07x25 - Quailman Vs. the Triad of Terror

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[narrator] Megalopolis--
hustling, bustling home

to teeming millions,
a city ever on the go.

But far from the madding crowd
and endless din

lies a thicket of solitude,
an oasis of calm,

where the city's mightiest hero, Quailman,

can find peace and tranquility.

It sure is peaceful
and tranquil around here, Quaildog.

It's been days since I've caught anyone
threatening the earth as we know it

or robbing a bank, or even leaving
the toilet seat up.

I just don't understand it.

What are all the supervillains up to?

Where could they be?

Erp.

[squeals]

Huh?

Great grains of millet!

This just might be a clue.

"International supervillain convention

and trade show."

Hmm. "See the latest in evil weapons.

Free disaster blasters for the kiddies"?!

Come on, Quaildog.
We'd better check this out.

Fly away!

Arf! Arf!

[door squeals]

[whistles]

[evil laughter]

Doomsday, doomsday, doomsday, doomsday...

Oh, here you are... Dr. Doomsday.

Right between Dr. and Mrs. Cranky

and the evils of Cleveland.

Welcome to the Supervillain Convention
and Trade Show.

Excuse me. What time is the workshop

on wreaking havoc on a global scale?

Enjoy the next show.

[villains grunting]

[narrator] Yes,
the supervillain convention--

The grandest gathering of scoundrels,

ne'er-do-wells, and cutthroats
to be found anywhere

outside our halls of government.

A chance for evil's darkest stars

to ply their sinister trade.

[indistinct chatter]

The Vermilion Albatross,
Galactopus, Dark Invader...

[breathing heavily] I'm your father.

No, you're not.

And, of course, the rottenest apple

in the whole rotten barrel--
evil incarnate,

that vile vulture of villainy...

Klotzenstein.

Paging Dr. Klotzenstein.

I'm Klotzenstein.

Give me that.

Hmm.

[machines beeping]

Evil people sure are lousy tippers.

"And report to the Poison Ivy Room
immediately for a private luncheon."

Hmm. This can only mean one thing...

Free eats!

"Reserved, invitation only.

All others will be vaporized."

Hey, hey. Sounds like my kind of shindig.

Oh, no, not you!

Golden Salmon! Robobone!

Why are you two superlosers here?

For the same evil purpose
as yourself, Dr. Klotzenstein.

Looking for a free lunch.

I don't get it. Who asked us here?

Apparently, somebody who doesn't
know the first thing

about entertaining pure evil.

You never invite three hated rivals
to the same lunch.

Especially when two of them
are jealous of me.

Jealous?! Now, see here, mister
"I need 3 identities to make me special."

If you think I'm--

Are you turkeys gonna yap all day,
or are we gonna eat?

My blood sugar's dropping like a--
like a--

Help me here.

Hey, who are you calling turkey, mister?!

[arguing]

[creature] Silence!

Be seated, earth scum!

Hmm. At last. Are you our waiter?

[creature] No!

I am Generalissimo Twang,

emperor of a galaxy at
the far edge of the universe.

I'm projecting this hologram
of my majestic self

across the vastness of time and space.

Wow. I can't even get my mobile phone
to work across town.

Quiet!

I have plans to send a vast
armada of spacecraft

to conquer your puny planet

and seize control
of your horsefly population.

Horseflies, you say?

They are considered quite a delicacy
on my planet.

But I require the assistance of you three.

You mean, you expect us
to betray our fellow man

to some slimy alien
for the price of a lunch?

Yes.

OK, whatever.

So, are we ready to order?

Oh, very well.

Bring forth food.

[imitating French accent]
Tres businessmen's specials por vous.

As I was saying,

it is my custom to recruit
three local villains

to govern the planets I conquer,

and I have chosen you.

Three? Why not just one?

Don't question my exposition, earthling!

[growls]

Now, this is my plan.

I conquer Earth and appoint
you three as dictators

to divide up the world any way you desire.

All you must do is one teensy,
weensy little thing.

You must put an end to the
earth's greatest superhero,

which is to say, you must destroy

Mega Meta Mighty Man!

[all] Mega Meta Mighty Man?

[screaming]

Mega Meta Mighty Man?

