02x08 - Real Estate

[bunniefuu]

No, I love you more.

No, you are, I love you more.

Of course.

Don't play this game, don't.

No, you're the most fantastic
person on the planet.

You are!

Yes, you're the best.

No, you...
Okay, all right.

I will, I will, you too.

You're the best, you're better.

You're better, you're better!

All right.

Hey, do you wanna
say hi to... right.

I love you too.

Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Who were you talking to, Ben?

Um... a bill collector.

No, come on, Ben.

Obviously... was that
an old girlfriend?

That was mom.

Well, didn't she wanna
say hi to me or anything?

No.

How is she?

She's well.
Terrific.

Yeah, yeah, how are you doing?

I'm okay.
Good.

You know, it's funny.

We were talking about maybe
her blowing through town here.

Hello?

I'm sorry, you were talking
about her coming...

Well, she was actually...

She was mentioning
that she was gonna be.

Traveling through this area,
so I, of course,

I said that, when she does,

next week, she could stay here.

Well, I'm sure she can...

You mean stay here in town?

Yeah, but I sort of said,
more specifically,

she could stay here
in the house, when she comes.

Well, you know, that may not be.

The best arrangement for
everybody, because...

Well, dad, it's the
only thing I could say.

I mean, I was on, you know...

No, I know, but I think that...

You know what's good
is the holiday inn.

Right down the block,
it has a...

Yeah, dad, but
the point is that...

She could have room service
and there's a hated pool.

A what?

A heated pool.

You said "hated pool,"
"hated", not "heated".

No, you heard "hated".

I know what I said, Ben.

I said they had a heated pool.

I've stayed there.

No, that's a slip,
you made a slip.

You said "hated" because we
were talking about mom.

Say "hated pool".

Hated pool.

Say "heated pool".

Heated pool.

Well, if I said "hated pool",
it was a slip.

But it wasn't a freudian slip.

It was a jungian slip.

But she's just coming to visit,

so it's not, like, a big deal.

She'll stay for a week or two.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable.

With the idea of her staying
in my house.

Well, dad, you know
very well that mom...

What do you mean your house?

I said I'm not
sure I'm comfortable.

With her staying in our house.

Yeah, but you said "my house".

You said "hated pool" and then
you said "my house".

Ben, you hear
what you wanna hear.

What did you just say?

You are what you eat.

All right, it's a full
kitchen, two bedrooms,

living room, dinette, walk-in
closet in each bedroom,

and one full bathroom with
shower, tub, and linen closet.

Okay, um, hold on.

Dr. Katz's office.

That's right,
it's still available.

Please hold.

Ralph, sorry.

Could you hold on a second?

Laura?

Yeah?

I can't get an outside line.

What's going on?

I have a lot of people on hold.

Well, do some of them
wanna talk to me?

No, because I placed
my ad about my apartment.

Oh, right, you told
me about that.

Why would you give
your work number?

This is what I don't understand.

Because this where I am all day.

But isn't that something you
should really do on your time?

Do you see what I'm saying?

My time?

Well, 'cause now, technically,
you're working for me,

taking my calls, on my
phone lines that I pay for.

So it's your time?

Well, shouldn't you be getting
those calls at your home?

I don't want all those
people knowing my home number.

And first let me ask you this:

Would you characterize their
marriage as a good marriage?

Do you think it was
a happy marriage?

Well, they never really
would fight, my parents.

Everything was always very
under the surface.

The only way I could tell
my mother was angry at my father.

Was at meals she'd
serve him bread.

With a frozen stick of butter.

And watch him struggle.

That's subtle.

Is it a partnership,
your marriage?

I mean, does he
pitch in around the house?

Does he help out?

My husband suffers from
refrigerator blindness.

Right, right.

He can't see anything
in the refrigerator.

He'll stare in it for hours.

Right, I had that.

He won't move anything
in the refrigerator.

If he doesn't
see it, it isn't there.

He'll say, "where's
the tuna fish?"

I'll say, "it's behind the milk."

Move the milk."

He'll say, "i don't want
to move the milk."

'Cause for some
reason if he moves the milk.

And the tuna fish isn't there...

Yeah?

The milk won.

Who handles the finances
in your family?

Well, my husband
does the checkbook.

I knew nothing about money.

My parents didn't
teach me anything.

I used to sign my checks
"love, Rita".

My first credit card
bill I got was so big,

before I opened it, I actually
heard a drum roll.

That's a big bill.

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Fine, how are you?

Good.

I stopped by.

Yeah, I just came by, and...

Well, actually, I got some news
for my dad, and it's pretty big.

