01x02 - Train Pain

[bunniefuu]

ah

damn Staples

foreign

these were like made for you they'll

accentuate your

um mini package ew I think I'm gonna be

sick I'd sure like to show her in my

package bro this Magazine's from 1962.

this Ladies Man old now she probably

wears diapers has no teeth ah now you're

making me sick what do you say Mecca is

this me I don't think that's any better

are you here for my delightful company

or could it possibly be the air

conditioner hey it's cheaper than a

movie you know you guys could be hanging

out at the beach or something instead of

absorbing the odor of my mothballs Jen's

right we should hit the beach how about

Coney Island Coney Island yeah the

ferris wheel bumper cars cotton candy

darn bikinis all types of women rubbing

oil all over on you guys it'll be so fun

oh damn I forget how to get there you

take the B train duh your wrong chalk of

the arm is fastest everybody knows that

what not to get the B it was fourth and

it's like I don't know like three stops

girl when you talk makes sense hey I

think it all depends on what time of day

it is really who brought you into this

Matt hey what's up your ass guys can we

like chill out please easy now okay if

this is such a matter of personal Pride

why not you know have a race okay and

you know have a train race or something

whoever loses has to walk around in one

of these bathing suits I have deemed

unfit for human consumption

Winner's Choice Battle of the Sexes yes

imma do you in Eddie Gordo Style baby

hey Jen did you get the oh hi hey Alex

we're going to Coney Island you want to

come Alex he's afraid of jellyfish and

women it's only bikinis thanks sis

anyway I can because you know I've got

stuff to do

I was just dropping by on my way to you

know do stuff come on you guys it's

already noon okay last one's to Nathan's

our big herbs let's go you're going down

like Nina Williams

let's roll baby

so did you get it baby yeah highest

quality I got connections

can we get it on here oh come on are you

crazy and get fired I'll get fired

there's no way I'm gonna jeopardize my

job for some cheap thrill sorry

we'll go over to your place you are such

a conscientious worker thank you

is it all really faster I don't know so

why'd you say it was chocolate thinks

she's so smart you both think you're

smart you're both wrong though look

right here man right here on the map

look the Annie's best right here bro

like we sit on that and we can't lose

damn man you really blow me away it was

a year before I even knew this thing was

a map sucker here it comes

yeah

sit back and relax Victory Is Ours

man I can't wait it's one of those

topless jobs from the 60s shock is gonna

freak we should pick up a camera

we've been waiting like a billion years

for this stupid B train to come come on

what's the problem this is the fastest

way right I don't know

then why did you say it was

Rudy thinks he's so smart

isn't this the wrong train who cares

every train is up in Corny Island

anyways are you sure yeah

so break it out

dinosaur dentist a classic he has got

all his teeth

first okay hey you getting a root

canal

your turn okay

okay

yes I am the king of the world I am

going to Disneyland I love playing games

I love it what would you say is your

favorite game of all time what's the

best game

past the orange

that's not a game that's that's it's a

perversion well it qualifies as

something and it may not have the

groundbreaking Graphics of Final Fantasy

but it's cheap and simple and provides

opportunity for physical contact with

like cute near strangers oh right yes

like you can handle that like when we

were at that party remember on Beth

Berger's roof and you had the orange to

me and then you dropped it on purpose he

was doing you a favor baby I could tell

you had it bad for Beth damn your evil

machinations did it just to t*rture me

I was simultaneously in heaven and in

hell

so then it was inevitable that Beth and

Brett hook up and live annoyingly Ever

After

so why did you run away like that you

got shy all of a sudden

um something like that

I uh

gotta I

um you know did Alex get a little boner

stay on until the last stop that's

Stillwell Avenue okay

that sounds like sex

oh sway man look I'm serious I'm gonna

marry that girl you know before you make

a big decision like this you might want

to check out the bus

in some place called the Coney Island

F train flows I could walk faster

quick let's get the B

we are so screwed hurry get back on the

app

that skirt looks good on you but it will

