so you guys got big plans for harry's
birthday yeah we're thinking a
mud pit birth reenactment and a baby
drumming circle
so the usual stuff hey you know it's fun
i mean it's kind of corny but but my
parents would always get this clown
oh greg a clown is a cruel exaggeration
of unfortunate deformities and the pain
of his condition is masked by that
grotesque
painted smile well no don't get that one
so when's the party
saturday it's a week from saturday well
that's still technically a saturday
oh no greg's not gonna be able to make
it he and his father oh
my eye but something in my eye a dharma
can you believe he's won already he must
be doing something right
because he doesn't look it
i don't think we should tell them about
my fishing trip what's wrong with your
eye
i poked it when i said my eye on my eye
i think we should just tell abby that
dad and i are going on a a business trip
why because we're going deep sea fishing
that's k*lling fish and isn't abby gonna
have a problem with that
no indians fish bears fish
i'm sure she'll be fine with this yeah
but why take the chance let's just make
something up honey i have never lied to
my parents and i don't want to start now
is everything okay yes abby
the reason greg can't go week from
saturday is because he and his father
are going deep-sea fishing
fishing
pulling defenseless beautiful sea
creatures out of their homes
with hooks and and the flopping
of terrified fish eyes asking
why why
oh larry
did you want to mention the indians
hmm
hey whoa a carton of smokes aqua net
hairspray and intimate's coffee cake
either bobby finkelstein is coming are
you falling off a whole bunch of
different wagons here
your grandmother is coming in for
harry's birthday she surprised us with
this news last night
abby where's the quilted toilet paper
you know my needs quilted toilet paper
i'm sorry larry i'll pick some up i keep
forgetting your mother is such a
delicate woman
and you get the wrong denture cleaner
she needs the one for smokers
okay i'll pick some up when i go out to
get the uh
bulk laxative not chalky tasting my
choice
abby you're stressing
all right well this probably isn't the
best time to bring this up but
um what i really need to talk to you
about greg
oh yeah i'm sorry honey i'm sorry i was
so upset
that's okay it's just what he's doing is
such a horrible
thing you know i was up all last night
derma thinking about those beautiful
fists
i know but abby you know that greg is a
good guy
he's just a little different from us you
know these are the customs of his
tribe right you know he goes fishing he
plays a paintball warrior game he blows
you a country wait wait wait wait wait
wait
it's the paintball warrior game not a
lot a little and he's not good at it i
think he's a field manic actually
dharma he celebrates v*olence as a game
oh listen you know honey
i have never said anything about the
things greg does his
job the leather shoes that he wears but
you know
look what he's doing to you honey he's
just lured you into a world of
credit cards and lamb chops you know i i
saw him the other day
hold a door open for you i mean is this
really the man that you want to have
your children with
i'm sorry but you want me to leave my
husband because he goes
fishing i can live with the other things
dharma but now he has blood on his hands
it's fish blood what you decide to do
is of course your own business but uh
he's not welcome in my house
indians fish
edward should i have celia pack your
glasses in your sports watch or should
we just throw them in the ocean and save
you the trouble
i'll miss you dear hey dad
i think i'm going to go with the
downrigger and the 40-pound lead core
yeah you go with the 40-pound core i'll
go with a hundred-proof scotch
now you make sure he packs that
carefully i do not want him drinking
beer
here they are hello hey hi mister
montgomery you have a telephone call oh
thank you celia
oh edward i almost forgot i bought you a
fishing vest i want you to try it on
it's from neiman marcus do not get it
wet
so how'd it go with abby pretty good
grandma's coming to visit you're banned
from the house and i'm supposed to think
about leaving you but that part's up to
me
i'm just going fishing for crying out
loud it is possible that abby's a little
on edge because of bubby
well there yeah you know what i think
might help a little and just kind of
smooth everything over what
don't go fishing look
dad and i love this trip we haven't been
in a couple of years and it's the only
thing that we do together just him and
me
well okay you want to spend time with
your dad on a boat that's fine you don't
have to fish
you can pretend to be pirates or tom and
hawk on the big money
or go whale watching people enjoy whale
watching
dharma i'm sure that abby will get over
this besides if this turns into some
kind of whale watching trip my mother's
gonna want to go what
just making a point dad well don't do it
again you gave me the heebie-jeebies
hey larry got a minute sure pumpkin i'm
just puttering
you reach in that toolbox and pass me
the garlic salt
