02x09 - Courting Disaster!

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Raccoons". Aired: July 4, 1985 – August 28, 1992.*
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Series revolves around Bert Raccoon and married couple Ralph and Melissa Raccoon, of whom Bert is a friend and roommate.
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02x09 - Courting Disaster!

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: This is the
Evergreen Forest.

Quiet, peaceful, serene.

That is, until
Bert Raccoon wakes up.

Bert Raccoon: Yahoooo!

♪♪

Yeeeehaaaa!

Yikes!

Yaaaah...
[bam!]

[laughs]
[smash!]

Yeaaaah!

Narrator: Luckily, he has some
good friends to help him out.

Broo: [panting]

♪♪

Narrator: Life would be simple
in the forest except for...

Cyril Sneer!

[bleep blarp bloop]

And his life would be simple
except for...

the Raccoons!!

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

[distant chatter]

Narrator: Anyone in the
Evergreen forest can tell you

that Lady Baden-Baden's parties
are truly grand events.

And as you can see,
her annual Strawberry Social

is the highlight of the season.

Melissa: It was good of you
to take Sophia's place

as social columnist, Bert.

Bert: If I've known
how dull it would be,

I'd of had second thoughts.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Uuuuh! The press!

I'm so delighted
you're here.

Bert: Ah, Lady Daniels wore
an atrocious hat.

Melissa: Bert!
Bert: [giggles]

Oh all right,

well, I guess I'll go see what

titillating tidbits
I can pick up.

Melissa: Okay, Bert,
I'll get a few more photos.

Bert: Pst! Hey, buddy!

Have you got any peanut butter?

Huh! Some party!

No peanut butter?

How can you have a party
without peanut butter?!

Boy! I never seen a
set up like this before.

Cyril: I don't care
what you say!

I think she's fine stock, Knox!

Mr Knox: And I think
you're playing with fire!

Getting involved so quickly.

Cyril: Sooner or later you've
got to take the plunge.

It'll be a great partnership.

I think we were
made for each other.

Mr Knox: So, when do
you make the proposal?

Cyril: Tomorrow! [laughs]

Mr Knox: Hmm, well, the
best of luck to you, Sir.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Uuuh, Mr Sneer, and Mr Knox!

My two favourite men!

And what are you
two talking about?

Mr Knox: Why, ma'am,

The only topic worthy
of discussion,

your bountiful
charms and beauty.

Cyril: Ehm!

Yeah, charms!

Lady Baden-Baden:
Uuuh.. [giggles]

Oh, my-my-my-my-my!

Flattery will
get you everywhere!

Now, who would like to dance?

♪ [tango music]

♪♪

Bert: Cyril Sneer?!

Getting married?!

Cyril?

Naaah! Couldn't be.

[giggles]
He ain't the type!

♪♪

Mr Knox: Oh, man!

You're playing with fire, Sneer,

and you're gonna get b*rned.

[camera click]

Cyril: So, let's get
together in this real soon.

I think, we'd be
dynamite together!

And I think it's about time
we tied the knot, signed CS.

Got all that?!
[laughs]

The Pig: Oh, yes Sir!

Cyril: Get that out
to Mammoth right away.

This will be the business
proposal of the century!

When Mammoth hears my terms,

he'll jump at the merger.

[laughs]

And I'll show Knox!
Playing with fire indeed.

[laughs]

Ohh, and while you're out,

drop off this note
to Lady Baden-Baden.

It's a thank you for
the party last night.

The Pig: No problem boss.

Cyril: Where is Cedric?
I haven't seen him all morning.

There's work to be done.

The Pig: [coughing]

[low voice]
In the kitchen, Sir.

[coughs]

The Pigs: [coughing]

The Pig 2: It smells like
the boss has been smoking

old sweat socks in here.

♪♪
[wind swishes]

The Pig 3: Now look
what you've done!

♪♪
[gentle blowing]

♪♪

The Pig 1: Uh oh, we'd
better
deliver these right away.

[hoof tapping]

Cedric: [humming happilly]

Cyril: Cedric, what
do you think you're doing?

Cedric: Ohh, hi, Pop!
I'm baking a cake.

It's for the Young Aardvark
Society bake sale.

Cyril: [grunts]

[reading] To all
mothers of young aardvarks,

once again we ask
you to contribute

baked goods for our annual sale.

Do you want me to help?

Cedric: No, Pop.
I'm doing all right.

Cyril: Maybe I,
I could hire someone

to do this sort of thing.

Cedric: Nah, I like doing it.

