[heartbeat]
[indistinct chatter]
[atmospheric whooshing]
[audience cheering]
It's showtime, honey?
- Babe, I'm gone.
- WOMAN: Coming.
- Alright.
- See you later.
GIRL: Love you.
Showtime, baby, let's go.
Show time, bro.
[heartbeat]
I'll see you on the other
side, baby.
MAN:
Let's go bro, let's do what you do.
- Have a good show, chief.
- Thank you, sir.
MAN: Go get it, Kev.
- Good.
- Let's go, baby.
Mom, I know you're watching over me.
I'll know you're proud.
In your name we pray, amen.
[accelerated heartbeats]
[audience cheers rising]
Showtime!
[thunderbolt]
My last joke just went viral!
[Kendrick Lamar's "Humble" starts]
♪ Right stroke put
lil' baby in a spiral
♪ Soprano C We like to
keep it on a high note ♪
♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪
♪ Bitch, be humble
Sit down ♪
God dammit, London y'all can do
better than that.
Y'all better make
some f*cking noise.
[crowd erupts]
♪ Be humble [bitch]
[Hol' up] Bitch, sit down ♪
I'm gonna ask y'all one more time.
Y'all better make some f*cking noise
one time.
♪ Be humble [bitch]
[Hol' up] Bitch, sit down ♪
Welcome, welcome
to the "Irresponsible" tour.
We're about to have a good time.
Uh...
The name is "Irresponsible"
for a lot of reasons.
We'll get into all those reasons
as the show goes on.
I don't really like to waste time.
I feel like when I'm out here,
we might as well get to the shit.
Let's just...
let's just get to the shit. Okay?
Let's talk about my first
irresponsible move this year.
My uh...
My first irresponsible move this
year actually involves my kids.
My kids caught me and my wife
f*cking. Let's just start...
Let's just start here.
There's no real way to ease into it.
So I just got to go for it. Okay?
Both kids.
Both kids caught us f*cking.
If it was one, it wouldn't have been
that bad, but it was both.
My son saw us first.
I saw him when he saw us
'cause he called his sister.
He's like, "Come here! Hurry up!
Come here!"
The crazy thing is,
I couldn't even get mad.
I couldn't get mad at them
because they came in my room
based off of a rule
that I put in place.
I don't like locked
doors in my house.
Don't lock your g*dd*mn door. The
worst thing in the world for a parent
is to not be able to get in
his child's room when he wants to.
Don't lock your g*dd*mn door!
Especially my daughter. I told her,
"Lock that door again,
I promise you I'll kick the door down.
Don't lock that g*dd*mn door again."
I go to my daughter's room,
the door's locked.
I said, "What did I say I'd do?
Didn't I say I'd kick the door down?"
She said "Wait,
I'm almost finished."
[laughs] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
In my mind, I thought the worst.
In my mind, she was cooking cocaine.
That's what I believe.
She's got to be.
You know why?
You know why I thought the worst?
I thought the worst because I know
what I was doing as a child
whenever I was in my room
when my door was closed.
When I was in my room
with the door closed,
I was always doing the worst shit possible
on the other side of the g*dd*mn door.
Every time my mom bust into my room,
true story people,
my d*ck was always in my hand.
I swear to God, every time.
"What are you doing, boy?" "Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ah!"
One time, she came in
and I had my d*ck in this hand
and I had matches in this hand.
I don't know what was about to happen,
but she got there right on time.
I told her there was about to be
a hot d*ck in this bathroom.
I was going to set
this d*ck on fire.
"Ahh!"
The worst thing about my
kids catching us having sex
is that we were having sex in
positions that you couldn't play off.
You know there's some sexual
positions that you can play off.
There's a lot of
couples here tonight.
I see you with your lady, sir.
If you and your lady are having sex
and your lady laying on the side and
your kids come and bust in the room,
you can play that off.
All you got to do is sit up,
act like you're watching TV.
Hey! Hey!
Get the f*ck out here. Don't come back
in here till we done watching TV.
If you real good
and you got your
bottom half covered up,
when you sit up, you can technically
keep f*cking while you talking.
Hey, hey!
Get your ass out the g*dd*mn room.
Don't come in the g*dd*mn room.
Your lady be trying to talk.
"Don't come in here.
This is my favorite
part of the show."
You can play it off.
Missionary, you can play that off.
You having sex in the missionary position
and your kids come and bust in the room.
All you got to do is fall down
and collapse on your lady.
[pretends to snore]
Make it look like you asleep.
Kids are stupid, they'll believe it.
Shhh!
Doggie style is tough.
That's a tough one.
Ass naked doggy style
in the middle of the bed.
That's tough to playoff.
You're caught, like...
What do you do? What...
What do you do?
Oh, shit!
You got one move.
You got one move.
You got to make it look like you playing
American football just.. Hut hut!
Hut, hut, hut!
Get your ass out here. We're going
over football plays. Get out of here.
We're playing a couple down the street
this week. Get your ass up out of here.
My biggest fear was
I didn't want my kids to try to talk
to me about what they saw.
Please God.
Don't let my kids talk to me
about the shit that they saw.
I'm a firm believer in letting information
float in the air and disappear.
I don't like to talk about it. Let
it float in the air and disappear.
I go downstairs
and see my son in the kitchen.
My son gave me a look
that said that he wanted to ask me
about what he just saw.
I gave him a look back that said,
"Don't you f*cking ask me
about nothing that you just saw."
I knew he wasn't really
gonna try to ask me,
'cause he got in trouble
at school earlier that week.
I had to take my son's phone from him,
which is the worst thing to do to a child.
Taking a kid's phone is detrimental
to a child's lifestyle.
As soon as I took his phone,
he immediately
turned into a crackhead instantly.
Instantly!
I said, "Give me the phone.
You're not getting the phone
till you get your shit together."
I snatched the phone.
He broke down.
He said, [quavering voice] "Come
on, Daddy, don't do me like that."
[chuckles] He starts moving.
"Don't do me like that, Daddy."
He said, "Take my leg instead.
Take my leg."
"What?
Boy, give me the g*dd*mn phone.
You're not getting the phone back
till you get your shit together."
When I take the phone,
I say to myself, "You know what?
I need to go through my son's phone.
I need to see what my son has been
talking about on his g*dd*mn phone."
It's irresponsible on my part,
as a parent
to not know what's
on my son's phone.
I got to go through the phone.
I realize I don't have the code.
I don't got the thumbprint,
the face ID, nothing.
I got to go back to this little n*gga and
ask him to put the damn code in the phone.
"Put the code in so I can see
what you been talking about."
Straight-faced, my son said,
"No, man, I ain't going to do it."
Uh, what?