I mean, it's fairly big news.

I was hoping he was free,

because he's gonna wanna
hear this one.

It's a b*mb, quite frankly.

This is an expl*sive
piece of news.

I'm gonna drop it.

I'm gonna drop the b*mb on him.

Neat.

It's gonna be difficult
to tell him, you know,

because of the nature of
the news, but it...

Here, why don't you take this
pen and this piece of paper...

Well, I think
it's better heard...

And write down what you
have to say.

And I'll give it to your dad,
'cause he's busy right now,

and I don't think that...

Woops, gotta get the phone.

Darn it.

Hello, Dr. Katz's office.

Speaking.

Right, okay.

Yeah, it's a full kitchen,
two bedrooms, living room,

dinette, walk-in closets
in each bedroom.

That's right, yeah.

Oh, great.

Oh, yeah, sure,
that sounds good.

Um, can I get index cards,
because I'm...

Shh!

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that
won't be necessary.

I'm not gonna write it out.

I'm just gonna
hit the b*llet points.

I just need an index cards...

I'm sorry, Gary... could you
hold on for a second?

Could you shut up?

Do you have a highlighter?

Shut up!

My husband has
two beliefs in life:

He believes in God
and he believes

that when the
gas gauge is on empty,

he still has a quarter
of a t*nk.

He thinks the "e" stands for...
"Eh, there's still some left".

When, in fact, it
stands for empty, right?

So let me ask you something:

When you talk about friction
in your marriage.

What kinds of
things cause friction?

He doesn't understand that i
have to talk to my girlfriend.

On the phone every single day.

He'll say, "why do you have to
talk to her again today?"

"You just talked
to her yesterday.

What could you possibly
have to tell her?"

I say, "for one thing, I have to
tell her you just said that."

Do you and your husband
talk about raising the stakes,

starting a family?

We did long for the
pitter-patter of little feet,

so we decided to buy a dog...

Cheaper, and you get more feet.

My husband's never had
a dog before,

and I realized men
teach dogs different tricks.

Than women teach dogs.

My husband came home.

I said, "look, I taught
him to sit."

I came home, my husband said,

"look, if you put him on the
roof and light his tail,

he jumps into the pool."

So you think that
maybe the dog is...

He's not a child substitute.

At least, that's what
his pediatrician says.

Uh-huh, on 27 acres.

Uh-huh, good.

Attached garage, that I like.

Six bedrooms,
sunken living room.

Dining room, den, maid's
quarters, okay.

No, no, no,
money is not an issue.

Sir, the opposite.

Yup, uh-huh,
opposite of that.

Okay, opposite again.

Okay, now you're on it.

Good.

Sean, let me ask you something:

The sunken living room...
Could that be fixed, or...?

I think it's gonna work out.

I mean, I think if I find the
right place it's gonna work out.

Ben, I'm just afraid
you're going about this...

You're putting the cart
before the horse.

That what you really need,
before you need an apartment,

is you need some
kind of steady income,

something where you can say,

"this is what
i bring in every week,

this is what it's gonna
cost me to live here."

No, no.

So you can plan
the life of a young adult.

This is what you...

No.

I think that what you gotta
do is you gotta be bold.

You gotta make bold moves
and then let the chips fall.

Okay, look... I was


I couldn't stand
living at home anymore.

Here we go.

And I moved into the first
available place.

I come home
two nights later... crabs.

Really?

Yeah, I had crabs from
this mattress.

You can't get crabs
from a mattress, can you?

If there's a hooker on it.

Hey, whoa,
wait a minute, please!

Hello, chico!

So it's not just the place.

You think that people
are different there?

You know, like, your friends
in California...

They're "like" your friends.

They kinda look like people,
there's a telephone involved.

They have an automobile,

but they're not
"like" your friends.

Back in New York or Boston or
Seattle or Atlanta or Texas...

As a matter of fact, your
friends in L.A. don't show up.

When they invite you somewhere.

How do they make that work?

In New York City, if you
say to your friend,

"I'll meet you at the
movie theater at 10:00",

it's not a suggestion of
what could happen.

In the world that
they... it's an actuality.

It's like magic, boing!

You and your friend just appear
at the movie theater at 10:00,

because on the east coast
of our country,

if you're not there,
you know, you're accountable.

People are really upset.

They're all like, "Barry, what
the is going on?"

I'm standing outside the theater
for two hours of my...

[ Bleep ] My head, I'm thinking,

"what, did you die?
Do I go in, do I go out?

"Do I buy a ticket?
Do I give it to the Usher?

