01x11 - Before and After

[bunniefuu]

i hate these magazines

okay becca

there's a huge party this weekend and

you're not invited what do you try to

sneak in

convince your friends not to go wait a

minute you're invited and i'm not

mecca it's just a stupid quiz in this

magazine oh what's it called the how

individual are you quiz so how

individual are you 8.2

nice

well it's really made me realize how

important it is to be your own person i

mean what else can you say is completely

yours besides your identity and your

paper number

chocolate so funny

it's not that funny where did you hear

that

i just made it up no way what's up

ladies nothing just chillin hey fruity

what kind of girls do you like best

followers or individuals as long as she

follows me to my bedroom and gives me

individual attention then i got no

problem with what she does on her own

time oh fruity

what do you think matt i like girls who

aren't afraid to be themselves

after all what else can you say is

completely yours besides your identity

and your beeper number

that's a good one you i like that yeah

yeah whatever i'll i'll catch you guys

later

take care peace okay bye

mecca that was pretty funny i know tell

chaka she totally made that up like five

minutes ago oh how to choose a bra all

right

i know i left that carpenter cd here but

this place is so chock full of crap it's

possible to find anything

jen may i remind you of something what

a this is my apartment and b i find it

odd that a person who makes a living

selling useless junk would chastise

someone for having too much stuff fine

but if you ever manage to bring a girl

back here she'll get one look at this

mess and run away screaming you've got

newspapers from the 70s clothes from the

80s some weird-looking bong it's not a

bong it's a sculpture i made in the

third grade it was supposed to be a

gemini rocket but someone opened the

kiln very touching alex but it's gotta

go it's all gotta go but i need this

stuff no you just think you need it

because you've never lived without it

but you know what you know what alex

it's time to grow up go zen feng shui

purge yourself of the past so you can be

cleansed for the future

oh i'm sorry i must have misplaced my

english to freak dictionary could you

translate that

you're a messy immature little boy oh

i kind of liked it better the first way

you said it

so we're dissecting these baby pigs and

mr berman says that if you unquail the

guts they stretch for like five miles or

something good so joe oliver reaches

into his pig grabs some guts and starts

running around

and some of it like gets in my hair and

what did you just do what do you mean

what you just did with your hands i

don't know

this

uh yeah that's what you did so

so

that's what i do with my hands that's my

hand motion can we just get back to the

story i want to hear about the pig guts

chaka it's not that big of a deal of

course it's not that big of a deal to

you it's not your hand motion or

anything that move has got me deep it's

got me into clubs it even got me the

part of coco in our junior high school

production of fame so please in the

future do not imitate my gestures and

then tell me it's not that big of a deal

okay

what's her problem yeah yo she's bugging

sometimes she can be so

i'm sorry mecca but i do believe that

that is my hand motion oh yeah well this

is mine

oh my god what

president reagan's been sh*t

you know

jen mockery won't make this any easier

yes it will

to you these things may seem worthless

but they're actually all reminders of

major moments in my life first prize in

the tri-state spelling bee the first

episode of alf alex do you even want to

try and live like a normal adult or

would you rather continue on as a

girlfriend-less self-loathing pathetic

man-child uh

the one where i get the hot chicks then

let's clean house and we can start with

that pillow huh this pillow doesn't have

to go it's cookie monster you know c is

for cookie yeah c is for cookie c is

also for chicks will think you're a

loser if they see that thing on your bed

but it's my whoopee your what my wubby

you know from mr mom when the kid alex

it's just a whoopee please don't ever

say that word in my presence again what

word will be enough put it in the bag

but

my nana gave it to me

i'm not sure which word weirds me out

more whoopi or nana

it was my fourth birthday and my net my

grandmother was on her deathbed i

thought you told me your grandmom d*ed

at a lionel richie concert no it was it

wasn't lionel richie it was the

commodores and she didn't die there she

just had a heart att*ck during three

times a lady

and after in the hospital

i go into her room

and she's lying there on the bed

she handed me this pillow and in a horse

whisperer she said to me

sleep with this pillow every night alex

so that no matter where you are you'll

always have nana with you

then she d*ed

i'm sorry it's okay

i'm sorry you suck at making up stories

fine

you have to admit i had you going though

all right i admit it now lose the pillow

little man

what are you doing here fruity bailed so

mad asked if i wanted to come oh yeah

i'm sure it had nothing to do with the

fact that i'd be here no actually i just

wanted to see the bastards yeah right

you don't even like them i do too name

one song eyesore

figures you'd pick one from a new album

hey you guys should buy a t-shirt now

there's all the good ones they can be

gone later

that's good enough for me

c is for cookie

that's good enough for me

hang on little guy daddy's coming

hey get back here that's my wubby

okay so i figured that if you were gonna

insist on copying everything i do i'd do

something you'd never do okay first of

all i've never copied you and second of

all what can you possibly do that i

would never do okay third of all you

have so been copying me and fourth of

all

this

oh

my god

