02x24 - The Expendable Agent

[bunniefuu]

Woman over p.a.:
flight 93 from boston

now arriving, gate 7.

Max, why does professor
whitaker have to transmit

His rocket fuel formula to
the american scientists verbally?

Because, 99, the
formula is so vital

That the british refuse to have
it transmitted any other way.

There's absolutely nothing on paper.
It's all in professor whitaker's head.

I'll bet there are a lot of countries
that would like to get hold of the formula.

You bet your sweet life there
are... China, russia, uruguay...

Max, uruguay doesn't
have any rockets.

Of course they don't
have any rockets, 99,

But if they ever get some,
they'll have the fuel for them.

The chief says that british
intelligence has assigned an agent

Named alex chain to
protect the professor,

And that the mission
is considered so vital

That he's listed as expendable.

Woman over p.a.: flight 704
from london now arriving...

That's their flight, max.

flight 704 from
london now arriving...

They were supposed to
meet us here, weren't they?

- Yes, they said they would be here.
- Yes, all right.

- Professor whitaker?
- Yes?

- I'm maxwell smart.
- Oh, how do you do?

How do you do? This is agent 99.

So nice to meet you.
And this is mr. Chain.

How do you do?

How do you do? Now professor whitaker,
if you'll be kind enough to come with us.

Yes, of course.

Woman over p.a.:
professor whitaker, phone call.

- Excuse me, please.
- professor whitaker, phone call.

Excuse me.

Max, look!

Good work, 13.

Anytime, 86.

It's a lucky thing for
me you were in there.

I've been in here for 72
hours without a break.



No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

Max, at this moment,
america's greatest scientists

Are on their way here to
meet with professor whitaker.

Will our top scientist,
professor einstock, be here?

I had to pull a lot of strings,
but I finally convinced his employer

That it was essential for
the security of our nation.

- Who does he work for, chief?
- The wattel toy company.

The meeting is
going to be held here

In this office tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, to ensure
professor whitaker's safety,

I want him to stay at
your apartment tonight.

Oh, not my apartment
again, chief.

I'm getting complaints
from the landlord

About the g*n
battles in the hall

And the bombs in the lobby and
the knife fights in the elevator.

When you rent an apartment to a secret
agent, you'd better expect those things.

But, chief, he doesn't
know I'm a secret agent.

Then how do you explain people
attacking you and sh**ting at you?

Well, I told him I worked for
the bureau of internal revenue.

Max, a hotel is too vulnerable.
It has to be your apartment.

With all those secret security
devices and protective weapons,

It's the only place where the
professor will be really safe.

now max, I want you to use
all anti-kidnapping measures.

Kidnapping? But they tried
to k*ll him at the airport.

No, max, those were
not conventional b*ll*ts

They used. They used
tranquilizer pellets.

They intended to
kidnap the professor.

Max, whitaker and chain
are outside waiting for you.

I want you to take
them to you apartment.

Now remember, kaos is
expert in the art of kidnapping.

I know, chief. Do you
remember the time

That kaos kidnapped agent 95?

They tortured him for 30 days.

By the time we rescued
him, he was a total loss.

Why, he was ranting and raving. You
couldn't understand a word he said.

- Whatever happened to agent 95?
- He went into politics.

Gentlemen, professor whitaker

Has arrived safely

Because of the blundering
of agent sidney here.

Ah. The rest of you have never
seen pictures of professor whitaker.

I want you to examine
these photographs

And burn his face
into your mind.

Now these are
pictures of alex chain,

The british secret service agent
assigned to guard the professor.

Remember his face also.

Now before we continue
with the business at hand,

Agent sidney here will give
us the kaos financial report.

For the fiscal year just ended,

Kaos, incorporated, showed
a gross income of $980 million,

Which after taxes

Left us a net income
of $980 million.

The figures speak
for themselves.

We've had a lousy year.

Our stock is dropping rapidly.

It hasn't been this low
since the day hitler died.

