01x08 - Physician, Heal Thyself

[bunniefuu]

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]

Up yours, Mr. Music.
I'm not givin' ya a dime.

Do you believe that guy?

He plays "Stairway to Heaven"
on a kazoo,

expects people
to throw money at him.

Jackass.

Mornin', sunshine.

The usual coffee
and a muffin?

Or would you rather just
chew someone's head off?

Hey, I've earned
the right to bitch.

You know, a window
in my apartment's stuck open.

I can't get my super to fix it.
You know, I don't get it.

The guy can lash a dozen
coconuts into a raft,

paddle his way to freedom,

but apparently,
now it's too much effort

to ride the elevator up to 3B
and un-jam my window.

It's like a meat locker
up there.

It really stiffens up my back.

And what do you do for that?

I bungee jump.

It fixes it right up.

Fine. Not my problem.

Okay, Jake,
let's get back to this.

Okay.

Oh, here's an apartment
for you.

"Two bedroom,
wood floors, nice view."

Well, a view's
kind of a waste.

No, it's not.

A little wine,
a little Miles Davis and me

and a date looking out
at the city lights.

Then I segue
into the soulful blind guy:

"You know, baby, what I miss
most isn't the daytime.

It's the night."

They don't make
a better aphrodisiac.

Women actually fall for that?

They fall quickly and often.

Just look for your own
apartment.

Oh, here you go, Jake.

Here's someplace
for you to live.

"Brand-new complex
just outside the city."

Listen to this:

"Spacious accommodations,
weight rooms, tennis courts."

Oh, my mistake. Wait, it's--
It's a prison. Well...

You know, that's good

'cause I hate it
when convicts get paroled

and their backhands
still need work.

And I suppose you think
they should just be crammed

into overcrowded hellholes.

Becker,
it's a known fact

that treating prisoners humanely
has made crime go down.

Oh, let me get my doctor bag
and treat your bleeding heart.

You know, for your information,
crime is not down.

Oh, of course it is.

You read about it
every day in the paper.

What's your problem?

Can't you admit
when you're wrong?

Becker?

Hey, hey, shut up,
will ya?

For your information,
when I'm wrong,

I freely admit it.

My first two marriages,
dead wrong.

Another time
I thought I was wrong,

turns out I wasn't.

So I was wrong
about that.

Now, I'd love to stay
and set you straight,

but I gotta
go heal the sick.

Do you really heal the sick

or do you just
harangue the disease

out of the person
like an exorcism?

No, as a matter of fact,

I treat the disease
with kindness and understanding

so that it can
come back into society

and lead
a productive life

robbing convenience stores
for drug money.

Have a nice day.

Oh, I hate it
when he's like that.

What, smug?

No, breathing.

Come on, Margaret,
dump your stiff of a husband

and run away with me.

I hear offers,
but I don't see gifts.

Here you go.
To my favorite occupant.

You expect me to dump
my husband for toothpaste?

Where are the big-ticket items?

Fabric softeners,
breakfast cereals?

I can be had,

but I cannot be had cheap.

Just knowing you can be had
is enough for me.

[ giggling ]

Hey, Archie,
Veronica,

it's a doctor's office,
not the malt shop.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Goodbye, Margaret.

[ giggling ]

Does Louis know
about Ed?

Oh, grow up.

Mike Delaney is in 2.

BECKER:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have never been
as disappointed

with another person
in all my life.

What are you
talkin' about?

You and Ed.

You're all over each other.

And you a married woman
and Ed a married mailman.

Oh, that is nothing.

It's just a little game
that we play.

If there is
one thing I know,

it's when there's
sexual tension in the air.

That, and when
someone's cooking bacon.

I can smell that
a mile away.

But that's not
the point.

The point is, you're always
trying to tell me

about right and wrong.

And all I can say
is this is wrong.

Linda, there is nothing--

Ah-uh, ah-uh, uh.

Wrong.

You know, a lot of times,
migraines are caused by stress.

Anything unusual going on
in your life, Mike?

No, nothing.

