01x05 - Dad b*at Dad

[bunniefuu]

[opening credit music]

[gentle music]

[Vaggie yawns]

Oh. Charlie?

Don't understand why it's not
working. Think Charlie, think.

Think, think, think,
think, think, think.

[mutters]

...Trust falls, every single
morning, we could do...[gasps]

[Angel] Yikes.

- [Vaggie] Charlie?...Sweetie,
- C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, Charlie!

You, uh. You good?

Nope, no! Not really! Haha!

I've been up all night trying to
figure out why the hotel isn't working.

We've done trust falls. We've
tried sharing our feelings.

We only have a couple months
left before the angels come.

[Manic laughter]

- And at this rate...
- [Vaggie] Maybe it's time...

- No.
- to ask...

Don't say it.

your dad.

[Charlie groans]

Charlie, I know you don't want to,
but we need every advantage we can get.

He let the extermination
happen to begin with.

They just had a meeting and
said, "Go ahead and k*ll everyone!"

[gasps]

Wait. That's it.

- [Vaggie] k*ll everyone?
- No.

He could get me a meeting
with Heaven.

Didn't we already try that?

Well, yeah, with Adam,
he was an assh*le.

But he isn't in charge
of all of Heaven.

We could go to the top!

There's sure to be
some angels who will listen.

[Husk] What's the holdup?

You got daddy issues?

No, we just have
never been close.

After he and Mom split, he never
really wanted to see me.

He calls... sometimes, but only if he's
bored or like, needs me to do something.

Daddy issues.

Well, I'd like to meet
the big d*ck in charge.

The ultimate bad boy.
[giggles like a gremlin]

I bet he's scary.

[Lucifer] That's it.

[suspenseful music]
Almost there!

Now presenting...

the magic-tastical
backflipping rubber duck!

Ha ha!

That spits fire!

[laughs]
[jovial music]

Hold the applause!
Please, okay.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh God, who am I kidding, this sucks!

[duck squeaks]

[phone rings]

Daughter? Daughter calling,
daughter, daughter calling! Oh! Um-Uh.

Hello, Charlie.

H-Hey, heyyy,
CharChar...

No! No, that's not good.

Oh, this is the first time
she's called you in years.

This has to be perfect.

Hey, bitch!

Hi, Dad.

Hey! How are you?
[chuckles]

Wh-wh-where are you these days?

You know where I am, Dad.
I've told you before.

You have?
Oh yeah, uh?

Well, you know I um, uh...

I told you when you
called me five months ago.

Or did you not listen?

No, no, no, no. Just, you know,
just forgot, I've just been really busy!

Ya know with um...
important things.

Well, I'm actually running a
hotel to rehabilitate sinners.

Maybe you saw our commercial.

Oh... sadly I missed it.

Heheh, you know I haven't been
watching much TV lately.

Scrambles the brain.

[laughs]

But, hey, a hotel! Fun!

[sighs] Listen, Dad,
I've got... kind of a big ask.

[coughs]
Yeah, of course.

Anything in my power
is yours for the asking.

You just name it.

I need to speak to Heaven.

Well, whoever's in charge up
there, above Adam, above anybody.

I need to go to the top.

Oh no!

Nooooo,

[Lucifer] no, no,
no, no, Charlie

no, no, no, that's, uh...
No.

[frustrated] Look, Dad.
I don't ask you for much.

I never have, but this,
this is really important to me.

It's the most important thing
I've ever done.

And... I need you.

[Charlie] I need your help.

[stammers]
I don't know, Charlie.

Please, just come
see what I'm trying to do.

You'll see why it's
a really good idea.

And Heaven is bound to agree
if I get the chance to talk to them.

Please, Dad.

Wait. You're inviting me over?

Absolutely!

Hoh! I'll be there in an hour!
[phone beeps]

[singing] My daughter wants to
see me! Take that depression!

Well, we have an hour
until he gets here.

[Vaggie] Okay, people, Lucifer
is on his way.

