04x05 - Amy

[bunniefuu]

Don't breathe in so much-

Don't f*cking breath on you.

Why?

Just onions innit, and egg.

Yeah.

I had onion and egg for breakfast

with a bit of tomatoes.

It's Mediterranean.

Hush up. Listen.

Your breath is terrible now.

And look where we are.

You're such a breathy talker.

You f*cking

Hi everyone,

I am Ashely.

I have had Mediterranean

for breakfast.

What am I supposed to have

for breakfast?

f*ck off man.

Your man said

this was a stupid idea.

One of Tommo's shag wagon...

f*ck truck. Erotic parlour.

One of his clients is a very rich

Swedish businessman. Right.

And he carries a bag full of cash

wi' him, everywhere he goes.

- Including into our sessions.

- Ow! I'm sorry mother.

So what you want us

to f*cking swipe it mid spank?

Ow, yes! Yes.

It's a bit more complicated

than that, you see.

The cash is very closely integrated

into the roll play itself.

It's er sort of er,

Freudian, y'know.

However, tomorrow morning

he's asked for my services

in a hotel room, right?

So what I'm thinking is,

you lot distract his bodyguard.

Pencil Full Of Lead ♪

You alright?

I think I'm having a heart att*ck.

One of you swoops in

and nicks the bag as fast as...

..sabre skin.

Niche reference. Course.

Where will you be waiting until

the Bodyguard gets out of the way?

Broom cupboard.

Do you know what I mean?

Ash.

Fantastic.

I mean that's a stupid idea.

It's actually a brilliant idea.

Right?

Oh sh*t. Let's do this.

Hang on dude. Stop!

It's only 1-2 f*cking 6.

It's 126, I'm telling ya. Go on.

Oh. No! Masked invaders.

Tommo what you wearing that for

f*ck!

Oh, he's f*cking massive!

No. No. No!

There's f*cking scented oils,

Thomas.

Why is he so slippy.

I've never seen them in my life.

I have never seen them

before in my life.

What do you think? I can't offer up

a dry massage, can I Vin?

Oh, sorry, Boss.

Gentlemen, uh, carry on.

Thank you!

The g*n!

Big g*n. Bang bang.

It stinks of lavender man.

You get it?

Hold on. Hold on. I drop a bag.

Let's go.

About f*cking time.

f*cking professional thieves.

Well you've joined us

at the right time, pet.

I've been managing this centre

for twenty years

and we've never had to

cut our cloth so tight.

Me and our Ronnie used to come

here when we were little.

And there was always some er,

hot chocolate and biscuits.

It meant a lot to us.

That's why, I thought it's good to

do the fundraiser you know,

to give something back?

Oh yeah.

Hiyah.

Between you and me, Erin, love,

we're gonna need more

than a jumble sale.

I mean we've barely got enough money

to keep this place going.

Let alone do it up.

Erin and Ronnie?

Is Ronnie Croft your brother?

Oh God. Yeah.

Why what did he nick?

My Ted found him making off with all

the toilet rolls a few years back.

Well, he tried.

He got locked in over

bank holiday weekend, poor love.

Yeah, that sounds like our Ronnie.

You can't choose your family.

No you can't!

Do you mean it's where

they k-k-keep trees and that?

It says

Marsh f*cking Gardens?

Marsh Gardens is a f*cking sh*thole.

It is a sh*thole.

And it's also dangerous.

Boiled Ham Sam got nailed to

a bench there last Christmas.

Boiled Ham Sam

nailed himself to the f*cking bench

because he's a complete moron.

Do you know how it happened?

JJ, do you happen to

have a garage cat?

No.

What's a garage cat?

Well it's a cat that lives

in a f*cking garage int it.

Well that's just a cat surely?

Mearow.

Get a f*cking w*apon you bellend.

Shh!

No. They f*cking know we're here.

Right, now, listen.

If you are a garage cat,

you better say somert right now.

Look no-ones gonna hurt you.

Just put 'em down.

Put 'em down a little bit.

No one gonna hurt ya.

Just, come on out.

Come on.

Sorry the, the door was open and

it's raining. So...

Are you alright?

You lot know Erin Croft, right?

Who's asking?

I'm Amy Croft.

I think she's my sister.

I've got a sister?

I know. I had no idea either.

When did you find out?

Two weeks ago.

When my nan d*ed. Of cancer.

