01x23 - Gorytelling/A Few Good Monsters

[bunniefuu]

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING]

[RAP b*at PLAYING]

[HARD ROCK PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪

[BATS SQUEAKING]

[SCREAMING]

Hotel Transylvania.
Mavis speaking.

[DRACULA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PHONE]
Gah! Dad?

Uh-huh, uh-huh?

He's here
right now,

writing a book
about the hotel?

Holy rabies!
Ah, come on, Dad.

Of course I won't
embarrass the hotel.

Whoops. Got to go.
New arrivals. Bye.

Ooh, this is so cool.

Cornelius Shivers is writing
a book about the 13 Wonders
of the Monster World,

and Hotel Transylvania
is on the list.

[GASPING] The 13 Wonders
of the Monster World?

Like the Screaming Tower
of Moldy Pizza.

[SCREAMING]

Mmm-mmm.
I love that gooey tower.

I just didn't
want to be left out.

Hmm. If I can get him
to write about how good I am
at running the hotel,

it might convince
my dad to let me
do it for real.

But that's not what
the book is about.

Not yet it isn't.
[GASPING]

So, just to be clear,
is there pizza or not?

You, more cobwebs
in the corner.

Oh, gosh.

You, take those snakes
back to the snake pit.

Gah!

You, put some elbow grease
into that desk.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

[GASPING]

Cornelius Shivers
is my favorite writer
in the underworld.

I have all his books.

[CLUCKING]

He'll obviously do a great job
writing about the hotel.

However, instead of writing
about baby brother's hotel,

I have a new subject
for him,

the most feared and reviled
vampire in history.

[CLUCKING]

Who?

Me!

[CLUCKING]
Oh.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Cornelius Shivers
writing a book
is the perfect chance

to remind everyone
that I'm a Dracula, too.

Everyone always
forgets Klaus.

There's no way Cornelius
will be writing about Klaus.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah.

It's pretty clear who the book
will be about, right?

I'm still here.

Why does everybody keep
forgetting about me?

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

[GASPING]

Um, Uncle Gene,
why are you hiding?

And doing such a
horrible job of it.

I don't want Shivers
to write about me.

I can't have anyone knowing
I'm here at the hotel.

I've made a lot of enemies
in my afterlife.

MONSTER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

DR. GILLMAN:
Gene?

Gene, how's the new appendix
working out?

[IN LAME SWEDISH ACCENT]
No, you're mistaken.

I'm not, uh, Gene.

I am a werewolf.

Magnus.
[IMITATING WOLF HOWLING]

[HOWLING]

How could you have
a howler-shop quartet
without telling me?

[HOWLING]
[HOWLING]

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Time to show Cornelius Shivers

who the true boss
of Hotel Transylvania is.

[WHISPERING]
Please say it's me. Please say
it's me. Please say it's me.

Gavin, this luggage needs
to be taken to Room 1337.

It's super fragile,
so be careful with it.
[GASPS]

[SNARLING]

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

[GIGGLING NERVOUSLY]
Totally normal.

How did the Cerberus
get out?

I don't know.

[GIGGLING]

Aunt Lydia.

No. It was me, Klaus!

Why does everybody
always forget about me?

Yo! Yo, Hank! Go long.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

[YELLING]

[THUDDING]

[GIGGLING]

Time for Cornelius to capture
the full weight
of my wickedness.

Oh.

[ROARING]
[SCREAMING]

[COUGHING]

Aha!
Aunt Lydia,

you saved Pedro from choking
on this chicken bone.

What a really nice
thing to do.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Nice? Me?

Pedro wasn't really choking.

I've been carrying
this around all day.

I knew Aunt Lydia
would hate being caught
doing a nice thing.

[CLUCKING]
Norm?

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

AUNT LYDIA: It shouldn't be
this hard to be wicked!

Okay, Klaus,
you're on.

KLAUS: It's Klau-sss!

