Kevin Hart: I'm a Grown Little Man (2009)

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Kevin Hart: I'm a Grown Little Man (2009)

Post by bunniefuu »

(Hip-hop beat)



(Loud cheering, applause)

(Hip-hop beat)



Yeah!

Yeah!

Yes!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Put the microphone

Stand down.

I ain't got me lookin'

Small out here,

Don't everybody know

The truth?

(Audience laughing)

What's going on,

Is everybody doing good?

Everybody good?

I like that.

In a good mood,

I like that.

Y'all look good.

If you're not good,

You look good.

Lot of shit is going on

In my life right now.

Just had another baby,

I got two babies now.

Just had a son--

(Audience cheering)

--Not too long ago.

Yup, they both mine.

I can't say shit about it

Either, they both mine.

Two kids,

Two car seats.

That's depressing

Right there.

You ever try and talk

To a girl

With car seats

In your car?

It won't happen,

It's depressing, man.

"“Come here, baby, let me talk

To you for a second."”

"“Uh-uh, what's that

In the back?"”

"“Bitch,

Look at me.

Don't focus on

The negative.

Just look at

The positive now,

I'm tryin'

To talk to you

About some serious

Stuff now."”

Kids, man.

Kids change

Your life.

Make you realize

How things are different.

I know I'm getting older

Now because of my kids.

I'm starting

To fuss a lot.

The older you get

That's what you do,

You just

Wake up angry.

I don't know what

The hell I be mad at, ha.

You just

Wake up mad.

When you got more

Than one kid

You just wake

Up angry.

"“Hey, who got the ah,

Thing with the shit in it,

Aight now,

Where's--aight, hey!

Heads in beds,

Right now!"”

I don't even know

What that means.

"“Heads in beds"”,

That's my shit.

(Audience laughing)

My son, I just yell

At my son

'‘Cause he nine months,

You know he's a man though,

So I yell at him

Just because.

Ha, I get mad.

Hold your head

Still, boy!

He--

(Audience laughing)

All day.

(Audience laughing)

That shit so damn

Embarrassing,

That shit piss

Me off, man.

You know how stupid

That make you look

When company come over

Your baby just--

(Audience laughing)

What's wrong with

Your baby?

I don't know, that--

Put him on his stomach,

He still

Be tryin'--

(Audience laughing)

It's my damn

Kid, though.

I didn't know that you

Can get mad at kids

To a point where

You want to fight.

That you could want

To fight a kid, man.

Kids are assholes.

Like my daughter

Is a assh*le.

(Audience laughing)

She is,

Like we argue,

Me and my daughter

Honestly argue.

She can't even talk,

She know a couple words, right,

She can put a couple

Sentences together.

But it's like every time

I tell her something

She always got

Something to say back.

It don't matter

What I say,

She always gotta

Give me something back.

And it make me mad,

We got into an argument

Over juice the other day.

She came into

The room,

She was like,

"“Daddy, juice."”

Said, "“no, you had

Enough juice,

Go get some water."”

And she looked at me,

She was like--

(Speaking gibberish)

(Audience laughing)

(Speaking gibberish)

"“Juice!"”

And I looked at her,

I--"“who the f*ck

You think you

Talkin' to?

Sit your little ass down

And get the g*dd*mn--"”

I was so mad,

I was mad because

I knew she knew

What she was tryin' to say,

She just didn't know

How to say it,

You know what

I mean?

Like, in her mind

She was like,

"“You black midget bitch,

Get the--

Get the juice,

Punk-ass daddy."”

I knew that's

What she was saying.

I could tell by

Her hand movements.

She--all this--

(Speaking gibberish)

She's like, "“you black

Midget bitch, get the--"”

I was so mad.

Wanted to punch her

Right in the throat.

(Audience laughing)

That's my damn

Baby, though.

That's my daughter, man.

I'm so protective

Of my kids, though,

I really am.

I don't even like

Taking my kids out

That much no more.

'‘Cause I get into arguments

With the other kids.

I think kids play

Too rough, I do.

Me and this boy got into

It at chuck e. Cheese.

It wasn't--

It wasn't a fight,

It was an

Altercation.

We got into

A little altercation

Because my baby

Was in the balls,

He was throwing the balls

At my daughter head.

Throwin' the balls,

Hit my daughter

Right in the head.

Bow!

My daughter so damn stupid

She thought it was a game.

She playin'.

(Audience laughing)

Ha-ha, she like,

"“Daddy, look!"”

So I'm gettin' mad, I'm like,

"“Throw a ball back!"”

I'm pissed off,

I look at my son,

He just lookin'

At the shit, he--

(Audience laughing)

I was mad at the way

My family looked as a unit.

Like we--we didn't

Look good as a unit, man,

Like--my daughter,

She takin' balls to the face,

My son shakin' his head

And slobberin', I'm small.

We look like

A f*ckin' circus act.

I was so pissed off.

I got--i've never been

So mad at my wife in my life.

I was like, "“why would you

Dress us in different colors?

We look like clowns.

From now on,

Solid colors when we go out,

We look like a team,

Solid colors."”

(Audience laughing)

My damn kids,

Though, man.

You gotta accept your--

Accept what you have.

Accept the life

That you chose.

I don't mind the pressure

That comes with kids, though.

I can take

That pressure.

I don't like the pressure

That women put on men.

I think women put way too much

Pressure on men, they do.

Y'all don't

Even realize

How much pressure

You put on men.

Is that your lady

Right there, man?

All right, how long

Y'all been together?

All right, so you know what

I mean when I say "“pressure"”.

She expects a lot

From you,

She wants you to, to provide

For her, and protect her,

Whether you realize

It or not, she do.

Like right now,

If a fire break out right now,

Big ass fire, poof!

Go up in flames,

First thing she gonna do

Is look at you.

"“Like, oh!"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Uh, hmm?"”

You gotta come up

With a plan in her mind.

You know, "“baby,

Get on my back,

I'm gonna bust us

Out of here."”

She want to--

She want to hear something

Stupid like that.

"“Bitch, you better

Stop, drop and roll,

And find

That exit.

I'm scared too."”

But that's what

Women want.

Women like

That security.

I'm a great provider,

I got money,

I can pay for stuff,

I don't mind that.

I'm not a protector.

That's where,

That's where,

I'm like not that guy,

You know what I mean?

Like women, you want

Every guy to fight for you,

That's not me,

I'm not a fighter.

I won't say

That I am,

I will never

Pretend to be.

That's not

Who I am.

Prime example, lets say me

And you go to the movies, right?

We at the movies,

We havin' a good time.

Out of nowhere

Some guy come up,

Smack you in the face

Real hard.

If you with me

Then you just got smacked,

That's something

That just--

I'm being honest,

All right?

I'm not, I'm not

Gonna do nothin' about it.

Now, we can talk about it

When we get in the car,

Let's, let's figure out

Why it happened,

And, and see

What we can do

To prevent it from

Happening again.

But, as far as me

Like just going

And doing something

About it,

I'm not gonna

f*ckin' do it.

Because if he didn't

Care about your face,

I know he don't

Give a f*ck about mine.

That's, that's

Common sense.

Two, two black eyes

Ain't gonna get us home.

Somebody got

To drive,

That's what

I'm good at.

I'm a witness,

I saw everything.

When, when he

Hit you

I got behind

The vending machine

'‘Cause I didn't want

Him to know

That we were

Together,

It's none of his business

Who I'm with.

I can't believe

He kicked you when you fell,

That, that's where

I got upset

'‘Cause you gave up.

You didn't want

To fight no more.

Why would he put

His boot to your face?

That's just

Disgusting to me.

He should be shot.

Seen too many people

Get knocked out,

That's why I don't

Like to fight, man.

You ever see somebody

Get knocked out, man?

Like knocked out,

I'm talkin' about in person.

Like you,

You witnessed

Somebody get knocked

The hell out.

It changes your opinion

On fighting, doesn't it?

When you see somebody

Get knocked out,

You don't want

To fight no more.

Like damn, that shit

Look like it hurt.

I don't, I don't know

If I want to--

I saw somebody

Get knocked out,

Me and my boy

We at a club, right?

We havin'a good time,

We partyin'.

Mm, mm, get money.

Mm, mm, get money.

We havin'

A good time, right?

Out of nowhere--

That's how we party,

'‘Cause we both small,

We don't--

I don't hang

With tall people.

It was just us.

Mm, mm--right?

So, out of nowhere

He get into an argument

With this guy

At the bar,

The guy at the bar

Got mad,

Punched my boy

In the face--bow!

Soon as he hit him,

My friend fell asleep.

