03x01 - The Wrong Plan

[bunniefuu]

[bubbling sound]

I'm so happy we're together again.

- Me too.
- Just like before.

[gasps] sh*t, we've never been apart
this long!

[gasps]

[singing in Siouan] Thunpi anpetu wasté.

What?

It's Sioux. My mother taught me.

Happy birthday to you, my boo!

- Thunpi anpetu wasté. [cheers]
- Happy birthday to you!

[squeals]

Then again, who else could you
have celebrated your birthday with?

Honestly, who else besides your real BFF?

I can't believe what she did.

- Anyway, I don't want to talk about it.
- Yeah...

She barely apologized.

And she said it was over,
that it was just a "one sh*t,"

when clearly, it wasn't.

It's insane to not be able to forgive,
because to forgive is to grow.

Yeah...

And they broke up like 102 years ago.

And it's not just about sex
between Max and I.

This is true love, after all.

- Anyway, I don't want to talk about it.
- Yes, let's stop there.

- Who cares about all that?
- Yeah.

- Who cares? [scoffs]
- For real.

- So, you still see her?
- And you still see her?

No.

A NETFLIX SERIES

[upbeat music playing]

THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

I mean, it depends on
what you mean by "seeing."

I do see her face, but just in passing,
on social media...

Oh, good! [chuckle]

Sorority, sorori-me,
sorori-you, sorori-us!

- [knocks on table]
- [Emilie chuckles]

How are things at the foundation?
Do you miss Piotr a lot? Since he d*ed?

No, he's here.

- Oh, I see.
- Yes.

- But...
- I mean, his ashes are.

Yeah, fine, but he can't really work.

Hmm. I'm making
great progress on my own,

on awesome projects,
and there's Suzanne, her daughter,

who handles things remotely,
and we get along great. It's ideal.

- You're ideal.
- Thanks.

Why don't you guys
come to the country this weekend?

To recharge.

Far from the pollution.

Why, because Elsa can't come?

Not at all.

I'm inviting you because I love you.

[chuckles]

Eh!

Sorori-love, sorori-sis, sorori-sex!

[laughs]

For this weekend?

Because honest to God, the countryside
at the moment is so divine.

- But isn't it crazy cold?
- What?

Not at all. It's a micro-climate.

I'm sure, but I'm ovulating this weekend.

- You're ovulating all weekend?
- Well, yes.

Well, come ovulate at my place.

No, I'm trying to avoid moving around.

And I've set an alarm, too,
to go pee on my fertility test.

She and the man-whore
really want to reproduce?

That doesn't fit
with her whole sustainability thing.

What is that?

- It's Gayusha, she's a fertility goddess.
- Yes.

We've been trying to have a baby
for a while, but this time it'll work.

It's a gift from my shaman.
I mean, it costs 63 euros, but...

- Then it's not a gift.
- Yes, it is.

- The cassoulet!
- Wow!

It's the vegan cassoulet!

[gasps] I love it!

Namaste. Thank you!

- It's delicious.
- And the plating is nice.

Yeah, it is.

- You need to mix it, like this.
- Isn't it already?

- No.
- It looks like they've already mixed it.

- The flavors burst in your mouth.
- Yeah.

Around my place? It's a basin.

It never gets cold.
And your brother will be happy to see you.

No, sorry, it's gonna be complicated.

- sh*t.
- I'm overwhelmed right now.

Because of Pinkars?

No, it's running itself. I work from home.

- I'm probably going to sell it.
- Are you?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Max wants to.

We're focusing
on the campaign, love, politics.

[gasps] Emilie, sitting in front of you,

- is the next President of the Republic.
- Wow, that big!

For now, we're aiming for mayor
of one district, but...

What do you mean "we"?

There's only one mayor in the end...

He's me, I'm him.
It's the same thing. When he wins, I win.

But it's more like
you're paying and he's getting it.

Wait, she's going into politics?

No, actually, it's not her.
That's the thing...

What voters is she representing?

A reckless 33-year-old in a world
facing an environmental disaster?

