01x07 - Super Blues

[bunniefuu]

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is life the one you get ♪

♪ so go and have a ball ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ straight ahead
and rest assured ♪

♪ you can

♪ so while youre
here enjoy the view ♪

♪ keep on doing what you do ♪

♪ hold on tight, we'll
muddle through ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ so up on your
feet, up on your feet ♪

♪ somewhere theres
music playing ♪

♪ don ♪ well just
take it like it comes ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

Did you see my hoop earrings?

Barbara! Stop! Please,
you're driving me crazy!

Short trip, wasn't it?

My earrings, you-you're
wearing my earrings.

Take them off. I... I
need them for the party.

They're not your earrings!

I bought them.

I loaned you half the money.

Give 'em! Ok.

You can have one
until you pay me back.

Oh, boy, I'm glad I
wasn't buying a bra!

[Ann] barbara, will
you get your gym shoes

Out of the bathroom, please?

It's a small room with
very poor ventilation.

What's everybody
getting so uptight for?

I'm not uptight. The guests
are due to arrive any minute,

And I can't find my pantyhose.

You've got 'em on.

No, I have peach
on. I hate peach.

What I'm looking
for are the melba.

You're wearing my
pantyhose. Take 'em off.

I can't. Why not?

You see, I don't like
peach and I don't like melba.

But I love them together.
Get it? Peach melba.

I get it. Take off
the melba hose.

Ok, ok.

Hey, julie, the shrimp, uh, would
you, uh, spread them around

So they don't look so skimpy?

I'll push 'em closer
together. Maybe they'll mate.

Ooh, uh, barbara, how do I look?

I mean, how's this dress? Great.

Terrific. You're like your
father. You don't even look.

Mom, come on. Take it easy.

Oh.

Julie, would you take
off the melba hose?

Now, quick. All right.

[Knocking at door] I'll get it.

Barbara!

[Yells]

Hi, guys.

Sudden stop on the elevator?

David, don't ask dumb questions.

Mom likes to wear 2
pairs of pantyhose.

You really don't
trust me, do you?

David, where have you been?

This whole thing
was your dumb idea.

I didn't want to have this party

But you wouldn't listen.

Mom, if I can't have
the pantyhose,

At least make this punk
give me the other earring.

What do you want,
both ends to freeze?

[Ann] julie.

Take it, ok?

Thank you, ok?
You're welcome, ok?

[Screeching]

Would you two stop
all this squabbling.

I really have enough
to worry about here.

Mom's having her annual
hostess breakdown.

Ann, ann, come on, relax. Relax.

The place looks
great, you look great.

Boy, do you look great.

Julie, why didn't you
tell me I was unzipped?

Would you do me up please?

Ma, I can't. My nails are wet.

Oh, david, I don't
wanna have this party.

Ann, ann, take it easy.
Everything is done.

The hard part's over.

You sound just like my ex-husband,
because he never did anything.

Hey, I made the devilled
eggs and salad...

Except to want to make love
the minute I got all dressed.

Uh, uh, david, zip
me, would you?

Ok, after I do, you
want to make love?

David, don't fool
around. Just zip me, ok?

Hey julie, did you
make the onion dip?

Yeah, mom. Good.

David, zip. I'm trying.

Oh, uh, barbara. Did you
do what I asked you to do?

Right, uh, I put the cheap
vodka in the smirnoff bottle.

Hold still.

[Sighing]

Oh, damn, it's stuck. Oh.

Here, let me.

No, I can do it.
Thank you. Allow me.

I mean, it's not much,

But it's a lot more fun than
fooling with my own zipper.

Come on, barbara.

There's nothing more
embarrassing than adults at play.

Uh, you could just
pull it up. Yes, thank you.

David, would you hurry, please.

I don't want the guests
to find me like this.

Ann, relax. You're getting
uptight about nothing.

[Sighing]

Well, if it ain't
hanky and panky.

Schneider, the zipper's stuck.

I can see that it's stuck.

The question is, which way
was it going when it got stuck?

arriba or abajo?

Schneider, is there any reason
why you came in unannounced?

Yeah, I brought you some mail.

What is it?

A child support check.

It arrived with 3
cents postage due.

Oh, you are really
a bumblefingers.

I mean, if all the men in the
world were as slow as you,

We'd never need the pill.

You know who could
have used the pill?

Your mother.

I'll fix the zipper.

You fix juries, I fix zippers.

permittez.

Now, ms. Romano, I want you to
take a deep breath and trust me.

Thanks.

Hey, what're you...
You having a party?

