01x08 - The Manager With the Planager

[bunniefuu]

[bucket drumming]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Clyde, I'm pretty parched.

Want to grab some Flippees some Flip's Flippee kiosk?

Clyde's kind of obsessed with drumming.

He's got a real knack for it.

[drumming]

[timer dings] - Ooh!

- I'm the only one who knows

about Clyde's secret love for drumming.

You might say he's a bit of a closeted drummer.

[drumming]

♪ ♪

Clyde!

Clyde!

Clyde!

Clyde, your soufflé is burning.

- What? - Works every time.

- You should see if you can sit in with these guys sometime.

- Sit in with The Bucket Bashers?

I can't do that.

I would never even dream of asking them.

- When your best friends with someone,

you can decipher what they're really trying to say.

- Fit in with The Bucket Bashers?

I would love to.

Do you think you can give me the push I need?

- I hear you, Clyde,

loud and clear.

♪ ♪

- ♪ When the salt comes sprinkling in ♪

[scatting]

♪ Oh, Lord, you've got ♪

♪ To have that shaker ♪

♪ When the salt comes sprinkling in ♪

Oh, that's too much salt,

but a really good song for The Doo Dads.

[chuckles]

[whispers] Maybe my solo album.

- [squeals]

both: I have amazing news!

- Well, mine's really amazing. - Well, mine's totes amazing.

- Totes amazing always beats really amazing in my book.

- So I go? - Yes.

- Totes amazing!

I accidentally got extra credit in my history class.

- Leni, you came. [chuckles]

All the other students must have gotten

their days mixed up. - Not me.

I totally planned on being here...

and know what this is.

- Let's get to work. Come on. - OK, yeah.

I spent the rest of the afternoon

panning for gold with Mr. Rickshaw.

I got a ton of extra credit.

Now all I have to do is get a good grade on my oral report,

and I'm going to get my first A!

- That is totes amazing!

- That is so wonderful!

Me now.

The legendary comic, Joan Shivers,

is headlining this weekend at Sunset Canyon

as a part of her "Not Dead Yet" retirement home tour.

And look down here.

"Opening Act & Trash Clean-Up: Luan Loud."

- I can't wait to go. What time does it start?

- It's the after dinner show. Doors open at : p.m.

- Lincoln?

- Clyde McBride, step into my office.

[thud]

Slide into my office.

- What's going on, Lincoln?

- I'll tell you what's going on:

you, superstar.

I've decided to become your manager.

I'm Lincoln Loud, the manager with the plan-ager.

[dramatic chord]

Your days of closet drumming are over

because your new manager has booked you a gig

with none other than...

The Bucket Bashers.

What do you say to that, Clyde?

- [retching]

- That was your practice bucket, Clyde,

but OK.

How can you not be excited for this opportunity?

- I am excited.

- Clyde, I've seen your excited barf before,

and this is not it.

- Well, it's just that...

I never drummed in front of people before.

- Well, the gig is not for two weeks.

And your manager with the plan-anger

is gonna get you ready with a three-pronged approach.

I'll start you off with some smaller venues--

coffee houses, theater houses,

that log down by the lake where the teenagers hang out.

I don't know what they're doing down there,

but I've always wanted an excuse to find out.

- You know, Lincoln, I like your enthusiasm--

- Prong two...

You know what? I think it's just one prong.

[door creaks] - Hey.

Oops, sorry. What the?

Hey, Linc. Ah, that's it.

Word on the street is you're starting a new talent agency.

I like what you've done with the place.

You know, The Doo Dads are looking

for a primo manager to take us to the next level.

We're about to drop our new album,

"The Doo Dads Do Dads."

That's where we do famous songs by famous dads. Boom.

- We're going for a clientele with a little more of an edge.

- Oh, we're edgy.

Ever hear of matching vests?

- Sounds dope.

Why don't you go sit outside and talk to my assistant?

- Sure, sure. Right out-- - Mm-hmm,

Right out there. - OK, yeah, you got it.

Ah, OK.

- What do you say, Clyde?

Should I book you a trip to the stars,

Bucket Basher style?

- You'll get me some practice gigs?

- Of course.

- And I've got two weeks to get ready?

- Clyde, baby.