(Snoring sounds)

(Audience laughing)

Now, when he woke up

He got mad at me,

He was like, "“kev, how come

You ain't get him?"”

And I was like,

"“You know what,

That's some

Selfish shit

Because I just saw

What he was capable of.

You know what I mean, like he,

He made you go to sleep,

I'm not tired,

I'm wide awake.

I took a nap.

Why would I walk right

Into that ass-whuppin'?

That's stupid.

If he hit me

And I go to sleep,

Who gonna wake

Who up,

You understand

What I'm sayin'?"”

I don't, I don't want

That problem.

Ain't nobody tryin'

To fall asleep at a bar,

That's how you

Get r*ped.

Everybody knows

The percentages of r*pe

Happen when people

Fall asleep at a bar.

I promise you.

I'm just tellin' y'all

The stuff that I know.

I saw my uncle

Get knocked out one time.

That might have been

The funniest shit

I've ever seen

In my life.

We was at

A family reunion.

First of all,

It's a family reunion,

It's a picnic.

There's kids

And shit around,

It's a time

For fun.

My uncle got drunk,

He got into an argument

With this guy

Over picnic space.

He was like, "“hey, man,

You and your kids,

Y'all not

No harts,

Y'all need to get the hell

Out this picnic space."”

And the guy was, you know,

The guy was like,

"“Look, dude,

I don't mind moving,

But don't curse at me

In front of my kids."”

And my uncle's drunk,

He went to curse again,

Before he got it out

The guy hit him.

You ever see somebody

Get hit so hard

They try to grab everything

On the way down?

(Audience laughing)

It happened

So fast,

He was like,

My uncle was like,

"“Let me tell you something,

f*ck you--"”

(Loud thump)

(Audience laughing)

The shit that

Made me laugh

Is that he was lookin' at him

The whole way down.

(Audience laughing)

I was like,

"“Just go down, fall,

Shit, man, you're messin'

Up the picnic."”

Change came out

His pocket.

I ain't never seen

Somebody get hit so hard

That change

Come out they jeans

When they

Standin' up.

You know how hard

A n*gga gotta hit you

For loose change

To come out your jeans?

Soon as he got hit,

35 Cent flew out his pocket.

It was like--

Bow, money!

I said, "“g*dd*mn.

He just knocked 35 cents

Outta uncle rich's

Jean pocket."”

I ain't never seen

Nobody get hit that hard.

These are things

That I've seen.

I've witnessed

This, man.

You gotta know who you are

As an individual,

If you're

Not a fighter,

Understand that you're

Not a fighter.

I know I'm not

A fighter,

That's why I carry

A whistle.

I'll blow the shit out of

A whistle in somebody face.

f*ck with me if you want to,

You gonna win the fight,

But you ain't gonna

Hear shit tomorrow, bitch.

(Whistling)

Put that whistle

In your face, bitch.

It's kind of hard

To fight a whistle.

Gotta know what

You're good at,

What you're

Not good at.

I'm a good arguer.

I can argue.

But I also--

You also gotta know

How to get out

Of things when you argue.

You ever argue

With somebody,

And then they get up,

And then your mind,

You know, you feel a little

Different about the fight?

You gotta know

How to get out of it,

You don't have to fight when

You don't think you gonna win.

There's certain things you

Can do to let a person know

That you're not

Ready to fight.

I was arguing

With this guy,

We at a club,

He's sittin' down,

I'm like, "“dude,"”

I said, "“you know what,

Say something else to me,

I promise you,

I'ma smack the shit

Out you.

And I mean that,

Say somethin' else,

I'ma smack the shit

Out you."”

Like, that's my

Thug look right there.

You know,

You know thugs

Get to clappin'

Their hands and stand up?

"“Say something else,

On everything I love

I'ma smack the shit

Out you, b, for real."”

And he got up,

And he was bigger

Than I thought he was.

I was like,

"“Come on,

Give me a hug,

Bring it in."”

(Audience laughing)

"“I'm serious,

This is stupid.

Come on, man.

There's no reason

For us to--

You can't fight

Nobody doing this.

Come on, man."”

There's ways to

Let people know

That you don't

Want to fight.

I got one

Fight move.

If you get past that,

I don't,

I don't know what to do,

I'm confused.

I'm gonna let y'all see some

Classified shit right now.

This is classified, okay?

This is

My fight move.

"“What?

Who you talkin' to?"”

Don't make me laugh,

This is serious.

All right?

This is serious

Right now.

I'm about to show y'all

My fight move, all right?

"“What?

Who you talkin' to?

Dude, you don't

Know me--

Don't, don't talk like

You know me!

Bitch, say somethin' else,

Say some--"”

(Audience laughing)

That's it.

(Applause)

That's it.

It's real quick.

That's classified,

All right?

I'll show y'all

One more time.

You get one more

Peek at it,

I'ma give

Y'all one more

Chance to see it,

All right?

It's real quick.

"“What?

Who you talkin' to?

Dude, you don't

Even know me.

You don't even know--

Say somethin'--

Say somethin' else!"”

That's it, that's all--

That's all it is.

It's a quick shuffle

Of the feet,

That's all I got.

If you get past that,

I'm done.

I don't know

What to do.

It confuses people.

You can either think

I'm about to kick you,

Punch you,

Happy feet,

You don't know

What it is.

It's a lot

Of different combinations

That come across

With that move.

(Scattered laughter)

(Offscreen)

-Female #1: oh shit!

-You gotta know

What you're good at

As an individual, man.

I don't know,

I'm good at seeing things,

I'm good at

Noticing things.

Like, I remember, one of my

Friends got jumped one time.

And I was with him,

I ran.

The reason why I ran,

Is because I saw it comin'.

Like you know, like, you know

When you see stuff coming,

You start to break it down

On your own?

"“Wait a min--

Oh shit, wait,

Oh no, this don't

Look good.

They look angry.

Oh!"”

I took off.

I'ma tell you what's bad

About runnin' on somebody.

It's real bad

When you run on somebody,

And they survive

The jumping.

Like, like, like--

'‘Cause then when you see '‘em,

You don't know

What to say.

Like I didn't know

What to say to him.

I was like, "“hey!

Look who's alive,

Hey, man!

How'd you make it

Out of there?

Up top!

No, nothing?

All right."”

(Audience laughing)

"“No, up top,

Nothing?

All right."”

I saw,

I saw somebody

Get kicked

In the face before,

That shit

Was funny.

I think if you get kicked

In the face you deserved it,

Because that mean

That you watched

The foot come

To your face.

Got to be

A assh*le

To fight somebody

Using they feet.

The person I saw

Get kicked in the face,

The reason why

I laughed

Is because when

He got kicked

He looked at us

For confirmation.

Like he, like he needed

Approval on what just happened.

He's like, "“ah--

Yo, shit, yo!"”

(Audience laughing)

"“It was him, yeah,

It was--"”

Better look at

His other foot

Before he kicks

You again,

He's good,

That guy's good.

He knows what

He's doing.

Would you fight somebody

Using their feet, man?

Like, if we gonna fight,

I'm gonna tell you

Put your hands up.

Put your hands up,

Let's fight.

Now, if I go

To fight you,

And you start

Stretchin'--

(Audience laughing)

That mean you know

Some shit I don't know,

I'm not gonna

Fight you.

I had a incident

Where a guy started--

Well, he tried,

He didn't use it on me,

But he was gonna

Attempt to use his feet.

I was with

My mom, right?

Me and my mom, we in

The parking lot of best buy,

I'm lookin'

For a parking space.

Now, all the spaces

Was tooken,

But there was one truck

About to back

Into this parking spot

But he was taking too long,

So I got mad,

I stole it.

I whipped into

The spot real fast.

Ah, ah.

Like, you know

When you're wrong

'‘Cause you put

Your head down,

And roll your

Windows up.

You don't want

To look at him,

You start humming--

(Humming)

(Audience laughing)

Out of nowhere,

The guy got out of the truck,

He was like,

"“Yo, man,

I know you saw me about

To back into that spot.

Either you back out,

Or we gonna have a problem."”

Chinese guy,

All right?

Now, I'm with my mom, so I

Ain't gonna be no bitch.

I was like, "“well, I guess

We got a problem."”

This is how I know

I didn't want this problem.

This is exactly

What he did to me.

He was like,

"“Oh, so we got a problem?

Hm, do we?"”

(Slapping sounds)

(Audience laughing)

"“No."”

(Audience laughing)

"“Get, get in the car,

Get in the car, mom."”

Anybody that smack they knees

Twice is an assassin.

They about to kick your

g*dd*mn temple off your face,

That's what he

About to do.

