01x01 - The Macho Man With the Plan

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles]

- Come on, it's picture time!

[rock music]

- ♪ In the Loud House The Really Loud House! ♪

[bright instrumental music]

- Today is a big day.

Today is the day Lincoln Loud becomes a man.

And I am super pumped.

I've always been known as the man with the plan,

but tonight, I'm gonna take it up a notch.

My best friend Clyde and I will be watching

the "Rip Hardcore Midnight Marathon"

and getting our official Macho Man badges.

- Ooh! Watch my midnight marathon.

Yeah!

Put in promo code "MACHOMAN."

Oh, yeah. Macho!

And I will personally send you your Macho Man badge.

-Macho Man badges are not gender specific.

Rip Hardcore isn't just super ripped.

He's super woke and super ripped.

- I am totally getting that Macho Man badge!

- There's nothing cooler than a badge.

That's why I want to join the FBI as a badge maker.

- Maybe I'll even grow some chest hair.

- Too pink? [toilet flushing]

- When you're the only boy in the family with sisters,

you learn two things.

Number one, always put the toilet seat down

when you're finished. - Ahh!

Lincoln! - My bad.

- Where's my lucky guitar pick? - And number two--

- Hey, stinkhead.

- You got to reserve your TV time.

- Hops farted again!

- I've even staked out my favorite spot on the couch.

[grunts]

Guess this one's out of flips.

The only thing left to do is prepare the midnight snacks.

- [snores]

- Ah, the life of a chef.

Poor guy works too hard.

Dad? Dad?

- Step aside, Lincoln.

This is a job for my gag flower.

- Does that thing even work?

OK, then.

[squelching]

- And now it's out of water.

- Where am I? What day is it?

Did I miss my half birthday?

- My dad loves his half birthday.

- Last thing I remember is coming into the kitchen

to fix a late-night chocolate cake for my half birthday,

which I love. - Told you.

- ♪ It's my half, half, half birthday ♪

♪ It's my half birthday ♪

[screams]

[thud, clatter]

- Hello, Father.

- Lucy scared the ding-dang dickens out of me,

but only because it was the middle of the night.

She doesn't scare me during the day anymore.

[screams]

[thuds]

- I don't see what's so scary about me.

[bloodcurdling scream]

I'll get that later.

- [exhales] What were you doing up in the middle

of the night anyway?

- If you must know, I've been up hours straight

for my mortician club's Three Nights of Fright.

- hours?

Lincoln, family meeting whistle.

[whistle blares]

- Another two-hour meeting

where Dad goes on like an old man.

[all chattering] - Order!

[all chattering]

- Order!

- Zip it, people!

[chattering stops]

Your father said order.

- That I did.

Now--[clears throat]

as some of you may have heard--

- We know!

Tomorrow is your half birthday!

- Tomorrow is my half birthday.

But that's not what this meeting's about.

But feel free to mark it in your calendars.

[chuckles] Moving on.

Lucy--

- What?

- --has been up for three days straight.

And last night, she scared the bejesus out of me.

So there's gonna be a new rule around here.

- Probably gonna be no more sneaking up on people.

[dramatic chord] - You think so?

- [gasps] You should really start wearing a bell.

- And the new rule is--

[dramatic music]

--everyone goes to bed before midnight,

not one minute later.

- No!

This isn't fair! It's Lucy's fault!

Why should we have to suffer?

- Exactly, Dad.

[all chattering]

- Order!

Order!

Don't make me have to count.

Here we go.

, --

[chatter stops]

[exhales]

- You did it, honey.

- Sorry I had to be so harsh with them.

In this house, it's all for one and one for all.

- And Lucy's not the first kid to make a mistake.

- Yeah, Mom's right.

You've all been responsible

for new rules around here.

[upbeat music]

- What?

You said we could have one bowl of ice cream.

- New rule!

- One normal-sized bowl of ice cream per kid.

- By the way, we're out of mint chip.

- Really? The whole time? - The whole time.

[hissing]

- Don't worry.

El Diablo won't hurt you.

I found him in the sewer.

- (whispering) New rule.

- No bringing home stray pets.

- Sorry, Mud Pie.

[moos]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It is not up for debate!

Effective today, no one stays up past midnight.

[dramatic drum music]

♪ ♪

Now I'm gonna go clean and repair Vanzilla.

I don't want to do it tomorrow because tomorrow

is my, uh, half-- - We know!

- Feel free to mark it in your calendars.