look better balled up in the corner of

my room

do you have a mirror in your pocket

because I can see myself in your pants

do fries come with that shake cause I'm

feeling greasy

so you're saying it's not really an

island

they just call it Coney Island it's part

of Brooklyn this is really messing with

my reality now Gilligan's Island that's

a real Island right

and Thousand Islands Dressing what's up

with that

do you believe in fate

no I believe I have to go hey wait up

this is my stop too come on man come on

I'm getting off no way remember the plan

don't mess up the plan what's wrong with

you I'm missing my big chance here we'll

take the r or something what's the

difference don't flake out on me fruity

I'm not gonna end up in no Spider-Man

Underoos hey you forgot to trade numbers

I don't think so

little mama's boy damn horn dog

stop and look at a map

the guys are gonna win the M Train what

the hell's that I think it goes to Mars

oh oh not funny it's not even supposed

to be here whatever we're getting on

let the game begin when he eats the

balls I win I have got to be cause my

boss loves to eat that last one doesn't

count towards your total you're supposed

to throw a pink and you threw a green

are you talking about give me a break

and you've been keeping score all wrong

from the beginning you marked yourself

for a triple blast doll when you only

got a double dare you and the diagram

hold it hold it let's just take a step

back okay what's the matter

what we're doing

it's not normal you know what I'm saying

and you're right

it's pitiful yeah I mean come on look at

us just look at us is this how normal

adult human being should be living their

lives no I'm ashamed we should be doing

something that requires a bit more

maturity

that's 30 points

oh do you think they'll actually make us

wear one of those stupid ugly bathing

suits Mecca we're gonna win this train

is going like nine miles an hour

you saying like I don't know what I'm

doing or something no not really it's

just like you know how you are sometimes

you just sort of jump into things look

honey if I didn't take a wrist once in a

while we wouldn't like even know Matt

and fruity in the first place so

I was the one dancing in the fountain in

Washington Square Park that day and

looking really hot so all the guys

checking me out

Matt and fruity especially they were

probably just trying to get the nervix

talk to me or whatever but yeah they

sure were staring at you who's the Dork

on the skateboard ew and where'd his

friend get that haircut Kmart

was working up some fancy moves and I

guess it was my impressive skateboard

technique that attracted the ladies

all out

forget it she's really flat man like an

ironing boy you never know some girls

start late but man I'm in a hurry

impressive skateboard techniques you got

a warped memory man

I got another one my antenna's messed up

no excuses I got six pollen pellets how

many do you have shut up do you have any

shut up whoa did I touch a nerve

I guess so she had a gorgeous face man

symmetrical everything corresponded with

her body

and I lost out because of your precious

plan Professor X you should loosen up

bro hey if it wasn't for me your horny

ass would get us into all sorts of

trouble you gotta keep a cool head to

get by in the city man did I tell you

about the other day when I was on a d

going downtown all right like some guy

just pushing through as the doors are

closing get out he must have men in some

kind of

kind of himself through the door which

and everybody out the way and this g*n

falls out of his jacket Falls right

there on the floor man in front of

everybody get out of here

yeah man look everybody runs out the car

into the next one I'm there by myself

man because I didn't know what to do I

was like

all right and then like I don't know he

has he's coming right at me he has this

like weird looking space you know like

I'm scared man because you look crazy

down next to me I could feel his knee

against mine I can smell his breath it's

a bad breath man okay I'm thinking be

cool be cool man don't let on that you

freak you know because I was pretty

scared man yeah

yeah he says wanna buy a g*n

Yeah man so I was like you know trying

to be smooth but I was like yeah man I

just bought one on the A train damn

Maddie you're one lucky boy I hope it's

catching here come come here let me let

me rub your belly get off my belly man

don't touch my that's Buddha's belly

you're supposed to rub not mine damn

Avenue U

view of the line everybody up man your

plan really sucks