"Do I look for you in the back?

"Do I look for you coming
out of the subway?

"Do I beep you
or call your voice mail,

"your other eight numbers like
you're some sort of.

"Doctor drug dealer?

What the hell
is going on?"

You okay?

And on the east coast
of our country,

you give what's
called a "reason".

You make up what's called
an "explanation".

And then you move on
with your life,

so, it's no big deal.

You know, I don't like
to bleep my patients, Barry.

So you also have your problems
with the east coast?

You know, I lost my
luggage at Kennedy airport,

the most unsympathetic
place in the world.

You go to the person behind
the counter whose job it is.

To help you.

I say, you know,
"I've lost my luggage."

Typical, New York style,

the person goes,
"yeah, that's all I need now.

"You and your bags.

"What, do you want me
to pick up the airport.

"And shake it 'til your
bags fling out?

"Who am I, Kreskin?

"What am I, Yuri geller,
Shirley MacLaine in the head?

What am I, the magician
David copperballs?"

What?

"What is this, the psychic
bags balls network?

Did you know your
bags went to San Jose?"

Hey, excuse me,
no, no, excuse me.

I think you're a little
out of line.

"Hey, here's something:

"You know what your bags look
like and you can't find 'em.

I don't know what
they look like."

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

I just popped back in.

Great.

Yeah, pop in, pop out.

I like that second part.

Yeah.

Hey, how's the stuff going
with your place?

Have you found...

Yes.

You found somebody?

Good, good.

Mm-hm, yep.

That's good,
I'm still looking, myself,

for my own place.

Sure.

Yeah, my own little
private spot.

Me, oh, me.

Yeah, actually, I more stopped
by on the lines that I would...

I'm gonna make out some change
of address forms,

you know, some announcements.

That I'm gonna make that move.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so I was thinking
maybe, you know,

my father would probably be cool.

About you typing them
out for me.

No.

Well, if you have a second, or
a minute, you could type out...

Wait a second.

You're filling out
change of address cards.

And you don't know where
you're moving?

It sounds crazy when you say it.

What was it like in your house?

You're a kid.

You're 10 years old, you're
in Brooklyn, New York.

Can you sort of...

Growing up in New York City
was like...

Do you ever see
any Neil Simon plays?

Yeah.

It was just like that.

It was, like, a lot
of yelling and screaming.

It was always like, "get
out of here."

Get out of here!"

"I'm not leaving."

"You're leaving,
you're getting out!"

"Don't tell me to get out."

"People are arguing
and everybody's Jewish.

In Neil Simon's naughtiest
new hit, 'the exit.'"

"get out of here!"

"Get out!"

"Excuse me,
Mr. screaming.

"Pardon me, Mr. yelling.

"Time out,
Mr. 'I'm not deaf.'

now I am!"

That was the kind of
upbringing I had.

My dad... my dad
has expressions like,

"ooh, look how they getcha,
look how they getcha!"

We go to a steak restaurant.

You know, I think it's
a good deal.

You take mom and dad...
$14, all you can eat.

My dad's already suspicious.

"Ooh, look how they getcha,
ooh, they getcha.

"They give you the soup,
the salad, the bread...

"Don't eat the bread.

"Don't eat the breadsticks.

"By the time the steak comes,
you're too full!

"You can't eat it.

That's how
they getcha."

I go, "wait, wait... ".

Like any good New York kid,

I'd be screaming at my dad
in the restaurant.

"What do you mean that's
how they getcha, dad?

"What, they give
the steak to someone else.

"After you've had a
couple bites?

"They want you to have just
a bite or two of the steak,

"and what do they do,
take it in the kitchen,

"they solder it back together,

they sell it
on the street?"

My dad goes, "what do I look
like, the expert on steak?"

"What am I, Henry
worcestershire sauce?

"What's in my pocket...
A big cow chart.

"Let me put this up in case.

"Anyone else has
any beef questions,

"any meat inquiries.

"Barry, I don't know
where the steak goes.

"All I know is how they getcha.

That's how they getcha."

"You wanna argue
at this hour?"

He would do that.

At nighttime in New York City,

there was nowhere you could
go at "this hour."

He would always be, "oh, you're
gonna go out now, at this hour?"

"Where do you go?

"A crazy place, a sick place.

"You're gonna
make a phone call now?

"You're gonna use my phone
at this hour?

"Who do you call?

"You call crazy people,
you call sick people.

'Hello, come on over
and k*ll me.'"

so he was not a real source
of wisdom in your life?

He'd go, "don't do
anything I wouldn't do."

