02x15 - The Particle Board

[bunniefuu]

Hey, dad.

Yeah?

You're not concentrating
on the show.

Oh, sorry.

You're looking at the wall.

Are you all right?

Dad?

- Dad!
- Yes.

- Are you...
- Sorry.

You're staring at the wall.

Oh, here's
what I'm thinking, Ben.

This Saturday,
what do you say you and I,

we take out the old tool chest
and we, um...

Uh-huh.

Put on some b*at up
old clothes, and we...

Yeah.

And we put up some shelving,

some nice new shelving
on that wall.

What do you think
about that idea?

That's a bad idea, dad.

I'm sort
of watching a show here.

Well, I mean,
I was just suggesting.

That we do this Saturday,
you know.

And you want to put
the shelves over the TV.

No, on that wall there,

there's a totally... there's
a whole empty wall there.

We don't do
those kind of things.

We don't put up shelves.

We... we're not gifted
in that way.

What are you talking
about, we can't...

What about the tree house

I built you when you were a kid?

Do you... do you
not remember that?

No, I don't remember that.

What tree house?

When you were about six.

You don't remember me and mom.

And Lefty and Stu, we all...

Built a tree house?

Built a tree house.

Where?

In the backyard,
where we used to live.

I never had a tree house.

Well, you know,
when you're that age,

anything is a tree house.

You know what I'm saying?
It was...

We had a tree.

Well, it was
a very simple structure, Ben,

that's all I'm saying.

But for a six-year-old kid,

you were
in heaven there. You...

Why do you make up a tree house

when I never had it?

Why do you negate
the wonderful childhood

that we gave you?

Why don't you build me
a tree house now?

I'll build you a tree house.

Get over here, ya...

I'm going to build you
a tree house.

Boom.

Stop the hitting!

You know, doc,
I love playing cards.

Mm-hmm.

But, you know, all the years
I've been playing cards,

I never thought
about this until recently.

What's that, Eddie?

What's the deal with the royalty

in the deck of cards?

We know who the king is, right?

We know who the queen is,

but who the hell is the Jack?

You know, there's
no Jack in history.

You're never like, "I am
the Jack of England."

There's no, you know,

"I will meet with all
the Jacks of Europe."

Well...

If I was a 10, I'd be angry.

You know what I mean?

You're worth the same points
with the Jack,

but you don't get
the nice clothing, you know?

"Give me a sweater
or a gift certificate.

I'm in the royal flush.

I might as
well be the three."

You know what really is.

The biggest problem
with the news is?

What is the big problem?

They made anchor people
celebrities.

It's dangerous, you know?
These were the kids

that used to get b*at up
in high school,

and then you make them
celebrities,

and their egos go
through the roof, you know?

It's like,
you ever notice on the news?

Sometimes, you know,
the anchorperson

gets replaced by another one.

Right.

And they announce it
like they think it matters.

It's like, "Hi, I'm Chris
Phillips with the news.

Adam Roth
has the night off."

Who cares?
Just read the news.

This is television.

We can see you're not that guy.

You know, we're not worried,

like, you know,
"Where's the other guy?

Is he under the desk?
Who are you?

You're a freak.
I can't listen.

I want my old guy back!

I want my old guy back!"

Nobody cares.

And nobody does that
at any other job.

No one's like, "Hey,
and my name's d*ck Warren."

I'm here to fill
your t*nk with gas.

You see, John Harrison
has the night off tonight.

His wife's pregnant.

I'm just working
a double shift."

See, we don't really care.

It's really... you know what's
the easiest job on the news?

The weather people.

'Cause they just point
to stuff and make it up.

Yeah.

They play pin the tail
on the map,

and they make a million dollars.

"It's really going
to be cold... here.

Now, back to you, Bill.
I've got to cash my check.

Thanks."

You know who has the hardest
job on the news...

The weather people
working their way up

to be the weather anchor.

You know, the people
who have to go out

and cover the storm?

They have to interview
the blizzard.

When it comes into town?

Because the rich guy,

the rich girl weather
anchorperson,

they're in a studio, and
they're pointing at stuff.

And making it up and
weird hand motions,

and a fake voice that's like,

"Winds out of
the south-southeast.

