04x05 - Amy
Posted: 03/12/24 19:49
Don't breathe in so much-
Don't f*cking breath on you.
Why?
Just onions innit, and egg.
Yeah.
I had onion and egg for breakfast
with a bit of tomatoes.
It's Mediterranean.
Hush up. Listen.
Your breath is terrible now.
And look where we are.
You're such a breathy talker.
You f*cking
Hi everyone,
I am Ashely.
I have had Mediterranean
for breakfast.
What am I supposed to have
for breakfast?
f*ck off man.
Your man said
this was a stupid idea.
One of Tommo's shag wagon...
f*ck truck. Erotic parlour.
One of his clients is a very rich
Swedish businessman. Right.
And he carries a bag full of cash
wi' him, everywhere he goes.
- Including into our sessions.
- Ow! I'm sorry mother.
So what you want us
to f*cking swipe it mid spank?
Ow, yes! Yes.
It's a bit more complicated
than that, you see.
The cash is very closely integrated
into the roll play itself.
It's er sort of er,
Freudian, y'know.
However, tomorrow morning
he's asked for my services
in a hotel room, right?
So what I'm thinking is,
you lot distract his bodyguard.
Pencil Full Of Lead ♪
You alright?
I think I'm having a heart attack.
One of you swoops in
and nicks the bag as fast as...
..sabre skin.
Niche reference. Course.
Where will you be waiting until
the Bodyguard gets out of the way?
Broom cupboard.
Do you know what I mean?
Ash.
Fantastic.
I mean that's a stupid idea.
It's actually a brilliant idea.
Right?
Oh shit. Let's do this.
Hang on dude. Stop!
It's only 1-2 f*cking 6.
It's 126, I'm telling ya. Go on.
Oh. No! Masked invaders.
Tommo what you wearing that for
f*ck!
Oh, he's f*cking massive!
No. No. No!
There's f*cking scented oils,
Thomas.
Why is he so slippy.
I've never seen them in my life.
I have never seen them
before in my life.
What do you think? I can't offer up
a dry massage, can I Vin?
Oh, sorry, Boss.
Gentlemen, uh, carry on.
Thank you!
The g*n!
Big g*n. Bang bang.
It stinks of lavender man.
You get it?
Hold on. Hold on. I drop a bag.
Let's go.
About f*cking time.
f*cking professional thieves.
Well you've joined us
at the right time, pet.
I've been managing this centre
for twenty years
and we've never had to
cut our cloth so tight.
Me and our Ronnie used to come
here when we were little.
And there was always some er,
hot chocolate and biscuits.
It meant a lot to us.
That's why, I thought it's good to
do the fundraiser you know,
to give something back?
Oh yeah.
Hiyah.
Between you and me, Erin, love,
we're gonna need more
than a jumble sale.
I mean we've barely got enough money
to keep this place going.
Let alone do it up.
Erin and Ronnie?
Is Ronnie Croft your brother?
Oh God. Yeah.
Why what did he nick?
My Ted found him making off with all
the toilet rolls a few years back.
Well, he tried.
He got locked in over
bank holiday weekend, poor love.
Yeah, that sounds like our Ronnie.
You can't choose your family.
No you can't!
Do you mean it's where
they k-k-keep trees and that?
It says
Marsh f*cking Gardens?
Marsh Gardens is a f*cking sh*thole.
It is a sh*thole.
And it's also dangerous.
Boiled Ham Sam got nailed to
a bench there last Christmas.
Boiled Ham Sam
nailed himself to the f*cking bench
because he's a complete moron.
Do you know how it happened?
JJ, do you happen to
have a garage cat?
No.
What's a garage cat?
Well it's a cat that lives
in a f*cking garage int it.
Well that's just a cat surely?
Mearow.
Get a f*cking w*apon you bellend.
Shh!
No. They f*cking know we're here.
Right, now, listen.
If you are a garage cat,
you better say somert right now.
Look no-ones gonna hurt you.
Just put 'em down.
Put 'em down a little bit.
No one gonna hurt ya.
Just, come on out.
Come on.
Sorry the, the door was open and
it's raining. So...
Are you alright?
You lot know Erin Croft, right?
Who's asking?
I'm Amy Croft.
I think she's my sister.
I've got a sister?
I know. I had no idea either.
When did you find out?
Two weeks ago.
When my nan died. Of cancer.
Well she had cancer,
but then it cleared up,
then she felt really poorly
so they booked in another scan
but she never made it.
Postman just spotted her through
the curtains, lying there.
I cleared out her bungalow
for the council
because she was a real hoarder
and I found these letters
from my dad to my mum saying
how much he missed his little girl
Erin and...
I'm babbling aren't I, yeah?
I babble when I'm nervous.
Do you babble?
It's just a bit of
a surprise to be here.
I can't believe she's got
a half sister.
Oh come off it,
Neil Croft was a prolific vag hand.
Surprised more of his f*cking
progeny haven't crawled out
the woodwork sooner.
I hope you don't
think I'm a stalker or anything.
I just... I found you online.
And saw you outside the garage and
just headed there and then
when the boys got there,
I just completely f*cking shat my
knickers, I didn't know what to say.
You do remind me of him, actually.
What do you think
they're talking about now?
I don't know. Well it'll dad stuff
won't it. A bit of common ground.
They've got the same dad?
Yes. I mean f*ck me, why do you
think she's here, you d*ck head.
That's... I know that, sorry.
I, wrong...
They've got the same dad, as in,
'oh my god
they've got the same dad'.
Can you believe. Can you believe
they've got the same dad.
It's like my intonation.
Shut up!
She always wanted a sister,
you know, when she was younger.
They seem nice, your mates.
Yeah. They're great.
f*ck off.
So I take it from the accent that
you're not from round here?
No. Er Liverpool.
Erm, I'm staying in a hostel
in town, though, the-
The Hawley Backpackers?
Oh Jesus. That's a sh*thole.
That's where I were conceived,
you know.
You can take Sugar's old room, OK?
She's still got some stuff in there,
that she needs to take to JJ's,
so if it gets in your way,
just shove it in a corner.
Thanks. This is so nice of you.
Well I can't have you telling
your mates that you met your sister
and she let you catch skin mites.
Plus you don't seem like
a raving lunatic.
Yeah well that's what you think.
This bag's full of hammers.
Oh good.
You can hang some pictures up
for me, then can't ya.
Er, Tyler?
Plus, being a lunatic runs in
the family. So you're alright.
Right, OK, so this is Amy.
She's a friend. And she's gonna be
staying with us for a few days.
Yeah?
Hi.
Oh.
That's kids for you in it.
Sorry, why Marsh Gardens?
Because they've had this
massive f*cking upgrade,
and there's all these
rare, exotic plants.
And this year's new centre piece,
yeah.
Is a Shakespeare's Sister rose bush.
That flower is the most expensive
flower in the world.
Yeah. It's all well and good
stealing it, but let's be honest,
it's not worth anything unless
we can shift it.
Already sorted.
You remember my cousin's wedding?
Well, that was pretty small fish
for us frying, boys, yeah.
I know plenty of Bridezillas
who'd k*ll for those roses.
For real.
JJ, the golden child.
The Goodless squire.
The Goodless Squires a good one.
Anyway. Shut up.
Ash, give over.
He's found a buyer alright.
She's a blushing bride.
She's willing to pay up to
five grand
for three f*cking stems.
Jesus sake she
must be off her rocker this bird.
Five grand?
Do you know what,
she actually isn't.
And I'm a bit scared of her.
