01x09 - Testing

[bunniefuu]

have a taste of my hot plasma and dye

alien scum

fear not i shall read the universe of

this vile force and obtain your habit

and pod as my cross scandaly clad vixen

i promise you that i shall triumph in

the end

hey beautiful how about you and the dog

switching places

man my ass hurts damn dog your mistake

was that you didn't have a pup of your

own get a cute foofy one and all the

babes will flock to you hey alex you

want to meet chicks maybe you should

listen to fruity and get a little

puffball hey even i'm not that desperate

heads up incoming mormon i hear they got

it made you know what the wives and all

hey there folks what's shakin

uh

nothing just hanging out

well you know that's cool man that's

cool man

who is this guy

dark nice clipboard why thank you i'm

stefan and i'm a phd candidate at the

university here

i'm dr hikesters t.a

and i was just wondering if you guys

want to take a test as a general rule no

yeah but this one's for science for

mankind's benefit

and it pays a hundred bucks

i'm down me too i'm sorry we only need

healthy males between the ages of 18 and

24.

look no further

what about you bro

uh

i don't know what kind of test is it

it's for the psych department but i'm

afraid i can't divulge any details why

don't you just do it alex pays like 10

times which make it that dead-end copy

job dead-end desktop publishing job

chaka

i could use it then there's the

screaming j record

fine all right that's cool man

let me just get your names here it'll be

fun

what the hell is that i don't know

that's kind of freaky it's like liquid

snot i don't know this guy he was kind

of weird but he offered us 100 bucks to

take a test and so did this friendly

stranger also offer you candy and a ride

in his big shiny car was there any

mention of nambla you know jen there was

something strange about him but he kept

saying that's cool man like it meant

something it's probably the secret code

for i've got three more suckers to sign

up for my dangerous experiment you know

the one they wire up say something about

testing your brain waves then zap your

teeth crispy then they'll toss you into

the sensory overload chamber centrifuge

your ass and then

it's time for some experimental surgery

or maybe they'll just knock you out and

steal your liver i'm safe they won't be

wanting mine i know what they're after

and it makes sense that they're only

looking for young studs yeah man they're

after my man flutes they're gonna

synthesize them and make a pill to

restore sex power to old guys you know

what i'm saying and we'll all get the

nobel prize for inventing frutagra the

most potent mickey drug around

you be like a 2x4 2x4 huh are those your

measurements

then to think all this time i've

been throwing my man fluids around for

free oh no thank you

a troll pencil are you gonna start

carrying a hello kitty backpack too i'm

not about to leave anything for the

brain police no fingerprints no dna now

that's thinking that's stealing i'm just

breaking it in for jeff you know the

girl could be right this entire setup is

real suspicious

i told you these cameras are kind of

creepy definitely this could turn out to

be some kind of mind control experiment

yeah

maybe it's a plot and who's behind

probably some combination of fbi the mob

freemasons

and bald little pig pigmen oh yeah

they're the front line they break down

your will remember your personality

oh you think you can hold out the tiny

bastards know where you live

they isolate you and discombobulate you

then they really go to work

goat man if you're so freaked out why

not leave man do you have any idea how

much p*rn 100 bucks can buy actually

yes

we're growing the thought police a

little big these days at least ain't no

pig woman huh you guys here for the test

if there's no electrodes involved yeah

electrodes ah

that explains the screaming

i'm joking

just sit down dr heikster will be right

with you

did you see that she looked at me funny

aren't you used to that reaction by now

newsweek i need the sports illustrated

swimsuit issue if they expect me to do

my business

i assy

even better you really think they'll ask

us to take off our pants i wish but i'm

wearing 2d underwear what are you so

worried about i mean besides the

underwear thing and the possibility of

permanent brain damage

you will observe this beautiful specimen

of the condition i've described i've

never seen one so perfect and complete a

note the characteristic slump per the

clenched buttocks the shrinking testes

and these are the signs of an individual

who is afraid of life itself

happily since this specimen is too

nervous to speak to a female its chances

of breeding are slender to nil now if

you will i shall splay the subject and

reveal the absolute absence of any guts

whatsoever

wait a minute i used to take tests

because i had to

i don't have to do this

i'm getting out of here

too late make bold with the man fluids

partners

ah you're here at last come on in

let's see

charles wagon my friends call me chuck

okay chuck

and you are goat fruity

now boys you'll have to use your real

names

next step one world government

no questions

okay when you're done just hand your

booklet over to me and you may leave

quietly

are we all set yeah yeah yeah let's do

it then everyone pick up your pencils

no dna yeah yeah that's cool man

that's cool man open your test booklets

and begin

now

i still have both my kidneys i think

this is starting to be a good day

man i was all ready for some kelly

