01x05 - The Con

[bunniefuu]

it's a trap indeed elf ye b*rned its

nest earlier today and it is made to be

missed okay that's up who did it

ah

damn

that's what you get for screwing us alex

you let us right into the dragon's lair

oh okay you don't like it go back to

your mom's basement then whoa hey alex

when did you get the white trash figures

looks like you got the whole set nah

he's still missing the beast of akron

figure i've never even seen one in real

life only on the back of the box yeah

that's as rare as the m*nled steve

figure in the zombie collection they

only made a few of those because kids

were choking on his breakaway guts hello

guys the dragon it's gaining

ye see a tunnel it's dripping with

glowing fungus alex it's your turn okay

so i'll use my hands of effluvium spell

on that mother

hey kids hi what's going on it's rudy ah

chaka i thought i warned you about

thursday nights oh

it's dork night i totally forgot cool

dragons did you draw these

no get your g*n you've exposed a secret

map damn man there's no way out of this

tunnel it's a dead end you set us up

bastard forget it forget it everyone i

can't play anymore the campaign is

ruined two months down the toilet what

why can't you just make another secret

map and play the same pointless game

tomorrow night such losers listen if

you're trying to say that i can't map

out another entire adventure that fast

you're wrong because i could create one

by tomorrow no problem

oh wait ship tomorrow we shall be

girding our loins for the black mass

horror con wall to all video games

comics and toys oh yeah alex don't tell

me you're gonna spend your whole weekend

at that geek vest again it's not a geek

fest okay it's about kinship valor and

the appreciation of the horror sci-fi

fantasy culture plus there's a whole

wing on the seventh floor where all the

hot gas chicks get all sixed up and have

drug-induced orgies

and you've seen this

no

they don't let us up there

um

actually guys

i've been meaning to tell you

i don't think i'm going to the con what

what's wrong with you don't tell me you

have a date what did you finally ask

serena out no

oh so you're just gonna watch her from a

safe distance like usual wait

i think i know what's going on here is

this the weekend of the battlestar

galactica marathon no that's next week

it's not about serena okay

something happened to me the other day

i was out looking for the beast right

and there in the action figure i was

this 40 year old freak guy

you got no guys you got all of the ships

but you ain't got none of the guys that

drive them who's gonna drive the stamps

man that's awful if you're gonna stock

the ships you should have to have the

guys no don't you understand it was a

warning if i don't stop living the life

of toy buying comic book or even video

game playing freak that'll be me someday

fat bald smelly and out of my mind

screaming at some teenage stock boy you

got none other guys don't worry alex

there'll be plenty of guys left at the

con

you could even get the beast there

probably look i've got to give up this

whole hoarding thing i want a normal

life in the real world with you know

relationships and girls and stuff alex

as your dungeon master there's something

i should tell you there are two kinds of

people in this world those who think the

real world is nice like a postcard from

arizona

and those who know it's a deep dark

sucking void that no one should ever

make a postcard out of i thought the two

kinds of people were the guys who take

their figures out of the box and the

guys who don't no no no

it's the ones who have couriers and the

ones like us who have day jobs sorry

you're all wrong it's those that have

had sex and those that never will

oh

i swear to god serena next time i get

antichrist in the wrestling pit i will

have my revenge

francis go home we'll find someone to

cover for you at the convention no

i refuse to let my wrestling career get

in the way of my job besides i might be

able to complete my micro knots

collection i can't believe you want to

work at this thing i'm dreading the

whole event nothing but a bunch of 30

year old virgins that only use their

opposable thumbs for video games and

pulling it trust me i'm not looking

forward to it either but i figure i've

already had the worst job in the world

so what could be so bad yeah what were

you a dominatrix or something no

matt

now one summer i was the dunk t*nk girl

at pippies this kitty amusement park i

think the reason i attracted so much

business is because i grew up in the

neighborhood everyone hated me really

yeah i was so different from them i feel

like hey vinnie in the pink shirt you

feel like a freaking girl

i had water up my nose constantly

howdy duty everyone hey b we suddenly

have an opening for another fella to

work the con how about it no i i can do

it no

okay okay

so you're right so what do you say uh-uh

no way those things scare me man all

kinds of freaks running around thinking

there's spider-man and crap no thanks

man he's a benjamin

i'm in

we must get the beast we must be made

complete no no more