This is
the biggest day of my life
and you want me walking down the
aisle with flowers that look like
they were nicked from a f*cking
lamp post after a car accident?
Ah. Ah! Ah!
f*ck, quick open the door,
let some draft in.
f*cking hell.
Oh well that's not ideal, is it?
Are those the cakes for mine
and Albie's stall?
No. These are practice ones.
You said you'd come and do
my reading with me?
Oh baby.
I need, I need to clear all this up,
and I've got paperwork to do for the
centre before your dad gets here.
Can we do it later? Yeah?
Oh well I can go and read with him
for a bit if you want?
Yeh?
It's really boring.
School gave it me.
Do you like school?
Me neither.
Have you read this?
Charlotte's web.
Picked it up at a charity shop.
My mum used to read it to me
as a kid.
What's it about?
A spider.
I bet you're scared of spiders.
No I'm not.
Hmm, OK.
But are you scared of pigs?
"Charlotte stopped.
"A moment later
a tear came to Wilbur's eye.
"'Oh Charlotte,' he said,
"'to think that
when I first met you...'"
I can't believe how good he is.
I know. He's so good.
I always worried.
Hmm.
That he'd end up like me.
How do you mean?
Not very academic, you know.
Vin,
he is like you.
But all the best ways.
Tell me some of the best ways.
What now?
Right now.
It's very important.
Oh to think. Er...
Can't think of one can you?
Oh, I just need more time.
Alright, handsome?
Alright, I'll give you that one.
Brilliant hairline.
This can't be right?
No, well,
JJ's been and checked it.
He said it needs rewiring,
the whole thing needs rewiring,
before it gets a f*cking refit,
Right well. There's no way
the fundraisers gonna raise
that sort of money is it?
I mean, we'll help.
But f*cking hell.
Hm.
How's Amy?
Yeah, she really sweet.
Does she have a Mum?
Er no. No, she died about
eight years ago, bless her.
How are you feeling about it?
Well,
it is a bit of a head f*ck,
I'm not gonna lie.
But she's not Ronnie.
Thank f*ck.
So.
Pyramid Song ♪
Oh, hey.
Hello.
Oh, err. Just erm...
Coming along nicely.
Er, do you want something?
I was hoping to talk to Vincent.
Yeah erm... He's, he's, he's busy.
I'll wait.
You can tell me.
I'll, I'll pass it on.
Dylan.
Such a lovely name.
Lyrical.
Means 'Son of the Ocean'.
Do you like the ocean?
I- I don't really have
a strong opinion.
I'm a big fan.
Coral.
Squid.
Eels.
I love it all.
Great.
Do you want a bottle of pop?
Thank you.
Can't tempt you?
Yeah go on.
My mum used to make them
and sell them at the market.
But by the time she was retired,
she had bloody witchy claw fingers.
Oh erm,
I forgot to tell you,
we're taking you out tonight.
Where we going?
Um, the Vortex Lounge?
I mean it is pretty disgusting
but the drinks are cheap and
the music's really good, so...
It's erm,
it's not dressy is it?
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Hm?
Too see-though.
This can't be yours?
It's my maternity dress.
Ooh!
Ah, OK, yeah.
That is my prom dress.
Vinnie nicked it from
this snobby shop in town.
The women refused to serve me.
Cheeky b*tch.
And I had the money, as well.
So Vinnie is your boyfriend then?
No....
I like this one?
Yes. I love that one.
Perfect.
All I'm saying is presumably,
by this point,
Tyler can look after himself
can he not?
No, he's a bloody child
int he.
Listen, it's an opportunity
for Dyl and Tyler
to just chill out together a bit.
They f*cking miss each other.
You know what I mean.
f*cking JJ.
Do you know what you fat-
swear to God.
Do you know your f*cking friend was
supposed to have unlocked it?
Darren got the f*cking date wrong.
He's read it as month first,
day second. Like bloody American's.
Well is he American then?
Is he f*ck.
He's from the Forest of Dean.
Forest of Dean.
It's a very nice part of the world.
Is it? Where is it?
Area of outstanding natural beauty.
You shut up you.
Now we're gonna have to
find another way in.
Get in the- Get in the f*cking van.
Just f*cking typical.
f*cking hell. f*cking Darren.
Darren of Dean
All done. Come on.
Hey, I'm just saying, right.
If I'm gonna be abseiling in future
I'd like to know in advance.
Alright you. Come on.
Look I-I-I don't want to.
Eh? Cardi, come on man.
You've been in worst scrapes
than this, dude.
I've got responsibilities now.
I've got Carol.
I-I-I promised her I'd protect them.
My t-t-testicles.
Mate, I'm asking
you to climb down a wall,
not use your d*ck as a death slide.
Yeah, but I keep bashing them
on things.
I seen the doctor about it.
Well go on then, what did he say?
He said, Cardi stop
bashing them on things.
Well he will do, won't he?
Listen, just go
and wait in the f*cking van then.
Go and play snake or somert.
Are you angry with me?
No. Dude I'm just cross. Cos you-
because you're sensitive.
Sometimes you can be
hard work, Cardi. Very.
I'm coming down.
Good lad. Now listen before
you do just make be sure-
Nailed it. Come on.
Right.
So, there is a grounds keeper,
but he just sits and watches porn
in his cottage.
Right. Living the dream.
Hey, God sake.
f*cking look at his place, man.
f*ck me. This is amazing.
Right. The trick...
What the hell you doing?
What the f*ck is wrong with you.
Knobhead.
Come 'ed.
Right. I'll meet you there?
I've got some business.
What do you mean business?
You haven't got any business in
a f*cking Victorian green house
for God sake dude.
I have got business, mate.
Why ya... What,
is it for the f*ck truck?
No. No. No. No. Nothing mucky.
Nothing mucky, right,
I've looked online.
They've got peyote.
Wolves?
It's a f*cking Coyote you dickhead.
It's a cactus with psychoactive
compound. Namely, mescaline.
Actually, could we take fifteen?
Cos I'd love to get some cuttings.
- Would ya?
- Yeah I need a poo.
And you need a poo.
Do you know, alright fair enough.
Let's just find the reception first.
Cos they have maps.
Do you know that way we won't get
f*cking lost in this place.
- They have headphones.
- Yeah.
Don't they?
So we'll know what were looking at.
Be easier to find the rose bush!
You f*cking idiots!
No, it's a very, very
serious robbery dude.
You know there's a lot of prep
been put into this.
f*cking get your heads
in the game. OK?
Yes?
Fair enough.
Let's just f*ck it off for a bit.
We'll meet in 15 minutes
by the rose bush, yeah?
Fifteen.
Will you come with me for a poo?
Yeah dude.
Why can't you poo at home man?
I poo at home. I poo here.
Liar, Liar ♪
Do you know what exactly
we're after here?
I do yes. We're looking
for a type of cactus.
That's not very specific, Tommo?
What?
I thought that was some,
someone man just standing there.
That were a man?
A very thin man going like that.
Ahah what are you looking at?
Yeah. What is that
French or somert- yeah.
Check this out
Shut up you dickhead.
My foots stuck onto it.
Gently!
f*cking Cobra Kai'ing it
you knobhead.
f*ck sake.
What the f*ck
did you expect from that, eh?
Round housing it, you mad bastard.
I'm wearing desert boots,
I thought they would be grand!
It's gone straight through,
han't it?
You have to piss on it, don't ya?
No that's jelly fish.
Mate, that is jellyfish.
♪ If you don't wanna see me
♪ Did a full 180
♪ Crazy... ♪
So let me get this right.
