Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed (2014)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

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[cheers and applause]

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Gaffigan.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh, that is so insincere.

All I did was walk from over there

and act like I'm not out of breath.

What is that, like five feet?

It is good to be here in Boston.
Thank you for coming out.

[cheers and applause]

Excited to be here.

I don't know if you can tell
by my beard, but I'm fat.

I don't know what happened.

All I did was eat constantly,
and then, boom.

I'm fat.

It seems unfair.

I can't stop eating.

I can't.
I haven't been hungry in, like, 12 years.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm so full.
I guess I'll have some cheese.

I don't even like this cheese.
Guess I'll finish it.

Maybe this will make me hungry."

Do you ever tell yourself that?
Maybe this will make me hungry.

It's either that or feel my feelings.

You know what,
you're only eating your feelings.

Yeah, but they're delicious.
I can't stop eat--

You ever look at medication that says,

"Don't take on an empty stomach"?

Never a concern of mine.

Doesn't apply to me.

You're not supposed to go swimming till--

technically I should never go swimming.

Like, if you saw me in a pool,
you'd be like, "Arrest that man!

And tell him not to wear a Speedo."

I don't need that image.

I used to be thin, when I was six.

I've put on some weight, but
luckily, this is intentional.

I don't want to brag or anything,

but I'm preparing for kind of a big role.

It's a cinnamon roll.

I don't want to look
like I can't finish it.

You know what I mean?

Once after a show, a woman came up to me,

and she was like, "You're not that fat,"

like it was a compliment.

I was like, "Well, thank you.
You're not that polite."

But I am fat.

You know, some people
should be fat, you know.

We all have that friend
who's lost tons of weight.

And when you see them, you think,

"You looked better fat.

You're thin, but you look exhausted.

Go back to being fat.

Looking at you makes me want to sit down."

"Nothing tastes as good as thin."

I can think of a thousand things.

Even unsalted French fries
taste better than thin.

You ever eat fries without salt on them?

You're like,
"Huh, these could use some salt,

but that would mean
I'd have to get up and move.

[audience laughing]

I'll just imagine there's salt on them."

Feels like a sacrifice.

You're like, "What am I? A pioneer here?

"Sucking it up. I should be
on that show Survivor.

Once I had fries without salt on them,

so I could probably
live anywhere, really."

[audience laughing]

I just wish I wanted
to eat something healthy.

Recently, I saw an apple,
and for a moment--

just--just a moment--
I didn't recognize it.

I was like, "What is that?
Oh, that's an apple!

It's so weird to not see it in a pie."

But fruit. No one really wants fruit.

It's too much work with fruit, right?

You've got to wash it.

You've got to peel off that
sticker Al-Qaeda put on there.

There's work, like an orange...

Has peeling an orange ever
really been worth it?

There's not even chocolate in this.

And some weirdos that use

the gathering of fruit as an activity.

"Why don't we go apple picking?"

"'Cause I'd rather die."

You have to pay to pick apples.

OK, how much do I owe you
to work for you for free?

Don't rip me off. I'm no dummy.

Yet we still act excited
when we see fruit.

We're like, "Yay, fruit!"

At least it's not vegetables.

'Cause no one wants vegetables.

When you're at a party and they have
a vegetable tray, aren't you surprised?

You're like,
"Wow. That's a waste of money.

Hell, I'd rather eat a candle."

Oh, suddenly I'm the only one
here that's eaten a candle.

OK, everybody.

No one wants a vegetable tray.

Everyone knows "crudite" is French

for "throw away in a couple hours."

[audience laughing]

I feel sorry
for those vegetables on the tray.

They're like, "What am I doing here?

I can't compete with pigs in a blanket.

I'm a cauliflower, for God's sakes.

Like that ranch dressing's gonna help?"

Ranch dressing.

Some of us have to settle down
with the ranch dressing.

The usage is ridiculous.

"I love ranch dressing.

I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing."

That's fine. You're just not allowed
to vote anymore.

'Cause ranch dress--
You know how they make ranch dressing?

Buttermilk and sadness.

That's the only ingredients.

Interesting fact.
Before they came up with ranch dressing,

no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever.

But we know we don't want vegetables.

But we haven't wanted fruit
for hundreds of years.

That's why there's so many paintings
in museums of just bowls of fruit.

'Cause you could start
painting a bowl of fruit.

You could leave
for a couple days, come back.

No one would have touched
the bowl of fruit.

But if you're painting a donut,

you better finish it on the first sitting.

You can't even take a bathroom break.

"Hey! What happened to my donut?"

Your friends say, [imitates full mouth]
"I don't know. Some fat guy came in here.

Anyway, I gotta get some milk
and take a nap."

That's why there's no donut art.

It's sad, really.

When's the last time you saw
a painting of a donut?

The police, they love donuts, right?

Hey, cop. Why don't you get a donut?
Cops love donuts.

Which is an interesting stereotype,

because you know who else loves donuts?
Absolutely everyone.

Of course cops love donuts,

'cause they know the difference
between right and wrong.

And not liking donuts is wrong!

Have you ever met someone
that doesn't like a donut?

You want to know why?
Because they're in jail.

When you're in a donut shop
and you see a police officer,

don't you feel like
something special's happened?

[gasps] An angel just got its wings.

It's special.

[chuckling] I had a donut
before I came onstage.

I was with a friend last week.

I was like, "You want to get a donut?"
He was like, "I'm not hungry."

I'm like, "What does that
have to do with it?"

As if there's ever been
a good reason to eat a donut.

Well, doctor says I need
more powdered sugar in my diet.

Donuts are bad for you,

and according to my health nut wife,

they're "not appropriate
for a trail mix," you know.

I'm just on a different trail, right?

Mine leads to the emergency room.

That joke will be even funnier
when I die from cardiac arrest.

"That's why I didn't laugh."

Donuts are all about taste.

In Los Angeles, there's a place
called Yum Yum Donuts.

It's like, what? Do you need
the IQ of one to find that appealing?

Yum Yum?

Me like yum yum.

It's like,
who's the target audience, cavemen?

I know two thing.

Yellow fireball rise in sky
and Yum Yum Donuts.

Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum.

Now there's gourmet donuts

that are deep-fried in gold.

I had a gourmet donut.
I didn't realize it was a gourmet donut.

I just pointed at a donut,
and the donut guy started ringing it up.

He was like, "That'll be $3.99."

I was like, "I only want one of them."

He was like, "That is the price
of one of them."

Then there was this long, awkward pause

where I waited for him
to lean forward and go, "Just kidding."

But he didn't.

He just looked at me like,
"Got you, tubby,"

because he knew I'd pay

because I was in a donut shop.

It's not like I was there
to buy a yoga mat.

Boston, this is like donut
ground zero, right?

Dunkies, Dunkies!

[cheers and applause]

I don't know,
I always eat the local specialty

because I'm a pig.