- Yeah.
- You're not hungry?

Very, uh,

but I'm practicing

abstinence.

sh*t.

Hang on, but...

- how's Antoine taking it?
- What?

No, I mean, you're abstaining from...

I'm... oh, come on. You thought sex?
No. Food.

[chuckles] A diet.
I mean, seriously, Elsa.

- Okay!
- [laughs]

But you know, Milou,
a diet is not always...

- Okay, but come on.
- It's not.

Why do you want a boob job?

Well, to be perfect for him.
Isn't that what love is?

I don't think so.

[stutters, clicks tongue]

Britney, Rihanna.

Hmm?

Oh, Namaste. Great.

- What's that?
- Waste.

Waste?

- It's for my compost.
- Meaning?

Compost is much more effective
than any chemical fertilizer.

What I would like is to collect
all the peelings from the city

and send them to farmers.

No, you're right.

She wants Parisians to dump
their compost in farmers' faces?

That's right.

Let's just throw them our poop
while we're at it.

I'm growing a small vegetable garden
in the courtyard.

- That's awesome.
- And we put everything in there.

- Okay.
- Even our poop.

And it yields delicious vegetables.

You want some?

Do I want what?

After that, she eats the vegetables.

- She's taking her yoga thing really far.
- Yeah, I gotta admit.

Ah!

Ooh!

Emilie, here's the big moment!

- Is that my present?
- Yes!

- For you.
- Oh, thank you.

Ta-da!

- It's the smaller version?
- That's right. It's its baby.

[laughs]

It costs a little less,
but it's still expensive!

Hey, thanks.

- She loves her present.
- Yeah, thank you.

- Oh, I'm not talking to you.
- You're on the phone?

What is it?

Is it a turd?

- No, it's a seed.
- Oh.

- From Parapoutna.
- What's that?

- It's good luck in India.
- It is?

I'll take it. Because honestly,
let me tell you, lately, with Antoine...

Just a sec! Fertility pee!

Right now?

Okay. Gayusha!

It does look like a dehydrated turd.

So, how is Eddy doing?

He's fine. Well, I say, "fine,"
but, you know, he's two.

As in "terrible twos."

- Oh my God. I love you so f*cking much!
- I love you, too.

[low voice] Still no.

Yeah, of course.

What about your address?

- Well, I told you, if you want...
- No.

We need to work on your speech.
Absolutely. Yeah.

Okay, you're really the best.

- Hello, I'm talking to you.
- Huh?

- You, Milou.
- Oh. Sorry...

Okay, she's not listening to me.

- I gotta run.
- Already?

Yeah. It's on me.

- But...
- I put it down here. Yes.

I'm ovulating! I need to go have sex!

Sorry!

Can you front me for lunch?
I'll trade you for a favor.

- What?
- Namaste, Milou. Let me take Gayusha.

- But...
- Thanks.

No, I can't.

Oh wow! Milou! Fingers crossed.

See you!
Yes, I'm coming. I'll meet you there.

- Kisses. Ciao. Yeah, okay.
- Oh.

We're back in business?

So, how are you, Emilie?

Getting used to the countryside?
How's Antoine? Better?

Yes. Well, there. Yes, I'm hungry.

- Oh! Hurry up and put this on!
- [panting] Okay, okay.

[both moaning]

You're so... you're so beautiful.
Oh God.

- [Elsa] It's been so long.
- Yes.

- Hang on, hurry!
- Yeah.

- Oh! Ooh!
- sh*t. Come on!

Ooh!

[both groan]

- Kiss me! Kiss me!
- Yes.

[both panting]

- [Elsa sighs] Look.
- Wow.

Is this for the ritual?

Yeah, I figured Gayusha
should feel at home.

- Yeah, of course.
- Wait.

[panting]

There.

[shamanic chant playing]

That's pretty loud.

[whispering] Please let me get pregnant.
Please let me get pregnant.

Please let me get pregnant.

- Okay. Come on.
- I'm coming.

- Yeah.
- I want you. One sec.

- Hang on.
- Let me turn it down.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait.