Cyril: Why don't you go
out and buy a nice cake?

Cedric: Nah, it just
wouldn't be the same.

Cyril: Well, do you want me to
come along to the bake sale?

Cedric: Oh no,
that's all right, Pop.

I know, you don't
like those things.

Cyril: Ah.. well, buy me
your cake at the bake sale.

[boink]

Oops! See if you can
get a good deal. [laughs]

Cedric: Sure, Pop.

Cyril: Yes, well,

as soon as you're finished, ehm,

come on upstairs
and cook some books.

[laughs]

Cedric: Will do, Pop!

Cyril: [sad sigh]
I'm only a father.

[door bell chime]

Lady B-B: Yes?

The Pig: Letter
from Cyril Sneer.

Lady B-B: Oh! How nice.

Thank you. You may go! Ta-ta!

[door clangs shut]

The Pig: [imitating]
Oh! You may go! Ta-ta.

The Pig 2: Well, we'd better
get this other one to Mammoth.

Lady B-B: Ugh-uh-uuh.

And I think, it's about
time we tied the knot!

Oh, my-my-my-my-my!

Oh-oooh!

Bert: Oh, I don't know, Melissa,

my social column's a bit dull.

I'll bet Sophia would
have done a better job.

Melissa: I'm sure
it's fine, Bert.

Ralph: It's all in
how you write it.

Bert: You know for a while there
I thought I had some real news.

[laughs]

I thought,
I heard Cyril Sneer

[laughs]

talking about getting married!

[laughing]

Schaeffer: Now, that
would be some story!

Lady B-B: Yuuuhuuu!

Good morning!

Oh, isn't it a
simply beautiful day?

Ralph: Uh, well, um.. yes!

Lady B-B: I would like to
publish a very important

announcement in your
wonderful little newspaper.

Ralph: Certainly,
Lady Baden-Baden.

What's your announcement?

Lady B-B: I would like the
whole Evergreen forest to know

of the impending marriage
between myself

and Mr. Cyril Sneer!!!

♪♪

Cyril: I can't understand why
Mammoth hasn't called yet.

Are you sure you porkers
delivered the proposal to him?

The Pig 1:
Oh, absolutely, Sir.

The Pig 2:
Right to the door, Sir.

[printer humming]
The Pig 3: Oh, wait, Sir!

Something's
coming across now.

♪♪

[reading] From Mammoth
to Sneer. Stop.

Don't remember inviting
you to a party. Stop.

You're welcome anyway. Stop.

Cyril: Party?!

What's that tubby
tycoon talking about?

Cedric: Pop! Lady Baden-Baden
is here to see you.

Cyril: Can't you see, I'm busy!

Tell her to come back
sometime when I'm not here!

Cedric: I don't think
she'll go for that, Pop.

Lady B-B: Uuuuh, Cyril!

Yes, yes, yes!

I do accept! I do! I do!

Cyril: Uh-ehm.. That's nice.

What is it you accept?

Lady B-B: Uuh, you
silly, wonderful man!

Why, your proposal
of marriage, of course!

Cyril: But I, but I..
Lady B-B: Oh, we have

so much to plan for
and so little time!

Oh, there's my dress,
and the finger towels.

Oh, and the doilies...
Cyril: Doilies?!

You mixed up those
letters, didn't you?

The Pig: Oh,
well, well, um..

Cedric: Gee...

Pop married?

Lady B-B: ..yes, and the
flowers and the limousine












Cyril: Cedric!! Wait!!

Lady B-B: Oh, and
the bows on the pews!

Cyril: Cedric!












Lady B-B: And now, you
must show me your house!

Where are the rest
of your domestics?

[printing press humming]

Bert: Wooow! What a story!

Ralph: I still can't believe it!

Melissa: I think, it's romantic.

All: Cedric!!!

Melissa: Congratulations!
You must be so happy.

Sophia: This is such a good news
Schaeffer: Congratulations!

Bert: We kept the first
copy for you, Cedric.

As a souvenir.

Cedric: Um, thanks, Bert!

Bert, can I talk to you?

Privately?
Bert: Huh?

Oh, sure, Cedric, old buddy.

Lady B-B: Oh, Cyril, this place

certainly needs a woman's touch.

I don't know how you've
lived like this for so long.

Cyril: Hammett!
Lady B-B: Oh!

What a wonderful team
we're going to make, Cyril.

You were so right
about the partnership.

We'll make beautiful
music together. Ta-taa!

Ohh, and Cyril,

if you must keep
pigs in the house,

couldn't you dress
them up a bit?