Well she had cancer,

but then it cleared up,

then she felt really poorly

so they booked in another scan

but she never made it.

Postman just spotted her through

the curtains, lying there.

I cleared out her bungalow

for the council

because she was a real hoarder

and I found these letters

from my dad to my mum saying

how much he missed his little girl

Erin and...

I'm babbling aren't I, yeah?

I babble when I'm nervous.

Do you babble?

It's just a bit of

a surprise to be here.

I can't believe she's got

a half sister.

Oh come off it,

Neil Croft was a prolific vag hand.

Surprised more of his f*cking

progeny haven't crawled out

the woodwork sooner.

I hope you don't

think I'm a stalker or anything.

I just... I found you online.

And saw you outside the garage and

just headed there and then

when the boys got there,

I just completely f*cking shat my

knickers, I didn't know what to say.

You do remind me of him, actually.

What do you think

they're talking about now?

I don't know. Well it'll dad stuff

won't it. A bit of common ground.

They've got the same dad?

Yes. I mean f*ck me, why do you

think she's here, you d*ck head.

That's... I know that, sorry.

I, wrong...

They've got the same dad, as in,

'oh my god

they've got the same dad'.

Can you believe. Can you believe

they've got the same dad.

It's like my intonation.

Shut up!

She always wanted a sister,

you know, when she was younger.

They seem nice, your mates.

Yeah. They're great.

f*ck off.

So I take it from the accent that

you're not from round here?

No. Er Liverpool.

Erm, I'm staying in a hostel

in town, though, the-

The Hawley Backpackers?

Oh Jesus. That's a sh*thole.

That's where I were conceived,

you know.

You can take Sugar's old room, OK?

She's still got some stuff in there,

that she needs to take to JJ's,

so if it gets in your way,

just shove it in a corner.

Thanks. This is so nice of you.

Well I can't have you telling

your mates that you met your sister

and she let you catch skin mites.

Plus you don't seem like

a raving lunatic.

Yeah well that's what you think.

This bag's full of hammers.

Oh good.

You can hang some pictures up

for me, then can't ya.

Er, Tyler?

Plus, being a lunatic runs in

the family. So you're alright.

Right, OK, so this is Amy.

She's a friend. And she's gonna be

staying with us for a few days.

Yeah?

Hi.

Oh.

That's kids for you in it.

Sorry, why Marsh Gardens?

Because they've had this

massive f*cking upgrade,

and there's all these

rare, exotic plants.

And this year's new centre piece,

yeah.

Is a Shakespeare's Sister rose bush.

That flower is the most expensive

flower in the world.

Yeah. It's all well and good

stealing it, but let's be honest,

it's not worth anything unless

we can shift it.

Already sorted.

You remember my cousin's wedding?

Well, that was pretty small fish

for us frying, boys, yeah.

I know plenty of Bridezillas

who'd k*ll for those roses.

For real.

JJ, the golden child.

The Goodless squire.

The Goodless Squires a good one.

Anyway. Shut up.

Ash, give over.

He's found a buyer alright.

She's a blushing bride.

She's willing to pay up to

five grand

for three f*cking stems.

Jesus sake she

must be off her rocker this bird.

Five grand?

Do you know what,

she actually isn't.

And I'm a bit scared of her.

This is

the biggest day of my life

and you want me walking down the

aisle with flowers that look like

they were nicked from a f*cking

lamp post after a car accident?

Ah. Ah! Ah!

f*ck, quick open the door,

let some draft in.

f*cking hell.

Oh well that's not ideal, is it?

Are those the cakes for mine

and Albie's stall?

No. These are practice ones.

You said you'd come and do

my reading with me?

Oh baby.

I need, I need to clear all this up,

and I've got paperwork to do for the

centre before your dad gets here.

Can we do it later? Yeah?

Oh well I can go and read with him

for a bit if you want?

Yeh?

It's really boring.

School gave it me.

Do you like school?

Me neither.

Have you read this?

Charlotte's web.

Picked it up at a charity shop.

My mum used to read it to me

as a kid.

What's it about?

A spider.

I bet you're scared of spiders.

No I'm not.

Hmm, OK.

But are you scared of pigs?

"Charlotte stopped.

"A moment later

a tear came to Wilbur's eye.

"'Oh Charlotte,' he said,

"'to think that

when I first met you...'"

I can't believe how good he is.

I know. He's so good.

I always worried.

Hmm.

That he'd end up like me.