My mom trying--

"“Why we--"”

"“Get in the g*dd*mn car

Before he k*ll us, mom!"”

(Audience laughing)

Know who to fight,

And who not to fight, man.

I would love

To be a thug.

I swear I wish

I could be a thug.

I don't have

It in me.

Like, I don't have those

Thug qualities in me.

I was actually talking

To this thug dude,

I was in d.c. Not too

Long ago, right?

And, I talked

To this guy,

We might have talked

For about 15 minutes.

I swear to you,

I don't know

What we were

Talkin' about.

But he was

So passionate

About the stuff

That he was saying,

That's the only reason why

I stayed there to listen.

This is exactly what he said,

It's not even a joke,

This is exactly how

He was talkin' to me.

He's like,

"“You know what I mean?

I'm talkin' to

The dude, right,

Me and him, we talkin'--

He talkin'--

'‘Whoa, whoa, whoa,

Whoa, whoa, right, right,'

So I'm like,

'‘Ahh, ahh, right?'

You know

What I mean?

He come at me,

I'm like,

'‘Hey,' you know what

I'm saying, here.

You get that,

You know what I'm sayin',

Flip that, press that,

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Everybody getting money.

Ah, ah, bird man,

You know what I'm sayin'.

I'm talkin' and shit,

You know what I mean--

(Speaking gibberish)

(Screaming)

Right, right?

(Screeching gibberish)

You know what

I'm sayin'?

He came back--

I was like ahh!

(Purring sound)

I looked up,

He was dead."”

I said, "“whoa, what,

Wait a--wait a second."”

Back up, back--

Oh, who k*lled him?

Who--who--wait--

I was so confused

I thought I was a witness,

I said,

"“Did I see this?

Was I there?

I, I don't want

To be a part of it,

Is what I'm saying."”

I never been so afraid

In my life, man.

(Audience laughing)

I just don't do good

With thug stuff.

Thug activity.

I had one thug dude

Tell me

He was gonna pop the trunk

On me one time.

He's like,

"“Say somethin' else,

I'm gonna pop the trunk

On your bitch ass."”

Everybody ran.

I was like,

"“Well, where'd you park?"”

(Audience laughing)

He looked at me

Like I was crazy.

"“Man, get out

Of there!"”

"“I just wanted to know

How far it was, I can--

I might not have

To run,

We could catch a train

And still get home."”

(Scattered laughter)

Wish I could be

A rapper or some shit.

I really do.

You know why I can't be

A rapper, though, man?

'‘Cause my voice

Ain't deep enough.

To be a rapper

You need a deep voice,

That's the only way

People gonna want

To listen to you

On a regular basis.

I don't think nobody

Would buy my album

'‘Cause my voice

Is too small.

♪ Yeah, bitch,

I'm a k*ller ♪

♪ I sh**t you

In your face ♪

♪ Pew-pew ♪

♪ Everybody

Gonna die ♪

♪ Pew-pew ♪

♪ Everybody gonna

Die tonight ♪

"“Did he just say,

'‘Pew-pew'?

I'm not buying that shit

If he said '‘pew-pew',

Ain't no way i--"”

Certain shit just

Keeps you from being tough.

You want

To know what's

Really keeping me

From being tough?

Look at this,

This is really holding me back,

Look at this shit here,

Look at this.

Look at this shit,

Look at this shit here.

This is really

f*ckin' me up, man.

'‘Cause ain't nothin'

Tough about this,

It don't matter

What you say,

Ain't nobody gonna

Take you serious

If you swing

Your feet.

It don't matter.

I will k*ll everybody

In this bitch tonight!

I ain't f*ckin'

Playin' wit' y'all,

Y'all think

It's a game?

No, I'm sick of it,

I'm sick of the way

People treat me

Around here.

Would you to talk to a guy

Who swung his feet?

You at the club

And I try to talk to you.

"“Come here, baby, let me

Holla at you for a second.

You, girl, you know

Damn well who I'm talkin' to.

Wait a second,

Let me climb down

And get my feet together,

Wait a minute now!"”

Rappers make me

Laugh, though.

I swear rappers

Are funny, man.

You ever see

Rappers freestyle?

Like when the be

Battling each other?

You ever notice

The more angry a rapper get,

The higher his

Hands get?

You ever

Notice that?

Like, like they

Start off so calm,

Like, there's rappers

When they freestyle,

Like the dude

Just a dude,

When he be listening

To the other guy.

(Audience laughing)

"“You ready?"”

"“No, I got him,

I got him, b."”

Ha, wait, this is really

How they be, look, look.

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

♪ Real talk ♪

Wait, look--

(Audience laughing)

(Applause)

Hey, ha, is that--

Is that a rapper?

I'm really trying to be

A rapper right now.

Like this, this--

This is the real

Angry rapper.

♪ Real talk ♪

♪ I k*ll n*gg*s ♪

♪ I slay n*gg*s

That don't love it ♪

♪ n*gga you want

To beat me to get it ♪

♪ I get it back ♪

Oh shit!

(Applause, cheering)

The other dude,

He's so confused,

"“Oh shit,

This n*gga's crazy,

He's about to--"”

He be trying to

Follow his hands,

"“He's like, he's crazy!

He's about to k*ll me,

He's gonna cut me

Or something.

I can't be

That guy, man.

I want to be.

There's so much stuff

That I wanted to do

That I'm realizing now

That I can't do.

Like I wanted

To be a singer,

I wanted to be a r&b singer

For a long time.

But I can't sing

But I can dance my ass off.

If anybody in here

Is trying to be a singer,

I'm about to tell you what

You need to know to make it.

All right?

Here's some more

Classified stuff.

All you need to

Know how to do

Is open your hands,

Close '‘em, and point.

That's it.

I know it sound crazy,

Y'all like, what?

But I'm tellin' y'all,

It look good, watch this.

I'm not gonna

Sing nothin',

But tell me

This don't look

Like I'm about

To say some stuff.

Look at this.

(Audience laughing)

(Audience cheering)

"“Oh shit!

He gonna

Say something!

What he gonna

Say, girl?"”

That, or the slide out.

You know what

The slide out is?

You ever see

A old group,

When an old group

Be in the thing,

Like the temptations

Or somebody,

You never know

Who the lead singer is

So they slide out,

And they be like this.

They slide out

And start singing on you.

That's the best

Shit ever.

'‘Cause they be

Talkin' shit.

They like, "“these b*tches

Don't even know

What's about

To hit '‘em.

I'm about to

Slide out on '‘em."”

♪ Ooh ♪

He's good, this guy's good,

He's good.

(Audience laughing)

I was workin' out

And everything.

Serious about

My singing career.

Had to stop

Workin' out,

Some naked guy tried

To talk to me in the gym,

I ain't like that.

He was ass-naked trying to

Have a conversation with me

While I was

At my locker.

I'm gettin' my stuff

Out my locker,

He came up to me,

He's like,

"“Hey, man, so how long

You been a member?"”

And I said,

"“Why is your d*ck hard?

What kind of gym

Is this?

What's about to

Happen, man?"”

I got

A little butt,

That's the first thing

I think about.

I didn't have

My whistle,

If I had my whistle,

I would've felt better.

I didn't want to ask for

A hug '‘cause he was hard,

I don't want that shit

Pokin' me in the bellybutton,

That's kind of like

Intercourse a little bit.

I didn't want

To feel that.

I might have

Been gay.

You put it in

My bellybutton, I'm gay.

"“You gay?"”

"“Yeah, he put it

In my bellybutton,

That's gotta

Be gay!"”

(Audience laughing)

I'm serious,

I'm just tellin' y'all

The stuff that

I know,

These are things that

I've been through, man.

I really was serious

About working out.

You honestly

Want to know why

I stopped going to

The gym though?

I saw one of them

Real strong guys.

You ever see those

Real big dudes,

Real huge,

I'm sayin' no neck.

Just be in the gym

Workin' out.

I saw him one day

And I just got mad,

I was like, "“dude, why are

You still here?

That's it, you won!

You--you got

'‘Em all.

What are you--

Like why are you still here?"”

Like, y'all don't understand

How mad that make me,

When you that big

For no reason.

Like if you gonna

Get that big,

There's gotta be a reason,

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, when I ask you

Why you workin' out,

You should tell me,

"“I'm training

For the olympics,

I'm about to enter

The strongman competition."”

Something.

There's gotta be

A f*ckin' reason.

But when you that big

And you work for t-mobile

And you answer

The phones,

You strong,

You sit,

You can't even

Handle the headset--

"“Thank, thank you

For call--?

Hello?

Hello?