I have my domestics
wearing neckties.

[slam!]
Oh!!

Cyril: The kind of necktie
I've got in mind

for you three walking sausages
is made of rope!

Now get that proposal out
to the right Mammoth!

The Pigs: Oh, yes, Sir!

[hoofs tapping]

Cyril: And now I've
got to find Cedric,

and explain this to him.

♪♪

Bert: You mean,
your Pop didn't tell you

he was gonna get married?
Cedric: No.

Bert: Well, um, maybe he forgot.

Cedric: I don't think so, Bert.

Maybe, he was just
afraid of what I'd say.

Maybe, he thought
I wouldn't like it.

Bert: Well, um..

Cedric: Perhaps
I've been selfish.

Pop's been alone so long.

Maybe he needs someone...
to talk to.

A companion! I never thought
about Pop being lonely.

Cyril: Cedric!!

Cedric, my boy.
Cedric: Pop?

Cyril: I've been looking
all over for you.

Cedric: You didn't have to
do that. I was right here.

Cyril: We've got to talk. Alone!

Bert: Um, I'll see
you later, Cedric.

Cyril: Son, about this
Baden-Baden thing.

Cedric: Congratulations, Pop!

I'm very...happy for you.

Cyril: You...you are?
Cedric: Sure, I am!

I think it will be great
for you to have a wife,

and I'll...have a mother.

Cyril: Well, that's great!

♪♪

♪ In everybody's life,
just once, ♪



♪ Hopefully twice

♪ Someone will write
you a song ♪

♪♪

♪ In everybody's life,
just once, ♪

♪♪

♪ Hope for it twice

♪ Someone like you comes along
Lady B-B: Yoohoo!

♪ And gets me singing

♪ All through the night

♪ When you're singing

♪ I hold you so tight

♪ When you're singing,

♪ You make it so right

♪ That someone like
you comes along ♪

♪♪

Cyril: What am I
getting myself into?

♪♪

Bert: [giggles] Boy,

looks like Lady Baden-Baden's
been busy already.

[knocking]

Ralph: My! Aren't we spiffy?

The Pig: Go ahead, laugh.

Lady B-B: Whoo iiiis it?

Melissa: We've brought some
wedding gifts for you.

Lacy B-B: Just
freshening the place up.

So what do you think?

Bert: Well, it's, um,
eh, um, it's very.

um, [giggles].. pink?

Cyril: What's this!?

Not more doilies?

Melissa:
Congratulations, Mr Sneer.

Schaeffer: We've just
come to wish you luck.

Cyril: I'll need it!

Ugh!

[sniff-sniff]

♪♪

Lady B-B: There!
Isn't that better?

Cedric: [Laughs]
Yes... thanks!

Ralph: So? Uhm..

When's the wedding?

Mr Knox: Never!!

As far as I'm concerned.

Lady B-B: Oh! My dear, Mr Knox,

whatever do you mean?

Mr. Knox: Oh Lady Baden-Baden,

I've concealed my true
feelings long enough.

I love you.

And I want you to be my bride.

Cyril: You do? That's great!
Cedric: Huh?

Cyril: I mean it's great that
you want to, but...heh...

she's marrying me, Knox!

Mr. Knox:
In that case, Mr. Sneer,

I challenge you to meet me

in the field of honor...

[gasps]

for the hand of
Lady Baden-Baden.

[thwap]

Melissa: You look wonderful,
no matter who you marry.

Sophie:
Oh, I think it's romantic.

Imagine, Mr. Knox sending
you roses all these years!

Lady B-B: And I never
knew who they were from!

I always thought it was my

flower-of-the-month club
selection!

If only he'd told me!

Melissa: Who do you hope wins?

Lady B-B: Ooh!
It's so difficult!

Mr. Knox is so, so...you know,

and Mr. Sneer, well he's just...

he's just...you know.

Melissa: We sure do!

Pig: We can't let the boss
go through with this.

It's a fate worse than death!

Pig 2: Oohh! What will we do?

Pig 1: Appeal to his
better judgement?

Pig 1: Why, the ring alone boss!

Pig 2: That's $40,000

for a good one.

Pig 2: Oh, here's a nice
honeymoon spot, boss!

Pig 3: One week, all inclusive,

fruit basket in your room...

Pig 2:
Only #10,000 for one week!

Pig 3: The honeymoon of a
lifetime in the Porkinos.

Pig 2: Don't forget the
cost of the reception.

Pig 1: And of course boss,
she'll only own

half of all your assets!