- Let's do it.

- I'm just gonna slide my demo under the door, OK?

[groans] Zip!

- How you feelin', kid?

- I never played in front of people before,

so I'm a little nervous.

- That's just stardom tugging at your insides.

Prong one, baby.

[inhaler hisses]

- What? - Hey.

I heard about your po-tench A,

and I was just stopping by to see how the studying is going.

- Terrible. I've been cramming for three hours.

- OK, well, what have you done so far?

- Put together the perfect studying outfit,

but it's not helping.

- What's this? Ants on a log?

We said no ants and hold the log.

I specifically requested sunflower butter.

The only thing on this plate

that my client's not allergic to

is the plate.

No one treats Sticks McBride this way.

- Sticks McBride. That's a great nickname.

They know me as CBK--

Cowbell Kid.

- I'm not taking any new clients.

- Oh, come on, Linc. The Doo Dads are totally legit.

Look at this blistering catalog of bodacious beats--

"The Doo Dads Doing It," "The Doo Dads still Doing It,"

"The Doo Dads Still Doing It Right,"

and our all-time classic, "Dooby Dooby Doo Dads."

- Ronnie, could you please show CBK to his seat?

- Hey, Lincoln, we're family.

- It's called show business, not show family.

- You know what? Fine.

I was here to see Luan anyway.

She respects me as an artist.

- It breaks my heart

to see people knocking on the show biz door

when you know it will never open.

- Still standing here, Lincoln.

- I know.

- Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage...

- I'm so nervous. I think I'm gonna pass out.

- I'd tell you to picture everyone naked...

but this might not be the right crowd for that.

- A warm Sunset Canyon welcome to Luan Loud.

[cheers and applause]

- That's my daughter. You guys are in for a treat.

- Hi, everyone. It is great to be here.

"It's great to be anywhere, actually.

"I live in a wooden box.

Seriously, they shut off my cable in there."

[percussive sting]

[laughter]

- I'm just no good at studying.

I'm totally gonna blow this presentation.

- Maybe you just need to look at it in a different way.

- So that's a no on the glasses?

- For what I'm gonna teach you,

you won't need the glasses at all.

- [chuckles] Good.

Because these are Mom's, and I can't see a thing.

Thanks, Lucy. You are my favorite sister.

- You know, Mr. Coconuts,

I think I lost my keys in here earlier.

- "Well, that's too bad.

"If I were you, I wouldn't give up looking

until you search every nook and granny!"

[percussive sting]

- Granny, 'cause it sounds like cranny.

It's gold. It's gold.

- That's my time. Have a great night.

And if you're driving home...

"Please take a car."

[percussive sting]

[cheers and applause]

- That's my girl!

- Lincoln, that was so much fun.

- That's just the tip of the springboard.

It's time for part two of prong one.

I got you another gig.

And we need to leave right now.

- All right.

- And now, coming to the stage,

you know her from the classic, "Who's That Lady?"

- Oh, I love that show.

That was when TV wasn't garbage.

- Please give a warm welcome to Joan Shivers!

- ♪ Who's that lady

♪ Walking down the street? ♪

- [gasps]

- Oh!

Hey, you know what?

When my agent booked me this gig,

I thought, well, I'm gonna die up here.

But you know what? Looking at you people,

this would be the place to do it.

[laughter]

- So the oral report is on Wednesday.

Thank you so much for helping me, Luna.

I can't believe I might finally get my first A.

- OK, so when I'm trying to remember stuff for school,

I let the music do the heavy lifting.

- So the report is on the Calvin Coolidge administration.

I'm not really sure what to do.

[rock music]

- ♪ How does a pasty guy from Vermont ♪

♪ Get to be presi-dont? ♪

- Cool! Cool!

- ♪ Face not on any money ♪ - What?

- ♪ Grace Coolidge was his honey ♪

both: Ooh! - ♪ Dude was dry ♪

♪ But he was funny ♪ both: What?

- ♪ This guy rules the roaring 's ♪

♪ Tell the teacher your name, son ♪

all: ♪ My name is ♪

- ♪ Calvin Coolidge, presi-dont ♪

♪ That name is Calvin Coolidge, presi-dont ♪

♪ And I've got a bunch of stuff to legislate ♪

♪ Get that straight ♪

- How do you know so much about Calvin Coolidge?