He's able to leap speeding
b*ll*ts in a single bound.

And more handsome than a locomotive.

We don't have a chance against
Mr. Perfect Bulging Muscles,

not to mention those sparkly teeth.

Don't tell me you great villains

are afraid of Mega Meta Mighty Man.

No, no, of course not.

We're just [chuckles] surprised that
you think he's Earth's greatest superhero.

Yeah, he's way over the hill,
yessiree, Bob.

I mean, yessiree, Twang.

Well, then, who is Earth's
greatest superhero?

Thunder Woman?

[screaming]

[all] No.

The Web Weaver?

[screaming]

[all] No.

Well, who, then?

Uh, good question, Your Honor.

Eh... huddle!

Who are we going to come up with?

Somebody not too scary.

With hardly any super powers.

Who we know we can defeat--

without interrupting lunch.

[all] Quailman!

Yipe!

Gak!

Well, I don't care much
for the presentation.

Generalissimo Twang, I don't need help
defeating Quailman.

I can do it by myself.

This salmon swims solo.

Yeah, I work alone.

Yessiree, Twang.

Silence!

You three will work together
to guarantee the success of my plan,

or I will give the job
to the Flugel triplets.

Do you want to live in a world

ruled by three annoying Swiss bell ringers
in Lederhosen?

[all complaining]

[all] OK.

That's better.

A toast, then... To evil guys
working together

and the destruction of--
who was that again?

[all] Quailman.

-Right.
-Ha ha ha ha.

[all] To evil guys working together

and the destruction of Quailman.

Ugh! Ptoui!

Yuck! There's half a mustache
in my drink! Waiter?!

Shh! Quiet, monsieur, or everyone will be
wanting one.

[all] It's Quailman!

Ha. You certainly don't look like Earth's
greatest superheroes,

but who can tell these days?

Come on, Quaildog.

Let's squash this
evil scheme here and now.

There's only three of them.
Hey, where's Klotzenstein?

[Dark Invader breathing heavily]

Quaildog, do you hear heavy breathing?

Uh... oh...

Destroy them!

I'll be back after I obliterate
another nearby planet.

Heh heh. I, uh, don't
suppose you'd all care

to form a single line and... surrender.

Come on, guys. It's quail-hunting season.

This looks like a good time
for the speed of the quail.

Fly away!

[villain] Look at him bob.

Look at him dart!

Look at him bob and...
[breathes heavily] dart.

Come on, villains, grab your weapons!

[narrator] Dark Invader
is about to unleash

one of the most evil weapons of all time--

That pernicious pelter of pastries,

the Piemaster Throw 2000.

[villains grunting]

Hey, come on!

[whistles]

Hey!

I've got you now, Quailman.

Oops.

Oop!

[narrator] And what's this?

A w*apon too awful to contemplate.

It's that cannon of cattle, the Cowitzer.

Holy cow! It's a heat-seeking heifer!

[gasp]

[mooing]

[groaning]

Why is it that the bad guys
are always such lousy sh*ts?

[villain] I'll catch them!

[narrator] Mercy the Mingles has saved
the worst for last--

The treacherous tweeters
and woofers of the Kablare box.

Quailman, you'll never
withstand my supersonic blasts

of incredibly boring opera music. Ha!

[man singing opera]

Quick, Quaildog. Stick some of this flaky
pie crust in your ears.

The only way out of here is to turn that
Kablare box louder.

What?!

We're cranking up the volume

from extra loud to raise the roof.

[man singing opera very loudly]

Aaaah! Awoooo!

Good work, quail peer.

-Once again, good wins out over evil.
-Aroo?

Now let's go gather us some much-needed
quail R and R.

[Quaildog] Aroo.

Oh, I know hiding sounds
more chicken than quail,

but if they can't find us,
they can't eliminate us.

It's all so simple and nonviolent.

No doubt they'll stage
some spectacular crime

just to lure us in and trap us.

Let's stage some spectacular crime

just to lure them in and trap them.

How about we go back to the dawn of time

and bring back a herd
of rampaging dinosaurs?

Let's drain the world's oceans
and blow up the mountains.

Child's play!

I say we break into
all the taco stands on Earth

and mix up the hot and the mild sauces!

At least my dinosaur idea

has some kind of originality.

