01x01 - Episode 1
Posted: 03/19/24 12:23
annie
you would you wouldn't you
maybe you would you would but i'm
convinced you would
from the bottom of my heart i i'm
convinced you would honey i know you're
upset i can tell that
and probably i would be upset too if
someone broke into my house at this hour
but let's let's consider why i did it
all right i did it to ask you to marry
me
to renew the old vows you don't want to
blow anybody to smithereens over
something like that besides that
good news i'm on the cover of a magazine
my picture honey they're gonna do a
story on me a whole article on me
and my work my god annie life is worth
living now so why do you why don't you
put the heater down and we'll talk
okay that's the spirit
now then let's see if we can't uh
pick a date that's good for you for us
to get married okay
two weeks from today all right let's
just say
let's say two weeks from today then that
that would be the
last friday friday the 13th
all right uh friday the 13th she is
[Music]
right there ain't slap huh
was that four black and two without
no there's three black two with sugar
two no what's what's going on
copy sir and plenty of it no no i mean
somebody died or nelson running another
one of his uh
fundraisers what you don't have any
sweet low on your desk do you sir
what are all these uh these memos oh now
look i'm out of cream
what am i gonna do now well i'll tell
you
i'm gonna ask you one more time and then
i'm gonna start pulling your fingernails
understand what's the story well i
thought you knew sir
start with your thumbs you're the story
in the magazine
it came out today all over the country
and ever since then the phones have been
ringing and people have been leaving
messages for you and
mr kruger says it's a red letter day for
the ledger and i've been going like 60
to getting coffee
kidding okay like 50. lap
in my office isn't it amazing all this
and you're getting married on the very
same day
where's judy i don't know she was here
then she left
well maybe she went shopping for your
wedding present
rang master hey the slapper come on in
look i sent the legal boys down to the
files here come on right over here
sit all right sure here you go atta boy
and
look what they found
no kidding what is it don't play ducks
with me you know what it is it's your
contract
it makes you exclusive to this newspaper
it's 10 years old but
it's tight as a button solid as steel
all you have to do
is sign it whoa go ahead
wait a minute what have you been playing
in the kitty litter again huh your eyes
are all bugged out your teeth are
clattering like an old xylophone what's
eating you pal
this this is what's been eating me and
that phone's been ringing off the
ceiling since seven o'clock this morning
ever since that edition came out with
your bean on it on the east coast
this is big slap bigger than we figured
at every newsstand in america
every street corner every mom and pop
drug store people are buying and reading
about you
and they're interested it's amazing
super fine
and where have you been home motel
getting ready for a wedding oh yeah is
that today
tonight i'll be there appreciate it now
sorry
wait wait wait wait slow down will you
you want me to beg i'll beg
look you don't have to do it for me do
it for the paper our
paper comes the dawn look
let's just say for the sake of argument
that you're the biggest thing to come
down the pike since wrong way corrigan
mm-hmm do you know what that could do
for the ledger it could just
save this old rag unless i decide to
walk right
that's what you're afraid of you're
afraid i'm gonna go hollywood on you
right
fast cars fancy women beluga for
breakfast
i can handle that pal beluga i've seen
it
it ain't a pretty sign i can handle it i
know you can handle it
no science okay nelson
what do i get at my side what do you
want i want my car waxed a painted
green and a set of new tires okay and a
new jacket
designer label tied a match you got it
how about tahiti trip for two first
class round trip
little cabana on the beach what are you
trying to do break us and your glass uh
now never mind your glass eye it's all
fogged up anyway
okay now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna
catch a limo sit by my pool and iron the
shirt
take the rest of the day off thanks pal
oh and slap
remember your writing may belong to the
agents
but your ass belongs to the ledger
poetry nelson sheer portrait
it's problematical all right tricky
elusive amen to that poets and
philosophers they never figured it out
andy warhol says we're all gonna have it
for 15 minutes
what andy we'll all know about getting
ain't married what we're talking about
getting married we're talking about
being famous
well see i was talking about getting
married you are still getting married
aren't you i am indeed
glad to hear it and he's a good woman