♪ ♪

- ♪ Cal finally got a sh*t when Warren G. Harding d*ed ♪

♪ Rode a mechanical horse in the White House for exercise ♪

♪ Oversaw an economic boom that made the stocks balloon ♪

♪ Supported women's suffrage and made the ladies swoon ♪

♪ Was very fond of animals and pardoned a raccoon ♪

all: ♪ What more could a country want? ♪

- ♪ My name is Calvin Coolidge, presi-dont ♪

♪ That name is Calvin Coolidge, presi-dont ♪

♪ And you must memorize my life for school ♪

♪ Ain't that cool? ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Stocks up ♪

♪ Cal out ♪

♪ Take the mic, Hoover ♪

[microphone feedback]

Wait, where are you going?

- To get out of this smart girl outfit.

- Don't you want to give this a sh*t?

- Dur, that's why I'm gonna go

put on my smart girl who performs outfit.

- When the time comes,

I'd love to workshop that musical with you.

I'll be in my office.

That's my bedroom.

[laughter]

- So I said to my doctor, "How long do I have to live?"

He said, "Ten." I said, "Years?"

He said, "Nine, eight, seven..."

[laughter]

Well, that's my time.

I hope it's not yours.

[laughter]

And who's that lady?

all: You that lady!

- ♪ Who's that lady? ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Come on. Stand up.

Oh, sorry, Leon.

- ♪ Who's that lady now? ♪

- That was the single greatest mid-afternoon of my life.

I love how you keep your act so authentic.

- Thanks, sweetheart.

- You really are so talented.

- Oh, I wish I could say the same thing about you.

- Ha ha, zing!

- You know, I'm off the clock, sweetheart.

I think that's what you kids call a truth b*mb.

- Well, what would you change about my act?

- For starters, everything.

Lose the dummy. It's a cheap gimmick.

The puppet gets all the laughs.

- I-I got some laughs.

- From your dad.

What, does he tuck you in at night too?

- Yes, he's very caring.

Ms. Shivers, you're my hero.

And I know to be in this business,

you have to have thick skin, so I'm open

to whatever constructive criticism you want to give me.

- All right.

Maybe instead of ventriloquism,

you should just quit comedy altogether.

- Hey, did you get the autographs?

Remember there's two N's in Lynn.

- This is the worst day ever!

- One N is fine.

- You can start any time.

- I'm just trying to remember who the presi-dont was.

- Coolidge.

- And he was a raccoon?

- No, he was the presi-dont.

- [sighs] I'm never gonna get this.

I might as well go put on

my girl who fails at everything outfit.

- No, you can't do that.

- You're right. It's in the wash.

- No, I mean, you can do this.

- No, I can't.

I can't just sing a song and suddenly be smart, Luna.

I'm not you.

- Luan. [sighs]

You can't quit comedy.

- Joan Shivers was right. I just don't have it.

I'm quitting. - Do you know how many people

said the exact same thing about The Doo Dads?

"You're not good enough."

"No one cares about the cowbell."

"You're making my baby cry."

But I never gave up because show business is my dream.

And you never give up on your dreams.

- Well, I can't just keep doing something I'm not good at.

I'm not you.

- Show business.

It'll break your heart one day

and have you on top of the world the next.

That's what keeps us reaching for that brass ring.

Know what I mean?

[phone ringing] Sorry, I gotta take this.

Uh-huh?

That's amazing!

Clyde, your manager with the plan-ager

is about to make your day.

Your gig with The Bucket Bashers got moved up.

It's tomorrow.

- What?

There's no way I'm doing that.

I'm not prepared, or...

You know what? I'm out.

[record scratch]

- Let me just play you just one track.

Please?

Lincoln, one track!

Just one, Linc!

- You can't be out, Clyde.

- Yes, I can.

Why did you move up the performance?

I never okayed that.

- One of the Bucket Bashers kicked the bucket.

- He d*ed?

- No, he literally kicked his bucket.

He broke his toe, stumbled away,

fell down, and broke his arm.

- I'm still not doing it.

- I'll make some calls,

have our people call their people.

