01x04 - Adventures in Vampiresitting/Phlegm Ball

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER BOOMING]

♪

[SCREAMING]

♪

DR. GILLMAN:
Humans! The most dangerous
creatures on Earth!

They mock us!

[GROWLING]

They disembowel us!

They eat us!

[GASPING]

Come on,
humans don't eat us.

You saw the movie, Mavis.
Movies don't lie.

I'm going to
need a volunteer.

How does that
always happen?

Now, young lady...

Huh?

Suppose you have
the terrible,

terrible luck of happening
upon a human teenager...

What do you do?

Well, I guess I'd try...

Booga-booga-booga!

Funny, Hank!
[ALL LAUGHING]

All right!

Yes, but will
booga-booga work

against their
superhuman strength!

You see? Science!

And remember, should you ever
encounter a human, beware.

Beware! Beware!

[VOICE DISTORTED]
Beware! Beware! Beware!

Got a sound board for my...

♪ Birthday

[LAUGHING]

That was scarier than
the time I saw Pedro

putting scream cheese
in his armpits.

[LAUGHING] Yeah,
that was kinda weird...

wait, you saw that?

Relax. You can't
listen to Dr. Gillman.

Humans are like ghosts.
They're more afraid of us.

[SCREAMING]

I dunno. They did some
unspeakable things

to that poor pumpkin.

Okay,
I'll prove it to you.

And how are
you gonna do that?

ALL: Oh...

Seriously, how?

I can't watch!

[HIGH-PITCHED XYLOPHONE
NOISES SOUNDING]

Will you stop that?

Sorry.
It's just so awesome.

I'm done.
Promise.

[FLATULENCE NOISES]

Right. Got it.

[COW LOWING]
Can't help myself!

[KLAXON AND
STEAM HORN SOUNDING]

Whoops! My bad!

You can do this.
Nothing to be afraid of.

What's the worst
that can happen?

[GROWLING]

Ah! Okay, what's the second
worst that can happen?

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

WOMAN: Oh good,
you're early!

We're in a rush!

She's a goner.

Dibs on her stuff.
Rats...

Donald!
The babysitter's here!

DONALD:
Okay! Ready in a jiff!

Babysitter?

Wow.
The future is now.

[KNOCKING]

You're still undead!

Unless you're a human
in a Mavis costume!

Show yourself, imposter!

Hey.

I'm not only undead,
I'm inside!

Nobody ever invites
vampires inside.

This is so awesome!
[WOMAN LAUGHING]

They're coming back! Hide!

What're you doing?

I dunno! I panicked!
Why'd you do it?

I was following you!

I just like to jump.

Okay, the baby's
already asleep.

Oh, isn't she adorable?

[SNORING]

So, you know, there's
really not much to do.

'Cept read our diaries

and eat the emergency
marshmallow reserves.

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Ignore him.

If you're bored, you can
always read my best seller.

MAVIS: "Monsters Are Not
Your Friends"?

You never can be too careful
with those creatures

across the way.

[GULPING]

[BEEPING]

FEMALE VOICE:
Security enabled.

And whatever you do...

do not open the
door for anyone!

[NERVOUSLY] Uh, sure?

Have fun!

That thing is amazing!

My turn, my turn!

Wendy, don't!

[BEEPING]

[CLANGING]
[CHIRPING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

I think he took
that pretty well.

So, we're alone
in a human house.

And now what?

You heard the lady.
Time for some babysitting!

[SNORING]

I... have a better idea.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ All alone in a human house

♪ Ain't no monster
that's as quiet as a mouse!

♪ All alone in a human house

♪ Hey, check it out,
Hank found a blouse!

[HOWLING]

♪ Hu-man house!
Hu-man house!

♪ We're all alone
in a hu-man house!

♪ Hu-man house!
Hu-man house!

♪ We're all alone
in a hu-man house! ♪

[BARKING AND HOWLING]

♪

HANK:
Fire, fire, fire!

Make it stop!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

You guys, they've got a
Wendy-sized

swimming pool in there!

And sushi!

I would just like to
point out how much fun we had

and how not scary
humans are.

Just like I said.

Trust me.

There is absolutely,
positively, nothing to be
scared of.

[LOUD BANGING]

[LOUD BANGING]

Really set
myself up for that.

Ugh!
Paranoid Mrs. Cartwright,
um, lock me out?

Like I want your kid wiping
boogers on me anyway.

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Uh, yeah it's Zoe.

Your crazy security
is on again.

I can't get inside.

But, I already let you in.

Duh, no.
There's some interloper

trying to steal my job.

I'm throwin' serious
shade her way,
but it's not working.

Other baby sitter?

Yeah, and also,

ugh, monsters.

[STAMMERING] Monsters?

My baby!

Tuna tartare.

I wonder if I can get
the tartar on the side.

FEMALE VOICE:
Maximum security initiated.