Like yesterday,
I worked my normal shift,

busted a few bad guys,
went home,

played horsy with the kids,
ate dinner,

played horsy with the wife.

About an hour later,
you know, "boom,"

it's like my head
is gonna explode.

Well, there are a lot of things
we can do for it.

Uh, a new drug
called Imitrex out there

they're having a lot
of success with.

Let-- Let me ask you
something, though.

You're-- You're a cop,

you probably know
the answer to this.

Is crime down?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Damn, damn.

I mean, uh-- I mean
how great for-- For everybody.

[ clears throat ]

I mean, not all of us.

It gets much lower,
they start laying off cops.

Yeah. Oh, wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.
So y--

You're saying
that if the crime rate

were significantly down,
they--

They would be
laying off cops.

It's not that simple.

So conversely,
if no cops are being laid off,

then the crime rate
isn't really lower.

Are you trying to give me
a headache?

No, no, no.

I'm just trying to get
my facts straight, here.

So crime really
isn't down?

It's gonna go up if I don't
get that prescription.

Oh, oh.
Yeah, sorry.

Uh, let me just...
Ugh, damn it.

Just give me a minute,
here, Mike.

So crime is up.
That's great, that's great.

Margaret, we've run out
of prescription pads again.

If you'd spend less time
hitting on the mailman--

Just stop it
right there.

Ed is just a friend,
that's all.

And you're the one
who locked the pads in your desk

so the junkies would stop
breaking in and stealing them.

I swear, every time
your back goes out,

you go storming around here
barking orders

like some hemorrhoidal
drill sergeant.

So why don't you just

do us all a big favor
and get some help?

Hey...

What's her problem?

She's upset.

I just had to give her
a little talking-to.

Uh, excuse me,
I was told

I could find
a Jake Malinak here.

He's a visually challenged
African-American gentleman.

If that means he's
a blind black guy, that's me.

Thank you.

Mr. Malinak,
I'm Francine Klein

from Progressive
Real Estate.

I'm gonna shake your hand now.

Knock yourself out.

[ chuckles ]

Here is my card.

Oh, look at this,
business cards in Braille.

I'm-- I'm impressed.

Well, I work with many
differently-abled people.

I'm gonna take your arm now.

[ chuckling ]

Okay.

I must say, you seem very
comfortable with your blindness.

You do what you have to.

And most people
are very nice.

Hey, Jake, knocking off early,
aren't you?

What is it,
Ray Charles' birthday?

And then again,
some aren't.

Hey, Reg, cup of coffee
to go, please.

You got it.
So, what's up?

Not crime.

Excuse me?

I've got proof, Becker.

Stats, graphs, pie charts

right over
from the DA's office.

"Over the last five years,
crime has dropped 48 percent."

See? You were wrong.

And not just
a little wrong.

You're all wrong.

You're like
a wrong-a-holic.

Look, I get my information
from the cop on the street.

This is from the DA's office.

What do you expect 'em to say,
crime is up?

It'll make 'em look bad.

What is your problem?

Can't you ever admit
you're wrong?

Is your ego
that fragile?

You know somethin', Reg?

Doing the quiz in Cosmo does not
make you a psychologist.

Now, as I'm the only one here
with a medical background,

I gotta say that you
seem a little obsessed,

as if diminishing me
would somehow elevate you.

Now, I'd look into that
if I were you.

Hey, get back here.

You're not getting
the last word on this.

Whatever.

Oh, v*olence.

Crime is definitely up.

[ phone ringing ]

I'm coming,
I'm coming.

Hello?

No, this is not
the su1c1de Hotline.

What's your problem, man?

Can't you even dial a phone?

Oh, God, what have I--?

Hello, hello, I'm sorry.

[ loud traditional
Indian music playing ]

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not listening
to this.

Oh, damn super.

He still hasn't
fixed the window.

[ grunting ]

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

[ moaning ]

[ ringing ]

Hello?

Oh, John, what's wrong?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I would help you,
but it's Friday night.

It would take me hours
to get up to the Bronx.

