05x13 - My Dinner with Bigfoot

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

- How's it lookin', Henry?

- Lookin' gooooooood.

How's it lookin', Ray?

- It's lookin' oooooooooohkay!

How's it lookin' Charlotte?

- I do not know what I'm doing.

What?!

Why would you mess with the Man Mane

if you don't know what you're doing?

- You told me it didn't matter.

- When did I say that?

- Ten minutes ago!

When I walked out of the elevator

and found you guys dancing around chanting,

"Haircut chain! Haircut chain! Haircut chain!"

- Haircut chain! Haircut chain!

Haircut chain! Haircut chain!

- Hey!

We're gonna cut each other's hair!

- With lasers! - You in?!

- I do not know how to give a haircut with a laser.

- Doesn't matter! - Then okay.

Haircut chain! Haircut chain! Haircut chain!

Haircut chain! Haircut chain...

- That didn't happen.

- Yes it did.

- Who are you going to believe, Charlotte?

Your own flawed "memory"

or three guys who've been up all night

playing video games and eating popsicles?

- Yeah, that's not a tough choice.

- Yeah, exactly. Popsicle boyz!

- You might want to look where you're lasering.

- You better look where you're lasering!

Ahh!

- What was that?

- Uh, nothing.

- No no no no, you tiny screamed.

- Dude it was nothing. Hey Schwoz,

random question--

you got anything that regrows hair?

- What?!

- Don't worry, I got something.

This hair growing cream works great.

I've been using it on the sides

and back of my head for years.

- Any instructions for this stuff?

- Oh yeah, lots of 'em.

But I don't have time to tell you right now

because I'm late for my dinner with Bigfoot.

- Whaaat?! - Huh?

- Wait! Stop stop! - My hair.

- What? - Bigfoot?!

- Like, Bigfoot Bigfoot?

- Yah.

- The Bigfoot?

- Like the made-up creature who lives in the woods?

- He's not made up, he dated my sister.

- Your sister dated Bigfoot?!

- Yah, it didn't work out between them,

he wanted kids, she didn't,

but I always thought he was a chill hang.

- Wow.

- Can we go with you?!

- Oh yeah! - Yes, yes, please?

- Come on.

- I don't like to mix my work friends

with my wood friends but--

- Come on, Schwoz! Just let us come.

- Fine, let's go to dinner with Bigfoot.

- Yeah! - Woo!

- But don't embarrass me!

[ murmuring ]

[ alarm blares ]

- Emergency alert.

- Dinner with Bigfoooot!

[ all chanting ] Dinner with Bigfoot!

[all chanting] Dinner with Bigfoot!

Dinner with Bigfoot! Dinner with Bigfoot!

- Hey, that hair growing cream worked great.

- Yeah, it looks gooood, dude.

- Oh, nice...

This worries me a little.

- Whoa! - Hair!

- Don't touch me.

- You have to wear a glove when you apply it.

That's part of the instructions.

- You didn't tell me any instructions.

- Okay, step one: Don't itch your ears.

- Sooo, Schwoz, where is Bigfoot?

- Yeah man,

we've been walking around for four whole minutes.

I'm starting to think you don't really know Bigfoot.

- Relax. Lemme just call him.

Bigfooooot!

He's on his way.

- If you were just gonna scream his name,

then why'd you pull out your phone?

- So I could get a picture of you guys

when Bigfoot shows up.

- You mean IF he shows up.

We've been here for FIVE whole minutes now--

I'm starting to think you don't actually know hi--

- RAAAAA!

- Ahhh!

- Awww, that's a good one.

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ahhh!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime. Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

- You guys! Bigfoot is real!

- Real handsome.

[ laughter ]

It's nice to meet you.

- Sooo...this is Hen--

- Oh, I know this guy.

Henry Hart? A.K.A. Kid Danger?

Feels goooooooood...

- Bigfoot knows my thing!

- Course I do.

Schwoz talks about you guys all the time.

- What? - Yeah.

You must be Charlotte.

Schwoz tells me you're even smarter than he is.

- Whaaaaaat? It's true though.

[ laughter ]

- Jasperrrr! - Yeah!

- J-Dogg. - B-Foot!

- How's that girl with all the allergies?

- Oh yeah, she ghosted me.

- Ahh.

- I keep texting her, but she never responds.

- You should probably stop.

- Oh, I like that.

[ all laughing ]

- [ coughs ]

And uhhh last...

but certainly not least...