Ah!
What's happening?

[BABY COOING]

The nose picker!

Mama.

[GASPING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry, but the moment was
just begging for it.

Who's the little gargoyle?

And can you believe it?
Like, not even a ride home!

[SCREAMING]

Nice driving, lady!

Mommy's comin'!

There you go.
Wa-wa.

See?
Nothing to be afraid of.

[CRASHING]

You really gotta know
when to quit.

[ALL SCREAMING]

You monsters
don't know who

you're dealing with!

[SCREAMING]

Sorry, sorry!
Please, don't eat us!

[GROWLING]

I can't believe
how wrong I was.
Humans aren't just scary.

They're terrifying!

Uh, how long before
they turn us into
cookies and eat us?

Mavis, I don't wanna be eaten
by a buncha cookie makers!
What do we do?

We fight back, that's what.

That's an umbrella.

I know.

Okay, okay, let's see what
this wolf-puppy can do.

[BEEPING]
Siren?

[ALARM SOUNDING]
[SCREAMING]

Ooh, try water cannon.

Paint balls!

[YELPING]

[SOBBING]

Ejector?
Whaddya think that does?

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

[THUDDING]
It's on the roof!

Oh! Mavis!
It's in the chimney!

[STRAINING]

Where's the chimney
ejector button?

Ah-ha!

[SNIFFING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING ANGRILY]

[MONSTERS SCREAMING]

PEDRO:
Somebody help us!

Where's my baby?

Open the Door!

We gotta get out of here!

[POWERING DOWN]

Yes!
Nice work, Hank!

Uh, yeah, thanks.

[ANGRY SCREAMING]

[SIREN SOUNDING]

OFFICER:
Freeze, Monster!

No!

[GIGGLING]

Shh...

[GIGGLING]

I am not a monster!

We'll take it from here,
young lady. Good job.

Just, um, another human doing
human things

like, ah,
any ol' human would.

See?
What'd I tell you guys.

Humans are nothing
to be afraid of.

Donald!
[SOBBING]

So what're you having, hon?

Kitty?
Kitty bird?

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]

What? We go where
the gigs are, man.

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]

Time for some Phlegm Ball.

[NECK CRACKING]

[GROWLING]

Neck cracking sound!

[GROWLING]

[BOTH GROWLING]

[NOISE MAKER SOUNDING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Yay!

[SCREAMING]

All right!
Fight the good fight,
Mavis!

♪ Phlegm ball!

♪ That's the name of the game

♪ Bigfoot horks a loogie
and the ball's in play

♪ Chase it,
hustle after that gob

♪ It's slimy, it's drippy,
booger as big as a dog

♪ Spook it, you gotta scare
that sucka straight

♪ Pick up, drag it back,
slam it in it's home

♪ Time to show them monsters
that they just got owned! ♪

Yes! [GROWLING]

Yeah, I'm just gonna say it...
Phlegm Ball is weird.

Ugh. Vampires are
super gross, dude.

Yeah!

Who's the undisputed
Phlegm Ball champ?

This vampire!

Bravo Mavis,
you truly are a champion...

Not!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, you're over there.
Turn around, turn around!

Klaus.

Come now, why so glum?

You should be
overcome with joy

to see your favorite
cousin Klaus

straight from the


Hi, Klaus!

It's "Klaush!"

Whatever, dude.

Anyhoo, I heard someone

was getting a little
too big for her britches

and needed to be
taught a lesson.

[SNAPPING] Ball!

Ha, as if you can b*at me!

I'm undefeated!

Yes, well it is
rather easy to win

when every monster
loses on purpose to
Dracula's daughter.

[GULPING]

Come on, no one is
letting me win! Right?

Wha? You guys too?

It's just easier
to let you win.

You're way
too competitive.

I am not!
Oh, yes you are!

And even if by
some impossible chance
it's true, whatevs!

I can still totally b*at you.

Oh, goody, so you'll put up
the golden fangs then?

You want my
Dad's lucky fangs?

They're a family heirloom!

With like ten generations
of spit on them.

No way!

Perhaps you are
too...chicken?

[CLUCKING]

But if you give up,

I suppose I may have
to start my victory
dance a little early.

[MAKING b*at NOISES]

♪ Booty shaking, booty shaking

[MAKING b*at NOISES]

♪ Booty in your face! Ah!

Ugh! Stop!
We'll play for the fangs.

I never want to
see that again.

And speaking of
never seeing again,

if I win, you stay put in the


Ugh. Fine. Deal.

[LAUGHING] Whoa!

Silverfish, behave!

[CLEARING THROAT]

Now, perhaps you would
like to meet my teammate...

Number Two.

[ROARING]

[SNICKERING]
Number Two?

Yes. Obviously,
I am number one

and so, naturally,
this is number two.

I can't ask for
a better Number Two.

My number two is solid.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And good luck b*ating me
with this one.