- Come, my love.
- All right.

- Ooh!
- [Julio moans]

- [panting] There.
- [moaning] Yes.

- [Elsa] I love you.
- Me too.

Please let me get pregnant.

- [upbeat music playing]
- Wait. Yes, like this.

[gasps]

- We're beautiful.
- No doubt about it.

We're beautiful.

The PR genius and the lady entrepreneur.

- The magical union.
- [Charlotte sighs]

The dream team.

The winning duo.

[upbeat music rising]

So hot.

You're the one who's hot.

Love.

- [Maxime] Glory.
- Beauty.

- Money.
- [Charlotte] Success.

[panting]

- Gifts.
- CAC 40.

- Traveling.
- Usufruct.

- No! Property!
- You're right. Property. Of course.

- Vacation.
- Oh, sh*t, I, um...

[Charlotte moans]

He's a caretaker. You see?

Yeah, but the second lockdown
wiped him out.

Burn out.

But it's only natural.

Anyway, ever since,
he hasn't gone back to work at all.

He's unemployed.

So now, we can't afford
to rent a place in Paris.

Good thing my grandmother
gave us her house.

She actually
likes her nursing home a lot.

Yeah. Except she complains
there aren't enough guys

since they die earlier.

Yes, because you guys die younger.
Bet you didn't know that.

Hmm. [clicks tongue]

So, while waiting
for things to get better,

we're stuck in the countryside,
and honestly,

we're bored and freezing our asses off.

[heavy exhale]

[decelerating sound]

[heavy breathing]

Oh, f*ck.

[claps, heavy breathing]

That was good.

[woman] Hi!

Oh! Hi, Suzanne.

Well, you...

you should have told me
you were dropping by,

I have a lot of work.

Well, I can drop by whenever I want.
This is my building. Right?

Well, my soon-to-be nightclub.

Anyway, this is really helping out
the foundation, even if it's temporary.

Ah! Suzanne. Look.

I put your papa here. On the shelf.

In fact, I thought you might want
to think about planting him.

Huh?

No, because there's a cemetery,
well, it's not really a cemetery.

It's more like a forest,

where ashes are used to grow trees.

That's awesome.

Elsa, honestly, do we really have
to do this dumb foundation thing?

Can we do something else?
Don't you want to find some other thing?

We could create a brand of sweatshirts.
Or a**l jewelry. Now that's great!

Or even better,
socks with your dog's face on them.

Right, but Suzanne, I don't have a dog.

Who cares?
It's hot on Instagram right now.

Then, we collect the money
and we give it to associations.

Because honestly, Elsa,
I'm feeling oppressed.

I've got this super annoying
charity thing, with you to boot.

[heavy sigh]

And I'm forced to do this whole thing,
otherwise I'm gonna lose my inheritance.

Yes, I understand. I do.

But what the foundation
really needs are women's projects, so I...

Yes, that's nice, Elsa. If by Monday,

you don't have something sexy to show me,
you're finito. Fired.

Oh, no, no, no.
Suzanne, please, not Monday.

Besides, anyway, the foundation
is here to help, not sell...

Shut up.

Kisses. Bye.

[both laughing]

- Ta-da!
- Come on, stop!

Cha, come on!

But we're here.

Come on, stop it!

- That's your winning headquarters?
- Yes!

[laughs]

Hang on. Look. Wait.

- [metal rattling]
- [grunting]

- What are you doing?
- Wait. Hang on.

Wait. You're not going to believe it.

Are you kidding?

Come on!

sh*t, it's... here.

Headquarters just for the campaign
in the middle of the 9th district.

[sings] This is your kingdom!

- How much did you pay for this?
- A ton!

But it's for a good cause.

A ton? For this unhealthy place?

There's asbestos here for sure.

More importantly,
there's room for the whole district!

Hey, dickhead, something wrong?

Isn't this kind of big for him?

- Chantal!
- Our campaign manager.

No, hang on. We're paying her? To...

Well, I'm paying her.

Yeah, I would never work for you for free.

