[Eyes blinking noise]
I know, I'll be safe, mom.
You're a good child.
[Mmmwaa]
I trust your judgment.
- You pinned a condom
on me, didn't you?
- What?
Those shorts
don't have pockets.
- I have a business proposition
for you, woodford.
- [sighs]
- Mmm.
- Didn't you just have
a cigar?
- That was the cigar
before the cigar.
You have a lot to learn,
son.
That's why this week,
you're coming to work for me.
- But this is my one week
to do nothing but surf.
- Look, I'm not sure
if you're aware of this,
But I took quite a bit
of flak
For the company's last
commercial spot.
At the stone corporation,
We don't make
the breast implant.
We make it larger.
We don't make the
field-hockey stick.
We make it shorter.
[cheering]
At the stone corporation,
we genuinely believe
That we're making the world
a better place every day...
By making it a little
easier on the eyes.
Unfortunately, our profits
have been in decline
Because of my public image.
[grunting]
That's a problem,
And you're the solution.
- Why me?
- My shareholders will
shake hands
With the heir to my throne
and realize
That I've built
a family company,
That I have values, morals, and
a love for all living things.
[animal shrieks]
Picture us side-by-side,
Father and son spending
quality time.
- Sorry, dad.
That doesn't sound like
quality time to me.
- You're playing harall.
I respect that.
But in my experience,
a no is just a delayed yes.
[tires screech]
- Spring break ladies,
show me your--
[wind blows]
Balls!
- You okay, dude?
- No, woody.
Where's all the easily
accessible booze,
The drunk college girls,
With their lowered sexual
standards?
I was supposed to be
statutory-r*ped this week!
That was always the plan!
- I hate to break it to you,
bro, but playa del toro
Has never been a big spring
break destination.
- Not true, muchachos.
Let me show you something.
Way before your time,
there was a year called 1992.
Public toilets didn't
flush themselves.
You could wear a jean jacket
without looking gay.
And, if you were so inclined,
You could get absolutely
plastered on the beach,
Without waking up
in handcuffs!
And it looked a little
like this.
Or exactly like this,
because this is it, man.
- That was here?
- On the very same sand.
- Why would they make it
illegal to drink on the beach?
- I don't make the laws, boys.
[inhales]
I just live by them.
[coughs]
- Hey, boys!
- Mom?
- Yeah, I'm going to
need that tape thing
And the mysterious machine
that plays it.
- Sure, help yourself
to whatever you want,
Except for the commemorative
princess di plates.
[tearful]
goodbye, England's rose.
[cheering]
- [retches]
- That should have been me!
- Dude, we have everything
we need
For a kick-ass spring break
right here.
We got tunes...
[radio dies]
We got babes...
And a warm matt's
semi-hard lemonade.
Who am I kidding?
This is so--
- Fantastic?
Ooh!
Fit women and fine liquor.
What a spread.
You two know how to live.
May I join you?
[police siren]
- Is that an alcoholic
beverage on the beach?
- Oh, I'm so sorry,
officers.
I had no idea I was in any
violation of--unh!
You'll never take
me alive, [bleep]!
[vocalizing]
[g*n cocks]
- Dude, are you kidding me?
For underage drinking?
- He's underage?
That's a far more
serious offense.
[r*fle cocks]
Well, beyond our jurisdiction.
- You boys have a great day.
Let's go do
some racial profiling.
- Unh!
Did you see that?
The long arm of the law
reached for me
But I gave those officers
the reach-around!
- What did they mean
by "jurisdiction"?
- We've got to research this.
If only there was a place where
this kind of information
Was readily available
to the public.
[phones beep]
- Technically, there
are holes in the globe
That don't fall under the law
of any one nation.
- International waters.
- So if we're floating
- We could do--
- Whatever we damn well please.
[laughs]
[groovy rock music]
♪ ♪
[police siren]
- We did a little research.
According to howstuffworks.Com,
you boys are still subject
To the laws of this coastline.
- Read this, lawmen!
"on the open seas, a vessel
is subject to the laws
Of the country's flag
it flies."
- And in jamaica...
[jamaican accent] there be no
drinking age at all, man.
[reggae music]
♪ ♪
- Posted.
Just changed my status
on facebook to "legally drunk."
- Does jeena check
your facebook page?
- It's legal to drink
off the shore?
- Can't hear you over
the racehorse, baby.
I'll be out in a minute.
[laughs]
- And jeena's friends with...
- A party in the ocean?
And they laughed
when I paid $11,000
For a louis vuitton
inner tube.
- And milan is friends
with everyone!
[music plays over ultrasound]
- ♪ baby baby baby oh ♪
- It's definitely a boy.
[phone rings]
- Ignore?
That's even ruder
than not answering.
[phones ringing]
[reggae music]
♪ ♪
- Get the beads.
+
- Five quarters
and a yellow sweet tart.
- Oh, I should have known
open mic night was a mistake.
- So I was flying
on an airplane last week
And the person who was
in the seat next to me...