We'll sweeten the deal, whatever it is a manager does,

because I've worked too hard for you to throw this away.

- This isn't about you, Lincoln.

Don't you get it?

I'm scared.

- Forget about being scared.

You gotta be like me, and just dive in.

- I just can't do that, Lincoln.

I'm not you.

[door slams]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[melancholic music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ When a dream fades away ♪

♪ You don't know what role you're supposed to play ♪

- ♪ I'm not her, I'm not smart ♪

♪ All I know is how to dress the part ♪

- ♪ I just can't do my bit ♪

♪ That would have wowed the crowd ♪

- ♪ I can't play the hit ♪

♪ That would have made you proud ♪

- ♪ When we try and try for so long ♪

♪ Aim so high for so long ♪

- ♪ Then your dream is done ♪

♪ That your son would ever manage you ♪

♪ Ah-- ♪ - Song's not about you, Dad.

- Yeah, got it. My bad.

♪ ♪

all: ♪ Dreams endure for so long ♪

♪ But when they're sure to go wrong ♪

- ♪ Then they've got to go ♪

♪ And so ♪

all: ♪ So long ♪

♪ So long, so long, so long ♪

- Saxophone!

♪ ♪

all: ♪ I'm not you ♪

♪ I'm not me ♪

♪ I'm not sure ♪

♪ Who I'm supposed to be ♪

- How are you doing?

- I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I thought that if I dressed up like I was smart,

that would somehow make me good at school.

Like, if I wore these Tyrolean slacks

that Amelia Earhart wore in June of

when she flew over the Atlantic,

or if I wore this sensible Oxford button-down

like Rosa Parks when she refused to give up her seat

and sparked the Montgomery bus boycott,

or if I pulled my hair in a bun like Susan B. Anthony

when she fought for women's right to vote,

which was later ratified by the th Amendment

to the Constitution.

Anyway, they're great clothes.

- Leni, you're a genius.

- I am? - Yeah!

You don't need music to remember stuff.

You need fashion.

- And that's why Coolidge was a great president

and wore very breathable trousers.

[applause]

- Hey there, funny face.

- Dad, I don't want another one of your show biz pep talks, OK?

You don't understand what I'm going through.

- I know the last thing you want right now

is advice from your dad.

That's why it's coming from...

Lynn Sr. Jr.

- Stop.

- "Don't let anyone else tell you what your comedy is.

"Follow your heart

because that is where your comedy comes from."

- "So you're saying if I follow my heart,

my comedy won't miss a b*at?"

- "Ba-ha-ha-ha!"

- I suppose this would work better with...

You know, I was in the aquarium the other day,

and I saw this fish with a bow tie.

"Well, that's strange, Luan."

You know, I know, but he looked very...

so-fish-ticated.

[laughter]

[applause]

That's my time. I'm Luan Loud.

And this is Mr. Coconuts. Have a great night.

And if you're driving home...

"Please take a car."

[cheers and applause]

- You're all right, kid.

[inspirational music]

♪ ♪

[drumming]

♪ ♪

- Clyde, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

The truth is,

I became your manager because I wanted to help you.

Then I made it all about me.

So I came here to tell you that I'm f*ring myself.

I don't want to be your manager with a plan-ager anymore.

I want to be your friend till the end.

And that will always be true,

whether you play with the Bucket Bashers or not.

I know I messed things up really bad,

but if you ever want to hang out,

here's my card.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- To being reunited with my comedy partner

and to my dad for helping me get there.

- All right. Whoo-hoo!

- To getting my first A

and to Luna for helping me realize I'm smart.

- All right. Toast to that.

- And now you know all that stuff

about Coolidge. - I do?

- You know, Lincoln, the Bucket Bashers used to open

for The Doo Dads.

- I'm out of the business, Dad. - OK.

- Hey, speaking of show biz, when's Clyde showing up?

I thought he was supposed to sit in with these guys.

- I don't think Clyde's showing up.

- Well, think again.

Sometimes you just gotta dive in.

A really good friend told me that.

Now, if you guys will excuse me,

I have to go follow my dream.

Here's my card.

[bucket drumming]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Go, Clyde! Whoo!

♪ ♪