So we are going to
get this place presentable,

and we are all going to make
an amazing impression!

Vamonos!

[light music]

[breathes deeply]

[Charlie]
Okay everyone,

it's showtime!

- [Lucifer] Chaaaarlie!!
- Hey, Da-

Oh, it's so good
to see you. Haha!

It's good to see you, too, Dad.

[gasps]

[clears throat]
Welcome! To the Hazbin Hotel!

Oh, hewwo, Keekee!

Razzle, Dazzle!

Oh, look how much
you haven't grown!

Still fun sized.

You taking care of
my little girl?

[ominously] You better be...
[laugh]

Wow, this place sure looks,
uh...

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

It's got a lot of character.

Oh, what in the
unholy Hell is that?!

[Alastor] Just some of the
renovations we had done.

Adds a bit of color,
don't you think?

[Lucifer]
And you are?

Alastor!
Pleasure to be meeting you, sir.

Quite a pleasure!

It's nice to finally
put a face to the name.

You are much shorter
in real life.

Who is this? Who's this now?

Are you the bellhop?

Haha! No!
I am the host of the hotel.

You might have heard
of me from my radio broadcast.

Hmm. Nope! I guess that's why
Charlie called it the 'Hazbin' Hotel! Hahaha.

Ha ha ha! It was
actually my idea.

Ha ha ha! Well, it's
not very clever!

Ha ha, f*ck you.

Okay! Okay. Anyway.

Dad, look at this lovely parlor,
where people can get to know each other

and share secrets and stories
and intimate feelings!

Without Alastor,

we wouldn't have been
able to pretty it up this much!

[Alastor] Charlie
has a very unique vision.

I am happy to fulfill her
bizarre requests.

Oh, thank you, Alastor.

[Lucifer growls]

Quite an impressive young lady.

We're all very proud of her.

[Lucifer clears throat]
Charlie, dear,

why don't you introduce me
to your other friends?

Oh, yes, of course.

This is Vaggie.

She's my girlfriend!

Oh ho my golly! You like girls?

So do I, we have so
much in common!

Put er' there, Maggie!

She's so pretty.

[Vaggie]
Uh, lovely to meet you, uh, sir!

And this is Sir Pentious and
Angel Dust, our guests!

Your Majesty!

[Sleazily]
Heya, short king.

Husk is our bartender, and
Niffty is our housekeeper!

Nice to meet you.

Hello.

I clean. Hehehehe.

[crash]

[coughs]

Ha ha ha, alright then.

[Upbeat music]
Ha ha.

♪ Looks like you could use some
help from the big boss of Hell himself ♪

♪ Check out Daddy's
glowing reviews on Yelp ♪

♪ 'Five Stars' 'Flawless!'
'Greater than great!' ♪

♪ Oh, with a punch
of a pentagram ♪

♪ I wap bap boom alakazam ♪

♪ Usually, I charge a
sacrificial lamb ♪

♪ But you get the
family rate! ♪

♪ Thanks, Dad ♪

♪ Who needs a busboy
now that you've got the chef ♪

♪ Woh-oh-oh! ♪

♪ Michelin tasting menu
free a la carte ♪

♪ I'll rig the game for you
because I'm the ref ♪

♪ Champagne fountains,
caviar mountains, that's just a start! ♪

♪ Who's been here
since day one? ♪

♪ Who's been faithful
as a nun? ♪

♪ Makes you chuckle
with an old-timey pun ♪

♪ Your executive producer ♪

♪ That's true! ♪

♪ I'm your guy, your
day-to-day ♪

♪ Your chum, your steadfast
hotelier ♪

♪ Remember when I fixed
that clog today? ♪

♪ I was stuck, thank
you, sir! ♪

♪ Oh you! ♪

♪ I'm truly honored that
we've built such a bond ♪

♪ Aawww ♪

♪ You're like the child
that I wish that I had ♪

Uh, what?

♪ I care for you just
like a daughter I spawned ♪

Hold on now!