"Put the code in before I punch you in
the f*cking throat." That's what I said.
I said that.
He took off running.
Like he don't live in this house.
Like I'm not gonna see him
at dinner in ten minutes.
"Ain't nobody chasing you.
Gimme the code to the phone
before I kick you in the back."
Swear to God, from downstairs,
all I heard was, "f*ck you!"
[elongated] Oh!
I'm gonna k*ll him.
I'm about to k*ll him.
I run downstairs,
grab my son by the neck.
I start choking the
shit out of my son.
"What the f*ck you say to me?"
He couldn't breathe. He was, "argh!"
He said,
"That's the code!
The code is 'f*ck you.'"
Oh.
"That's a good code son.
That's a good code.
Is it Y-O-U or the letter U?
How you spell it?
I scratched your neck up real good.
I apologize.
I'm gonna get you a turtleneck,
so you don't have to go to school
looking like that. I'm sorry."
My kid's are getting older.
Daughter's 13, my son is ten now.
Older they get,
the more the arguments escalate.
I caught my kids cursing at
each other the other day.
This shit made me laugh.
If you're a parent here tonight,
and you don't think your kids curse,
you're a stupid parent.
You're stupid.
As soon as you walk out the house,
your kids let it fly.
f*ck, mother bitch, shit,
d*ck, p*ssy, assh*le, bitch.
It don't even go together.
They say it at the same time.
[laughter]
I heard my daughter going off on
my son, giving him the business.
I'm asleep. I'm laying on the couch.
She's snapping.
"I'm sick of your shit, Hendricks.
You keep f*cking with me,
I'm gonna bust your ass."
I said, "g*dd*mn. Wait a minute.
What the hell is going on in there?"
I don't want to blow my cover 'cause I
want to hear what my son says back.
I want to hear my son's rebuttal.
My son is exactly like me
when I was a child.
We're identical,
we're exactly the same.
My son is such a bitch.
He's such a bitch.
This is what my son said.
My son goes...
"Honestly, really, then what, nothing.
So why are we talking about it? Okay."
What?
He... He stormed off like he won.
Okay.
In my son's defense though, man,
he's got it bad.
I don't know what it is about older
sisters and their younger brothers.
Older sisters love to whip up
on their younger brothers.
I don't know why, it's a real thing.
She dragged him down the steps
the other day.
I didn't see it, I heard it.
I just heard my son.
He was like, "Oh, God, not again."
[bumping sounds]
Just heard the f*cking steps.
But she's a tough girl.
My daughter's not a
little girly girl.
She's a little tomboy, man.
She's a tough f*cking girl.
She just got her period not too
long ago. Took it like a champ.
Shoulder-shrugged it
like it was nothing.
I was nervous. I was nervous
'cause I knew it was coming.
I saw the signs: Emotions,
feelings all over the g*dd*mn place.
I tried to prepare for this period as
if it was an earthquake. I went out...
I bought a bunch of emergency period kits,
put them in jacket pockets, her book bags.
My fear was I didn't want my baby
to get the blood butt at school.
That was my fear.
If your baby get the blood butt,
you got to relocate.
You can't send that child back
to that school.
You got to f*cking get a new school,
you got to move.
There's a bunch of expenses
that go into that problem.
She came downstairs,
she caught me off guard.
She was like, "Dad, I think
my period's on." I panicked.
"f*ck!
Right now?
Is it happening right now?"
She said, "Mm-hm, something's
coming down my leg."
Oh!
All my training went out the window.
I said, "Go in the kitchen, get a
gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up.
It'll freeze the blood up."
I don't know where I got that from.
I pulled that out my ass.
I opened up a maxi-pad like it
was a grenade. I said, "Argh!"
Argh! [Laughs]
I f*cking missed!
Shit stuck to her face. It was bad.
That was a bad situation.
You know what I love
the most about my kids?
I love that my kids don't add stress
to my life.
I got enough stress
going on as it is.
I'm on marriage number two.
That within itself is stressful.
The reason why, sir, is because
this marriage has to work.
It has to!
You don't want to get to
marriage three, four, and five.
When you get there, at that point,
you're not even looking for love.
You're just looking
for a death buddy.
You're looking for
somebody to die with.
You try and die together? Yes or no?
I'll die with you, if you die with me.
Crazy thing about my relationship
is that it's on display.
Everybody can see it,
everybody can judge it.
I don't give a shit. I don't care.
It's the bed I made for myself,
I lay in it.
What makes me laugh is when
people act like they live my life.
Like you walk in my shoes.
Shit hit the fan for me and my
marriage. Everybody had an opinion.
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
"Kevin Hart did it again.
Kevin Hart f*cked up again."
I want to make something clear to everyone
here tonight. I did not f*ck up again.
Okay? In my first marriage,
I filed for a divorce.
That means I chose to leave.
That means I made a better decision
for me and my life.
That's not f*cking up.
That's me moving on. Okay?
Now, this time, I f*cked up.
This was f*cking up, yes. Yes.
But I don't like it when people
act like you plan to f*ck up.
Nobody plans to f*ck up.
That's why it's called a f*ck-up.
You don't walk outside, like, today
is the perfect day for a f*ck-up.
I'm, I'm...
I'm f*cking up all day today.
This is f*ck-up weather,
that's what this is.
That's not how it happens!
The important thing
is to learn from it.
You got to learn from your f*ck-ups.
Lesson number one that I learned,
is that whatever happens in Vegas,
does not stay in Vegas!
Don't believe that shit!
That commercial's a g*dd*mn lie. It
should be taken off the television.
For the first time in my life,
I had to look in a mirror.
Had to look in a mirror. I had to
have a conversation with myself.
"Goddamnit, Kevin.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You're almost 40 years old, you're still
doing the same dumb shit, grow up!
Grow up!"
Me realizing I had to grow up meant
that I had to go back to my wife,
make my wife feel secure
and understanding
that I was done doing the dumb shit.
That put me in heavy
"kiss-my-wife's-ass" mode.
That's a bad place to be, fellas.
I don't know if you've been there,
but it's a f*cked up place.
You do the same thing everyday.
"Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need."
This is all you do.
"Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it.
I'll do it, I'll do it,
I'll do it, I'll do it." Every day.
With that being said,
you're now fighting
for your woman's security.
Now when you try to fight
to make sure your woman feels secure,
you end up being insecure as a man.
The reason why is because
you're questioning yourself.
Is she happy?
Is she satisfied?
Is the sex still good?
I'm gonna ask her. No, I can't.
If I ask her, I look weak.
Now you start searching.
True story.
I went out, I bought a mirror,
put it on my ceiling for no reason at
all. It was a Tuesday, true story.