How do you mean?

Not very academic, you know.

Vin,

he is like you.

But all the best ways.

Tell me some of the best ways.

What now?

Right now.

It's very important.

Oh to think. Er...

Can't think of one can you?

Oh, I just need more time.

Alright, handsome?

Alright, I'll give you that one.

Brilliant hairline.

This can't be right?

No, well,

JJ's been and checked it.

He said it needs rewiring,

the whole thing needs rewiring,

before it gets a f*cking refit,

Right well. There's no way

the fundraisers gonna raise

that sort of money is it?

I mean, we'll help.

But f*cking hell.

Hm.

How's Amy?

Yeah, she really sweet.

Does she have a Mum?

Er no. No, she d*ed about

eight years ago, bless her.

How are you feeling about it?

Well,

it is a bit of a head f*ck,

I'm not gonna lie.

But she's not Ronnie.

Thank f*ck.

So.

Pyramid Song ♪

Oh, hey.

Hello.

Oh, err. Just erm...

Coming along nicely.

Er, do you want something?

I was hoping to talk to Vincent.

Yeah erm... He's, he's, he's busy.

I'll wait.

You can tell me.

I'll, I'll pass it on.

Dylan.

Such a lovely name.

Lyrical.

Means 'Son of the Ocean'.

Do you like the ocean?

I- I don't really have

a strong opinion.

I'm a big fan.

Coral.

Squid.

Eels.

I love it all.

Great.

Do you want a bottle of pop?

Thank you.

Can't tempt you?

Yeah go on.

My mum used to make them

and sell them at the market.

But by the time she was retired,

she had bloody witchy claw fingers.

Oh erm,

I forgot to tell you,

we're taking you out tonight.

Where we going?

Um, the Vortex Lounge?

I mean it is pretty disgusting

but the drinks are cheap and

the music's really good, so...

It's erm,

it's not dressy is it?

Don't worry. I have a plan.

Hm?

Too see-though.

This can't be yours?

It's my maternity dress.

Ooh!

Ah, OK, yeah.

That is my prom dress.

Vinnie nicked it from

this snobby shop in town.

The women refused to serve me.

Cheeky bitch.

And I had the money, as well.

So Vinnie is your boyfriend then?

No....

I like this one?

Yes. I love that one.

Perfect.

All I'm saying is presumably,

by this point,

Tyler can look after himself

can he not?

No, he's a bloody child

int he.

Listen, it's an opportunity

for Dyl and Tyler

to just chill out together a bit.

They f*cking miss each other.

You know what I mean.

f*cking JJ.

Do you know what you fat-

swear to God.

Do you know your f*cking friend was

supposed to have unlocked it?

Darren got the f*cking date wrong.

He's read it as month first,

day second. Like bloody American's.

Well is he American then?

Is he f*ck.

He's from the Forest of Dean.

Forest of Dean.

It's a very nice part of the world.

Is it? Where is it?

Area of outstanding natural beauty.

You shut up you.

Now we're gonna have to

find another way in.

Get in the- Get in the f*cking van.

Just f*cking typical.

f*cking hell. f*cking Darren.

Darren of Dean

All done. Come on.

Hey, I'm just saying, right.

If I'm gonna be abseiling in future

I'd like to know in advance.

Alright you. Come on.

Look I-I-I don't want to.

Eh? Cardi, come on man.

You've been in worst scrapes

than this, dude.

I've got responsibilities now.

I've got Carol.

I-I-I promised her I'd protect them.

My t-t-testicles.

Mate, I'm asking

you to climb down a wall,

not use your d*ck as a death slide.

Yeah, but I keep bashing them

on things.

I seen the doctor about it.

Well go on then, what did he say?

He said, Cardi stop

bashing them on things.

Well he will do, won't he?

Listen, just go

and wait in the f*cking van then.

Go and play snake or somert.

Are you angry with me?

No. Dude I'm just cross. Cos you-

because you're sensitive.

Sometimes you can be

hard work, Cardi. Very.

I'm coming down.

Good lad. Now listen before

you do just make be sure-

Nailed it. Come on.

Right.

So, there is a grounds keeper,

but he just sits and watches p*rn

in his cottage.

Right. Living the dream.

Hey, God sake.

f*cking look at his place, man.

f*ck me. This is amazing.

Right. The trick...

What the hell you doing?

What the f*ck is wrong with you.

Knobhead.

