[Music]
i'll k*ll her i'll k*ll her
i should have gotten this two months ago
your mother's been throwing my mail in
the trash no no no i found it in the
trash that doesn't mean mom put it there
oh yeah then how did it get in there huh
on its own hurry up larry i'm waiting
for the beauty parlor
yeah 40 years later
good news al they need uncle fester
lookalikes to open them all
then we can go together you can go as
thing
hi ma hello stephen
hey mama thought you're going to come
over to drop off dad's mail
i'm living with my sister because he
lost all our money in our house and now
he expects me to drag myself across town
every time he gets mail yeah i expected
a driver
and i hope i'm driving the car that's
pulling you
come on dad relax nothing here it's
nothing it's junk mail postcards and
one big envelope marked extremely urgent
i don't know
it's from the dmv
they canceled my life
it says you failed to respond to three
renewal notices
they must have been talking about these
things
oh why don't we just be very happy that
we found these things when we did he was
driving around without a valid driver's
license a cop could have stopped him and
put him in jail good he'll make lots of
new friends
i hear with big fat old guys
they're really gentle
it's too late to mail in your renewal i
guess stephen will just have to take you
to the dmv
thank you
uh don't be long your mother has a pair
of pliers she calls them thighs
funny
now shut up al or i'll choke you with
them and you know i can do it
no no no no way i'm taking them why not
why not dad and the dmv i cannot even
think of a worse combination except
maybe h*tler in the small world ride at
disneyland
not to mention the fact i have to speak
today at a seminar i don't care it's
your turn i took him to the auto show i
took him to danny's play we said that
was worth two trips fine if you get
double for the play i should get triple
for taking him to the dentist i should
get a million for having him live here
they love being with you almost as much
as i do
all right fine i won't go with either
one of you i don't need a license if i
have to go anywhere steven will drive me
god i thank you
when have i not been civil oh pick a
decade man
just cooperate okay i cleared my whole
morning for you but i have to get back
by two o'clock it's very important guest
speaker at a very important seven or two
o'clock two o'clock you'll
make two o'clock stardate 57 40.
i believe it's just crowded at 802 in
the morning huh i mean thank god we
didn't wait until 803 when all the
slackers get here
pick a line will you look like a dog
i'll tell you something picking the
right line is very important you pick
the wrong one you wait in line you look
like the old howard hughes with the
beard coming down to the floor and the
ten inch fingernails and uh you know the
g string made out of kleenex
you just gave me a vision of your mother
on that camping trip
i don't want mine to get on here the
signs aren't even in english
great they can't read the stop sign and
they let them drive look at this
saturday night at ellis island
yes yes welcome to america we're gonna
give you a new name
couscous oh god this is going to take
forever
no i know how to clear the room
immigration they found the tunnel
dad don't start with these people i'm
not out of line on this
if i was in this man's country i
wouldn't expect to walk in and say i
want to drive and change all the signs
to english but i do expect i'd see a bad
flaw show and have flies all around me
so i said to her i don't care shave it
and my brother agrees
so what does she do she doesn't shave it
she tweezes it doink doing doing
that's because jackie o does it that way
excuse me excuse me miss manners there
are people waiting
oh i'll call you later
sarah are you here on dmv business no
i'm the male stripper for the guys in
the back
oh it must be lenny's birthday i use the
blue door on the side
what's wrong with you of course i'm here
on dmv business
that was a joke
look everybody jay leno is here
[Music]
you know there really isn't any need for
hostility all right but we are in a rush
okay so uh i'm a psychologist and i'm
really just a psychologist look
everybody mr important drop everything
get out of his way
okay look my father needs his license we
need to find new licenses over there
and why haven't been standing over here
because that is where your thumb is how
do i know
you could have said something before i
mean look there's like 20 people
and somewhere in the forest a tree phil
what has that got to do with me
he's
i can't believe it's 11 30 already that
means they're handling one person like
every 90 minutes by the time we get up
there this guy in front of us might be
dead
if you shut up if he drops we'll save an
hour
boom
it's your mother's fault
oh it's not her fault i mean why should
you come all the way over your house
just to drop off your mail why not she
drives all the way up to albany to pick
up a case of bourbon and then goes on to
canada to get some ice
i think a uh i think a new line opened
up oh
go slow uh-huh take it easy all right
don't start a stampede huh
quiet
don't go
certainly finally what name is your
appointment
appointment this line is for
appointments only we can't serve you
without an appointment if you don't have
one would you please step aside oh come