you shaved yup down there

no mecca that's a picture of my ear did

it hurt no

but it's really starting to itch

before and after sh*ts aren't you afraid

someone's gonna see these relax it's not

like you can see my face on them and

even if someone does see them they won't

know it's me okay

and don't you even think about copying

me on this one what is your problem

choco why would i want to copy you

because you always do anytime i do

something you have to do it too you're

getting all like single white female on

my ass what makes you think i follow

your lead maybe you just can't handle

the fact that i'm an individual and

you're not oh yeah right that's it face

it chaka you always gotta do what the

cool people are doing oh yeah they're

cool people it's better than getting all

my fashion ideas from sears oh yeah and

i suppose undoing puberty makes you the

individuality queen or something well at

least i have some guts gee i wish i

looked like a plucked chicken down there

oh i did not yes you do look give me

those here you can have them they're

mine stupid ugly pictures good hey oh no

you two again don't you have a clash you

should be sleeping in i'm sorry mr

cooper we were having a disagreement oh

isn't that sweet i'll tell you what why

don't the two of you finish working

things out at detention later today

i don't know what to do jen that pillow

is all i can think about it's okay alex

you're just going through separation

anxiety i'm worried about him jen and

i'm a little worried about you

personifying inanimate objects

who knows where my whoopi is

alex you're right

he could be in grave danger

maybe he's being cuddled by some

neo-n*zi skinhead resting up before a

big hate rally or some wasted frat guy

with puke dripping out of his mouth or

worse what if there's a guy out there

who looks like you and talks like you

and he's found your whoopi and your

robbie thinks he's you but he's not you

he's the evil you and he wants to k*ll

your wubby and he's feeding him poison

cookies but the whoopi won't know the

difference because it's an odorless

colorless poison okay now you're being

ridiculous just promise me you won't

share these feelings with anybody else

okay

i'm not sure other people will be as

tolerant of your neuroses as i am i

promise

oh by the way my whoopie doesn't like

cookies he only eats popcorn and

snickers

i'm just kidding calm down geez

good afternoon and welcome to detention

would you like smoking or non-smoking

which one's furthest away from you

so what are you in for disrupting

classes

you uh i had me a little altercation

with this fella about my taste in his

women

well well well if it isn't little miss

copycat yep that's me chaka and i really

want to copy you right now but i'm

pretty sure the immature loser quota in

this room has already been filled hey

now i didn't steal your secret move or

whatever fruity would you please tell me

how annoying it is when she copies

people you mean like how she wore that

busted ass green sweater the day after

you wore it to kelly cooper's party

fruity you wore that twitter before you

gave it to me that was a birthday

present but mecca you said it was

what was the word hideous

you told me you loved it and then you

told me that you should have kept it

because mecca was too fat to weary

no i

rudy you are not helping here

excuse me how many of these photos can

you fit on a page

i'd say four or else you won't be able

to make out the writing on these protest

signs does that say onion no

it's union

uh

um did you

i mean

where did you find that what are you

doing

oh uh i was i was just you see that that

t-shirt looks familiar and oh god men

are such animals what a lame excuse i

saw you staring at my breasts no that's

i swear that's not what i was where did

you get the t-shirt i gotta know did you

see a cookie monster pillow expect a

boycott pig

by the way i didn't want to tell you

this this morning but you missed a spot

what are you talking about i mean

there's still hair down there there is

not fine don't believe me

i don't have to not believe you i can

check right now

oh my god oh my god oh my god mecca

they're not here they're not here

oh what if someone saw me drop them

they'll know it's me

ugh what if they post them on the

internet and every night thousands of

little cyber geeks can log on to horny

loser.com and stare at me while they

oh

what if

what if some hip young artist finds them

and decides to use him in his new

exhibits and then the whole city starts

raving about how daring his art is and

the artist guy tracks me down are we

going over together

well

okay so that one wouldn't be so bad

but the other stuff mecca i know you

hate me right now but you gotta help me

get those pictures back but if we both

look for the pictures then you'll just

accuse me of copying oh no thanks i

won't i won't i swear i promise

look look

i'm really sorry about today but i'm

totally desperate here

fine but i'm still mad at you okay fine

fair enough are we still buds though of

course

great now let's go get those pictures

back

i know it was my t-shirt i recognized

the blueberry pop-tart stain so what's

the big deal you're better off without

all that stuff i don't know i feel

exposed like everyone on the street

knows my innermost secrets

alex your innermost secrets aren't even

worth knowing hey copy man hey jen hey

goat check out this vintage bong i just

scored that's not a bong that's my

rocket where'd you get that uh hey chill

out man it's the last one yeah yeah but

where did you get it they don't have any

way man some old dude has a whole load

of crap lying out at a blanket over

there great jen goat i'm out of here

say you didn't happen to see a little

blue monster did you well not yet but uh

check back with me later

great

that's an heirloom the french minister

of the exterior awarded it to my