Sidney: we must kidnap
professor whitaker

And make him divulge the
secret rocket formula

and sell it on the open market.

Otherwise there'll be no christmas
bonus come mussolini's birthday.

Now if you happen
to find yourself

Looking down the
barrel of a kaos revolver,

You merely ask for a last drink.

Nobody could refuse a
chap a request like that.

Now,

When you release the
handle on this soda siphon,

It triggers that
wall lamp over there.

Watch.

It never misses.

Yes yes yes. Dastardly clever.

Brilliant.

Sorry, sir. Are you
all right, professor?

Yes yes yes yes. But
don't worry about me.

Go ahead and answer the phone.

But the phone isn't ringing.

It isn't? Oh.

Well, perhaps they'll
call back later.

Now, professor, this is
an extremely clever device

In case you're
taken by surprise.

You merely reach over and
press one of these buttons.

What's it do?

Well, it releases a
net from the ceiling

That falls and
traps your assailant.

How ingenious. Is
it this button here?

No, it is not that button
there. It's this button here.

Now I must warn
you, professor, never,

Never at any time
sit in this chair.

- Why not?
- Because there is a revolver

Concealed in the
arm of this chair,

And when you sit on the cushions,
it releases the trigger mechanism.

Anybody standing in front of
this chair will be k*lled instantly.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm glad
you told me, mr. Smart.

Is there anything else we
should be acquainted with?

Yes, there's one more thing,
professor. Come with me.

An invisible shield.

A ceiling-to-floor,
wall-to-wall, plastic shield.

Bulletproof, airtight,
and completely invisible.

Well, where is it?
How does it work?

It's really quite
simple, professor.

It works when I sit on the
edge of the desk like this.

I have just lowered
the invisible shield.

Now, nobody on that side
of the room can reach us.

b*ll*ts, poison gas,

Nothing that kaos can
dream up can reach us.

Why, you can't even see
a reflection or a glare.

yes, I know, professor.

But believe me,
the invisible shield

Is right behind you.

Who moved the desk?

I must personally congratulate
your control scientists

For creating such brilliant
methods of protection.

Well, thank you very much. That's
very kind of you. It's quite a compliment.

Yes yes. Well, with such devices

And you and
mr. Chain to guard me,

My life is 100% safe.

You're very kind, sir.

Well, would you believe...



Professor whitaker
is sound asleep.

Good. Well, I hope this won't
be too uncomfortable for you.

Oh, don't give it a thought.

What are you doing?

Standard procedures

In cases of joint security.

One of us gets up, he'll
wake the other one up.

But as I remember this,

You're supposed to tie one
end of this to the professor.

I know that, chain,

But I didn't have a piece
of string long enough.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

The door. There's
somebody at the door.

Gentlemen, th-th...

There's somebody
at the door! Oh!

Get him! Get him!

There's somebody at the window!

But who's this?

It's the professor. Sorry
about that, professor.

Well, I guess that takes
care of our late visitor.

- Yes.
- Good sh**ting, professor.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

Uh, from hunting
grouse, you know.

Well, now that
they've tried and failed,

I guess we can all go back to
bed and get a good night's sleep,

Undisturbed.

You're underestimating
the enemy, my friend.

Kaos never gives up.

I give up.

This just hasn't been
your day, has it, sidney?

So why do I allow you
to remain with kaos?

I give you opportunity after
opportunity, and yet you keep failing!

So why do I keep giving
you another chance?

Sidney, tell me why.

I don't know, uncle boris.

Sidney, pass me
the boom-boom box.

Good, sidney. Very good.

You see, when you
put your mind to it,

You can do something.

Gentlemen,

I have placed a b*mb in the
living room of the apartment

That will k*ll agents
smart and chain.

But professor whitaker... He'll be
k*lled and we'll lose the formula.

The professor is asleep
in the upstairs bedroom.

He'll be safe from the blast.

The b*mb is remotely controlled

From this box.

When I press that button,
the b*mb is activated

To explode at 12:00 midnight...

Exactly five minutes from now.

What's wrong now?

