Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop

♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop

♪ Dop ba du, oh yeah

- Mm. [chuckles]
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes, yes!

He's got nothing.
No chance!

- Yeah.
- He's got nowhere to put it.

- No, no, he's out.
- He's done, he's done.

That's what I thought.
- Hold on, hold on.

♪

- Oh, oh.

[cheering]

- Okay.
- Come on, yeah.

- Come on, Terry.
- Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

- I think he's done.

- Oh.

- No, no, no.
He's done.

[cheering]
- Yeah!

- Yeah, I'll never let you
forget this, Terry McConky!

Never!

[Foreigner's
"Hot Blooded" playing]

All right, crank up
the Foreigner.

♪

- ♪ Well I'm hot blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot blooded

- ♪ Hook

♪ Got the hook and chatter

♪ Got the hook, ugh

♪ Got the hook and chatter

♪ Got the hook
[siren blares]

- Hey, welcome to
"Hook and Chatter."

The TFD sports podcast.
Episode eight.

- This podcast is brought
to you by Alohair,

The number two
of two Hawaiian-themed

waxing salons in Tacoma.

From eyebrows to low brows,
our deals are so good

you'd be macadamia nuts
not to come by.

[bell blares]
- Ha ha!

First topic, LeBron, Kobe,
Michael Jordan.

Who's the best of all time?

- None of those guys!

It's Dirk Nowitzki,
and I'll tell you guys why.

- Wait, what?
- Nowitzki?

You're crazy, man.
What are you talking about?

- I'm trying out a new persona.

The guy with the hot takes,
the contrarian?

- You sound crazy.
- How do podcasts make money?

- Computer, the--
- Ads.

How do you get ads?
- Having content that is--

- By getting subscribers.
How do you get subscribers?

- From TV.

- Contrarianism, hot takes.

You know, thinking outrageously
outside of the box.

- Bickering creates
a fun dynamic.

- Yeah, slamming people's
good too, right?

Especially if they
don't deserve it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Hey, we should
all be hot take guys.

- That sounds great.
- Yeah!

- No, no, no.
- Ike.

- I'm just kidding, guys.
I'm being contrarian.

I'm being a hot take guy.
That's what you do, right?

- And we're back.
[horn blares]

- Nowitzki?
Are you crazy?

He's only got
one championship.

- It doesn't matter.

I believe he's the best,
and here is why.

First of all, he's German.

How do you get better
than Germans?

[mellow rock music]

- Are we really
buying a boat together?

- Yeah, you know it.

Look at this baby, huh?

- Mm, I've always wanted
a boat.

- I came up
with a great name for it.

The Hook, Line and Sphincter.

- Why is it always
dirty with you?

- What are you talking about?
The name is hysterical.

- Why don't we try something
like, uh, like Laurels

'cause that's what
we're resting on.

Our laurels.
The Laurel.

- Come on, Terry,
live a little.

Boat names are supposed
to be naughty puns, okay?

I got another one,
The Glory Hull.

- Ugh.
- Huh? Hmm?

- Gross.
- You don't know.

- How about
The Terry Cruise?

- You wanna name your boat
after an actor?

- What actor?
- Terry Crews.

- [sighs]
It's Tom Cruise, sweetie.

And it's a pun.
Terry cruise.

- Never mind.
- Ugh, you're so dumb.

- I think it should
be a fun pun.

Yacht-Sea.

Do you get it?
Yacht-Sea.

- Yeah. Yeah, no, we got it.
S-E-A, right.

- Um, Vicky.
- Yes.

- Eddie and I
are buying the boat.

- Mm-hmm.
- So that means Eddie and I

are gonna name the boat.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it your name on
the bank account or our name?

Because if we're both
going to buy the boat,

we both can name it, okay?

- Owned.
[laughs]

- All right, let's just
come up with a name

we can all agree on.

- I got another one.
Two firefighters on the ocean.

Let's call the boat Hot Sem--

[horn blares]
- Next up,

tonight's MMA heavyweight
title fight

just so happens to be
at our very own Tacoma Dome!

- Bah!

Champion Stipe Miocic
versus challenger

Bobby Ferapolis.

Stipe is considered
the greatest

heavyweight of our time.

How do you like his chances?

- I give him no chance.

I think he's gonna get KO'd
in round three.

I mean, he's clearly
lost his step,

and his footwork is a mess.
[cartoony sound effects]

- I'm gonna go one step
further here, fellas.

I say he gets knocked out
in round two.

- Oh!
[horn honks, crash]

- Guys, Stipe
is so predictable.

