01x12 - Cropsey Clanners

[bunniefuu]

hey alex check out my booty uh i'd

rather not i mean this

don't you remember furry feet i scored a

whole box at a flea market on long

island and that's a good thing they're

classics we'll get like 50 bucks for

them what did they cost you 1.75 not bad

yeah

the owner's been paying me to drive

around on weekends buying up crap i'm

sweeping through jersey on saturday you

want to tag along uh on my day off well

sometimes i see star wars junk

hey you ever seen the luke versus wampa

two pack well no not not that

particularly but wait how about the the

limited edition blue snaggletooth with

the silver gogo boots no i haven't seen

that but you know what i did see once

actually um i saw a princess leia figure

without the panties really no i just

made that up oh you suck

hey jen mecca and i are checking out

that new 80s club we need something

duran to randish sorry i'm out but i'll

have news talk soon after we get back

from our junk safari to new jersey ooh

safari don't forget your camera yeah i

hear newark is jumping this time of year

actually we're gonna hit some yard sales

for the store oh i love yard sales you

can get clothes so cheap mecca they have

other people sweating them chaka where

do you think this stuff comes from like

a time capsule no i buy it off people

who think it's worthless dry clean it

and mark it up a thousand percent okay

i'm in as long as we get back before

midnight hey wait who said you're

invited it's not a bad idea you two

could check out the duds while alex and

i scope out the poker playing dog

statues

look you shouldn't come if you're not

really into it up yours chickless wonder

what time are we leaving 6 a.m

no really

don't get any potato nuggets on the seat

this is my boss's car okay yeah whatever

can we stop for more coffee

i ran out of clubbing last day you can

get to sleep until like four what club

i'm not really sure the last one didn't

have a sign or anything just like an

arrow hey could we all just quiet down

here ew what's wrong with you

i played starcraft all night i would

have b*at it too if it wasn't for those

meddling aliens and we're all very proud

of you am i the only one awake here i'm

awake

i got up early even squeeze some fresh

juice okay miss thinks i'm all healthy

but i've seen her eat a whole box of

munchkins shut up you know you got a red

light on the dash that goes on all the

time just ignore it which light is it

let's see

oil

gas

temperature

hmm

hey antique Kn*fe and g*n swap ooh

very exciting will you get to the yard

sales section already oh check it out

wolf pups for sale

here's something i need a pontoon

launching ramp what

i don't even want to know what that is

hey jen are we there yet chill out are

we god

chaka's always a pain on trips ruined

every vacation our family took like the

time we went to the great crystal cavern

the sign said it had a magic organ an

underground ballroom and fish with hands

chaka was freaking out fish cats fish

they were salamanders

mom had chocolate strapped into one of

those kitty leashes because she was so

hard to control some of these are

stalagmites and some of these are

stalactites

i forget which are which stalagmites are

might because they push up slack tights

hang down because they hold on tight

you were such a mama's boy so anyway dad

wandered off to take some pictures mom

handed me the leash said she was going

to find him and she'd be back in a

minute then the guide starts asking me

stuff

hey kid how would that go again and

chaka managed to get out of the leash

somehow oh sure blame me you dropped it

did not

then all of a sudden everyone is yelling

because she's in the dream league and

she's going under i just wanted to shake

hands with the fish and the guide had to

dive in and pull her out and mom and dad

came back and were all hysterical and

blamed me it was your fault you were

supposed to be watching me oh yeah even

back then you were a big troublemaker

was not you were two no i wasn't you're

always a troublemaker what are you

talking about if you two kids don't stop

bickering i am gonna turn this car

around right now

sorry mom

you better watch your mouth young

lady

there's an insane asylum around here

where they put people from new york who

just don't fit in yeah

like you ever noticed the same weirdo on

the corner for six months and then he's

gone wow

oh whatever they're so lying to you

but you do know about jersey tap water

right what about it they say if you

drink it every day for more than a year

you start to grow hair so

look all over your body

well i heard about this thing called the

jersey devil there's this lady who had

like 15 babies and she said that if she

got knocked up one more time she wished

that the baby would be born a devil

and like it was and it grew wings and

flew out the chimney

totally it's horrible and smelly and it

flies through the air at night attacking

couples making out in cars mecca mecca

the jersey devil is just an urban myth

don't believe it but the cropsies now

they're real see they live in the

mountains nobody sees them and they're