[Twang] Silence!

Will you bottom-feeding bumpkins
never stop bickering?!

[all pouting] Oh, all right.

How many times do I have to tell you

if you're ever going
to destroy Quailman now,

you're going to have to work as a team?!

[all whining]

Now, come on, it won't be so bad.

I've come up with
this spiffy villainous name for you.

The Triad of Terror!

Well... well... well...

I'm even getting team uniforms printed up.

With caps?

Yes, with caps,
you carbon-based crybabies!

What is wrong with you?!

Do you like losing to Quailman?

Right! If Generalissimo Twang

wants teamwork to defeat Quailman,

then teamwork it shall be.

I'm in!

OK, OK! I guess crushing my archenemy's
worth carpooling.

That's the spirit!

Now, remember, the sooner
Quailman is neutralized,

the sooner you can be dictators
and rule the world!

Don't forget our caps!

You heard the generalissimo.

Now let's go to my secret hideout
and make plans to crush Quailman.

What do ya mean, your secret hideout?!
Mine is closer!

Your laboratory smells funny.

[narrator] In the days following,

Quailman makes good on his vow

to stay away from the clutches
of his enemies

by doing nothing!

[TV newscaster] We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.

Those infamous villains, now known as
the Triad of Terror,

have pooled their evil genius
to unleash a new horror on the world!

Let me show you.

Laboratory-spawned money-eating bacteria.

[gasp] I'm sure the economy
can be straightened out

as soon as the thr*at
from Twang has passed.

My natural instinct is
to right this wrong,

but I must remain in hiding
to save the earth.

Thank heavens for cartoons.

[Doug on TV] Dear journal, it's me--

[newscaster] We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.

I'm at the northernmost
point of South America

witnessing the Triad of Terror's
most daring crime yet--

The separation of the continents!

[gasp] Those scoundrels
leave me no choice!

My instinct to right wrongs is too strong.

No more pesky news flashes
to interrupt my cartoon viewing.

I'm switching to cable TV!

[wacky cartoon sounds]

[yawns]

[Robobone on TV] Listen up, you people!

Huh?!

This is a special announcement from us,

the Triad of Terror!

We're canceling this program

and all programs on every other channel.

Cable TV, too.

From now on, all you're
going to get is static, forever and ever!

That does it!

When they mess with my cartoons,

they're making this personal!

Come, Quaildog!
Trap or no trap,

there's no place those three
can hide from me now!

We'll scour the earth!

[narrator] But if Quailman is ever to find
the terrible trio,

he'll have to set his sights
somewhat higher than Earth.

[Klotzenstein] If this doesn't put a twist
in Q-man's super shorts,

nothing will!

Say, I don't know about you boys,

but the past few days have been
the happiest of my heinous career.

You know, I've been feeling
the same way myself.

Twang was right.

[sniffles] Teamwork rules.

[all] Awww...

[alarms blaring and ringing]

[all] Huh?!

The alarm! Quailman's approaching.

We have to be very careful.

I know this is a trap,

and they know I know this is a trap,

and I know they know
I know this is a trap,

-and they know--
-[growls]

Well, I guess you get the idea.

Hold it!

There's something suspicious about
the pattern of moon dust around here.

Aha! Just as I suspected--

The motion-activated, self-camouflaging,
lunar-powered quail snare.

Did they really think
they could capture me with this... toy?

Those three haven't built the trap
that can snare Quailman.

Of course, I could be wrong.

[Quaildog groans]

[Klotzenstein] Group hug!

Awww...

We did it, guys!

We caught the feathered freak!

And his little mutt, too!

And all it took was... teamwork.

I'll summon Generalissimo Twang

with this intergalactic beeper.

He should be informed of our victory.

[beep]

This better be good news.

I was just sitting down to a meal
of deep-fried zaflokin.

[all] Ta-da!

-[blows raspberry]
-Excellent!

I'll make sure you all
receive a fruit basket.

OK... destroy Quailman!

Now, not so fast.

Supervillain rule number one--

never destroy your opponent
right off the bat.

We're going to do it
on a live TV broadcast!

I'm the host.

And with this jim-dandy
little dimension blaster,

I'm gonna zap Quailman
into another dimension.