- I know what you're like.
- Exactly! She knows everything about you.

It's a win-win!

Well, right now,
it's more of a "lose-lose."

- I don't know if you've seen the polls.
- No.

- No?
- Yeah. Green party, 17%.

Maxime Pauillac, two.

- Two?
- Two.

[Charlotte] Okay.

- Hmm. Hurts, doesn't it?
- Yeah, that's not... not awesome at all...

In the meantime, I got the posters.

Oh! Okay. All right. Hold on.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

- What?
- Suspense. Ooh!

Come on! Do it.

[Charlotte] Yes!

MAXIME PAUILLAC
THE TIME FOR NINE

All right! Now I feel confident.

Oh, yeah, it's...

it is great.

- It's beautiful, but...
- k*ller.

- But, I mean, I'm a little...
- [Maxime] What?

Small.

Maxime's decision,
according to the printer.

- But I mean, it's not...
- Because it's kind of...

If there's too much information on
a poster, the message gets muddled.

And here, the message is me.

And you. The message is
you and me, so it's us.

- Hmm.
- Huh?

Anyway, to kick the Green candidate's ass,
I had an idea.

- [phone chimes]
- We'll add a tree.

Or a flower. That's a good idea.

HELP! SHE WANTS TO FIRE ME!

- It gives a green vibe.
- [Charlotte] Yeah, green stuff.

Okay. I gotta go.

Well, I'll let you two get settled in,
dickhead and, uh,

well, vaghead, I suppose.

Or a panda.

Pandas are reassuring.

Chantal! Chantal!

By the way,

that whole "cum face" thing
was totally not true.

His face when he comes
isn't like like what Elsa said...

- Yes, it is.
- No, I swear!

No. On the contrary, his face is very...

- I'll call you.
- No. Very cute. Very...

- [loud slam]
- [Chantal] sh*t!

[Maxime] "My fellow French citizens..."

The acoustics aren't that great.

There's some crazy reverb.

Actually, Charlotte got herself
trapped in this love story

that doesn't suit her at all.
But she can't see it!

That's all we see, of course, but...

And since Max is Elsa's ex... [scoffs]

No one wants to see them,
and so the g*ng is cut in half.

So here we are.

And besides, yeah, right,
I didn't tell you!

Sorry, did I wake you?

See, the thing is that Charlotte
used to date Matt in secret!

Matt, another friend from the g*ng,
can you imagine? What a curfuffle!

[whirring sound]

Hmm.

What's the emergency, Elsa?

f*ck. I'm in deep sh*t, Chantal.

I have to save the foundation
by Monday or she'll fire me.

Don't worry.

- We're going to blow Suzanne's mind!
- Yeah.

Oh!

Uh,

a clear project.

Okay?

An objective.

I don't know, a...

sh*t. Oh, f*ck!

Don't you have any seats here?

[Elsa] A clear project. An objective.

Hmm. That's a good idea.

[upbeat electronic music playing]

- No.
- Yes.

Uh, and a vision.

- That's it, a vision!
- What is your vision?

[sharp inhale]

Well, this morning,
while walking in the street,

I thought to myself
that what really speaks to me

is nature and women. Gaia.

We've lost this fundamental connection
between the sacred Earth and the feminine.

Women. The Earth.

They're like two sisters who don't
get each other anymore.

You know?

Okay. Women's reinsertion through ecology.

That's it! sh*t, that's it!
That's exactly it! You're a genius!

[whirring sound]

Any projects matching that?

Uh, yes, actually.

I have leads.

- No.
- Stop it.

I have leads.

But anyway, I called them in to present
their projects as soon as possible.

However, you know,
I can't stay too late, because I...

Yeah, you're in your fertility
window, you need to go f*ck.

Okay. Go!

One of them is on her way!
One of them's coming!

- Get ready. Grab a seat.
- Great.

And Elsa, she's only interested
in her uterus, so,

good luck with that.

No, because I tried to get them
to make up, as you can imagine.

It was a total fail. [scoffs]

This whole thing is just hell.