All he does is leg kick,
leg kick, leg kick, leg kick.

Maybe after he gets
knocked out,

he can get a job
with the Rockettes.

both: Oh!
[rimshot]

- I'll do you one better
and say

he gets knocked out
in round one

'cause he's over the hill.

- I bet I could
beat him up too.

- I heard he's
a terrible father.

[sad trombone music]
- Yeah.

- Eddie, I don't wanna have to
register as a sexual predator

because of the name
of the boat.

- All your name ideas blow.

Fishy Business?
Come on, dude.

- How about we call it
Shrimp My Ride,

'cause you're such a shrimp?
- [snorts]

- I'd actually be okay
with that

because it would be a constant
reminder of the time

I crushed you in that shrimp
cocktail eating contest.

- What? You never beat me
eating anything.

- I did beat you, Terry,
right here in this very spot.

And I remember 'cause
it was the same day

you went on your first date
with Vicky.

- Oh, right.
- I don't think I've ever heard

the full story
about your first date.

- Sure you have.
Eddie set us up as a prank.

- No, I know that part,

but I've just heard
like bits and pieces.

- Well, Eddie thought we didn't
have anything in common,

but as usual,
Eddie was wrong.

He also forgot we almost went
on a few dates in high school.

- Ehh, I'm not so sure
about that, honey.

- No, I'm sure we did.
- Uh, no. Nope.

That didn't really happen.
- I'm positive.

- Oh, my God.
Your memory sucks, dude.

- I wanna hear the full story.
Come on.

- Okay. Okay.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

It was before Jimmy Bleeder
opened Bleeder's Steakhouse.

He had another restaurant
called Pounders

where you order food
by the pound.

- Ugh.
- It was pretty good.

Well, that night
I got there early,

and I was looking
pretty sharp,

but I had some
major butterflies.

So I ordered a pound of onion
rings to settle my stomach.

And that's when I saw Vicky,

and she looked incredible.

- Of course,
she looked incredible.

She's a Penisi.

- It took her a while
to see me.

But when she did,
the sparks flew.

And I gotta tell you,
I made all the right moves.

I was suave.

I was charming.

I was sophisticated.

Everything was perfect,
including the cuisine.

[chuckles]

We had a great time,
except for the butterflies.

They got the best of me.

She ended up
taking care of me,

and that's when I knew
she was the one.

We went on six dates
in three weeks.

And the rest is history.

- That doesn't sound
like a prank at all.

Sounds like Uncle Eddie
k*lled it.

- Yeah, well, I'm glad you
believe in fairytales, Lucy,

but that's not
how it went down.

Let me tell you
what really happened.

- That was the best
podcast so far.

I bet you we double
our subscribers after this.

- Cha-chingo!

- It is out in the world.

- That fast?
- Oh, baby.

- Oh.
- Hi. I'm Rosa Roberts.

I work with Stipe Miocic,
the UFC fighter.

[laughter]

- Yeah, and I am the monster
from "Stranger Things," hi.

- And I'm the Masked Singer.

- Yeah, and I am
the professor--

Hall of famer Willie Mays.

- How can we help you?
- I handle PR for Stipe.

You may not know this,
but when he's not throwing down

in the ring,
he's a firefighter.

And when he travels, he likes
to visit local fire stations.

He's outside in the car.

[laughter]
- Okay.

- Okay, who put you up to this?
Was it Jiménez?

- Classic Jiménez.
- Yeah, I'm sure he's still

mad at us
about those m*rder hornets.

[laughter]

- Hey-yo!
- Holy shit.

- What's up Station 24?

- Stipe.

- Granny.
- Stipe.

- Kaponko Myawani.
You can call me Andy.

- Stipe.
- Stipe.

- Ha, that's cute.
And you are Stipe too?

- Yeah--no.
Well--

- Anyway, you guys--
beautiful station.

- Stipe, look,
they have a podcast.

"Hook and Chatter."
I love it.

We've got approximately


if you want Stipe
to do a drop.

- Nah.
- That's not necessary.

- Ugh. I love podcasts.
I have my own.

It's called
"Stipe or Not Stipe."

Kinda like Shakespeare.
[forced laughter]

So what do you guys
talk about?

- Nothing.
- Sports.

- Ah! Sports!

Dude, let's do it.
I'm an athlete. Perfect.

- No, don't worry about it.

- Yeah, you don't wanna
waste your time.

- Stipe has millions
of followers.

It'll boost
your podcast instantly.

- Still, no thanks.

- Do you not know
how podcasts make money?