it's time for me to move on you can't

stop with an unfinished collection

you will have regrets i already have

regrets yeah but you'll have regrets and

more

it doesn't matter i said i wasn't going

and i can't go crawling back now crawl

alex crawl come on you know you want it

just give in it's easy no

i'm not listening to you anymore and i'm

not going

hey do you have a beast of akron uh

don't have one but i saw one being moved

in this morning over by aisle five

oh look you're right on time man hour

late fruity time right i'm sorry b but i

ran into some females and you know

fruity finally i get to take my break

hey i thought that your boyfriend zeke

was supposed to stop by and hang out

with you today yeah as usual he's

dropping the ball

i'm not waiting

have fun

all right man check this this is the

deal right

prices are on the back and whatever you

do do not go letting a guy take a comic

out of the mylar all right

hey fruity come on man where's your head

at i thought we'd be next to you know

some of them vampire girls in lace and

all but look at this we're next to some

rob zombie wannabe then look in the

other direction instead

the beast

hey alex serena

i was wondering

uh

will you be my boyfriend

yes

i mean

not boyfriend for real oh just like walk

around with me because this clan of

dorks while they're following me around

and leering not talking to me or

anything

but leering is worse than talking anyway

i always thought talking was much worse

i mean more damage you know limitless

possibilities for blurting out something

idiotic

okay then i'll shut up now so is it okay

yeah yeah of course i mean um

yeah but will you make one quick stop

with me absolutely thank god i ran into

a friend to keep me away from those

sorts of guys they spend all their time

with dolls too afraid of actual people

don't you think that's pathetic

yeah

pathetic

what about that errand

oh oh never never minds

issue 22 is this the one where the woman

i love lana wagner first finds out about

her symbiote yeah yeah it's all about

that crap and there's some other stuff

like that in there

hey girls come over here help me sew

some comics huh

is it really mint or is it just

excellent stretching for men hey girls

don't you know he's not a real athlete

he's just a wrestler easy little man

look just tell me how much this thing is

okay a buck 95 man

jeez don't get all agitated hey

understudy did you have to go to like

embalming school and crap

he got you good bro

come on come on freddy we got customers

man let's just get back to it all right

yeah look look what i did i made you a

sale from that andro sex book it was a

buck 95 but look he left the whole two

what

that comic was worth 195

dollars not a dollar 95 damn man so

you're saying i messed up yeah and i

could get fired for something like this

i don't worry about it hey it's all good

i'll just go fix it like i always do

the second i make manager i'm quitting

no way that's exactly what i promised

myself too i think this aisle only sells

things made by underpaid children in

china

so we should really get off it that

wasn't alex right there was it nah that

guy was with a girl

oh oh i'm sorry i i didn't i didn't

realize what this was i'm sorry i really

need to i swear alex look sexy robot

books cool

um

it's it's nice

nice it's completely hot i love these

books they're all these great half naked

female robot figures and you know

even though i'm a girl i still think

breasts are totally erotic

it's uh

oh wow

oh wow

i like the way all the features are so

well rendered god you know those guys

that were luring at me probably couldn't

even handle this much intimacy with a

girl we have to find out if that was

alex we have to um oh oh damn oh

guys

i feel weird

here stop by and check out the assy

table

i'm in the new issue

i totally remember the first time i

discovered p*rn don't you

uh yeah i mean it was a little

well unsettling really

i was going through my dad's closet in

hopes of finding some foreign coins i

could take to the bank in exchange

and these tapes are sticking out from

under swimming trunks i mean i don't

want to look but i do i can't help

myself

so i pull it out

and it's p*rn

my normal clean cut dad had debbie does

dallas and

star

those are total classics so what what

did you do did you watch them

uh no

no i did not

yeah right

after the first p*rn i saw

i snuck into my mother's bathroom

tried on our g-string underwear and

pranced around in front of the mirror

trying to see if i could turn myself on

it was so silly

uh would you excuse me i i have to go to

the bathroom okay i don't have to go but

i'll walk there with you hey buddy 50

bucks for the book

amen

oh sorry

damn it's like a uniform

oh god

look

it's exactly the opposite every place

else in the world

you sure you don't have to go

no i'm good

it looks like it's your turn though i'll

wait here

oh

damn that run to a nail

alex thank you goat

look don't tell anyone i was here okay

whatever you say bud

you all right ben no

go will you do me a favor and buy

something for me i can't do it cause i'm