You're married to... Cardi?
That's correct. That prize
stallion is off the market.
And you, you're going out with JJ?
Yes.
And that means I never have to pay
for my full body M.O.T.
if you know what I mean?
Course we knows
what you mean, now, sugar, like.
f*cking children on the street
know what you mean.
And you used to go out with Dylan,
but Vinnie is Tyler's dad?
But that's not a thing anymore.
That's... that's done.
Then, yeah.
So is there anyone in the group
you haven't like...
Tommo.
Get it myself, dickhead.
Christ on a bike.
What have you f*cking done
to your foot?
He's fine. He's fine. Aren't you?
Might just need a tetanus jab.
I'm not doing any needles,
I don't like 'em.
Your foot looks like a bog brush.
Can we just get on with this?
Hang on no. There's a break
glass alarms weeper?
A glass break alarm weeper.
I know what it f*cking means.
We're not gonna break the glass.
Implements. You know what I mean?
He knows his onions doesn't he?
He does know his onions, this lad.
That, actually quite impressive.
Yes. That is impressive. Go on JJ.
Dude.
Massive in it.
f*cking lads.
Unbelievable, I'm just,
I'm wondering though.
How we're gonna get that rose
through that f*cking hole there.
Shit that's not good. Not good.
f*ck. f*ck. No. No. No.
Bad.
No! Shit.
Run away. Run away and leave it.
Someone grab the bush!
Afro-Left ♪
Yeah, see he's asleep now.
Now to relax and enjoy myself.
What was he like? Dad?
Er charming,
funny, very funny.
Er,
a total f*cking liability.
What was he like with you?
He left when I was born.
Erm, he used to pop round
on birthdays.
Or what he thought was my birthday.
Mum said he never got it right.
Last time was Christmas,
when I was five.
Erm, he gave me a used football.
And never saw him again.
Yeah, he loved football.
Promised to teach me and our Ronnie
but never got round to it.
He didn't leave because of you,
You don't know that.
No I do.
I do because
I felt exactly the same,
until I realised
it's never about us.
Always about them. Cheers.
He left because he's a shit dad.
But, we wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for him.
So, to shit dads.
To shit dads-
No. No. No.
To our shit dad.
Cheers.
It's like Narnia.
No entry, no entry.
Less of the f*cking noise,
you bloody lemon heads. Come on.
This is the quickest way boys.
Just smash our way out the back.
Erin was sh1tting herself.
I thought I'd
f*cking k*lled him that's why.
She went over to him a few times
for good measure,
just to make sure the job was done.
Your face!
Right, no, listen right, yes,
I accidentally run over
his head a few times.
That is true. It's true.
It was really funny.
It f*cking was not funny!
f*cking hell. And then you
buried him when he was still alive?
No. No. No. We didn't know
he was still alive, like.
We're not psychopaths.
Look, look,
all you need to know right,
we didn't, we didn't k*ll anybody.
Shush.
So Keithy's fine then?
It was roped off because
it was poisonous.
Oh no, no, no, no.
The door, the door...
It's basically roped off
because it was poisonous.
Jeez. Man. Yep.
Thanks JJ. I'm aware of that now.
Itching. Oh man, my knee
is on fire. It burns so much .
Wait, will ya?
This is worse than crabs...
Oh f*ck me. Oh shit!
You lads f*cked
with the wrong guy
at the wrong time...
..with the wrong rose bush.
Eh?
Who the f*ck are you dude?
What you wearing, man?
Camouflaged with bloody high viz.
Do you wanna to be seen or not?
Shut up you f*cking flumped-
just give us the bush back.
I'm dead sorry, but I'd love to,
but we really f*cking need it, man.
Don't want you to give me
it back anyway.
Cos it means I get to use... this.
Oh f*ck me. Hey, oh.
That's a flashbang?
Yeah it's a flashbang.
Dude, that is a flashbang. Where'd
you get a f*cking flashbang from?
This. I got it
from Bitcoin, m*therf*cker.
Bitcoin, what he on about?
Dickhead.
- From bitcoin?
- It's in Peterborough in't it.
He said from Bitcoin.
It's a Krypso current.
It's a current, a basic exchange. It
isn't a shop. Bitcoin isn't a shop.
You just google it.
Yeah like a data.
Yeah you
get to bid on anonymous thing.
It's quite fun actually-
Anyway shut the f*ck up.
It's not a tea party.
I'm a bad arse m*therf*cker.
I'm about to blow your asses up.
I don't think you are
a badass m*therf*cker.
I mean you might be
a bit of a strange young man.
Shut up man. I'm badass!
You're not badass.
I am f*cking badass.
It's going down.
I don't think you should throw it.
No. No. No. No!
f*cking hell. Army overload.
Not so fast.
Oh I made a mistake.
Hello? Hello.
I'm here. I'm here.
Take that bush. Oi.
Are you alright? I am here.
Hello?
Oi. Oi.
I've f*cked myself.
I know.
I've totally f*cked myself.
Oi. I know you have.
f*ck off. f*ck off!
What you slapping me for?
I'll chop you the f*ck back.
Oi. Settle down. Oi.
Somert's burning.
Listen.
I can smell biscuits. I can't hear.
Listen. It'll pass.
It'll pass. You'll hear again.
I can't hear anything?
I know that. It'll pass.
You want my address?
I don't want your address-
Get hold of that.
I tell you what.
I can't taste anything.
Oh God.
What would Andy Mcnab do?
I'm sorry we're leaving you
like this, man.
This is not how we like to do it.
I've just done my territorial
application.
Have ya? Just...
Let's just leave him.
Don't tell anyone about the night.
I won't.
Alright cheers lads.
Alright dude. Sorry.
Bring it home.
Bring it home. I'm on a beach.
We sail on
the beach. Think of your training.
I can feel the water on me fins.
Oh, so good.
Sorry.
You're one of us!
Babe. I hate that dress.
Did you have a good night?
I've had the best f*cking night.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
Not in the chips.
Outside. Outside. Quick.
Don't you nick my chips,
you cheeky b*tch.
I will eat your chips,
you cheeky cow.
Pavement pizza, it is?
Oh my God.
How come you haven't
got a hangover?
Honestly, I feel like a b*mb has
just exploded inside my head.
I don't think I've got
anything left in me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind? Tyler
said he wanted some sausages.
There's plenty left?
No. No.
I just want a cup of tea
and I want some paracetamol.
Oh, let me.
In that cupboard there,
next to the plasters.
So is Amy my aunty?
Yeah. Yeah. She is.
Brill. Her sausages are
well better than yours.
Oi.
Cheeky thing. Go and pack
your school bag. Go on.
I still haven't sorted out
Tyler's cakes for the fundraiser.
Well you've got me to help.
Although I am absolutely
shite at baking.
Spoken like a true Croft.
No I just hate letting him down,
I told you not to call me at work,
you stupid cow.
Do you know him?
Amy?
I'm In The Mood For Ska ♪
Go. Go. Go!
Last one.
Hmm. I've got somert for you.
It's dad's old wallet.
I mean he was an arsehole. But
you should have something of his.
Are you sure?
That's Dad with me and our Ronnie
in Blackpool.
God we loved it there.
You OK??
It's just weird, you know,
seeing him with another family.
Come here.
Daydream ♪
Can you pass me that by there?
Oh he's done it!
♪ Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
f*ck you Linda.
It's three quid to get in Vinnie.
No dude, no.
Three quid.
It's not...
Listen now. You listen here.
I've been out to f*cking get drinks.