Thank your for

Calling--hello?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Thank you--ahhh!"”

(Audience laughing)

You just--just start

Moving shit

Around the office

'‘Cause you're so--

(Screaming)

"“Thank you for

Calling t-mobile!"”

Sit your strong,

Unproductive ass down, man!

Strong as shit

With a headset,

They done went through

37 Headsets this month,

'‘Cause your hands

Too f*ckin' strong for--

Ahh--boss, another one.

(Audience laughing)

That's five today, boss.

Take '‘em out

My check.

I don't know how to use

The equipment either.

I don't know how to use

None of the equipment, man.

'‘Cause the equipment

Gettin' too serious now.

Like, there was a time

When it was regular,

You knew what it was,

It said the instructions,

Now they got all those

Universal machines and stuff.

I was tryin' to work

My legs the other day,

And you know the leg,

You know the leg machine

That, that goes

Like this,

Like you sit on it,

You go--ah, ah!

You know what

I'm talkin' about?

Well, I get there

And it was reclined down.

Like, it was all

Flat on one level,

So I thought

It was arms,

So I said, "“okay,

I'm gonna work my arms."”

(Audience laughing)

My face was burnin'

And everything,

I was like, "“i'm doing

Something right, you know?"”

So I got up,

And when I got up

Some guy came and sat down

Right where my face was

He w--he was like,

"“Hey, man--"”

I tried to tell him,

I was like,

"“Hey, you doing that wrong,

That's arms."”

He's like, "“no,

This is legs."”

And I said, "“so that's,

That's why my face is burning

'‘Cause I been smellin' people's

Balls all g*dd*mn--"”

I was so pissed off

'‘Cause I did three sets.

He watched me do

Three sets.

He just, he just

Stood by the machine,

"“There you go,

Mm-hm, that's it.

Pull it up,

Pull it up!"”

(Audience laughing)

Smacked me on the ass

And everything,

"“Come on now!

It's your last set,

Pull it!"”

(Scattered laughter)

Didn't like that.

I don't--i don't

Like those guys

That try to make a scene

At the gym either.

You ever see

The guys just trying

To get everybody

To look at '‘em

Before they

Lift something?

Like, I'm on

The treadmill, right?

I'm walkin'

On the treadmill.

For some reason,

I can't run.

I don't know what it is,

So I just walk.

I be on my blackberry,

I just people watch, right?

But there's this guy,

He was either going to jail

Or he just got out,

It was one or the other.

Like he was,

He was one of those bigs,

Like the little

Big, right?

He--this, this is the weight

Bench right here, right?

This is the weight bench.

He had like three

45 Plates right here,

He had three

45 Plates here.

But he didn't want

To lift it

Until he knew everybody

In the gym was lookin' at him.

This, this is exactly

What he was doing.

He's like,

"“All right--"”

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

(Clapping, smacking sounds)

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

(Audience laughing)

(Clapping)

(Audience laughing)

(Audience laughing loudly)

I was just lookin',

I was like,

"“Oh, he about

To do this shit.

He gonna do it."”

He never did it,

He just left.

He just walked

Out the door.

(Audience laughing)

Who does that?

Who gets somebody

That excited

And then don't

Finish it?

I was pissed off,

Why would you play

With me like that

And then

Not lift it?

(Scattered laughter)

I was really trying

To get big, man,

I was serious

About the gym.

You know something else

I thought the gym

Was gonna do

For me, though,

I thought the gym

Was gonna help me mentally.

Had a lot of mental stuff

I was trying to get over.

Phobias and stuff.

And I said, "“you know,

You get a little bigger,

Feel better

About yourself,

You don't worry about

The stuff you're afraid of."”

Got any phobias?

(Offscreen)

-Male #1: not that I

Can think of.

-Not that you

Can think of.

You ain't scared

Of nothin', huh?

You ever wake up and a alligator

In your room or some shit?

(Audience laughing)

Bet you'd be

Scared of that,

You wake up ass-naked,

d*ck swinging,

"“Hey, baby!

Get a blanket,

Get a blanket!"”

That's a bad

Feeling right there.

I'm afraid of

A lot of stuff, man.

Everything I'm afraid of I'm

Afraid of for a reason though.

I don't want y'all thinking,

"“Oh, I think it's funny,

I'll just say I'm afraid

Of some stuff."”

Like something's happened

To me and that's why

I'm afraid of the stuff

That I'm afraid of.

Like, I don't,

I don't like gorillas.

I'm real scared

Of gorillas.

(Audience laughing)

I am, '‘cause it was

Daddy day,

I was at the zoo,

It's me and my babies,

You know what I'm saying,

I'm by myself.

Got my, my son in my arm,

My daughter right here,

We looking

At the gorillas.

And when I'm looking

At the gorillas

I'm trying to explain

To my daughter

What a gorilla is,

You know?

While I'm talkin'

The gorilla

Smacked the glass

Real hard.

I'm talkin' about

Hard as shit, like--

(Audience laughing)

You know, I'm talkin'

To my baby, my baby--

"“That's a silverback

Gorilla.

Okay, they call it

The silverback

'‘Cause it's got

A silver thing

Going down

Its back."”

And while I'm talkin',

The gorilla's like--

Smacked the shit

Out the glass.

In my mind,

He just got loose.

I was like,

"“He's out."”

(Audience laughing)

I never got out the zoo

So fast in my life.

I mean like, dude,

I was haul-assing out the zoo.

But like, you know

When you running

And you think somebody

About to catch you

And you feel it

On your neck?

Like, I was running

But I felt something,

I was like,

"“Oh, shit!

The gorilla about

To grab me,"”

'‘Cause it felt like

Somebody was doing this,

And I was like

"“I gotta do something,

I gotta get

The gorilla off me,"”

I didn't know

What to do,

I panicked,

So I dropped my baby.

I was like, "“ah!"”

(Audience laughing)

Made it look like

An accident.

Ahh!

They're like,

"“You dropped your baby!"”

I was like,

"“Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh!"”

I had to save myself,

I didn't like that.

I'm serious.

Ha.

Very, very serious.

That's where I'm at though,

Man, I don't--

I'm just scared

Of a lot of shit.

I don't like gnats,

I'm scared of gnats.

(Audience laughing)

I am--you know what

I'm talkin' about,

Little ass

Gnats, right?

'‘Cause me

And my mom,

We was in

A park, right?

I was like

Nine years old,

And I walked into

A bushel of '‘em.

And you ever see gnats

When they fly together,

It's like a thousand gnats

In a circle.

Well, I walked into

That shit and I panicked.

I didn't know,

I didn't know what to do.

I stayed there--

"“Ah, ah!"”

(Screaming)

(Buzzing sounds)

(Screaming)

(Audience laughing)

All my mom had to do

Was grab my hand

And pull me out

The gnats.

My mom's so

Damn dramatic,

My mom made it worse

'‘Cause she start yelling.

She--"“somebody get

My baby out the gnats!

The gnats eatin'

My baby!

Jesus, please!"”

When I heard jesus

I thought it was real.

(Screaming)

Thought they

Was eatin' me.

Punched this girl

In the face

Because of a gnat

One time.

(Audience laughing)

Then, me and this girl

Was talkin',

We was having a real

Intimate conversation.

While we was talkin',

A gnat flew by.

And i, I was trying

To get rid of the gnat,

But she was

So close,

She caught

The worst of it.

Like you know,

We were talking,

I'm like, "“yeah, baby, you kno,

You should come over after."”

She was like,

"“All right, I don't mind."”

I said, "“well, look,

I'm parked right here,

Just pull around,

That way you can follow me.

Yeah, matter fact,

I tell you what--"”

(Loud smacking sounds)

(Audience laughing)

I looked up,

She was like, "“ahh!"”

"“You didn't see

That big ass gnat?

Gnat tried to

Lay a egg on my face,

It was

A pregnant gnat,

I know a pregnant gnat

When I see one.

Pregnant gnat tried

To k*ll me."”

I'm just tellin' y'all

What I know,

I've seen it.

This all happened

To me, man.

I don't like dolphins,

I'm scared of dolphins.

(Audience laughing)

I am, me and my wife,

We was in maui, right?

We in maui, she was like,

"“Come on, babe,

We should go swim

With the dolphins."”

I was like,

"“Nah, I told you

How I feel about

Them dolphins."”

She was like, "“come on,

Stop being a bitch,

Let's just do it."”

(Audience laughing)

I was like,

"“Don't call me no bitch."”

She was like,

"“Bitch!"”

"“Man, whatever."”

And you know we

Don't got a comeback,

So you just gotta--

"“She stupid."”