so what's going on well you know greg's
leaving on this fishing trip tomorrow
yeah i know that's got to be a lot of
fun
hell yeah except abby's kind of having a
problem with it she sure is
i don't know what to do larry she's
serious about this
she's painting him out of the mural in
the bathroom
i know but she hasn't sanded him off the
family totem pole
think she'll ever get over this sure she
will abby is very reasonable
you know she used to have big problems
with my mother but now
bobby gets to visit she gets to stay up
to three days
and she can even have brisket
as long as it's never in the house
oh crap the alarm didn't go off i shut
it off
i don't want you to go fishing
how did you do this without waking me up
you unroll the duct tape on the snores
that's my dad
[Music]
obviously this is not the first time
you've been duct taped to a bed
dharma i'm going fishing all right let
me just read you a little something
first
the grizzled fishermen return in their
dirty station wagon
the fish broken and bleeding strapped to
their fender
the young are without mothers to suckle
them
this is about deer honey you crossed out
deer and you rode fish
i couldn't find anything about fishing
it's basically the same thing
i gotta go i will call you tonight
you are not going you're not
going is it is that an anchovy are you
throwing anchovies at me
they're sardines
you do know that you're being ridiculous
of course i know i'm being ridiculous
but i cannot spend the rest of my life
not being able to have my husband and my
mother in the same room
come on craig it's just a stupid fishing
trip which for the record i did not want
to tell your mother about
yeah well yeah
okay look i'm
absolutely not supposed to tell you this
but the truth is
my father and i don't go deep sea
fishing
what do you mean you don't go deep sea
fishing we go
somewhere else where do you go
i can't tell you i made a promise to my
father and i can't break that promise
but i give you my word and you can
truthfully tell your mother that i'm not
fishing
you're just gonna have to trust me on
this
do you trust me of course i trust you
now tell me where you're going
i love you
if you're not back in seven years i'm
moving on with my life
how about some dessert huh little creme
brulee
or me soon maybe another steak
remember this is my treat oh no no no
i'm as full as a tick
i'll just get something to take home
so uh i guess greg pretty much tells you
everything that goes on in his life
right
okay listen dharma
if you found some panties in the car
those are mine
pete i just want to know where he went
this weekend and he didn't tell you
no listen dharma greg's my best friend i
i'm a little uncomfortable you bribing
information out of me
all right fine sorry separate checks
please
no you can do it i'm just saying i'm a
little uncomfortable with it
all right you didn't hear it from me
but every few years greg and his dad
yeah
they go deep sea fishing
no they don't pete it's just a cover for
what they really do
oh good i'm starting to feel bad about
ratting them out there
oh hang on there mr cheesecake about
that one in a hat box
yeah yeah
[Applause]
kitty oh hi celia
mr dharma what are you doing here i just
really need to talk to kitty is she here
nope i don't see her and you don't see
me bye-bye
and last year sally and i had the pool
redone
all new tile hi miguel i haven't seen
you in a while come on
gracias these are our friends the
goosebumps hello
hi this is our neighbor dharma she's
looking for her dog but it is not here
we'll keep our eyes open for her
bye-bye
miguel why don't you show our guests
your cigar collection in the den in the
den
the dark room with the with the wood ah
yeah
celia what's going on where's kitty hi
i cannot tell you see i need to find out
where greg really is and i'm hoping that
if i can talk to kitty i can figure it
out
mrs montgomery doesn't know anything and
she must never know
what do you mean this is how it works
the men say they're going fishing but
they're really going to las vegas for
girly shows
they're in vegas yes and mrs montgomery
uses that time to sneak off and get a
little
tuck this time
it's her bottom really
yes but mrs montgomery knew that they
were in vegas
looking at boom boom boom she might have
a problem
and no trip for them no trip for her
amiga and i wouldn't have a
poolside vacation
myanmar i forget since the remodel
where's the den upstairs or downstairs
do we have an understanding here
yes i promise to keep my dog in the yard
from now on
it was very nice to meet you celia and
miguel are such
great neighbors we were so happy when
they bought the house from the
montgomery to talk about snog
hey larry do me a favor sit in this
couch and see if any fuzz sticks to your
pants
your bobby hates that i already cleaned
the couch
larry i know sweetie it looks great
listen i need to ask you a question it
turns out greg didn't go fishing
oh well that's good news how do you
think abby would feel about him being in
vegas checking out topless shows
well this is a tricky one
she might see it as the exploitation of
