholar.

But no one seems
to care about that.

Gentlemen,
adieu.

Oh, that little one
gives me the creeps.

I'd like to thank
my balls for support,

My best girl jeena
for being with me

Through the ups
and downs,

Boobs
for all the hard times,

You know
whose you are,

And especially
the little people.

The d-list isn't
the dude list, is it?

Uh, you better
shake a leg, ma.

The movers will be here
in the morning.

We're not going back
to jersey.

Look, honey, kids are always
gonna be little pricks.

I-I-I mean,
cruel.

This sucks, munchkin,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

But you can't just
run away.

You gotta find a way to
stand up for yourself.

Remember the family motto!

"you mess with a brando,
you get the back of the hando."

You know,
in my mud wrestling days,

I had that on the back
of a cape.

Look at you.

Comfortably average, cute
enough, extremely sensitive.

You're like the michael cera
of penises.

I call mine "will smith"
because he's got urban cred,

But white women find him
non-threatening.

this is bad, dude.

I was up all night,
imagining ways

To flash my room temperature
schlong to the whole school.

Be careful.

Lonnie did that once
by accident,

And now he can't park within


Yeah. Besides, I gotta find
a way to take down that list.

Not just for me,

But for all the other guys
stuck at the bottom.

That's very noble of you,
bro.

I know,
right?

Guys, a little help

Give 'em hell,
bro!

Mm. We're, like, having
a d-list top ten party later.

Bonfire
on the beach.

So why are you
telling me?

You don't know?

We totally hope you
can make it, number five.

♪ my pride?

♪ my bathing suit?

♪ my pride?

there he is!

I was just making you
my ringtone!

How funny is that?

Principal gurniel,
um, I was hoping

We could talk
about something.

Discreetly,
just between you and me.

Sure,
sure.

Slip off your shoes,
and pull up a pillow.

I'll light
a conversation candle.

All right, I was hoping to get
the d-list banned from school.

See, it's harassment,
it's bullying,

And it's ruining
people's lives.

Those are some serious gripes,
amigo.

But before I hit shuffle
on my policy-pod,

I better hear the b-side
of this argument.

Milan stone, please report
to the principal's office.

No!
I said "discreetly."

Chill out,
compadre.

You've gotta mellow
those dramatics.

Now, I'm just
gonna go ahead

And light
a conflict resolution candle.

If this is about us
creating a fake profile

With zac efron's picture and
setting up a date at the diner

With that fat girl and then
there was nobody there but us,

Laughing at her stupid,
fat face...

It wasn't me.

no, no,
that's not it.

It seems mondo here has
a little problem with your list.

He can't tell me
what to do.

Milan makes
an excellent point.

Mondo and milan: Huh?

I believe milan is exercising
her first amendment right

To freedom of speech.

I don't need to exercise.
He does.

Are you kidding me?

I doubt the founding fathers
had a penis chart in mind

When they wrote
the bill of rights.

Ratifying this document
will protect the liberties

Of all
of our citizens.

Now everyone whip out their
hancocks to see who signs first.

you can't
get rid of the d-list!

It's like
an institution!

sl*very
was an institution!

Ooh,
he said "sl*very."

That's r*cist.
Suspend him.

Whoa, whoa!
Oh!

I can see we've got
a hot button issue here.

And I have the perfect way
to put an end to it.

thank god.

attention, students.

This Friday's assembly will be
a debate about the d-list.

Arguing on the side
of free speech, milan stone.

Arguing on the side
of tiny penises, mondo brando.

Hey,
it worked!

Nice pipes,
boys.

And to think, before the d-list,
we couldn't fill a seat.

Now put on
your viking helmets

For the opera finale.

You okay,
man?

Hmm, well,
let's see.

Public nudity,
public speaking...

Throw in spiders
and a sarah palin presidency,

And all my nightmares
have come true.

Very cool.
Very political.

I know, right?

There's no way in hell
I'm doing this stupid debate.

Sup, woodie

I think it's awesome
that you're debating milan.

Maybe we'll take down this
stupid list once and for all.

So how are you gonna
get out of the debate?

Get out of the debate

You heard the lady,
I'm in it to win it!

Besides, it'll be good
to finally put an end

To this kind of sexual
objectification.

hi, woodie.

Whoa! She's, like,
a 9.2 on the dichter scale!

That's, like, the fifth hot girl
that's creeping on you.

What's that about?

I don't know, man.
Maybe it's my new shampoo.

hi, woodie.

hi, woodie.

I said hi first!

Man, I gotta get me
some of that shampoo!

Ah, there's my stooges!