What do you mean,
what else am I doing?

I am home with my husband Louis.

I don't care what
you and Linda say,

there is nothing going on
between me and Ed, the mailman.

Believe me,
I have all the romance I need

right here at home.

[ Louis gurgling ]

[ moans ]

[ ringing ]

Hello?

Hey, John, what's going on?

You okay?

Oh, I would if I could,
but I'm feeling really sick.

I've been in bed all afternoon.

Yeah, thanks for understanding.

All right, sorry.

Honey, I'm a bad man.

[ giggles ]

Oh, man.

Yeah, in the Bronx, please.

I want the number
for a Reggie Kostas.

Actually, I don't want it,
but I'm afraid I need it.

So you've been lying
on the floor of your apartment

with the door open and you
still haven't been robbed.

That fact alone should
convince you that crime is down.

You've got a real mean streak,
you know that?

Nice place.
I'm impressed.

I always figured
you lived below ground.

I was so afraid
you wouldn't like it.

You know, just give me
a hand here, will ya?

In a minute.
You're not going anywhere.

It's freezing in here.

Yeah, well,
the window's stuck.

I'm waiting.

Hey, you're actually smiling
in this picture.

Who's the woman? She's pretty.

My ex-wife.

Where is she now?

A house fell on her sister.

I haven't seen her since.

Come on, just help me up here,
will you, please?

Oh, all right.

Put me down!
Put me down!

[ moaning ]

You know something,
you missed your calling.

You should be working
in a women's prison.

All right, all right,
let's try this again.

Just easy, easy this time.

Well, faster than this.

Now put me on the couch.

Put me on the couch, put--

[ groans ]

Thank you.

Anything else?

Just get me some Darvon
from above the sink,

will ya, please?

Interesting.

What do you keep
in your bookshelves, soup?

Quit snooping around.
Just bring the pill, please.

So I assume you've been
to a doctor about this?

A doctor. Gee,
why didn't I think of that?

Yes, I've been to doctors.

Have you ever considered
any alternative medicine?

Oh, that's just what I need,

some fairy dust from some
New Age chicken spanker.

How can you be
such a skeptic?

I have to be a skeptic.

I-I can't tell a patient
to go get a Fruit Loop colonic

and everything will be fine.

You know, who comes up

with these wack job
treatments anyway?

You don't believe in
that voodoo stuff, do ya?

As a matter of fact, I go to
an acupuncturist for neck pain.

It works wonders.

Oh, yeah, well,
it may work for your neck,

but this-- This back thing
of mine is chronic, you know.

It's gonna have to
work itself out.

Who super-glued the top on?

Every time you need
a pill like this,

they make the bottle
impossible to open.

Where do you get
all the anger?

Do you have an extra
bile duct or something?

Just give it to me.

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you. Oh.
Oh.

No, I got it.

Uh.
Ow!

Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?
No.

What should I do?

I don't know.

I could call my acupuncturist.

I'd rather die first.

What was that?

Okay.

Don't help me.
Don't help me.

I'm fine.

Oh, look at this.

Lanterns, incense,
beaded curtains.

The only thing missing
are ducks hanging in the window.

Help me. Help me.

Oh, perfect.
Look at that, will ya?

Hello, Reggie.

Hi. Thank you so much
for seeing us.

Dr. Becker, Dr. Chang.

Dr. Chang,
your worst nightmare.

So, what seems
to be the problem?

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

I want you to know that I've
read a lot about acupuncture.

I know for a fact there's no
conclusive proof that it works.

Okay, then, good night.

Ho-- Ho-- Ho-- Whoa.

Where you going?

Dr. Becker,

if you don't believe
acupuncture works,

it won't work.

Oh, don't go
all inscrutable on me.

REGGIE:
Very nice.

Can't you stop being yourself
for five minutes?

Fine, fine, fine.

Help me, will ya?

It's the, uh,
sciatic nerve, you know.

Ahem. A little inflammation
of the meniscus.

Interesting.

Particularly since the meniscus
is in your knee.