Yeah, just a few
people dropping by.

Well, that's strange, I
didn't hear about no party.

I mean, as a super
here, I try to,

You know, keep tabs on
everything that's happenin'.

Well, uh, schneider, do you mind,
we're expecting the guests any...

[Schneider] well, who's coming?

Just a few... Very,
very, few people.

Uh, hey, look, the salad.

Look, i, uh, I still have
to make the salad.

We got an awful lot to do
here. So, if you'd excuse us?

Hey, I'll help.
You're havin' a party.

You want it right
for your friends.

I'm here to help. I mean,
what are friends for?

Uh, thanks, schneider,
but I really, uh...

Hey, listen. I got a dart
board th-that you can have,

And I got a... A dribble glass.

You go, like this, and
the dribble comes down.

Ooh, and I got a, what you call,

I got a... A sure fire roll
of t.p. With some jokes on it.

Uh, uh, no, thanks, schneider.

Is that the olsen's piano?

Yeah, I borrowed it,

Well, do they know that?

Huh? Yeah. They're
coming to the party.

What you... You
asked the olsens?

Oh, you're having
people from the building?

Uh, just a few.

You're gonna have some
people from the building, huh?

Oh, you know, I guess I should
go down and check my mail.

I mean, a lot of stuff is getting
lost in the mail nowadays.

You know, I mean, your, uh,
your... Your bills, your... Your ads,

Your invitations.

Listen, would you like
a whoopee cushion?

I knew I forgot something.

Well, if you wanna
get in touch with me,

I'll be in my apartment.

Did somebody come?

Yeah, the burt reynolds
of the boiler room.

Schneider was,
uh, dropping hints

About, uh, being
invited to the party.

I don't know, maybe I
should have included him.

I mean, he knows
everyone who will be here.

Well, why don't you invite
everyone else he knows, too.

Then we can all sit around and
play pin the tail on the sump pump.

[Ann] damn it.

The disposal is broken.

Huh. What's wrong with it.

I don't know, david, fix it.

I don't know how to fix it.

Oh, david, do, uh, something.

Oh, barbara, will you get
your gym shoes out of here!

Here we go again.

So, that's what it is. I thought
maybe the eggs had gone bad.

Uh, hey, barbara, do me a favor.

Would you, uh, call schneider
and ask him to come up

And, uh, fix the disposal?

What is the matter?
Oh, I don't know.

Oh, it's perfectly obvious.

The warranty must
have expired this morning.

Schneider? Uh,
yeah, this is barbie.

Listen, could you come up here?

Uh, yeah, my mom wants you.

No, no, she asked me to
call you. Ok, thanks. Bye-bye.

It's not working.

Barbara, uh, don't call him.

I just did. You told me to.

All of a sudden, she listens.

Call him back. [David] why?

Because, david,
it's like rubbing it in.

He knows we're having a
party. Can't you fix it yourself?

Ann, I'm not a
plumber. I'm a lawyer.

Then talk to it.

Should I call him
back or not? Yes.

No.

David... Look, ann,

It's the man's
job to fix things.

Yeah, david, I know that,

But I mean now he's gonna
think he's invited to the party.

I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

And the only way you
could hurt his feelings

Would be for you to get a
bigger tattoo than he has.

Maybe I should have included
him in the first place. I don't know.

Ann, will you be
honest with yourself.

In the first place, it never
even occurred to you

To include him
in the first place.

Then he came up here, and he
saw you were having a party,

And so he started
dropping a lot of hints,

And he got you feeling guilty.

I don't feel guilty, david.

All right, all right, ann.

Salve your conscience
and ruin the party.

Ok, invite schneider. Invite
his whoopee cushion, too.

What's a whoopee cushion?

Must be some kind of a sex aid.

Well, I can just see that schneider's
gonna be the life of the party.

Yes, sir.

He'll wear the lampshade,

Tell his playboy party jokes,

Pinch all the women.

Everyone will scream and fight.

Someone will call the police.

They'll send in
the s.w.a.t. Team,

And by morning,
we'll all be dead.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh.

Ok, uh, g*ng. This is
it. Our first guest.

The gym shoes. Out.

Julie, look at that.

Ma, can't I leave them here? It'ill make
it look like we're having a hot party.

Ok. Enough.

I've gotta get the door.

[Doorbell ringing]

Have no fear, the
schneid is here.

Whoo.

What do you wear
under that, schneider?

Aqua velva, a drop
on each cheek.

Schneider, you're a vision.

What happened?
Your pizza exploded?

Don't knock it, counselor.