♪ Looky here, over here

♪ I'm right here, it's Klaus

♪ Coming straight at you
from the Dracula house

♪ No doubt you've heard
of our famous

♪ Vampire crew

♪ But don't forget that
I'm a Dracula, too ♪

Huh?

Wait. There's nobody here.

Where's Shivers?
You guys said this would work!

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]
[AUNT LYDIA AND MAVIS
GRUNTING]

And just what
are you doing here?

Same thing as you,
obviously.

I'm listening to him
write about me.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, clearly he is writing
about my evilness.

[GROWLING]
[GROWLING]

[CLACKING STOPS]

He stopped.
What could that mean?

Stopping?
Stopping is not good.
How could he be done so soon?

We've got to know
what's in that book.

For once, I agree with you.

AUNT LYDIA: Grab the book
and meet me at Gene's.

Got it.

I will not be a bit player
in this story!

Dude, just accept that
you're the weird cousin

who shows up four to six times
a year and be happy.

Never!

Okay. I borrowed Shivers'
manuscript while he was out.

Now we can see
just who he's writing about.

"Excellent work"
is what I would say
if it was my idea.

"Hotel Transylvania
is one of

"the 13 Blunders
of the Monster World."

"With Count Dracula away,
the hotel is being ruined

"by his selfish
and dysfunctional family,

"who care more about their own
appearances than the guests.

"They are the worst."

Not sure I want to be
in this anymore.

He was only supposed
to write about the history
of the hotel,

but we went and made it
about ourselves.

This book could ruin us.

Cornelius Shivers
is my favorite writer.

I can't believe I have to
squash him like a bug now.

You can't just squash
a cockroach. It comes back.

And back, and back.

And then
it comes back.

I know.
And back.

We just have to show Shivers

that the hotel
is in good hands...

And back.

...by inviting him to our
regular Fright Day
Family Dinner

that I just made up.

And then?
Yes!

What a great idea
I just had.

It comes back,
and back again.

Oh, thank you, Draculas,
and, um, Magnus,

for inviting me to
your family dinner.

Well, we, um, heard a rumor
you were in the neighborhood

and thought
you might be hungry.

Nothing better than a meal
with your loving family.

Am I right?

[GULPS]

Sewer water from 1820.

That was
a truly disgusting year.

Wow.

[GARGLING]

Ahh. That is vile stuff.
I love it.

I knew you'd like it.

At least someone here
knows how to take care
of our guests.

Right, Mavis?

Oh, you know it,
Aunt Lydia.

[SNEEZING]

[SCREAMING]
Get it off me!

Get that off me.

Get it off me!

Uh-oh. Uh, so, Klaus,
have you written
any new songs lately?

I'm sorry, everyone.

Oh, yes.

I've got a really great one.
It's about me. [GIGGLES]

Let me just tune up
the old spookalele.

It only takes
about 20 minutes.

[SNEEZING]

I will devour your soul!

[WHIMPERING]

Maybe I should go.

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

[AUNT LYDIA SCREAMING]

Ah, that's better.

Where am I?

Just enjoying another
family dinner together.

Well, I know
what's going on here.

You do?

[SHIVERS LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

This was all just one big
Dracula family prank.

Your dad put you up to this,
didn't he?

A prank.

Totally.
[GIGGLING]

Oh, busted. You got us.

But it wasn't a...
Ow!

I should've known
it couldn't be that bad here.

Ah, well, how would this place
even function?

[LAUGHING]

Looks like Hotel Transylvania
is in good hands after all.

Now, I got to go
rewrite my book.

Oh, hey, Gene.

UNCLE GENE: Gah!

[SNARLING]

[GASPING]

Come on, come on.
Open it already.

We want to see
the book.
[STRAINING]

I'm trying.

I can't help that
I have such dainty fingers.

Uh, why is Uncle Gene
on the cover?

And why is it called
Hotel Transylvania:
Home to Gene Dracula,

Who Lives There in Case You
Were Ever Looking for Him,

and the Many,
Many Video Games

He Borrowed from You
and Never, Ever Returned?

Catchy title.

This is just directions
on how to find Gene.