He wouldn't do anything.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, that limits you.

Actually, it frees you.

Well, I don't know.

If you don't do anything
that he wouldn't do.

And he wouldn't do anything,

that means you
could do everything?

Or does it mean the opposite?

I give up.

Well, you're the doctor.

Not enough air in here.

So you used to... wait a second,
you worked in real estate?

I was Mr. real estate.

When was this?

It was in the, um...
Late '70s, early '80s.

Yes, I was at the top of
my game, actually.

You know that slogan
"location, location, location"?

Yes, I've heard that.

I'm the one who coined
that, actually.

You're kidding me.

No, actually, my
first suggestion was,

"location, location,
location, location."

Why do I even ask?

You know, if you can...

I can set him straight.

Yeah.

'Cause I'm just worried
the first guy he sees...

He'll give him a deposit.

And the guy will disappear
into the back of a Van.

Why do you have
so little faith in him?

I guess from spending
time with him?

Oh.

Hi, dad.

How'd you make out?

You see anything you like?

Tough day, tough day, overall.

It's a little on the pricey
side nowadays.

Well, you know,
I'll tell you something.

It's tough even for me to make
ends meet, you know.

Yeah.

It took me years just
to get them.

To acknowledge
each other's existence.

The ends?

Yeah.

Meet.

Just a little joke, Ben.

Yeah, you ain't kidding, dad.

I'm just... I'm surprised
how difficult it is.

To find a place
in my price range.

And what... have you figured
out what that is?

Well, it started
in the late teens,

and then it dropped into
the preteens.

You're looking for
something in the preteens?

Yeah, and then, based on some of
the numbers I was hearing,

I was thinking
about maybe holding off.

'Til the market settles down.

Maybe that's the right
thing to do, you know.

Just sort of wait it out.

Yeah, it's not me.

I wanna go right ahead with it.

You understand.

But I think it's more...

Timing it right.

Yeah, you gotta.

Well, real estate is timing.

Yeah, it is.

Or is that comedy?

I think comedy is location.

Hey, you know, I've also...

I've been doing some
thinking myself, Ben,

you know, about your mother
and the visit,

and that maybe
we should let her know.

That she's really welcome
to stay here.

Really?

Yeah, I think I acted
too harshly and too quickly.

And didn't really try and see
it from your point of view.

That's nice, dad.

I mean, I appreciate
you saying that.

If you really feel that way.

No, absolutely.

Otherwise...

No, as a matter of fact,

why don't we give
her a call right now?

No, I mean, I'm not against
having mom not stay here.

I've been doing
a little thinking, too,

and I'm thinking maybe it's best
mom doesn't stay here.

Yeah, I've been doing
a little more thinking.

Uh-huh?

And what were you thinking?

Yeah, I was anticipating
your newest thoughts,

and I was thinking perhaps you
shouldn't do any more thinking.

I'm actually thinking that I'll
make the decision on this one,

and then, uh...

Ben, she's coming, and damnit,
she's gonna stay in my bed.

Okay, let's call her.

So you're more
adventurous these days?

You feel like you're starting
to experiment,

take chances you
didn't used to take?

Yes, I'm going to water ski,
someday.

Oh, great.

As soon as I can
mentally separate it

from being dragged by a boat.

That's an important step.

Well, you're obviously
in terrific shape.

Do you exercise every day?

Yes.

Do you try to
watch what you eat?

I buy anything that says
"low fat."

But they're not real specific.

They never say lower than what.

Lower than a great
big old cup of fat?

Right.

You know, I had a lot of jobs.

One of the first jobs
in entertainment I had was...

In the '70s, I used to be a
roadie for "the village people."

Indian, pick up those feathers.

There are 15 minutes to
get on the bus.

Come on, help
me out, Mr. Indian.

Construction guy, please.

What, all the musical
equipments in Florida,

and we're in New York City?

Where am I gonna get eight
tambourines by 9:00?

Boots, boots, boots, boots,
moccasins, boots, boots, boots.

All right, everyone on the bus.

Come on, let's go.

Let me ask you: Why
is it that you dress like

someone half your age?

Ouch, that's cold,
that's ice world.

I mean, is there an
age limit to this jacket?

Well, it varies from
state to state,

but let me check the label.

Again, you know, you give
me the business.

I come in here, I pay you, and
still you give me the business.

These are my clothes,
this is what I wear.

Let's say...

How's your Dr. Katz now?

Nyah!

You know what you are, Barry?

Today you're a big silly head.

"Nyah, how's
your Dr. Katz now?"

Oops, you know what
the music means.