04x06 - Meet Cute Crush

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

- Now, to save money on eye shadow,

I suggest using... Paprika.

- And instead of foundation, which is really expensive,

you can use...hummus.

Oh, and notice I'm not using a sponge.

This is just an old tissue I found in the trash.

- Yeeeeaahhh, I'm not puttin' hummus on my face.

[ tube beeps ]

Hey hey...

- Hey Charlotte. - Hey what's up Char.

- So what happened?!?

- Oh, well...

we showed up at the playground, right?

- And there's like a bunch of second graders

playin' in the sandbox...

- They were playin' in the sandbox...

- Yea. I just said that. - Yea, right...

but what the kids didn't realize was...

- That uh, there was a nest of scorpions

right in the sandbox!

- Scorpions?!?

- Oh yeah, - Crawling all over them.

- Freaking out. - They're like, ahh!

- Ahhh! - They're on my face!

- For the love of God, get these scorpions off of me!!

And then we just grabbed a fire hose.

- Big ol' fire hose.

- We just uh..

sprayed the scorpions off the kids.

[ beeping ]

- Hey, that's Jasper calling from upstairs.

- Uh...great

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey, it's me, Jasper.

- Yeah, we can see you.

- Cool. Uh, so, Henry...

- Yeah what's up big dog? What do you need?

- Your sister is here!

- Wha--Why? What does she want?

- I don't know!

I told her you were busy,

and then she got mad and said she's not leaving

'til she talks to you!

- Um, are you sure she's mad?

- Uh, yeah! Look at her pacing angrily!

- [ groaning ]

- Look, just tell her I'll see her at home,

before I leave for New York.

- Huh? You're going to New York?

- Yeah, for the weekend.

- Why?

- 'Cuz you don't need to know why, that's why.

- Well!

- Hey! I already tried telling Piper you'd talk to her later.

- And?

- She grabbed my earlobe

and yanked it, really hard!

And then she started asking all kinds of questions

about Junk-N-Stuff, and why you're never here,

and why there's no customers...

- All right Kid, maybe you better go upstairs

and get rid of your sister.

- All right, okay,

I'll be back in a sec.

- Uh, Kid...? - Huh? What?

- Maybe you wanna. chew some gum.

before you go see your sister?

- Why, is my breath bad?

- Yeah, it smells like Kid Danger.

- Ahhh... Good catch.

- Uh-huh. - Nice one.

- Thats why you're the boss buddy.

- Ahhh!

- What what what?!?!?

- On your back!

A scorpion!

- Huh?

Uh...All right...

uh...here, k*ll it.

k*ll it on my back.

- Uhhh okay!!!

- C'mon what are ya waitin' for?

- I don't wanna hurt you!

- Dude, I'm indestructible.

- All right all right all right all right!

- So just get set-- Owww!

Dude I wasn't ready yet!!!

- Ah, get it! - Ow! Ow!

Okay! Thank you! Charlotte!

C'MON, IT'S GOT TO BE DEAD BY NOW!!!

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime. Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

[ on screen ] - Oh, come on, honey.

- Will you turn that off?!?

- But I'm watching "Kevin Can James".

- Well where is Henry?!?

- I'm right here.

- Ulch, it's about time!

- Hey turn that off.

- But this is the episode where

Kevin is finally gonna James!

- Okay what? - I need your help.

- Uh...no.

- You don't even know what I want you to do!

- Well I have a job here, okay Piper?

You know, I'm working.

- Really?!?

'Cuz every time I come here to see you,

you're never in this store,

so what exactly do you really do around here?

- Well... I sometimes work...

in the back... in the garden.

- There's a garden in the back?

- Yeah...k it's a rear...

it's a rear garden.

So...

Rear garden.

- Whatever, you gotta help me.

- With what? - Get a boyfriend!

- Gross.

- It's not gross, it's gonna be magical!

- Okay look Piper, I don't know how to get you a boyfriend

- I know!

You don't know how to do anything!

That's why I have it all planned out.

- Ooo! What's the plan?

- Okay! There's this new boy in my school, right?

And his name is Jackson Bartell.

- Whoa, great name.