annie's the best
well see there that's all it counts as
for the rest of it
mr dog and pony show that's what you're
going to say right
not exactly nothing wrong with a little
publicity
depends on what you do with it yeah you
know
don't get me wrong i mean i'm i'm
flattered and all that
but this uh career achievement award i
mean what are they really saying to me
end of career out to pasture that's all
he wrote
and what am i supposed to do for an
encore wandering around waving that
magazine
talking about who i used to be telling
tall tales of past glory like some
landlocked sailor you're a funny guy
slap
one minute is this the next minute that
one day you're flying high
next day you're on a bus leaving town no
no not anymore i'm planted i mean this
is this is where i make my stand
i'll tell you this the real slap maxwell
story has not been written yet
i'll tell you why excuse me mr maxwell
could you
oh yeah sure is he there that's not so
bad maybe i should name a cheeseburger
after you
race your fame huh say what is it you do
anyway
slap slap open up it's me
hey i was uh i was just uh standing
around in your shorts
well something like that yeah cute
valentine's gift and if i come in
you can put your pants on if you'll be
more comfortable
thanks i missed you at the office this
morning
yeah i was just there a little while big
doings huh
i look for you judy i couldn't take it
there couldn't get into it
i had other things on my mind you know
yeah things like
the fact that you and i have hardly
spoken a word to each other in the last
two weeks
things like how much i miss our times
together
even though they were never much of
anything to brag about
and now here i am engaged to be married
and your weddings in just a few hours
doesn't that strike you as kind of funny
i don't know funny is a funny word
laurel and hardy were funny about
costello and funny sometimes
first season of cheers it's also a
colossal mistake
judy hear me out i've thought it over
and i realized just how wrong this whole
thing is
not really for me i mean
neil's a wonderful guy i guess you'd
have to say he's perfect
in every way and of course he's handsome
and i get the picture but i'm not sure
slap i'm just not sure
if i'm ready to settle down with
somebody who's that flawless
i guess that's what i'm saying
so you came here maybe i'm looking for
some kind of sign
[Music]
we all need a sign every once in a while
don't we
[Music]
wouldn't have to be a big one not of the
head
glimmer in the eyes a simple yes or no
just something to go on
[Music]
well i guess that's that
you know i have a feeling i'm going to
want to thank you for this
next time i see you
[Music]
wedding present
[Music]
amd will be right back with susan anne's
back in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
here we are at the altar once again
everything's beautiful
and that dress geez like it
i love it so will slap i think he's
gonna shower
sorry everything is gonna be fine annie
maybe that's what i'm being nervous
about you know it took me three hours to
put this dress on
i kept staring in the mirror thinking
about how i used to hate the way slap
dumped his coffee grinds in this thing
i used to do that maybe that's why i
asked him to stay at the motel till the
last minute
cause he was a slob no so we could both
be sure
you two belong together like liver and
bacon or nitro and glycerin
oh well after today it'll be decided
so he won't where do you want this mom
oh um find your favorite b*llet hole
he's coming i promise you i talked to
him he's a happy man
everything is gonna be fine nothing is
gonna keep him from being here today
afternoon hi got a little problem here
you think you could fix it well all
depends uh
you in a hurry yeah i'm on my way to get
married
a little too old for that ain't you uh
you think you can fix it or not well me
uh i just mainly pump gas
my son can fix it though he does all the
mechanical work he owns this place
can i talk to him we ain't here took off
in the wrecker
probably some fool ran out of gas
someplace you know how people are these
days
right uh tell you what uh benson you're
in such a hurry to go get married
maybe i should just uh look here and
check yeah
had a little experience with old buckets
like this yeah
spent uh 40 years in the navy motor pool
and right the old navy yeah you got a
payphone inside
yes right inside the office a grandson
will show you where it is
telephone son
do you have any change on you by any
chance no quarters one
don't tell me it's dead again it's dead
again it seems like nothing ever works
anymore does it town
think i found the problem mode of your
car oh good busted radiator hose
uh it won't take long to get you all
fixed up though oh great great uh
tell you what why don't you just relax
take a seat over there by my grandson