grandfather back in world w*r ii what

are you talking about this is my blue

ribbon for spelling ten dollars ten

dollars i threw this out two days ago

5-0 coming this way get off my stuff

come on go go go let's go wait wait

what else can we do we've searched the

entire school let me see your book one

more time

fine but chaka this isn't even your book

what it's fruities

oh thank god i thought it was going

crazy

wait a minute if i have rudy's book

then that means

oh my god oh my god oh my god i think

i'm gonna throw up puke on the way cause

we gotta go find fruity

where do you think fruity is i don't

know

maybe is it starbase 12 with matt

hey alex

have you seen rudy around

uh no but did a bunch of hairy guys with

blankets come this way uh no

what are you looking for something uh no

are you yeah chocolate

well we gotta go

not that we're looking for anything or

anything

yeah me too i mean you know me neither i

well bye

there he is

oh damn come on

where did you get this hey you owe me 10

bucks okay okay i'll give you 10 bucks

if you tell me where this came from i uh

traded with louie four blankets down i

gave him a deck of girly cards

you know this is all my stuff are you

saying i'm a thief no no of course not

how much for everything

a boss hog cookie jar

man i've been looking for one of these

for years

right um

i'll distract him and you go look at his

backpack

hey fruity

what's up chicky baby what you up to i'm

just chilling what are you up to you

know showing some moves to my boys over

here hey calm down ladies i'll be back

in a second baby yeah i'm sure you got

lots to show you boys hey you ain't

kidding cause you got the goods right

that's right i got the skills to pay the

bills

yo shut up

hey what about later

i gotta go

ah simmer down ladies did you get it

chaka the closest thing to a book in

that backpack was a copy of playstation

magazine crap do you think he's seen the

pictures i don't know i was egging him

on to see if he'd say anything but he

didn't he's such a sneaky bastard he'd

probably hold on to something like that

until the time was perfect to wreck my

life maybe he just left him in his

locker he never studies i hope so i

guess i'll just have to snag the book

before class tomorrow tomorrow what do

we do till then

i'm gonna go buy some moisturizer all

this running around's got me chafing in

places i've never chafed before

well it's nice to see that the national

crap museum has been fully restored to

its prior splendor

when i see some new exhibits have been

added to the permanent collection i

guess i got a little carried away did

you ever think that all this junk is

merely a crutch to fill the empty void

that has become your life hmm i could

say the same thing about your dry wit

and sarcastic remarks ouch all right

meow i'll back off

so any luck in finding your whoopee

nope and i checked out every vendor in

the east village

i'm sorry kiddo maybe it's for the best

yeah

i know i should move on but

i can't i feel like i've lost a piece of

myself i know completely how you feel

you do

yeah

it's exactly how i felt when the a-team

went off the air

if you're gonna make jokes i'm gonna

have to ask you to leave okay okay but

alex you know the story you know i only

rip on you because my low self-esteem

makes me incapable of expressing any

sort of sincere emotion right

get out jen you lost your whoopi i lost

mr t and hannibal

oh

whoa chaka you look like hell

oh thank you did you get the book back

no foodie hasn't shown up yet all right

let's continue with the ore reports

ah and here's our first volunteer of the

day

no problem by the way may i say thank

you sir

what's up lucy

my report is about the economic effects

of slash and burn agriculture on south

american

rainforest slash and burn agriculture

occurs when farmers chop away at thick

bushy

overgrown patches of foliage he knows he

definitely knows maybe he doesn't it's

just a report

i have some pictures here which will

show you just how devastating this

process is

hi um does alex henson live here yeah

i'm alex

oh

is something the matter

no no it's just that well

i found this on the street and it had

your name on it well i called the number

and your mom told me you lived here now

well i just assumed that you know it

belonged to someone a little younger

yeah younger well it's been in my closet

for years and i was cleaning the place

out you know i collect this kind of

stuff myself i've got a grover coffee

mug a snuffalopic lamp

i must sound like such a dork no i think

that's great you know when i was a kid

that would that that pillow was my most

prized possession oh that is so cute

really totally

well i'm glad i found you hey you know

what you keep it for your collection no

yeah go ahead really yeah sure

okay but only if you let me take you up

for dinner sometime

uh

i know i don't have to but i want to i

mean come on how often do i get to meet

a totally cute guy who isn't afraid to

admit he has a woman but hey i never

said i never said hey alex just get a

pen and take down my number right

nice place by the way

thanks

i decorated it myself

good report fruity those pictures of

peru

really cool uh

okay yeah so what made you choose that

for a report topic i don't know it

seemed interesting plus my cousin did

the same report two years ago

your parents must be so proud

slick move you think he saw him for a

while there i'm sure he did he hasn't

said a word about it and not even fruity

can hold on to such a juicy piece of

information for this long i'm thinking

it's all good

so you're going to rip them up now hell

yeah

by the way if you want to shave too i

won't think you're copying me

whatever no offense chaka

but that is one look i definitely do not

want to sport hey wait up

don't worry baldy your secret's safe

with me

but that five o'clock sh*t was a

aiming

uh