01x04 - The Love Plan

[bunniefuu]

No, no, no. Victor is going to school, OK?

Wait, he's not sick.

He's faking it again.

You tell him to stop this nonsense, OK?

Voilà. Thank you.
Call me back. Au revoir.

What's going on?
Looks like nobody wants to work today.

Listen, I'm sorry. I'll refund you.

Next time, let me know beforehand.
I have a busy life.

And with her, you're hard?

Who?

Oh, no, no, no. It's not about that.

[giggles] It's OK, no big deal.

I better go to my Pilates class,
that might help.

It won't happen again, I promise.

Well, I hope not. I'm sure you don't have
many regular clients like me.

- [door closes]
- [sighs] Damn it!



THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

[doorbell rings]

[Elsa] Good morning.

- [man] Elsa Payette?
- Mm-hm.

There's no card.

Don't worry about it,
I know exactly who it's from.

Thank you.

[deep exhale]

- Thank you, Daddy, for the flowers.
- As I say, screw that man!

[heavy b*at]

[hip-hop with piano]

[distant children playing]

[horn]

Ta-da!

[Elsa giggles]

[Chantal] Oh...

[giggling turns into sobbing]

[music fades]

- You're not working today?
- No.

What about you?

This afternoon, for a fashion magazine.

Why don't try to get a real job?

Something solid, permanent.

Well, no time, I have my personal project.

You have your cream-puff bar,
I have this, my vision board.

There are oranges and Louis XIV up there.

What's your project?
A smoothie bar in Versailles?

Uh...no, that's...

I'm taking some time
to build my project, actually.

With a credit score below zero?

And you plan on crashing here much longer?

Because this "Airbnbang" was fun

but if I have to put up
with your depression...

I have nowhere to go, Charlotte.

- [knocking]
- [Milou] Chacha, are you there?

- Yeah, hold on, I'll be right there!
- [Milou] Let me in!

[whispers] Hurry up, go hide in there!

- I'm here, just getting changed.
- [Milou] Hurry up!

[Milou] Quick!

- All right!
- I can't hold it.

- He's playing Candy Crush on the toilet!
- Wait a second because...

Uh, all right, but make it quick
because I'm running late.

It's OK, don't worry, I'll shut the door.

[Charlotte] You're pushing it!
You have a sink in your kitchen.

[trickling]

- You think she will get over the whore?
- Yeah, let's talk about that tonight!

Ah, by the way,

we haven't slept for five days downstairs,
are you sh**ting a p*rn movie?

[chuckles] With your dad, right.
With lots of leather.

- Because he likes that, right?
- You're so irritating sometimes.

- All right, see you tonight?
- Yeah, yeah, see you tonight.

Oh, and clean Chips' cage,
it smells freaking horrible.

Soon, it's going to stink
in my house! Ugh.

- His name is Fish and Chips!
- [Milou] Doesn't make any difference.

[whispers] All good!

[whispers] It's all good. She's left now.

Are you OK?

My puff business?

[Charlotte] Yeah?

I lost everything.

- Wait, I don't get it.
- [Matthieu] I f*cked up.

I splurged on the company's card

and the Chinese f*cked me over
on some fine prints in their contract.

I bottomed out, I'm broke.

But that's so unfair, it's your business!

Come on, get out.

Man...

I'll bounce back.

Just don't tell our friends, OK?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Roman] So, what's the plan now?

You keep sleeping with her
but without being paid?

You give a discount
to your couple of athletes.

- What?
- You do two for one.

[scoffs] Totally different, man.

No, no. I f*ck the woman while the guy
watches us from his umpire's chair.

[racing cars rev]

Game, sex...and match. You get it?

[revving continues]

Seriously, what's your plan?
You going to tell her everything?

[Chantal] In two days,
this whole thing will be behind you.

I'm not sure, Chantal.

- This is all so weird to me.
- It's not!

You had a good time,
you're back in the game.

Had a little love story, that's good.

- [Chantal] You're not helping me?
- Nuh-uh.

I saw him three times,
it's not even a love story.

You know what?
There was something about him.

[Elsa] Kind of spontaneous, unpredictable.

[Chantal] Hm. Anyway.

All I know is, if I were dating you,
I wouldn't move to Mulhouse.

- I think I'll call him Jules, you know?
- [Chantal] No, you won't.

[gasps]

Elsa?

[overenthusiastic] Hey!

How are you doing?

- Well, doing great.
- [Elsa giggles]

We reached an agreement
with the owner of the sports hall.