I have to put this
alarm clock someplace.

The ticking is keeping me awake.

Smart, that clock isn't ticking.

It's an electric alarm clock.

Oh. Then it's probably a b*mb.

Both: a b*mb?!

Get ahold of everything that
ticks and throw it out the window!

Ah, this here.

That one.

What are you doing? That was no
clock! That was a priceless vase!

- Oh, I'm sorry about that, old bean.
- What's going on here?

It's nothing, professor. Kaos
just planted a b*mb in my apartment.

Shh!

Our watches. Quick, get
rid of your wristwatches.

Yes, you've got it. Here, here.

Shh!

It's still here.

It's coming from the desk.

- It's coming from the desk.
- It's coming from the desk.

It's "doming" from the "cesk."

It's "doming" from the "cesk"?

What are you talking about? Shh!

A b*mb must be planted
somewhere in the desk.

Now, let's see. Wait a minute.

That pack of cigarettes. I've never
seen that before. That's not even my brand.

- It's not my brand either.
- And I smoke a pipe.

Well, then, kaos must have disguised
the b*mb as a pack of cigarettes.

Why, there's no telling
how long it's been here.

It could go off any
second! I'd better get...

Don't touch it! Don't you know
that anything that portable

Could go off with the
slightest movement?

I'll get a pail of water,
and we'll submerge it.

Good. Now, professor, look.

I want you to stand
right over here.

Now I'm going to lower
the invisible shield.

That way, if the b*mb
goes off, you'll be safe.

Yes yes.

Just don't sit there! Come on!

Be careful!

Easy does it now.

In a moment, we should have
ourselves an ineffective time b*mb.

Or a pack of soggy cigarettes.

Oh, good show, smart!

Good show!

What kind of a crazy
b*mb is that? It likes water!

Get it out! It might
explode any minute!

Have you ever dismantled
one of these things?

No, but I once saw
one of our agents do it.

He was awarded a
medal by the queen.

Posthumously, of course.

Yes. Well,

I've got some tools
here someplace.

We're gonna have
to take a chance

And dismantle this ourselves.

Now I want you to
get a pencil and paper

And write down everything I do.

In case anything goes wrong, the
chief will want a complete report.

- Right.
- Let's see here.

I'm ready to start.

He's ready to start.

Uh-huh. Look at this, chain.

It has a hair-trigger release

And a delayed-action circuit.

Hair-trigger release,

Delayed-action circuit.

- Mind if I smoke?
- Are you kidding?

Do you know how
dangerous that could be?

Oh, it's all right.
I don't inhale.

Chain, look.

There's the a*t*matic timer.

It's set to go off
at 12:00 midnight.

Well, it's almost that now.
We've only a few seconds left.

Wait a minute, now.

Easy does it.

I've got the detonator
wire... Right here.

In my hand.

The detonator wire must have
pulled out when it fell on the floor.

Oh, smart, that was a close one.

Hello.

Max I was just about to leave the
office. How's everything going there?

Well, chief, we
just had a close one.

Kaos tried to get rid of
chain and me by planting a b*mb.

- What?
- It's okay, chief. We dismantled it.

What about professor
whitaker? Is he all right?

He's perfectly okay, chief.

- Do you want to talk to him?
- Yes.

Uh, professor whitaker,
the chief wants to talk to you.

Uh, chief,

I wonder if you could
call back in a little while.

Professor whitaker is sleeping.

We have failed again!

At this very moment, professor
whitaker is at control headquarters

Transmitting the rocket fuel
formula to those u.s. Scientists.

It is now too late
for kidnapping.

If we can't have the
formula, nobody else will.

Professor whitaker
must be k*lled!

But we can't get into control
headquarters to k*ll him.

Then we must find a way to
draw him out of the building

Before he completes
the transmission.

But how? How?

Does anybody here
have an answer?

What would make him walk out
of a meeting of such importance?

Sidney...

Sidney, I asked for an
answer, not a question.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Doesn't the
professor have a niece

Attending a private
school in new england?