Come 'ed.

Right. I'll meet you there?

I've got some business.

What do you mean business?

You haven't got any business in

a f*cking Victorian green house

for God sake dude.

I have got business, mate.

Why ya... What,

is it for the f*ck truck?

No. No. No. No. Nothing mucky.

Nothing mucky, right,

I've looked online.

They've got peyote.

Wolves?

It's a f*cking Coyote you dickhead.

It's a cactus with psychoactive

compound. Namely, mescaline.

Actually, could we take fifteen?

Cos I'd love to get some cuttings.

- Would ya?

- Yeah I need a poo.

And you need a poo.

Do you know, alright fair enough.

Let's just find the reception first.

Cos they have maps.

Do you know that way we won't get

f*cking lost in this place.

- They have headphones.

- Yeah.

Don't they?

So we'll know what were looking at.

Be easier to find the rose bush!

You f*cking idiots!

No, it's a very, very

serious robbery dude.

You know there's a lot of prep

been put into this.

f*cking get your heads

in the game. OK?

Yes?

Fair enough.

Let's just f*ck it off for a bit.

We'll meet in 15 minutes

by the rose bush, yeah?

Fifteen.

Will you come with me for a poo?

Yeah dude.

Why can't you poo at home man?

I poo at home. I poo here.

Liar, Liar ♪

Do you know what exactly

we're after here?

I do yes. We're looking

for a type of cactus.

That's not very specific, Tommo?

What?

I thought that was some,

someone man just standing there.

That were a man?

A very thin man going like that.

Ahah what are you looking at?

Yeah. What is that

French or somert- yeah.

Check this out

Shut up you dickhead.

My foots stuck onto it.

Gently!

f*cking Cobra Kai'ing it

you knobhead.

f*ck sake.

What the f*ck

did you expect from that, eh?

Round housing it, you mad bastard.

I'm wearing desert boots,

I thought they would be grand!

It's gone straight through,

han't it?

You have to piss on it, don't ya?

No that's jelly fish.

Mate, that is jellyfish.

♪ If you don't wanna see me

♪ Did a full 180

♪ Crazy... ♪

So let me get this right.

You're married to... Cardi?

That's correct. That prize

stallion is off the market.

And you, you're going out with JJ?

Yes.

And that means I never have to pay

for my full body M.O.T.

if you know what I mean?

Course we knows

what you mean, now, sugar, like.

f*cking children on the street

know what you mean.

And you used to go out with Dylan,

but Vinnie is Tyler's dad?

But that's not a thing anymore.

That's... that's done.

Then, yeah.

So is there anyone in the group

you haven't like...

Tommo.

Get it myself, dickhead.

Christ on a bike.

What have you f*cking done

to your foot?

He's fine. He's fine. Aren't you?

Might just need a tetanus jab.

I'm not doing any needles,

I don't like 'em.

Your foot looks like a bog brush.

Can we just get on with this?

Hang on no. There's a break

glass alarms weeper?

A glass break alarm weeper.

I know what it f*cking means.

We're not gonna break the glass.

Implements. You know what I mean?

He knows his onions doesn't he?

He does know his onions, this lad.

That, actually quite impressive.

Yes. That is impressive. Go on JJ.

Dude.

Massive in it.

f*cking lads.

Unbelievable, I'm just,

I'm wondering though.

How we're gonna get that rose

through that f*cking hole there.

sh*t that's not good. Not good.

f*ck. f*ck. No. No. No.

Bad.

No! sh*t.

Run away. Run away and leave it.

Someone grab the bush!

Afro-Left ♪

Yeah, see he's asleep now.

Now to relax and enjoy myself.

What was he like? Dad?

Er charming,

funny, very funny.

Er,

a total f*cking liability.

What was he like with you?

He left when I was born.

Erm, he used to pop round

on birthdays.

Or what he thought was my birthday.

Mum said he never got it right.

Last time was Christmas,

when I was five.

Erm, he gave me a used football.

And never saw him again.

Yeah, he loved football.

Promised to teach me and our Ronnie

but never got round to it.

He didn't leave because of you,

You don't know that.

No I do.

I do because

I felt exactly the same,

until I realised

it's never about us.

Always about them. Cheers.

He left because he's a sh*t dad.

But, we wouldn't be here

if it wasn't for him.

So, to sh*t dads.

To sh*t dads-

No. No. No.

To our sh*t dad.