It's temporary but for now
they're in a safe place.

Good!

[Max] Um...

My wedding...

Ah! The girls told me, that's so great!

I didn't know how to say this because,
you know, lately you seemed a bit...

Oh, no, no! No, no!

Because lately I've been dating a guy
and so I turned the page,

and now it's a new chapter
from a new book now, you know?

Good.

And boy, Gaïa is such a...

She's such a...

passionate person, she's curious.

Such a perfect match for you.

- Wow! Wow, wow, wow!
- Yeah...

I hope you can both come
to my birthday party.

Huh? I didn't think
you had anything planned.

Not me but the girls do.

But it's a surprise
so I'm not supposed to know.

- Mouth shut.
- Sure thing.

All right, got to go.
I'm busy to the max, Max.

OK, see you around.

Totally! Hugs and kisses!

[whispers] "Hugs and kisses"?
"Hugs and kisses"?

So, now, you're going to spend your day
being a depressed model, is that it?

Yeah.

"Yeah."

Look at me.
"Last night, I was a homeless dude.

And here I am now
standing on this beautiful boat

and sipping Martinis with famous people."

- Why were you homeless? What are...
- Shush!

"Life's a f*cking awesome gift, dude.

So, enjoy it, Rose."

[exhales deeply]

You're not making any sense,
what are you talking about?

That's the scene I chose
for my acting class.

Titanic. Leo's character. Ring a bell?

You two are the same.

See, Elsa is on the upper deck, there,

you're at the bottom,
in the hold, with rats.

Wasn't it "the most beautiful
love story of all time"?

Hold on, remember what happens
to him on that crate?

Come on, stop it. Everyone knows
two people could fit on that crate.

[Roman] I think you are going to sink.

It's up to you, man.

{\an8}[sigh]

{\an8}BIZET HOSPITAL

[siren]

What's taking so long?
Is he telling them they're having a dwarf?

- Hey, Milou, come on!
- [Milou] Seriously!

[approaching footsteps]

WAITING ROOM

I see it's not just a myth,
nurses are freaking hot.

I won't let you go back to work.

Freaking hot, freaking hot...

Come on, she's not that...
Some are way hotter.

- [door opens]
- For real?

- [man] Good morning.
- [Milou] Ah!

[Antoine] Hello!

[heartbeat]

I imagine it's a rollercoaster
at home at the moment.

- [Milou] No.
- [doctor] Really? You're lucky, then.

Yeah.

- Want to find out?
- [both] No!

[doctor] Ha.

- You'll change your mind. It's typical.
- No, not us, we want to wait.

[heartbeat continues]

[doctor] Any preference?

- Yeah, a girl.
- A boy.

- We agreed on a boy.
- You agreed on a boy.

I want a girl.

[sighs]

A boy.

[electronic version of
"Ta Katie t'a quitté" by Boby Lapointe]

Goodbye, Jules.

Oh, please, not Jules!

[heartbeat]

Oh, he's sucking his thumb!

[Elsa] Aw, she's such a little cutie!

- [Elsa] Look at that!
- [Charlotte] Oh, yeah!

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

[sighs] I could have had this baby
with Jules maybe.

[sighs] Well, he's not yours.

[Milou] He left, that's it,
you need to accept that.

- That was not the point anyway.
- Yeah, right.

- The point of what?
- The point was to...

[male voice] Hello.

Weren't you leaving today?

- Now I'm staying.
- How come you're staying?

[Charlotte] Yeah!

That's right. The guy is supposed to leave
and he ends up staying. What a liar!

These are my friends,
don't worry about them.

Milou, Chacha, Jules.

[Elsa] Jules, Chacha, Milou.

- They are a bit weird sometimes.
- I see that.

- Hey, friends.
- Yeah, hey, pleasure, yeah.

- You have a minute?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

OK.

- You explain what's up with your pal?
- Hey, shut up. He's not my pal!

- [Charlotte] Maybe she paid him?
- [Milou] No way.

[Milou] He's going to blackmail us.

[gasps] Should we k*ll him?

- [Elsa] Oh la la!
- And so?

He's coming tonight. My place.
He's coming for dinner.

Daddy went to a yoga retreat so...

- What?
- [Elsa] It's fine.

- He can do his yoga, right?
- [Charlotte] What about the Mu-losers?

The Mulhousians, the kids from Mulhouse?

- Who's going to teach them stuff?
- Not in the budget.

They had to cut jobs.