You don't do no shit like that
on a Tuesday.
That's a weekend move.
Not a Tuesday move.
It was all good until I caught a
reflection of myself in that mirror
when we were f*cking.
Let me tell you something, people.
Whatever you think you look like
when you f*cking,
I promise you,
you don't look like that.
I promise you.
I'm not talking about you posing
in front of the mirror.
I'm talking about an
unexpected glimpse
of yourself in the g*dd*mn mirror.
I saw the bottom of my feet.
I have never been more disgusted
with myself as a man
until I saw the bottom
of my g*dd*mn feet.
My feet were black as shit.
Where was I at?
I didn't wear shoes today?
Jesus Christ!
I wouldn't f*ck nobody with feet
like this! It's disgusting.
My back was ashy, I had bumps
on my ass.
When did my ass break out like this?
Had a full batch of measles
on my ass and didn't know it.
I immediately booked
a doctor's appointment.
"Y'all got to fix this.
I got braille on my butt,
this is disgusting."
Whenever you go through any insecurities,
especially when it comes to sex,
as a man, we all turn to
the same place for answers.
Every man in this room has turned
to porn at some point in time.
Stupidest shit that a man can do.
Here's why I say it's stupid.
We don't give people that do porn
enough credit and enough respect.
Those people are professional actors
and actresses.
That's what they do for a living.
You can't just watch that shit and go
home and try it. It don't work like that.
That's like watching a karate movie,
going outside, getting in a fight,
telling everybody to back up so you can
roundhouse kick this n*gga in the head.
You don't know how to do that kick.
It's the same thing with porn.
I'm not speaking from
a hypothetical place.
I've been there. I've done it.
I've tried it.
I watched porn with my wife.
Tried to do the shit that I saw.
I was nervous about it.
I was having a conversation
with myself. Should I do it?
Should I f*cking do it?
Should I try it?
I had good Kevin on this side.
Bad Kevin was on this side.
Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on
a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater.
He said, "Absolutely not.
Don't do it.
That's a good woman.
You talk to her first."
Bad Kevin popped up.
Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather
pants and a fishnet t*nk top.
He was doing this, "Bad, Kevin."
Bad, Kevin said, "You going to listen
to a man with khakis on? No, no!"
He said, "Do it then, do it!"
Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife.
Puh! It was quick.
Right in the f*cking forehead.
Puh!
A loogie right on
her g*dd*mn forehead.
[woman cackles]
There was an awkward beat of silence.
Nobody said nothing. It was quiet.
Out of nowhere, she was like,
"You just f*cking spit on me!"
The complete opposite reaction
from the lady in the porn.
The lady in the porn went crazy
when it happened. She was like...
[whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh!
This spit making me so hot! Oh!
This spit gonna make me cum. Oh!
In my mind, I was like,
"That's how you make them cum."
You got to spit on their f*cking heads.
I've been doing it wrong all this time.
I even told my wife,
"You're not doing it right.
You got to rub it in.
That's how you f*cking cum."
I had to go downstairs,
get a baby wipe.
Clean her head off.
That was embarrassing.
I go to get back in the bed.
She want to talk about it.
What did I tell you guys?
I don't like to talk.
Let it float in the
air and disappear.
I don't want to talk about it.
As soon as I get in the bed,
she was like,
"Did you really just spit on me?"
I almost lied, I almost lied.
Even though I know that she know that I
know I did it, I almost f*cking lied.
The reason why is because bad Kevin
popped back up.
Bad Kevin was like...
"Say it was a leak in the ceiling."
I said, "Now get...
the hell out of here bad Kevin."
"Yes. Yes.
I spit on you.
Why? I don't know.
I was watching porn,
I saw some shit, I tried it."
She said, "Kevin let me tell you something.
I don't care if you watch porn.
Don't be stupid enough to bring
the shit you saw in our house."
She said,
"I watch porn all the time.
I don't try to do the shit
that I saw to you."
I said, "Er... Back the f*ck up.
When did this become a
[shouting] whorehouse?
The hell you mean you watching porn?
What the hell are you watching?"
She's like, "Everything."
[echoing] Argh!
Instantly, it got hurt.
The reason why it hurt me
is because I f*cking couldn't
separate my pride from reality.
This is a problem that all men have.
See, reality is, if she wants to
watch porn, she can.
If I want to watch porn, I can.
That's how it should be.
But my pride... my pride won't let
it be that way.
My pride wanted to know
what she was watching.
I want to see it.
Let me see it with my eyes.
I want to see it.
She said, "You want to see it?"
"Let me see it."
She got her laptop, opened it up.
She said, "My porn search
is in my cookies.
All you got to do is
search my cookies."
I said, "You better
get me a glass of milk
'cause I'm about to eat
all these g*dd*mn cookies."
The shit that I saw hurt my heart.
It hurt me.
The reason why is because her porn search
was the complete opposite of who I am.
Everything I saw was big.
Everything was big.
Big balls to the walls,
big bats on big blacks,
big cocks and socks.
What the f*ck is going on?
One of the sites wasn't even porn. It
was a bunch of tall men being active.
They were changing light bulbs,
putting shit on shelves,
hanging paintings. What kind of sick
shit is this? What the f*ck is this?
She was like, "You can't do none
of that stuff, I like that stuff."
Agh!
[chuckles]
I went out and bought me one of them grab
sticks after that. You know those sticks?
They got the claw on it,
so you can grab stuff.
I went and bought one.
I didn't tell her.
I just put it under my bed,
waited for the next time we were
having sex. I was like, "Yo.
You know this picture by the bed is
crooked." She was like...
"Don't worry about it, we'll get
somebody to come and fix it."
I was like,
"Or not." And I f*cking...
I got the stick.
She was like...
[whimpering] Ohhhh!
"You f*cking like that shit?
You like that shit?"
Grab stick saved my marriage is what
I'm trying to tell you all, man.
It's important to understand that
you go through levels in life.
There's tons of levels, man.
As you go through these levels,
f*cking just understand what
they were, and become better.
I'm gonna give you guys one gem.
If you take nothing
from this show tonight,
take this one piece of
information with you.
So many people are on this journey
to live a perfect life.
I personally think it's stupid.
The reason why I say it's stupid is
because you have no idea
what perfection is,
unless you've
experienced imperfection.
The point that I'm making, is that you
should embrace your flaws and f*ck-ups
because they help make you
who you're supposed to be.
Don't run away from your bullshit.
Embrace it and become better.
- That's my message.
- [crowd applauding]
Now...
right now...
right now,
we're actually at a new stage.
We just had a baby.
Nine months ago.
Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you.
Father of three!
Father of three now.
Now, here's the thing.
People thought I was playing around when
I first talked about it, but I wasn't.