Now, if the anatomy quiz
is over,

perhaps we can get on
with the treatment.

No, no, hold--
H-hold on a second.

I see a lot of paper fans
on the wall,

but I don't see
any degrees.

Premed Cornell.
Johns Hopkins Med School.

Five years
at Beijing University.

Oh, really?
Well, I went to Harvard.

I taught at Harvard.

Great, now, if you two
are done measuring,

can we get
to the needles?

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Treatment rooms
are this way.

[ quietly ]:
Yeah.

What are you waiting for?
Follow him.

Help me.

Well, faster than this.

Ow. Ow.

Hi, Margaret,
how are you today?

Hi, Ed.

Gee, your husband
is a fine-lookin' man.

Such trusting eyes.

Oh, will you stop it?

Hey, Margaret,
got a surprise for ya.

Raisin Bran.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

Is anything wrong?

No, just busy.

Oh.

Well, goodbye.

Ed, wait.

Sure, what is it?

Ed, when we, you know, uh,

kid around with each other,

it is just
kidding around, right?

Well, of course,
I mean, the-- The gifts,

the way we talk,
that's just--

You didn't think
it was something else?

Oh, no, no, I didn't.

I was just afraid
maybe you did.

Oh, not me.

I just thought
we were having fun.

I love my wife.
Well, not always, but--

Well, I--

I love my husband
most of the time.

Well, where did you
get the idea

that what was
going on between us

was "going on" between us?

Oh, it's not important.

Ed, I'm sorry.

I'm not. 'Cause that means
that someone actually thought

that we were fooling around.

How cool is that?

Oh. Very cool.

Hey, Margaret, I'm gonna
step out for a second.

I'll be right back.
Okay.

Ooh.
That's all right,
I got it.

Oh! Your back seems to be
a lot better.

What did you do for it?

Acupuncture.

Really? You think
all that stuff is garbage.

I do. I mean, I did.

I mean... You know, I'll--
I'll see you later.

So, Margaret,
you say his back is fine?

Acupuncture, really?

That's very good to know.

Thank you.

Reg?

Reg?

[ pops lips ]

How you doing, Jake?

All right.

Uh, listen,

about the other night,

I'm really sorry
I couldn't be there for you.

Oh, that's all right.
That's all right.

E-everything worked out.

Hey, did y--
Did you find an apartment?

No, but I found a realtor
I'm very happy with.

Hey, Becker.

Thought I smelled you
out here.

So how's your back?

Oh, well, you know, it's not
that much better, really.

Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you know.

And I really thought
the acupuncture would help.

Well, don't b*at yourself up.

Your heart
was in the right place.

Thanks for helping me,
though, Reg.

Hey, I'd have been there
for you, man.

I-- I just had a cold.

I know that, man.
That's all right.

You know, I really admire
your dedication, Becker.

You know,
feeling the way you do

and putting in a full day
at the office.

Yeah, well, when you're
a doctor, you take an oath.

Promise to help people.
Their pain comes first.

Okay, John, I lied.

All right, I wasn't sick.

I just didn't wanna
come and help you.

What? You're my friend
and you lied to me?

I was in bed
with the real estate lady.

Oh. Well, that's different.

No problem, man.

Uh, see you later.
See you later.

Oh, by the way, Becker,

I called your office,
you know, to see how you were,

and Margaret told me
that the acupuncture worked,

and that your back was fine.

She did?

Oh.

Well, uh, you know
something?

She's right.
It is feeling a little better.

Maybe now you'd like
to tell me you're wrong.

Boy, you just can't
let it go, can ya?

Yeah, I-I feel sorry for you,
Reg, I really do.

W-- Is it that important to you
to hear me say those words,

even though you know
I'd be doing it

just to get you off my back?

I mean, would that kind
of hollow victory

mean that much to ya?

Yes. Yes, it would.

Sorry, can't help ya.

And crime's up.

What I wouldn't give
to hear a screech

and a thump
right about now.

[ tires screech ]

BECKER:
You missed me, ya bastard.

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]