lebrock weird science section but i

didn't get to fill any bottles with my

this and that you know what it was a

trick to get us all on file but i

outsmarted them i got everything wrong

on purpose excuse me test number 37b

white male

me

yes you mr wagon

can i see you for a moment

oh i told you there was more to this

thing they check in but they don't check

out if he goes disappearing i get first

dibs on his sailor moon videos by all

means

can't we just go to the bank these

places are much safer anonymous no way

those bastards gonna force me to leave a

paper trail that's why i don't have a

credit card and i stay the hell away

from blockbuster maybe our boy's on to

something like how they wouldn't give us

a check until we fest up our real names

what are your real names no way honcho

you know i got this book that teaches

you how to become invisible i think

you're taking this a little too so now

where do you think those pictures go

into the central computer that's where

and look at the number at the bottom of

this check

god's sakes it's got 12 digits they got

everything they need to do what to

control you man those bastards are quick

that's more than i can say for you

move it

i'll need to see some id negatory you

enemy puppet of the state

maybe the bartender sullivan's will

catch it for me see ya

i'd make sure those bills aren't marked

so alex what happened when the test lady

called you back she wanted more

information information is power alex oh

nothing she just wanted to say some

stuff about the test

um sort of

about the test

about um

messing up i i filled in some of the

diatron man i have been worried about

messing up on a test since i was eight

i took this spelling test i remember i i

really study for it too but the teacher

hit me with this word i never heard

before

ballast i don't even know what it means

to this date

ballast

b

a

l

b

a

l

b

a

l l

s

the teacher thought she'd give me

another chance

try again

household

household

let me think b a l l s

household

the point is if you don't try you can't

fail you are so full of balance

bite me

b-i-t-m-e

i thought it would be harder than that

and the questions were pretty dopey

about prime numbers great expectations

stuff like that

anyway it was supposed to test how much

of our education we'd forgotten

i did pretty well on it you forgot

everything no mecca i mean i got all the

answers right that's why the doctor

wanted to know why i wasn't doing

anything with my life good question mr

national merit scholar

yeah teachers are always like but chaka

your brother was so smart what's wrong

with you you did get into that school

for engineering geeks of stay where

they're like five girls in the whole

base in the winter last like six months

i i only went there because of the

scholarship mom and dad said try it out

for a while i made it through what like

two years

god i wouldn't be in a b*llet in two

months

then when professor kivowitz asked me

what i wanted to focus on i find my own

research into the coal slurry fuels an

endless delight so what do you plan to

specialize in fluid dynamics

solid gel processing which area of

engineering greases your gears

um

none of them

what

i mean i don't really like engineering

it's kind of dull dull

well

and

step aside there's someone out there who

deserves this scholarship more than you

do

someone with a sincere

passion for polymers and love

then you move back home we got that

crappy job temporary crappy job wasn't

that like four years ago

of course the uh mk ultra g*ng was

definitely wise to the mj12 deal so

remember encryption is the future yeah

whatever so how should i spend my why

video game fly sneakers nah something to

get the chicks don't look back just come

on let go of my arm you're acting on the

locker we're being followed don't turn

around

oh yeah i see him bunch of government

ninjas just waiting to kick your

paranoid ass you gotta get a grip you're

gripping a beer man this thing's

freaking me out you do that i got some

disposable income to be disposed of

answering one of those anything goes

personals nah i'm thinking of applying

for a job at big copy the uh big one

over on astor place they need an

assistant manager ooh maybe they'll make

you supervisor of stapling can't you be

encouraging for once i don't think this

is such a good idea new responsibilities

might interfere with the development of

your superpowers very funny oh wait i

know you can use your superpowers to

bring the duplication business into the

new millennium

should i go with the manila or the wheat

stone tablet they're both nice

but the wheat stone says a hundred

percent

class

excuse me my replicant cat's name is

missing how's anyone gonna know this is

my pet if rent tarp isn't on it i just

recombinated what you gave me sir

this is useless

now you must die

go for it alex the future of 21st

century copying depends on you

i have a sh*t of bourbon

rocks

yeah that's cool man

hey you were

you're the guard what's your twisted

story but when you say that's cool man

am i supposed to turn into a zombie

the mirror who's behind it i'm on to you

i'm on to you all

jen i have to do something now or i'll

be a sniveling underling forever

i'm gonna get you that job the big copy

alex i am so behind you but here's the

thing if you're gonna conquer the world

of collating

i think you gotta have one of these

should i go with the manila or the wheat

stone paper

they're both nice

but the wheat stone says 100

class

excuse me my cat's name is missing how's