And I'm gonna show the citizens of Earth

how we divided up the world between us.

Now, hold it right there, fish boy.

That map is wrong.

I'm supposed to get Sweden,
and you get Quebec.

You're mistaken!

I traded you Quebec for Zimbabwe.

Hey! I get Zimbabwe!

I'm the only one that speaks Italian!

Oh, you don't speak Italian at all!

Silence!

You've come this far. Now quit bickering
and finish the job!

I'm going back to my zaflokin.

All right, people, let's get back to work.

We've got a show to put on.
Lights! Camera! Makeup!

Hmm. Did you hear that argument, Quaildog?

There may be a way out of this yet.

Uh-huh.

[static on TV]

We're baaack.

Hello, everyone.

Dr. Klotzenstein here
with some exciting news

from the Triad of Terror!

The earth will soon be
conquered by an alien empire

who will appoint us as your dictators.

And here to explain the new setup

is the Golden Salmon!

Thank you, Dr. K.

And a big hello to all of you
from the lunar surface.

Now, as you can see from the map,

we've divided up the continents
into three equal parts.

If you're not sure which of us
will reign in your area,

consult your local listings for details.

Now over to my friend
and colleague, Robobone.

Listen up, earth people.

To kick off our reign of terror,

here's a special bonus treat.

I'm gonna zap Quailman and Quaildog

with this dimension blaster.

It'll banish them forever
to another dimension--

Very much like ours,
only nobody wears socks.

Now, the rules of super-villain etiquette

require us to ask,

have you any final words, Quailman?

Yes. I was just wondering,
who gets Greenland?

-I do.
-I do!

I said it first!
I get it!

No way! I want Greenland!

It's... green!

No! I have a prior claim.

My accountant's from Greenland.

Don't give me that!

[narrator] Just as Quailman anticipated,

overriding greed drives a wedge

between the villains' tenuous alliance.

A battle royale ensues,

replete with pushing, shoving,
childish acting-out,

and other inappropriate behavior.

And while the villains engage
in their selfish argument,

Quailman quickly disrupts
the laser beam cage.

-Huh?!
-Aroo?

-Whoa!
-Rhoa!

Come, Quaildog.

A little bobbing and darting
should make short work of these three.

Arf! Arf!

[narrator] With bravery
and teamwork of their own,

the avian avengers soon have
the villains wrapped up!

[all grunting]

Ooh! Something tells me

good has triumphed over evil once again!

If they had stuck together,
they might have defeated me.

Luckily, bad guys don't
work well with others.

Right, Quaildog?

Rrr-ruff!

If only these villains
could learn a better way,

they could pool their talents,
do good deeds,

and be beloved throughout the world.

Hey, guys, maybe Quailman's right.

Maybe we've been wrong all these years.

Maybe we should pool our talents...

and do good deeds...

And be beloved throughout the world.

[all] Nah!

[sighs] Very well.

Looks like evil is not only uncooperative,

but stubborn, too.

Rrrr...

When will wrongdoers learn that crime

is a one-way shuttle pass to the poky?

What say we give the generalissimo
a jingle

and tell him to cancel his invasion plans.

[beep]

This better be important.

I was relaxing in a hot sitzpollat!

Quailman! You're supposed to be
in another dimension!

Not this time, Twang.

Check out your Triad of Terror now.

[gasp]

What?!

D-ooh! Don't tell me!

You've stopped working as a team,
and Quailman defeated you!

[making mealy-mouthed excuses]

Fine! Fine!

Just fine!

There'll be no invasion now!

And you three will be dictators of zilch!

Can I be dictator of zilch and Greenland?

Bipedal nincompoops!

I'll just go conquer someplace else.

I have my eye on a planet

on the far side of the galaxy.

Oh, yes. The planet Bob!

Well, I guess we won't
be seeing him again.

-As they say, all's well that ends--
-[squeals]

Did he say the planet Bob?

Ruh-huh!

Quick, Quaildog! We must return
to our home planet.

We've got another invasion to stop.

Fly away!

You heard him. I'm gonna
be dictator of zilch.

No! I must have zilch for my own!

If anyone deserves zilch, it's me!

Well, you get no argument
from me on that one!

[all three squabbling]

[theme music playing]