with this girl and i don't want her to

think i'm a toy hoarding loser it's the

beast of akron i i know you're coming

from baby cause a woman once helped me

back from my dream in life the jousting

world championships

but she wouldn't let me the money for a

plane ticket

my mom's cheap

so the beast of akron huh yeah i don't

know how much it's going to be so

here's my credit card but be careful

with it the interest rate is a mother

rock on

hey

hey so what do you want to do now

um i don't know i have to make an

appearance upstairs want to go up to the

seventh floor really the seventh floor

okay then

well i don't know since you're in your

dorky work clothes though you probably

need this

um

try this

no that's not right yet

nah forget it let's just go

hello

thank y'all

hi well it seems like you know everyone

yeah but i really don't dig a lot of the

stuff they're about

i mean there are some people up here who

actually believe they're vampires

hey serena i left you a message a while

back but you never called yeah my

voicemail's been screwy see ya

i used to go out with that ass he kept

trying to get me in a three-way with his

ex god i really don't want to run into

any more surprises

can we go hang out somewhere quiet until

my break's over yeah sure

excuse me guy uh sorry about that

pardon me

hey you wait up man

hey there's been a mistake

you know with that android copy it's 195

but the upside is there's no sense sucks

for you okay if you're gonna be that way

just give me the comment back i'm sorry

that number cannot be completed as

dialed i said give me the comic do you

have a problem with our friend yo man or

whatever did you know that somebody put

makeup and girls clothes all over you

weirdo

and this becomes a double issue i dare

you cupcake he's serious that's an andro

synth 22.

hey trap you seen serena a while ago she

was walking around with some guy she was

with a guy

i'm pretty sure he was a guy yeah

someone is going to get hurt

you can sit down

you know i'm glad zeke's not here yet i

get to hang out with you and just talk

do you ever notice how easy it is to

talk to someone that you're not sleeping

with

yeah i know what you mean i mean i'm so

sick of being with these screwed up guys

all the time

really i have such crummy luck or taste

what is it with girls like me all a guy

has to say is that he's been in prison

or rehab and it's like my head tips

right over and my brain starts to slip

out of my ear so which choice is zeke

both you know if you wanted to i'm sure

you could have a different great guy to

go out with every night and twice some

nights no way

i've always been a mess

in high school i had to ask a boy to

kiss me and he said no

well needless to say i didn't kiss him

in fact i scraped the bottom of the

barrel that night

so why didn't you kiss the guy you

wanted

he acted all weird like he wasn't

interested but later i found out he

liked me but the way i dressed put them

off what about you what was your first

kiss like well this girl that liked me

just grabbed me and kissed me

i dare you to kiss alex no way he's a

freak whimp

okay fine but i'm not using tongue

wow you're so lucky

yeah lucky

maybe i'd be lucky or if i tried dating

someone nice for a change nice guys

where all the reliability and

consideration half the prison record

yeah

sure

i know you're in there it's zeke open up

ah i better let them

what's this about you being with some

other guy

hey man

i don't think that serena wants to

tend to think trap had me all worked up

over nothing come on let's go

go

go wait

hey man

did you get the beast of akron uh yes

somewhere in here

uh by the way i got a few other things

with your card i'll pay you back

check this out man underage p*rn

they're small and misproportioned yet

sexy goat what about the beast oh duh

yeah i got it wait here it is the beats

of akron

what the hell man you don't throw these

things hey don't ruin my glory moment b

that's their job

oh i love making freaks rest in peace

i know we had our words but man i hate

those guys adults dressing up in weirdo

costumes hey man thanks that was

unbelievable i am truly afraid of you

now i guess i was wrong and don't you

forget it hey can i get a picture you

want a picture

you got it

come on guys

time to crawl back through whatever

bridge or tunnel you came from

go on guys come on now shoo shoo go home

to your mothers let's go

hey i saw it first

p*stol

what do you know about need you're just

a little kid you just when you're old

and have high cholesterol and you're

afraid of public transportation and you

never needed a hotel room with a double

bed

ever and you go to a store and they got

none of the guys

take it then oh no you needed a lot more

than i do

hey serena come back here

so what's wrong with you

i dumped zeke he was a loser and you're

sad

but you dumped him yeah so

at least you didn't miss meeting the

undertaker this weekend

matt

he was sitting the next table over yep i

told you i saved fruity's ass by

pulverizing 10 guys at once right

these aren't gonna make us feel any

better

yeah

here give me the mystery flavor

hmm