♪ It's a little funny,
you could almost call me ♪

♪ Dad ♪

[Lucifer plays violin]

[Alastor plays piano]

[Lucifer plays accordion]

♪ They say when you're
looking for assistance ♪

♪ It's smart to pick
the path of least resistance ♪

♪ Others say that in
your needy hour ♪

♪ There's no substitute
for pure angelic power! ♪

♪ Who just happens to
also be your blood ♪

♪ Sadly there are times
a birth parent is a dud ♪

♪ They say the family
you choose is better ♪

♪ What a bunch of losers! ♪

♪ Can you butt out
of my song? ♪

- ♪ Your song? I started this ♪
- ♪ I'm singing it, I'll finish it! ♪

♪ Oh you tacky piece of... ♪

♪ It's me! Yes, it's me!! ♪

♪ I know you were all
waiting for me ♪

♪ I'm here ♪

♪ What a gas ♪

♪ Took a while but I'm
present at last! ♪

♪ It's me ♪

♪ Mimzzzyyyyyyy ♪

[Lucifer] Who?

Didn't you just hear me?

Why is everybody gawkin'?

Is it, cuz I'm adorable?

Mimzy!

Alastooorr, sweetie, doll-face!

So good to see you.

How you been?
Good? Good.

[squeeze]

Listen, I was in
the neighborhood.

I heard you were staying
at this ritzy slob factory,

and I figured
I'd stop by, say hi!

For old times sake.

Of course, sweetheart!

Everyone is welcome here.

[Charlie] Oh, how nice!

So you two know each other?

Oh, yeah. We go way back,

ran in the same circles
when we were alive.

You know, this one used to
frequent the club where I used to perform.

He's the only one I knew
who could pound whiskey like a sailor

then keep up with me
on the dance floor.

Oh, quite a talent, this gal.

Ho, ho, you should have
seen her in her heyday.

Hey, watch it tall,
dark and creepy.

I'm still in my prime!

Oh, oh my stars!

[gasps]
Is that Lucifer?

Move it!

Pleased to meetcha,
Your Highness.

Alastor, you gotta warn a girl
when she's in mixed company.

Charmed, I'm sure.

As much as I'd love to catch up,
Charlie and I have a tour to continue.

I'm sure Charlie can handle
showing me around.

[Alastor] Nonsense!

We started the hotel together,
and we'll show it off together.

Right, Charlie?

Oh, right.

Why don't you let the
others help you settle in,

and I'll be back before
you know it.

So, where can a girl
get a drink around here?

[grunts]

My, my, is that Husker?

Alastor still has you
slinging hooch for him, I see.

[chuckles]
Classic!

How ya been, fur-ball?

Good until five minutes ago.

Oh, don't tell me
you're not happy to see me.

You might hurt my feelins.
[giggles]

Hey Niffty,
whatcha' been up to, girlie?

Fighting bugs.

[scuttling] And uh,
how's that going for you?

They're winning.

But not for long.

Uh-huh... Thanks, p*ssy cat!

[Husk]
Oh, f*ck you.

So uh, you and Alastor
are like what?

Friends?

Well, that's your
word, not mine,

but I think it fits.

Why so surprised?

Well, just didn't know
he had any of those.

He's been here a while and
is still a big, creepy mystery.

What's his deal?

Well, you probably
heard the stories.

[Mimzy] He appeared
in Hell suddenly,

making a splash quicker
than anyone had ever seen.

At first, people wanted
to dismiss him,

but soon overlords
started goin' missing,

and not small ones neither.
[evil laughing]

We're talking heavy hitters.

No one knew what
happened to 'em

until these strange radio
broadcasts started going out.

[ominous music]
All you could hear was screams.

Every time an overlord
went missing,

there'd be a new voice
screaming in the broadcast.

That's when Alastor revealed
himself as the Radio Demon,

and anyone that would mess
with him... [laughs]

Well, let's just say

his broadcasts never
lacked new voices.

