03x04 - The Worst Plan

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat electronic music]

[door opens]

[woman] Jules Saldenha?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Please come in.

Thank you.

So, you do your business in here.

Yeah.

If you have trouble,
we have a collection of magazines.

The instructions are on the card.

Little wipes, just in case.
And don't steal the remote.

Bring the cup
to the nurses' station when it's full.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.
- Here we go.

Let's do this.

Sorry.

I'm here to help him come.

A NETFLIX SERIES

[upbeat music playing]

THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

[man] Hello, pretty shepherdess.
May I sit here?

- I've got a big goat cheese.
- How'd you get mixed up in this?

- Well, Brad Pitt was unavailable.
- [chuckles]

No, when I showed up at the agency,

- the guys thought I was there to audition.
- Yeah?

And they insisted for me to be
the shepherd and do the music.

- Hmm.
- I mean, the music, yeah, but,

I figured, "Okay, double the pay,
I can pay the rent," you know?

- So I took the opportunity.
- Hmm. That goat is so pretty.

Yeah. I mean, it's a goat.

You know what, my love?
I'm really proud of you.

[chuckles] Come on!

- No, for real!
- ["So Close to Me" playing on the phone]

Wait, Jules.

[goat-like voice] Thank you, nice goat.

I'm singing the tune.

[goat bleats]

[Emilie] You know, the place is huge.

It'll take a year.
But she gave me six months.

- For real?
- Yeah.

So I told her I have a bunch of employees.

But how are you gonna manage?

I'm going to make her think
Matt works for me.

A star like her, in this village,
it's like Michael Jackson.

Prices are going to skyrocket.
We can't sell now.

- You think so?
- Hmm.

I didn't tell you, but,

- you know the hospital management job?
- Mm-hmm.

- Where I applied before I met Nicole?
- Hmm.

- Well, they're hiring me.
- Really? That's great.

Yeah, it's awesome.

And most important, it's in Paris.
So, I agree. We have to go back.

- Right.
- That's what you wanted.

Yeah!

- Of course, yeah.
- That's awesome.

Yeah, it's awesome.

[liquid splashes, faucet running]

[sings in French]
♪ Love is a Bohemian bird ♪

♪ That has never, never known love ♪

- ♪ Little bird, little bird ♪
- Max.

- ♪ Little bird, how I love you ♪
- Max.

Max, quiet! Please.

I need to talk to you.

[singing] Talk to me?

- About something.
- What? Is it serious?

Yeah. Kind of.

- [water stops]
- Oh sh*t.

We lost points in the polls. f*ck!

No, that's not it.

Oh.

I'm... I need to tell you, or else
I'm going to lose my mind. [sharp inhale]

[Charlotte] Okay.

I'm dumping you.

Seriously?

Oh, f*ck.

[sighs]

[exhales] f*ck.

[low thud]

f*ck.
This is what being dumped feels like?

- [piano notes in distance]
- [heavy sigh]

So, uh,

it's just that, uh...

Could you sit down?

[Max sighs heavily]

We need to admit it.

The whole lockdown,
that's what brought us closer.

I was going through
a rough time, you were there.

And after that,

it was us against the world.

But I believed in it.

I swear.

Except you don't treat me as an equal,
and I can't see myself in this.

You and me, uh,

it's pretty, it looks great in photos,

- but you can't pose a life on a hashtag.
- Well...

And now, it's time I took care of myself.

You understand?

Well, I... I don't know.

I have no idea.

[Max sighs]

And the campaign?

How will I manage?

Oh, f*ck.

No, come on. I was kidding!
I was kidding! Cha!

Can you tell the others
I broke up with you?

[door buzzer]

- [phone chimes]
- Oh. [snickers]

Now she regrets it. [chuckles]

So what, you already miss it?

CHANTAL
GOOGLE YOURSELF NOW, DICKHEAD!

[siren wailing in distance]

Charlotte!

Cha!

Ovarian insufficiency
and endometriosis, that's just, uh...

Ugh, that really sucks.

- Oh, so it's my fault, then?
- Hang on.

Regarding Mr...
regarding you, sir.

Okay. So, your sperm
isn't exactly Napoleonic

when it comes to valiancy,
combativity, and all that.

But, I see a few of them are swimming,
so we should be able to do something here.

See, honey, it's also my fault.

Well, it's mostly the lady's fault.

[woman] Hmm.

Listen, in my opinion, it's very simple,

we need ovarian stimulation
in preparation for an IVF.

Oh, and...

and it could work?

You know, fertility is like a big lottery.

There are no certitudes in a lottery.