That's all I had.

I didn't have

Nothing else to say.

So we go, we go,

We get there.

They got the dolphins

In this t*nk.

There's like eight dolphins

In this t*nk, right?

When I get there,

I see this old lady

On the back

Of a dolphin,

I see this little boy,

And I'm like,

"“You know what, babe,

I might have

Been overreacting.

Get the camera,

Take some pictures of me

On the back

Of a dolphin."”

I was hyped, right?

(Claps)

I get

In the water,

I'm on back

Of the dolphin,

The instructor,

He was like,

"“As soon as you

Grab the dolphin fin,

Dolphin gonna start

Taking you around.

So whenever you ready

Grab its fin."”

I was like, "“all right,

Cool, I'm ready."”

Soon as I grab

My dolphin fin,

My dolphin went straight

To the bottom of the t*nk.

Like he just,

He just went down.

So, so because

I was scared,

I didn't let go,

I held on.

Like--you know

When you scared

How you start to mentally

Create shit in your own mind?

I was like,

"“Okay, it's obvious

That I got

A r*cist dolphin.

He don't--he don't

Like black people.

He done, he done cut

A deal with a shark,

Bring him a black

Piece of meat,

Something bad

About to happen, right?

So I let go,

I get to the top.

When I let go,

I'm so scared

I start snappin'

On the instructor

As soon as

I see him.

I was like,

"“Nobody saw f*ckin'

Dolphin number eight

Missing, huh?

Huh?

Y--y'all

Didn't notice

I was gone for

Like 30 seconds?

He tried

To k*ll me!

He tried

To k*ll me!"”

I was mad, yo,

I was so f*ckin' scared,

I like, "“y'all see the old lad,

And the little boy,

But nobody saw the black

f*ckin' swirl missing, huh?

Nobody noticed that the black

Dot wasn't going around?

Y'all didn't

Notice that?"”

He's like,

"“Calm down, man.

Calm down!

It's three feet,

Just stand up."”

I was like, "“what?

What'd he say?"”

I didn't even realize

That I was walkin'

And talkin' shit

At the same time.

Come to find out,

I never even

Went underwater.

What happened was

Some water

Splashed in my face

And I panicked.

"“Oh, oh, oh!"”

Made it up,

Made it all up.

(Audience laughing)

I was scared.

I never lied that fast

In my life.

He was r*cist though,

I know he was r*cist.

You know how I know

He was r*cist?

'‘Cause when I got

Out the water,

You now know how

Dolphins like--

(Dolphin sounds)

They be doing that, like--

Well, he looked at me,

He's like, "“n*gga, n*gga--"”

And I was like,

"“W-what?"”

Blew my whistle

In his face.

I don't play

That shit.

He don't work there,

I got him fired.

(Audience laughing)

I know people.

What else

Don't I like?

I don't like

Ostriches.

I'm scared

Of ostriches.

For those people who don't

Know what a ostrich is,

It's a big ass bird,

That's the same size as me.

The birds

Are huge, okay?

I'm in nebraska,

Doing a show in nebraska,

I had to pee,

So I'm on the side

Of the road,

I'm peeing, right?

I get done peeing,

I look to my left,

It's a big ass ostrich

Lookin' at me while I'm peein'.

He was standing

On one leg like this,

His body was facing

This way,

But his head,

His head was like this.

(Audience laughing)

Now, I didn't know

What it was

So I didn't

Say anything.

My friend got out the car,

He's like, "“yo, what's that?"”

I was like,

"“I don't know.

Looks like a big ass

Man pigeon,"”

I don't know, I don't know

What it is, right?

He's like,

"“That ain't no man pigeon."”

I was like,

"“It is a man pigeon."”

He took a pen,

He threw a ink pen

At it, right?

Soon as he threw

The pen at it,

Hit the ostrich

In the chest.

Soon as he hit

The ostrich,

His other leg

Came down.

His body was still

Facing this way,

But his head,

His head was still like this.

Now, when it--

When his leg came down,

This is when

The bitch

Started to come out

In me a little bit.

I was like,

"“You know what,

We should um,

We should,

We should probably

Go get back in the car

Because, because we don't

Really know what that means."”

You know what I mean, like that,

That could be a sign.

That could mean like,

"“You got 10 seconds

To get the f*ck

Out my face

Before I k*ll you.

I'm gonna eat

Your kids."”

We don't,

We don't know

What he's trying

To say,

So let's just get back

In the car we safe at.

So we get back

In the car,

Soon as we get in the car

I start laughing,

I'm like, "“ah-ha-ha-ha,

You a bitch, man."”

Like, "“no,

You a bitch."”

"“No, no,

You a bitch."”

I'm laughin', I'm driving

Like 30 miles per hour.

I look out

The passenger window,

The ostrich

Was running

30 Miles per hour

Beside the car.

His body was still

Facing this way,

But his head

Was still like this.

And he was

Haul-assin'--

(Audience laughing)

--At 30 miles

Per hour.

Now, when

I'm scared--

Like if I'm real,

Real scared,

I get emotional.

I, I'll start to cry

If I'm real, real scared.

So I got

A little emotional,

You know, I looked

At my friend,

I was like,

"“Why would you--

Why would you throw

A pen at it

If, if, if we, if we don't

Even know what it is?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“No, no, no,

I'm not sayin' that.

I'm sayin' like,

I'm sayin',

We don't even know

What it is."”

(Hysterical screaming)

He's like,

"“Dude, stop bitchin',

Speed up,

Speed up."”

I lie to y'all not,

I started driving

Like 60 miles

Per hour.

When I tell y'all

That this ostrich

Was running

60 Miles per hour,

I'm not bullshittin'.

His body was still

Facing this way,

But his head

Was still like this.

He was running so--

You couldn't even

See his legs

He was going

So f*ckin' fast.

He was,

He was moving.

And the reason why

I was so scared,

Was because he never

Looked in front of him.

Like, he didn't care

About a wall,

Another ostrich,

He was just lookin' at us.

But the way he was

Lookin' at us,

It was like

He was sayin',

"“When I catch y'all,

I'ma f*ck both y'all up."”

Over a pen.

Over a g*dd*mn pen.

And I was like,

"“Why don't you

Just apologize?"”

You know what

I'm sayin'--like?

'‘Cause I didn't throw

The pen, I was scared.

That's the only time I ever

Shitted on myself in my life.

(Audience laughing)

I've never shitted

On myself,

But I let go

That time.

I let loose,

I really did.

'‘Cause I had, I had to go,

I really did.

No, I shitted

On myself before.

This guy tried

To stick me up,

This guy came at me

With a g*n,

"“He's like give me

Your money, bitch!

All of it,

Run it."”

I was like,

"“Come on, man,

I, I hav--ah."”

He was like,

"“What's that smell?"”

I was like,

"“I shitted."”

He's like,

"“Get your ass outta here,

Ain't nobody want

To smell that

While they takin'

Your money, man."”

(Audience laughing)

I was honest,

That's what it's about.

(Scattered laughter)

I think that's probably why

Women don't respect me,

'‘Cause I'm so honest,

Seriously.

My wife don't

Respect me,

I know she don't.

You feel like your lady

Respect you, man?

Y'all ever fight?

No?

Never fist fought--

Like fist fight,

Like a good one.

Never?

(Audience laughing)

You've never tried

To hit him, ever?

No?

You tried

To hit him?

I'm tellin' you somethin', man,

I'm being honest with you.

I promote

Domestic v*olence.

I think, I think

If you're in a rel--

No, I know

It sound crazy,

I'm tell y'all

Some real stuff.

I think if you're

In a relationship

And your women has never

Tried to hit you,

She don't love you.

Any woman that

Love you

Is gonna try to hurt you

At some point in time

When you make

Her mad.

That's how you know

When you got a good woman.

I don't mind that.

I don't like hypocrites.

I don't like women

That are hypocrites.

Like, any female

That'll like dare a man

To hit her

For three hours

And then act surprised

When he do it.

I don't,

I don't like that.

(Audience laughing)

I don't, I don't like that--

You ever see that?

You ever see a woman

Talk all that shit,

And then act like

She don't know

Where the consequences

Came from?

"“Yeah, yeah,

Let me tell you something.

I wish you would

Put your hands on me.

No, no, no, no.

I wish you would--

No, no, see, let me

Tell you something,

See, you think I'm one

Of these regular b*tches

That won't fight you back,

That's what you think.

But let me tell you something,

I promise you, boo-boo!"”

(Audience laughing)

Hey, you ever

Have a girl

Slow down on

You like that?

"“But let me tell

You something.

