02x15 - Kiss of Death

[bunniefuu]

Insalata speciale alla smart.

I prepared for you myself.

Oh, good. I'm starving.

Get the girl.

Help! Help!

I'm sorry, but this
table is occupied.

Help me. They are
taking my mistress.

Well, that will teach
you not to fool around.

The cops!

- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you.

What a brave man you are, mr...

Smart. Maxwell smart.

Maxwell smart. It must have
been fate that brought you here.

- No, it was the salad.
- I've got to go. I must get out of here.

But the police are coming. They'll
want to know what happened.

Can't afford the scandal. I'll
find some way to repay you later.

But what about those men?
What were they trying to do?

Probably another kidnap attempt.

Another?

It happens all the time.

Fascinating.

Fascinating and beautiful.

And very low calorie.

I'm telling you, chief. This was
no ordinary kidnap attempt.

I happened to have recognized
one of those hoods as a kaos man.

- What's the man's name?
- I can't remember.

- What was the girl's name?
- I didn't get it.

What about the license
number of the girl's car?

I didn't see it.

- How about the license of the other car?
- I didn't notice.

Max, what would you do if you were
me and an agent gave you answers like

"I can't remember," "I didn't
notice," and "I didn't see it"?

I don't know.

What's the matter, chief?
Another one of your headaches?

Listen, chief, I'm sure that I can
identify one of those attackers.

- How?
- Well, look, chief...

The lab has perfected
the new idento-man.

Oh. How does it work?

Well, you see, chief, the
head is a huge electromagnet.

Now you take these
various features

And you put them on and you get

- A three-dimensional figure.
- all right, let's get to it.

Now as soon as we can identify that
man, we'll send out a tracer on him.

Then maybe we can find out who the
girl is and what kaos wants with her.

Right, chief. Okay,
let's see now.

First of all, he
had a very kind of...

Determined chin.

And then...

A very cruel mouth...

And a mean moustache.

His nose was kind
of crooked, chief.

And then of course he had
those bashed-in cauliflower ears.

The thing I saw most was

Those big beautiful
baby-blue eyes.

- What about the hair?
- Oh, I didn't see his hair, chief,

He was wearing a hat.

Well, try that one.

That's him, chief.
That's the man I saw.

Now all we have to
do is take his picture

And run it through the a*t*matic
comparison file, and we've got our man.

Well, as soon as we can
pin down the identification,

I want you to look for the girl.

Because if he is a kaos man...

Oh, he is a kaos man,
chief. I never forget a face.

And the face you've
constructed looks like him?

I'm positive, chief.

Then we'll put him on our


Right, chief.

Watch out, chief! There he is!

It's all right, chief.

It's only the dummy.

Yes, I know.

- How am I doing, little joe?
- Wild, tracy, wild.

Now you are doing the jet.

Whoa whoa. Hey,
g*ng. Got a new dance...

"The leopard."

Excuse me, miss dunhill. There
are two gentlemen to see you.

I showed them into the library.

Slade, I told you never
to set foot in this house.

And what is caine doing here?

He's here because I
asked him to be here.

He told me about the fake
kidnapping attempt this morning,

And I don't like it. You
didn't clear it with me.

I'm the head of
kaos in this district.

And I'm the head of
the daughters of kaos.

A d.o.k. Takes command
of any district she's in,

And I am taking over the k*lling
of maxwell smart personally.

Since when have you
been interested in smart?

Today is one year to the
day since maxwell smart

k*lled the founder of the
united states branch of kaos...

My father.

Seems only fitting
that smart should die

On the anniversary
of daddy's death.

Why didn't you sh**t him this
morning when you had the opportunity?

I set up that fake kidnapping
attempt to make contact with smart.

Besides, sh**ting
lacks imagination.

I want thrills,
excitement, kicks.

Marvelous. But when does he die?

Tonight. And smart's weakness
is going to set him up for the k*ll.

We never found out
smart's weakness.

How could you know it?

He has the same weakness as
every other man I've ever met...

Me.

- Hello there.
- I've come to thank you, maxwell smart.

Won't you come in?

How did you find
out where I lived?

I looked you up
in the phone book.

Oh, you'd make a
good detective, miss...

- Tracy dunhill.
- Tracy dunhill.

Yes, of course.

Aren't you the one they
call "the madcap heiress,"

- "The billion-dollar baby"?
- Just call me tracy, max.

"Tracy max." Well, couldn't
we just make it "tracy"?

See, my name is max and it could
get a little confusing that way.

You're right.

Do you always
carry two fur coats?

Of course. One is for wearing,
the other's for dragging.

Miss dunhill, I'm not sure if
you're aware of this or not,

But you're in terrible danger.