Are you gonna pay up?
Or do I need to
get management over?
Piece of work
Linda. A piece of work.
You're... A...
Piece of work...
You... Knob head.
You love me really.
I do love you.
Can you bring me a lemonade
when you're done? No.
Get your lovely f*cking chickens.
Fresh eggs in the morning
and all that shit.
Oi, stop shouting f*cking chickens.
There's one child right there.
You dickhead.
And you can't sell all these
chickens for 40 f*cking quid?
You can't sell a chicken for
Chickens for 40 pounds?
Oh come 'ed.
I've been after some chickens.
Er... I grow my own potatoes.
Of course you f*cking do.
And I bet
they taste f*cking magical.
Now then,
you're gonna need at least six,
if you wanna do this properly.
Because chickens are pack animals.
And you don't want them
pinning for each other.
I don't need any
specialist equipment, do I?
For chickens? No.
They'll be happy
in a cardboard box in the garage.
Well I have both of those.
So I'll take all six.
Do you take cards?
Cards?
Do I look like
a f*cking pop-up taco van?
Great British Pound notes,
is what I want in my hand,
not some piece of f*cking plastic
made in China
that tells Bill f*cking Gates
and them other space c**ts
when I last had a pint and a pasty.
I'll er, pick them up later?
Thank you, Sir.
f*cking easy.
f*cking gob shite.
Hey, his chickens are c**ts.
Oi, his chickens are c**ts.
Stop shouting c**ts!
That c**t started it.
f*ck bro,
this looks really depressing.
S-s-suspiciously Cheap Meat?
It's a joke.
Because I'm an undertaker.
So they'll think they're buying
burgers made from dead nannas.
And have you sold much, have you?
None.
It's not lucky then is it. Gross.
It's not really made of
n-n-nanna mince, though are they?
Do you know what I mean...?
Actually d-don't answer that.
We'll have two.
What's this a mince bag?
Mince bag? Mince bag?
What the f*ck is a mince bag?
Who puts an entire human
amount of mince in a bag?
Think about it.
It's a...
Body bag?
There you go...
Don't just go senselessly
naming things. Mince bag?
f*ck me.
Alright.
It's still a weird f*cking thing
to bring to a fundraiser,
innit, you know what I mean?
It's a body bag dude.
Look at Pat.
She's f*cked.
There is business everywhere,
my friend.
Business everywhere.
Don't you throw cheese at me.
Throw cheese. Throw cheese at him.
Get away from me you d*ck.
I'm taking a doughnut.
What you talking about?
That's bread.
f*ck off!
Oh, I'm going now.
Thank you Gary.
It's ridiculous.
That one's got a sore arse. Vin.
Oh you made it.
Of course we did Sandra.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Why they here?
I don't know.
Our Barry loves a tombola.
Won a whole Dundee cake, once.
Great success. Great success.
Oh yes.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thanks Ames.
How much did you take in the end?
Er, 15 hundred, 32 pound,
What arsehole gave you buttons?
Who do you think?
Shirley?
Yep.
Oh prick.
I know, dickhead.
Oh shit!
Oh Sugar!
What's that. Amy and your dad?
Except it isn't, is it?
What's going on?
Have you been lying to me?
No I...
I-I didn't know and then...
..saw the photo
in your dad's wallet.
One minute.
So you saw the picture of my Dad,
you realised it wasn't the same guy
and, and you didn't say anything?
No, it wasn't like that. I tried-
You could have told me the truth
but you-you chose not to.
No I tried.
But Tyler was there and I was...
I wanted to tell you, but I...
See I trusted you.
I let you into my home,
and Tyler, and you
were taking the piss out of me?
I just...
..I didn't want it to not be true.
Well it's not true is it?
You're just some f*cking stranger
aren't ya.
Why, why have I got such
a shit family?
Seriously!
I've got a shit dad,
shit brother, shi...
..shit...
..shit you.
Oh, you fucker.
What the f*ck is that, JJ?
Alright. You said you wanted
Shakespeare's Sister Roses!
In a bouquet, you melt,
not the f*cking shrub.
I'm getting married in three days
and I don't need this
kind of f*cking stress!
Arsehole.
Ohh.
Dude you've just gone all
Deidre Barlow, you're that cross.
Chill out a bit.
He's worked his arse off
getting these roses here. Yeah.
His thigh beard and gooch
is just riddled in rash.
Terrible, it's fierce!
Yeah. Alright mate listen.
Let me just handle this. Very sore.
OK. Hey.
Do you want them or not?
Vin, will you pop in Barraclough
Road into the sat nav for me please.
Absolutely I will.
Barraclough Road?
Oh yeah. Shivani Paswan
wants a look as well.
That little bastard. No chance.
How much?
It's five grand. Like I said.
And I want everything.
Even the roots.
She's not growing her own bush
and waving it about at
my baby's Namakarana Sanskar.
Hurry up then. Move!
Alright Uncle.
She's f*cking horrible dude.
You poor bastard.
Yeah, she's here in park.
Right. See you soon.
Vin's on his way.
It's good news though. He's got
the money for the community centre,
so...
That's good.
You can't blame your life choices.
No. Not really.
Remember that story that I told ya.
When I was little and my dad asked
me what I wanted for my birthday.
Do you remember what I said?
- Baby sister.
Obviously, it was never
going to happen, I mean,
he f*cked off for God sake.
But Amy came along...
And suddenly it didn't-
it didn't matter you know,
how much of a dickhead he'd was,
when I was growing up.
Because at least my dad gave me her.
Are you positive that Amy
just didn't make a mistake?
You know, it's not like none of us,
have ever made mistakes before.
I just let myself believe it,
Just carried away with
the whole thing.
That's what I'm saying,
this random moment has happened
and-and you've gone with it.
It's a good thing, you know.
You found this girl, you wanted her
to be part of your life.
It's not a mistake.
That's a connection with someone.
Do you think she's gone?
Well...
..there's only one way to find out.
Coming?
Erm...
..nah you should go with Vin.
I- I'm gonna take a walk.
OK.
Two min.
I've called a taxi.
I'll be out your hair soon.
Come and wait inside.
It's freezing.
I swear to God,
I thought you were my Erin Croft.
Your dad's name was Neil,
you were the right age.
We look alike.
It was only when I saw the photo,
I...
..I realised I'd got it wrong.
When I first found out
I had a sister,
I kind of imagined
what she might be like.
And then I met you.
And I just... I couldn't
believe how lucky I was.
After having no one.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the only one in this
but I made it about me.
And I shouldn't have said
the things I said to you.
I was a dickhead.
I was scared and defensive.
You don't have to leave, you know.
I don't want you to leave.
I don't really wanna either.
But there is another Erin Croft
out there and I want to find her.
She's the only family I've got left.
I wish you were my real sister.
Me too. Come here.
Amy.
You might not have any
family here now,
but you do have friends, OK?
Oh will you er,
give this to Tyler
when he gets back from Albie's?
And this is erm... This is for you.
Thanks.
Look after yourself, yeah.
Pictures Of You ♪
♪ ..at these pictures of you
♪ That I almost believe
that they're real
♪ I've been living so long
with my pictures of you
♪ That I almost believe that
the pictures
♪ Are all I can feel ... ♪
They run a m*rder Mystery night
once a month,
you'd have access
to the entire house.
These old things are solid.
You're all
playing f*cking parts here...
He cries when he masturbates.
Could he be the m*rder*r?
I'd like you to host a poker night
for some friends of mine.
Sod off. Sod off leave me alone.
Ah a secret book door.