all related if you know what i mean wow

bad for s.a.t scores how do you know if

someone's a cropsy they all have one

thing in common over their eyes a single

big eyebrow monobrow

and they have their own society with

their own rules about what's right and

what's wrong and they hate everyone and

everything that's not one of them oh

kind of like you jen

hey there's the exit

whoa

around here somewhere this doesn't look

like a great place for a yard sound yeah

doesn't there have to be a yard hey you

want to drive wait i think i see a

street sign black mole drive we need

black mole way

oh we're never gonna get there we are

totally lost i'll figure it out

maybe we should ask someone not lost

why can't you ever ask for directions oh

you're just like my dad i'm just saying

we're not lost jen we are don't sweat it

i know what i'm doing

uh jen that weird light's blinking

look civilization can we pull over

please i have to pee

look there's no one here anyway i can't

even ask for directions if i wanted to

let's leave this place is freaky we need

directions you want to get out and go in

there

need some help

i didn't want to mention it but that guy

back there had one eyebrow like some big

hairy caterpillar or something so it

doesn't make him a cropsy

necessarily didn't we pass that burnt

out school bus an hour ago we did jen

are we officially lost now we're lost

all right you happy

left or right

heads left

there's a sign

i think

i'm not sure but i think it says

something about abandon all hope you're

not helping

well maybe we should turn around and go

back then yeah jen i mean it's not like

you suck at yard sale finding or

anything yes she does you guys i really

have to pee everyone shut up

so do you think those uh cropsies live

around here yeah and this is the part

where they ambush dumbass kids like us

haven't you ever seen texas chainsaw

m*ssacre and then they hang them up on

hooks

and skin them

and wear their faces around alex that's

funny look guys just stop freaking each

other out all right we are safe inside

this fine example of solid american

craftsmanship

what is that doesn't sound good

at least that little lights out now

try it again

alex go check under the hood

i live in manhattan i don't know

anything about cars you're just afraid

to get out i am not then just do it

no there you go

oh if you're so brave jen you do it okay

someone's got to take charge and it

might as well be me i'll go look for

help the car is my responsibility and

alex no offense is completely useless

hey you're really going out there by

yourself

oh this is nuts

which way

oh now you're asking directions

well the sun is going down over that way

to the west so this must be north and

which way is civilization

i have no idea

well there they go whatever who needs

them

we'll be fine right it's not like we're

scared or anything

becca we've been through so much worse

in the city oh i know totally

like that time we were looking for that

club and we walked right into the back

entrance of that cr*ck house by mistake

scared straight sister those people were

so skanky

oh what about the night of the beast

with too bad oh my god it was all foggy

like tonight we're just sitting on a

rock minding our own business in the

park like talking and watching those

weird black squirrels making fun of

those stupid joggers it got dark so fast

all of a sudden there was like nobody

around and you genius girl said we

should cut through to the west side well

it made sense at the time and of course

we get lost in the ramble oh my god and

then we saw those two guys doing it and

we started screaming and running around

and all those other guys came up from

behind trees and bushes and they started

yelling at us like get them out of there

they

running and running through the park and

then we ran right into tavern on the

green little screaming and you actually

grabbed food off of one of the tables i

couldn't even believe that you did that

and you just kept going like through the

kitchen and out the back

that was too good

you know i can deal with crackheads and

muggers and lunatics on the subway

but this is kind of freaky don't worry

chuckle we'll make it

okay let's just change the subject sure

that's a good idea

think we're gonna live through tonight

mecca

this whole nature thing sucks a fat one

agreed

what the hell is that for just in case

great if we're att*cked by a psychopath

you can whittle him to death no can you

quit busting my balls for one single

second oh hey watch it with that Kn*fe

conan

oh come on hey wait up hey slow down

nature boy they'll screw you jen i'm

sick of your smarmy comments i may not

be the toughest guy out there or the

smartest but at least i can admit it all

you ever do is complain and tear down

your friends and pick on people but i'm

just kidding yeah you're always kidding

hey alex you know you get the most abuse

because you're my best friend

sorry about that

you're apologizing

yeah

okay

anyway

let's find some help

you really think i'm smarmy

yeah

i always thought of myself as more of

the snide type