I didn't know if I really wanted
to have another baby.
I felt like I did it.
I got the best of both worlds.
I got a boy. I got to girl.
We're married.
"My kids are your kids.
You got kids.
Those are your kids."
She was like,
"I know but they're old.
I want new ones."
"First of all, listen to me.
Don't talk about my f*cking kids
like they're used cars.
Ain't nothing wrong with these
g*dd*mn kids."
She's like,
"I know I just want new ones."
The thing is, I didn't know if I had
the patience to deal with kids.
That two year old age, you need patience
to deal with a two-year-old baby.
All you do is repeat yourself all
g*dd*mn day to a two-year-old child.
You say the same shit
over and over again.
Hey, hey, come here, look at me.
Hey.
Look at me. What did I say? No.
Come here, look at me, hey,
look at me.
What did I... no! Come here,
look at me.
Hey, hey, what did I... look at me.
What did I say?
What? No, come here. Look...
Hey, hey.
Look at... you want to get, ah!
You want to... no!
Come here, look at me.
Ain't nobody got time
to do that shit all day.
Ladies, stop assuming that every man
has that patience because we don't.
We don't have the patience.
Another thing ladies...
Stop making these old ass men
have these f*cking babies.
I was at a park.
I saw a 63-year-old man with a
two-year-old baby. It was sad.
He was treating the baby like a
loose basketball at the playground.
"Hey, hey, grab that baby,
hey, g*dd*mn.
Ah!
f*cking back! g*dd*mn!
Somebody grab that, baby.
Throw that baby back."
But he was a cool old head.
You know,
those old head that are stuck
in that era? In this era right here?
He was cool as shit.
He did not know how to work none of
the baby shit.
So he was trying to
get my attention.
He was like, "Hey, hey.
Youngblood!
Hey, youngblood, let me
holler at you real quick, hey.
Youngblood.
[sings] Stay it! [Normal] Youngblood,
let me holler at you real quick.
- [crowd erupts]
- Let me holler at you, youngblood.
I got the stroller up,
but I can't get it down.
It's like a hard
d*ck on a good night.
Hello. Give me some.
Come on now, youngblood.
Give me some.
You know, what I'm talking about."
I said, "Look,
it's a tap and release.
All you do is tap the middle section
and the stroller gone collapse."
He said, "Show me how
to do it, youngblood."
I tapped the stroller,
the stroller collapsed. He lost it.
He said, "Get out!
Shit!
Yeah, yeah.
Youngblood, can you follow me
to my car
help me properly strap
my baby in the car seat?
I don't think I did it right
on the way over here.
Let's just say I made a left
and my baby slid from the right
and smacked her head on the glass
on the left hand side.
She was bleeding and everything. I'll tell
her mother it happened at the playground,
but between us, it did not.
Give me some.
Come on now, hello.
You know what I'm talking about."
Ladies, I will say this though.
When it comes to having patience,
you got it.
I take my hat off to you.
You actually deserve all the
accolades that come your way
when it comes to dealing
with a child, ladies.
Feeding your kid, bathing your kid,
clothing your kid,
to school, from
school, potty training.
Some of you do it while you work,
it's un-f*cking-believable.
Unbelievable.
But... but...
the one thing that you are not,
ladies, is fun.
You're not fun.
I know some women instantly
got an attitude.
"What? Bullshit! I'm f*cking fun.
You don't even know.
I'm so much fun."
No, you're not. You're not.
You've never heard a kid say, "I can't
wait to get home and play with my mom."
You ain't never heard that.
It's never happened.
The reason why is because you try
to blur the lines, ladies.
You want to do it all. You want to be
the fun parent and the disciplinarian.
You can't be both.
You got to pick one.
See, the fun tag gets slapped
on the dad's back.
We don't ask for it.
It's just the way it is.
We don't want to be
the disciplinarian either,
but you make us
become the disciplinarian.
As soon as a man walks in
the house,
you hit him with the bullshit.
"Go in there and go
f*ck that baby up!"
"What?
What?
I just got home.
I just walked in the house."
"You going to let
him disrespect us?"
"Us?"
"Ain't nobody said shit to me.
Ain't nobody said shit to me."
Now, you've got to give a confused
ass-whipping.
"Your mother said I
got to f*ck you up."
"What I do?" "I don't know.
I don't know what you did.
She said f*ck you up
or get f*cked up. I choose you.
I'm gonna f*ck you up."
Right now, I know some women are thinking
to themselves like, "So what Kevin?
If it's about having fun, then just
go have fun." It's not that easy.
Having fun is a very difficult job.
The reason why I say that
is because kids don't know
how to shut fun off.
Kids think fun lasts forever.
I'll tell you the scariest shit
in the world for a man to see
after a long day at work.
Long day at work, you get home,
you put your key in the door,
you open up that door real slow.
Scariest shit in the world
for a man to see
is that baby with all that energy
on the other side.
"Oh, yeah!
Daddy home. It's time to play.
I want to play, Daddy.
I've been taking naps
with Mommy all day.
I want to play that game where
you try to close your eyelids
and I keep opening them back up.
Oh, yeah.
It's time to play, Daddy."
I make a bet.
I make a bet right now to every man
in this room that has a child,
has done what I'm about to say
at least one time.
At least one time.
Long day at work,
you're in your car, driving home.
You pull in your driveway.
When you pull in your driveway,
that baby with all that energy
runs to the window,
opens up the blinds.
Oh, yeah!
Daddy home. It's time to play.
You see the baby in the blinds.
The baby sees you. You and the
baby are looking at each other.
You locked eyes with a g*dd*mn baby.
You're staring at the baby,
the baby staring at you.
And you back out the driveway.
You back out the g*dd*mn driveway.
f*ck that baby today.
I'd rather go back to work and
throw boxes at the g*dd*mn wall
than deal with that baby today.
"Where are you going, Daddy?"
"f*ck you, baby.
f*ck you, baby."
You're only laughing
because it's true.
With that being said, it's very
important to understand your patience.
You got to know your
patience levels.
The older you get,
the thinner your patience gets.
My patience is
definitely wearing thin.
I know it is. You know how I know?
Because I'm not the same guy
that I used to be with my dogs.
I'm a dog dude, people.
I love dogs, you hear me?
I love dogs.
Shouts out to my other dog lovers
if you're here tonight.
- Shouts out to you.
- [crowd members whooping]
Love dogs. I got two dogs.
I got a big ass Doberman.
That's Roxy. That's my heart.
Love Roxy to death.
Then we got a little Min Pin.
That's Riggs.
I'm gonna be honest. I don't give a f*ck
about that dog. That's my wife's dog.
I don't care.