There are so many flavors! It's delicious!

[woman] Thanks you.

- You sure you don't want any?
- No.

Okay.

So, uh...

So, this is...
this is breast milk ice cream?

- Yeah, yeah. Yes.
- So, we're really talking about milk...

Mm-hmm.

...you know, that, uh,

came, uh, from ladies' breasts?

- [woman] Yes.
- Yes, yes, yes.

- Is it yours?
- [woman] Yes, absolutely.

[satisfied moan]

- You can tell.
- [woman] It's from my first child,

I intend to reach out to pregnant mothers
in the very near future.

- Mm. This is good.
- Thank you.

Well, what? For one thing, It's organic.

When is the next one getting here?

Oh, sh*t, I forgot to tell you.

lunch with Milou
was almost like before.

She obviously likes me better than Elsa.

- She even invited us over.
- Oh, f*ck.

No, don't worry, I said no.

- We need to work on the campaign.
- They just published a new poll.

- Yeah?
- The Green Party is up to 18%.

Yeah, but did you talk
about global warming in your interview?

- Yeah.
- [Charlotte] Yeah?

What did you say?

Well, I said that...

What did you say?

Well, I said I was sorry, but I've never
been colder than this winter.

Oh, f*ck. Okay.
When do they wrap up the article?

Sunday.

Oh, f*ck! Okay.

So, we have the weekend to make you
look like Greta Thunberg.

Yes, I'm talking to you. Okay.

What do we do?
What do we do? What do we do?

What do we do?
What do we do? What do we do?

Yeah. Oh!

I have a genius idea.

She wants Parisians to dump
their compost in farmers' yards?

That's right.

Let's just throw them our poop
while we're at it.

You know what compost is?

Yes.

What is it?

It's, uh... well, it's the, you know...

- [Charlotte] Huh?
- It's just... tell what a...

A tampon you plant?

No. A vegetable tampatch.

And see, inside,
there's a little squash seed,

and your period, well,
it helps it germinate.

Provided that you plant it, of course.

But are we sure there isn't
a risk of toxic shock?

Well, no, not at all.

[gasps] Hold on, is there?

Good thing I have my followers.
Yeah. They're loyal, at least.

Yes, because I have an Insta account.

if you want to follow me,
it's called Decountrymom.

"Deco" as in "decorating."
"Country" as in, well, "countryside."

And "Mom" like, well, "Mommy."

"Mommy," not like a mummy.
Like "mom," "mommy," without...

Anyway, it's really popular. You should...

[gasps]

[upbeat electronic music playing]

[phone chimes]

NEW APPOINTMENT
IN OISE FOR WORK QUOTATION

Finally, another project.

[upbeat electronic music continues]

Hi, you momtrepreneurs!

Today, I'm meeting with Arnaud,

who has entrusted his living room
into Decountrymom's expert hands.

- Hello, Arnaud!
- Hello.

So... oh, wow. Oh, my.

- [laughs] What's this I see?
- No, but... Wait, wait.

This place needs a little freshening up!

Oh, I'm telling you, good thing I'm here.

So, suspense, girls!

See you again real soon
for an awesome before and after!

See you! Kisses!

There, I'm done!

[inhales] So, what are we aiming for?
An industrial look?

Less... boary?

Well, no.
You see, actually, the toilet is clogged.

[toilet rumbling]

Toilet? But I'm not a plumber,
I'm an architect.

- Aren't you wearing a plumber's belt?
- Uh, no, an architect's belt.

- On Insta, it says "all kinds of work."
- Architectural work.

- What the hell am I doing here? No.
- What if I follow you?

No. No. No.

And if I tag you in a story?

[toilet rumbling continues]

- Fine, where's the toilet?
- This way.

[groans]
It's too bad. This really is very ugly.

- And so, this is...
- A "One Old Woman Show."

Yes, but for children. At one point,
the environment is mentioned, right?

Hmm. I thought it was a shame kids were
left out by stand-up comics. It's true.

Since they have a crappy sense of humor,
and so do I, well, it's a perfect match.