on man you got to be crazy you're not
doing any that's right sir i'm doing my
job
hello
i cannot believe how they run this place
look there's a thousand people online
this guy's doing nothing certainly i can
give an appointment today or in three
weeks on the 22nd oh
very well on the 22nd
we'd like to make an appointment i can
give you one on the 22nd
today yes but i can't give you that
and why not
because you're here we don't give
same-day appointments in person
it wouldn't be fair to them
let me just see if i can understand this
okay you can't give us an appointment
today because we're like two feet away
from you but if i called you from home
it's like watching
tippy hedren and the birds you'd let us
in that's correct sir that's moronic sir
that's our policy sir
who works here people who can't pass the
post office test
with the damn quota system
you know i'm sure you would have made
one hell of a postman
what are you doing
that's out of order
yes i'd like to make a reservation for
today oh certainly come down anytime
great i'll be right there
okay
that's it
hello hello i'd like to make a
reservation for today oh sorry we just
booked the last one but i can fit you in
on the 22nd
you just please
hey
hey hey
no cutting in lines jeez right m*rder
here without having to line this lawn
since uh larry's bachelor party
attention attention
if you have a license and are simply
renewing step to this window
back dog back back
renewing renewing that's us renewing
would you like to see my old license
with every fiber of my being
that's a lot of fiber
this license expired three weeks ago
bright eyes that a problem not for me
there you are
that's it that's it
fantastic i might make this seminar
after all
this is my new license no
you have to take a written test that is
the number for the waiting list
[Applause]
i see
for ejaculation you know uh how long can
that take you know well
if you miss your speech don't blame me
blame your mother no no please
my obsession over andy davis and
miniature golf you know
hey you'll go ahead i can handle these
people hey what is that what are you
kidding me it wasn't for me those two
security guys would never let you back
in here i mean i pleaded for two hours
that's more than alan dershowitz did for
klaus found bulow
i'm sorry stephen i'll be good i promise
i won't humiliate you anymore will
everyone taking their written test
please have a seat and take a pencil oh
they gotta be kidding look at this
sukiyaki is given a driving test
dad please don't dredge up those old
stereotypes about japanese and asian
drivers hey it's not their fault they
don't have any peripheral vision
that's why during the w*r they were so
easy to g*n down you flew alongside of
them and they never saw you
it's true i'll show you
you know
that was just a generational thing i'm
not getting seriously i i swear to god
studies show really that people that
have grown up during the w*r they just
have to cope with it by dehumanizing the
enemy and then even after pieces to
achieve they still got the stereotypes
locked in their heads so it's up to us
it really is up to all of us the
succeeding generations to avoid
perpetuating prejudice and not to judge
our ancestors too harshly it's true
you're a jew aren't you
[Applause]
you have 20 minutes
this stuff looks pretty involved i hope
you know your stuff ah don't worry don't
worry trust me i was driving a car
before you were born you know you need
to know a lot to pass this test i bet
you don't even know what a railroad
crossing sign looks like i bet you don't
even know what a woman's breast looks
like
100 questions in 20 minutes okay
stephen
why
how close can you park to a fire station
look it's your license take your test
huh how close could you park to a fire
station 15 feet don't ask me another one
okay okay
looks like some guy with a big ass
if they're in a wheelchair it means
handicapped driver
oh look the guy's looking now he can't
see us they blink more than we do
here i'm just curious hey pop
if there weren't any other countries
what would you mark like montana
in a new york minute
now help me out here huh how do you park
on a hill look i'm not gonna cheat for
you if you can't pass on your own just
go home and study until you can
that means you'll have to bring me back
here my show me that question again
i don't know b and c both sound right
well i can't pick both what do you have
more b's or c's eight of each
that many make it a d
your choice i hardly have any ds you
could go back and put some in
now you tell me
time's up
oh by the way
i found this five dollars on the floor
i'm sure you'll know what to do with it
it's a great deal of money in your
country
hey i needed something going for me
after you screwed up my test i mean you
could have mentioned that d thing a
little sooner
i'm not so typical of you always blaming
someone else you know dad you've done
this your whole life
can god help me but i'm gonna quote
ronald reagan there you go again
really that every time something goes
wrong you never take any responsibility
you expect everyone to fix it for you
okay
i'll take care of my own problems i'll
fix it i'll fix it fine
okay
here we go
oh you're switching names oh that's
great but wind up in a turkish prison
playing find the cigarettes
okay
mr tyler 97.
excellent
miss welsh 91
ah
mr mitchell
65.