anyone gonna know this is my pet the

name nevis isn't on it i just printed

what you gave me sir these are useless

now give me a refund okay okay

look who's all dressed up got a hot date

no it's just a tie you know

maybe everyone should wear one

make the place look more efficient

get some gals and ties and short skirts

and we got a real hello little

schoolgirl look going on you know where

i'm coming from

yeah but i wish i didn't

hey alex check out my fat shades man

only a hundred dollars i'm gonna pull a

fine chickie with my new air of mystery

yeah i love those man i have a pair just

like him you do

man they're looking fugly all of a

sudden where'd i put the damn receipt

anyway how's goat doing i don't know

last time i saw him he was running from

the black helicopters i mean i thought

he stopped tripping on hallucinogenic

dr*gs in the 80s i don't want to be

around when he decides to drill a hole

in his skull to let the demons out

damn cameras everywhere

hey here's something for your digital

imagers in washington where you're gonna

need one hell of a big lens

the travel agent said new york was safe

these days

and i'm very pleased to meet you

to meet you sir

uh hey alex you gone retro lounge or

something no i got a job interview oh i

thought maybe you were jumping on a cool

trend like five years too late which

would be quicker than usual for you it's

the assistant manager job that big copy

ooh sounds exciting catch me when i

faint

uh you're the one who said i had a dead

end job or you do er

but alex you're supposed to act young

and crazy and grow your oats or whatever

before you go all responsible shut up i

see i see

i've got a date with your sister

hey how cute and maybe that explained

why i never set her up with me not that

i would have checked missy

god your boss is such a tool all bosses

are like that

but you wouldn't know you've never had a

boss

you've never had a job so yeah and

people think you're the smart one

you know if you smoke less and jog more

this wouldn't happen to you if it didn't

jump at all

this wouldn't happen

marie the rest of you

you think you can change goat make go

fit the mold

well i won't roll over i won't play your

little dog i'm gonna fight you and your

tiny bull seed oh yeah

you gotta make the world nice for for

rollerblading and lacrosse huh gotta

k*ll off old goat because goat don't fit

in with with your big fake hair and you

mean your nasty ass big teeth and your

friggin little nasty snappy lips huh huh

everyone's gonna join the club no bad

habits allowed your corecast world well

i'll never surrender because if you have

your way the whole world

will turn into one great big

toronto

alex is it uh yes nice tie buddy thanks

um

nice shoes oh yeah well these are my ass

kicking shoes for a kick-ass company you

don't mind the word ass do you not at

all i've even been known to say it

myself every now and then well as long

as you don't plan to sit on it we just

might be in business come on up to my

office

scott huh

how do you know my real name

this is it isn't it the big man coming

you haven't changed a bit

what the hell are you talking about do

you remember me bernice from high school

um

i thought i recognized you at the lab so

i followed you around when you got all

paranoid i knew it was you you've been

going on about the brain police since

ninth grade you look different yeah well

i tried to fit in back then dweeb

dragged i even wore nail polish but i

realized this is the real me a great big

tattooed freak all right the pigment

didn't get you either

huh

yeah sure i guess not

i see you went to a fine college

and the hands-on experience is pretty

impressive as well

what we're looking for at big compy is

someone who's got the human touch knows

what it takes to keep this corporate

family happy and i've got a second sense

about you

you'll get to know your employees

dreams

what makes them tick listen to their

problems like a kind father or best

friend it's the quickest way to find out

who's got their hand in the tail or

who's gonna put it there

and if they know you're wanting they

respect you

of course there are always a few

troublemakers

the hidden cameras are there to help you

catch the sly ones

and then there's our random year

analysis policy

you're the type who understands it's a

productivity issue not a privacy issue

you want your privacy stay home that's

what i say i also say

welcome aboard

when can you start

whoa

someone is not exactly wearing the sweet

smell of success

well i'm glad i only look you the tie

you're sweating like a pig yeah well i

have to get back to repro man and i'm

late hey cheer up 20 30 years from now

you know when i finally get the guts to

crawl out of here and go for an

interview you know i'm sure i'll blow it

too so oh no i got the job but i turned

it down it's one thing to work for a

jerk but those guys wanted me to be the

jerk that everyone works for i mean look

isn't knowing who you don't want to be

sort of the same as finding out who you

are

kinda um i'll say yes and that way we

can both pretend we've got some kind of

a life lesson thing going here how's

that works for me

okay oh thanks

if i had taken that job i would have had

to hang myself with it

oh and if you see goat tell him he was

right about the cameras will do pigmen

everywhere

i have no idea what the hell you're

talking about

which color says classically trained

actress to you

well they're both lovely colors

yo check me out alex i'm gonna get all

the fine chicks now

hmm