But, with a little bit of magic,
you can make it work.

Now, just a precaution,

you should know that stimulation
leads to a kind of... [inhales]

...emotional roller-coaster.

We have seen women get the urge
to end their life quite violently.

- [Elsa] Oh, really?
- That bad.

It's important for you to know,
because you'll have to...

[whispers] ...try to deal with her.
She might get a little complicated.

- No. No.
- [woman] Well, yes.

- Anyway.
- [Julio] No.

I'm sure she has girlfriends?
A tight-knit circle?

- Yes. Yes.
- [woman] I suppose. Yes? Yes.

Great, shall we go for it?

Yes?

Why? Why? Why?

MAXIME PAUILLAC'S FAKE FARMER

Tell me why!

You could've worn
a thousand other costumes!

Why did you choose this costume
to go party?

Hmm. Well, I didn't think
I'd be recognized, that's all.

- [exasperated laughter]
- [Cha] Well,

you should've just had a solid project.

Okay, Cha. Please.

I know you just dumped me, but could you
please support me for another 5 minutes?

- You dumped him?
- Yeah.

Oh, finally! Thank God!

f*ck, you guys are...

This is hard!

- [man moaning] I'm going to come.
- [Cha chuckles]

Are you sure
this is the time to watch p*rn?

Uh, hang on.

I think the bad buzz around
the fake farmer is snowballing.

I mean, there are balls.

[moaning]

- Wait, this is you!
- [Max] What?

- This is your...
- [Chantal] His d*ck, yeah.

- Yeah.
- [Max] What?

- What do you mean, my d*ck?
- [laughs] Very smart!

It's funny, from this angle,
it looks like it's a lot more...

Yeah, hmm.

I'm going to come! I'm cumming!

No, this is a conspiracy.

This is the Green guy.

He wants to sink me in the polls.

This one time I sent my d*ck to a girl
because she asked me for it!

I mean, I thought that she wanted it,
so uh...

All our former colleagues
from city hall are joining in! [chuckles]

So, Cécile says you're "a pig."

Ka... Karine?

[Max] Karine? The nerve of her!

She walks around the halls in a crop top
always teasing everyone!

A BIG JERK!
#RATOUTYOURPAUILLAC

Already 900 retweets and a hashtag!

assh*le FORMER COLLEAGUE
FAKE ON ALL LEVELS

- Hashtag "Rat out your Pauillac."
- [Chantal] Hmm.

At least you're trending. [snickers]

Okay, this is too much for me.

- [Charlotte sighs]
- [Max] Cha?

[door opens]

[door creaks and closes]

And so, uh,

you mind if I dump you too?

Because three months
before the first vote,

I don't see what we can do.

Apart from a sex tape.

Why? Could that work?

- Okay, let's get out of here.
- No, but... [groans]

Man, you stole all the trash bags?
I spent an hour looking for them.

It's both hideous
and very artistic. It's troubling.

A cross between
a slum and a stall at an art fair.

Come on. Go ahead, Eddy.

Look, your pacifier toy.

- Hi, Eddy!
- See you, boys!

- [Eddy mumbles]
- [Matt] Kisses.

[Eddy sings]

Yeah?

I want your opinion on how
to announce my pregnancy to my followers.

And so, hang on, take a look.

What do you think of this?

- [Matt] Yeah.
- Not bad. Or there's this.

- Yeah.
- Or this.

Or this, see?

But with booties on the belly.
It's cute, right?

But it won't look
the same at all with you.

Why not?

- Why'd you say that?
- I have no idea.

- I have no opinion.
- Please, it's super important!

I'm a momtrepreneur! A momtrepreneur!

I have to be successful
professionally and maternally.

People really need to see it, so...

You think I'm the right person?
Call the girls.

Well, no.

- You're doing a transference.
- What? Not at all.

- You miss them!
- No.

- You want me to replace your BFFs!
- No.

- First of all, I don't miss them.
- [laughs]

Well, thanks.

See you.

- Mommy's transferring, Eddy!
- Not at all!

- Should we do this?
- Yeah.

- You okay? You need to be relaxed.
- Just jab me. Jab.

- You sure?
- Pff, I'm sure.

- So, I'm doing it? Yeah. It's over.
- Do it.

- [inhales in pain] Ow! Ow.
- There you go.

Ow!

It's done.

You okay?

Yeah, I didn't feel a thing.

No, usually, with my fear of needles,
it's the girls...

[heavy sigh]

Girls?

- Is the emotional roller-coaster starting?
- Not at all.

I swear, this won't affect me. I'm sure.