"At a hundred thousand
miles per hour.

Gusting to 5 million
by tomorrow.

So stay in your homes
and lock your door,

but now let's take you
out to dink loser.

Right on the water
covering the storm."

And some poor guy in
a Gorton's Fisherman jacket

with a big, yellow rain hat.

You see this much of his face.

He's like, "Aah!
Help me! I'm scared!"

Hey, Laura.
How are you doing?

Good. How are you?

- It's Ben.
- I know.

- I know.
- What?

Oh, great. Hi.

What's happening over there?

You know, things, uh, smooth?

Mm-hmm.

Great.
Listen, I actually...

Is my dad available?

'Cause I've got to speak
to him about a few issues.

Well, he's in a session
right now.

Yeah, well can you
take a message?

Yeah.

Tell him that I'm on my way
down to the hardware store,

and I'm going to pick up
all the things.

That I've mapped out for a...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Sure.

Are you catching up?

Oh, no, no, I just meant stop.

Oh, well, could...

I'm not going
to take the message.

Yeah, so I guess
what I'm saying is,

politically, I'm paranoid.

Because I really
believe that, you know...

Let's be honest about it.

I mean, it doesn't matter.

What you are...
Republican, democrat,

you know, Jewish, catholic,
hindu, baha'i, Christian,

you trace them all back,
it's all, you know,

Viacom, AT&T, Time Warner,
I mean, am I being crazy?

I'm not being crazy.

I mean, I know this is true.

I can see it's true.
You know how I know?

'Cause I sit at home.

If you just make a little
hat out of Reynolds wrap,

and you just sit at home
for 20 minutes a day

and squint really hard,
the answers come to you.

You don't need television.

The information is just
floating around in the air.

It's a matter of how
you pick it up, you know.

It's a matter of
how you choose to do it.

Okay, so you might think
I'm paranoid,

but, okay, question, question.

Why you taking my name
at radio shack?

I'm buying batteries.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

I'm buying batteries.

Yeah, so, anyway, I'm going down

to the hardware store,
all right.

I'm going to pick up
the stud finder

and the particleboard.

I'm going to pick up
the shelving units,

all the wood screws,

the things that
the wood screws go into,

the little red things...

Ben.

And the grout, and the...

I don't really
need to know this.

'Cause, you know, we're
remodeling in the apartment.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

We're going to do some work
in the living room,

and things are going
to get a little sweaty.

Okay, stop right there.

You know, I think I'm just
going to be wearing jeans,

maybe no shirt.

There goes lunch.

I mean, come on, think about it.

Think about it.
Think about it.

Okay.

Think about God.

I think most people believe
in God just in case.

Mm-hmm.

You know, if there's
some sort of blacklist,

you know, you don't
want to be on it.

You don't want to be one of
those people that says,

"Hey, there's no God."

And then die and have to go...

"Oh, hi."

You know, "Is there."

Some sort of community
service I can do?"

Well, you know, I read
recently in USA Today.

That a lot less people
believe in god,

and it had a little color graph,

so, you know, it must be true.

More blue equals less people,

you know what I mean?

Why... but what is that?
What are statistics?

What's that all about, you know?

Why do we believe
that graph statistics,

like 5 out of 15 people
believe less in God?

Who'd they ask?
Did they ask you?

No. Did they ask me?

No.
Who are they calling?

I don't know. Well,
you see what it is,

you know what a pollster is,

those are those calls
you get where they go,

"Hi, mind if we ask you
a few questions about?"

And you're like, "No,
I have no time for this."

Yeah.
You hang up the phone.

Well, see what it is,

is that you get these guys,
who are sitting at home,

just sitting there,

watching Jenny Jones,
and the phone rings,

and they're just
sitting there and go,

"Oh, I wish
I had friends." Brring.

"Hey, you mind if we ask
you a few questions?"

"Yes, I want to
talk to people."

You see that?

I'm just saying, don't
believe the numbers.

But let's say it's true.

Uh-huh.

Let's say people
believe less in God.

I think one of the reasons is

God doesn't seem to talk to
people like he used to.

I mean, you read the Bible,
the Old Testament,

the New Testament,
every other day,

it was like,
"Abraham, this is God.

I need you to do something
for me, pronto.