Cyril: Half! Stop!

I've had enough!

Pig 3: Why don't you
just call her, boss?

Tell her that there's
been a big mistake.

[phone ringing]

Cyril: WHAT?!?

Mammoth Assistant: Mr. Mammoth,
speaking as a dear friend

of Lady Baden-Baden,

hopes you will win
her hand in marriage.

Cyril: Thanks, I'm touched!

Assistant: Mr. Mammoth says,

that although you're a very
poor choice for a husband,

you are a great deal more
acceptable than Mr. Knox.

Cyril: I'm touched. Twice!

Mammoth: [mumbling]

Assistant: Mr. Mammoth says,

the bottom line is,
no marriage, no merger.

Is that clear, Sneer?

Cyril: He he!
W-where did you say...

was a good spot
for the honeymoon?

Cyril: Why do they always
have to have these things

at the cr*ck of dawn?

Schaeffer: It's tradition.

And since I've been
appointed judge,

I'd like to make sure that
everything runs by the book.

[clears his throat]

There are three trials
to choose from.

Trial by fire, air and water.

Lady Baden-Baden,

will you draw one from the hat?

Lady B-B: Trial by water!

Oh, that sounds so exciting!

Mr. Knox: My element ma'am!

And I assure you
I shall return...

triumphant!

[smooch]

Lady B-B: Ooohhh!

Ooh-oooh!

Schaeffer:
According to the rules,

the first challenger to find a
rare Evergreen Lake clam pearl

and return, is the winner.

Good luck, gentlemen.
Cedric: Good luck, Pop!

Lady B-B: Ooh, don't
they look dashing!

Cedric: Pop must really be in
love with Lady Baden-Baden.

He doesn't even
know how to swim.

[eerie underwater sounds]

Melissa: They've been down
there an awfully long time!

Pig 2: This is our last chance
to make sure the boss loses!

Turn down his air pressure.

That should slow him up!

Pig 3: The boss will
thank us for this!

[eerie underwater sounds]

[bonk]
[clunk]

[hissing]

Pig 3: Oh no!

The boss is in trouble!

Oohh! Quick!
Turn up the air pressure!

[beeping]

[hissing]

[bloop bloop bloop bloop]

[kaboom]

Pig 1: It's a bird!

Pig 2: It's a plane!

Pig 3: Noooo!

It's Super Clam!

Cyril: Aaaaaaahhhh!

[ka-blam!]

[ka-boing]

Ladies: Oohh!

Schaeffer: A winner!

Mr. Knox: Well, I reckon

the better man won.

Congratulations, Mr. Sneer.

I hope you'll be...

very happy.

Lady B-B: I'll never,...
[crunch]

never forget you, Cyril.

Mr. Knox: Huh? M-M-My lady!

Cyril: I-I...

don't understand.

Lady B-B:
Dear Cyril, forgive me.

You see, once I learned that

Mr. Knox had loved me all these
years,

I realized that I too loved him.

I do hope you understand.

Sure. Sure, I understand.

I only want what's best for you.

Good luck!...To both of you.

Hey Knox! Hope you like pink!

Cedric: Pop! Pop! Wait up!

I tried son.

I tried my best for you.

I really wanted you
to have someone.

Someone who could
be a mother to you.

I'm sorry.
Cedric: For me?

But I'm sorry for you!

I thought you wanted a wife!

I was being happy...for you!

Cyril: You mean, you're not sad?

Cedric: Heck no, Pop!

I mean, Lady Baden-Baden
was nice, but...

not as a mother.

Besides Pop,

I couldn't have a better mother

and father...than you!

Cyril: You...you mean that?

Cedric: Sure, Pop.

We make a great team,
just the two of us!

'Til the right lady comes along.

Cyril: Wo-would you...

like to hear about...
your mother?

Cedric: I sure would, Pop.

Cyril: She was a,
a wonderful lady, son.

Cedric: Ooh!
Cyril: I loved her!

She really knew
how to make money!

Cedric: Oh, really?

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

♪ When darkness falls

♪♪

♪ Fading shadows in the night

♪♪

♪ Don't be afraid

♪ Wipe that fear
from your eyes ♪

♪♪

♪ A desperate love

♪ Keeps on driving you wrong

♪♪

♪ Don't be afraid

♪ You're not alone

♪♪

♪ You can run with us

♪♪

♪ We've got
everything you need ♪

♪ Run with us

♪♪

♪ We are free

♪♪

♪ Come with us

♪♪

♪ I see passion in your eyes

♪ Run with us

♪♪
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