Cheers.

It's like Narnia.

No entry, no entry.

Less of the f*cking noise,

you bloody lemon heads. Come on.

This is the quickest way boys.

Just smash our way out the back.

Erin was sh1tting herself.

I thought I'd

f*cking k*lled him that's why.

She went over to him a few times

for good measure,

just to make sure the job was done.

Your face!

Right, no, listen right, yes,

I accidentally run over

his head a few times.

That is true. It's true.

It was really funny.

It f*cking was not funny!

f*cking hell. And then you

buried him when he was still alive?

No. No. No. We didn't know

he was still alive, like.

We're not psychopaths.

Look, look,

all you need to know right,

we didn't, we didn't k*ll anybody.

Shush.

So Keithy's fine then?

It was roped off because

it was poisonous.

Oh no, no, no, no.

The door, the door...

It's basically roped off

because it was poisonous.

Jeez. Man. Yep.

Thanks JJ. I'm aware of that now.

Itching. Oh man, my knee

is on fire. It burns so much .

Wait, will ya?

This is worse than crabs...

Oh f*ck me. Oh sh*t!

You lads f*cked

with the wrong guy

at the wrong time...

..with the wrong rose bush.

Eh?

Who the f*ck are you dude?

What you wearing, man?

Camouflaged with bloody high viz.

Do you wanna to be seen or not?

Shut up you f*cking flumped-

just give us the bush back.

I'm dead sorry, but I'd love to,

but we really f*cking need it, man.

Don't want you to give me

it back anyway.

Cos it means I get to use... this.

Oh f*ck me. Hey, oh.

That's a flashbang?

Yeah it's a flashbang.

Dude, that is a flashbang. Where'd

you get a f*cking flashbang from?

This. I got it

from Bitcoin, m*therf*cker.

Bitcoin, what he on about?

Dickhead.

- From bitcoin?

- It's in Peterborough in't it.

He said from Bitcoin.

It's a Krypso current.

It's a current, a basic exchange. It

isn't a shop. Bitcoin isn't a shop.

You just google it.

Yeah like a data.

Yeah you

get to bid on anonymous thing.

It's quite fun actually-

Anyway shut the f*ck up.

It's not a tea party.

I'm a bad arse m*therf*cker.

I'm about to blow your asses up.

I don't think you are

a badass m*therf*cker.

I mean you might be

a bit of a strange young man.

Shut up man. I'm badass!

You're not badass.

I am f*cking badass.

It's going down.

I don't think you should throw it.

No. No. No. No!

f*cking hell. Army overload.

Not so fast.

Oh I made a mistake.

Hello? Hello.

I'm here. I'm here.

Take that bush. Oi.

Are you alright? I am here.

Hello?

Oi. Oi.

I've f*cked myself.

I know.

I've totally f*cked myself.

Oi. I know you have.

f*ck off. f*ck off!

What you slapping me for?

I'll chop you the f*ck back.

Oi. Settle down. Oi.

Somert's burning.

Listen.

I can smell biscuits. I can't hear.

Listen. It'll pass.

It'll pass. You'll hear again.

I can't hear anything?

I know that. It'll pass.

You want my address?

I don't want your address-

Get hold of that.

I tell you what.

I can't taste anything.

Oh God.

What would Andy Mcnab do?

I'm sorry we're leaving you

like this, man.

This is not how we like to do it.

I've just done my territorial

application.

Have ya? Just...

Let's just leave him.

Don't tell anyone about the night.

I won't.

Alright cheers lads.

Alright dude. Sorry.

Bring it home.

Bring it home. I'm on a beach.

We sail on

the beach. Think of your training.

I can feel the water on me fins.

Oh, so good.

Sorry.

You're one of us!

Babe. I hate that dress.

Did you have a good night?

I've had the best f*cking night.

Oh sh*t.

Oh no.

Not in the chips.

Outside. Outside. Quick.

Don't you nick my chips,

you cheeky bitch.

I will eat your chips,

you cheeky cow.

Pavement pizza, it is?

Oh my God.

How come you haven't

got a hangover?

Honestly, I feel like a b*mb has

just exploded inside my head.

I don't think I've got

anything left in me.

Oh, I hope you don't mind? Tyler

said he wanted some sausages.

There's plenty left?

No. No.

I just want a cup of tea

and I want some paracetamol.

Oh, let me.

In that cupboard there,

next to the plasters.