I promise you,

Boo-boo,

It's not gonna go down

The way you thinking.

No, don't be

A bitch.

Don't be a bitch

And walk away.

Come back,

Put your hands on me,

Watch what I do."”

(Slapping sound)

(Screaming)

"“You crazy!

Help!"”

He not crazy,

He just tired of you

Talkin' shit

For three hours,

That's all

That is.

Women, y'all know how

To push them buttons, man.

Y'all talented.

Women, y'all got

A different level.

Like y'all press--

Y'all push men

To a different

Level of anger.

Like, you ever

Get so mad

When you argue

With a girl

That you can't

Find the words

So you gotta

Make a noise?

You--the word

Is right there,

But you can't

Get it out.

"“Bitch, first of all,

I'm tryin' to do--

I got all the,

Ah, stuff--

Ooh!

Shit!

Girl!"”

You don't know where

That noise came from,

You never made

That noise ever in life.

(Scattered laughter)

They make you get

To those points.

You ever outline

A girl?

You know what

That is?

It's where you put your hands

Around your lady's face.

You don't want

To hit her,

You just want to show her

What you could do.

It's a scare tactic.

It's real fast.

"“Bitch, say somethin'

Else, I swear to god, i--"”

That's all it is,

It's real quick.

"“Say another,

I swear to god I'll--"”

(Audience laughing)

Your threats don't

Even make sense.

"“I'll put your stomach

In your face

And make you

Eat yourself."”

"“What?

What'd you say?

Stomach in your face,

Make you eat yourself?"”

(Scattered laughter)

Every woman knows how

To push a man's buttons.

That's what y'all

Are good at.

You know how

To make your man mad.

You know how to

Piss him off.

You know what to say

To make him mad.

He could argue with

Any other woman in here,

He not gonna care

What they got to say.

He be like,

"“Shut up, beat it,

Get out my face."”

You know how to

Get a reaction.

"“f*ck you, terrence.

f*ck you and your

Third ball!"”

"“What?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“My third--don't talk

About my third ball!

That doctor said it's a possible

Medical condition!

It could be cancer!"”

He don't like that.

You--you know how to get

Those reactions outta him.

Like, you know what my wife

Do to make me mad?

I don't like it when

She sing when she get mad.

I can't stand that.

I can't stand that

When women get so emotional

They start singing

When they get mad.

♪ You ain't gonna

Do shi-i-i-it ♪

♪ n*gga-a-a ♪

♪ You ain't gonna

Do shi-i-i-it ♪

♪ You ain't gonna

Do shit ♪

♪ You ain't gonna

Do it ♪

♪ You ain't gonna

Do shit ♪

You just gotta,

Just gotta sit there

With the "“you ain't

Gonna do shit"” face.

(Audience laughing)

That's, that's the face

That say,

You ain't got

Nothin' left.

(Audience laughing)

That's what women do.

Women, you play

Mind games.

Start forgiving men

For stuff,

And after you

Forgive '‘em,

Then forgettin'

That you forgave '‘em,

And talk

About the shit

That you already

Forgave '‘em for,

And gettin'

Mad about it.

Stop doin' that.

You forgave him,

Forgive him.

There's nothing worse

Than being a man

That messed up

In the past,

And you trying

To correct yourself,

But your woman

Keep bringing the past up.

So now every time

You tell the truth,

It sound like

You lying,

And when

You lying,

It sound like you

Tellin' the truth.

I'm saying,

It's at the point

In my relationship

Where I'm afraid for my wife

To hear me

Have fun.

I be tryin' to shut

Fun down.

Like, when she not around,

And she call me,

I get mad at

My friends.

"“Shut the f*ck up,

Everybody, shut up!

Look, put your

Seatbelts on,

Buckle up, every--!

Put your

Seatbelt on,

I don't know where she is,

Look safe!"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Look straight ahead

Until we figure this out.

She's crazy."”

That's what

Women do.

I'ma tell you how you

Can tell a battered man.

Want to know how

You can tell a man

Has been through

So much emotionally,

When you

Speak to him,

Whenever you speak

To a man

And he start talking

About his relationship

Without you asking

Anything about it,

That's a battered man.

Soon as you meet him,

"“Hey, how you doing?"”

"“My wife and I

Go camping every week."”

"“What?"”

"“She likes

Cheerios, too!"”

"“What are

You talk--?"”

He's battered, he think that

You one of her friends,

And she sent you

To come talk to him.

He think

It's a set up.

He's so crazy,

He thinkin' five steps

Ahead of you

'‘Cause he don't

Know what's what.

(Audience laughing)

I'm just being

Honest with y'all,

I'm telling y'all things

That really go on.

Tell you somethin'

Else, fellas.

Know when to fight

Your woman,

And when not to

Fight your woman, okay?

Whenever you in a car,

Don't fight your woman.

Not while you drive.

Reason why, '‘cause your

Face is open, okay?

(Audience laughing)

You don't have

Any defense.

I'm telling

You guys from--

I'm telling you guys

From, from my past,

I'm telling you about things

I've went through, okay?

You don't want

To do it.

This is when I first

Found out my lady was crazy.

We was on the highway

And she hit me.

First of all,

Anybody that hits you

When you on an expressway

Of any kind,

Don't care about

They life,

Let's, let's get

That out, okay?

We on the highway,

We coming from an event.

You know, my kids

In the backseat,

And we arguing,

I'm like,

"“You know what

Your problem is,

You don't respect me

As a man, okay?

Until you respect me

As a man,

We gonna always

Have problems.

That's why we

Fight so much.

And I'm--honestly,

I'm thinking about

Puttin' my hands

On you.

Keep on,

And I'm--

I'ma show you

What that feel like,

'‘Cause you stupid,

And you act--"”

(Thumping sounds)

(Audience laughing)

Oh!

Oh!

I-i never been so afraid

For my life, dude.

She tryin'

To k*ll me.

I looked in the back,

My daughter was like--

(Speaking gibberish)

(Audience laughing)

Done turned my baby

Against me and everything.

(Scattered laughter)

You gotta know.

Gotta know your woman.

Fellas, don't be afraid

To be a man, fellas.

I don't care what

You're going through

In your relationship,

Don't be afraid

To be a man.

Stop being yes men.

No woman wants

A yes man.

Don't think

That's gonna

Make your,

Your relationship better

Because you agree with

Your woman all the time.

It's not gonna make

Your relationship better.

It makes you

Look stupid.

You just saying "“yes"”

All the g*dd*mn time.

"“Huh?

Yeah."”

(Audience laughing)

"“Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, what do

You need?

Yeah, I'll get it,

Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, yeah.

No, no, I'll go now,

Yeah, I'll get it.

Yeah.

What do you need?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, no,

I'll get it now.

I'll pick it up.

Yeah.

What?

No, I just left,

You want me to go back?

Yeah, I'll go back."”

f*g, f*ckin' get

Some balls.

Be a man!

Argue.

That's what you in

A relationship for,

You're in your

Relationship to argue.

That's what men

Are there for, we argue.

Even when you wrong.

Argue.

I've been caught

Red-handed several times.

Argue.

You want to know how you

Win every single argument?

Be loud.

That's all

You gotta do.

Women can't

Handle that.

Women can't handle

When a man's voice

Gets past

A certain level.

They break down.

They don't know

What to do.

I been caught.

Just mean

What you say.

And after you say it,

Walk out.

You can't

Stick around.

You gotta,

You gotta--

(Audience laughing)

If you stick around

You give '‘em a chance

To come back

And confuse you.

Say your point,

Get the f*ck out the room.

Go!

(Audience laughing)

"“Kevin, I saw you!

I saw you, kevin!

I saw the bitch

In your car!

You gonna tell me

I didn't see you?

I saw the bitch

In your car!"”

"“Bitch, shut up!

Shut the f*ck up, man!

Every time I come

In the house

You got the microwave

On, huh?

f*ck you!"”

Walk out, bam.

(Audience laughing)

Don't, don't--

You can't give

Her a chance.

She just gonna

Be standin' there like,

"“What--i?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“I thought, I thought

He liked it

When I used

The microwave, I just--

I don't, I don't

Understand him

Or what he wants

From me anymore.

I don't understand."”

(Audience laughing)

I remember one time we got into

An argument over a giraffe.

Swear to god,

We were talking about money.

You know, she was

Mad at me,

She was like,

"“You spending too much money.

I'm tired of you

Going out to these clubs,

Spending all this money

On all your little girls,

That money need to be

Spent with your family."”

I was like,

"“Shut up, don't tell me

What to do with my money,

It's my money.

If I want to

Go buy a giraffe,

I'll go buy

A damn giraffe, okay?"”