- I need to come up with a plan.

- This is not fair.

- Man, that guy's obsessed with his half birthday.

[ding]

- Bingo!

[all chattering]

- OK, so here's the plan.

Tonight at midnight, you guys take Dad out

to Jean Juan's French Mex

for a half birthday celebration.

I will stay here and watch

the "Rip Hardcore Midnight Marathon"

and get my Macho Man badge.

- Look, Lincoln, I'm only home from college for two days.

And we all have a lot of stuff to do.

So if you want us to help you,

you're gonna have to help us with our stuff.

- Yeah. - What do you need help with?

[all speaking at once]

- Clyde? Got a code--

- Red?

- How did you know that?

- Let's just say I "red" your mind.

- OK.

Clyde and I will help you with your stuff,

but we have to get moving because the clock is ticking.

- Macho.

- Clincoln McCloud, let's do this.

Hah!

- I need you to help me brush my pageant wigs.

- Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

- Good job.

Here's the rest of them.

[dramatic tone]

Oh.

There's more.

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

- Somebody stole my boss's tofu sandwich

from the break room, and now she wants all of us

to take a lie detector test.

I need to practice telling the truth.

Any time you lie, it buzzes.

- OK, you're not the only sister I have to help.

How long will this take?

- It'll go really fast. [buzzer blares]

Kind of fast. [buzzer blares]

It might take a really long time.

[bell dings]

But just ask me an easy question.

- Am I your favorite brother? - Yes.

[buzzer blares]

- Leni, I'm your only brother.

- I know, but sometimes you can be a little annoying.

[buzzer blares] Pretty annoying.

[buzzer blares] OK, fine.

You're really annoying.

[bell dings]

- OK, so I need a really funny closing joke

for my comedy act.

What do you think?

Have a great night.

And if you're driving home, please take a car.

- [chuckles]

Oh my gosh, that is so funny.

Great job. 'Kay, bye.

- Not so fast.

I got about other options, and you're not leaving

until you hear them all.

Two fish are in a t*nk, and one of them says,

how do you drive this thing?

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

- Bobby literally sent me the most

romantic anniversary text.

I tried to send him one, but I think I need your help.

- I'm sure what you wrote is great.

- "Bobby, I literally love that you never litter.

"If you literally ever litter, you pick it up later,

"which is literally not littering.

Happy anniversary."

Was that awful? - Literally.

- Tomorrow is my hockey team's championship game,

and I need to come up with the perfect motivational speech

to, uh--

- Motivate them? - Yes!

See, this is why I need you, Mr. Good-with-Words Guy.

Let me give you what I got so far.

[clears throat]

We got to win this game, you space wasters!

[thuds] - Oh!

[air horn blares]

- I'm entering Todd in a robotics competition,

and it seems another contestant also has a robot named Todd.

- Why can't he change his robot name?

- [sighs]

His Todd was named after his recently deceased grandfather.

Some guys have all the luck.

- So you need me to come up with a new name for Robot Todd?

- Precisely. - How about Beau?

- No. - Jamie?

- Lame-y.

This is a list of names that I don't like.

- We've been here for hours.

- The world record for a guinea pig jump is centimeters.

Sprinks here is gonna shatter that record

by a full centimeters.

But according to the big sh*ts at Guinness,

I need a witness to verify it.

Fly, Sprinks!

[triumphant music]

[music fades]

Probably just nerves.

[electric guitar playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, hey, little dude.

I'm just finishing up this banging track.

But it's missing a little sultry Southern sound,

a.k.a. the cowbell.

So grab a drumstick.

I need some cowbell.

- Lincoln, where are you?

- I got to go.

Lucy?

[door creaks]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Lucy?

[screams]

- Hello, Brother.

- Please stop doing that.

- She scared me too.

- Let's not mention this in our Macho Man applications.

- Why don't we just ask your dad

if he'll change the bedtime rule?

- He's fixing Vanzilla today.

It's not a good time to ask him for stuff.

- I am not a good mechanic!

I just wanted to replace the windshield wiper fluid!

- I need to stay up for five more hours

to complete my Three Nights of Fright.

And although I'd never admit it to my fellow club members,

I'm fading.

I need you to keep me awake.

- This isn't gonna work, Lincoln.

We're running out of time.

You have too many sisters.

- That's it, Clyde! [ding]

I just had another idea.

Come with me. [upbeat music]

You need a cowbell player to go with your blaring solos.

You need to stay awake.