I did this big tour
of the southern states,

and I'll tell you something.

People in the South are nicer. They are.

Even when they're rude,
they're nice in the South.

They're like, "Y'all can go to hell."

You're like, "Well, thank you. You too."

People in the South are nicer,
but they're slower, right?

And I don't mean intelligence-wise.

They just move slower.

It's like, "Hey, your house is on fire."

"All right.

I'll get to that.

But first, I need to drink me
some sweet tea.

Then I'll deal
with that pesky house of mine."

And I figured it out.

It's the biscuits and gravy.

Everyone in the South moves like
they've just had two helpings.

They're like, "I shouldn't have
had that second helping of..."

This is a nine-year-old
I'm pretending to be.

"Of biscuits and gra--"

In the South, they're eating

biscuits and gravy for breakfast.

They're not coming home
drunk late at night,

like, "I'll eat anything."

They're waking up, and they're
like, "Time for cement."

[chomping]

Lunch, chicken and waffles.

The South will never rise again

'cause they don't have the energy.

[laughter and applause]

Because most of their dishes
involve papier-mache.

[cheers and applause]

They're essentially eating
pinatas down there.

That's why they talk that way.

Because after you eat biscuits and gravy,

you can't be expected
to say "you" and "all."

"Good biscuits and gravy, y'all."

I'm surprised they even say
"biscuits and gravy."

[speaks gibberish]

y'all.

And I'll tell you something.
Those biscuits and gravy are amazing.

I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast

for nine days straight.

I still haven't gone to the bathroom.

That tour was 27 years ago.

I love Southern food.

Chicken and waffles.

Fried chicken and waffles.

Why?

What should we serve
with the fried chicken? French fries?

No, something elegant.

Like a waffle

or a gyro

or heroin.

I know it's lunch, but I want
breakfast and diabetes,

so I'll have the chicken
and waffles and a shake.

Of course, you can't talk about Southern
food without bringing up grits, right?

Grits, it's like someone was like,

"Hey, if you love the taste
of biscuits and gravy

"but without the taste
of biscuits and gravy,

then you'll love our man-made wet sand."

I want to like grits. I do.

I order them, and I'm like,

"Are these undercooked or overcooked?"

No wonder you came up with moonshine.

Southerners are always like,
"Y'all are eating that wrong.

You've got to add a pound
of cheese and a pound of sugar

and 30 candy canes."

That's what I love about the South.

They don't even try and hide the
fact they're eating unhealthy.

In a restaurant, you're like,
"I guess I'll order "the bucket of lard

and the salt stick."

"Y'all want that deep-fried?"

"Uh, OK."

"You want us to sh**t at you
while you eat it?"

"Is that extra?"

But there's unhealthy eating everywhere.

I was in Arizona and New Mexico,

and there are people eating fried bread.

There are stands
that sell only fried bread.

And I saw that, and I was like,
"I found my people."

[laughter]

Fried bread.

I eat unhealthy, but come on.

I know a donut's fried bread,

but at least we don't
call it "fried bread."

I mean, at what point
do you even feel comfortable

eating something called "fried bread"?

"Have you ever eaten cake in the shower?"

"A couple times."

"You're ready for fried bread."

"Ever eaten in your car, so you don't have
to share with your children?"

"Every day."

"You're ready for fried bread."

Fried bread.
That is the opposite of a diet, right?

What are the basic elements of a diet?

It's like, all right, no fried food.

No fried food. Got it.

You gotta cut out all the bread.

Cut out-- hey, what about fried bread?

Is there some kind of fried bread diet?

Actually the term is "fry bread."

It's not "fried bread." It's "fry bread."

It's like a command, a call to action.

If you aren't already, fry bread.

Let's get fat.

And I'm not judging those people.

They're actually more honest than us.

Because we eat fried bread,
but we do it in code.

It's like, "You want fried bread?"

"No. I'll have an elephant ear."

"You want fried bread?"

[chuckles] "No. I'll just have a beignet."

We're like that guy at the party
trying to find weed.

"Hey, is your friend Bud
gonna be here tonight?

You know, he hangs out
with that guy named Herb.

He's going out with the girl
from Mexico named Marijuana."

I don't know what you're asking for.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm trying to get fat.

Last night, I was eating
a pint of ice cream,

and I finished it
because I'm American, all right?

I took off the lid, and I threw it away

'cause I'm not a quitter, everyone.

[laughter]

And because I care about the environment.

I was conserving energy
by not refreezing it.

You're welcome.

Of course it was at night.
You ever eat ice cream during the day?

You're like, what are we?
Six years old?

Did we just get our tonsils out?

Why are there people around me?

Shouldn't I be alone watching Lifetime?

Those hoarders, those are
the ones with the problem.

I was eating a pint of ice cream
in sweatpants, like a man.

My wife came in the room,
and she was like,

"Jim, are you gonna eat an entire pint
of ice cream by yourself?"

And I was like, "Hopefully.

Unless you selfishly want a bite."

"Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter.

Don't you want to be at her wedding?"

"Not really. No.

Wait, is there gonna be
ice cream at her wedding?

Because if you promise--
I still don't want to go."

How would attending a wedding,
Why would that be an incentive?

It's like, "Don't you die!

In 18 years, there's an awkward
party you have to pay for!

And we need you to write a check."

No, I understand weddings
are an important event

where we spend a lot of money
so that the bride can pretend

to be a princess!

And marry her prince
and live happily ever after

because magic exists.

[laughs]
And we're a bunch of weirdos.

Weddings are kind of weird.
I mean, what's the logic?

It's like, "Well, we love each other.

Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom?

[laughter]

We'll invite your parents'
friends and my parents' friends,

and we'll have a banquet.

And the two kingdoms
shall come together as one.

And we can start our married
life with a total fantasy

before we go on a completely
unjustified vacation."

It's strange, right?

I mean, weddings started off as
these crude, medieval ceremonies

where women, daughters
were exchanged as property.

Yet over the course
of centuries, they got worse.

[laughter]

That's why people cry at weddings.

"I can't believe we're still
wasting money on this."

Whenever I see someone
crying at a wedding,

"I always say, don't worry.
It probably won't work out."

[laughter and applause]

It is nice to be invited to a wedding,

but you always look at that invitation

like, "Ah, this is gonna cost me.

Oh, good. It's out of town.

Wouldn't want to use those
vacation days for vacationing."

And you can tell how much
a wedding's gonna cost you

by the type of invitation you receive.

You're like, "[gasps] Oh, no.
This one's made of baby skin."

[laughter]

And that font and the language on that.

"The honorable king slayer
cordially invites you

to the marriage
of his 40-year-old daughter

to her live-in boyfriend of 12 years.

Bring thy wallet."

Because you have to get
the newlyweds a gift

because they've done nothing!

So you go to the registry.