Don't panic.
I'm just gonna-
Don't f*cking breath on you.
Why?
Just onions innit, and egg.
Yeah.
I had onion and egg for breakfast
with a bit of tomatoes.
It's Mediterranean.
Hush up. Listen.
Your breath is terrible now.
And look where we are.
You're such a breathy talker.
You f*cking
Hi everyone,
I am Ashely.
I have had Mediterranean
for breakfast.
What am I supposed to have
for breakfast?
f*ck off man.
Your man said
this was a stupid idea.
One of Tommo's shag wagon...
f*ck truck. Erotic parlour.
One of his clients is a very rich
Swedish businessman. Right.
And he carries a bag full of cash
wi' him, everywhere he goes.
- Including into our sessions.
- Ow! I'm sorry mother.
So what you want us
to f*cking swipe it mid spank?
Ow, yes! Yes.
It's a bit more complicated
than that, you see.
The cash is very closely integrated
into the roll play itself.
It's er sort of er,
Freudian, y'know.
However, tomorrow morning
he's asked for my services
in a hotel room, right?
So what I'm thinking is,
you lot distract his bodyguard.
Pencil Full Of Lead ♪
You alright?
I think I'm having a heart attack.
One of you swoops in
and nicks the bag as fast as...
..sabre skin.
Niche reference. Course.
Where will you be waiting until
the Bodyguard gets out of the way?
Broom cupboard.
Do you know what I mean?
Ash.
Fantastic.
I mean that's a stupid idea.
It's actually a brilliant idea.
Right?
Oh shit. Let's do this.
Hang on dude. Stop!
It's only 1-2 f*cking 6.
It's 126, I'm telling ya. Go on.
Oh. No! Masked invaders.
Tommo what you wearing that for
f*ck!
Oh, he's f*cking massive!
No. No. No!
There's f*cking scented oils,
Thomas.
Why is he so slippy.
I've never seen them in my life.
I have never seen them
before in my life.
What do you think? I can't offer up
a dry massage, can I Vin?
Oh, sorry, Boss.
Gentlemen, uh, carry on.
Thank you!
The g*n!
Big g*n. Bang bang.
It stinks of lavender man.
You get it?
Hold on. Hold on. I drop a bag.
Let's go.
About f*cking time.
f*cking professional thieves.
Well you've joined us
at the right time, pet.
I've been managing this centre
for twenty years
and we've never had to
cut our cloth so tight.
Me and our Ronnie used to come
here when we were little.
And there was always some er,
hot chocolate and biscuits.
It meant a lot to us.
That's why, I thought it's good to
do the fundraiser you know,
to give something back?
Oh yeah.
Hiyah.
Between you and me, Erin, love,
we're gonna need more
than a jumble sale.
I mean we've barely got enough money
to keep this place going.
Let alone do it up.
Erin and Ronnie?
Is Ronnie Croft your brother?
Oh God. Yeah.
Why what did he nick?
My Ted found him making off with all
the toilet rolls a few years back.
Well, he tried.
He got locked in over
bank holiday weekend, poor love.
Yeah, that sounds like our Ronnie.
You can't choose your family.
No you can't!
Do you mean it's where
they k-k-keep trees and that?
It says
Marsh f*cking Gardens?
Marsh Gardens is a f*cking sh*thole.
It is a sh*thole.
And it's also dangerous.
Boiled Ham Sam got nailed to
a bench there last Christmas.
Boiled Ham Sam
nailed himself to the f*cking bench
because he's a complete moron.
Do you know how it happened?
JJ, do you happen to
have a garage cat?
No.
What's a garage cat?
Well it's a cat that lives
in a f*cking garage int it.
Well that's just a cat surely?
Mearow.
Get a f*cking w*apon you bellend.
Shh!
No. They f*cking know we're here.
Right, now, listen.
If you are a garage cat,
you better say somert right now.
Look no-ones gonna hurt you.
Just put 'em down.
Put 'em down a little bit.
No one gonna hurt ya.
Just, come on out.
Come on.
Sorry the, the door was open and
it's raining. So...
Are you alright?
You lot know Erin Croft, right?
Who's asking?
I'm Amy Croft.
I think she's my sister.
I've got a sister?
I know. I had no idea either.
When did you find out?
Two weeks ago.
When my nan died. Of cancer.
Well she had cancer,
but then it cleared up,
then she felt really poorly
so they booked in another scan
but she never made it.
Postman just spotted her through
the curtains, lying there.
I cleared out her bungalow
for the council
because she was a real hoarder
and I found these letters
from my dad to my mum saying
how much he missed his little girl
Erin and...
I'm babbling aren't I, yeah?
I babble when I'm nervous.
Do you babble?
It's just a bit of
a surprise to be here.
I can't believe she's got
a half sister.
Oh come off it,
Neil Croft was a prolific vag hand.
Surprised more of his f*cking
progeny haven't crawled out
the woodwork sooner.
I hope you don't
think I'm a stalker or anything.
I just... I found you online.
And saw you outside the garage and
just headed there and then
when the boys got there,
I just completely f*cking shat my
knickers, I didn't know what to say.
You do remind me of him, actually.
What do you think
they're talking about now?
I don't know. Well it'll dad stuff
won't it. A bit of common ground.
They've got the same dad?
Yes. I mean f*ck me, why do you
think she's here, you d*ck head.
That's... I know that, sorry.
I, wrong...
They've got the same dad, as in,
'oh my god
they've got the same dad'.
Can you believe. Can you believe
they've got the same dad.
It's like my intonation.
Shut up!
She always wanted a sister,
you know, when she was younger.
They seem nice, your mates.
Yeah. They're great.
f*ck off.
So I take it from the accent that
you're not from round here?
No. Er Liverpool.
Erm, I'm staying in a hostel
in town, though, the-
The Hawley Backpackers?
Oh Jesus. That's a sh*thole.
That's where I were conceived,
you know.
You can take Sugar's old room, OK?
She's still got some stuff in there,
that she needs to take to JJ's,
so if it gets in your way,
just shove it in a corner.
Thanks. This is so nice of you.
Well I can't have you telling
your mates that you met your sister
and she let you catch skin mites.
Plus you don't seem like
a raving lunatic.
Yeah well that's what you think.
This bag's full of hammers.
Oh good.
You can hang some pictures up
for me, then can't ya.
Er, Tyler?
Plus, being a lunatic runs in
the family. So you're alright.
Right, OK, so this is Amy.
She's a friend. And she's gonna be
staying with us for a few days.
Yeah?
Hi.
Oh.
That's kids for you in it.
Sorry, why Marsh Gardens?
Because they've had this
massive f*cking upgrade,
and there's all these
rare, exotic plants.
And this year's new centre piece,
yeah.
Is a Shakespeare's Sister rose bush.
That flower is the most expensive
flower in the world.
Yeah. It's all well and good
stealing it, but let's be honest,
it's not worth anything unless
we can shift it.
Already sorted.
You remember my cousin's wedding?
Well, that was pretty small fish
for us frying, boys, yeah.
I know plenty of Bridezillas
who'd k*ll for those roses.
For real.
JJ, the golden child.
The Goodless squire.
The Goodless Squires a good one.
Anyway. Shut up.
Ash, give over.
He's found a buyer alright.
She's a blushing bride.
She's willing to pay up to
five grand
for three f*cking stems.
Jesus sake she
must be off her rocker this bird.
Five grand?
Do you know what,
she actually isn't.
And I'm a bit scared of her.