[high-pitched wailing]

[man on PC] ...the blob is fed
with its favorite meal, oatmeal.

He simply loves it.

[Elsa sobbing]

My love, you need to get some sleep.

- How can you expect me to sleep?
- Well...

See, it's crazy, this animal's
so close to us, and nobody knows!

And it's not really a human, nor...

nor is it a plant. [inhales]

- Nor an animal, see?
- Yes. Right.

It's a blob, you know.

- [sobbing]
- Don't you have a big work thing tomorrow?

f*ck, leave me alone, now!

I know what I'm doing. [yells]

How convenient that it just happens

to be the woman who has to deal
with the hard stuff during IVF!

[Nicole] Being a caregiver
is all or nothing.

If you've lost your vocation,
I'm not going to hold you back.

But it'll be hard on the patients, though.

If they've grown too attached
to that ugly mug of yours.

[Antoine chuckles]

- My ugly slow mug!
- Yeah. Hmm.

And nobody can blame you for wanting
to talk to a computer. [chuckles]

No, Nicole, that's not it.
I think I'm too old for this.

Right, for losing your life
to protect others?

- Yeah, you're definitely too old for this.
- No, it's just...

- [phone rings]
- Oh...

Sorry, I have to take this.

Hello?

[Charlotte] Congrats, bro,
for the job in Paris!

Thanks.

But what's really up?

You've been congratulating me
by text for 32 years.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, I'm calling you.
[clicks tongue, inhales]

I also wanted to tell you
that I finally left Maxime.

Everyone will be happy.

JUST CANCER

Okay, perfect. And you? Are you okay?

[sharp inhale]

Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm great. Uh...

Listen, I have to go, because

I can't really talk, I'm in a bookstore.

Okay, okay. Well, bye.

Oh, and um,

so I was diagnosed with a little lump,
a little cancer, but it's nothing.

It's teeny-tiny, teensy, there.
All good, don't worry. I'm doing great.

Love you!

[emotional exhale]

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

This isn't happening.

[sniffles]

Yeah? Yeah, Antoine.

Where are you? I'm coming.

No, please don't.

No, please, Antoine. [inhales]

I just need to know that you know
and that you're there.

But I need to handle
this alone, you understand?

I need to know that
I can count on you to count on me.

No, I can't do that, Charlotte.

I can't do that.

[women murmur]

But I need you to do it for me.

And I need you to keep this to yourself.

Otherwise, it's not this stupid lump
that's going to k*ll me,

it's the pity in people's eyes.

[woman] Is she okay?

[shaky voice]
I'm stronger than that. You know?

So now, you're going to keep
taking care of people who really need it.

And, um,

I'm going to start
taking care of myself, for real.

Okay?

All right. But you'll never stop me
from taking care of you. [shaky breath]

[chuckling]

I know. [sniffles]

Hmm.

Okay.

See you, best bro del mundo.

[sighs] See you, little sister.

[huffs]

[heavy sigh]

Wear that jacket, makes you look slimmer.
It's great, come on.

- [gate creaks]
- Hey! Harvey Weinstein's here.

[rooster crows]

- Hello.
- [Emilie] I hope you're proud of yourself.

What's he doing here?

I need asylum. Just two weeks.
I need people to forget about me.

Girls in Paris
are spitting on me in the street.

- Don't you like that?
- [sighs]

You think this toxic, dysfunctional
male role model is good for Eddy?

Don't worry about Eddy. He's a feminist.

He's the generation after Z, so.

Come to think of it, is it Generation A?

Does it start over? Anyway.

- You want political asylum?
- Please.

Give me your phone for starters.

When you're in my home,
you do what I want. Give it.

Go put on the same outfit as Matt
and pretend to work for me.

I'll explain in the car.

- [Emilie] In the garage!
- Yup.

And brush your hair, this won't do.

And then, they leave Roger la Grenouille,
like two little blowhards,

and they end up
in front of the jellyfish t*nk.

And then, he says to her:

[Suzanne laughs]

"I really want you."

And since the girl is hesitating...

[Suzanne laughs]

...he tells her:
"Come on, don't be a whore!"

[both laughing loudly]

That's awesome! [laughs]

[whirring sound]

No, guys, stop it.

Stop.

Because I've seen a lot of boring stuff.

All of Vivaldi's operas,
my sister's dance recitals,

even a few of my father's
dermatology conferences, but this! Wow!

And I'm sorry, but it doesn't bother you
that it's based on Jules and me?

It's got nothing to do with it.
It's not a man whore.

When they told me your boyfriend
used to be a man whore,

honestly, my respect
for you seriously went up.