- Is it from subscribers
and subscribers

or is it because
of contrarianism?

- Seriously,
I would love to do it.

- Let's take some pics,

record the podcast,
and get going.

- Awesome.
- Okay, cool.

- We gotta delete the podcast.
- I know.

- Lucy, the Penisis
are legendary pranksters.

Vicky and I have been
going head to head

since we were kids.

- You remember that time
I made you believe

you were gonna be
on the "Wheel of Fortune?

[laughter]

- I was 12.

- Oh, what an idiot.

- But anyway,
with this prank,

I came up with the prank
to end all pranks.

I was gonna set Vicky up with
the biggest buffoon I knew,

Terrence Leslie McConky.

And he was perfect.

I told him I wanted
to hook him up with my sister,

and he was so excited.

So excited he even touched
my hair, which is a no-no.

And that's when part two
of my plan came into play.

So the day of a date,
I challenged Terry

to a shrimp
cocktail-eating contest

knowing that a gut full
of shrimp would make him

even more unappealing
than he already was.

- No, hold on.
That did not happen.

- Oh, yes, it did.

- So Vicky got
to the restaurant,

and she was looking around
for the guy

she thought
I was setting her up with.

And when she saw Terry,
she looked like she ate a bug.

- Hold on.

How do you know
how she looked?

- I was there.
- Bullshit.

- I was.

And I was looking real good,

with the clothes,
the mustache,

the drink, the hair,
but none of that mattered,

'cause once that
shrimp cocktail kicked in,

all hell broke loose.

[screaming]

- I did not puke.

- Yes, you did.
Vicky, back me up.

- Yeah, you puked.
- Ba-boom!

- All right,
maybe I got a little bit sick,

but Eddie was not there

and I did not lose
a shrimp-eating contest.

- I don't understand.

Why would you do that
to your friend?

- We weren't friends.

- What did you say?

- We weren't friends.

- [gasps]

- And this is
our briefing room.

- Looks just like
my briefing room.

This is where your chief
stands and says,

"Do I make myself clear?"

- That's it.
- I love it. Exactly.

- That's exactly
how he does it every time.

- Should we follow you,
Granny?

- No, I'm just going
to the bathroom.

- Perfect, it's a good time
for Stipe to go too.

- Ooh, good idea.

- Then we'll do the podcast
and get going.

- To the bathroom.
Hey, when we leave...

- You guys gotta delete this.

- But I don't know
how to do that.

- I don't know how
to do it either.

- Yo, Granny, come on,
nature calls.

Whoo-yeah!
[laughter]

- Went to our first Mariners
game together in seventh grade.

- It was a school field trip.
There were like 200 kids there.

- You were the best man
at my wedding.

- Family obligation.
Vicky kinda made me.

- Oh, come on Uncle Eddie.

I've heard plenty of stories
of you guys,

and they all sound like
the premise of a buddy film.

- Name one.
- "Bad Boys,"

"Beverly Hills Cop,"
"Lethal w*apon."

- You're not dumb, are you?
You're joking, right?

- He saved your life.
- And I lost a nut doing it.

- Yes, and while I feel
your pain there,

that still didn't
make us friends.

- Okay, fine. We're not buying
a boat together.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Hey, just got to clear
some space for memory.

- Better, man.
I could talk all day.

- Yeah, Stipe uses up
mad gigabytes.

- Friends call me "Mr. Gigs."
- Oh.

- For all the mad gigabytes
I use.

[computer chimes]
- There it is.

What needed to be deleted
is deleted.

- So you cleared up the memory?
- I did.

- All the memories
have been deleted.

- We are good.
- Yeah.

- Wow, man, you guys are
serious about your drive space.

- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this!

[all vocalizing]

All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to another episode
of the "Hook and Chatter."

- Brought to you by Alohair.

- Tonight, we have a very
special guest for you.

You may know him
as a UFC heavyweight champion,

but we know him
as a firefighter.

- And I know you guys
as my brothers.

- Thanks, man.
- Man.

- Give it up for Stipe Miocic.

- Hey now!
[crowd cheers]

- So Stipe, you are in Tacoma
for your big fight tonight.

Are you ready for it?
- So ready.

- I just wanna jump in here
and say

I think you're a great dad.

I mean, some people
might say otherwise,

I don't know
why they would do that.

I would never personally
say something like that.

But just so we're
clear on that.

You ready for the fight?

- Hell, yeah, I am.
Hey, listen,

I'm hanging with
my new best friends.