- Can I go back to my rear garden please?

- No! Listen...

every day, after school,

Jackson goes to that coffee shop on Pinehurst.

- Oh, uh.. Downtown Brown?

- Yeah. - Y'know, they have great wifi.

- I know that.

- So, this uh, Jackson guy...

does he like you?

- No! cuz he's never met me!

- You said he goes to your school.

- He's new!!! I told ya that!

- C'mon, the plan, the plan!

- Yeah, what's your big plan?

- Okay, the plan is,

we create the perfect meet cute.

- Ah, yes, yes, a meet cute!

- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-wait. what is a "meet cute?"

- It's like in a movie, when the main guy

and the main girl meet in some cute, funny way,

and then later in the movie they fall in love.

- Yeah! Sooo, what I need now

is a meet cute with Jackson Bartell!

- I don't know anything about meet cutes, so...

- I know!

That's why I made an animatic,

to explain my plan!

- You made an animatic?!? - Let's see it!

- Okay, and...

- Whoa, you animated Downtown Brown.

- Shhhh! Watch.

Now, see that kid, sitting at the table,

doing his homework?

- Yea. - That's Jackson.

- Ahhh! I knew it!

I knew when I saw his name flashing.

- And that's me, coming in the door there.

- Okaaay... - Right...

- And Henry, that's you, over there in the corner.

- Why is my hair brown and curly?

- 'Cuz I animated it brown and curly.

- But why?

- I guess I've never really liked your hair,

so I tried something new.

- But I like my h--

- Can I please get on with my plan?

- Yeah, all right.

- I like your hair.

- See, as I walk past Jackson's table,

you come running at me like a crazy person,

and you yell... GIMME THAT PHONE!

And then you grab my phone, right outta my hand!

- K... - Wow.

- And then, when you have it, I yell...

AH! THAT JERK JUST STOLE MY PHONE!

at which point, Jackson will jump up and yell...

HEY HEY WHOAH MAN.

And then he will tackle you...

rescue my phone, and give it back to me.

And that's it! Questions?

- Yes, when did you learn how to make animatics?

- That's not the point!!! Will you help me?!?

- C'mon, even if I say yeah,

how do you know Jackson's gonna do all that?

I mean, how do you know he's gonna do anything to help you?

- Love Maybe! - What?

- Yes!!!

That's Jackson's favorite movie, Love Maybe!

- Such a good film.

- Okay wait, what did I miss here?

- [ sighs ]

In the movie, Love Maybe,

this is exactly how the girl and guy meet!

- So...

Some dude tries to steal Emma Stone's phone,

but Channing Tatum tackles the dude,

gets Emma's phone back,

and then they fall in love on a green boat.

- But there's was no boat in Piper's animatic.

- Forget about the boat! Okay?

You let me worry about the boat.

- I'm just sayin'-- - Can we please go

so we can have our meet cute! - Noooo!

- No?!? - Why no?!?

- Because, I'm working, okay working, working...

I gotta separate these nuts and bolts...

and I have to leave for New York tomorrow

so I don't have time for your meet-cuting! I'm sorry.

- Oh c'mon, you can't take a half an hour

to help your sweet sister?

- My sweet sis- My sweet sister?

When I was nine years old you pushed me down the stairs!

- I am sweet as a bee. - No you're not.

- She still tells me that I'm nice.

- Oh, she does. - Yeah, she does.

- Ulch.

How long has he been up there?

- About five minutes.

- Well it feels like six.

[ both arguing ]

- All right, I've had enough a'this.

Charlotte, will you pick up that popcorn I dropped?

- Nah, Schwoz'll just eat it off the floor.

- Family helps family!

- I'm not gonna get involved in your little schemes, Piper!

I'm not gonna help you.

- I know Jasper is low voltage-- - I have my own ambitions.

- But I think he can watch-- - I have my own dreams.

- All right, all right, that's enough,

knock it off, c'mon, I mean it.

I don't wanna hear any more arguing in this junk store.

- Fine. - You're not the boss of me.

- That is true.

But I am the boss of your brother, Henry,

and since you're directly related to Henry

via the transitive property, ex post facto,

as long as you're standing in this commercial property,

vis-à-vis, I am, in fact, somewhat..

the boss of you.