You see, I happened to recognize

One of the men who tried
to kidnap you this afternoon,

And he's no run-of-the-mill
ordinary kidnapper.

He happens to be
a member of kaos.

Kaos?

Yes, an international
organization of evil.

Ooh, really? How exciting.

Exciting?

Yes, I live for excitement.

And you, mr. Smart,

You look like the kind of man
who lives for excitement too.

Well, yes, I guess you could
say I'm a man of the world.

Do you like skin-diving...

Great sport.

Gliding along the ocean floor...

Marvelous.

With only a spear
g*n in your hand...

Love it.

Surrounded by man-eating sharks?

That I'm not too crazy about.

Oh, max, I just know
you're my kind of man

and I know my friends
are going to love you.

Why don't you come
to my party tonight?

Oh, well, that's very nice
of you. I'd like to. What time?

Any time. It's been going
on for two months.

Let's say about 10:00 then.

It will seem an
eternity till then.

May I say, mr. Smart, you
have a fantastic charm?

May I say, miss dunhill, that
you have fantastic taste?

Good night.

Good night, tracy.

Max, I can't leave.

Why not?

You're standing on my coat.

Smart will be here at 10:00.

How are you going to k*ll him?

Well, that's just what
I'm going to work out.

Let's see...

I want something exotic.

No, something different.

That's it. Lipstick.

Lipstick?

Yes. This has the
protective undercoating.

And this is the poison lipstick.

and when I kiss smart...

Get one of the boys in here.

now.

Who can refuse a
daughter of kaos?

Caine, miss dunhill
wants to see you.

Yes, miss dunhill.

Caine, I never thanked
you for this morning.

Thank you, caine.

Quite dead.

Oh, yes. Any doctor will
think he died of a heart attack,

But you and I will know that he
was a victim of the kiss of death.

Get him out of here.

Max, I want you to be especially
careful at tracy dunhill's party.

You've got to find out
why kaos wants her,

And that means constant danger.

Oh, I don't know, chief.

Kaos has its K*llers,
kidnappers and blackmailers,

But I don't think they'd crash a
party where they weren't invited.

I think they might, max.

How do you like that, 86?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm not too thrilled about it.

Don't tell me
you're not thrilled.

Last year, thanks to me,

There were six control men

On the list of 10
best dressed spies.

I never heard of that list.

Of course you
haven't. It's a secret.

Everything I design is a secret.

That's why I am known
as tailor to the spies.

Well, what about
this? Look at that.

It looks like it's been rewoven.

Don't touch that.
It's a b*llet hole.

I spend weeks
making these jackets

And you agents go out
and get yourself shot.

You have no regard for clothing.

The jacket is just fine.

Okay, the jacket's just fine.

Now where's the secret
pocket for my g*n?

Don't tell me. I'll find it.

I can't find it.

There is no secret pocket.

You see?

He shouldn't get so
emotional about his clothes.

Max, I had agent 13 shipped
into tracy dunhill's house.

Shipped?

As we found out she'd
ordered some new furniture.

Before it was delivered, I
stationed agent 13 inside a couch.

- Oh, well that will be nice for 13.
- Why?

Well, he's been working
hard. He could use the rest.

Will you stop it?

Oh, max. The lab man asked me

To bring you this belt to
wear to the party tonight.

Oh, thank you, 99.

It's the latest piece
of special equipment.

The buckle contains a
miniscule tape recorder.

What?

Miniscule. Diminutive.
Microcosmic.

Hmm. You certainly
have a way with words, 99.

Teensy-weensy.

Chief, I don't like
this setup at all.

I think we ought to
try to crash that party.

But if we attract attention,
kaos is sure to become suspicious.

Trust my feminine
intuition, chief.

Max is walking into a trap.

Now, 99, you don't think just because
miss dunhill is terribly attractive

And fabulously wealthy, that
would affect max's judgment, do you?

How long would it
take you to change?

You're not as clever as you
thought you were, my dear.

It's 10:00. Smart
isn't here yet.

Don't worry. Smart will be
here, and I will be ready for him.

First the protective
undercoating.

Then the poison lipstick.

You're a very
attractive woman, tracy.

Oh, I just adore compliments.
I could kiss you for that.

Naughty.

Smart just came in. You could
take care of him right now.

A kiss hello, and
it's goodbye smart.

I told you, slade, I
will take care of smart

In my own way at my own time.

Smart dies at exactly the
moment that he k*lled my father...

Midnight.

Hello, max. I'm so
glad you could come.

I want you to meet
some of my guests.

Oh, thank you, tracy, but I think
I'll just look around for a little bit.

Don't forget, your life
may still be in danger.

Oh, that's right.
Don't you disappear.