Can you handle it?
Thanks.

I knew you could."

Who's he talking to now?
I don't know.

And then I realized maybe
it's those guys you see.

Walking down the street,
talking to themselves.

You know those guys
who are just like, "I can't."

"No, I can't.
No, I can't."

Yeah.

Maybe the other side
of that conversation.

Is God going,
"You're the new leader."

"No. I can't."

They're not crazy,
they're reluctant prophets.

So did you get that, Laura?

Mm-hmm.

Could you read it back to me
just to make sure that's...

'Cause I want to be specific.

Uh... sure?

Uh...
"Dr. Katz, Ben called."

That's fine.
That's okay.

I don't mind that.

Homelessness very...
It upsets me very much.

You know, but I really...
On some level, you know,

I can only do what I can,
you know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying,
doctor?

Sure. That's all
any of us can do.

Yeah. And I was walking
through this neighborhood.

You know, most big cities,
they have, you know,

there's a part
of most big cities

that's sort of like this


homeless renaissance
fair/flea market.

Because there's
a never-ending ecosystem

of resalable garbage
in most cities,

and they have
the market cornered.

I'm not knocking
homeless people.

I just... I usually don't
need any Bee-Gees 8-tracks

Or gas-powered
answering machines.

But the thing is,

I was walking through
this neighborhood, right?

Mm-hmm.

And I had a very human
moment, you know?

This guy walks up to me...
This is true.

This guy walks up to me.
He's got no shoes on.

Mm-hmm.

He's wearing pants.

He looks like he's been
sleeping in for weeks, okay?

And he's holding
the board game "Sorry!"

You know?
And you see... you know...

I really didn't know
what to do, you know?

I'm looking at him...
I think I'm a good person.

Yeah, I didn't know what to do.

So I just said,
"Well, set them up.

Let's play."

You know, I mean, "I don't
want to buy the game,

but I'll spend some time
with you, my friend,

and that will
be quality time."

He probably didn't...

Probably didn't really
want to play "Sorry!"

No, I played with him.

He b*at me two out of three,

and there were
no pieces, you know.

Yeah.

But, you know, I...

What I learned from that,
is that, you know,

sometimes in this life,
you know,

you just have
to play along, you know,

because it's
the right thing to do.

Sometimes you just have to say,

"Yes, it is
your turn again," you know?

Yeah.

And then other times,
you have to say,

"Hey," you know,

"Quit following me, buddy,"
you know.

Julie, listen to this.

Stanley, you know this one?

What?

What did the zen Buddhist
say to the hotdog vendor?

What?

"Make me one
with everything."

That's a great joke.

It is.

And it makes me hungry.

Ha!

You know, my dad insisted

on driving me here
tonight, Julie.

Really?

Makes a left-hand turn from
the extreme right-hand lane.

I said, "Dad, you're
trying to get us k*lled."

He said, "I thought
you were driving."

Ha ha!

Laugh. I couldn't stop.

He couldn't stop.

Let me ask you this, doc.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- If you owned a company...

If you owned a big company,

and you had no competition,

and everybody needed
your service,

would you spend a lot
of money in advertising?

No. Not
if everybody needed it.

So then why does
the U.S. postal service

advertise stamps on television?

You know, for two years now,
there are commercials on TV,

they actually end with,
"Buy U.S. postage stamps."

Yeah.

You know, maybe it's just me,

but my whole life,

all I've ever bought was
U.S. postage stamps.

You know, 'cause you try
scotch taping 32 pennies

to the envelope,
and it never gets there.

It's too heavy.

Because you use
easter seals instead,

and they come right back
to your house.

Of course we're going to
buy U.S. postage stamps.

What idiots.

You know how expensive it is
to advertise on television?

If you're the post office.

And you have a message for us,

well, put it in the mailbox.

You're going there anyway.

It's like having

a commercial for air, you know?

"Air... breathe it in,
breathe it out.

Air, brought to you
by the oxygen people."

Mmm.

You know, the weirdest one
of all of them?

Why do the yellow pages
advertise on TV?

We don't get our choice

of what yellow pages we want.

We don't even know
when they're coming.

They show up at our house,
you know,

once or twice a year
in a plastic bag,

and those are our yellow pages.