♪ ♪

You need to know if your joke's actually funny.

You need to practice telling the truth.

You need your guinea pig to set a world record.

- [grunts]

- You need to practice your motivational speaking.

- Let's do this! - Yeah!

- You need to write your boyfriend a romantic text.

Clyde can help you write it.

He's the best at this stuff.

- I wouldn't say I'm the best.

[clears throat]

Bobby, how lucky am I that in this infinite universe,

our souls exist in the same place at the same time?

Love that is true, love that is real,

love that is love.

- Oh, Clyde.

That is literally so perfect.

- My dads and I watch a lot of romantic comedies together.

Oh, and if you could run through an airport

and read him your text right before he gets on an airplane,

that'd be ideal.

[text whooshes]

- I did it!

I sent the perfect text!

[music playing]

♪ ♪

- I laid down the perfect track.

- I stayed up for hours straight.

[thuds]

- I said sprocket, not socket.

- [laughs] That was a really funny joke.

[bell dings]

- I wrote a funny closing joke!

- I told the truth!

- You gotta ask yourself one question--

how bad do I want it?

Now go get it!

[dramatic triumphant music]

♪ ♪

Yes!

- I'm getting in the "Guinness Book"!

- I wrote the perfect speech!

- Yes!

[both grunt]

- [gasps] I brushed all my pageant wigs!

- All that's left to do is come up

with a name for Lisa's robot, and then operation

watch "Rip Hardcore" and get my Macho Man badge

while you guys take Dad out

for his half birthday is ready to launch

with time to spare.

[clock ticking] - Macho.

- I may be a genius, Lola.

- But what do you think's gonna happen when Dad notices

you're not at his party?

- I didn't think about that.

If Dad sees I'm not there,

then he's gonna want to come get me.

How could I have missed this?

I'm the man with the plan, but my plan was flawed.

I have to be here to get my Macho Man badge,

but I have to be there so Dad doesn't find out

I skipped his party.

- Too bad you can't be two places at once.

- Or can I?

[ding]

The man with the plan is back.

Lincoln.

- Excuse me?

- We're gonna name your robot Lincoln.

[mariachi music]

♪ ♪

[mechanical whirring]

- I am having such a good time.

[chuckles]

Gwen, how's that beef baguette in a bread bowl?

- Great. Perfect pre-game meal

for my hockey championship tomorrow.

Carbo load!

- You still need to chew carbs, sweetie.

- I do?

[rock music]

- So the man with the plan came through again.

In minutes, we're gonna be official Macho Men.

- What happens if your dad notices

it's a robot and not you?

- Why does everyone keep poking holes in my plan?

Let's check Lisa's robot cam.

- How about you, Linc?

How's that burger treating you?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- [robotic voice] The modern hamburger was a result

of the emergence of the working class

and the demand for mass-produced,

affordable food.

♪ ♪

- Oh, no.

- [whispering] What's going on?

- Sometimes the artificial intelligence mode overrides

conversational tones.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Wow, Linc, you've really been boning up

on your meat trivia, huh?

Good job, buddy.

[sighs]

- Yeah.

- Lincoln.

- It worked!

- I never had any doubts.

- [exhales]

- T-minus minutes till the midnight marathon.

I think I just felt a chest hair come in.

How you doing?

- [sighs] I've never felt like more of a man.

[timer dings]

My lemon bars are ready.

all: ♪ Happy half birthday to you ♪

- ♪ You ♪

You're welcome.

- Here we go.

[inhales]

- Make sure not to verbalize your wish, Father.

It is considered taboo.

- You know what, buddy?

I don't need to make a wish, because tonight,

all my wishes have come true.

- Aww. - [chuckles]

- Diablo sauce? - [screams]

[water splashes] [electrical buzzing]

- Parfaits-- the modern hamburger--happy--

[voice deepens] Meat trivia.

[all scream]

- Oh!

- Fire!

- Fire. Ow.

Pain. I'm melting.

[dramatic music]

[mechanical chirps]

- What is going on here?

- That's not Lincoln, Dad.

- It's Todd.

I programmed him to have Lincoln's voice.

- What?

Well, why?

- Ahh! All you hardcore fans,

enter the promo code "MACHOMAN" right now.

You'll receive your Macho Man badges in three to five

business days, three to five!

- I'm gonna enter the promo code.

- On it. - It's now or never

for your Macho Man dreams to come true!

- Lincoln wanted to stay up to watch

the midnight marathon so that he

could get his Macho Man badge.