The registry,
which is a nice way of saying,

"You don't have to get us anything.

But when you do, make sure
it's one of these things."

You ever go to the registry late,
and you're like,

"Aw, the only thing left
is a fork for $300.

I guess we'll be the fork friends.

We'll get them the fork."

My wife had us register for fine china

because you never know
when the Pope's gonna swing by

and want a microwaved hot dog
on a $200 plate.

My parents, growing up,
my parents had fine china

that you couldn't even put
in the dishwasher.

"[gasps] Don't get that wet.

You need to clean it with a kitten.

[laughter]

It needs to be a white kitten."

[laughter and applause]

At most weddings, the guests
receive a gift, right?

Sometimes it's, like, a bag
of almonds covered in candy.

Thanks. I guess we're even.

Since you got me a bag of nuts.

"Feel free to take the centerpiece."

Sure you don't want us to bus some tables?

Uh, I didn't bring a broom,
but I could sweep.

It's not always, like, nuts.

Sometimes the gift is, like, a knickknack

or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing.

The last wedding we were at,
everyone at the wedding

got a wine stopper filled with sand

because the theme
of the wedding was waste.

[laughter]

I got in trouble when I asked
the bride, I was like,

"At what point are we supposed
to jab this in our throat?

During the first dance?"

That's horrible [chuckles]

I do find it fascinating.

There's always a drunk person
at a wedding, right?

And I think it's because
there's so many awkward moments.

Like that receiving line as a guest?

I never know what to say to those people.

I always feel like I've just seen a friend

in a play or something.

"That was great. You were great up there.

What you said. I like this program.

Well, I'm gonna lie to someone else now.

You were good too. You're the grandma.

We got them the fork.

Is the bar open?"

Some of those wedding rituals,

have you been to one of the weddings

where the groom removes
the garter belt from the bride

and flings it to a crowd of perverts?

[laughter]

Because he cherishes his... what?

Who came up with that one?

Hey, you know how the bride
throws the bouquet?

How 'bout something for the fellas?

Maybe the bride's underwear?

What happens to that garter belt?

Oh, I have it in a very special place.

It's in a room covered
with photographs of the bride.

And there's candles
and fried bread everywhere.

[cheers, applause and laughter]

I'm not against marriage.
I'm happily married.

I'm married to a beautiful woman,

the type of woman that when I'm with her

and people find out she's my wife,

there's usually an audible "wow."

Which I suppose is flattering,
but it hurts my feelings.

I'm not a yeti.

"Wow."

Someone could approach me and be like,

"Jim, we've discovered your wife
has no visual perception.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah, we don't need
to correct that or anything.

She doesn't like glasses."

But I like being married.

I like having someone to look out for me.

And my wife wants me to live longer.

We all want to live longer,
but how much longer?

Like, you ever see old people,

really, really old people,
the look on their face?

They always have
that look like, [screaming]

I can't believe I'm still here!

I would have eaten so much more ice cream.

Why did I ever consume kale?

Can we stop with the kale propaganda?

[cheers, applause and laughter]

That stuff tastes like bug spray.

I was looking at a can of bug spray.

It said, "Made with real kale."

But that's the latest health trend.

There's a new one every six weeks.

When I was a little kid, cottage cheese,

cottage cheese was considered healthy.

My mom and my sisters,

"We're being healthy by eating
this tub of cheese curds."

Because to be thin,

you eat things that look like cellulite.

Remember when pita was healthy?

Pita's not bread.

It's from the Middle East.

Take cheese, bad for you.

Put it in pita, it's OK.

That's why when I smoke crack,
I do it on pita.

[laughter]

We're still in the middle
of the wrap phase.

Wraps are so good for you.

When you roll food,
it takes the calories out.

It becomes a sandwich wand. Ta-da!

No calories.

It's like sushi but not enjoyable.

There's good fats and bad fats.

I like to think of myself as a good fat.

I did discover that I'm gluten-free.

-Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah?
-[scattered cheers]

I was just kidding. You're a communist.

[laughter and applause]

Obviously, people that are gluten-free

are like any other American,

except for they're allergic to wheat,

the amber waves of grain.

Doesn't mean
they don't love their country.

Just means they can't stomach

♪ The purple mountains' majesty ♪

Those are the people we should
be screening at airports.

Are you gluten-free/a t*rror1st?

I don't judge. I report. You decide.

There's a new milk every six weeks.

Oh you shouldn't be drinking cow's milk.

Don't drink cow's milk.

You should drink soy milk.

They discovered soy milk's all estrogen.

You should drink soy milk

unless you want to have
sons with testicles.

Or you could drink rice milk.

And they discovered rice milk
is like drinking carbs.

Or you could drink almond milk
because almonds make milk.

Unless you have a nut allergy.

Then you could drink hemp milk,

which is like a nut-free
almond milk made from rope.

[laughter]

Or you can try this new milk
that's called cow's milk.

It's big in Europe.

But really, this is the kale era, right?

Kale is a superfood,

and its special power is tasting bad.

It's inedible.

All you have to do is freeze-dry it,
cover it in cayenne peppers,

put it in a shake,
and bury it in the ground.

Kale is so good for you.

It's like a really bitter
spinach with hair.

Kale is so good for you.

They could find out kale
cures cancer, and I would still

be like, "I'm just gonna do
the chemo, all right?

I've tried the kale. OK?"

[laughter and applause]

Haven't we evolved as a species,

so we no longer have
to eat things like kale?

You know there were cavemen,

"One day, son, we no longer
forage through weeds.

We eat porterhouse steak

and no longer sound like Cookie Monster.

Now we go to Yum Yum Donut."

Kale. I just can't stand
the kale bragging.

"I just had some kale."

No one asked you.

People talk about kale like it's a band.

Have you seen that new album by Kale?

I was at a school event because
I have a thousand children.

And one of the moms was
nice enough to make a bean soup.

So I went over, and I tasted it,
and I said, "Oh, this is very good."

And she leaned forward, and she goes,

"I snuck some kale in there."

And I wanted to throw the bowl at her.

'Cause she was trying
to impress me with a vegetable.

Oh, wow.

You smarty.

But you know what?
I blame Whole Foods.

I do. They're just bored at Whole Foods.

They're like,
"What else can we sell these idiots?

Just get me a plant.

Not that one. That's poison ivy.

Wait. Can we make milk out of that?

Give me the other one. What is this?

Kale? It tastes bad?

They'll think it's good for them.

Charge 20 bucks for it."

And we're like, "Ah."

But I go to Whole Foods.
I do. I waste my money there.

They should just have
a garbage can at the entrance

of Whole Foods with a picture
of a wallet over it.

You just go...

OK, how many items do I get? I get two?

OK, um, I'll have the grapes for 500.

And, Alex, I'll have the loaf
of bread made of wood for 10.

[laughter]

I'll put the rest on my Amazon wish list.