There are no yellow pages
shopping centers.

There's no kiosk at the mall
with all the yellow pages.

And here's
the most ironic thing:

Look in any yellow pages
under "Yellow pages,".

There are no listings.

So what kind
of piece of horrible

reference book is this?

I find it very helpful,
actually.

I'd rather call information
than use the yellow pages.

Because the yellow pages,
although it's a great idea,

it's like going on a
scavenger hunt through hell,

trying to find out what
words they decided to use.

For the stuff we normally call.

I'll give you
a true example, you know.

I wanted to find clothing
in the yellow pages,

you've heard of the word
"clothing," doc, right?

Mm-hmm. Clothing is...
I'm wearing some right now.

You know what it says
under "clothing".

In the yellow pages?

What?
Nothing.

Nothing!

Not "Clothing,
see something else."

Nothing. Like there's
no such word as clothing.

Yeah.

You know, and "Apparel."

Who, since 1903,
has used "Apparel"

in a regular sentence?

You know what it says
under "Apparel"

in the yellow pages?

"How the hell
did you find this?"

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, it's Ben.

Hi.

How're you doing?
Fine.

Listen, is my dad around?

Because I'm
at the hardware store,

and I'll tell you something.

This guy's giving me a hard time

about returning some items
I got last night.

And, you know, it says,
"refund," but he said, "no."

I can't argue with him because
you can't argue with "no."

Ben?

And I think what I need
is my dad here

because it's his credit card,

and he has his name on it,

and I forged his signature
last night.

And now they're saying,
"Oh, you're not this guy."

And I'm not, but
that's not the point.

So I'll have to have my dad...
Is my dad there?

Mm-hmm.

- Can I talk to him?
- No.

You see? It's happening.

People saying no.

Hello?

I'll give you another example.

You want to find "Bar"
in the yellow pages,

it's under "Tavern."

"Tavern"?!

I want a drink. I don't
want to meet Davy Crockett.

What year is this?

Who works at the yellow pages?

Don't they interact
with other human beings.

And find out how we talk?

What, do they sequester
them like a jury.

And feed them


"Only use
these words, please."

Dr. Katz's office.

Um...
Why'd you hang up?

I just wanted to talk to my dad.

I didn't hang up.

Listen, I'm having
a hard day today.

I'm at the hardware store.
That's hard.

This is a difficult day.

I can't...
I'm having a problem.

I need to talk to my dad.

Could I do that?

I'll give you another
"recycling."

I want to find out when I
have to get my stuff ready,

so I look in the yellow pages.

Under "Recycle centers."

You know
what it said? Nothing.

Nothing!
Not "Recycle center",

see something else.

Not a picture of me,
bent over a stump.

With a guy kicking me
in the butt.

You know, dancing around.
Nothing.

I look under "garbage."

You know what it said
under garbage? Nothing!

Nothing!

So now I've got to start
thinking like an SAT test.

"Clothing is to apparel
as garbage is to..."

I looked
under "Sanitation."

What?
You know what it said?

What?

"See rubbish."
I'm getting closer.

I just want to call information.

"Excuse me, you have
a synonym for perfume?

It's my mom's birthday,

and I can't find
a damn thing in your book!"

Hey, dad.

Hello, Ben.
I'm glad you called.

I wanted to remind you to return.

That thing you bought
at the hardware store.

The nail g*n.

Yeah, actually I'm
at the hardware store.

Oh, great.
Thank you so much...

Yeah, well, there's a...

For taking care of that.

Because, while I was annoyed,

I knew it could be
easily resolved.

Well, it was a little
too expensive, and I...

You know, maybe
I got carried away.

There's a slight problem.

Okay.
Yeah.

Well, they won't take it back.

Why won't they take it back?

He said it's messed up.
He said...

How could it be messed up?
It's in the box.

Yeah?
It is in the box.

So what is the problem?

Well, last night and this
morning and this afternoon,

I took it out of the box,

and I might have used it
just to see if it worked.

You don't remember me saying
anything about that,

do you, last night?

You said, "Don't use it."

Right. Why would you do
a thing like that?

What do you mean, use it?

Yeah.
Fun.