Bureaucracy, you know.

- Pure coincidence.
- Right.

- He's mega cute!
- [Charlotte] Yeah...

- Uh, he looks better in pictures.
- Yeah, I agree.

- No, no, no.
- [Milou] Honestly.

- He's mega cute, you're so wrong.
- [Charlotte] No.

[upbeat music]

[music fades into background]

[doorbell]

[Elsa clears her throat]

Hey!

- What are you doing here?
- How are you? Wow! Very pretty.

It's kind of tight, though,
maybe too slutty.

He's here?

No, not yet, but he'll be here
in five minutes so if you could just...

get the hell out.

Just you know that velvet dress
you borrowed from me?

- The one from eight years ago?
- Yeah. Can I get it back?

- You mean tonight?
- Yeah, I'm so sorry.

But it's still your size?

Hm, yeah, why not?

I mean, considering, um...

- I don't see your point.
- Milou, you're a real pain, you know!

[smooth soul]

- So, did you find it?
- [Elsa] Yes, I did!

[reverb and beep]

- This one?
- Yeah.

- OK, here you go.
- This is lovely...

Honey, you know what?

I saw him very quickly earlier,
can I say hi...

No way, Milou!

- It's so pretty, I love the glasses.
- Thank you.

- OK, take it, here.
- Just one thing. Just one last thing.

Remember,
men shouldn't get it all too soon.

- You need to keep a bit of mystery.
- OK, sounds good.

Great, all right, awesome.

- You good?
- Yeah, right, absolutely.

- See you!
- Too tight.

Ah!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- [Jules] How are you?
- [Elsa] Great.

- Here, I brought this.
- Thank you.

[slurps]

The fox is in the henhouse, I repeat,
the fox is in the henhouse.

- [gurgle]
- [Milou] Here we go.

And what do we do if things don't go well?

- Follow him.
- My license isn't valid, you know.

I can rent this thing
but I can't drive it.

What?

- Uh, yeah.
- [sighs]

[Elsa on baby monitor] It's really simple.

- [Jules] I'm happy to be here.
- [Elsa] It's so weird.

Doesn't it feel like...it's the first
time we're seeing each other?

[Jules] Yes, you're right.

- This thing works great, right?
- Mm-hm.

Actually, I could leave the kid at home
and go out for drinks.

- No one does that, Emilie.
- If I go nearby.

- [Elsa] Côtes du Rhône, I love that.
- [interference]

INCOMING CALL: ANTOINE

- [Elsa] You want some?
- [Jules] This looks amazing.

- [Jules] You made all this?
- [Elsa] Yeah.

[Elsa] When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a cook.

[Elsa] But my mom felt it was degrading
so she never encouraged me.

Everything I do is degrading to her.

[smooth soul]

Anyway, you always wanted to teach?

Hm. When I was a kid,
my parents thought I'd become a writer.

[Jules] Or travel the world,
giving talks on intellectual topics.

They never had access to education
so it was very important to them.

- [Jules] And then...
- Hm, not bad.

...my father d*ed when I started college.

And so my mum had to pay off his debts
with her salary as a...she's a caretaker.

[Jules] So I started working to help out.

I am so sorry.

No, don't be sorry.

I love my job.

[Jules] I don't regret a thing.
That's how it is.

My mom is amazing.

She literally sacrificed everything
for me so now it's my turn.

- Shall we start?
- Yeah.

OK, great.

This man is so good!

Yeah, right! Those are not my lines,
that's his own thing.

- For real?
- Yeah.

[interference]

[Milou] Oh, what a pain!

[Elsa] Daddy's recipe. Buon appetito!

What about you?
How did you land at City Hall?

By plane.

- Ah!
- Just kidding.

- [laughter]
- Oh, my God, you suck!

- Lame!
- He finds its funny, he really does!

No, no, I got the job thanks to my ex.
I started with tons of dreams...

[whispers] No! She's talking about her ex,
he's not going to like it.

Charlotte, we don't want it
to go well, remember?

- [whispers] Right.
- Why are you whispering?

- [whispers] I'm not!
- You are!

- [whispers] Fine, I'll stop.
- Stop it!

[whispers] Yes, OK!

So, Jules...

you need to tell me the truth now.

[both gasp]

- [Jules] The truth about what?
- [Elsa] You're hiding something.

- Hey, whoa, what are you doing?
- [whispers] Excuse me, all right.

- What?
- [both] Yeah, what?

[Elsa giggles] Come on!