can't wait to see fruity hanging in the

breeze hey wait a minute it's not that

loser who would hold the door for us

oh yeah

what are you doing

hands up ladies oh my God

isn't this train fruity said to take in

the first place

um no

Mega the thing with guys is all right

they're gonna walk all over you if you

don't like take a stand for yourself you

know even when you're wrong are you

kidding me girl especially when you're

wrong you don't want to look vulnerable

in front of anybody sure I guess that

makes some kind of weird warped

Chocolate World sense

you gotta like train a guy a guy isn't a

dog true that but when you cut off a

dog's Nest they call you socially

responsible

maybe we will win after all okay why are

we at Prince Street

what do you mean

I can't believe it we're in Manhattan we

went the wrong way

you never leave a man behind I'm going

in cover me watch it and you did that on

purpose and what if I did and you're a

big cheater cheater you can't stand to

lose can you you are so serious

but I didn't follow the rules it's the

end of the world oh now I'm seeing the

real Jen the sneaky conniving I

was enjoying myself until you turned

into the Rudy Giuliani of board games

God you're typical no wonder you don't

have a boyfriend yeah

yeah what about you what girl in their

right mind would go out with a tight ass

control freak oh take that back or I'm

leaving a guy who needs to check a rule

book before he takes a bit I checked the

book once okay it takes a Polaroid of

the Monopoly board when he leaves the

room just to keep things honest oh so

now you're against honestly the only

woman in your life has missed July and

when was the last time you went on a

normal date huh no wonder you're hiding

out here playing Kitty games all weekend

ah

about a round of tiny tiny tadpole

you're on

watch it damn

it's great that really adds to the day

God we we are some poor ass suckers man

well at least we're in the right Borough

How could a train line just end like

that in the middle of nowhere we'll

never b*at the girls now

I better get ready to walk down the

beach and spandex panties I'll be there

too you know yeah damn right cause if we

had switched when I wanted to not only

will we be there by now but I could have

gotten with that cutie on the train oh

no not again mind overboard I would have

worked her and she would have been all

over me it would have been fat and on

Saturday night I go out with this hot

gal on my arm and because I be with such

a beautiful looking woman all the other

women would want to be with me me alone

and it will go on and on and on in an

escalating manner really yeah and I'd be

going there's plenty of me to go around

girls and getting my freak on with them

on the dance floor but of course though

when it's time to decide who to go home

with I will carefully consider the

possibilities you know I'm I'm a Papi

Chulo you know you gotta you gotta sort

them out right you know choosing one or

two or maybe even three of the finest I

can't be greedy but bro I think I can

see your head growing damn

just when it was getting good

listen Captain Suave we're not going to

let ourselves be emasculated no way what

it's kind of like castrated but not as

bad if it's anything like cash traded

it's bad enough

like we can do this man we're guys we're

strong we're determined we're wearing

cross trainers yeah come on it's only 20

more blocks let's run let's bounce

cowboy

girl I like the way you spit thank you

well I've never been with a guy who

rolls doubles the way you can over and

over well you know I say that for you I

know it was

unbelievable you think you could do it

again big boy I don't know can you

handle it I think so are you ready you

ready for some more I could really go

for some Uncle weekly

I think I need 10 minutes no problem

oh

damn

I'm gonna be masculated

I don't believe what happened to us I

don't care you lost but they were

accentuating circumstances

hold up let me say it again

you lost

I should have waxed man I feel the fool

my manhood spinny and what's with your

tag on my shirt minus

oh no you you doing it

fresher in the subway station then you

move me on the train then you nearly run

me down and that taxi over by the

Cyclone ah you took a taxi I think you

are fatly mistaken sir oh yeah

when am I mistaken about the birth mark

on your left cheek she doesn't have a

birthmark not that cheek oh why you no

account no red back stabbing front ass

cab taking foul ass shaking heads oh you

you big fat dumb guy you don't even have

a brain in your

house

huh