She has zero
k*ller instinct.

[GASPING]
I have no k*ller instinct?

Then what do you call this?

A ukulele.

Oh, thank you, I have been
wondering for a while.

[UKULELE PLAYING]
[KLAUS LAUGHING]

Y'know Wendy,

what our team really needs
is a great cheerleader.

Uh, someone
to push us to victory!

Oh, I see.

If I didn't know better,
I would think that
you're trying to

show me how much
you respect me

by handing over such
an important job!

Do I get pom poms?

Of course.

Yes! Whoo! Whoopee!

See you at game time,
Big sh*t!

It doesn't matter
what you do, Mavis,

Count Dracula's
fangs will be mine!

Me and my Number Two
are going to wipe
the floor with you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What? What?
What's so funny?

Come on, tell me,
I love jokes!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GROANING]

Now I just need a teammate.

Okay, let's see
what you've got!

[ALL GROANING]

[SPLASHING]

I'm running out of options!
[SIGHING]

How am I supposed
to b*at Klaus now?

It's "Klaush."

Aw, yeah!

Relax, Mavis,

we're ready to
save your team
and become famous!

HANK: One day, they'll make
a movie about the brave,

plucky underdogs who have no
chance, but somehow win!

Well, even though you're
probably not very good...

Hey!
So true.

I need a teammate.
Okay, Hank, you're in.

Sorry, Pedro.
Yay!

Booyah!

Oh, you don't need me?

You're so gonna regret this!
That movie's gonna b*mb!

Ow!

Ouch! Ow!

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

I always knew
you'd recognize I
was the superior choice.

Sure. Also, I figured you'd
be easier to boss around.

Hey, wait a second...

Shush, shush, shush, shush.

I've got a plan to win,
but you need to do
exactly what I say!

Whatever you want, boss!

Welcome to the Golden Fang
Phlegm Ball Championship!

Go Mavis, go Mavis, go Mavis!

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

Things look pretty
tense down there!

Skip,
give us your thoughts.

Exactly!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

After her!

Yay!
[ROARING]

[CLUCKING]

Hurry!

Gotcha!

You got this, Mavis.

[LAUGHING]

Stop it! Ugh!
Let me go!

Ah!

Go Hank!

Yes!
I'm doing it!

This is the
greatest feeling!

[SCREAMING]

Boom goes the body parts!
That's gonna leave a mark!

[GROWLING]

That's right, Skip,
it's the Crypt-O-Cola

Bone Crunch of the Night!

Crypt-O-Cola, now with
more embalming fluid!

I can't go on.

It'll take forever
to put me back together.

Hey!

Gotcha!

[GASPING, SCREAMING]

After it, you beast!

Ugh! I need a new
teammate, like now!

Ba-kow! I knew you'd come
crawling back bay-bay!

I was clearly
the better choice.

But this is going to make
my role in the movie

even more epic!

Okay, then let's get
that phlegm!

Ow! I should have stretched!

I'm out!

Tell my story!

Oh, boy,
things don't look
so good for Mavis!

Or you, Skip. Yeesh.

Ugh,
I'll never win, now!

What am I gonna do?

[GROANING]

The blob, Mavis.

Use the blob!

Go, Mavis!
I believe in you!

You make good choices!

Hey!

Trust me!

WENDY: Go team!

Yay!

Trust. Right.

Let's get phlegmy!

Whoo! Whoo!

Sorry for tricking
you off the team, Wendy.

You're the best
teammate I ever had...

Hey!

Harsh, but fair.

It's not the same
without you.

I need you.

Well, I don't know, Mavis.

Like you said,
you tricked me
off the team.

Okay!

I made a mistake.
Please!

I'll give you my bag
of Jett Black's hair.

I'll eat the crusts off
your scabby pie!

I'll take over a week of
squeezing your dads
blob heads?

Ding-ding!
That's the one!

Let's do this!

Slither faster!

Ah!
We gotta stop him!

Klaus wants a k*ller instinct?
Let's k*ll 'em with kindness.

It's "Klaush!"

[LAUGHING]

I hope you score!

Look at you,
you're so big and strong!

I bet your parents
read to you at night.

You were clearly
raised well!

[GRUNTING]

Nobody's ever been
nice to you before?

That doesn't seem right.
You have such shiny drool.

Foul! No fair!

Referee, call a foul,
she's playing nice!

Come on, forget the game.
Let's go have a picnic.

Boom-drac-alacka!
Yes!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You still have the ball!
You didn't score!

Ze game is not over!

Got it!
No!

KLAUS: Admit defeat!

Never!

You must!
You know you're going to lose!

MAVIS:
The phlegm ball is mine!

Wow, they've been at it for
like three weeks now.

What's this about again?

Dunno, vampire stuff
or something.

[BOTH STRAINING]

♪ Booty shaking, booty shaking

♪ Booty in your face!
Ah! Oh...

♪