Why don't you tell me
that my osso buco is disgusting?

Oh! f*ck me!

Damn, I almost got a heart att*ck
from that sh*t!

[Milou] Oh, God!

- You freaked out.
- Yeah, a little bit.

- I mean, not your best one but...
- Absolutely inedible! It's awful!

- But I kept eating it.
- Yeah.

It proves how much I like you.

[smooth soul]

- [Milou] Now he's really hitting on her.
- [Charlotte] Oh, yeah.

Sorry about earlier, it was a bit awkward.
My friends are overprotective sometimes.

- Means it's a strong friendship.
- Yeah.

I love them like sisters but, sometimes,
their "too-much-ness" is tough.

Like, Charlotte is super funny
but a bit out of touch.

[Elsa] And Milou, she's quite
a control freak, it can be annoying.

What? Control freak? That's bullshit!

And me, I'm out of touch?
What does that mean, to be out of touch?

I'd rather be out of touch
than in too much touch.

- Yeah, right. That's right.
- She's making a fool of herself.

Out of touch...

- So, you used to live here as a kid?
- Yeah.

I grew up then went away
then I came back, game over.

It happens sometimes.

And I live with my Dad
as a roommate at 30 years old.

It's just weird to come back to the place

where we used to be all together,
as a family, with my sister, my mom.

- Your mom lives alone?
- My mom is kind of unique.

[Jules] Why?

Well...

I feel bad saying that but...

I think I never felt love from my mom.

She always preferred my sister
because my sister is much more...

more everything.

At least, that's what my mom thinks,
and so do I.

Damn it. Been a long time
since she mentioned that.

For real? She tells me all the time.

- What's going on now?
- Doesn't work?

[giggling and smooching]

- [gasps]
- Oh, man!

[moaning and heavy breathing]

[heavy breathing continues]

[both] Oh, no!

- So, wait, um...Let's...
- Yes?

[knock on window]

[moaning]

Excuse me, are you taking this car?

[man] Because it's the last one.

[heavy breathing]

- Sorry.
- [Milou] That's right.

Damn it!

- We should hang up now.
- No!

What?

- You're disgusting!
- I'm not, I'm protecting my friend!

- He could hurt her?
- One never knows.

At any time, he could have an impulse...
[alternates straining and moaning]

- You know?
- Who do you f*ck?

[Charlotte] Come on with your tits now,
you would.

- I can't, it was way...
- Everyone could see.

[ "L'Amour en solitaire"
by Juliette Armanet]

Wow!

[Charlotte] I'll leave now.

WILL YOU...TELL DADDY...

YOU WANT...TO MARRY HIM...

PLEASE?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Where were you?
I called you so many times.

[Milou] With Charlotte.
[sighs] Kind of a long story.

Well, I kind of waited for you.

I wanted to mark the occasion.

- Yeah, I see that.
- [Antoine] What do you think?

Uh, you dared move my desk for that.

We're going to have a baby.

Maybe it's time
to make it official, right?

- Make what official?
- [Antoine] Well, us.

Emilie...

will you marry me?

[romantic ballad continues]

[Antoine] I know
you weren't expecting it but...

No, I was not expecting this.

Just because I'm pregnant,
we don't have to get married.

- You don't want to?
- No, it's not even a matter of wanting it.

What are these stupid commitments?
We're way above that.

We are committed, Milou,
we're going to have a baby.

I don't understand.

Yeah, I see that, yeah.

- You don't love me?
- Of course I love you but...

- But? What's your problem?
- Ah! You mean that I'm the problem?

[Milou] Antoine...

[romantic ballad continues]

[Milou sighs]

[music stops]

Charlotte, it's me, open up!

- Antoine? What's wrong?
- Can I sleep here tonight, please?

What? Wait, hold on, tell me why.

- Wait, hold on!
- Damn! Fish and Chips!

[silence]

What's that?

- Well...
- We wanted to tell you, man.

Shut up. What's that?

Come on, Antoine, I'm an adult,
I don't need to justify myself, I mean...

Now get your stuff and get lost.

- [Matthieu] Come on!
- Get the f*ck out!

Stop it, Antoine!

- I'm naked!
- Get the f*ck out!

- You bastard!
- What the f*ck, dude?

[Charlotte] Hold on, here you go.

Great! Are you happy now?
Feel like you're in charge?

Can't stand up to your girlfriend
so you take it out on us?

She said no.

["L'Amour en solitaire"
by Juliette Armanet resumes]

[ballad turns into theme tune]