- Oh, hey!
[crowd cheers, horn blares]

He's talking about us.
- Hey.

[laughter]

- You are unreal, man!
- Oh, gosh.

- All right, guys, hey,
I gonna get going,

but I wanna hear
your predictions for tonight.

- Oh, well,
you're definitely gonna win.

KO in the third round.

- I'll go one step further

and say you'll put him to sleep
in round two, champ.

- Excuse me.
Hot take, round one.

- I love it. I love it.
- Thank you, Stipe.

Good luck tonight on the fight,
and thank you out there

for listening to another
episode of "Hook and Chatter."

[siren blares, bell rings]
- Thanks so much.

- Ah, man, you were great.
- That was so fun.

Hey, brothers, I'd go into
a fire with you anytime.

- Come here, man.
- Buddy.

- Oh, man.
- Man! Ah!

- Granny, Andy, Little Stipe,

parting is such sweet sorrow.

[grunts]
- Ah.

[gentle music]

- All right.
- Yeah.

- Cool.

- I love you guys.

- Hey, go get him, champ!

- For a guy who punches people
in the face for a living,

he's a really,
really nice guy.

- Right? Nice.
- I know.

I feel so guilty for everything
we said about him.

- Right.

- Stipe taught me
something today,

and now I'm a better person.

- He has that effect
on all of us.

Son of a bitch.

- Come here.
[sobbing]

- I love you guys.
- I love you guys.

I was really scared.
[all sobbing]

I was really nervous.
[all sobbing]

- Okay, you're not
Lucy's godfather anymore.

- Oh, really?
- And you're not her uncle.

- Hold on.

- Well, Terry, you can't
really declare that.

- I can and I did.
- Okay. Knock it off.

- But he said
we're not friends.

- He's just trying
to push your buttons.

Now, both of you have a seat,
and I am going to tell

the story
of what really happened.

- We should take the rest
of the shift off

and actually go to the fight.

And hang out
with him afterwards.

- Dude's been training
for months.

He's probably ready to party.

- Hey, we should offer to pay
the change fee for his flight

and take him out
to the engine house

for like beer wings
and shuffleboard and stuff.

- A whole night on the town.
- Yeah, he'd probably love it.

- It's Stipe.
- No way.

- Ha-ha, dude!
- Hey man,

you're on speakerphone.
How are you doing?

- What's up, man?
We're all here, my brother.

- I just wanna let you know
that Rosa downloaded

your last podcast for me
while we were taking pictures.

My left is slow?

- What?
- My footwork sucks?

I should join the Rockettes?

- No, no, no, no.
- I'm a terrible father?

- That was a hot take.
- I've got a hot take.

You're f*cking dead!

I'm coming back
to kick your asses!

- Put it away.
Put it away.

- I told you a podcast
was a bad idea.

- Just wait,
I can't think straight.

Is that a hot take?

- I should have
seen it coming.

Eddie said he set me up

with the hottest probie at 24,
Dak Blunt.

- Did I say hottest?
I meant sweatiest.

- You thought
Dak Blunt was hot?

- But I did marry him.
Settle down.

I wasn't a fan of Pounders,
but I went,

and when I walked in,

the first thing I saw
was Eddie's friend.

- He wasn't my friend.
- Okay, yeah, we get it.

Anyway, the guy was finishing
off a pound of onion rings,

and ehh, I didn't wanna
make it weird,

so I avoided eye contact
while I looked for my date.

But then I saw Eddie.
He was behind a plant.

And you had
that stupid mullet.

- If by mullet you mean
my sweet ass pompadour,

then yeah,
it was a mullet.

- And I realized
I'd been duped.

- Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap!
- So sorry to interrupt--

- Can we have the rest
of the day off?

Just the rest of the day off?
- Hey, you know better.

You're in the middle of
a shift, go roll some hoses.

- Ah!
This way, this way.

- Anyway...

I knew that Eddie thought
he had pulled off

this epic prank.

So decided to enjoy myself.

- [mouthing words]

- And then your father puked.

- You didn't enjoy
our first date?

- No, Terry, you puked up

like a hundred shrimp
and a pound of onion rings.

- How could you even
eat onion rings

after you
ate all that shrimp?

- What do you eat
to settle your stomach?

- I don't.

- How do you not remember
the shrimp-eating contest?

- Oh, you know what?
I do you remember it now.

I won.
[chuckles]

- [grumbles]
- I also realized

that the only way
to get back at Eddie

was to go on a second date,
and a third, fourth,

fifth, sixth, whatever it took
to ruin the prank.

- Hold on.
How far did this go?