- [Elsa] Hmm.
- [Chantal] Hmm.

[inhales] But, uh, the foundation
supports women.

- Oh, Chantal, that's discrimination.
- [Elsa] Yeah, kind of.

But Roman, you're not a woman,
you're dressed up as one.

Okay, when's the next project
getting here?

Well, there isn't a next one.

- Can I begin?
- Yeah, go ahead, Roman.

- Excuse us.
- [Roman] Great.

One, two, three, go for it!

Hello, kiddos! It's Mrs. Doubtwater!

And today,
we're going to be looking at bananas.

But careful, make sure
you don't go bananas! [laughs]

Don't go bananas! That's funny.

[Roman and Elsa chuckle]

- Elsa?
- Yes.

- You're in deep sh*t.
- Yes.

Mm.

Good thing we're together, because...

[relaxing music playing]

...my professional life is a complete mess.

Tell me about it.

The music label is putting
so much pressure on me.

Okay. Sorry, this is all we had.

Pickles.

But I don't understand.

You were so glad.
You told me they were the best.

The label is great, but the producer,

I think he's too full of himself.

He's rushing me all the time,
and I'm struggling, I...

Nothing I create works.

- And there's us.
- Yes.

I guess maybe I should think
more about the future.

Especially if we have a child.

At least my father found
a better-paying job as soon as I was born.

Yeah, but he never made music again.

He blamed you for it all his life.

I really don't know why you're
stressing out so much,

because we're going great, aren't we?

[bell jangles]

Hang on. Who is it?

Who's that? Don't move.
I'll be right back.

- Oh, I'm not moving.
- Yep.

Yes?

- [speaking German]
- Hi. Are you looking for someone?

- [speaking German]
- You are...

- [speaking German]
- No, wait.

- Do you know Airbnb?
- Yes?

What?

- [speaking German] ...Günther.
- Hello?

Günther. Hang on two "minuten."

- Who are they?
- I don't know.

[speaking German]

We made a mistake with the Airbnb dates.

It's supposed to be 2/10, not 10/2.

Wait, wait. Does this mean we rented
the place for today?

Yeah, for two months.

There! Caught red-handed!

You owe me two months' rent and you
have the nerve to illegally sublet!

What?

- No.
- No.

- I'm kicking you out.
- What?

Yeah, I get it. It's no big deal, man.
See you. Ciao.

- We can't stay with Roman.
- Hmm?

- That only leaves your mother.
- Oh, no. Over my dead body. No.

- It's just for one night.
- [shouts] No!

[Emilie sighs]

DADDY IS UNEMPLOYED

[grunts] f*ck!

What a shitty day!
Stupid train, stupid BFFs, f*cking toilet.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hi.

[whispers] What's he doing here?

Ever since Charlotte got with Max,
he's been kinda down, you know?

Because we're dancing the hokey pokey?

Can't he go be depressed elsewhere?

It's just for one weekend.
I couldn't say no.

[Emilie sighs]

You sure Charlotte's not coming?
It'd destroy the poor guy.

Oh, no. I'm sure.
In fact, neither is Elsa.

God knows I offered. I don't know why,
nobody wants to come to the countryside.

I really wonder why!

[knocks on door]

What is it? Is it the neighbor again
who wants us to cut down trees

so he can have fiber Internet?

We can't cut trees, damn it!
Do we look like carpenters?

Namaste! [laughs]

- What are you guys doing here?
- Namaste!

- Spontaneous change of plans.
- Totally.

- We're ovulating at your place!
- Oh, okay. All right.

All weekend long.

- Yeah, okay. What a big surprise!
- First time here! What's up?

Hey.

[knocks on door]

[door opens]

Surprise!

-We felt like visiting the countryside!
[Maxime] Take a break from the campaign!

[aggressive electronic music rising]

Well, I think it's going to be
an awesome weekend!

- Right?
- [Antoine] Yeah, I think so too.

Yes? Then say it.

I think it's going to be
an awesome weekend.

- [Emelie] There.
- Yeah.

[upbeat rock music playing]