[belches]
Was me.
- I don't think that's it.
- It's called "floatopia,"
And it could be the biggest
spring break party of all time.
Apparently the founding
fathers of the event
Are these three students from
playa del toro high school.
- Mondo?
[cheering]
[scattered groans]
- Hello!
- [disgusted grunt]
[phone rings]
- hey, ma. It's amazing!
A girl did a body sh*t
off me,
It tickled, and now I'm
a little sticky, but I loved it.
- It sounds like it's time
for some stern parenting.
Don't you think?
- Whoo! Why are
clothes still on?
- Well, okay,
I'm a little worried,
But I'm going to trust
you on this one, honey.
- Hi!
- [frustrated sigh]
why does that weird little kid
Have so many sexy
bathing suits?
[party music]
♪ ♪
[cheering]
- Chip off the old brock.
[cheering]
- Mondo, this is the most
amazing party I've ever seen.
- Look around.
No cops, no teachers, no rules,
no suggested serving sizes.
This isn't just a party,
it's paradise!
- Think you could
give me a tour?
- This is the fun zone.
There's activities
for everyone.
Wet t-shirt contests...
[cheering]
Arts and crafts...
[cheering]
Or headier pursuits.
- This ancient city
was sunk by the gods
For it's unchecked
arrogance and debauchery.
- What is--
[scream]
[cheering]
- That's not fair.
She didn't even get
a chance to--
[cheering]
[laughter]
- We also have snorkeling taught
by our resident raft-afarian.
Believe it or not,
This counts as course credit
at uc santa cruz.
- What about bathrooms?
- Last tube on your right.
[plop]
- I have to hand it you,
mondo.
You thought of everything.
Everyone's having a blast.
- They're touching me
everywhere, dude.
Everywhere!
- Whoo!
[laughs]
- Now this is
titillating conversation.
- Maybe some people
are having too much fun.
What the hell are you doing?
- I'll be right back,
ladies.
Feel free to keep drinking.
What are you
so mad about, jeena?
We're in a land relationship.
I could never commit to being
in anything exclusive
On the open seas.
- Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't
be in any relationship at all.
And you're gross.
- [slow motion] no!
- Not cool, jeena.
That was a major party foul.
We're almost out of booze.
- Is it true?
- Even the boxed
wine is gone, dude.
- What are we going to do?
People are going to sober up.
- Aw, are those
freckles or pimples?
- Uh, you have gingivitis.
- Whoa, you're a shark?
- Oh, this is
about to get ugly.
We need beer for 2,000
delivered in 2 minutes!
It's impossible.
[boat horn]
All: Shartz! Shartz!
Shartz! Shartz!
- Is there a mr. Stone here?
I was told he would
be my contact.
- I guess I'm mr. Stone.
- Well then, shall we
talk some business?
- I'm being molested!
I love my life!
+
- Corporate transportation,
Key to the corporate suite
onboard,
And your corporate sunglasses.
- Two pairs?
- You'll figure it out.
Now all I ask of you
is for one signature
Making shartz the official
beverage of floatopia.
[evil laugh ringtone]
Sorry, thought that
was on vibrate.
Well done.
We've been trying to find a way
to supply alcohol
To underage teens
for decades.
- [blows whistle]
[cheering]
- Ah!
[shells f*ring]
[party music]
♪ ♪
- Mom, why are you
calling me at work?
- Honey, I want to trust you,
But it seems like
things are getting
A little out of control
out there.
- Everything's fine.
I'm in the weeds here.
I got to go.
- [slurring]
just screw turk.
He can't have this.
[swallows vomit]
- Uh, I think we should
get you some rest.
You know, as soon as woody gets
back to take over the bar,
We're going to find a place
for you to lie down, okay?
- You're the best, mondo.
Your face is sweet
and round like a milk dud.
[beep]
- Whoa.
Whoa!
[engine revs]
whoa!
- Where'd you get
all that new stuff?
- Corporate suite.
- Well, that's awesome.
Hey, would you mind
covering the bar?
I've been on duty all night.
- Is that all you got,
lohan?
- I'm going to go
get you some water, okay?
Hmm.
Weird.
Now that doesn't
even make sense.
How is that cleansing?
Sorry, jeena, for some reason
even the shower doesn't--
Oh, my god!
- Want to take a nap
with me?
- You're cleared
for takeoff, captain.
Right into
the friendly thighs!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- [frenzied moans]
- Seriously?
- What?
This [bleep] doesn't happen
to us every day.
Don't be such a p*ssy.
- So what's
it going to be, mondo?
- [sighs]
We're going to go
get you some water.
- I think your boobs
are softer than mine.
- Thanks, I guess.
I use jojoba oil.
Whoa.
- Want me to blow up
your raft for you, baby?
- Whoa!
Whoa.
I was wrong, mom.
Floatopia is out of control.
It's a horrible place
and it's all my fault.
What am I supposed to do now?