- Heyyyyy...

there he is...

- There I am...

- This guy... - Yeah...

- [coughs] You must be uhhh...

Henry's dad?

- Henry's dad? Are you...

Are you kidding me?!

- Are you uhhh... Jasper's dad?

- Uh, I'm Ray.

A.K.A. Captain Man!

- Oh! Schwoz never mentioned you.

Are you new to the Schwoz Cave?

- THE SCHWOZ CAVE?!

- Listen, listen...

I found this great campsite just past the creek.

Let's all go down there and have dinner,

we'll get to know each other better.

- Yeah. - All right, let's go.

- That's a tough one daddy.

- That one there is Orion,

also known as The Great Bully In The Sky.

- Ooh.

- Those three stars are his belt.

Legend says Orion takes off that belt

and uses it to whip nerds

in the Cosmic School Hallway.

Anyway...I think I'm gonna sing "Father Figure"

for my Swellview's Got Talent audition this year

- SCARE! - AHHHHHHH!

- Ahhhhhh!

- Let's eat!

- Sometimes I just want to sneak into town

to get that good salsa.

But people would see me

and they'd either want a selfie

or they'd try and k*ll me.

- And I hear that.

I can't go anywhere without getting mobbed.

- Appreciate your sympathy, Ron.

- Ray. It's...it's Ray.

- I'm so sorry. "Captain Ray."

- No, it's Captain Man.

My name is Ray. [ laughs ]

And I just think it's hilarious that this guy

has no idea who I am-- - Dude, I'm so sorry.

- And there's no dijon mustard for this hotdog.

- Hey, dude, dude. - Said it was a great campsite

doesn't seem so great to me! - Dude, calm down.

- His words, not mine!

- Ray, Ray? - I'm the problem?

- Ray, Ray? - I'm embarrassing?

- Ray! - You're embarassing.

- I am. - You are.

- Got it. - Okay. Listen.

You know what? You need to calm down,

you need to go in the forest. You need to take a lap.

- I don't wanna take a lap.

- You need to take a lap, Ray.

- I do not need a lap! It's not my lap time!

- Uh, I wouldn't take a lap.

It's pretty dangerous out there.

- Oh. Okay. I'm taking a lap!

- Okay.

- Real quick, is the hair growing

on anyone else's hands starting to burn?

- I do not have hair on my hands.

- Me, neither. - Mine's fine.

- Next question:

why'd you say it was so dangerous out there?

- There's this hunter-- S. Thompson.

He's been setting traps for me all over the woods.

- Hey!

I found some pork chops! Just lyin' here on the ground.

- No, no, no, don't--

[ metal twang ] - G'ahhh! It was a trap.

MONKEY FUNGUS THIS HURTS!

- You alright, dude?

- I'm ohh-kay!

Hey, is that a bottle of root beer!

I'm gonna grab it!

- No don't grab it! That's probably another trap--

[ metal twang ]

- COBRA-KAI, THAT WAS EQUALLY PAINFUL.

G'ahhh.

- People have been hunting you for years.

What's so special about this guy?

- He's really good.

He knows exactly what I like.

Pork chops, root beer...

Ray: Season two of Will & Grace on Blu-Ray!

- That's a good season...

Ray: That's a great season!

Maybe I can pick it up with my foot.

- Ray, stop!

[ metal twang] - Ahhhhh!

SWEET MEGAN MULLALLY WHEN WILL I LEARN MY LESSON?!

- Someone should go get him.

- On it.

- Anyway...

it's only a matter of time

before that hunter, S. Thompson, catches me.

- Y'know, Biggie...

my friends are superheroes.

Maybe they can help get this guy off your back.

Ray: Hey, Henry! Grab that top hat

that's randomly lying on the ground!

- No, dude! It's a trap!

- But look how fancy it is.

I know, I'll just kick it out of the trap

really fast before it closes.

- No no, that's not gonna work.

[ metal twang ] - YOWWWW!

MAMMA MIA THAT'S A SPICY BEAR TRAP!

- See what I mean? There's traps everywhere.

- Hey!

Did you guys know there's a bunch of traps

and a really sweet top hat in the woods?!

- And even though Captain Man and Kid Danger

didn't show up to the emergency, everything was okay.

Just kidding, it was a disaster.

We'll get back to you later

with a full list of terrible injuries...

- But for now let's move on to tonight's BIG story--

Big Foot.

- That's right, Mary.