uh tommy slide on down william
real fisherman yeah supposed to go out
with his dad this morning but he uh
had to go with the record all right that
sort of ruined tommy's plans
so why don't you uh try to cheer him up
okay well wait a minute um
is isn't that uh more or less your job
you gonna fix the car oh
this is your dad's place huh
nice place
you don't find him like this much
anymore
nice rod did i see it
thanks
yeah yeah i used to do a lot of fishing
years ago with my son
he's about your age of course he's big
boy now
we used to go down this path this
winding path
is all covered over with thistles
and it wound down to this pond it was
just
brimming with bluegills it was i mean it
was really something
a sacred place yeah yeah nobody knew
about it
i got a place too yeah yeah
you ever hear of a baseball player named
ted williams
he happens to be a a great fisherman
also
and there's a story around that says
that he once caught a bone fish that
weighed 30
pounds
i don't get it i phoned the motel he's
checked out
where is he maybe he's having car
trouble yeah that's it
car trouble i have a canopy uncle nelson
huh cheese and crackers
oh yeah i knew that it's a big day for
pop isn't it
the magazine and all i told him slap i
said
things are going to be different now
betty hated that all the fuss the
pressure pops never liked that kind of
thing
are you kidding this is what he always
wanted this is a dream come true
maybe that's why he's not here
there you go all set yep filled up your
t*nk too while i was at it you was
getting mighty low oh good thank you
very much how much how much do i no you
don't owe me nothing
we worked a little swap in there it was
pretty good you know
oh yeah well yeah he's quite a kid
well thank you thank you very much you
know uh
he reminds me of me about 60 years ago
yeah impatience you know
always uh chomping at the bit yeah
chasing his dreams
following his heart's desire nothing
like me and you
excuse me oh there i was just battling
no no you said something about
you and me well uh nothing really i
guess
uh well you know we're a little older
and uh
we got our feet on the ground we got
responsibilities we don't go
gallivanting around uh every time the
urge comes up
all our good times i guess are behind us
not that we ain't had them
they're kind of like a scrapbook you
bring them out every once in a while and
you'll look
at them nothing wrong with that oh did i
mention i had been in the navy
yeah i've had my times plenty of them
i was shipwrecked in the darkness
i've watched a mountain of fire raise
right out of the pacific ocean
you know once in sanzibar i saw a man
swallow a monkey take
he didn't he why what is it 20 or 30
dollars just take it okay
no really take it i thought you and me
no popeye not you and me don't include
me in your club
you see this face you know who i am
gene hackman slap maxwell
sports writer of the year
[Music]
[Music]
he's crazy
[Music]
[Applause]
charlie i didn't mean to somebody get a
broom
[Applause]
[Music]
you okay mom yeah just looking at the
backyard
gonna miss it i think a lot of nice
memories
remember that treehouse pop built for me
out there ain't built you a tree house
no but he bought a ladder
used to love it especially at night
walking under the stars listening
through your window
hearing your father tell you bedtime
stories just as dawn was coming up
you remember those stories i remember
the one where he went five for five
off harry the cat for keen in a spring
training game including three homers
and the cardinals asked him to stay for
the regular season but he couldn't
because he had to go back and finish
elementary school
yeah that was a good one do you hear
that other one about the
boy and the tattered coat who one day
found a wish at the bottom of his pocket
and couldn't decide what to wish for
food friends gold in the end he left it
there in his pocket
to hold on to forever and ever it wasn't
what the wish could bring
but the having of the wish that was his
true heart's desire
i guess we should go inside don't keep
them anymore huh
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
this is big bigger than we figured
we all need a sign every once in a while
don't we
impatience you know always uh jumping at
the bit
chasing his dreams remember slap
your writing may belong to the agents
but your ass belongs to the legend
i'll tell you this the real slap maximum
story has not been written yet
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
a toast friends
to family to life
and to the boy in the tattered coat
god bless us everyone
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
i'll tell you this the real slap maximum
story has not been written yet
[Music]
a and e will be right back with slap
maxwell
you would you wouldn't you
maybe you would you would but i'm