This is
the biggest day of my life
and you want me walking down the
aisle with flowers that look like
they were nicked from a f*cking
lamp post after a car accident?
Ah. Ah! Ah!
f*ck, quick open the door,
let some draft in.
f*cking hell.
Oh well that's not ideal, is it?
Are those the cakes for mine
and Albie's stall?
No. These are practice ones.
You said you'd come and do
my reading with me?
Oh baby.
I need, I need to clear all this up,
and I've got paperwork to do for the
centre before your dad gets here.
Can we do it later? Yeah?
Oh well I can go and read with him
for a bit if you want?
Yeh?
It's really boring.
School gave it me.
Do you like school?
Me neither.
Have you read this?
Charlotte's web.
Picked it up at a charity shop.
My mum used to read it to me
as a kid.
What's it about?
A spider.
I bet you're scared of spiders.
No I'm not.
Hmm, OK.
But are you scared of pigs?
"Charlotte stopped.
"A moment later
a tear came to Wilbur's eye.
"'Oh Charlotte,' he said,
"'to think that
when I first met you...'"
I can't believe how good he is.
I know. He's so good.
I always worried.
Hmm.
That he'd end up like me.
How do you mean?
Not very academic, you know.
Vin,
he is like you.
But all the best ways.
Tell me some of the best ways.
What now?
Right now.
It's very important.
Oh to think. Er...
Can't think of one can you?
Oh, I just need more time.
Alright, handsome?
Alright, I'll give you that one.
Brilliant hairline.
This can't be right?
No, well,
JJ's been and checked it.
He said it needs rewiring,
the whole thing needs rewiring,
before it gets a f*cking refit,
Right well. There's no way
the fundraisers gonna raise
that sort of money is it?
I mean, we'll help.
But f*cking hell.
Hm.
How's Amy?
Yeah, she really sweet.
Does she have a Mum?
Er no. No, she died about
eight years ago, bless her.
How are you feeling about it?
Well,
it is a bit of a head f*ck,
I'm not gonna lie.
But she's not Ronnie.
Thank f*ck.
So.
Pyramid Song ♪
Oh, hey.
Hello.
Oh, err. Just erm...
Coming along nicely.
Er, do you want something?
I was hoping to talk to Vincent.
Yeah erm... He's, he's, he's busy.
I'll wait.
You can tell me.
I'll, I'll pass it on.
Dylan.
Such a lovely name.
Lyrical.
Means 'Son of the Ocean'.
Do you like the ocean?
I- I don't really have
a strong opinion.
I'm a big fan.
Coral.
Squid.
Eels.
I love it all.
Great.
Do you want a bottle of pop?
Thank you.
Can't tempt you?
Yeah go on.
My mum used to make them
and sell them at the market.
But by the time she was retired,
she had bloody witchy claw fingers.
Oh erm,
I forgot to tell you,
we're taking you out tonight.
Where we going?
Um, the Vortex Lounge?
I mean it is pretty disgusting
but the drinks are cheap and
the music's really good, so...
It's erm,
it's not dressy is it?
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Hm?
Too see-though.
This can't be yours?
It's my maternity dress.
Ooh!
Ah, OK, yeah.
That is my prom dress.
Vinnie nicked it from
this snobby shop in town.
The women refused to serve me.
Cheeky b*tch.
And I had the money, as well.
So Vinnie is your boyfriend then?
No....
I like this one?
Yes. I love that one.
Perfect.
All I'm saying is presumably,
by this point,
Tyler can look after himself
can he not?
No, he's a bloody child
int he.
Listen, it's an opportunity
for Dyl and Tyler
to just chill out together a bit.
They f*cking miss each other.
You know what I mean.
f*cking JJ.
Do you know what you fat-
swear to God.
Do you know your f*cking friend was
supposed to have unlocked it?
Darren got the f*cking date wrong.
He's read it as month first,
day second. Like bloody American's.
Well is he American then?
Is he f*ck.
He's from the Forest of Dean.
Forest of Dean.
It's a very nice part of the world.
Is it? Where is it?
Area of outstanding natural beauty.
You shut up you.
Now we're gonna have to
find another way in.
Get in the- Get in the f*cking van.
Just f*cking typical.
f*cking hell. f*cking Darren.
Darren of Dean
All done. Come on.
Hey, I'm just saying, right.
If I'm gonna be abseiling in future
I'd like to know in advance.
Alright you. Come on.
Look I-I-I don't want to.
Eh? Cardi, come on man.
You've been in worst scrapes
than this, dude.
I've got responsibilities now.
I've got Carol.
I-I-I promised her I'd protect them.
My t-t-testicles.
Mate, I'm asking
you to climb down a wall,
not use your d*ck as a death slide.
Yeah, but I keep bashing them
on things.
I seen the doctor about it.
Well go on then, what did he say?
He said, Cardi stop
bashing them on things.
Well he will do, won't he?
Listen, just go
and wait in the f*cking van then.
Go and play snake or somert.
Are you angry with me?
No. Dude I'm just cross. Cos you-
because you're sensitive.
Sometimes you can be
hard work, Cardi. Very.
I'm coming down.
Good lad. Now listen before
you do just make be sure-
Nailed it. Come on.
Right.
So, there is a grounds keeper,
but he just sits and watches porn
in his cottage.
Right. Living the dream.
Hey, God sake.
f*cking look at his place, man.
f*ck me. This is amazing.
Right. The trick...
What the hell you doing?
What the f*ck is wrong with you.
Knobhead.
Come 'ed.
Right. I'll meet you there?
I've got some business.
What do you mean business?
You haven't got any business in
a f*cking Victorian green house
for God sake dude.
I have got business, mate.
Why ya... What,
is it for the f*ck truck?
No. No. No. No. Nothing mucky.
Nothing mucky, right,
I've looked online.
They've got peyote.
Wolves?
It's a f*cking Coyote you dickhead.
It's a cactus with psychoactive
compound. Namely, mescaline.
Actually, could we take fifteen?
Cos I'd love to get some cuttings.
- Would ya?
- Yeah I need a poo.
And you need a poo.
Do you know, alright fair enough.
Let's just find the reception first.
Cos they have maps.
Do you know that way we won't get
f*cking lost in this place.
- They have headphones.
- Yeah.
Don't they?
So we'll know what were looking at.
Be easier to find the rose bush!
You f*cking idiots!
No, it's a very, very
serious robbery dude.
You know there's a lot of prep
been put into this.
f*cking get your heads
in the game. OK?
Yes?
Fair enough.
Let's just f*ck it off for a bit.
We'll meet in 15 minutes
by the rose bush, yeah?
Fifteen.
Will you come with me for a poo?
Yeah dude.
Why can't you poo at home man?
I poo at home. I poo here.
Liar, Liar ♪
Do you know what exactly
we're after here?
I do yes. We're looking
for a type of cactus.
That's not very specific, Tommo?
What?
I thought that was some,
someone man just standing there.
That were a man?
A very thin man going like that.
Ahah what are you looking at?
Yeah. What is that
French or somert- yeah.
Check this out
Shut up you dickhead.
My foots stuck onto it.
Gently!
f*cking Cobra Kai'ing it
you knobhead.
f*ck sake.
What the f*ck
did you expect from that, eh?
Round housing it, you mad bastard.
I'm wearing desert boots,
I thought they would be grand!
It's gone straight through,
han't it?
You have to piss on it, don't ya?
No that's jelly fish.
Mate, that is jellyfish.
♪ If you don't wanna see me
♪ Did a full 180
♪ Crazy... ♪
So let me get this right.
You're married to... Cardi?