women's bodies by men on the other hand
it could be women empowering themselves
by taking control of their sexuality
right so which way do you think she'd go
on it not a clue
but either way she's gonna feel very
strongly about it
thanks sir boy i can't believe they went
to vegas and they didn't invite
me i thought we were friends
i should say something about no no no
don't
do that um because
it's just edward edward and greg are
little
embarrassed about what they do there
strippers
i've seen strippers yeah but they're
not regular strippers
no edward has a um edward has a thing
what kind of thing
he likes them heavy what
yeah heady and slavic and
you know there's a little thing going on
here
whoa vegas has changed i'm done in the
kitchen larry if you'd like to check my
work
oh sweetie the place looks terrific
ma is gonna love it i'll take one quick
look
hey abby great news it turns out greg is
not fishing
oh no that's just a cover for kitty's
benefit
oh yeah what they really do is he and
edward go to las vegas
oh fakus why on earth do they go to las
vegas they go to see
a doctor for edward
specialist oh why can't they tell
kitty because
edward is a little self-conscious about
it
it's in a delicate area is it as cold
yes
i think that was my favorite show so far
it had everything
uh magicians topless women how funny was
it when that orangutan gave you the
finger on your
every time we go dad
[Music]
hello hi honey oh dharma hi
hey dharma you wouldn't believe the fish
we've been catching
from the ocean frank listen i know
you're in las vegas
oh uh uh look looked at a bar oh
son of a g*n uh honey how'd you
how did you find out doesn't matter now
listen abby changed harry's birthday
party till sunday night so you can make
it
so she's changed her mind about the
fishing well
you're not fishing unless you talk to
kitty but when you talk to abby you're
in vegas seeing a doctor for edward
who's getting his annual colonoscopy
which he doesn't want kitty to know
about
so he needs you there to lean on
emotionally not while they're doing it
i i mean when you talk to larry you're
in las vegas seeing girly shows but only
ones featuring large
slavic women
you might want to pick up some show
titles because all i could come up with
was the mosque cows
so we've uh changed our mind about the
lying thing
i'm just trying to cover your ass greg
and your dads
by the way don't stare at your moms
i try not to okay good i love you bye
bye hey look at this
they got a naked lady ventriloquist i
bet she does that just so you don't
watch her mouth
thank you mom you're welcome yeah
i can't tell you how delighted i am
you've reached some sort of a day taught
with greg
well kitty i was acting a little silly
and i didn't realize how much edward
needed this
uh fishing expedition
far so good i guess um where's your
grandmother
she sat back smoking and eating brisket
my mom asked she has a headache and she
went to lie down
hey ed listen it i just want you to know
i am totally cool
when you're not inviting me on your
fishing trip i mean personally
i don't go for the big ones oh you don't
know what you're missing they are
something to see
arching their back their tails up in the
air there was one there that almost
broke the pole
you're really into that oh there's
nothing like wrestling a really
big one i i worked up a sweat with a 300
pounder for an
hour and a half you wrestle them
it really gets the blood pumping
i'll tell you just thinking about it
makes me a little queasy oh yeah i used
to get sick too
first couple of times i actually threw
up all over the guy next to me really
you're telling me
edward how are you feeling ah
better and better i wanted to tell you
that i know about you and gregory in the
trip to las vegas
you do oh don't worry i've not told a
soul and i would never tell kitty
but i wanted you to know that i think
it's terrific and i think it's something
every man should do
i've been trying to get larry to do it
well he should i'm telling you it's four
days he'll never forget
four days well there's a lot to see down
there dad i think mother really needs
that drink
he's on the medication for the pain yeah
this is never gonna work relax
[Music]
hey ed sorry i gotta ask you another
question about your little trip
hey oh look uh more more presents oh
good
all right take a seat everybody or or
stand
if you'd feel more comfortable
what is that supposed to mean
i said nothing about the work you had
done in your
backyard
your backyard is lovely kitty what have
you had done to it oh she's always
having someone work on it
moving things around back there frankly
it's more trouble than it's worth i'd
just as soon cement the whole thing over
and play tennis on it
so this is it you want us to spend the
rest of our lives keeping all this up
that's the plan okay but again for the
record we had just told your mother yeah
yeah blah blah
have some cake
where have you been i took your mother
to the airport
her plan's not for two days she kept
saying
she wanted to get there early
you
05x11 - A Fish Tale
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.