Was I born as a result of you
trying to ruin Eddie's prank?

- No, I ended up enjoying
myself on the second date.

And after the third date,
it wasn't about Eddie anymore.

I was looking forward to
spending time with your father.

I thought he was
sweet and funny.

- So would you say it was

a love-after-the-third-date
kind of thing?

- I thought it was love
after the sixth date.

- Wait, was that
the first night we--

[chuckles]
- Oh, God.

- Stop it.
- Yes. Yes, it was.

That was the night
I found out

what a phenomenal
and generous lover Terry was.

- Oh, Mom, so gross.
- Disgusting.

- Guess what.

He still is.

- Oh. Oh, God.
- Ugh.

- Hm.
- [chuckles]

[both vocalizing]

[gentle music]

- Do you think the three
of us could take him together?

- There's only one way
to find out,

but I don't wanna find out.

- Should one of us look
to see if he's here?

- No way.
- "Rock Paper Scissors."

- Okay, okay, okay.

- One, two, three, sh**t.

- Hey boys.
[both screaming]

- Oh, God!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Dude, it's all just one
big misunderstanding, okay?

- You broke my heart!

- We didn't mean any of it.
We were just being contrarian.

- It's time for night-night!
[all screaming]

- Seems like the joke is really
on you, Uncle Eddie.

You set them up
and all these years later,

they're still in love.

- Yeah, you're welcome.
You wouldn't exist without me.

- I think it's safe to say
Eddie's prank backfired on him.

- Still better than anything
you ever pulled.

- Is that what you think?
- Yeah.

- Luce, Let me tell you
about another one.

A few years later,
I had a Swedish hairstylist.

She was great at hair,
but she was a horrible person.

She was here on a work visa,
and she wanted to trap a man

and marry him,
so she could get a green card.

- You didn't.
- I did.

I knew you couldn't pass up
on a tall, blonde,

beautiful Swedish woman.

So I set you up.
And then what happened?

- I married her.
- You married her.

- Aunt Ulsa?

She's the reason
I love lutefisk.

- Me too.

- And after she got
the green card,

what happened?

- She divorced me
and took half my money.

- [laughs]

- She was a great hairdresser.

And that was a great prank.

[laughs]
Oh, my God.

- Holy shit.

- Oh, oh, oh, and while
you two were bickering

over whether or not you were
friends, I bought the boat.

With my money.

You're welcome to join
me on the Yeah Buoy

anytime you want.

- Oh, no, you didn't.

[laughs]

- It's a good name.
- Not the hair.

- B-U-O-Y.

- Love you, Mom.

- Bye, babe.
- Wow.

But still,
the burning question remains.

Who can really eat
the most shrimp?

- Mm.

Ahh.

[chuckles]

- Oh, you don't look
so good, Terry.

- I feel great.
- You gonna quit?

'Cause I'm not.
- I like my shrimp extra veiny.

- So do I.

That's where
the taste comes from, bitch.

- Stipe Miocic is pounding
Bobby Ferapolis

with his left hook.

You can tell he got
some extra practice--

- Are you guys ever gonna
tell me what happened?

- [groans]

I told you, Luce,
he beat us up.

- You're sticking
with the story

that the UFC heavyweight
champion came here

and kicked your ass?

- Yeah.
- If you say so.

- He's got a fire
in his eyes.

- Man, he's got
shitty footwork.

- Don't say that.
- Mm.

They keep getting better.

You okay?
Do you wanna stop?

- [groans softly]

- Oh.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yes!

Yes!
[chuckles]

I will never let you forget
this, Terry McConky.

Never!
Ha-ha!

[relaxing music]

♪

- Go.
- I'm going.

- It's your turn.
- I know whose turn it is.

I'm concentrating.

- Does your fly help you
concentrate?

- Yeah, it does.
Getting air to the other brain.

- [grumbling]

- [wails]
- [growls]

- [laughs]
- Ah!

- That reminds me of when I
beat you in the shrimp cocktail

eating contest twice.

- You never beat me
eating anything.

- Damnit, Terry!
Yes, I did.

[relaxing music]

♪

- Two.

- [grunting softly]

- Would you like me to cut
your shrimp into smaller pieces

so it'll be easier to chew?

- No!
- Ah-ah.

- Okay.

- Oh, watch the hair! -

I need a nap.

- You give up?

- I give up.
- [laughs] Again.

- I'm gonna go watch
"Judge Jenny Jr."

- Oh, I'm coming with.
I'm coming with.

Whoa. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Oh, my sciatica!