I've got a great
surprise for you later.

Good. I'm looking forward to it.

Good evening.


Uncomfortable dressed like this.

My glasses are too dark and
my cummerbund is too tight.

But, chief, you'll fit
right in with the crowd.

Who are all these
strange-looking people?

A bunch of international
parasitic sycophants.

Hey, max was right. You
do have a way with words.



Hi there, 88-66.

It's just 86.

Well, I'm seeing
double right now.

I'm surprised at you, 13. You're
supposed to be working on a case.

I'm on my second case.

I finished my first
case an hour ago.

Well, at least you found
a clever place to hide.

Yeah, no, not really. Half a
dozen people have seen me already.

Well, how do you
explain yourself?

I don't have to. With
this jet-set crowd,

A guy in the sofa
is just normal.

I guess you're right.

Yeah, there's a swedish
actress sleeping in the wall safe.

Listen, 13, do you have
anything important to report?

Oh, you bet I have, 86.

I discovered something that's
so important, it's a matter of...

Excuse me.

It's a matter of life and death.

Unfortunately, I don't remember

What life or whose death, but...

Oh, hi there.

Ah, thank you.

Who was that?

Oh, that was agent 93.

Since I had to keep
surveillance at a party,

The chief was nice enough
to let me take along a date.

Well, I'll see you around, 86.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, 13.

Try to remember
what you've overheard.

But i... I... I know what...

Shh. Someone's coming.

Hello, max. Having a good time?

Yes, but I'm waiting for that
surprise you promised me.

You won't have long to wait.

Well, I hope it will
be worth waiting for.

You will never forget it.

I don't like the
looks of that, chief.

I'm sorry, 99. I'm new
at this kind of dancing.

I'm doing the best that I can.

No, I mean max and that woman.

Let's dance over that way.

Okay, but you lead.

Hold it down,
everybody. Quiet!

The party's getting dull. We
need something to celebrate.

And we are going to celebrate...

The new year!

But the new year is months away.

The man is right. That's what
we are going to celebrate...

The fact that the new
year is months away!

Oh, max, you know what is
so exciting about new year's?

Everybody kisses at midnight.

Good. Then I'll see
you at midnight.

You know, 99,
this is some party.

I hope max is all right.

- Oh, I'm sure he is.
- I don't know, chief.

I haven't been able to
reach him for over an hour.

Every time I tried to, that
man started talking to me.

- Did you find out who that girl is?
- No,

But I'm certain she's
a control agent.

You're playing a very
dangerous game, tracy.

In 30 seconds it
will be midnight,

And that's when maxwell
smart gets his kiss.

Come on, 13, try
and remember again.

I can't take this party much
longer. The noise is k*lling me.

- That's it!
- What's it?

That's the thing that
I couldn't remember.

You're going to
get k*lled tonight.

Tonight?

But it's almost midnight.

Midnight?

Well, look, if I
don't see you again,

Happy new year!

Tracy: happy new
year! Happy new year!

Max, max, over here!

Tracy, how about a
kiss? Happy new year!

No!

Max...

Happy new year.

Happy new year.

I did it. I k*lled
maxwell smart.

And exactly at midnight,
just as I said I would.

My apologies. You are a
true daughter of kaos.

And that's the end
of maxwell smart.

No, that's the end
of tracy dunhill.

I have your
confession right here

In my teensy-weensy
tape recorder.

You're supposed to be dead.

Yes, I know,

But when agent 13 told me that
I was gonna be k*lled tonight,

And when I saw you kiss that man
outside, I put two and two together.

But I was wearing poison
lipstick when I kissed you.

What saved you?

Plastic lips.

Thanks to the boys in
the lab, I can kiss and tell.

Good morning,
chief. Morning, 99.

Chief: good morning.

Well, chief, I checked
with the legal department.

And tracy dunhill is going
to prison for a long long time.

- I should think so.
- Yes,

They got her on two
charges of manslaughter

And one of kissing
with a deadly w*apon.

Congratulations,
max. You did a fine job

In gathering evidence
against tracy dunhill.

And loving it.

Oh, come on now, 99.
You don't really believe

I liked her and
her phony friends.

Funny you should mention that.

What are you talking about?

I have your teensy-weensy
tape recorder.

Max on tape: hello
there. What's your name?

Woman on tape: my name
is ivana, and I'm a ballerina.

Max on tape: and
I'm maxwell smart,

eccentric millionaire
and patron of the arts.

It so happens she
was 60 years old.

Would you believe 35 and ugly?

Max on tape: but
how could mam'selle

get so pretty in just 19 years?

All right, max. You two settle
your differences outside.

I've got work to do.

99, if you would
just let me explain.

go ahead, max, I'm listening.