So is Amy my aunty?

Yeah. Yeah. She is.

Brill. Her sausages are

well better than yours.

Oi.

Cheeky thing. Go and pack

your school bag. Go on.

I still haven't sorted out

Tyler's cakes for the fundraiser.

Well you've got me to help.

Although I am absolutely

shite at baking.

Spoken like a true Croft.

No I just hate letting him down,

I told you not to call me at work,

you stupid cow.

Do you know him?

Amy?

I'm In The Mood For Ska ♪

Go. Go. Go!

Last one.

Hmm. I've got somert for you.

It's dad's old wallet.

I mean he was an arsehole. But

you should have something of his.

Are you sure?

That's Dad with me and our Ronnie

in Blackpool.

God we loved it there.

You OK??

It's just weird, you know,

seeing him with another family.

Come here.

Daydream ♪

Can you pass me that by there?

Oh he's done it!

♪ Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy

f*ck you Linda.

It's three quid to get in Vinnie.

No dude, no.

Three quid.

It's not...

Listen now. You listen here.

I've been out to f*cking get drinks.

Are you gonna pay up?

Or do I need to

get management over?

Piece of work

Linda. A piece of work.

You're... A...

Piece of work...

You... Knob head.

You love me really.

I do love you.

Can you bring me a lemonade

when you're done? No.

Get your lovely f*cking chickens.

Fresh eggs in the morning

and all that sh*t.

Oi, stop shouting f*cking chickens.

There's one child right there.

You dickhead.

And you can't sell all these

chickens for 40 f*cking quid?

You can't sell a chicken for

Chickens for 40 pounds?

Oh come 'ed.

I've been after some chickens.

Er... I grow my own potatoes.

Of course you f*cking do.

And I bet

they taste f*cking magical.

Now then,

you're gonna need at least six,

if you wanna do this properly.

Because chickens are pack animals.

And you don't want them

pinning for each other.

I don't need any

specialist equipment, do I?

For chickens? No.

They'll be happy

in a cardboard box in the garage.

Well I have both of those.

So I'll take all six.

Do you take cards?

Cards?

Do I look like

a f*cking pop-up taco van?

Great British Pound notes,

is what I want in my hand,

not some piece of f*cking plastic

made in China

that tells Bill f*cking Gates

and them other space c**ts

when I last had a pint and a pasty.

I'll er, pick them up later?

Thank you, Sir.

f*cking easy.

f*cking gob shite.

Hey, his chickens are c**ts.

Oi, his chickens are c**ts.

Stop shouting c**ts!

That c**t started it.

f*ck bro,

this looks really depressing.

S-s-suspiciously Cheap Meat?

It's a joke.

Because I'm an undertaker.

So they'll think they're buying

burgers made from dead nannas.

And have you sold much, have you?

None.

It's not lucky then is it. Gross.

It's not really made of

n-n-nanna mince, though are they?

Do you know what I mean...?

Actually d-don't answer that.

We'll have two.

What's this a mince bag?

Mince bag? Mince bag?

What the f*ck is a mince bag?

Who puts an entire human

amount of mince in a bag?

Think about it.

It's a...

Body bag?

There you go...

Don't just go senselessly

naming things. Mince bag?

f*ck me.

Alright.

It's still a weird f*cking thing

to bring to a fundraiser,

innit, you know what I mean?

It's a body bag dude.

Look at Pat.

She's f*cked.

There is business everywhere,

my friend.

Business everywhere.

Don't you throw cheese at me.

Throw cheese. Throw cheese at him.

Get away from me you d*ck.

I'm taking a doughnut.

What you talking about?

That's bread.

f*ck off!

Oh, I'm going now.

Thank you Gary.

It's ridiculous.

That one's got a sore arse. Vin.

Oh you made it.

Of course we did Sandra.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Why they here?

I don't know.

Our Barry loves a tombola.

Won a whole Dundee cake, once.

Great success. Great success.

Oh yes.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Thanks Ames.

How much did you take in the end?

Er, 15 hundred, 32 pound,

What arsehole gave you buttons?

Who do you think?

Shirley?

Yep.

Oh prick.

I know, dickhead.

Oh sh*t!

Oh Sugar!

What's that. Amy and your dad?

Except it isn't, is it?

What's going on?

Have you been lying to me?

No I...

I-I didn't know and then...

..saw the photo

in your dad's wallet.

One minute.