convinced you would
from the bottom of my heart i i'm
convinced you would honey i know you're
upset i can tell that
and probably i would be upset too if
someone broke into my house at this hour
but let's let's consider why i did it
all right i did it to ask you to marry
me
to renew the old vows you don't want to
blow anybody to smithereens over
something like that besides that
good news i'm on the cover of a magazine
my picture honey they're gonna do a
story on me a whole article on me
and my work my god annie life is worth
living now so why do you why don't you
put the heater down and we'll talk
okay that's the spirit
now then let's see if we can't uh
pick a date that's good for you for us
to get married okay
two weeks from today all right let's
just say
let's say two weeks from today then that
that would be the
last friday friday the 13th
all right uh friday the 13th she is
[Music]
right there ain't slap huh
was that four black and two without
no there's three black two with sugar
two no what's what's going on
copy sir and plenty of it no no i mean
somebody died or nelson running another
one of his uh
fundraisers what you don't have any
sweet low on your desk do you sir
what are all these uh these memos oh now
look i'm out of cream
what am i gonna do now well i'll tell
you
i'm gonna ask you one more time and then
i'm gonna start pulling your fingernails
understand what's the story well i
thought you knew sir
start with your thumbs you're the story
in the magazine
it came out today all over the country
and ever since then the phones have been
ringing and people have been leaving
messages for you and
mr kruger says it's a red letter day for
the ledger and i've been going like 60
to getting coffee
kidding okay like 50. lap
in my office isn't it amazing all this
and you're getting married on the very
same day
where's judy i don't know she was here
then she left
well maybe she went shopping for your
wedding present
rang master hey the slapper come on in
look i sent the legal boys down to the
files here come on right over here
sit all right sure here you go atta boy
and
look what they found
no kidding what is it don't play ducks
with me you know what it is it's your
contract
it makes you exclusive to this newspaper
it's 10 years old but
it's tight as a button solid as steel
all you have to do
is sign it whoa go ahead
wait a minute what have you been playing
in the kitty litter again huh your eyes
are all bugged out your teeth are
clattering like an old xylophone what's
eating you pal
this this is what's been eating me and
that phone's been ringing off the
ceiling since seven o'clock this morning
ever since that edition came out with
your bean on it on the east coast
this is big slap bigger than we figured
at every newsstand in america
every street corner every mom and pop
drug store people are buying and reading
about you
and they're interested it's amazing
super fine
and where have you been home motel
getting ready for a wedding oh yeah is
that today
tonight i'll be there appreciate it now
sorry
wait wait wait wait slow down will you
you want me to beg i'll beg
look you don't have to do it for me do
it for the paper our
paper comes the dawn look
let's just say for the sake of argument
that you're the biggest thing to come
down the pike since wrong way corrigan
mm-hmm do you know what that could do
for the ledger it could just
save this old rag unless i decide to
walk right
that's what you're afraid of you're
afraid i'm gonna go hollywood on you
right
fast cars fancy women beluga for
breakfast
i can handle that pal beluga i've seen
it
it ain't a pretty sign i can handle it i
know you can handle it
no science okay nelson
what do i get at my side what do you
want i want my car waxed a painted
green and a set of new tires okay and a
new jacket
designer label tied a match you got it
how about tahiti trip for two first
class round trip
little cabana on the beach what are you
trying to do break us and your glass uh
now never mind your glass eye it's all
fogged up anyway
okay now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna
catch a limo sit by my pool and iron the
shirt
take the rest of the day off thanks pal
oh and slap
remember your writing may belong to the
agents
but your ass belongs to the ledger
poetry nelson sheer portrait
it's problematical all right tricky
elusive amen to that poets and
philosophers they never figured it out
andy warhol says we're all gonna have it
for 15 minutes
what andy we'll all know about getting
ain't married what we're talking about
getting married we're talking about
being famous
well see i was talking about getting
married you are still getting married
aren't you i am indeed
glad to hear it and he's a good woman
annie's the best
well see there that's all it counts as
for the rest of it
mr dog and pony show that's what you're