What is the business idea of Whole Foods?

It's like Costco, but instead
of bulk, you get nothing.

You ever look at your bill
when you're leaving Whole Foods?

You're like, "Wow, I'm really
not good at managing money."

[laughter]

Because you only remember
how expensive it is when you get there.

You're like, "These prices...

I'm too lazy to go to another store.

You win again, Whole Foods.
Tricked me again."

You guys are nice. I should have showered.

I'm sure most of you showered. Yeah.

There's probably one or two weirdos
out there that took a bath.

A bath, how much free time
do you have on your hands?

What, are you taking a break
from ruling ancient Egypt?

I don't have anything to do,

and I'll never have anything to do,

so I'll just sit in a pool
of my own filth.

[laughter]

Ah, luxury.

I should probably take a shower
after this bath, huh?

I have taken a bath.

It always seems like
it's gonna be relaxing.

You're like, "Ah. This is so boring!

No wonder people k*ll themselves
in these things, huh?"

Don't worry. No one here has
k*lled themselves in a bath.

My point is no one takes baths

except for that weird couple
in the Cialis commercial.

What kind of disposable income
does that couple have?

"Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking,

what do you say
we sit in the side-by-side tubs

on the porch?"

What is the message of that commercial?

This pill is so good,

you're gonna have
to take a bath afterwards.

I'd do separate baths.

Hell, do it outside. It's gonna be messy.

You know what I mean, fellas?

Those erectile dysfunction commercials

are just there to ruin your night.

They're like, "You enjoying your show?

Just a reminder, in a couple years,

you're gonna need a pill to do anything.

Back to your show."

I took a shower. Didn't happen right away.

You ever have one of those days?
You're like, "Ah, I got to take a shower."

Just hours pass.

"Ah, I still got to take a shower."

And then when you finally do,
it feels like such an accomplishment.

"Hey, I took a shower. I'm a go-getter.

Showerer. Well, time for bed."

Shampooed and conditioned
my hair, as you can tell.

You got to condition your hair
because everyone else does.

Someone told me the reason we're
supposed to condition our hair

is because we shampoo our hair too often.

So instead of using
one product less often,

we just added another product.

Yeah, my wife didn't like me
drinking beer every night,

so to make her feel better,
I started drinking beer and whiskey.

Maybe that'll get her off my back.

Who's that guy?

Shampoo and conditioner.

Always identical bottles for no
other reason but to confuse us.

You ever accidentally
pour out the conditioner first?

You're like, "Oh, crap!
That's, like, 3 bucks!"

You ever try and put it back in?
You're like...

[laughter]

"Damn hole's too small."

I always end up holding on to it

and open the shampoo bottle
with the other hand.

Now, I'll just mix that together.

Hope that doesn't start
a fire or something.

There is that product.

It's shampoo
and conditioner in one.

I don't trust it.

I don't like my peanut butter
and jelly in the same jar.

That's for Goobers.

That joke's for goobers.

There are so many goos
and potions in our showers.

And they're all just soaps
with different names, right?

This is a soap for your hair.
This is a soap for your body.

This is a facial scrub,
which is soap with sand in it.

[laughter]

My favorite shower goo or potion, though,

has to be body wash and not
just because it sounds creepy.

It's like,
"Hey, I got you some body wash."

"Yeah, I got you a restraining order."

Body wash.

Wash the body.

Body wash.

I'm gonna wash your body...

[whispers] while you sleep.

You can only use body wash on your body.
Use it on your face, you die.

It's the truth.

I remember when they first
introduced body wash.

I was at a drugstore, and I was
like, "This is so stupid."

Body wash.

Now I'm like, "Honey,
we're all out of body wash.

Can you get some more body wash?

That soap's so hard to use.

Get the body wash that has
'energy' printed on it.

I need my body wash to give me energy."

That's what's printed
on our bottle of body wash.

"Energy" in bold.

Like, they didn't even bother

to think of a misleading
adjective that made sense.

Oh, what should we put
on the bottle of body wash?

Fuel-efficient.

[laughter]

Low-calorie.

Something like that.

But it doesn't matter what it says

on all those goos and potions, right?

They're snake oils, because when
it comes to cleanliness,

we will believe anything.

We're like, "Oh, a facial scrub
made of avocados.

That makes sense.

And it only costs $50.

Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99¢.

[gasps]
Well, this must be good shampoo.

It's from France.
And they're known for cleanliness.

[laughter and applause]

At least I think it's shampoo.

Douche de what?

The French are douching their hair?"

I did that joke in Montreal,
and no one laughed.

It really comes down to
we don't want to smell, right?

You ever catch yourself smelling,

and you're like, "Oh, my God. I gotta...

smell that again."

You're, like, drawn to it.

You're like, "That is alluring."

"Honey, get over here.
I got a treat for you."

But we smell because we're animals, right?

We're just self-cleaning animals.
We're like cats. We're like...

I know we're supposed to be like apes,

but they're picking bugs
off each other and eating it.

We're like cats.

We self-clean. We're grumpy.
We're finicky eaters.

I don't want to eat that.

I don't feel like eating that right now.

We like to think we're like dogs.

I mean, I wish I was a dog.
Dogs are always in a good mood.

They're like, "What is that?
Throw-up? I'll eat it.

I don't care. I'm just happy to be here."

Dogs are happy to be anywhere.

You ever see a homeless guy with a dog?

The dog's like, "This isn't that bad.

I was begging for food anyway. I mean..."

[laughter]

But we're more like cats, right?
But we can't even be like a cat

because a cat could scratch
itself on a stationary object,

and we'd be like, "That's adorable."

But if I scratch myself on a mannequin

at Victoria's Secret,

they call security.

If I'm just like,
"Oh, I got an itch here."

Especially if I'm purring,
if I'm like... [purring]

Lots of undies around here, huh?

You can't do that in Victoria's Secret.

I have been to Victoria's Secret.
I had a reason.

You know, as a man, you need a reason
to be in Victoria's Secret.

You can't just be in there
like, "I'm looking around.

See what you ladies are buying."

I was getting my wife something
for Valentine's Day.

You have to reach a point
in a relationship where you can

get a woman something
from Victoria's Secret.

It's not like a first-date thing, like,
"Thanks for meeting me for dinner.

I got you a bustier.

Why don't you go in the bano
and throw that on?"

[laughter]

Secretly, every guy wants
to go in Victoria's Secret.

We walk by in the mall.
We're like, "Oh, one day.

One day, I'll have a reason."

Because, you know,
we've seen the catalog.

You don't even have
to search out the catalog.

It just shows up in your mail.

You're like, "Oh, what's this?

Seems like there's
some good articles in here.

If I wasn't married, I could get
rejected by all these women."

And guys, we're just dumb enough,

we see that Victoria's Secret store,

and we think, "Maybe that's
where those models live.