Local jerk, Mitch Bilsky,

claims to have had a run-in

with the notoriously hairy creature

while he was quote "chillin' out,

maxin', relaxin' with his bros."

- Here for comment is Bigfoot Expert

and well-known internet troll, S. Thompson.

- Yeah, hi.

I'm sick of people tellin' me

that Bigfoot isn't real.

Because Bigfoot is real,

I'm gonna catch him,

and no one's gonna laugh at me anymore.

- [ chuckles ]

- Well local jerk Mitch Bilsky won't laugh at you.

Because he saw Bigfoot tonight.

In the woods.

- Tonight?! - In the woods.

- Okay...well... as promised,

here is the list of the people who were injured

when Captain Man and Kid Danger didn't show up.

- Oooh!

- Did you hear that?! - Yeah.

My name's gonna be on that list of injured people.

Oooh! There I am.

"Jake Hart, self inflicted."

- No, I'm talking about Bigfoot!

He's in the woods!

Do you know how many likes I could get

if I posted a selfie with Bigfoot?!

- A lot?

- I could get bona fide on Twitflash!

- I'm forty-two and three-quarters years old.

What is "bona fide?"

- It's that little blue checkmark next to your name

that means you're better than everyone else.

- If I help you get that checkmark

will you finally respect me?

- If I say "yes" will you come with?

- Yes! - Then let's go!

- Wait!

What about your great-grandfather's birthday?

- We got him balloons. What more does he want?

- Sorry, Grampy...

- Thanks. - Yeah, you got it.

- It was really hard to go to the bathroom

with all that hand hair. - I don't want to hear about it.

- Okay. I'll go tell Charlotte.

- What?

- Hey, I got the pine needles

you wanted to cover the trap!

- Oh my god, where did the trap go?

- Seriously?

That's all the pine needles you could get?

- Well I could have gotten more

if maybe someone would have helped me.

- Ulch, fine. I'll help.

Jasper! Schwoz!

Go with Charlotte and get more pine needles!

- Yes sir.

- So what's the plan?

- We're gonna trap that jerk-bag hunter.

- Yeahhhh. Bigfoot likey.

- Yeah yeah yeah, and then as soon

as we spring the trap,

Captain Man and I will pop out

hit him with the memory wiper

and he won't even remember that your Bigfoot.

- Oh ho ho--solid plan.

How does this trap work?

- Great question, Foot.

- You're gonna stand right over there,

and when the hunter sees you he's gonna be like,

"Doo do doo doo doo there's Bigfoot!"

- Yeah yeah yeah

and then he's gonna walk over

and stand right here-- this spot...

- Right here?

- Mmhmm, right where we're standing right now.

- And then Schwoz will hit a button

and he'll spring the trap.

- This trap right here? - The same.

- The one we're standing over right now.

- And where is this button that springs the trap

we're standing on right now?

- Another great question, Foot.

It is riiigghhhhttt...

...there.

- Hey there, fella!

Would you mind stepping over here to the--

Woo!

- Okay, we need a new plan.

- Scream for help? - Scream for help.

- Helppp! - We're stuck in this box!

- Save us, Captain Schwoz! - Ahhhh!

- Ahhhh! - Helppp!

- Woo! Gah! Yeewoo!

Finally got Bigfoot!

Yeah, gah, you're in there boy!

Woo!

I'm gonna call the news right now!

That's right, I'm gonna be famous!

I'm definitely gonna get married now...

- Dude, he's calling the news. What are we gonna do?

- Oh come on. Like the news is gonna pick up.

- This has been Brian "The Fender Bender...

[ phone rings]

Is your...

is your phone ringing during our--

- It sure is, Trent.

Let me just care of that.

Hi, this is Mary G, how ya' be?

No it's a good time.

- It's not a good time.

- That's right, Trent. It's a great time.

Let me just put you on speaker.

- This is the hunter, S. Thompson,

and I trapped Bigfoot! Bring your cameras--

you can be the first people in the world

to show pictures of him!

- Grab the cameras, Matty, we're going to the woods!

Rick Cohen-- bring the news desk!

- Hold on a sec, my mom is calling.

Hiii Mama G, how ya' be?

- They found Bigfoot, Mare!

I saw it on the news!

- He called the news! They're on the way!

- Relax, Foot,

I'm gonna laser us outta here.

- What? No no no!

Dude, it's diamond plated steel--

- Ow.

- Maybe if I set this thing to k*ll--

- Hang on a second. Dude, dudedudeududedude...