If skirts are good enough for the
supreme court, they're good enough for me.

But on a gala
night like tonight,

Why don't you and i,
uh, call a truce, huh?

What do you say,
truce? Ok, truce.

[Buzzer buzzing]

It's the old buzzer
trick. Right? Yeah.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll put it here on the sofa

And I'll camouflage it
with this pillow here.

Now, the first lady
that sits on that

Is gonna be the
first lady in space.

Oh boy, what a night! Am
I in the mood for a party.

I really am going to enjoy my...

[Whoopee cushion goes off]

[All laughing]

Schneider, that's
really neat. I like it.

Hey, am I the first one? Yeah.

Well, I don't mind. Listen.

Whenever I'm invited, I like
to show my appreciation

By bein' on time.

What's here are some of those
beautiful hawaiian macadamia nuts.

Oh, can I have some?

Sure, help yourself. Thank you.

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

What's all the excitement?

Hey, did you get
the disposal fixed?

Do what? The disposal?

[Ann] uh, schneider, would
you like a deviled egg.

Yeah, they're real
good. I made them myself.

[Julie] you want some shrimps?
There's only a few left.

[David chattering]

The, uh,

Disposal is broken?

Well, yeah, that's
why we called you.

Oh, hey, that's
some wild outfit.

Going someplace?

Yeah.

I'm going in the kitchen,

And I'm gonna fix the disposal.

Don't worry about
it, schneider. For...

Ms. Romano, a superintendent's
job is to fix things.

And that's what I am.

A superintendent.

Hey, uh, schneider. You know, we...
We really appreciate this, old buddy.

[Clearing throat]

I... I had no idea what to
do with all that garbage.

You, uh, you stuff it,
counselor. You just stuff it.

You forget to press
the reset button?

Yeah.

Let's see if it works.

Don't!

It works.

Oh, schneider, I'm so sorry.

I tell you, ms. Romano, it
comes with the territory, uh...

Actually, uh, you were
lucky to catch me in.

I was, uh, I was on my way
out to a big to-do at the lodge.

Oh, uh, please stay.

I tell you, by the time

I take a shower
and get into a suit,

Uh, I'll barely make
it to the lodge.

Uh, maybe after that?

After that, I have a
date with 2 lady friends

For a little tete-a-tete-a-tete.

I mean, it's saturday
night, you know, uh,

I got so many invites I'm
surprised I accepted yours.

But, uh, I want to thank you, you
know, for the drink and the snack.

And say hello to my
friends in the building.

Oh, david, I feel terrible.

Ann, come on, he'll survive.

Look, I lost a case
today, and I'll survive.

Of course, my client won't.

[Whoopee cushion goes off]

Schneider forgot
his whoopee cushion.

[Doorbell ringing]

I'll get it, mom, I'll get it.

Oh.

Mr. And mrs. Ransford.

Oh, ginny, fred, come on in.

Nice to see you. Good evening.

I told you we'd
be the first ones.

Well, I wasn't going to walk
around the hall any longer.

What are you
folks drinking, huh?

Well, I'll have vodka.
Smirnoff, if you've got it.

Oh, we've got it!

Uh, ginny, how about you?

No, thank you. I don't
approve of drinking.

How about a little grass?

No thank you, I'm not hungry.

He's, uh, just kidding.

Uh, look, uh, would you
excuse me for a minute?

I... I gotta go downstairs
and get some ice cubes.

Oh, ann, it's ok. I brought
the ice cubes. Here you go.

How about that? He
brought ice cubes.

I lied.

I told you she was strange.

I certainly hope that something
happens to goose up this party.

[Buzzer hissing]

Something happened.

[Knocking at door]

Yeah?

Ms. Romano.

Can I come in?

Yeah, sure.

I, uh,

I was just gonna change
into a bowling shirt.

I'm not going to
go to the lodge.

I mean, it's just so much a
guy can do in one evening.

This is a very, uh,
nice apartment.

Very masculine.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's
got a great view.

If you stand on a box.

You can look out that window
and you can see the entire gas meter.

To, uh, what do i, uh,

Owe this honor?

Dwayne, I want you to
come back up to the party.

Something else break?

Ok, I'll admit I didn't ask you
before. I'm asking you now.

Ms. Romano, i... I got your
message loud and clear.

I'm the super,
you're the tenant,

And never the train shall meet.

Look, I'm, uh, trying to
apologize to you. Why won't you...

Ms. Romano, you do not
apologize to a super.

I mean, it's... It's
just not done.

Dwayne... Hmm, dwayne, right?