They're probably in there right now,

walking around in angels' wings.

They're probably in there
having a pillow fight right now.

If I could find a practical
reason to go in there,

it would be amazing."

And then you finally go
into Victoria's Secret,

and it's like a Greyhound bus station.

What, are you guys
in between shifts in here?

Where's all the angels?

There's just stressed out
salesladies with headsets on.

"Underwear, underwear, underwear."

[laughter]

"Where's the open bar?"

But you're still a guy
in a woman's underwear store.

And you don't want to look like a creep.

That's why every man at Victoria's Secret

has the same expression
on his face of, "Boring!

This is place is boring
because I'm not a pervert.

There's nothing stimulating in
here because it's boring to me,

especially those huge posters
of supermodels mostly naked.

Boring." [chuckles]

I didn't know what I was looking
for, so I went up to a saleslady

who had the warmth of a TSA screener.

"What do you want?"
"Nothing.

I didn't touch anything.
I'm leaving."

I was trying to be discreet.

I was like, "Look, I'm looking
for something for my wife.

She's very intelligent.

She's creative."

Because you can't say, "I'm
looking for a slutty outfit."

"She volunteers. She's organized.

Maybe that French maid's outfit
would be good."

Then I was thrown
because the saleslady was like,

"What size?"
And I was like, "Size?

Uh, female? Small?"

Because you don't want to guess too big.

You don't want to be like,
"Hey, you'll grow into it.

I thought
you was much bigger."

You can't ask a stranger, like,
"Hey. Excuse me there, lady.

You look like you got
a keister like my wife's.

What size undies you got there?

Maybe you could try on
this outfit I got."

I just wanted it over with.

When I was paying, I assumed
the awkwardness was over

until they handed me my purchase

in a bright pink Victoria's Secret bag

that I had to carry around
the mall the rest of the day

that might as well have
just said "pervert" on the side.

[humming]

♪ Me and my ladies' undies ♪

[laughter]

I like ladies' undies so much,
I got a bag full of them.

♪ Heading into Burger King ♪

Yeah, I'll have a Whopper with cheese

and a small fries for the ladies' undies.

When I got home, I realized
you have to find the right time

to give your gift from Victoria's Secret.

You can't be like, "Hey, when you're done
changing that diaper,

I got another changie-poo for you.

It's a little gift from me
to you that's really for me."

Because if you're buying a woman something

from Victoria's Secret,
it's really a gift for you.

It's like, "Here, I got me this.

[laughter]

Thank you. I'm welcome."

I am never going back there again.

I don't know.
It's good to be here in Boston.

-[cheers and applause]
-Oh, I love Boston... This is a...

Boston's a tough city, right?

It's like, Boston!

Boston! Lob-stah!

I love the Boston energy.

And you guys, all of New England,

you guys love your seafood,

and it's just disgusting.

Lob-stah! Lob-stah!

I was vacationing
on Cape Cod because I'm white.

-And...
-[laughter and applause]

I was at this seafood restaurant, right?

And this guy came over to our table.

Wasn't even our waiter.
He came over to the table.

He was like, "Hey, I couldn't help..."

I don't know how to do
the Boston accent.

"You're not eating lobster.

Is there a reason why
you're not eating lob-stah?"

And I was like, "Uh, I thought
I'd order what I want.

I wasn't really in the mood for bug meat."

Because that's what shellfish are.

They're just creepy-crawly, giant insects

on the bottom of the ocean.

You know fish are swimming around like,

"We got to get an exterminator
up in this piece."

They're bugs.
They have a shell like a bug.

They have spindly legs
and crawl around like a bug.

They have antennae like a monster.

[laughter]

They're probably monsters.

Like, if you went home and you saw
a chicken in your house,

you'd be like, "What the hell's
a chicken doing in my house?"

But if you saw a lobster,
you'd be like, "We're moving."

[laughter]

Because there's not
a nickel's worth of difference

between a lobster and a giant scorpion.

Now, I understand everyone
loves lobster, "I love lobster."

Hey, I like butter too, OK?

How can I eat three sticks of butter?

Well, I found this giant,
swimming sea scorpion.

It's just a spoonful of butter
helps the bug meat go down.

In the most delightful way.

Lobster tail.

Is that the area near the butt? Mmm.

That's what I want,
a little turf and bug butt.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

How about those restaurants where you have
to pick out your own lobster?

You're like, "I guess I'll take that one

that's really struggling
with the rubber bands.

[laughter]

He seems appealing.
Why don't we boil him to death?"

Why am I involved in this decision?

But the Northeast? It's all shellfish.

Maryland with the crab.

Isn't it kind of a red flag
you need a hammer to eat a crab?

Oh, you're having the crab?

Let me get you some tools,
so you can crack open

that bug shell and get
that half a bite of bug meat.

Crab, it's too much work.

They're like the pistachio of seafood.

And there's that nasty part of the crab

you're not supposed to eat.
I think it's called all of it!

'Cause they're crabs,
as in the sexually transmitted disease.

That has the same name because
it's the exact same thing!

They're just the baby version
of the dinner crab.

You know God's up in heaven going,

"What do I gotta do to stop them
from eating the crabs?

I gave it a rock-hard shell.

I put it on the bottom of the ocean.

I named a disease after it.

Jesus, you're gonna have
to go back down there."

[laughter and applause]

I don't even know how people

order crabs with a straight face.

"Yeah, my wife and I... You know what?

I'll get crabs, and I'll give her some.

[laughter and applause]

Don't tell her.
I want it to be a surprise."

Even the crab as a creature is creepy.

It always looks like it's trying
to avoid an awkward situation.

[laughter]

"Is that...
Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap."

Clams and oysters.

How did we even start eating those?

"Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it.

I was thinking of eating it."

"Go ahead."

"All right." [slurps]

"What's it taste like?"
"Pneumonia."

[laughter]

Oysters on the half shell.

As opposed to what,
in a Kleenex?

Even the way you're supposed
to eat an oyster...

Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce,

throw it down the back of your
throat, take a shot of vodka,

and try and forget
you ate a snot from a rock.

That's not how you eat something.

That's how you overdose on sleeping pills.

Pearls come from oysters.

Yeah, I try not to eat things
that also make jewelry.

[laughter]

Oysters are an aphrodisiac?

Why would we ever believe that?

What do you say you and I
grab some snots from a rock?

See what happens.
Maybe we'll end up at my place.

Maybe we'll end up
at the emergency room.

Let it happen, baby.

Clam chowder.

How can we sell more clams?

Why don't we put it in a soup
that looks like vomit?

[laughter]

He went too far.
Let's k*ll him.

But most seafood gives me the willies.
Like anchovies.

What exactly is the difference
between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow?

[laughter]

Because whenever I see an anchovy,

I think,
"Someone has att*cked Tom Selleck."

Why would you put that in a salad?