going to say right
not exactly nothing wrong with a little
publicity
depends on what you do with it yeah you
know
don't get me wrong i mean i'm i'm
flattered and all that
but this uh career achievement award i
mean what are they really saying to me
end of career out to pasture that's all
he wrote
and what am i supposed to do for an
encore wandering around waving that
magazine
talking about who i used to be telling
tall tales of past glory like some
landlocked sailor you're a funny guy
slap
one minute is this the next minute that
one day you're flying high
next day you're on a bus leaving town no
no not anymore i'm planted i mean this
is this is where i make my stand
i'll tell you this the real slap maxwell
story has not been written yet
i'll tell you why excuse me mr maxwell
could you
oh yeah sure is he there that's not so
bad maybe i should name a cheeseburger
after you
race your fame huh say what is it you do
anyway
slap slap open up it's me
hey i was uh i was just uh standing
around in your shorts
well something like that yeah cute
valentine's gift and if i come in
you can put your pants on if you'll be
more comfortable
thanks i missed you at the office this
morning
yeah i was just there a little while big
doings huh
i look for you judy i couldn't take it
there couldn't get into it
i had other things on my mind you know
yeah things like
the fact that you and i have hardly
spoken a word to each other in the last
two weeks
things like how much i miss our times
together
even though they were never much of
anything to brag about
and now here i am engaged to be married
and your weddings in just a few hours
doesn't that strike you as kind of funny
i don't know funny is a funny word
laurel and hardy were funny about
costello and funny sometimes
first season of cheers it's also a
colossal mistake
judy hear me out i've thought it over
and i realized just how wrong this whole
thing is
not really for me i mean
neil's a wonderful guy i guess you'd
have to say he's perfect
in every way and of course he's handsome
and i get the picture but i'm not sure
slap i'm just not sure
if i'm ready to settle down with
somebody who's that flawless
i guess that's what i'm saying
so you came here maybe i'm looking for
some kind of sign
[Music]
we all need a sign every once in a while
don't we
[Music]
wouldn't have to be a big one not of the
head
glimmer in the eyes a simple yes or no
just something to go on
[Music]
well i guess that's that
you know i have a feeling i'm going to
want to thank you for this
next time i see you
[Music]
wedding present
[Music]
amd will be right back with susan anne's
back in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
here we are at the altar once again
everything's beautiful
and that dress geez like it
i love it so will slap i think he's
gonna shower
sorry everything is gonna be fine annie
maybe that's what i'm being nervous
about you know it took me three hours to
put this dress on
i kept staring in the mirror thinking
about how i used to hate the way slap
dumped his coffee grinds in this thing
i used to do that maybe that's why i
asked him to stay at the motel till the
last minute
cause he was a slob no so we could both
be sure
you two belong together like liver and
bacon or nitro and glycerin
oh well after today it'll be decided
so he won't where do you want this mom
oh um find your favorite b*llet hole
he's coming i promise you i talked to
him he's a happy man
everything is gonna be fine nothing is
gonna keep him from being here today
afternoon hi got a little problem here
you think you could fix it well all
depends uh
you in a hurry yeah i'm on my way to get
married
a little too old for that ain't you uh
you think you can fix it or not well me
uh i just mainly pump gas
my son can fix it though he does all the
mechanical work he owns this place
can i talk to him we ain't here took off
in the wrecker
probably some fool ran out of gas
someplace you know how people are these
days
right uh tell you what uh benson you're
in such a hurry to go get married
maybe i should just uh look here and
check yeah
had a little experience with old buckets
like this yeah
spent uh 40 years in the navy motor pool
and right the old navy yeah you got a
payphone inside
yes right inside the office a grandson
will show you where it is
telephone son
do you have any change on you by any
chance no quarters one
don't tell me it's dead again it's dead
again it seems like nothing ever works
anymore does it town
think i found the problem mode of your
car oh good busted radiator hose
uh it won't take long to get you all
fixed up though oh great great uh
tell you what why don't you just relax
take a seat over there by my grandson
uh tommy slide on down william
real fisherman yeah supposed to go out
with his dad this morning but he uh