I was trying to

Be a smartass,

I'm being a smartass,

I'm thinking it's over.

Out of nowhere

She was like,

"“You ain't gonna buy

No giraffes in this house."”

That's, that's when

I lost it.

"“Ah, I bet I do buy

A damn giraffe in this house.

Tell me I won't buy

No damn giraffe.

I'll go on

Right now, and have that

Giraffe here tomorrow,

Teach that giraffe how

To headbutt the f*ck out you.

Tell me I won't

Get no giraffe."”

I tried to get one,

You can't get '‘em.

It's hard to

Get a giraffe.

(Audience laughing)

It is.

I swear I was gonna

Have that giraffe

Right outside my house,

Just walking.

(Audience laughing)

Just walk, just walking

My giraffe.

(Scattered laughter)

You know the move that

You can't ever fall for?

"“All I gotta do."”

You ever hear

That shit?

"“All I gotta

Do is--"”

I fell for that

Shit one time,

'‘Cause we don't know

What you're talking about.

"“All I gotta do

Is crimp my hair."”

We don't know what

The f*ck a crimp is.

"“Oh, that's it?"”

Just--he just stupid,

"“Oh, okay.

Yeah, all right--"”

(Audience laughing)

Dumbass man.

"“Yeah, cool,

All right."”

(Audience laughing)

Been in the bathroom

Five damn days.

"“I thought you

Had to crimp it?"”

"“That's what

I'm doing!"”

Then they flip it

On you.

You ever have

A woman flip it on you?

"“I thought you said

You was gonna be quick?"”

"“Well, I can't do it

If you in my face!

Let me do it!"”

"“All right, yeah,

All right, cool.

All right.

Let's go out,

I'll let you crimp it.

Sorry."”

(Audience laughing)

Just telling you

What I know.

This is from

Experience.

But women,

At the same time,

You gotta understand

Your man.

You gotta know when

To leave your man alone.

Men give signs just

Like women give signs.

If your husband,

Or your boyfriend

Drives a minivan,

Leave him alone.

(Audience laughing)

Any man that drives

A minivan,

Does not care

About life.

He don't give

A f*ck.

He don't.

Every time he slide

That long ass door closed

He, he is cursing you

The f*ck outta his mind.

"“Stupid ass bitch

Got me driving

A driving a g*dd*mn

Ambulan--sit down!

Sit the hell down!

Thomas, eat another booger

Off that windshield,

I'll k*ll you.

I hate my life."”

I'll tell you

The real sign,

Like if your man wears

Sweatpants with no pockets,

That's a sign.

Any man that doesn't

Have pockets

Don't care

About life.

You ever go a day

Without pockets?

Think about how important

Your pockets are.

That means you don't

Care about change,

Receipts, your wallet,

You don't care!

You don't

Believe me?

Try to get a man

That don't have pockets

To wear pockets.

Watch how mad

He get.

I tried to get my dad

To wear pockets one time,

We was going

To church.

I was like, "“dad, come on,

Man, we going to church,

Put some pants

With pockets on."”

He's like, "“what the f*ck

I need pockets for?

She took everything!"”

"“All right.

Ha-ha, all right."”

(Audience laughing)

"“Dad, you can use

My pockets, dad.

This n*gga's crazy,

He done lost

His g*dd*mn mind

If he gonna s*ab on me

About pockets."”

He--yeah, that family

Reunion laugh right there.

(Throaty laughter)

Sound like he--like he

Gargling beer right now.

(Throaty laughter)

(Audience laughing)

Them thug dudes, b,

You ever see a thug dude?

When they don't

Want to laugh.

(Stifled laughter)

(Audience laughing)

"“Cous', get the f*ck

Out of here now."”

But he trying--

(Stifled laughter)

(Audience laughing)

Ha.

(Audience laughing)

They just be trying to cover up

They laughs real quick.

"“Go ahead, n*gga,

Everybody come here--"”

(Garbled speaking)

(Audience laughing)

"“Not that funny, cuz,

Not that funny.

Trying to

k*ll you, n*gga.

k*ll you."”

(Scattered laughter)

I talk all this stuff

About relationships,

But you know what,

I like mine the way it is.

I do.

I like drama,

I'm attracted to drama.

I think if you're in

A relationship drama's good.

I couldn't deal

With no happy woman.

Could you

Deal with her

If she was happy

All the time?

Every time

You come home

She got some

Happy shit to say.

Think about it,

Soon as you walk in the door

She just happy.

Soon as

You come home,

"“Oh my god,

Who's home?

You are,

You are!"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Woo!

Tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle!"”

"“Sit your stupid

Ass down!

I got fired today,

You want to tickle

Some-g*dd*mn-body,

Sit down!

Stupid ass!"”

Ha!

Ain't nobody want

To deal with that shit.

Drama.

Tryin' to s*ab me.

(Audience laughing)

Ever have a woman

Pull a knife out on you?

That's some

Sexy shit right there.

"“Bitch, put the--

Hey, I'm not playing now,

Put the f*ckin' knife--

You think--

Hey, do it again!

Oh!

Shit, you got me!

Yeah, that time

You really got there.

We should go to

The hospital."”

(Audience laughing)

You know what it is,

I don't,

I don't like the whole

Datin' game though.

That's why I accept

My situation.

See a bunch of couples

Here now,

Like, y'all

Just dating.

I don't like dating.

You know why

I don't like dating?

I try to impress

Women too much.

That's my problem.

I went out,

Bought this big ass truck

Just to try

And impress women.

I didn't know

That everybody

Looked tall

In a truck, though.

And you don't notice

Somebody small

Until they get out

The truck.

I had to find out

The hard way

'‘Cause I like

To flirt.

I'm at the stoplight,

I saw this girl,

I was like,

"“Damn, babe, you look good.

Why don't you pull over, let me

Talk to you for a second."”

She was like, "“all right,"”

He kind of cute.

Her, her girlfriend

High-five.

(Smacking sounds)

They was happy.

(Audience laughing)

She was like,

"“Get out, come talk to me."”

And I can't get out

My truck, right?

I gotta, I gotta

Jump out.

But, when I

Jumped out,

I didn't have

A good landing,

I stumbled

A little bit

And all

I heard was

"“Oh my god, he doesn't

Have any knees!

And they just--

(Audience laughing)

They just pulled--

They pulled off.

I--ain't this a bitch,

I got knees,

It was a bad jump,

'‘Cause when I landed

I twisted

My ankle,

My head hit

The windshield.

I was trying to

Pull myself up.

(Audience laughing)

I can admit that it looked

A little Ret*rded,

But to

Yell out that

I don't have knees

Is selfish,

You know what

I'm saying?

How did I get

Out the truck,

I didn't roll

Out the bitch,

That's why I had

An attitude.

(Audience laughing)

I had one girl that

Had one of those laughs

That make you

Stop laughing.

(Audience laughing)

You ever meet somebody

Like that,

With a laugh

That's so bad

That you gotta stop

Having a good time?

'‘Cause it wasn't

A laugh,

It was like

A snicker/snort.

She did it

At everything,

Stuff that wasn't

Even funny.

Like, we was going

To the movies,

I'm like "“you know

What, babe,

It's a long line,

I'm gonna go park the car

Why don't you

Go wait in line?"”

She was like

"“All right, I don't mind--"”

(Snorting sounds)

(Audience laughing)

And I didn't know

What it was at first

So I didn't

Say nothing.

I still had

The car on,

I was like the car

Shouldn't sound like this

'‘Cause it's

A new car,

You know

What I mean?

I just got

This car,

I better not have no damn

Problems with this car.

I was like, "“hey look,

When you get out of line,

Go get some popcorn

With a lot of butter."”

She was like,

"“Oh my god, I love butter!"”

(Snorting sounds)

And I was like,

"“Okay, that was you that time,

I saw you because you know

I made eye contact,

I don't

Like that.

That is nasty,

'‘Cause it sound like

You swallowing snot

Or something."

But, then it dawned

On me where she got it from.

'‘Cause I met her dad

Earlier that day.

Her dad had one

Of those laughs,

I call it the rich

White guy laugh.

You know what

That is?

It's a laugh that's followed

By an awful joke.

The joke doesn't

Make you laugh,

But the laugh eventually

Makes you laugh.

He found out I was

A comedian,

He kept trying

To tell me jokes.

He's like, "“oh, so ah,

So you're a comic, right?

Okay.

Um--"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Ah, all right, all right,

All right,

Listen, I got a um,

I got a joke for you.

You can, you can keep it if

You want, I don't mind.

Um, all right, all right,

All right, you ready?