- What?!?

- Piper, you're creating a disturbance in my workplace!

- Oh please,

I've never seen anybody "work" in this place!

- Okay. Well..

- Look at Jasper...

just sittin' there, doin' nothin'

but stuffin' his face fulla popcorn!

- Piper, go!

- Hey! You're his boss...

- Dang right.

- Then tell him that when a guy's nice little sister

needs help to make a meet-cute happen,

her nice brother should say yes

and do his best to make her dreams come true!!!

- Yeah man, what's wrong with you?

- What?!?

- She needs a favor man, she's your family,

man, she's your sister.

- I-I get that but--

- Do you have any idea what I'd give

to have my sister back?!?

But I never will...

all because of a dark, rainy Wednesday in Kansas...

and that terrible, awful farm accident.

- Oh my god, seriously?

- No. But it happens.

So, maybe you should appreciate having a sister

who's still here, and breathing

and not under a dirty tractor wheel in Kansas!

- Okay, what planet have I landed on?!?

- Y'know, you've spent more time whining

about why you won't help me,

when if you had helped me we'd be done by now

and I'd have a boyfriend named Jackson!

- Look Piper, I want to help you but--

- Kid, go help her. - I have to pack for my New York

- That's an order.

- I'm on my lunch break man.

- Piper, c'mon, let's go.

- Oh yay! This is gonna be so great!

- Oh yeah so great.

- Hey, no eating on the job.

- I'm on my lunch break.

- There... over there, see him?

The cute boy in the blue jacket?

- Yeah, I see him.

- Isn't he cute?!?

- I have no opinion on that.

- Well trust me, he's super cute.

- Alright. Cool.

Okay. Boy. Blue Jacket. Super cute.

Now can we please get this over with?

- Yeah hang on, wait...

- What is that? - Giving you a disguise--

just hold still and be quiet!

- What!?! Wh--why is this necessary?!?

- 'Cuz! When Jackson becomes my boyfriend,

he's gonna meet you some day,

and I don't want him to think

my own brother tried to jack my phone!

- Alright well.. But what about--

yeah okay, that makes sense.

- We good? - Now bend down.

- Why do I have t-- - 'Cuz I said bend down!

- Yeah Mom, I sent you the flowers.

- You did? Why?

- Ah, no reason.

- Oh c'mon, whats the reason?

- Just 'cuz you're my mom.

- Oh my god.. You're perfect!

- Okay, okay, you look good.

- Yeah I dunno 'bout this.

- You remember the animatic?

- Yeah, how'd you make that?

- I'll tell you later!

Just go hide, and get ready! Go!

No way! Your mom got a new car!

Does it have a sunroof? It does?

Oh my gosh, when you open it,

can you see the sky? You can?!?

- Hey! Gimme your phone!

- Whaaaaa?!?

No! Oh my gosh, HELP!

- Haaa! - That jerk just stole my phone!

- Hey whoa man! Just give her back her--

- WHAT THE BUTT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN'?!?

- OH MY GOD!!!

- Here's your phone, kid.

- Great, thanks so much.

- This was not covered in the animatic.

[ on screen ] - Oh come on.

There's no way Kevin can James.

- Yes he can! He's Kevin!

- If anyone can James, it's him!

[ laughing ]

- C'mon Kevin!

Show 'em how to James!

- Uh, you wanna help me?

- Why? Did you help me?

No. You ruined my meet-cute!

- Oh my gosh, Henry, what happened?!?

- Hen, are you okay?!?

- No! I'm not.

- All right, tell us what went down.

- Oh I'll tell ya what went down!

My body! Down!

Through a table!

Onto the floor!

- What's this green stuff?

- Probably avocado. For toast.

- Sooo, Piper's animatic didn't work in real life?

- It woulda worked!

If Henry had done his part right!

- Well what was I supposed to do?!?

I ran across the room!

I grabbed your phone! I said my line!

But before Jackson could run in,

some powerful woman grabbed me,

and hurled me across the room!

Geez!

- Well, why'd you let her throw you across the room?