had to go with the record all right that
sort of ruined tommy's plans
so why don't you uh try to cheer him up
okay well wait a minute um
is isn't that uh more or less your job
you gonna fix the car oh
this is your dad's place huh
nice place
you don't find him like this much
anymore
nice rod did i see it
thanks
yeah yeah i used to do a lot of fishing
years ago with my son
he's about your age of course he's big
boy now
we used to go down this path this
winding path
is all covered over with thistles
and it wound down to this pond it was
just
brimming with bluegills it was i mean it
was really something
a sacred place yeah yeah nobody knew
about it
i got a place too yeah yeah
you ever hear of a baseball player named
ted williams
he happens to be a a great fisherman
also
and there's a story around that says
that he once caught a bone fish that
weighed 30
pounds
i don't get it i phoned the motel he's
checked out
where is he maybe he's having car
trouble yeah that's it
car trouble i have a canopy uncle nelson
huh cheese and crackers
oh yeah i knew that it's a big day for
pop isn't it
the magazine and all i told him slap i
said
things are going to be different now
betty hated that all the fuss the
pressure pops never liked that kind of
thing
are you kidding this is what he always
wanted this is a dream come true
maybe that's why he's not here
there you go all set yep filled up your
t*nk too while i was at it you was
getting mighty low oh good thank you
very much how much how much do i no you
don't owe me nothing
we worked a little swap in there it was
pretty good you know
oh yeah well yeah he's quite a kid
well thank you thank you very much you
know uh
he reminds me of me about 60 years ago
yeah impatience you know
always uh chomping at the bit yeah
chasing his dreams
following his heart's desire nothing
like me and you
excuse me oh there i was just battling
no no you said something about
you and me well uh nothing really i
guess
uh well you know we're a little older
and uh
we got our feet on the ground we got
responsibilities we don't go
gallivanting around uh every time the
urge comes up
all our good times i guess are behind us
not that we ain't had them
they're kind of like a scrapbook you
bring them out every once in a while and
you'll look
at them nothing wrong with that oh did i
mention i had been in the navy
yeah i've had my times plenty of them
i was shipwrecked in the darkness
i've watched a mountain of fire raise
right out of the pacific ocean
you know once in sanzibar i saw a man
swallow a monkey take
he didn't he why what is it 20 or 30
dollars just take it okay
no really take it i thought you and me
no popeye not you and me don't include
me in your club
you see this face you know who i am
gene hackman slap maxwell
sports writer of the year
[Music]
[Music]
he's crazy
[Music]
[Applause]
charlie i didn't mean to somebody get a
broom
[Applause]
[Music]
you okay mom yeah just looking at the
backyard
gonna miss it i think a lot of nice
memories
remember that treehouse pop built for me
out there ain't built you a tree house
no but he bought a ladder
used to love it especially at night
walking under the stars listening
through your window
hearing your father tell you bedtime
stories just as dawn was coming up
you remember those stories i remember
the one where he went five for five
off harry the cat for keen in a spring
training game including three homers
and the cardinals asked him to stay for
the regular season but he couldn't
because he had to go back and finish
elementary school
yeah that was a good one do you hear
that other one about the
boy and the tattered coat who one day
found a wish at the bottom of his pocket
and couldn't decide what to wish for
food friends gold in the end he left it
there in his pocket
to hold on to forever and ever it wasn't
what the wish could bring
but the having of the wish that was his
true heart's desire
i guess we should go inside don't keep
them anymore huh
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[Applause]
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this is big bigger than we figured
we all need a sign every once in a while
don't we
impatience you know always uh jumping at
the bit
chasing his dreams remember slap
your writing may belong to the agents
but your ass belongs to the legend
i'll tell you this the real slap maximum
story has not been written yet
[Applause]
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a toast friends
to family to life
and to the boy in the tattered coat
god bless us everyone
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[Applause]
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i'll tell you this the real slap maximum
story has not been written yet
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a and e will be right back with slap
maxwell