You guys missed
another great performance

At the glory hole
"te-atre."

I hear next season,
they're doing sperm-alot!

So if you don't have
any plans tonight,

I thought us boys could bone up,
plug away, grind it out,

Cram it good, put our heads down
and bury our noses in it.

What?

Get your mind
out of the gutter!

I am talking about doing
debate research at the library!

I always wanted to do it
in a public place.

That would be awesome.

I can use all the help
I can get.

Uh, yeah, guys.
You know what?

I'm gonna meet
you there.

I just have an errand
I gotta run.

This is
so empty.

How can they afford
to stay open?

The same way they keep
city parks and hospitals open.

They rent out space
to the adult film industry.

I'd like to return
this book,

But it's too big
to fit in the slot.

Maybe you should push
a little harder.

That dialogue
is terrible.

No, that's
the actual checkout desk.

p*rn is over there.

Do me decimal system,
take two.

Oh, hello,
fellow readers!

Welcome to the library.

The only safe haven from those
jerks at the top of the list.

Until now!

Some cyber-bully
just hacked my facebook

And tagged me with hundreds
of penis photos.

That's not right.

They're even calling you
"d*ck noodle."

Nope,
that's my name.

It's pronounced
"nu-dell."

All right,
let's get started.

I just gotta fire up
my ipad.

Why did we come here
if we're using that?

Untraceable wifi

And the softest toilet paper
in town!

I need some
reading material.

Oh, maya angelou!

That's my jam.

Whoa! Where are you going,
beanpole?

I'm number five.

Why didn't you
say so?

Right this way.

Woodie!

What's up, wood-man?

How about a drink?
I don't know.

I'm not planning on staying
that long.

Yeah, cool.
Totally.

Hey, you mind holding this
a second in your mouth?

Ah.

I'm afraid our argument
to control free speech

Is not looking good.

Apparently,
laws have protected

These scandalous gossip rags
throughout history.

I know! They even
had sexting back then.

Check out
this dirty telegraph

From president taft
to his mistress.

"you're turning me on.
Stop.

"why did you stop?
Stop.

"undo your corset.
Stop.

"disregard my stops.
Stop.

"oh, baby.
Stop.

"here it comes.
Stop.

"stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I've stopped it
all over your face. Stop."

this is getting us
nowhere.

And where the hell
is woodie?

I can't believe
he stood me up.

Well,
whatever he's doing,

He cannot possibly be having
as much fun as we are.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Oops.

Will you stop
dropping your pencil?

Sorry!
Butterfingers.

Hey, thanks for helping me out,
wadska.

You really
came through.

I'm a little worried
about woodie, though.

He didn't even call.
Why are you worried?

He looks like he's having
the greatest time of his life.

Woodie?

Woodie!

What the ?

Hey, woodie, you better
go control your woman.

ooh, ice cream!

Hey, dude!
Don't "hey, dude" me.

you're drunk.

I can smell it
on your breath.

Oh, sorry,
I guess I got caught up

At this
top ten party.

I'm number five.

Number five

You saw the list.

But all you cared about
was your own name.

Besides, I didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.

So you got wasted
with turk?

And four of the hottest
half-naked girls I've ever seen?

Well, okay,
one's kind of a butterface.

But how can you be
so selfish?

Selfish?

Because for one night
I went to an awesome party

Instead of hanging out
with you?

But you're my friend,
and they're the enemy.

They're not
my enemy.

Come back, dude.

Your beer's getting warm,
and your girl's getting cold.

Maybe you should go back
to your new friends

And their perfect breasts.

But dear god, that one...
She's like a schnauzer.

What is she,
somebody's cousin?

Go ahead.
Go.

Maybe I will.
Good.

Ice cream!

I didn't know what you wanted,
so I took a risk.

Fudge ripple!

Aw, I knew I should've gone
with vanilla.

sorry, mon-dumpster.

You had
your mouth open.

I thought you were
the garbage can.

Dude,
that wasn't very cool.

Whoa, number five doesn't
tell number one what's cool

Unless he wants to end up
in a 69 with my fist.

now, come on.

We got rehearsal
for damn wankees.

Oh, thank god,
you guys made up.

Oh, that's just
the garbage can.

♪ I know you were right

♪ believing for so long

aah!

You ditched me. That's
the definition of ditching.

♪ I know I was so wrong

♪ I know you were right

♪ believing for so long

♪ what am I without you?

♪ I know I was so wrong

that used to be us.

Oh, why, babs brando?

Why are men so difficult?

If I could answer
that riddle, honey,

I wouldn't be standing here
serving you shirley temples.