Look, it doesn't matter.
It's in the box,

it's in perfectly
good condition,

and there's no reason
in the world

why you can't return it,

why they can't credit
it to my card.

It's jammed.

You mean you can't get it
back into the box?

There's... I think there's
a problem with the compressor.

What do you think is wrong
with the compressor, Ben?

There's, uh...
There's some nails in it, dad,

from when I put them in.

You put them in the compressor.

Yeah.
Okay.

I also put a tack in.

This is not making me
happy at all.

And it's making me...

I feel like I'm aging right
in front of my own eyes.

It wouldn't fire the tack.

Might have jammed it.

You know dad, though...

I really feel
like I learned a lesson,

and that is: "Don't nail
your shoes to the floor."

So it doesn't have to, you know,

you don't have to be able
to hold a dictionary

for a shelf to be
a success, you know.

Yeah, I mean,
uh... it...

I think, it was...
It's a success.

We just have to find
a different purpose for it.

It's just that
they're not, you know...

St-straight.

Cock your head
like this to one side, Ben.

Yeah.
Okay.

You see what I'm saying?

- Oh, yeah.
- So...

Let's not think
of them as bookshelves.

It's more like...

Let's think of them as
a place where we leave...

For outgoing mail,
for some pamphlets...

Right, right.

Um, you know,
we just have to be careful.

That we don't put anything
fragile on there

because it's going to slide
right down to the other end.

It still feels good, dad,

you know, I mean
having done something...

I'm a little tight.

Ben, I feel...

The blood was going.
The belt's tight.

You know, it's nice
to use those muscles.

Very rarely do I get to use
the upper leg, lower back.

It's been, you know,
since college.

That I've used those muscles.

You worked on a commune,
didn't you?

Yeah, we had
a bulletin board that I put up.

But didn't you build it.

Didn't you help
build a barn? A whole...

Well, it was an a-frame.
It wasn't really barn.

You know, we lived
in an a-frame, 18 of us.

That's tough living, huh?

We grew our own fungus.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

But damn it,
it feels good, doesn't it?

Oh, man.

I know I'm going to sleep
like a baby tonight because...

You worked so hard today.

You work with your hands,
and you sweat.

I'm not going to sleep.

I know it's only been


There's something
about taking a thing.

That exists in nature,

you know, in this case,
particleboard...

Yeah.

And just molding it to suit
some kind of selfish purpose.

I do love the belt, dad.

I mean, you know, they come
in all types of earth tones.

Really?

This isn't the only one.

This is the light tan.

You're kidding.
I didn't realize that.

You know earlier, dad,

on our third or fourth break,

when I was just standing there,

and I was...
And I was sweating...

Mm-hmm.

I felt like a man, you know.

I was sort of hoping that...

Yeah.

Someone would see that,
you know.

That feeling will pass.

What? The feeling about...

The feeling like a man.

I go through that
once in a while.

Yeah, but it's just a phase?

Yeah.

You know, Marc, I think that you.

Need to focus less
on the world around you.

Oops, wait a minute,
e-mail.

What?
Yeah.

Huh?
Here we go. E-mail.

Do you have a computer, doctor?

I do.
Yeah.

I am totally dependent on one.

Really? I have not
got to that point yet.

I can't seem to make
the evolutionary step

into the screen, you know.

I mean, I got this friend,

he's constantly bothering me.

I mean, I have computer,
but I just...

I use it to write.

I don't... you know,
I use it to write.

This guy's
constantly bothering me.

"You got to get on the net, man.

You got to get on the Internet.

You got to get on the Internet.

You got to get...
Get into the future.

Get on the net,
you know."

This guy spends eight hours
a day playing, you know,

computer games
with a guy in France.

You know, and he's
always telling me like,

"You know what?
The computer's a tool."

And I'm like, "No,
it's not. It's a toy.

You're a tool. It's using
you to get to me."

You know, so finally
I just said,

"All right, let's go.
I want to get on the net.

I want to get
on a global chat board.

I want to talk to people
all over the world."

So, you know,
we boot into his computer,

we're on the screen.

I'm sitting there, I'm prepared,

I'm ready to engage,

and I'm watching the screen,
waiting for a transmission.

Here it comes.

"Do you like dogs?"

Whoops, you know
what the music means.