Squid, more like the swimming sea spider.

"But I like calamari."

You could deep-fry a rubber
hose, it would taste good.

A little cocktail sauce,
this is good hose.

Octopus? Really?

"Octo" meaning "eight,"
"pus" meaning "really?"

Yes. The pus part's my favorite.

The suction cups remind me
we need a new bathtub mat.

I wish I liked seafood. I do.

I live near Chinatown
in New York because I'm Chinese.

[laughter]

And like most Chinatowns,
a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown

have live seafood tanks in the windows.

And I'm always like,
"Uh, do you want us to come in there,

or are these sea monsters
protecting your establishment?"

Because I is scared.

And I love Chinese food,
and I love the Chinese culture.

And I'm not just saying that

because we're all gonna be
working for them in six months.

The Chinese have
an amazing culture. They do.


doing brain surgery in China,

yet they still haven't
figured out dessert.

You ever go to a Chinese restaurant?

I'm not talking about
the fancy Chinese restaurant

that has the tea ice cream
that tastes like

a pack of menthol cigarettes.

[laughter]

I'm talking about
a regular Chinese restaurant

where the dessert options,
there's two, right?

There's sliced oranges.

Whoa.

I don't want to overwork the kitchen.

Oranges? What, did a schooner
just arrive from the Caribbean?

Looks like our scurvy's cured, fellas.

There's sliced oranges,
or there's the fortune cookie,

which is not even a Chinese thing.

It's an American thing,
and we gave it to them.

And they were like, "We don't want it."

And we were like, "It's now
part of your ethnic identity."

[laughter]

Don't you feel like the fortune
in every fortune cookie

should be, "You are
about to eat a stale cookie"?

Hey, my fortune came true!

Everyone has the same reaction
to fortune cookies.

They're always like,
"These things are so stu--

What does mine say?"

Like there's some ancient wisdom in there.

As if Confucius himself was putting

a tiny piece of paper
into a tiny typewriter.

"Happiness is a... long journey."





[laughter]



Put this in a stale cookie
for me, would you?

It's like they wait
for them to be stale.

How old are these, 1990?
Let's wait a little longer.

I do feel sorry for the person
who created the cookie

that ended up being the fortune cookie

because they were
probably pretty proud.

They were like, "Hey, you gonna try my
new cookie? "Tell me what you think of it.

Try my new cookie.
Tell me what you think."

"All right. I'll try it. Here you go.

"Mmm, oh.

You know what this could use
is some paper.

Oh, this would be good for holding a note

or a recipe for a good cookie."

[laughter]

"How much do you think
I could charge for it?"

I'd give it away with the check.

You got a spit bucket around here?"

[laughter]

But I love Asian food. I love Kobe beef.

I know I look like a vegetarian,
but I'm not.

Kobe beef, if you're
not familiar with that,

that comes from cows that are
fed beer and massaged with sake.

I heard that, and I was like,
"I want to be Kobe beef.

Where do I sign up for--"

Those are some happy cows.

They have no idea they're on death row.

They're like, "This is the life! [cackles]

A little lower.
A little lower, honey.

What the hell, this cow's
going for another beer.

You Japanese love design.

That sake bottle actually
looks like a hatchet.

Ow!"

It's just a drunk cow, and it's appealing.

Which means it's only a matter of time,

"[gasps] You have to try this chicken.

It was raised solely on Doritos."

"What kind?"
"Cool Ranch."

But really Kobe beef shows you

how decadent we've become, right?

Now it's not enough
that we live a life of luxury.

Now we need to eat things
that have lived a life of luxury.

"I understand this cow had a good life,

but did it go to private school?

I only eat cows
that went to private school."

"It did."

"Do you have anything
on your menu that owned a boat?"

[laughter]

Kobe beef,
it's an interesting idea, right?

It must have been a surprise
for someone along the way.

It's like, "You like that steak?"

"This is the best steak
I've ever had in my life."

"You know, I fed that cow some beers."

"You got the cow drunk?"

"Yeah, and then I was massaging it."

"What?

[laughter]

Why?

Why were you massaging an animal
you gave a lot of alcohol to?"

"So you could enjoy it."

"So I could enjoy it?

"I'm not hungry anymore.

I'm gonna go call Special Victims Unit.

Let's see what Olivia Benson
thinks of this."

[cheers, laughter and applause]

But really we don't want to
think about what we're eating.

You know, I love hot dogs.
You can't eat a hot dog in public.

There's always one friend that's like,

"Do you know what those are made of?"

I don't want to know because
hot dogs are like strippers.

No one wants to know the backstory.

[laughter and applause]

"Well, when I was 12--"
Not interested.

Let's put mustard on that.

I can say that joke
because I used to be a stripper.

I was so good, they paid me
to put my clothes back on.

It was ridiculous.

We don't like to think
about what we're eating.

Buffalo wings, chicken wings,
I'm sure you savages eat those.

Those are baby chickens' wings
that you're eating.

I don't eat those. I eat the chicken legs.

I would never take away
a bird's ability to fly.

Some people are like,
"Oh, chickens can't fly."

How do we know? They've become
too dependent on those legs.

Legs are making birds lazy.

You ever see footage
of a hippo crossing a river?

There's always a bird sitting on its back.

How lazy is that bird?

It's gonna take the hippo
ten minutes to get across that river.

That bird could glide across.

That bird, I want to eat their legs.

Mostly because I'm pro-hippo.

[laughter]

I see some of you are drinking.
That's not the answer.

It's not. Eating is.

It's amazing how our attitude
on alcohol changes, right?

Because even as a teenager,
you know it's wrong.

You're like, "You know,
I don't like the taste of it,

but I want to look cool."

And then in your 20s,
you're like, "You know what?

This kind of gives me confidence
to talk to the opposite sex."

And then in your 40s,
you're like, "You know what?

This is the only thing
I like about being alive."

[cheers, laughter and applause]

It's only funny because it's true.

I'm sure some of you
are gonna go to some bars,

head to a bar, right?

-[scattered cheers]
-Yeah.

I never really feel comfortable
right when I get in a bar.

I'm always kind of like,
"Who are all these strangers?"

But after a couple beers, I'm like,

"These guys are probably my best friends."

Because your experience in a bar

changes over the course
of the night, right?

As the night goes on, you see
really why we go to bars.

We go to bars,
so we can behave like children.

Toddlers, really.

You ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.?

You might as well be picking up
a kid at nursery school.

It's the same experience.

The behavior's the same in both places.

Both places, there's always
some strange yelling

for no reason at all.

You know, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"

Both places, you go in the bathroom,

it's obvious not everyone's potty-trained.

[laughter]

Both places,
there's always someone crying,

"She was my best friend.

But not anymore."

Both places, occasionally there's a fight.

"You know, he was standing
where I wanted to stand,

so I punched him in the head.

I need more juice."