Yes, he does.

Well, that, gentlemen,

Is our answer.

You've done a fine job,
max. Another few hours,

And our scientists will have the
last of the rocket fuel formula.

Chief, have all of these
men been checked out?

Max! These are the most distinguished
minds in our defense department.

They've devoted their
lives to their country.

Each one has the nobel prize and
the distinguished service medal,

And each is a special advisor to
the president of the united states.

I know that, 99, but
can they be trusted?

- Chief?
- What is it, larrabee?

I'm sorry to disturb you,
but I think this is important.

What is it?

- It's a message from the professor.
- Oh, thank you.

Excuse me, professor. This
wire just came in from your niece.

- Cynthia? Is she all right?
- Oh, yes, she's fine,

But there's an urgency involved.

- I thought you ought to see it right away.
- Oh, thank you.

- What is it, chief?
- The professor's niece

Is leaving school
and eloping to mexico.

She's changing planes at the washington
airport and wants her uncle to meet her.

- She'll only have a few minutes.
- just like her mother...

Beautiful but headstrong.

Strange. She never mentioned
anyone in her letters.

Professor, under the circumstances,
I'm afraid I can't let you go.

Oh, but I must. The
duty of a guardian

Sometimes exceeds
the duty of a scientist.

- I could send chain or smart.
- No no no no no.

This is something a girl would
only discuss with her family.

I am sorry, but I must
go. Excuse me, please.

No, chain, you stay here.

Max, you and 99 go to the airport
with the professor, and be careful.

Don't worry, chief.
We'll be all right.

Chief, I still don't
trust these men.

I'm gonna station a couple of
extra guards outside the door.

I want to make sure
that the secret formula

Doesn't leave this room.

All right, max.

It's just not like cynthia
to do something like this.

You don't think it's some
kind of kaos plot, do you, max?

No, I don't, 99, but just to make
sure, I'd better contact agent 13.

Right.

Oh, hi, 86. What's up?

Professor whitaker's niece is due to
arrive any minute, so keep your eyes open.

- Right.
- Oh, by the way,

As long as I'm here, let me
have a pack of cigarettes.

- King-size or regular?
- Regular.

- Filter or non-filter?
- Filter.

- Mentholated or plain?
- Plain.

- Domestic or imported?
- Forget it, I broke the habit.

Woman over p.a.:
flight 93 from boston,

now arriving, gate 7,

- That's her flight.
- Yes.

- Is that her?
- Hmm? I believe so.

- Uncle harold.
- Oh, yes.

Excuse me, excuse
me. Cynthia, my dear!

But if I had only
reached him in time!

- I see.
- It wasn't your fault, max.

Thank you for calling me.

You can breathe easier. He responded
to the surgery. He's going to live.

- Oh, that's wonderful news, chief!
- But you don't understand.

He was my assignment,
and I failed!

You didn't fail,
max. Come with me.

Chain: and so you see, gentlemen,
utilizing the general concept

of the third dimension
carried to the fourth power,

we find that mx-squared

Minus g2 over the speed of light

gives us the equivalent
of the m5 quotient.

So, whitaker taught chain

The formula just in case.

No, max. Whitaker
never knew the formula.

But I don't understand,
chief. He was a scientist.

No, 99. Chain is a scientist.

Whitaker was the agent...
The expendable agent.

But, chief, that's impossible.

Chain looks like an agent.
Whitaker looks like a scientist.

That's what gave british
intelligence the idea

Of switching their roles
to make whitaker the target.

And it worked.

So that's why chain was
such an unreliable agent,

And why whitaker was
such a terrific shot.

Yes, I'm sorry we couldn't
let you in on the plan, max,

But they felt the fewer
who knew it, the better.

Well, I don't know, chief. I don't
understand how british intelligence

Could take such
a foolish chance.

- What foolish chance?
- Well,

How could they believe that
kaos would be stupid enough

To think that a bumbling idiot
like chain could be a secret agent?

Well, let's just say they've
gotten used to the idea, max.