- What what?

- Dude, look at his arm.

- Yeah, it's big, but mine are way bigger.

- What, no that's not what I'm--

Look at the bald spot.

Looks like he's got normal skin. - So?!

- So, this might sound crazy but...

what if we shave Bigfoot with our lasers?

- Okay, love that.

- I don't know guys.

My hair is kind of my thing.

- Exactly! So if we zap your hair off,

when they open this up

we'll just be three totally normal hairless dudes

just chilling in the woods.

- Hairless boyz... - Exactly!

- I don't knowwww...

- Woo! Ya hear that?

The news is coming!

Yeah the world is finally gonna know the name

of hunter, S. Thompson!

You're mine now, ya big, smelly hairbag!

- Be gentle.

- What are you doing?

- I'm rubbing sticky tree sap on my exposed skin.

If you don't have bug spray, it's a great alternative.

- Yeah, there's no way that's true.

- Piper...

I know A LOT about nature.

My parents used to leave me in the woods

for a month every summer.

See this moss?

- What about it?

- Reticulated Everbrown Moss.

Very safe to eat.

The locals call it "Nature's Salad."

- Yeah, this says that Everbrown Moss is brown.

That was green.

- Ah, green moss, brown moss,

it's all nature, baby!

- My phone says that's North American Mold Moss

and it's highly toxic.

- Yeah, it tastes really bad.

[ phone dings ] - KLVY news alert!

Bigfoot is in a trap right near us!

- Uhh... I feel weeeird...

- Stop eating poisonous moss!

- I--I just--I

- Hey, I got more pine needles for the trap.

- Okay, just put it over there by the--

Wait wait, that is not--

- Comin' in with needles!

- Give 'em to Schwoz.

- No, do not do that.

- I can't hear with all this ear hair.

- Give your pine needles to Schwoz!

- Okay!

- Wait don't-- Aiiii!

I know my muscles are huge but--

- Hey guys someone caught Bigfoot in a trap--

byyyyeeee! - Wait. What did she say?

- Someone taught Bigfoot how to rap!

- No!

Someone caught Bigfoot in a trap!

- Wait. What about the pine needles?!

- Who cares?! - I care!

- Pipurrrrr! Wert fer pappa!

Gah!

- Aiiiiii!

- Gehh, arhhh--blaaa....

[ helicopter whirs ]

- That's good, Rick!

- Did I miss Bigfoot?!

- Nah, that guy's about to reveal him right now.

I'm gonna get a video of me looking at his feet and going,

"What are those?!"

- Hey, if I could have everyone's attention!

I'd like to give a little speech.

Webster's defines hero...

as a big sandwich...

but if you look a little further down--

- Just open it up, ya gunch!

- Fine, I'll open it.

Behold...

Bigfoot!

[ gasps ]

- Uh...

- Hey, everybody. - Hi people of Swellview.

- Trent, Mary. How's it goin? - How are you?

- So...where's Bigfoot?

- He's there! He's right there! Look!

- Who, Eddie?

This is just our friend Eddie.

- Hi. I'm Eddie.

- Yeah and Eddie here he--

he likes to wear... hair shorts.

- Which are a real thing. - Mmhmm.

- Woah...

I never heard of no hair shorts.

- Well, I have!

And, you know what,

I say...

hair shorts are the coolest!

- How 'bout that? - Okay.

- Did you hear?

Kid Danger says hair shorts are the coolest!

- Yeah! And he's an influencer

so hair shorts have to be cool!

- I--I mean, those are the rules...

- Come on, guys!

Let's go get some hair shorts!

- No! No wait! Don't leave!

Y'all that's Bigfoot! And I found him!

And I'm gonna get married!

- [ growling ] Piiiiiiiiiiipppppppeeer!!!

- Now THAT'S Bigfoot!

- [grunting] - Get him!

- Well, that just about wraps her up...

- Sooooo, you guys want to go back to the Man Cave

and watch Will & Grace?

- Season two? - Do you even have to ask?

- Ooooo, look! Some Cheese-titos!

- Wha--no, dude, don't--

- Just let him. It's the only way he'll learn.

- ...these things are cheese-tastic.

AHHH! CRUNCHY SNACKS THAT SMARTS!

Hey look, a cane!

That'll go perfect with my top hat!

- Or he'll never learn.

[ metal twang] - D'OW!

PUTTING ON THE RITZ THAT HURTS!