That's correct. That prize
stallion is off the market.
And you, you're going out with JJ?
Yes.
And that means I never have to pay
for my full body M.O.T.
if you know what I mean?
Course we knows
what you mean, now, sugar, like.
f*cking children on the street
know what you mean.
And you used to go out with Dylan,
but Vinnie is Tyler's dad?
But that's not a thing anymore.
That's... that's done.
Then, yeah.
So is there anyone in the group
you haven't like...
Tommo.
Get it myself, dickhead.
Christ on a bike.
What have you f*cking done
to your foot?
He's fine. He's fine. Aren't you?
Might just need a tetanus jab.
I'm not doing any needles,
I don't like 'em.
Your foot looks like a bog brush.
Can we just get on with this?
Hang on no. There's a break
glass alarms weeper?
A glass break alarm weeper.
I know what it f*cking means.
We're not gonna break the glass.
Implements. You know what I mean?
He knows his onions doesn't he?
He does know his onions, this lad.
That, actually quite impressive.
Yes. That is impressive. Go on JJ.
Dude.
Massive in it.
f*cking lads.
Unbelievable, I'm just,
I'm wondering though.
How we're gonna get that rose
through that f*cking hole there.
Shit that's not good. Not good.
f*ck. f*ck. No. No. No.
Bad.
No! Shit.
Run away. Run away and leave it.
Someone grab the bush!
Afro-Left ♪
Yeah, see he's asleep now.
Now to relax and enjoy myself.
What was he like? Dad?
Er charming,
funny, very funny.
Er,
a total f*cking liability.
What was he like with you?
He left when I was born.
Erm, he used to pop round
on birthdays.
Or what he thought was my birthday.
Mum said he never got it right.
Last time was Christmas,
when I was five.
Erm, he gave me a used football.
And never saw him again.
Yeah, he loved football.
Promised to teach me and our Ronnie
but never got round to it.
He didn't leave because of you,
You don't know that.
No I do.
I do because
I felt exactly the same,
until I realised
it's never about us.
Always about them. Cheers.
He left because he's a shit dad.
But, we wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for him.
So, to shit dads.
To shit dads-
No. No. No.
To our shit dad.
Cheers.
It's like Narnia.
No entry, no entry.
Less of the f*cking noise,
you bloody lemon heads. Come on.
This is the quickest way boys.
Just smash our way out the back.
Erin was sh1tting herself.
I thought I'd
f*cking k*lled him that's why.
She went over to him a few times
for good measure,
just to make sure the job was done.
Your face!
Right, no, listen right, yes,
I accidentally run over
his head a few times.
That is true. It's true.
It was really funny.
It f*cking was not funny!
f*cking hell. And then you
buried him when he was still alive?
No. No. No. We didn't know
he was still alive, like.
We're not psychopaths.
Look, look,
all you need to know right,
we didn't, we didn't k*ll anybody.
Shush.
So Keithy's fine then?
It was roped off because
it was poisonous.
Oh no, no, no, no.
The door, the door...
It's basically roped off
because it was poisonous.
Jeez. Man. Yep.
Thanks JJ. I'm aware of that now.
Itching. Oh man, my knee
is on fire. It burns so much .
Wait, will ya?
This is worse than crabs...
Oh f*ck me. Oh shit!
You lads f*cked
with the wrong guy
at the wrong time...
..with the wrong rose bush.
Eh?
Who the f*ck are you dude?
What you wearing, man?
Camouflaged with bloody high viz.
Do you wanna to be seen or not?
Shut up you f*cking flumped-
just give us the bush back.
I'm dead sorry, but I'd love to,
but we really f*cking need it, man.
Don't want you to give me
it back anyway.
Cos it means I get to use... this.
Oh f*ck me. Hey, oh.
That's a flashbang?
Yeah it's a flashbang.
Dude, that is a flashbang. Where'd
you get a f*cking flashbang from?
This. I got it
from Bitcoin, m*therf*cker.
Bitcoin, what he on about?
Dickhead.
- From bitcoin?
- It's in Peterborough in't it.
He said from Bitcoin.
It's a Krypso current.
It's a current, a basic exchange. It
isn't a shop. Bitcoin isn't a shop.
You just google it.
Yeah like a data.
Yeah you
get to bid on anonymous thing.
It's quite fun actually-
Anyway shut the f*ck up.
It's not a tea party.
I'm a bad arse m*therf*cker.
I'm about to blow your asses up.
I don't think you are
a badass m*therf*cker.
I mean you might be
a bit of a strange young man.
Shut up man. I'm badass!
You're not badass.
I am f*cking badass.
It's going down.
I don't think you should throw it.
No. No. No. No!
f*cking hell. Army overload.
Not so fast.
Oh I made a mistake.
Hello? Hello.
I'm here. I'm here.
Take that bush. Oi.
Are you alright? I am here.
Hello?
Oi. Oi.
I've f*cked myself.
I know.
I've totally f*cked myself.
Oi. I know you have.
f*ck off. f*ck off!
What you slapping me for?
I'll chop you the f*ck back.
Oi. Settle down. Oi.
Somert's burning.
Listen.
I can smell biscuits. I can't hear.
Listen. It'll pass.
It'll pass. You'll hear again.
I can't hear anything?
I know that. It'll pass.
You want my address?
I don't want your address-
Get hold of that.
I tell you what.
I can't taste anything.
Oh God.
What would Andy Mcnab do?
I'm sorry we're leaving you
like this, man.
This is not how we like to do it.
I've just done my territorial
application.
Have ya? Just...
Let's just leave him.
Don't tell anyone about the night.
I won't.
Alright cheers lads.
Alright dude. Sorry.
Bring it home.
Bring it home. I'm on a beach.
We sail on
the beach. Think of your training.
I can feel the water on me fins.
Oh, so good.
Sorry.
You're one of us!
Babe. I hate that dress.
Did you have a good night?
I've had the best f*cking night.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
Not in the chips.
Outside. Outside. Quick.
Don't you nick my chips,
you cheeky b*tch.
I will eat your chips,
you cheeky cow.
Pavement pizza, it is?
Oh my God.
How come you haven't
got a hangover?
Honestly, I feel like a b*mb has
just exploded inside my head.
I don't think I've got
anything left in me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind? Tyler
said he wanted some sausages.
There's plenty left?
No. No.
I just want a cup of tea
and I want some paracetamol.
Oh, let me.
In that cupboard there,
next to the plasters.
So is Amy my aunty?
Yeah. Yeah. She is.
Brill. Her sausages are
well better than yours.
Oi.
Cheeky thing. Go and pack
your school bag. Go on.
I still haven't sorted out
Tyler's cakes for the fundraiser.
Well you've got me to help.
Although I am absolutely
shite at baking.
Spoken like a true Croft.
No I just hate letting him down,
I told you not to call me at work,
you stupid cow.
Do you know him?
Amy?
I'm In The Mood For Ska ♪
Go. Go. Go!
Last one.
Hmm. I've got somert for you.
It's dad's old wallet.
I mean he was an arsehole. But
you should have something of his.
Are you sure?
That's Dad with me and our Ronnie
in Blackpool.
God we loved it there.
You OK??
It's just weird, you know,
seeing him with another family.
Come here.
Daydream ♪
Can you pass me that by there?
Oh he's done it!
♪ Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
f*ck you Linda.
It's three quid to get in Vinnie.
No dude, no.
Three quid.
It's not...
Listen now. You listen here.
I've been out to f*cking get drinks.
Are you gonna pay up?
Or do I need to
get management over?