- Well, anyone can walk
away from a problem,
But it takes a bigger person
To walk back in
and to make it right.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Snapple cap.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of her.
Look, if I had a dollar
for every time
I've been naked,
passed out on a beach I--
I--
I'd have $3.
Look, I'll go
get her some water.
- [belches]
- And a toothbrush.
I am going to make this right.
- What did you bring me
up here for?
Now my shirt is all sweaty
from all that walking, dude.
Not cool.
This is vintage.
- What's happened to you,
man?
How many pairs of those
do you have?
- What am I supposed to do with
a picture of spencer pratt?
- No, man.
That's you.
It's all right, woody.
We've all lost
a little perspective.
Look at this place.
- Performing what?
- We have to fix this.
Party people
of floatopia,
May I have your attention?
Thank you.
We're drunk, sunburned,
And making all sorts
of bad decisions.
Look how low we've sunk.
For christ's sake,
john gosselin is here!
At the very least,
lets start recycling our trash
And find a way to enjoy
floatopia safely.
- Those sound like...
Rules!
[crowd gasps]
Bring me those traitors!
[overlapping shouting]
- What's the worst thing
they could do to us?
[flies buzzing]
Wadska, we started
this together!
- Don't push us through
the poop, dude!
- Oh, I'm sorry, fellas,
but you broke the only rule.
[screang]
There are no rules
on floatopia!
- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- Febreeze probably isn't
going to get this out?
- Floatopia is going down!
+
- Behold the tallest stripper
pole in the world!
[cheering]
- Look at that place.
That's not just
a couple of rafts.
That's an empire!
It would take an army
to take that thing down.
It's impossible.
- Maybe it's not.
- [laughs] you must be joking.
Take it down?
That place is a cash cow.
Who do you think
owns shartz beer?
- [gasps]
since when?
- Since the second
you started floatopia.
- So I work for...You?
- I tried to tell you,
no is just a delayed yes.
Kid'll never learn.
- [sighs]
I guess...That's it.
We lose.
- Perhaps I can be of service.
- What happened to you?
- Well, after I exported
you two from floatopia,
Turk declared himself
supreme leader of anarchy.
I pointed out
the irony in that.
Turns out turk hates irony.
[screams]
Just kidding.
That spot's surprisingly
hairless.
I say we sink that place
to the bottom of the ocean!
- All right.
Structurally, here is where
it's at its weakest.
That bar was never designed
to hold the weight
Of all that liquor.
- Uh, how are we
getting out there?
- As quickly as we can.
[siren blares]
Don't look at me like that.
She was a skilled warrior.
- Mondo, you know that's
a jockstrap, right?
- Yep, it's an extra large.
- I just wanted to thank you.
On floatopia,
I was really...Vulnerable.
So drunk.
So horny.
I mean,
I would have done anything.
And you didn't
take advantage of me.
You're a really
good guy, mondo.
- Just so you know, if the
situation were ever reversed,
Please, please feel free
to take advantage of me!
- Everyone, take your marks.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Mom?
Why didn't anyone tell me
that she was involved?
- Because you never would
have agreed to this.
- Phase one, now!
- Aged to what?
What is she going to do?
- Sound the alarm.
- [over speakers]
♪ this place about to blow ♪
- Dude, that's not the alarm,
that's the new kesha album.
What, are you trying
to k*ll us all?
[alarm blares]
[explosions]
- Phase two, now!
- Time to go to work, girls.
Hey, boys!
[men gasp]
- Mom!
Oh, my god!
Stop that!
- Fight it, woody!
Fight it!
- Oh, god.
- Practically there, mom.
All good.
Time to lower the shirt
and get me some therapy.
[g*nf*re]
- I can't hang on!
- I got you dude!
- Did you really think
that this entire place
Could be sunk with one little--
[rubber pops]
[explosions]
[steel drums]
No!
[boat horn]
[expl*si*n]
- Still got it.
- Aw, that was awesome,
you know,
Except for the part where
everyone saw my mom's tits.
I hated that part.
- Was this your doing?
- Sorry, dad.
I know it's probably going to
cost you a lot of money,
But it was the right
thing to do.
- Cost me money?
No, this is actually
going to make me money.
Who do you think
owns the company
That the town will have to hire
to clean this mess up?
You've saved
my public image as well!
Unfortunately, your
public image is a mess, so...
I'm going to have to
let you go.
- I'm fired?
[tires screech]
Sweet, three days of
spring break left to surf!
- Maybe some rules exist
for a reason.
- Yeah, I'm never drinking
on a beach again.
- Have you learned nothing?
[laughs maniacally]
- I got him, sarge.
[g*nsh*t]
01x02 - Floatopia
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Series follows the exploits of recent New Jersey transplant Mondo and his new best friend Woodie as they live their life in Playa Del Toro, a fictional Southern California beach town.
Series follows the exploits of recent New Jersey transplant Mondo and his new best friend Woodie as they live their life in Playa Del Toro, a fictional Southern California beach town.