That's the story
most people know,

but underneath it all...

He's a total sweetie.

Put on some jazz and
pour a couple fingers of rye,

and he becomes a kitten!

Stop with the looks.

He hasn't done any
of that in a while.

Can I get another one of these?

Oh, what the f*ck!

So, once we have the proof
that redemption is possible,

this whole hotel will be full of
demons wanting to check out into Heaven.

We just need
a little more time to prove it.

The sharing circles haven't been
working as fast as I hoped,

[Husk] Ey, Boss? Can
I have a word.

[Charlie] but I'm thinking
that with a little bit more rethinking

we can really get it going.

What is it?

You and I both know Mimzy only
shows up when she needs somethin'.

That bitch is trouble,
and who knows what kinda demon

she f*cked with to
come running to you this time?

It's nothing I can't handle.
Don't worry Husker.

Who in their right
mind would cross me?

I mean... you've been gone
a while and it's not like anybody knows why.

They don't need to know.

And don't you worry
your fuzzy head about it.

[growls] You may own my soul,
but I ain't your f*cking pet!

Hmhm! But you are! Haha!

Big talk for someone
who's also on a leash.

[Alastor]
Aha, what did you say?

[chain clanks]
Oh, f*ck! Nothing I, um...

[chokes]

[Alastor]
If you ever say that again,

[intense music]
I will tear your soul apart

and broadcast your screams

for every other disrespectful
wretch

who dares to question me.

- Understood.
- Lovely.

[chuckles]
Good talk, my good man!

Always nice to catch up.

[Vaggie] And we've
almost been able to find

all of Angel's drug stashes...

Almost.

So once that's out of the way it
should be much smoother sailing.

Well, that certainly is,
uh... is-is something.

So... What do you think?

- About what?
- The hotel.

Oh yes, it does... it does look
much better now, doesn't it?

[chuckles]

Ya know, but I'm thinking this
railing needs work,

one good push and you'd just
go right over the edge.

Whoopie, bye-bye.
[laugh]

What? No, no, the plan, Dad!

What do you think about
using the hotel to help sinners?

Ahh.

Alright,
I mean, look...

I love that you want
to see the best in people,

but these sinners... You know,
they're just the worst.

I, I don't know how much you can
realistically expect from them in Heaven.

Hohooo boy, Heaven is not
exactly as carefree as you might think.

Yeah, they have rules.

Lots of rules.

And they aren't very open
minded as you'd hope.

These are our people Dad,
I... I have to try.

Our "people", Charlie,
are awful!

They got gifted free will
and look what they did with it!

Everything's terrible!

[wheeze]

I just don't want you to put
yourself on the line for people like...

[loud thud]
Geez! What now?!

[Lucifer]
Well, like that!

[Loan Shark] Mimzy, we know
you're in there you lousy bitch!

Oh, sh*t.

- [Vaggie] Que carajo?!
- [Charlie] What's going on?

I maaaaaaay be in
trouble with some loan shark's

I may or may not have
borrowed fifty grand from... eep!

[Loan Shark] You
better come out.

And I may have also
stolen a car...

and crashed it... into
the loan shark's girlfriend.

But that bitch had it coming!

- [Vaggie screams]
- [Niffty] My windows!

[Sit Pentious] Ah! We're under
seige! Ah! Take cover!

[dramatic music] [Vaggie]
Look out! What the f*ck?!

[panicked shouting]

Ya see, this is exaaactly what
I'm talking about Charlie.

You build something nice,

you invite people in and
offer them everything

and they just bring v*olence
and chaos to your doorstep.

It doesn't matter how
well intentioned you are,

they're always going
to disappoint you.

[Sir Pentious] Niffty, come
along! [rubble crashes]

[Vaggie]
All of you, get a safe distance.

I'll take care of this.

[Alastor]
No, my dear, leave it to me.

It's time I remind everyone
why I am here.

[Mimzy] Oh, finally.
Took ya long enough!