But at 2:00 a.m.,
people are drunk in bars.

I love how we're always surprised
when someone's drunk in a bar.

We're actually shocked.

We're like, "Look at that guy.

He's wasted.

In a bar.

I came here to read a novel."

Mostly the people that are drunk in bars

are drunk
because they're drinking sh*ts.

And really the only time
to ever drink a shot is never.

No one's ever drank a shot
and then done something they're proud of.

"I got wasted last night,
and then I went out

and built some low-income housing."

[laughter and applause]

That never happens.

You always wake up the next day,
and you're like,

"I need a new identity.

Maybe two of them."

Because if you're drinking sh*ts,

it's either your birthday,
or you're trying

to forget you were ever born.

There is something honest about a shot.

It's like, "I want to get right
to the embarrassing part

of the night, right to pants off."

But we don't even drink sh*ts.

We take them like they're medicine.

This'll cure my normal behavior.

Everyone acts like
we're in a Western.

[hums Western music]

That'll give me the courage to
confront this plate of nachos.

[hums Western music]

Strangers will buy you a shot
on your birthday.

"Hey, I don't know you.
Let me buy you a shot."

This never happens with anything else.

Hey, what do you say?
You and me, let's do some appetizers.

Jalapeno poppers, mano a mano.

You got to turn that shot down
before they get it poured,

because once it's poured, they act like

you're rejecting a sweater
they crocheted you.

"You know how hard I worked on this?"

You didn't at all.

But I don't mind the bars,
unless they're really crowded,

you know, like, five
or six people deep at the bar.

Everyone's competing
for the bartender's attention.

We look like we're trying to get
disaster relief from the Red Cross.

We're like...

[laughter]

"I need mine more than he needs his."

I can never get the bartender's attention.
I'm always like...

We try and make eye contact.

Show him you have money.

I have cash.

But you can't try too hard
in a crowded bar.

You have to act all cool.

You gotta be like,
"I don't even care if I get served.

I just like standing in crowded,
uncomfortable places.

Later on, I'm gonna swing by the airport
and see what that TSA line's like.

I like the lines."

Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar.

Those bartenders look like
they're in the middle of a triage unit.

They're like, "Get me 40ccs of something."

Never enough bartenders.

You ever get faked out
by the arrival of a barback?

You're like, "Finally,
another bar-- it's a barback."

And those poor barbacks, they always act
like they're not qualified to serve you.

Like, [gasps] "Oh, no, no, no, no.

"I can carry 12 cases
up a narrow staircase,

but handing you a beer?
Not yet.

[laughter and applause]

I'm still learning

from the master."

Because in a crowded bar,
the bartender is the master, right?

All the authority goes to that.

Some of them act like they're
not even obligated to serve you.

They're like, "I don't know what
I'm gonna do with all this booze.

Maybe I'll just pour it out
and make a puddle."

And we fall for it.

We're like, "Well,
it's either deal with this guy

or make it in our bathtub at home.

Damn Prohibition."

There's male and female bartenders.

Female bartenders,
they always seem a little tougher

than they need to be, right?

I don't want to say "bitchy"

because that would
describe them perfectly.

[laughter]

Not all of them.

Some female bartenders
definitely give off that vibe

like, "Don't hit on me.
Treat me with respect.

And don't be distracted by
the fact I'm wearing a bikini.

OK, honey?"

They always call you "honey,"
like they're your grandma or something.

"What can I get you, honey?"

"I don't know.
A birthday card with $2 in it?

[laughter and applause]

Uh, maybe a beer,
if you're not too busy condescending me."

But if you've been to a bar,

you've probably been
to a filthy public restroom.

We've all been in those bars
where you're like,

"Oh, wow. Now I know
why they serve alcohol here."

And when I'm talking
about the filthy bathroom,

I'm talking about the men's room.
I don't know about the ladies' room.

I haven't been in there
in, like, a week.

But the men's room,
I don't know what happens to guys

when we go into a public restroom.

Some anger comes out.

Some of the stuff
that's written on the walls?

You never have a friend admit it.

Like, "Hey, give me a second.
I've got to pee and draw a swastika.

I'll be right back."

[laughter]

There's guys writing things on the walls,

and then there are the guys that reply.

Some guy will write, "This place sucks."

Another guy will write, "No, you suck."

As if that first guy
is ever gonna see that.

Like he's gathering up his friends--
"Well, this is what I wrote on this--

Hey, wait a minute!

That guy said I suck.

You double suck."

But all public restrooms,

even when you go-- even at fancy places.

You ever go in the restroom,

and there's a bathroom attendant?

Aren't you always like, "Oh, no"?

Call me a loner, but if there's one thing

I don't want anyone attending,

it's when I'm using the restroom.

Let alone someone sticking around
to sell me a paper towel.

They don't sell. They always wave it
at you, like,

"Here. You don't have to tip me

You can just have bad luck
the rest of your life."

[chuckles]

And you have to tip
the bathroom attendant.

You can't justify not tipping.

You can't be like,
"Ah, he doesn't need it.

He's just working next to a toilet."

[laughter]

You have to tip the bathroom attendant.

Sometimes the bathroom attendant
will have an incentive for a tip.

They'll have, like,
gum and cologne on a shelf.

No thanks on the gum.
I'm sure a lot of that flavor's

probably been knocked
away here in your office.

"Where'd you get the gum?"
"Bathroom.

Yeah, some stranger
in half a tux sold it to me."

"What flavor is it?"
"Bathroom."

And the cologne,
You know, talk about a place

you don't want to pick up a scent.

"Ooh, you smell different."
"Bathroom again.

Same guy had a jug of liquid
sitting on a shelf.

I just sprayed myself.

Good guy. I'm moving in with him."

[laughter]

The most memorable
public restroom I was in

was a New York City park men's room,

which doubles as a crime scene,

the difference being that crime scenes
are eventually cleaned up.

We've all been in those scary bathrooms.
You're like, "What happened in here?"

The lights are on, but it's really dark.

There's water everywhere.

For some reason, there's
a film crew from Ghost Hunters.

But I had to go in there.
I was with my three-year-old.

And, you know, three-year-olds,
they don't tell you

when they need
to use the bathroom.

They tell you when they're
about to use the bathroom.

"You have to go potty?"

"Almost done."

[laughter]

My three-year-old's now four.

I also have a nine-year-old
and an eight-year-old

and a two-year-old and a one-year-old.

I have five kids.

I used to have more, but I ate them.

Five kids. I love it,
but I don't know what happened.

Ten years ago, I couldn't get a date,

and now my apartment's
literally crawling with babies.

It's like I left peanut butter
out or something.

Strangers, for some reason,
think I'm unaware that it's a lot of kids.

"Five kids. That's a lot of kids."

"Oh, you think so?
Thanks for the heads-up.

Do you mind if I s*ab you in the head?"