I don't care about that dog.
But my dog, my dog is trained,
trained to the max.
But I got comfortable.
I got comfortable with my dog.
When you get comfortable,
things change.
True story, I wake up 5:30 in the
morning, I walk in my hallway.
My dog went to the bathroom
in the hallway. I see it.
I got a decision to make.
Do I go get my dog, discipline my
dog and clear this up right now?
Or do I back into bed and deal
with it later when I wake up?
It's 5:30.
I chose to get back into bed. I'll
deal with it later when I wake up.
all I hear is, "Oh, my God!
The dog went to the bathroom
in the hallway."
I sat up acting
like I didn't know nothing.
"You got to be f*cking kidding me!"
I said, "You want me to get it?
You want me to clean it up?"
She was like,
"No, I'm up now. I'll get it."
I was like, "Exactly."
Exactly. I knew you'd get it.
That's why I left it there.
I "exactly-d" you.
At that moment, I thought to myself,
"Goddammit, Kevin.
Is this the kind of
man you want to be?
Do you want to be the man
who doesn't give a 100%
'cause you know your other half
is going to put up the percentage
you failed to give?"
No, I don't. I don't.
I was about to be,
I was about to be that guy
until my best friend, Harry,
showed up in my house
with his two-year-old baby.
Harry's got a two-year-old baby.
I call his baby a great baby.
Let me tell you what I mean
when I say a great baby.
A great baby is a baby that does
adult shit at a baby age.
Now, Harry showing up at my house
with his baby unannounced
was a bitch move. I didn't like that
at all. That was a bitch move.
But my wife fell for it.
As soon as she saw the baby,
she was like, "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No. No.
You haven't had a break since
you had that baby.
Leave the baby with me and Kev. We
gonna watch the baby for y'all today."
He said, "Kev is that okay with
you?" I said, "As you can see,
I don't run my household.
I have no control
over my household."
They leave the baby with us.
They get in the car, they drive off.
Here's how I knew
this was a great baby.
When they drive off, the great baby's
waving bye, she's on the front step.
She turns around,
taps me on the leg twice.
She said, "Pardon me."
I said, "What the f*ck
did you just say?"
That's a little black baby.
I've never heard a black person say
"pardon me." Never!
I move out the way. The great
baby walks in the kitchen.
I tell my wife the great baby
might be hungry.
Let's see if she wants something
to eat. "You want a sandwich?"
Great baby says, "Yes."
We make a sandwich,
put it on a plate,
set it on the countertop.
The plate made a noise when it hit
the countertop.
The great baby tapped the countertop
and looked at me.
She said, "Granite? Is it granite?"
I said, "What the f*ck?
Yes. Yes, great baby.
That is a granite countertop."
Who's been watching
HGTV with this baby?
I'm blown away.
At this point, I feel like I don't
even need to be around the baby.
I've seen enough.
I go in the living room,
I finish watching TV.
Great baby follows me, get on the
couch, starts watching TV with me.
We get done watching TV,
the great baby gets off the couch,
but she didn't get off the couch
like a regular baby.
Regular babies turn on their stomach and
slide down until their feet hit something.
Sometimes it's the floor,
sometimes it's not.
That's the gamble that a
regular baby is willing to take.
The great baby didn't do that. The
baby sat up at the edge and jumped.
She landed,
put both hands in the air.
She looked at me, she said,
"Ten? Is it a ten?"
You're f*cking right it's
a g*dd*mn ten, great baby.
You stuck the shit
out of that landing!
At this point, I've seen enough!
I've seen enough, I'm blown away by
her. She can take care of herself.
Great baby is now walking
all over the house.
Once again, this is a true story.
Ten minutes go by.
Ten minutes go by. I smell shit.
I smell it.
I turn around, there's a pile of shit
in the middle of my living room floor.
My Doberman's on this side,
the great baby is on this side.
Now I'm pissed. My dog didn't bark.
"You didn't scratch the door.
Now you're in trouble."
I grab my dog by the collar.
I discipline my dog.
"You know better than this. You don't
go to the bathroom in the house
and more importantly, you don't embarrass
me in front of this g*dd*mn great baby."
I go put my dog in the cage.
I go back to clean it up.
I look at it.
That's not my dog's shit.
I know what my dog's shit looks
like. It don't look like that.
I look at the great baby. The
great baby got on a white Pamper.
There's no shit anywhere around
the Pamper.
Now, I'm confused.
'Cause I know what I'm looking at.
Somebody's sh1tting on the floor.
I'm looking at shit on the floor.
Somebody's shitted on the floor.
I'm so confused.
I go wake my wife up. My wife's
sleeping on the couch. "Babe."
"Babe, wake up.
Wake up."
"What?" "Hey. Wake up!"
"What?"
"Hey!
Did you shit on that floor before
you laid on this g*dd*mn couch?"
- "What?"
- "Did you shit on the floor
before you laid on
this g*dd*mn couch?"
- "Ain't nobody shit on no floor."
- "Somebody's shitted on the floor."
I turn back around.
Me and the great baby lock eyes.
Now, I feel like the great baby's
trying to play me.
I said, "Great baby,
I been nothing but good to you,
since you been in my house.
You came in the house, you wanted
something to eat. I made you a sandwich.
We watched TV.
You jumped off the couch.
I gave you a ten. For you to shit
on my floor is disrespectful.
Did you shit on my floor?"
The great baby was like,
"Pardon me?" "Shut the...
Shut up, shut up!
Shut up!
Did you shit on my floor?"
Great baby put both hands in the air
and turned around as if to say,
"Check me."
I take two fingers.
I put my fingers in the back of
the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out.
There's no shit in the back
of the Pamper.
At this point,
I'm f*cked up in the head.
Now, I question myself.
Did...
Did I shit on the floor?
I didn't shit on no floor.
I would know if I shitted on the
floor. I didn't shit on the floor.
I apologize to the great baby.
"Great baby, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have came at you like that.
You been great since you've been here.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Look at my security cameras."
I got cameras all over the house.
I go look at the cameras.
Whoever shit on my floor was a
mastermind. This was a planned attack.
I say that because they shitted in the
one blind spot that I have in my house.
I couldn't see a damn thing
from this spot.
So I had to take one for the team.
I go get the cleaning materials.
I come back, I clean it up.
It took me 45 minutes to get this
up out of the carpet.
I'm pissed! Pissed!
Harry comes back to
get the great baby.
"You had a good time?
You all enjoy the baby?"
My wife is ecstatic. "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. We love that baby."
"What about you Kev?"
I said, "That's a great baby.
You're doing a good job.
Can we talk?
Away from everybody, please?
I just want to tell you that
I snapped on the great baby.