- Ow! What's gotten into you?
- Shut the hell up, will you? That's what!

Piotr must be turning over in his...
He must be stirring,

because it's just ashes, nothing,
just like his foundation.

So I'm out of here.

There! I quit, alright?

No, because, why help women, huh?

Seriously, it's so easy to be one!

Bunch of losers!

Elsa!

[Chantal] Elsa, come back.

Wait! Hey, hey! Elsa!

I know your hormones
are having a party right now,

but you went overboard.

Sorry, I drew inspiration
from what was around me.

Are you two so desperate you can't
see Suzanne is manipulating both of you?

- Where do you get off?
- Yeah.

I mean, she's toying with you!

You're like her little dolls
she French-kisses in turns.

Seriously, wake the f*ck up.

[Chantal scoffs]

- I mean...
- Seriously...

Wait, you and Suzanne? I doubt that.

Yes. And you would've told me
if she and you...

Same goes for you, no?

Actually, Suzanne and I are dating. There!

But it's a secret.

Look.

This morning, from Suzanne.

"My wild pig,"
flame emoji, potato emoji, star emoji.

Okay. This morning, from Suzanne.

"Your ass. Your ass. Your ass."
Fingers inside the goat. Sun emoji.

f*ck.

[Chantal] Me first.

- Go ahead, tell her.
- Tell him.

Tell you what?

[Roman] Well...

That I slept with both of you? [snickers]

[laughs] No, I'm sorry, but,

are you like those people who think women
only have sex when they have feelings?

- Well...
- So you need labels.

It reassures you.

Gay, bi, straight, polyamorous,
pansexual, no one gives a damn.

It's a shame, because the three of us
were having fun.

And you ruined it
with your obsession about being a couple.

Okay, I'm already bored.

Get lost now. Forget about me.

Kisses. Bye.

[Emilie] We're almost done.

About the barn,
what I had in mind based on the plans...

these are the Serbian workers
working for me.

- Hello, gentleman.
- Maxime Pauillac, pleasure.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- [low voice] sh*t.
- How do you find the space here?

Should we create an opening?

It's crazy hot in here.

[Matt] The opening is a good idea.

- You need a purlin.
- What are you doing?

- And you'll see those magnolias bloom.
- Yeah.

- [Helene] Yes.
- I'd keep the stone, they're hewn stones.

- [Matt] It's gorgeous.
- Yes, they're from Champagne.

- [Helene] Like in the Louvre.
- Indeed.

- It's magnificent...
- They're beautiful.

- Don't!
- [groans]

[birds chirping]

- Okay, listen.
- [low voice] Get down.

Let me show you something in the garden.

- [Matt] With pleasure.
- [Helene] Yes.

- No. You'll catch a cold. Don't bother.
- [Emilie] Oh.

- So, near the chapel...
- Tell me a little about it.

[Emilie whispers] Nympho!

BREAST SELF-EXAM

["Teenager" by Silly Boy Blue playing]

RECENT CALLS - MILOU AND ELSA

♪ I care a lot ♪

♪ I fall for strangers ♪

[grunting]

♪ I blame my heart ♪

[groans, puffs]

[sniffles]

♪ I don't make moves ♪

ELSA'S DREAM

♪ But I don't need proofs ♪

ELSA'S BIG FAMILY

♪ I've hated myself more
Than you'll ever do ♪

[baby cooing]

♪ I'm not perfectly quiet ♪

♪ Or perfectly calm ♪

♪ Or perfectly anything
They'll always want me to ♪

BUSINESSWOMAN

♪ Always been loud
So you could see me in crowds ♪

♪ Hopelessly scared
To fully disappear too ♪

INJECTION REMINDER

- ♪ Baby, I'm not what you've signed for ♪
- There you go. Okay.

♪ Ooh-ah ♪

MY FAMILY

♪ How could you be so sure? ♪

[Matt] We'll put it here.
Where do you want it? Over here, right?

Behind the green.

Behind the green, okay.

[giggles]

♪ I've lost a friend ♪

INJECTION REMINDER

♪ Been ruined by lovers ♪

♪ Ruined by lovers ♪

Oh, gross.