So you saw the picture of my Dad,

you realised it wasn't the same guy

and, and you didn't say anything?

No, it wasn't like that. I tried-

You could have told me the truth

but you-you chose not to.

No I tried.

But Tyler was there and I was...

I wanted to tell you, but I...

See I trusted you.

I let you into my home,

and Tyler, and you

were taking the piss out of me?

I just...

..I didn't want it to not be true.

Well it's not true is it?

You're just some f*cking stranger

aren't ya.

Why, why have I got such

a sh*t family?

Seriously!

I've got a sh*t dad,

sh*t brother, shi...

..sh*t...

..sh*t you.

Oh, you fucker.

What the f*ck is that, JJ?

Alright. You said you wanted

Shakespeare's Sister Roses!

In a bouquet, you melt,

not the f*cking shrub.

I'm getting married in three days

and I don't need this

kind of f*cking stress!

Arsehole.

Ohh.

Dude you've just gone all

Deidre Barlow, you're that cross.

Chill out a bit.

He's worked his arse off

getting these roses here. Yeah.

His thigh beard and gooch

is just riddled in rash.

Terrible, it's fierce!

Yeah. Alright mate listen.

Let me just handle this. Very sore.

OK. Hey.

Do you want them or not?

Vin, will you pop in Barraclough

Road into the sat nav for me please.

Absolutely I will.

Barraclough Road?

Oh yeah. Shivani Paswan

wants a look as well.

That little bastard. No chance.

How much?

It's five grand. Like I said.

And I want everything.

Even the roots.

She's not growing her own bush

and waving it about at

my baby's Namakarana Sanskar.

Hurry up then. Move!

Alright Uncle.

She's f*cking horrible dude.

You poor bastard.

Yeah, she's here in park.

Right. See you soon.

Vin's on his way.

It's good news though. He's got

the money for the community centre,

so...

That's good.

You can't blame your life choices.

No. Not really.

Remember that story that I told ya.

When I was little and my dad asked

me what I wanted for my birthday.

Do you remember what I said?

- Baby sister.

Obviously, it was never

going to happen, I mean,

he f*cked off for God sake.

But Amy came along...

And suddenly it didn't-

it didn't matter you know,

how much of a dickhead he'd was,

when I was growing up.

Because at least my dad gave me her.

Are you positive that Amy

just didn't make a mistake?

You know, it's not like none of us,

have ever made mistakes before.

I just let myself believe it,

Just carried away with

the whole thing.

That's what I'm saying,

this random moment has happened

and-and you've gone with it.

It's a good thing, you know.

You found this girl, you wanted her

to be part of your life.

It's not a mistake.

That's a connection with someone.

Do you think she's gone?

Well...

..there's only one way to find out.

Coming?

Erm...

..nah you should go with Vin.

I- I'm gonna take a walk.

OK.

Two min.

I've called a taxi.

I'll be out your hair soon.

Come and wait inside.

It's freezing.

I swear to God,

I thought you were my Erin Croft.

Your dad's name was Neil,

you were the right age.

We look alike.

It was only when I saw the photo,

I...

..I realised I'd got it wrong.

When I first found out

I had a sister,

I kind of imagined

what she might be like.

And then I met you.

And I just... I couldn't

believe how lucky I was.

After having no one.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not the only one in this

but I made it about me.

And I shouldn't have said

the things I said to you.

I was a dickhead.

I was scared and defensive.

You don't have to leave, you know.

I don't want you to leave.

I don't really wanna either.

But there is another Erin Croft

out there and I want to find her.

She's the only family I've got left.

I wish you were my real sister.

Me too. Come here.

Amy.

You might not have any

family here now,

but you do have friends, OK?

Oh will you er,

give this to Tyler

when he gets back from Albie's?

And this is erm... This is for you.

Thanks.

Look after yourself, yeah.

Pictures Of You ♪

♪ ..at these pictures of you

♪ That I almost believe

that they're real

♪ I've been living so long

with my pictures of you

♪ That I almost believe that

the pictures

♪ Are all I can feel ... ♪

They run a m*rder Mystery night

once a month,

you'd have access

to the entire house.

These old things are solid.

You're all

playing f*cking parts here...

He cries when he masturbates.

Could he be the m*rder*r?

I'd like you to host a poker night

for some friends of mine.

Sod off. Sod off leave me alone.

Ah a secret book door.

Don't panic.

I'm just gonna-