All right, okay,

Ha-ha.

All right, this is crazy

It's so good.

All right, so I'm at,

I'm at the office.

I'm at the office,

I tell this guy,

I said to him,

What did i--

Wait, what did

I say?

Wait a minute,

Wait a minute.

All right, all right,

All right, I got it.

I got it, okay,

All right.

So I'm at

The office, right?

So I'm at

The office,

And ah, I tell

This guy,

I said to him,

I said,

'‘Hey, ah, pass

Me the stapler,

But when

You pass it,

Make sure staples

Are in it,

Because if it isn't,

I can't staple anything.'"”

(Audience laughing)

Ahh!

I didn't want

To laugh,

But he kept looking right

At me while he was talking.

Ahhh!

(Audience laughing)

Here's the weird thing.

Like, you know how

People clap when they laugh?

They be like, ahh--

(Claps)

He had a clap that he would

Do with his laugh,

But I never knew

When it was coming.

I couldn't time it.

Like you know how sometimes

You can time a clap?

I didn't know

When the clap was coming,

So it was hard

For me to participate

And clap with him, '‘cause it

Took too long, right?

But he was still lookin'

At me the whole time.

He was like--ahhh!

(Audience laughing)

(Claps)

(Audience laughing)

That was like

57 Seconds right there,

I can't wait

57 Seconds.

Long time ago.

I had this one

Tall girl.

I didn't care

That she was tall.

She was tall as shit,

She was a model.

I didn't even care

'‘Cause she made me laugh.

You make me laugh,

That's a bonus.

'‘Cause it's my job

To make people laugh.

So if you make me laugh,

It's a turn-on.

One day, she tried

To mess with me mentally.

We in the supermarket, right?

I'm going to get

Some milk.

Now, normally they

Put my milk

On the middle row

In the aisle.

For some reason this day

It was on the top row.

And like, you know,

When you can't reach something

How you start

Stretching for it?

Like, ahh--

'‘Cause I couldn't get it,

I was like--ahh!

She's like, "“babe,

Don't stretch yourself,

Let me grab it

For you."”

And I turned around,

There was a bunch

Of people in the aisle

Lookin' at her about

To grab my milk.

So I got mad,

I punched her in the rib.

I was like, "“bitch,

Don't be tryin'

To play me in front

Of them people.

She's like, "“i ain't

Tryin' to play you."”

I was like,

"“You are trying to play me.

If you want

To help me,

Pick me up and let

Me grab it.

That's how

You help."”

She's like,

"“All right."”

'‘Cause I'm a thug,

I'm a thug first.

(Scattered laughter)

Are you guys

Double-datin'?

It's like a double

Date right here.

Kinda?

That's good.

I would say don't

Do it no more, though.

Don't ever

Double date.

You know why

You shouldn't double date?

Because you compete

With the other couple.

You don't even know

You're competing.

I'm telling you,

You compete.

Show you right now,

If I'm wrong,

Tell me I'm wrong, okay?

Let's say you lean over,

You give your girl a kiss.

Real innocent--muah--

"“Love you, babe."”

First thing she gonna do

Is look at him,

She'll be like,

"“Mm, must be nice."”

(Audience laughing)

Now, you're competing.

Now, now the only way

You can win

Is to suck

Her titty right here.

You gotta do it.

That's the only way.

You gotta pull

The titty out right now.

(Sucking sounds)

That's it.

But women, y'all discuss

Personal business.

And that personal stuff

Come out.

It come out like

When y'all,

When y'all arguing,

Y'all all at dinner

One night.

And you having

A good time,

Then one day

You get mad.

You like,

"“You know, michelle,

I hate you, michelle,

You come out all the time,

You get drunk,

You mess up the whole night."”

You be like, "“whatever,

f*ck you, tarique,

At least I don't

Eat ass!"”

You be like,

"“What?

What you--what you

Talkin' about?"”

"“Oh, you don't

Eat ass?

Erica, he don't

Eat ass!"”

Now, now, you gotta

Put her on the spot.

"“You told '‘em

I eat ass?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“Everybody was talking,

I didn't know that

It would come out

Like this."”

Now you gotta

Sit there

With the "“you ate ass"”

Face, you just--

(Audience laughing)

That's, that's the "“you

Just ate ass"” face.

(Audience laughing)

Conversation been over,

But you still mad.

"“First of all,

Only time I ate your ass

Was on your

Birthday,

Let's get that

Out the way.

No, no, no,

You want to talk about it,

Let's talk

About it, okay?

I didn't get

You shit,

You say eat your ass,

I was like, '‘cool,'

So I ate

Your ass.

Don't make it seem

Like I'm out here

Just eating your ass

Every day.

Everybody sittin' here

Pushin' my drink to the side

Like I got

The shit mouth.

f*ck y'all, man.

Bet--i bet there

Won't be no more

Ass-eatin'

Up in here.

I bet that.

I bet--bet--"”

Ha-ha!

Bet that's your last

Ass-eating incident--ha!

(Audience laughing)

Ha-ha-ha.

Nothing funnier than

People's personal problems

Coming out in front

Of other people.

That's the funniest

Thing ever to me,

When people's

Personal problems

Get brought to light

In front of other people.

'‘Cause you always gotta act

Like you ain't hear it.

You ever hear

A couple argue?

Like, you hear

Some weird shit.

You ever heard

Like, some weird shit?

"“Whatever, bitch,

You the one

With all the dildos all

Up there in the house!"”

(Audience laughing)

You be at the dinner

Table like--

(Audience laughing)

You try to whisper

To your lady--

"“She got dildos

In the house?"”

(Audience laughing)

"“This bitch

Is crazy,

She got dildos all up

In the house."”

(Audience laughing)

I think that's the funniest

Stuff in the world, man.

Other people's problems,

There's nothing funnier than

Other people's problems.

Other people's kids--

I remember

Me and my boy

Got into it

One day,

'‘Cause I told him

I didn't think his baby

Was where she was

Supposed to be mentally.

That's what

I told him.

I did,

I told him that.

I said, "“i think you

Might have a dumb baby."”

There's a chance that

Your baby might be dumb.

You know, but I felt like,

Me, as your friend,

I should be able to tell you

That, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm your friend,

So my constructive criticism

Should be good

Criticism to you.

But he got mad,

He's like,

"“Whatever, my baby's

Smarter than yours."”

I was like, "“bet money,"”

He was like, "“bet?"”

I was like,

"“What you want to do?"”

He was like, "“let's sit '‘em

In the middle of the floor,

And see which baby can hold

Their head up the longest."”

And I was like,

"“Oh shit."”

(Audience laughing)

You know, my baby

Got a problem, right?

But I can't

Back down,

I was like,

"“Bet, bitch!"”

So we,

We put our babies

In the middle

Of the floor,

And they was

Going at it.

My son--

My son was like--

(Mumbling sounds)

And his baby

Was looking at my son

So his baby

Got dizzy and fell.

I was like,

"“Look at that.

Dumb-ass baby."”

I didn't kick

His baby,

I just moved his baby

Away from my baby.

I didn't want that

Dumb stuff to wear off.

(Audience laughing)

Hey, y'all have

Been a great crowd, man.

My name is

Kevin hart.

Thank you all.

I appreciate it.

(Applause)

Love it!

I should see--

'‘Chelle!

Hey, see if I can

Get my babies.

See if my babies

Are up before I go.

I'ma show you all

My babies before I go.

Just act like

I left already.

I just want y'all

To see my kids,

Let me see

If my son

Come out here

Shaking his head.

I'ma see.

Don't move,

Don't move.

Y'all stay right here

For a second.

(Audience laughing)

(Audience murmuring)

(Offscreen)

-Audience: awww!

(Applause)

(Audience cheering)

-Look how nosy my son is,

Look at him here.

He isn't gonna

Smile or nothin',

He angry,

Just look at him.

Smile, man.

Just smile one time.

Stop, come on now!

(Audience laughing)

Do, do the thing

Daddy told you to do now.

Yeah, oh--okay,

That's cool--

He's still--

Heaven, say hi.

Turn around!

Let '‘em see

Your face.

Stop!

Say hi.

Into the microphone,

Just say hi.

(Offscreen)

-Audience: aww!

-Say hi!

-No!

-Anyway, this is just

So y'all can see

That what I tell

Is the truth.

I really appreciate

The love and support,

And continue,

Y'all,

It's really going good

For me right--

It's really going good

For me right now,

And I really genuinely

Appreciate the support.

One again,

My name's kevin hart.

I love y'all.

Take it easy.

(Audience cheering)

(Applause)

(Hip-hop beat)

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