65 what does that mean oh it means you
failed no righteousness
[Applause]
i cannot believe
that i missed an important seminar for
this really i cannot get it out of my
mind this was the biggest waste of time
since i don't know custer said follow me
boys i feel lucky
the kid failed it was his test oh good
dad go tell them really i think i
deserve a license because i cheated
unsuccessfully they'll really buy that
question what did i do to them
what did you do to them
all the time you came in here with your
little nasty confrontational attitude
i'm telling you pop my entire life every
outing we went on always ended up just
like this oh excuse me for ruining your
outing to the dmv
can't you manage to go one day without
embarrassing me
that's all it ever is to you
you are embarrassed
you never think how i feel how you feel
yeah doctor you forgot why we're here
i'm here because your mother threw me
out because she didn't have enough
respect to give me my mail
how do you think that feels god it was
your mail
stops here look forgive me i'm into this
presidential quote mode kind of thing
today the bottom line is you should have
thought about taking your own mail
maybe i didn't want to i mean
well maybe if i sent the mail to your
mother she'd have a reason to come over
now and then
saying you would like to come over uh i
should like to see you more often
uh no
that's not it huh
when she comes over flies stay off my
food
i don't know pop i think what you're
saying is that uh
maybe just maybe uh you have more
feelings about her than you let on
gee dad i don't know i guess that's
about as close to a salmon as you get
huh
yeah
well i bet she'll have a big laugh when
she hears i failed the test
they give you three tries to pass this
thing
tell you know what i'm gonna do
i'll take across the street to that
diner i'm gonna buy a hot pot of coffee
decaf for me if you don't mind okay and
we're gonna cram until you get it
i appreciate that stephen
watch your hands huh sailor
[Music]
there you are mr mitchell ah way to go
dad
thank you steven and thanks for your
help
i'm sorry about the seminar hey hey look
it's no problem it's all i blew my
chance you know at the big money lecture
circuit but hey
the important thing is now you can drive
to the a p again huh congratulations yes
and now you can celebrate by hoisting a
few of the pig and whistles
what is wrong
with you people
what i mean what
you know life is tough enough
and you people have the opportunity to
make things easier for everyone but no
instead you have lousy attitudes
ridiculous rules and obnoxious
personalities i mean what is it with you
huh why are you doing this i mean do you
hate your silly pathetic little life so
much that the only joy you get is
treating the rest of mankind like scum
yes
what my son is trying to say is
[Applause]
for a woman who sits on her butt all day
she sure could kick
this is the worst day of my life
including the day you walked in on me
and tommy o'brien
what happened to that o'brien kid didn't
they throw him out of the parish
now i know how he feels i got kicked out
of the dmv
i didn't even violate any of the ten
commandments
no
at least i got my license
that'll show your brother
that aren't you forgetting i thought you
learned something today what but how you
feel about mom i didn't forget
that would be like the harry krishnas
for getting their way to the airport
who's that
that's that's that's mom i
i called a dad i uh i thought maybe you
and her would like to have like a little
talk judas
what did you want stephen hurry up larry
is driving me to chippendales
already
i hear they have a man there who can
even make change
thanks mom i'll never touch money again
as long as i live
let it go stephen
oh look dad
i know this is what you want and i think
maybe this is what mom wants so go on
you can do it
helen
you know the mail you brought over here
today
yes
well
the reason i didn't take care of it
myself was oh that reminds me
this came for you last month
the irs
i'll k*ll you
ah yes another day
in the parent trap
sorry i ruined your dmz audi
oh excuse me
oh excuse me now
i do for a lousy hundred grand
01x04 - Al vs. DMV
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.