I was pissed off 'cause somebody
shitted on my floor."
He said, "What?"
I said,
"Somebody shitted on my floor."
He said, "Oh, my God.
She did that."
I said, "Excuse me?"
He said, "She did that.
She know how to take her Pamper, pull it
to the side to shit wherever she's at.
Then she'll put the Pamper back.
I forgot to tell you that
when I dropped her off."
"How the f*ck do you forget
to tell me that?"
That should've been the first thing
you said
when you dropped
this shitty-ass baby off
at my g*dd*mn house."
My dog came up. My dog was like,
"You got to put that bitch
in the cage." I said, "Hey.
Hey!
Go lay down, go lay down."
I said, "Dude, I'm pissed off. It took me
My wife was like, "Exactly."
I said, "Babe, not now.
Let me handle it."
She said,
"I'm just saying 'Exactly.'"
I said, "Exactly what?"
She said, "I saw
the baby when she did it,
but I didn't feel like cleaning up,
so I just acted like I was asleep."
I said, "Ain't this about a bitch?
Ain't this about a bitch?"
She "exactly-d" me back, people.
She got me good.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
I don't really like having
company over my house. I don't.
The reason why...
is because my house got robbed.
Whenever your house gets robbed,
it messes with you mentally.
It's all about protecting my
household. I'm the man of the house.
I'm going to protect my household.
So I went out. I bought nine g*ns.
Put them in secret compartments
all over my house.
Understand something.
You cannot put g*ns
in secret compartments in your house
without playing out fake scenarios
in your head
that help justify you putting
the g*ns in these places.
This is where you go crazy.
I was in the house for three hours
by myself,
acting out shit that never happened.
Oh...
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
This how you gonna do me? Huh?
You going to rob me
at the front door?
- Okay... Okay.
- [tense action music begins]
I'ma give you what you want.
I'ma give you what you want.
Just let me check the mailbox
one last time.
g*n compartment.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
This how you're going to do me? Huh?
You going to rob me
in the guest bathroom?
Okay.
Okay.
I'ma give you what you want.
I'ma give you what you want.
Just let me wipe my
ass one last time.
g*n compartment.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
This how you gonna do me? Huh?
You going to rob me in the kitchen
while I'm cooking for my family
on Thanksgiving?
Okay.
Okay.
I'ma give you what you want.
I'ma give you what you want.
Just let me open the oven and check
on the turkey one last time.
g*n compartment.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
This how you're gonna do me? Huh?
You going to rob me
in the living room
while I'm sitting on the couch in
front of the fireplace, masturbating?
Okay.
Okay.
I'ma give you what you want.
I'ma give you what you want.
Just let me log off of PornHub
one last time.
g*n compartment.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! [Laughs]
This...
This how you're gonna do me?
You gonna...
You're going to rob
me in the laundry room
while taking...
while I'm taking my clothes
out of the washing machine
and putting them in the dryer?
Okay.
Okay.
Alright, we got...
Oh...
No I got to...
I got to get through it.
Let me get through it.
This is my favorite joke, alright.
You... [choking with laughter]
You...
You gonna rob me in
the laundry room?
While I'm taking my clothes
out of the washing machine
and putting them in the dryer?
Okay.
Okay.
I'ma give you what you want.
I'ma give you what you want.
Just...
just let me add some fabric softener
sheets.
g*n compartment.
Yeah, nine g*ns all over the house.
Then I got robbed again in the one
spot that I forgot to put a g*n.
So I spent the whole time I was
getting robbed
trying to get them to go where
the g*ns were.
Come on man, f*ck!
Agh.
[high-pitched]
That's how you're gonna do me?
Don't nobody got to use
the guest bathroom?
Come on, man. I'll wipe your butt.
I'll wipe your butt, please!
Please...
Y'all just gonna rob
me on empty stomachs?
Don't nobody want no left-over
turkey? It's in the oven.
At least let me masturbate on the
couch one last time. Come on, man.
I ain't gay. I'm just trying to have
a good time. Don't do me like this.
Let me get my clothes out the washing
machine and put them in the dryer.
Are you gonna let my clothes mildew,
you selfish son of a bitch.
[chuckling]
I still allow my closest friends
to come over my house once a month.
Once a month.
We have game night at my house
once a month.
I'm gonna be honest with
you, people.
I personally don't like game night.
I can't stand game night.
I think game night brings
the worst out in couples,
especially in my household
'cause we're way too competitive.
We play Monopoly.
But I don't like the
way we play Monopoly.
We don't play it correctly.
We allow the negotiations to go
outside of the game of Monopoly.
For example, here's how we negotiate.
Let's say we're playing.
Right, here's how we negotiate.
I say, "Alright, look. You can land on
my property two times without paying,
but you got to pay my parking ticket
that I got in real life yesterday.
If you agree to that...
That's our deal. You understand
what I'm saying?"
Last time we played, I got pissed
because the women got drunk.
When women get drunk...
Women, you guys can get stupid
when you get drunk.
You got two levels, ladies.
You got "not drunk" and "stupid."
You skip all this
space, like literally!
You just hop over all
the f*cking space.
It's either, "No, I'm not drinking
like that tonight,"
or it's, "Oh, my God,
I'm so f*cked up!"
It's one or the other.
It's so... "Oh, my God!
I can't believe I
got this f*cked up.
Somebody put one
of the Monopoly pieces in my butt."
"What? What did you say?"
"I'm so f*cked up!"
They messed up the game
and I was k*lling the game.
I was destroying the g*dd*mn game.
Now, I can admit I'm very childish
when I play board games.
Very childish.
Whenever you land on my property,
I make DJ noises.
[DJ air horn]
Every time you land on my property.
[DJ air horn]
You got to pay that.
You got to f*cking pay that.
[DJ air horn]
My wife was drunk. She landed
on my property, I lit her up.
[DJ air horn]
You got to f*cking pay that!
You got to pay that!
Ever seen a woman when she's drunk?
She tries to talk like she's not
drunk, but she's clearly drunk.
She was like, "Alright, alright.
Alright...
It ain't even that serious like...
How... how m...
[hiccups] How m...
How much... how much I owe you?
What I owe you?"
I look down, she don't have no
money. "You don't even have money!
Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it
in the box. Give the f*ck up, you lost!
[DJ air horn]
Get the f*ck out of here."
"You gonna do me like that.
You gonna do your wife like that?"
"Yes! Yes!"
It's a game, all I want to
do is win. I took her piece.
I plucked it, bam! That shit
shot across the room somewhere.
[DJ air horn] "Get
the f*ck out of here."
All my trash-talk is within the game
of Monopoly.
She takes it outside
the game of Monopoly.