[Alastor]
A reminder to all,

not to mess with
the Radio Demon.

[evil laugh]

[Loan Shark screams]

[Mimzy] Yeah!

[intense music] I will devour
each and every one of you!

[Lucifer] Mhm, ya see?
What I tell ya?

Charlie, sinners are violent
psychopaths,

hell bent on causing as much
pain and destruction as they can.

There's really no
point in trying.

Dad, stop! He's defending
this hotel.

[Charlie] It may be a bit
more sadistic than I'd hoped.

But he's doing it for me!

How come he can have faith in
me, but my own father can't?

[Angel]
Ooh, drama.

[Alastor] Oh, I missed
getting to let off steam.

Oh, Alastor! What
a fantastic show.

Bravo, as always.

Thanks for helpin' lil' old me outta
a tough spot, you're always such a pal.

[crash]

Oops.

Heheheh, sorry about the mess,

but I'm sure the lil' bug
can take care of it for ya.

I think you should go Mimzy.
Now.

Oh pff, Alastor,
you're such a kidder you!

Haha, you are so funny...

I mean it.

You deliberately brought
danger to this place

just to have me clean
up your mess.

I can't have that here.

But you love takin' care a' me!
What?

You don't actually give a sh*t
about this tacky place, do ya?

Come on.
I know you.

You heartless son of a bitch.

You are welcome if you actually
want to give redemption a sh*t.

But I think we both know
that's not really your style.

So you need to leave.

[splutters] Fine! Who needs ya?

Have fun with ya lil'
princess and ya lil' hotel.

See if I care.

[Angel/Husk] [eating popcorn]

[Angel]
This is really getting good.

[Charlie]
Dad... just... help me.

I... I can't.

Why can't you?

Charlie!
[gasps]

You don't understand,

Heaven never listens.

They didn't listen to me,

they won't listen to you.

You don't know that!

I do!

[soft ballad]
♪ You didn't know that when ♪

♪ I tried this all before ♪

♪ My dreams were too
hard to defend ♪

♪ And in the end ♪

♪ I won't lose it all again ♪

♪ Now you're the only thing
worth fighting for ♪

♪ More than anything ♪

♪ I'll shelter and adore you
more than anything ♪

Dad, I don't need you
to protect me from this

I just don't want you to be
crushed by them like...

Like I was

Dad

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ I didn't really
know you at all ♪

♪ I always felt so small ♪

♪ But I heard your stories
and I was enthralled ♪

♪ The tales about your
lofty dreams ♪

♪ I listened breathlessly ♪

♪ Imagining it could be me ♪

♪ So in the end ♪

♪ Its the view I had of you ♪

♪ That show me dreams
can be worth fighting for ♪

♪ More than anything ♪

♪ I need to save my people ♪

♪ More than anything ♪

♪ I've been dying
to find out who you are ♪

♪ I've been waiting
wanting the same thing ♪

♪ Looks like the apple
doesn't fall far ♪

♪ Took you a while ♪

♪ I've missed that smile ♪

[Charlie and Lucifer together]
♪ All that I'm hopin' ♪

♪ Now that my eyes are open ♪

♪ Is that we can start again ♪

♪ Not be pulled apart again ♪

♪ Cause in the end ♪

♪ You are part of who I am ♪

[Lucifer] ♪ I'll support your
dream, whatever lies in store ♪

[Charlie]
♪ And who could ask for more? ♪

♪ More than anything ♪

- ♪ I'm grateful you're my father ♪
- ♪ I'm grateful you're my daughter ♪

♪ More than anything ♪

[song ends]

[Sir Pentious]
Aww, that was sweet.

Okay, I can get you the meeting,
but once you're in Heaven,

I won't be able to go with you.

Will you be okay?

[Charlie] I'll be fine.

That's my girl.
[sighs]

Good luck kiddo.

This next part is
going to be scary.

- You ready?
- I'm ready.

'Cause you'll be with me.

In spirit, right?

In Heaven.

Yay!

[end credit music]