I knew I should have squashed
that cockroach.

Hey, but at least
it's not about us
ruining the hotel, right?

So, what'd I miss?

[WHIMPERING]

[MOB SHOUTING]

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Look.
Wow.

Whoa. Cool.

[CLUCKING]

Hey, what's that about?

That is about
finally convincing

the esteemed Vampire Council

to allow us to display the
coffin of Lycidias Dracula.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Wow. Really?

Who cares where
some dusty old vampire slept?

Our patriarch spent each day
of his 7,000 years in there.

It is our most cherished
artifact,

so perhaps you should care.

[GULPING]

An all-day, hotel-wide
curfew will be in effect

during the coffin's time
here for added security.

ALL: Aw!

In the meantime,

I do not want you kids
anywhere near this.

[GASPING]

[YAWNING]

[FLATULENCE SOUNDING]

Hey, what's up, everybody?

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

What was that?

It wasn't us, honest.

Honest? Unlikely.
We will find the culprit.

A crime of such magnitude
carries

a most severe
punishment.

The guilty party
will be exiled to a cave
for 7,000 years,

just like Lycidias.

Ooh.

That is a good punishment.

But how will you know
who to punish

when nobody saw what happened?

[GAVEL POUNDING]

Welcome to court, everybody.
Mavis?

SPECTATOR: [WHISPERING]
Oh, they did it.
She's so guilty.

Do you kids
have anyone to represent you?

I...
[DOOR OPENS ANS CLOSES]

Frank N. Stein
for the defense,
Your Horror.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Aw, Dad, I thought you were
going to call a lawyer.

I did you one better,
kid.

Now, I may not be
some big-city attorney,

but what I am is pieces
of big-city attorneys,

sewn together
and re-animated.

And that's enough.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Please, Hank.

Just tell us where you were
when the coffin broke.

I would really rather not.

[ROARING]

All right.

I was in the Hall of Draculas
training Cerberus

for the Pest-Pincers
Kennel Club
Dog Monster Show.

[GASPING]

The Hall of Draculas
is the only space
with the right dimensions.

The coffin
was still in one piece

when I took Cerby
to the kitchen for a treat.

I didn't get a good look
since we had to hide,

but a shadowy monster
was lice-skating
down the hall.

We were sort of freaked out
after that.

So, I put Cerberus
back in her pen...

[THUDDING]

...and that's when
I heard the crash.

You took a wild dog monster
into our most sacred room,

destroyed
a priceless artifact,

then created a shadowy monster
to cover it up?

Nothing further!

[SNORING]

Uncle Frank, you have to
cross-examine the witness.

Yup.
That's him, all right.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Argh!

I didn't do it,

but I'd rather not say
where I was, either.

Ugh.

[ROARING]

Fine. I was pretending
to be you.

[GASPING]

WENDY:
[IMPERSONATING AUNT LYDIA]
Fear me.

I am the evilest vampire ever.

Uh-oh. The sun.

[NORMAL VOICE] But being fake
Mrs. Aunt Lydia
was thirsty work,

so I decided to grab
some goo to rehydrate.

But then I heard
someone coming.

I didn't get a good look
because I was hiding
under the vending machine,

but whoever it was
was dancing a jig.

So, I stayed hidden,
and then I heard the crash.

[THUDDING]

[SCREAMING]

Nice try, Ms. Blob,

but I think we all know
what really happened.

The sun caused the coffin
to flare up like kindling.

You tried to put it out,
but destroyed it instead.

What? But that's not...

Nothing further.

Well?

I know, right?
She totally did it.

And I suppose
you're embarrassed

about where
you were today, too?

Huh. Not at all.

I love rhythmic gymnastics,
and...

Objection!

Clearly this is another story
designed to hide the truth.

The truth?
You can't handle the...

Wait. How'd that go?
Whatever. Kick it.

[CHEESY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[GROWLING]

So, after practice,

I was headed
to the sewer showers,

but I heard something scary
coming from the gym.

I didn't get a great look,
but someone was lifting hard.