- He asked us to take you out for your half birthday.

- So you wouldn't make him go to bed.

- So the only reason you're all here

is to help Lincoln with his scheme.

[light tense music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah.

- Well, don't I feel like a fool.

- Why aren't you filling in your Macho Man code?

- Last chance to enter the code

and get your Macho Man badge!

- You know, when I was a kid, there was this really

popular guy named Jake Strong.

And we had the exact same birthday.

And every year, all the neighborhood kids

would go to Jake's party, and no one would come to mine.

And my mom, she tried to entice the kids to come to the party.

One year, we even had a miniature pony.

But it didn't work.

- Nobody came?

- No.

That pony bucked me off and ran straight to Jake's.

I think he was attracted to all the music and laughter.

Anyway, my mom had this amazing idea.

And she decided that instead of trying to compete with Jake,

we'd start celebrating my half birthday.

And it worked.

All the kids came.

And you know, I just was never happier.

[sentimental music]

And I always dreamed that you guys would throw me

a half birthday party,

but I guess some things are too good to be true.

- , --

- Lincoln, seconds or you won't get your badge.

- , , --

- You know what, Clyde?

I don't feel like a Macho Man right now.

- [grunts] Get your badge.

- I guess I'll just call a cab to take us home

since I couldn't fix Vanzilla either.

- Oh, honey.

- No.

- I already called a cab.

- [sighs]

[mechanical whirring]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Todd.

[grunts]

- I love cake.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Surprise!

- Wait, wh-- what?

all: Surprise?

- It's your surprise half birthday party.

I had to get you out of the house

so we could decorate, right, guys?

- Yeah.

[all speaking at once]

- Wait, so that whole story about Lincoln's plan?

- It was all part of our bigger plan, right, guys?

- Yeah. - Of course.

[overlapping chatter]

- Wait, you were all in on this?

- Yeah.

- It's like you said, Dad.

In the Loud House, it is all for one and one for all.

[sentimental music]

- And...

We have another special surprise for you.

- I wrote you a half birthday song.

- I don't think this could get any better.

- And I'm gonna kick it with a little cowbell.

- It just did.

- My real birthday was just a couple weeks ago,

and nobody remembered. [chuckles]

[rock music playing]

- You know what? all: What?

- ♪ Let's just rock this thing ♪

[cheering] - , , , !

- ♪ You thought we didn't listen ♪

all: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Listen, you thought wrong ♪

all: ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ We've news for you, Dad ♪

♪ You're not just great ♪

♪ You're rad! ♪

♪ Happy half birthday ♪

all: ♪ Happy half birthday ♪

- ♪ Happy half birthday to the best dad in the world ♪

♪ Happy half birthday from your house full of girls ♪

both: ♪ And boys ♪

- ♪ Ooh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, oh ♪

all: ♪ Happy half birthday ♪

♪ Happy, happy, yeah ♪

- ♪ Big fun is our goal ♪

all: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ That's just how we roll ♪

all: Hey!

- ♪ We hope you like this song ♪

all: ♪ And so you know, you're way cooler than Jake Strong ♪

♪ Happy half birthday! ♪

- Yeah!

- Love you, Dad! - Love you, Dad!

- Thank you!

That was--that was perfect.

Where are Leni and Lana?

- What would a half birthday be without a big present?

[bright orchestral music]

- Please be a pony. Please be a pony.

Please be a pony.

[gasps] Vanzilla, you're beautiful.

- She's purring like a kitten.

♪ ♪

- Vanzilla!

- And I combined all my ribbons from my ribbon collection

to make that pretty bow.

♪ ♪

- Aww.

This is the greatest night of my life.

And I am the luckiest dad in the world

because I have the best kids ever.

Wait.

Linc, what about your midnight marathon

and your Macho Man badge?

- I don't need a badge from Rip Hardcore

to prove that I'm a man, because a real man

is a guy who loves his family and always

does the right thing.

♪ ♪

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

all: Yeah!

♪ ♪

[mechanical whirring]

- It seems there really is no stronger bond than family.

♪ ♪

[rock music playing] - You know what?

- What? - Let's just rock this thing!

[cheering]

all: , , , !

- ♪ You thought we didn't listen ♪

all: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Listen, you thought wrong ♪

all: ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ We've got news for you, Dad ♪

♪ You're not just great ♪

♪ You're rad! ♪

all: Happy half birthday!

Yeah!

[Nickelodeon theme]