The best is when I'm alone
with my five kids

and inevitably struggling,
and some stranger

will come up to me and go,
"Looks like you got your hands full."

[laughter]

Why would you say that?

It's like going up to someone
in a wheelchair,

"Looks like you don't do
a lot of dancing."

[laughter]

"Looks like you got your hands full."
Yeah. I could still punch you.

But it is a lot of kids, you know.

We've jumped the shark.

Because when you have four kids,
people are like, "Wow,"

but when you have five,
people are like,"Just stop.

What, are you creating
your own nationality?

Settle down.

Is there gonna
be a country called 'Gaffganistan'?

Make a plan."

Big family.

Big families are like water bed stores.

They used to be everywhere,
and now they're just weird.

Some people think it's religious.

Like, "You have all those kids
for religious reasons."

That's not how it works.

If anything, you have four or five kids,

and then you become religious.

Because once you lose a kid at the mall,

you know, atheist or not,
you start talking to God right away.

You're like, "Hey, God. I know I haven't
talked to you in a while,

probably since finals in high school.

Anyway, if you could help me find my son,
I promise I'll change my life.

I'll stop going to Wendy's.

Oh, there he is. Never mind, God.

[laughter]

Well, we're off to Wendy's."

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

"Talk to you when I get cancer."

♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪

Because that's how it works, right?

We really only reach out
when we have a crisis.

That's got to be annoying for God.
He's gotta be like, "Well, well, well.

Someone gets the big 'C,'

and they turn into Billy Graham
all of a sudden.

I seem to remember
when you were in college,

I 'didn't exist.'

But now you're Chatty Cathy."

A joke that combines cancer
and religion, always a crowd pleaser.

Those are two topics
we don't like to discuss.

We don't even like the word "cancer."

We always whisper it, like,
[whispers] "Cancer,"

as if the devil's listening.

"I heard you say it,
and now you've got it."

"I was whispering."

"You've got it twice for trying
to hide it from the devil."

"When did the devil start
passing out cancer?"

"You've got it three times for doubting
the devil "can pass out cancer.

"You've got it four times for bringing up
the devil too many times in one joke."

[laughter]

I used to be afraid of cancer.

Now I get a headache, and I'm like,
"Good. "It's almost over.

Let's wrap it up.

Looks like I'm not paying
for that wedding after all."

[laughs]

That's horrible.

It's in my future. Look at me.

I'm like skin cancer waiting to happen.

Cancer probably doesn't even
see me as a challenge.

"I could do that
in a half an hour.

Send in an intern."

But we're sensitive
because we've all lost someone.

I'm surprised we even ask
what grandparents die of at this point.

"My grandpa died."
"What kind of cancer?"

"He was hit by a bus."

"That's called bus cancer."

But we say we're afraid of cancer.

We don't really behave like we are.

We know what causes it.
Smoking causes cancer.

Yeah, I only smoke when I'm drinking.

Which is constant, really.

We know the products that cause cancer.

Every six months,
there's a new sugar replacement.

"Here's a new sugar replacement.
No calories."

A week later, it causes cancer.

They don't even take it off the shelves.

"Hey, there's the one that causes cancer,

and it's on sale."

So then we're faced
with a sugar predicament.

Do I use the stuff that'll k*ll me

or the stuff that'll make me fat?

Ah, what's a little cancer?

If he does
another cancer joke,

I'm gonna k*ll him
before he can ever get it.

My zodiac sign is Cancer.

What a rip-off.

[laughter and applause]

I remember when I was eight
and I was finding out my sign.

My brother was like,
"What am I? What am I?"

And my sister was like,
"You're a Capricorn."

And I was like, "Oh, and me?
What am I? What am I?"

"Cancer."

"Oh, no! I k*lled Grandma.

What's my symbol?"

"Crabs."

"Oh, no."

It all gets sewn together so pretty.

It is a pretty thing sewn together.

[laughter and applause]

But I like being a dad. I do.

We have a one-year-old at home,

who for the first year of his life,

has slept a total of one minute.

But it's worth it, you know.

There's screaming,
there's smells, you don't sleep.

I was out of town, and I drove by a skunk,

and all I could think was,
"I miss my baby."

[laughter]

Because babies are magic. They are.

Because they're the worst roommates.

Like, if you had a roommate
that did one of the things a newborn does,

you'd be like,
"You're moving out. I mean--"

You can't even reason with a baby.

You can't be like, "What the
hell was going on last night?

You were hitting the bottle pretty hard.

Then you started screaming,
and you threw up on me.

Then you passed out and wet yourself.

I went in the other room
to get you some dry clothes.

I come back, you're all
over my wife's breasts.

Dude, you got to move out. I mean..."

It's always fun
when the mother breast-feeds.

The baby always looks right
at the dad like,

"What are you gonna do about it?

Man of the house, my ass.

Why don't you take a walk?
Leave your credit card."

Every year, when my wife
has her annual baby,

[laughter]

it feels that way.

By the way, the gifts stop
after the second kid.

With the fifth kid, people barely respond
to the email announcement.

"Ah, we'll get them next baby."

Once I had a friend
come up to me and go,

"Hey, congratulations
on the new baby.

I know how you feel.
We just got a puppy."

I said, "What?"

And I love dogs, so I understand it.

But, like,
babies are the only types of humans

that can be compared
to an animal and it's OK.

Like, you could never be like,
"Heard you're getting married.

I know how you feel.
I used to have a pig.

[laughter]

Bit of advice on a hot day,
Hose that bride down.

She'll love it

because they can't breathe,
their skin can't."

Twice a year, I travel.
I tour with my kids.

We get on a tour bus, and we go
to, like, some destination.

Last spring break,
we went to Mount Rushmore.

[man from audience] Whoo!

That's the most applause
Mount Rushmore's ever gotten.

I feel sorry for Mount Rushmore.

You know, people used to
go there on their honeymoon.

And now, I bring up Mount Rushmore,

and people look at me like
I'm talking about a TV show

that was canceled ten years ago.

"Is that still going on?"

Yeah, it's a mountain!

It's still going on.

And you know what? It's beautiful.

And the Black Hills of South Dakota are...

You know, they're sacred
to the Lakota Indians.

And out of respect, our government carved

four white guys into one of the mountains.

[laughter and applause]

"This land is sacred."

"How about that mountain?"
"Very sacred."

"Good.
We got an idea."

Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

Another gift for you guys.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

These guys were all about freedom.

Ding, ding, ding.

Especially the two guys that owned slaves.

[laughter]

But there's so much
stimulation in our lives.

We don't know what to make
of four faces on a mountain.

You know, my kids
didn't know what to think.

They were like,
"Is one of the eyes gonna blink?"

And I was like, "I don't know.

Take a look because
I'm never coming back here."

That is all for me.
Thank you so much, you guys.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪

♪ Atten-hut! ♪