She goes, "All you want to do is
win? That's all you want to do?
Well, all I want to
do is cum sometimes."
"What? Whatcha? What?
What?
The f*ck's that got to do
with anything?
What's that got to do with
the g*dd*mn game?"
Out of nowhere,
Harry and Wayne stood up, like...
[DJ air horn]
"He don't make her cum."
I said, "Ain't this a bitch?" I
got mad. I messed up the game.
"Everybody out, get the f*ck out,
everybody out my house.
Get out!"
They start walking out, Harry and
Wayne was like, "Man, f*ck this house
and his fake-ass guard dogs."
When he said that,
a light bulb went off in my head
for the first time.
I immediately thought to myself...
Where were my dogs when
I got robbed? Where...
were my dogs?
I run. I go look at
those security cameras.
I'll be damned if I didn't see four eyes
in the closet doing this shit right here.
They looked at the whole thing.
You could hear them talking.
"g*dd*mn, they're taking everything.
You see this?
This is ridiculous.
They're not leaving nothing behind.
I'm glad we got our stuff in here.
You got your bed, you got your bowl.
He got to get a guard dog.
I'm not going to live like this.
This is not safe for us."
Bitch, you are the guard dog!
[Kevin laughs]
You need friends
like the ones I got.
I have amazing friends, man.
I truly believe
that I would not be where I am today,
if it were not for my support group.
My friends have a lot to do
with my level of success.
That's why I'm loyal to them,
that's why I'm true to them.
Over the summer,
I took them to Japan.
I said, "Let's do something different.
Let's embrace another culture.
The word "No" cannot exist."
They said, "You bet, let's do it."
We go to Japan.
First thing they wanted to do in
Japan is go to the amusement park.
Now, if you really know me,
if you really follow me,
you know I don't
like amusement parks.
But I said the word "no" doesn't
exist and that's what I meant.
We go to the amusement
park in Japan.
When we got there,
I have to be honest.
I was blown away.
The shit was incredible.
The reason why I was blown away
is because I...
I was the tallest
person in the park.
This is a true story.
It's a true story.
They were calling me Godzilla.
I gave advice that I never give,
telling people to drink milk,
eat their vegetable,
shit I've never said.
We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once
again, I don't do roller coasters.
But I said the word "no" doesn't
exist, and that's what I meant.
We go to get on this roller coaster
and it made me realize how spoiled
some of us are.
We're very spoiled.
For example, we go to the amusement
park. We get on a roller coaster,
you're used to hearing a click when
you put the shit over your head.
[clicks]
That's how you know
you're locked in.
Ha, ha. Yeah.
Let's go bitch, locked and loaded.
I'm ready.
In Japan, there was no click.
They put the shit over me.
I can still move it. I was like...
I got no click. My shit ain't
clicked I ain't got no click, yo.
I look down my row at some Japanese
people in the aisle.
I was like, "Yo,
I ain't got no click."
This lady took her camera out,
started taking pictures.
I was like, "Bitch, no.
This ain't the time for that.
It's not the time for that.
This is serious."
Japanese guys walking back
down the aisle.
I flag him down. I'm like,
"Yo, I ain't got no click.
I ain't got no click.
My shit ain't clicked."
Scariest moment of my life.
He looked me in the eye.
We lock eyes together. He goes,
"So excited!
So excited!"
I said, "What?
What'd you just say?"
"So excited, so excited."
It started moving.
The roller coaster started moving.
I can't jump out
'cause it's too high.
So I wrap up my arm under the bar.
I said, "God, not like this.
You didn't bring me to Japan
to end it like this, did you?
Don't do it like this."
It takes off.
When it takes off,
my stomach immediately falls
in my ass, immediately!
My belly button and my ass-hole
was touching. It was doing this.
I started farting and burping.
[makes farting noises]
"Oh, God I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna f*cking die.
I know it,
I'm about to die right now."
It turns out,
it was one stop. It was a tram.
This took you to the roller coaster.
Ain't nobody told me that.
They don't communicate in Japan.
The name of the roller coaster was
"So excited." So excited!
We got on the roller coaster
and they were like, "So excited!"
I said, "No, I'm not!
You don't see these faeces on my
back. I shitted all on myself.
Get me the hell out of here."
[laughs]
Japan was very tough for
me, very tough.
The reason why Japan was so tough for me
is because I didn't have a translator.
Nobody told me
that I needed a translator.
When we got there
and saw that I needed one,
"f*ck it, it's too late.
I got to figure it out."
Here's why it was very tough.
I don't eat seafood, people.
I'm allergic to seafood.
Everywhere you go to eat in Japan,
it's all seafood.
Now, you don't want to be r*cist,
you don't want to be an assh*le,
but you end up doing r*cist assh*le shit
by accident when you try to communicate.
'Cause you don't speak the language,
so you just mimic what they do
when they talk.
It's the most r*cist thing
I've ever done in my life. "Chicken"
Chicken. Oh, f*ck it.
I just can't get low. Chicken...
[strange accent] Chicken.
I saw a reflection of myself.
Immediately got disappointed.
Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you.
I had a Snickers bar.
Lasted me for four days.
I'd just take a bite,
put it in my pocket.
I was weak. I was f*cking weak, man.
I was like, "I'm
hungry, I need to eat."
My friends wanted to go out
the last night. I said, "I can't.
I'm about to die.
Y'all go. I just want to go to bed,
wake up, get on the plane and eat."
That's all I want to do.
They go out, I stay home.
I wake up in the middle of night.
My stomach is k*lling me.
I called the front desk.
A woman picked up the phone. She said,
"Hello, front desk, may I help you?"
It was the first time that I heard
English outside of my friends in Japan.
You would have thought that I was
Tom Hanks in Castaway.
I lost it.
[screams] Ah!
Chicken!
[sobbing]
Please! Chicken!
She was like, "Sir, calm down.
Calm down.
- What room are you in?"
- "I don't know."
She said, "Look at the phone.
Your room number is on the phone."
Okay. I'm...
I'm in room...
I'm in room...
line, line, dash, cross house.
I don't know how to read it.
It looks like an abandoned building
with no windows,
made out of bamboo sticks,
I don't know.
So excited... I don't know.
Help!"
Did you get it?
Did you get the joke? You got it.
'Cause the way they write
their numbers. You got it?
I felt like you should have
gave a bigger laugh.
I don't think your laugh was...
is what it should have been.
I almost threw this g*dd*mn microphone
at your head just now, sir.
I love the fact that I can travel.
I love the fact that
I can take my kids to places
that I never dreamed or imagined
I'd be able to.
Every year around the holidays,
I take my kids to Aspen.
I don't want you to think I take
my kids to Aspen because we can ski
because we cannot!