It's dwayne when they need you,

But it's schneider when
they want to get rid of you.

Schneider, uh, dwayne...

When I was a kid growing up,

I mean, the super was
always the good guy.

He was always the hero. I mean,

He... He always fixed
things. He protected people.

Like john wayne.

Like el duque.

You know, that's very
interesting. I mean,

Look, he wears his g*n belt just
the way you wear your tool belt.

And you think that's
silly, don't you?

No! No, I mean, he has his 6
sh**t. You have your plunger.

Huh, you have your
little joke at my expense.

Oh, no. Listen, I
really admire you.

I mean, you can fix anything.

That's... That's talent.
Oh, let me up, will you?

If I were to disappear tomorrow,

Who would miss me?

[Scoffs]

Look at that. It's unanimous.

I should really go
ahead and end it all.

Oh, no... Oh, it's no big deal.

I do a half gainer into the
incinerator, it's over in a flash.

The incinerator?

All right, the trash compactor.

No, the headache
could be m*rder.

Huh.

You really feel sorry
for yourself, don't you?

Why shouldn't i?

I mean, what the
hell have I got here?

You-you, at least,
you've got the 2 kids.

Have you ever lived with 2
teenagers and a telephone?

That is alone.

Ms. Romano,

You have been divorced one year.

I have been divorced 10.


Window when you wanted it closed.



Of not waiting to
get into the bathroom.


Into the shower

Without being slapped
in the face by a wet bra.

How long were you married?



Schneider, I was
married for 17 years.

Come on now. I mean, do
you realize how tough it was

For me to... To walk into a
restaurant alone for the first time?

Yeah. I hate that, I hate that.

See, the thing is about it is

I don't know where to look
before they give me my food.

Well, I look at the... I look
at the married couples.

Not talking to each other.

Huh, I guess that's loneliness.

Not having somebody
not to talk to.

That's nothin'.

Try wakin' up at 3
o'clock in the morning

When you can't go back to sleep.

I know. I watch
television at that hour.

But you're so vulnerable.

Last night I watched
the bride of frankenstein,

I cried at the wedding.

You're better off
than me. I was jealous.

You watched it, too?

Oh, sure. I mean, it beats lying
here and staring into space.

You know how many squares
there are in that ceiling?





When the lights are just right,

Shinin' on those pipes,

They look like 2
dinosaurs mating.

Those dinosaurs are in
a very awkward position.

No wonder they're extinct.

You're all right, you know.

Hey, let me get you some
ice there for your drink.

[Both laughing]

You know, ms. Romano,

It was really, it was
really nice of you

To come down here
and apologize to me.

But if the truth is known,

I owe you an apology.

I knew, you know, that I
wasn't invited to your party.

Excuse me.

I figured, you know, that maybe

Me and my caftan, we
could bluff our way in.

You know, schneider,
that is a hard thing to admit.

I want you to know it has been a
pleasure being miserable with you.

I'll drink to that.

Up the hatch.

Hatch.

Do you know what
we're doing here?

I mean, we're communicating
with each other,

And you haven't even
tried to make a pass.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

Hey, don't spread it around.

I promise.

You know, we're
having more laughs here

Than they're having
upstairs at your party.

What party? Oh, my
party. Hey, come on.

Uh, schneider, uh,

You'll, uh, come with me, right?

Yeah, yeah. But, uh,

Do you think I need
another sh*t of aqua velva?

I think you're terrific just the
way you are. Come on, let's go.

♪ [Playing]

Oh, you know, david,

This is what life is all about.


Nothing in common

Reach out and touch
each other where they live.

What exactly happened
down in schneider's apartment?

Oh, you're very suspicious.

No, I am speaking
solely symbolically.

I mean, schneider is a deep,
sensitive human with a need to feel.

That I'll buy.

You were wrong and you're
just too stubborn to admit it.

What do you mean
wrong? Wrong about what?

Well, you said that schneider
would ruin this party.

I mean, look at
them. It's a miracle.

♪ [Piano music playing]


Was having any fun.

And now, I mean, look at it. Schneider's
got this party off the ground.

Ow!

Somebody pinched me.

Who pinched you?

You pinched my wife.

I did not.

Look, wise guy,
lay off the booze.

You've been chasing
her all night.

If I was chasing,
it wouldn't be her.

[All clamoring]

I hate to leave, ms. Romano,
but I gotta get up in 3 hours.

Well, I don't want to be a
hardnose super, but it is kind of late.

Try to keep the noise down, ok?

[Inaudible]

[female announcer] this program
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.