Piece of work
Linda. A piece of work.
You're... A...
Piece of work...
You... Knob head.
You love me really.
I do love you.
Can you bring me a lemonade
when you're done? No.
Get your lovely f*cking chickens.
Fresh eggs in the morning
and all that shit.
Oi, stop shouting f*cking chickens.
There's one child right there.
You dickhead.
And you can't sell all these
chickens for 40 f*cking quid?
You can't sell a chicken for
Chickens for 40 pounds?
Oh come 'ed.
I've been after some chickens.
Er... I grow my own potatoes.
Of course you f*cking do.
And I bet
they taste f*cking magical.
Now then,
you're gonna need at least six,
if you wanna do this properly.
Because chickens are pack animals.
And you don't want them
pinning for each other.
I don't need any
specialist equipment, do I?
For chickens? No.
They'll be happy
in a cardboard box in the garage.
Well I have both of those.
So I'll take all six.
Do you take cards?
Cards?
Do I look like
a f*cking pop-up taco van?
Great British Pound notes,
is what I want in my hand,
not some piece of f*cking plastic
made in China
that tells Bill f*cking Gates
and them other space c**ts
when I last had a pint and a pasty.
I'll er, pick them up later?
Thank you, Sir.
f*cking easy.
f*cking gob shite.
Hey, his chickens are c**ts.
Oi, his chickens are c**ts.
Stop shouting c**ts!
That c**t started it.
f*ck bro,
this looks really depressing.
S-s-suspiciously Cheap Meat?
It's a joke.
Because I'm an undertaker.
So they'll think they're buying
burgers made from dead nannas.
And have you sold much, have you?
None.
It's not lucky then is it. Gross.
It's not really made of
n-n-nanna mince, though are they?
Do you know what I mean...?
Actually d-don't answer that.
We'll have two.
What's this a mince bag?
Mince bag? Mince bag?
What the f*ck is a mince bag?
Who puts an entire human
amount of mince in a bag?
Think about it.
It's a...
Body bag?
There you go...
Don't just go senselessly
naming things. Mince bag?
f*ck me.
Alright.
It's still a weird f*cking thing
to bring to a fundraiser,
innit, you know what I mean?
It's a body bag dude.
Look at Pat.
She's f*cked.
There is business everywhere,
my friend.
Business everywhere.
Don't you throw cheese at me.
Throw cheese. Throw cheese at him.
Get away from me you d*ck.
I'm taking a doughnut.
What you talking about?
That's bread.
f*ck off!
Oh, I'm going now.
Thank you Gary.
It's ridiculous.
That one's got a sore arse. Vin.
Oh you made it.
Of course we did Sandra.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Why they here?
I don't know.
Our Barry loves a tombola.
Won a whole Dundee cake, once.
Great success. Great success.
Oh yes.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thanks Ames.
How much did you take in the end?
Er, 15 hundred, 32 pound,
What arsehole gave you buttons?
Who do you think?
Shirley?
Yep.
Oh prick.
I know, dickhead.
Oh shit!
Oh Sugar!
What's that. Amy and your dad?
Except it isn't, is it?
What's going on?
Have you been lying to me?
No I...
I-I didn't know and then...
..saw the photo
in your dad's wallet.
One minute.
So you saw the picture of my Dad,
you realised it wasn't the same guy
and, and you didn't say anything?
No, it wasn't like that. I tried-
You could have told me the truth
but you-you chose not to.
No I tried.
But Tyler was there and I was...
I wanted to tell you, but I...
See I trusted you.
I let you into my home,
and Tyler, and you
were taking the piss out of me?
I just...
..I didn't want it to not be true.
Well it's not true is it?
You're just some f*cking stranger
aren't ya.
Why, why have I got such
a shit family?
Seriously!
I've got a shit dad,
shit brother, shi...
..shit...
..shit you.
Oh, you fucker.
What the f*ck is that, JJ?
Alright. You said you wanted
Shakespeare's Sister Roses!
In a bouquet, you melt,
not the f*cking shrub.
I'm getting married in three days
and I don't need this
kind of f*cking stress!
Arsehole.
Ohh.
Dude you've just gone all
Deidre Barlow, you're that cross.
Chill out a bit.
He's worked his arse off
getting these roses here. Yeah.
His thigh beard and gooch
is just riddled in rash.
Terrible, it's fierce!
Yeah. Alright mate listen.
Let me just handle this. Very sore.
OK. Hey.
Do you want them or not?
Vin, will you pop in Barraclough
Road into the sat nav for me please.
Absolutely I will.
Barraclough Road?
Oh yeah. Shivani Paswan
wants a look as well.
That little bastard. No chance.
How much?
It's five grand. Like I said.
And I want everything.
Even the roots.
She's not growing her own bush
and waving it about at
my baby's Namakarana Sanskar.
Hurry up then. Move!
Alright Uncle.
She's f*cking horrible dude.
You poor bastard.
Yeah, she's here in park.
Right. See you soon.
Vin's on his way.
It's good news though. He's got
the money for the community centre,
so...
That's good.
You can't blame your life choices.
No. Not really.
Remember that story that I told ya.
When I was little and my dad asked
me what I wanted for my birthday.
Do you remember what I said?
- Baby sister.
Obviously, it was never
going to happen, I mean,
he f*cked off for God sake.
But Amy came along...
And suddenly it didn't-
it didn't matter you know,
how much of a dickhead he'd was,
when I was growing up.
Because at least my dad gave me her.
Are you positive that Amy
just didn't make a mistake?
You know, it's not like none of us,
have ever made mistakes before.
I just let myself believe it,
Just carried away with
the whole thing.
That's what I'm saying,
this random moment has happened
and-and you've gone with it.
It's a good thing, you know.
You found this girl, you wanted her
to be part of your life.
It's not a mistake.
That's a connection with someone.
Do you think she's gone?
Well...
..there's only one way to find out.
Coming?
Erm...
..nah you should go with Vin.
I- I'm gonna take a walk.
OK.
Two min.
I've called a taxi.
I'll be out your hair soon.
Come and wait inside.
It's freezing.
I swear to God,
I thought you were my Erin Croft.
Your dad's name was Neil,
you were the right age.
We look alike.
It was only when I saw the photo,
I...
..I realised I'd got it wrong.
When I first found out
I had a sister,
I kind of imagined
what she might be like.
And then I met you.
And I just... I couldn't
believe how lucky I was.
After having no one.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the only one in this
but I made it about me.
And I shouldn't have said
the things I said to you.
I was a dickhead.
I was scared and defensive.
You don't have to leave, you know.
I don't want you to leave.
I don't really wanna either.
But there is another Erin Croft
out there and I want to find her.
She's the only family I've got left.
I wish you were my real sister.
Me too. Come here.
Amy.
You might not have any
family here now,
but you do have friends, OK?
Oh will you er,
give this to Tyler
when he gets back from Albie's?
And this is erm... This is for you.
Thanks.
Look after yourself, yeah.
Pictures Of You ♪
♪ ..at these pictures of you
♪ That I almost believe
that they're real
♪ I've been living so long
with my pictures of you
♪ That I almost believe that
the pictures
♪ Are all I can feel ... ♪
They run a m*rder Mystery night
once a month,
you'd have access
to the entire house.
These old things are solid.
You're all
playing f*cking parts here...
He cries when he masturbates.
Could he be the m*rder*r?
I'd like you to host a poker night
for some friends of mine.
Sod off. Sod off leave me alone.
Ah a secret book door.
Don't panic.
I'm just gonna-