I just like that we're the only
black people there when we go.
It looks great. It just looks good.
Last time we went,
I actually got into an accident
on the bunny slopes.
I'm trying to learn how to ski.
Now, the bunny slopes,
they don't give you ski poles,
they take your ski poles away.
They want you to get comfortable
with going from right to left
and falling.
So I'm on the bunny slopes.
They push me down the slope.
I'm in my ski stance, right?
I'm going down.
Out the corner of my eye,
I see a kid coming this way.
Now, I'm not good at math.
I'm not good at math at all,
but I know
if he keeps coming this way
and I keep going this way,
we going to f*ck each other up
somewhere up here.
As I'm getting closer, I'm like,
"I'm about to hit this kid."
My instructor start yelling,
"Fall!
Fall!"
I'm trying, I can't.
I can't, they didn't teach me,
I'm not going down.
Now I got to make a decision.
Do I just run this kid over
and keep going?
Or do I become a hero?
I chose to do some hero shit.
As I got closer,
I picked the kid up.
When I picked the kid up, I thought
that the weight would make me stop.
But instead, we did a little hop.
And we start going down
another slope, but this...
This was the real shit. This was
not a part of the bunny slope.
I knew it was real
'cause when we start going down, this
lady, she was like, "He got my baby!"
I was like,"That's not good.
That is not good at all."
I said, "God, please don't
let this baby be white.
Don't let this be a white baby."
'Cause I couldn't see the baby,
the baby had on a snowsuit.
I lift up that visor, that little
Japanese head popped out like this.
That baby says, "So excited!"
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I got nervous, just left
the baby there. I had to go.
Last time we went, I got pissed off
because the singer Seal
showed up on my black week.
I was pissed. It was my black week.
I've been coming here for the last
four to five years on this week.
For you to show up on my black week
is very selfish
and inconsiderate of you, Seal.
He said, "Kev, what are you talking
about? You don't own this week."
I said, "Hell if I don't. I do."
He said, "I didn't know you skied."
I said, "Why else would I be here
unless I skied?"
He said, "What mountain are you going
to?" "Which one are you going to?"
He said, "Buttermilk, the big one."
I said, "Well, I guess
I'll see you there."
I go to my instructor,
"Hey, man, Seal is here.
He's trying to out-black me
on my black week.
You got to take me and my family
up to Buttermilk Mountain.
My instructor took us up
to Buttermilk mountain.
When we got there,
he was very honest.
He said, "Look, you guys have
no business being up here."
He said, "This mountain is
way too advanced for you guys.
You don't know how to maneuver. If you
go straight, you're going to die.
So we got to chop the mountain up,
we got to make big S's
going down the mountain."
I said, "Perfect. You go first,
then me, then my son,
then my daughter then my wife."
In my mind, if anybody falls,
they're going to fall on me.
That's how I'll keep my family together.
That's what I'm thinking in my head. Okay?
We start going down the mountain.
Exactly what he said,
It's coming true.
We're making big S's.
Out of nowhere,
a gust of wind sh**t by my face.
I turn around.
I don't see my son.
I have no idea...
where my son is.
I turned back around this way.
The instructor said,
"Oh, my God, your son is going
straight, I'll go get him."
I said "No, you're not.
You're doing no such thing.
He made his choice. He chose death.
That's what he chose."
You're not about to go save
him and leave us stranded.
Next thing you know, I got to
eat my wife's ass to survive.
My wife was like,
"I still ain't going to cum."
"Will you shut the f*ck... shut up!"
My daughter was like...
[DJ air horn]
"Shut... everybody shut up!"
Out of nowhere, Seal came flying
over the mountain.
Seal was like, "I'll save him!"
The crowd starts f*cking cheering.
His music start playing out, I don't even
know where the g*dd*mn speakers were.
I'm pissed! I told my instructor,
"Hey, man, get me
to the bottom of the mountain,
Seal is trying to out-black me
on my black week."
We get down to the bottom of the mountain,
Seal's got my son on his shoulders.
It's a crowd of people around him
celebrating.
I'm pissed. Pissed!
Seal!
Give me back my f*cking son,
right now, give me my son.
He said, "You need to be thanking me
for saving your son's life."
"Ain't nobody ask you to do that.
I was willing to live with
the consequences.
Give my f*cking son
back, right now."
He said, "You're not to talk to me
like that in front of these people."
I said, "f*ck you and these people."
Seal popped out his skis
without using his hands.
Pop, pop.
He got in a fighting stance.
I tried to do the same thing,
but I couldn't do it.
I just ended up leaning all over
the place like Michael Jackson
in that f*cking "Smooth
Criminal" video.
The crowd thought it
on purpose. They were like,
"Oh!"
He said, "Cuss at me again, Kevin,
I'm gonna bust your ass."
I said, "f*ck you."
He said, "f*ck you."
When he said it,
a piece of spit flew out his mouth,
landed on my wife's forehead.
My wife said,
"Ahhh!
[echoing] I'm cumming!"
It's been real London and my name is
Kevin Hart, goddamnit.
I appreciate the love.
Thank you guys so much.
I f*cking love you.
I love you.
And you best believe I'll be back!
[50 Cent ft. Chris Brown "I'm The Man"]
♪ Came in the game gettin' money ♪
♪ Flippin' checks, whip it,
Gettin' money ♪
♪ n*gg*s get to playin' with the
money Clique bang for the money ♪
♪ Shit changed over money ♪
♪ They love to see a
n*gga on the bottom ♪
♪ Catch it coming,
Gotta keep it on the low ♪
♪ A n*gga plug bless a n*gga
With a whole ♪
♪ Wanna break the bitch down
Into 36 O's ♪
♪ Looky here, bitch, I'm A-okay
Shorty wanna f*ck with me ♪
♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, n*gga
Lady, she gon' hit my line ♪
♪ We ain't gon' waste no time ♪
♪ She sucking and we f*cking
Like she need me ♪
♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪
♪ All the light in
the room from the TV ♪
♪ We gettin' it on then I'm gone It's
the type of shit that a n*gga be on ♪
♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪
♪ I'm on the grind right now ♪
♪ Looking for me, sucker,
Then I need to be found right now ♪
♪ I got my nine right now Bitch,
I'll blow your mind right now ♪
♪ I ain't f*cking around right now ♪
♪ Better get in line right now ♪
♪ Or f*ck around and die right now ♪
♪ Hope you understand that ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm the man,
ho, I'm the man ♪
♪ You know I'm the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho,
I'm the man You know I'm the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho,
I'm the man You know I'm the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho,
I'm the man You know I'm the man ♪
Kevin Hart: Irresponsible (2019)
Moderator: Maskath3