I ran to the shower to hide

so I wouldn't get roped into
exercising myself.

[THUDDING]

That's when I heard the crash.

Or,

when your bandage-ribbon
snagged the coffin

and interrupted
your beloved routine,

it made you mad, mad enough
to blow the coffin to bits!

Nothing further.

Just one
last question,

are you available
for parties?

'Cause that ribbon stuff
is awesome.

Now, Mavis, please explain
where you were

while your friends
were all separately
with the coffin,

and yet somehow
never saw each other.

Well,

when I arrived,
Hank was already there.

[GASPING]

So, I just hid
and protected the coffin.

Finally, Hank and Cerby left.

WENDY:
[IMPERSONATING AUNT LYDIA]
I am the evilest vampire ever.

MAVIS:
Then Wendy slid in
looking like you.

Uh-oh. The sun.

Clearly,
this was incredibly awkward,

so I had to stay hidden.

The moment Wendy left,
Pedro burst in.

I wanted see him dance
like no one was watching.

Haunting.

[GASPING]

Also, his bandages snagged
on the coffin 40 or 50 times,

so I thought I better stay
to keep it safe.

When Pedro left,

I thought I could finally
check out the coffin

but then,
I heard someone else coming.

I didn't get a good look
because the keyhole
was blocked,

but somebody snuck
into the Hall of Draculas,

and that's when
I heard the crash.

[THUDDING]

Oh, no.

[ALL SCREAMING]

So, let me get this straight.

We have all of you breaking
curfew and with the coffin

at the time it was destroyed?
Nothing further.

[SIGHING]

Don't worry, kiddo. I've never
lost a case in my afterlife

and I'm not starting today.

I'm switching teams.
You're going down.

Yeah!
Go, Frankie, baby.

Mom...

Fine.

If we're going down,
it's going to be swinging.

Mavis Dracula for the defense,
Your Horror.

[WHIMPERING]

I call Aunt Lydia
to the stand.

[ALL GASPING]

Aha. Desperation
suits you, my dear.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Please describe
what exactly

you were doing in the moments
leading up to the coffin
incident.

Certainly.

As you know,
I have difficulty sleeping,

so I have a very specific
crypt-time routine.

Is that so?
If it pleases the court,

I would like to enter
into evidence

Aunt Lydia's
crypt-time routine.

What?
[JURY GASPING]

Yay! Field trip.

This cannot possibly
be useful.

I'll allow it.

Ugh, fine.

First, I remove the warts.

[MACHINE GRINDING]

Then I replace them
with bigger warts.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Then I drink Dr. Gillman's
special crypt-time tea
and go to sleep.

[SLURPING]

I thought this was...
[YAWNING]
Craft services.

Uh-oh.
[SNORING]

Hmm.

Well, as much fun
as this has been,

we ought to get
back to court.

ALL: Aw!

[SNORING]

Mavis, anything else to say
before we banish you forever?

[FRANK HUMMING]

Dad,

could you at least wait
for the verdict to celebrate
your win?

[GASPING]

Your Horror, the defense calls
Dr. Julian Gillman III.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Dr. Gillman, are there
any known side effects

to your
special tea?

Absolutely not.

In fact, I brought samples
for the entire court.

[CHEERING]

No side effects whatsoever.
[GROANING]

[SNICKERING]

Well, unless, uh,
you count sleep-dancing.

[GASPS] What was that?

You know, sleep-dancing.

When you're asleep
and dancing jigs.

Wait. Look.

Oh, and sleep-coffin-smashing.
I forgot that one.

It's actually
the most common side effect.

We see it in 100% of patients,
give or take.

I've heard enough.

I find the defendants
not guilty.

[CHEERING]

[SNORING]

We did it!
Still undefeated.

Whoo! Yeah.

[GIGGLING]

Thanks for your help,
Uncle Frank.

So, Aunt Lydia,

are you going to hunt down
the real coffin-smasher?

Ah, who cares where some
dusty old vampire slept?

[SLURPING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[SNORING]

[HUMMING]

[SNORING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]