still locked

same here

it's been a long time chocolate tell me

about it my bladder's gonna bust

what's that

pepper spray well i need something too

go check the glove compartment fine

what'd you find

like a mini flashlight and some gum

i guess it's better than nothing

okay you gotta cover me while i go pee i

don't know if that's such a good idea

chucka we should stay in the car i'm

sure alex will be back soon i don't know

if i can hold it that long sure you can

it's all about willpower okay

just don't think about like dripping

faucets in niagara falls and stuff oh

yeah mecca that helps

i can't take this anymore i don't care

if some crazy hickey mutants get me i

have to whiz

what was that the jersey devil did you

see the horns it smelled like ass this

is why people live in the city yeah that

in toilets

i'm

don't look at it

is that poison ivy i don't know you

don't know didn't you oh no it's this

place again we were definitely driving

in circles

we

are you do

time to die

what do you want well uh uh yeah we we

just got a little lost we went off-road

so uh you know the two of us started

looking for uh you know you know help

but um two girls are still back at the

car and uh you left them alone in the

woods um haven't you ever heard of the

cropsies um

yeah

actually we thought maybe you were one

are you kidding you thought i was one of

them crabsies are a bunch of freaks they

talk funny they got extra toes oh we're

really sorry yeah you're obviously quite

sophisticated you don't even wanna know

about their appetites

we gotta find your friends come on get

my truck quick come on

well

he's no worse than half my customers

where are the seats

you city people think that anybody would

only live in a park avenue condominium

some sort of

inbreed idiot

yeah you're all a bunch of know-it-all

over-educated atheist pervert donald

Tr*mp wannabes i know i am

all right i went back narrowly dropped

hey i think the car's over there

can't be we made a lift at the tree i

don't know we made it right we made it

left oh we made it right yeah we figured

out bad you know what will happen if one

of them grabs finds your girls i don't

want to know they just see a female it

means they're dead

i don't suppose you mean dinner in a

show they get themselves all riled up i

get the idea the urges take over thank

you you can stop describing there's

throbbing and pounding you know you've

got a red light

it always does that

okay let's just try to relax

okay i'm not scared i'm not scared we

can always pretend we're dead

unless they don't mind dead girls

unless for them that's sort of a plus

i mean maybe that's like stop it stop

talking just shut up

calm down it's okay not okay

way not okay

look i'm sure alex and jen are on their

way and there's nothing to worry about

what did you do

me too make a left are you sure

okay so maybe it was all right

you're talking about it oh there it is

where are they they got them

those damn crops no

probably use them for breeding

dinner time kids come and get it

so what do you want to do tonight we

could check out that old event in

mineshaft oh everybody goes there

i hear mary's throwing a picture party

invitation only oh what should i wear

how about your overalls with the red

patches

wait no

i know you're overalls with the yellow

patch hey ephraim donate your sister i

mean cousin i mean

whatever

ah that's silas

he sure is a cat i know i'm the luckiest

girl in the world

alex look

what is it a ransom note

couldn't be

cropsies can't right

footprints

there's been a struggle

where do they lead

follow me

don't worry girls we're coming

so wait

what's your side

it's sad me and sagittarius is supposed

to be really compatible compatible

huh wait so what did you say your middle

name was again it's hot rob oh

we thought you were the boogeyman well i

am dangerous

at

night oh i'm sure you are yeah

i'm really glad your car broke down oh

me too

great bathroom by the way

so

you want to check out the shower massage

jeremy it's the cropsies no it's just my

brother

that ought to do it i think parts 85

labor 50 rain charge 25 alcohol 15 plus

six and quarter sales tax total 185.94

all of a sudden he's rain man

all right thank you very much

well that's all my money i guess we

might as well go home my boss is gonna

k*ll me when i show up empty-handed some

ten-year-old probably bought my first

edition chewbacca with the overbite

hey wait a minute we really appreciate

this guys my mom's gonna wonder what

happened to her furniture blame it on

the cropsies that's what everyone else

does around here

all right i'll see you next weekend in

the city catch you later buggy boy

did we save the day or what i gotta

admit that's the best looking plant i've

found so far slam half lamp half plant

come on floor it it's getting late

um

what's the best way to the parkway oh

don't you know damn it jen did you ask

for directions oh great we're never

gonna get to that party go back and ask

for drinks i can't it's one way uh your

front lights just went out oh what an

idiot idiot oh you guys now are sick

screw

yourself up