- She didn't offer me another option, Charlotte.

- Whatever, just get cleaned up so that we can

go back to Downtown Brown and try again.

- Are you insane?!? I'm not trying again.

- We have to try again!

- Nah, I dough not either, no I dough not!

- You said dough.

- I meant do,

everybody here knows I meant do!

- I have a question.

Why's it so important for you to have this "meet-cute"?

- Huh?

- Why can't ya just go over to Downtown Brown,

walk up to this uh... this uh boy you like..

- Jackson Bartell.

- Okay him...

and just say, "Hi Jackson, my name is uh..."

- Piper! - Piper, my name is Piper...

and I really like you...

soooo what do you think a'that?"

- Oh Ray, come on.

- That would never work in the real world!

Except maybe for old people!

- Hey, I am not old!

- Oh please, what are you, like thirty?

- No I am n--

Yeah. Yeah, I am like, thirty.

- Whatever. Just tell Henry that he has to help me--

and I need you guys to help me think of a new meet-cute plan!

- Noooo! - Yes!

- Look Paper, I know that you're like seven

and you think you know everything...

- I'm Piper and I'm twelve!

- Be that as it may...

I'm gonna show you that young love

can begin with something as simple as a,

good old fashioned "Nice to meetcha, howdaya do."

- Yeah, try that.

- C'mon, let's go. - No!

I'm not going 'til we come up

with another meet-cute plan,

and then I have to make an animatic of it!

- When did you learn how to make animatics?!?

- That's not the point!

Look we're going to do this my way, so that I--

- Alright...

I'm gonna carry her over to Downtown Brown.

- Good, take your time.

- Wh...what's... what's going on?

- Ahhh, look who's waking up.

- H-H-how'd I get back here?

- Look, life's not about how we get places.

It's about what happens at those places,

after we've gotten there. Here.

- Huh?

- So, where's this allegedly "cute boy"

you wanna meet so bad?

- Oh...he's um..

He's right over there!

In the cool blue jacket!

- Okay, so I'm gonna stay right here,

and I want you to walk right over to that boy

and say, "Hi. My name is Paper Hart,

and I would like to introduce myself to you

so that we can be--" - AHHHHHH!!!

There's a big bug on the coffee bean display!

- Oh my god it's a scorpion!

- All right everybody, lets just calm down okay!

You know uh..

I used to be a better than average tennis player,

back in my day. Ya mind?

All right, Mister Scorpion...

don't take this personally, but,

game, set, and SMASH!

- What was that?

- Jackson! Quick!

Somebody call an ambulance!!!

- Why don't you get a better tennis racket, guy?!?

[ sirens ]

- All right, let's get him out from under that coffee thing!

- You guys see what happened?

- Yeah, there was a big scorp--

- Uhhh, I'm the adult.

So uh, apparently,

that poorly constructed display case

just fell off the wall, for no reason

that anyone can prove.

- Listen, Popper...

I know you're sad, and...

I'm sorry that you didn't get to have the "meet-cute"

that you wanted.

- Yeah, yeah.

uh, you think that lady paramedic

is about the same height as me?

- Yeah? So?

- Uh, 'scuze me...

can I show you something, behind that door over there?

- Uh...yeah okay.

Wh..wha--hey, what are you doing?

- Just don't resist.

- Wh..Wha, hey that's my paramedic uniform!

- That's right.

- Wh... what happened to me?

- Wellll uhh...

you sustained some minor injuries,

but luckily we paramedics showed up,

and you're gonna be okay.

- Y... You're a paramedic?

- Uh-huh. Yeah. Totally.

- But...you look, like you're my age.

- Yeah...Well, um...

I'm in, I'm in the Junior Paramedics Program. So..

- Ohhh. Cool.

- Thanks.

Hey, you don't happen to go

to Swellview Junior High, do ya?

- Yeah, I just started there.

- No way, I go there, too.

I'm Piper Hart.

- Jackson Bartell.

Hey uh,

we should like maybe, hang out sometime.

- Suuure... I could hang.

- [ sighs ] Wow...

this is a pretty crazy way for us to meet.

- I know. Isn't it cute?

[ oven bell ] - Mmm.