WINNER
FIRST OUT OF THREE

♪ Too proud to say ♪


FIRST PERIOD

- ♪ Say ♪
- ♪ How truly I miss her ♪

FRIENDSHIP PACT

NEVER SPLIT UP

NEVER STEAL EACH OTHER'S BOYFRIENDS
[EVEN AN EX]

NEVER LEAVE ELSA
ALONE FOR A sh*t

NEVER LIE
AND NEVER HIDE ANYTHING

- ♪ It's okay to cry ♪
- ♪ It doesn't mean you're not brave ♪

NEVER MAKE OTHERS THINK
THEY'RE NOT IMPORTANT TO US

♪ I'm not perfectly quite ♪

[sniffles]

♪ Or perfectly calm ♪

[doorbell rings]

I CAN'T
I HAVE CHEMO

♪ Or perfectly anything
They'll always want me to ♪

♪ Always been loud
So you could see me in crowds ♪

♪ Hopelessly scared
To fully disappear too ♪

- [cries]
- [sighs]

[crying]

It's going to be okay.

[music fades]

[puffs, inhales]

[camera beeps]

Hello, my lovely followers!

So, today, I have a big surprise for you.

[inhales] And speaking of big,

the surprise
isn't the only one getting big.

And for this, I decided to do an unboxing.

That way, you can guess more easily.

[clicks tongue]

What is it?

[phone chimes]

It's little booties, look,

that are really small, and so,

- that... that means...
- [door opens]

Oh.

[sighs]

[Antoine] Hi.

- [Antoine] How are you?
- Where were you?

- In Paris.
- For the new job?

Uh, no.

Not really. [sighs]

[heavy sigh]

I'm trying to rejoice. I'm trying.

But it's not like with Eddy.

Do you really want it?

I... I don't know.

But, uh, he... he's here.

[sighs]

But maybe the timing is wrong?

[sighs]

Alright. Okay, good talk.

No, wait, Milou. Milou, Milou.

Uh, you're right.
It's... It's not the right time, but, um...

It's you and it's me.

Well, for nine months, it's mostly me.

Do you not want it anymore?

[inhales]

- I have to go work.
- Milou.

[both sigh]

Look at me.

Whatever you decide, I'm with you.

Everything you're feeling, I feel it.

You know that, right?

[Milou sighs]

[both laugh]

You know, Matthieu, you really get it.

You're in tune with what's right,
beautiful, and simple.

You know,

you're ready.

[Matt] But ready for what?

Well, ready, for the absolute.

Ready to welcome the achieved dream.

Love.

- [Max] All right.
- [chuckle]

Well, that's great.

It's funny,
you chicks today like sensitive guys,

who talk about flowers, who cry.

Well, "chicks," as you put it,

well, yes.

- Chicks like men who are vulnerable.
- That's right.

They like men who question themselves.

Who aren't satisfied
with just being themselves,

"Yeah, sorry, but that's the way I am."

They like... Shh!

- [faint crying]
- What's going on here?

Someone is crying.

[in Spanish] Callate.

Wait.

[whimpers]

Oh dear, oh dear, you're crying.

- Tell me, what's wrong?
- [sniffles]

Are you okay?

No.

Oh, that little face.

Those rosy cheeks.

Hmm.

You're pregnant.

[Helene] Hmm.

[strangled voice] I don't want it.

I don't want it, it's awful.

I can't stop feeling guilty.

I love my husband.

I love my son.

I have everything to welcome this new kid.

And plus, baby two. Babykins.

[sniffles]

But I barely had time for the first one,

and now I don't feel up to the task.

I can't handle it.

- You understand?
- Listen, I...

I never give out advice,

but all I stand for in life is freedom.

You have to take things lightly.
And follow your little star.

Anyway, you don't need me.

You've made your choice.

- sh*t. She wants to abort?
- [Helene] That's a good thing.

It's the right choice.

- Shut up.
- Yeah.

It's going to be fine.

- Thank you. [sobs]
- Yes, come on.

- [laughs]
- [Emilie sniffles]

Of course!

[woman] You'll arrive at the hospital
around 6:00 a.m.,

and if all goes well,
you'll be out the next day.

Uh, all right.

Alright. Great.

I mean, no. Not great.

Um, do you think that I could...

could there be an earlier appointment?

It feels strange
to know you're living with this thing.

No, but I'll put you on the waiting list.

All right, great.

[low voice] Why are you here?

Thank you, ma'am.

So, what are you doing here?

Uh, you know, I had a spare key.

- Yeah. So?
- That doesn't matter.

I'm here about Emilie.

She needs you girls.

I'm bloated,
I have zits everywhere, I'm just gross.

No, not at all.

And it's the last one. Come on.

[pained sigh]

There, it's done.

All good, it's over. See?

[Elsa] Hmm.

Well, then. All that's left is to hope.

[gentle piano notes]

[Elsa chuckles]

[knocking]

[Elsa sighs]

[door opens]

[melancholic music rising]

[inaudible]

[medical device beeps]

[music fades]

[melancholic music resumes]