Wadska, are you okay?

Is this going to be like
the time you tried to fly

With a cocktail umbrella?

Ha ha ha! No.

It's mondo and woodie.

Those boys
are driving me crazy!

I never realized how much
I loved being a third wheel.

Coming up with wacky schemes,

Then ducking out before
the consequences hit--

God! I miss that.

We were the three caballeros,

And it worked for us.

All the best things
in the world

Come in triangles--

The great pyramids,

Hamantashen cookies,

Triangles...

Oh, let's think.

There has to be a way we can
bring them together again.

here you go.

Tsunami burger with m.M.A.

M.M.A.?

Mustard, mayo, and avocado.

That's it, babs.
M.M.A.!

I have got to get
to the arcade!

Wadska, away!

♪

Tokens accepted.

Blood brothers,
join the fight.

You know this doesn't
change anything.

Why would it?

So ready for the debate
tomorrow?

Been working on it nonstop,

But I don't have much
of an argument.

Guess I lack
the k*ller instinct.

Gaaaah!

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

The whole deal
is just a scam.

Saw casa taking a leak.

He's hung like a peanut.

That does make me
feel better.

Kaah!

You're a real dong detective.

Ooh!
Hyuh, hyuh!

Okay. Big finish.

Remember the move

I invented it.

We did it!
We did it.

Hey, mondo...

I know, buddy.
Me too.

Let's never let our peckers
come between us again.

That sounded way better
in my head.

I wonder who this winnie is.

Player three
has joined the game.

Your first name is winnie?

Winthorp aguilera wadska.

That's my name.
Don't wear it out.

Yeah, I don't think anyone's

Going to wear that out.

Now let's see
if we can win a debate.

D-list is going down.

Hug?
Sure.

Kiss? Oh. All right.
After the debate.

Are you ready
for some penis...

Debate?

Freedom of speech!

Get it?
You can say ,

Because if they don't
let you say ,

Then it is censorship.

Close your face holes,
miscreants.

For today's debate,

We'll follow basic
parliamentary rules.

We'll break every 15 minutes

So I can smoke a parliament.

Miss stone,
we flipped a coin,

And despite the results,

You shall go first.

Hey, guys.

Instead of just talking
about freedom of expression,

I thought I'd just
express myself freely.

Hit it, girls.

I just love this country
so much.

♪

Well, I think
we have a winner.

Oh, yeah. You're on the clock,
shrinky dink.

All right.

I guess I gotta fight sex
with sex.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's how
we got into this mess.

Here's your speech.

Now, just follow this verbatim

And victory will be ours.

Wadska, these are blank.

Precisely!

Because the answer
is in here.

It's been in there
all along.

No! Wadska,
I really need that speech.



Hello, everybody.

I guess all I can do
is speak from the heart.

♪ my pride?

Oh, what's up,
pinocchio?

Hi, sis.
Brad abelson told everyone

I took a dump
in the sink at school.

But I didn't!

That dump was already there.

Oh, just tell everyone
he's a hermaphrodite.

The only way
to k*ll a rumor

Is with a better rumor.

Could we have
a brief recess?

Five minutes.

Okay, remember
what I told you.

Thanks, dude.

Hey, you're my boy,
brother.

Milan, can I talk to you
privately?

There's nothing my friends
can't hear.

Okay. Just wanted
you to know

That I'm going to distribute
these papers in the morning.

It's called the "s.P. List."

I'll give you a hint.

The first word is "smelly."

b*at it, nosy b*tches.

Look, I know what
you're trying to do here.

But it's not going to work,
okay?

Everyone knows I smell
like roses and butterscotch.

Your rumor is a total lie.

So is the d-list.

Mm, but I suppose
you're right.

People don't listen to rumors.

Anyhoo, I'm off
to the copy machine.

It seems miss stone
has forfeited the debate.

Victory belongs
to the little penis.

Once again,
this school does nothing

To prepa you
for the real world.

According to the terms
of the debate,

The d-list
will be abolished forever.

And, to be consistent,

We're also abolishing
the honor roll.

All right!
Whoo! That's so wonderful!

Congratulations, mondo.

You did it!

Thanks.
And, uh, ahem.

Just to clear the air,

I don't really have
a small penis.

Oh, I know.
We all know.

Your fly was open
the entire time.

All right.
I'll give you props on that.

I'm so proud of you.

I think you earned this,
champ.

Thanks, man.

Milan totally caved
about the s.P. List.

Yeah.
The smelly people list

Would have rocked
el toro high to its core.

And now for that kiss.