Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape (2018)

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Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape (2018)

Post by bunniefuu »

BOY:

That's Mom and Dad.

[hip-hop music]

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

Jim Gaffigan!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh,

you make me feel

only 20 pounds overweight.

"Oh, look at his beard.

He's--

He's got quite a beard.

He looks like an out of shape

Civil w*r general."

My dearest Peggy...

it has been a fortnight

since I have had a salad.

I love my beard.

You grow a beard

and strangers are fascinated.

I have strangers

coming up to me,

"Hey, why'd you grow

your beard out?"

"I joined Al-Qaeda."

"Don't even joke around

about that."

But you can ask

about facial hair, right?

You can't be like,

"Hey, how long you had

the man boobs?

Are they natural?"

Now you're looking

at my man boobs.

To me

they're beautiful.

When do I get a Dove commercial?

I'm talking about

the Dove ice cream bar

which barely cleans your body

and is less r*cist.

Thank you for coming out.

It is great to be here.

Thank you so much.

It is...

It's been a crazy year for me.

Crazy year.

I don't know if you know,

in April it was discovered

my wife had a brain tumor.

I'm not even making this up.

It was removed.

She's great.

-Everything's good. Thank you.

-[cheers and applause]

I didn't remove it.

I was in the other room

soiling myself, but...

the tumor is gone

along with my ability

to ever win another argument.

It's not like I was winning

a lot before,

but now I'm retired.

And luckily my wife's

not the type to bring it up.

Well, once she did.

She was like, "You know,

I did have brain surgery."

And I couldn't be like,

"Yeah, that was like

a month ago.

It's time to move on,

you know?

What about my

seasonal allergies?

We all have our cross to bear."

It was crazy.

You know,

the surgeon told me the tumor

was the size of a pear--

which is scary,

but also confusing.

I was like,

"Did he go to med school

or a farmer's market?"

But tumors are often compared

to fruit.

A pear, a lemon,

a grapefruit.

Interesting fact,

worst tumor, grapefruit.

Worst fruit, grapefruit.

When you think about it,

a grapefruit looks more

like a tumor

than a fruit.

I must feel sorry

for grapefruit.

"Yeah, we can't win,

you know?

We're already the worst fruit,

now we're compared

to the worst tumor?

Well, at least we help

old people poop."

That is the worst impression

of a grapefruit ever.

It's kind of unfortunate

that there's another fruit

that's much smaller

named "grape"

'cause you know there's

situations in doctor's offices,

"We found a tumor,

it's the size of a grape--"

"Thank God."

"I didn't finish...

Grapefruit."

"Oh, that's--

that's very different."

It was strange.

You know, when the doctor

told me the tumor

was the size of a pear,

I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors

are bad at analogies."

But I quickly realized

they're just dumbing it down

for idiots like me.

Like the surgeon looked at me

and thought,

"Well, this guy's not gonna

understand centimeters.

I don't even wanna try

and explain circumference.

Based on appearance,

he doesn't eat fruit, but...

he's probably seen a pear...

when he's at the grocery store

buying ice cream."

I don't know why the surgeon

sounds like Andy Rooney.

[as Andy Rooney]

You ever notice tumors

look like fruit?

[normal voice] By the way,

if you don't know

who Andy Rooney is,

you're a child.

And if you do know

who Andy Rooney is,

you should probably eat

more grapefruit.

Tumors compared to fruit.

They're--

They're sometimes

compared to balls

like a golf ball

or a softball,

but the surgeon looked at me

and thought,

"I'm gonna stick with food.

I got a better shot

at this fat ass understanding."

I joke around,

but it was scary.

We have five children

and there were moments

when I was like,

"Oh, my gosh, if anything

happens to my wife,

those five kids

are gonna be put up

for adoption.

Some of these jokes

are just for the fathers.

My wife

was so amazingly strong

and brave during

this whole experience.

For three months after

the surgery

she couldn't eat solid foods

and her friends would send us

the most delicious food.

She couldn't eat.

So I found myself

hiding the food

and secretly eating it.

"This is like a whole new

eating disorder for me.

Am I supposed to feel shame

'cause I'm helping my wife!

Really I'm a hero."

She mostly ate Jell-O.

Jell-O.

You know what

they make Jell-O out of?

Bones and hooves.

I always thought

that was an urban legend.

Bones and hooves.

What kind of mad man...

"Let me have

the bones and hooves,

I've got an idea

for a kid's dessert.

It'll be huge.

We'll get Cosby

to do the commercials.

Everyone trusts him.

Anyone using the eyeballs?

I can make an abacus.

I've got tons of ideas."

They say laughter

is the best medicine--and it is,

after you've received

real medicine...

from a real medical

professional.

Prior to that,

you don't want any laughter.

You don't want a doctor

giggling during an exam.

[laughing] "Oh, my gosh,

this is your body?

Wow, nice man boobs."

My wife had the surgery

in New York City

at a hospital named

Mount Sinai.

I've noticed that

a lot of hospitals in the U.S.

are either named after Saints

or ancient places in Israel

which is not that reassuring

when you think about it.

It's like, "Hi,

welcome to our hospital.

We're all about science

which is why our building

is named after the place

God talked to Moses

as a burning bush.

Over here's our

Casper the Ghost wing...

next to our Astrology Center.

Do you like UFOs?

We love those.

We're all about science."

Spent two weeks

in the hospital.

People what work in hospitals

are truly amazing people.

-[cheering]

-They are.

So nice and supportive.

It makes you suspicious,

right?

Are they stealing the dr*gs?

They're a little too excited

to be around

sick people in pajamas.

And when I say "sick,"

I'm not talking about

the positive slang, right?

'Cause that's--that's part

of our language, right?

"That jacket is sick!"

But you don't want

a medical professional

to be like,

"Your test results are sick!

I mean, let me clarify,

you're dying."

It's got to be hard

to work in a hospital.

That hospital lighting.

Everyone looks sick

in that hospital lighting.

I walked in, they're like,

"We should get you to the ER."

"I'm just here

to see my wife."

"Well, you have jaundice.

See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!

I have jaundice, too!

We all have jaundice!"

When my wife would nap,

I would go to the cafeteria.

Hospitals have the most

cutting-edge medical equipment,

but they're still serving food

like it's Shawshank Redemption.

How about selling an MRI machine

and getting a pasta station?

"Jim, you're a monster."

There's different sections

in hospitals.

There's the Emergency Room,

the Intensive Care Unit.

Which sound scary,

but I don't know why anyone

would want to stay anywhere

but the Intensive Care Unit.

It kind of implies

the rest of the hospital's like,

"Look, we care, but we're not

gonna be a spaz about it."

"I get a phone call,

I'm gonna take it, right?

We're like

the Mediocre Care Unit.

Which is better than

We Couldn't Care Less Unit.

Those guys are horrible."

It's wild.

My wife was in surgery

for ten hours.

and before the surgery,

the surgeon told me, he goes,

"Half way through I'll probably

stop and get lunch."

I don't need to know that.

Why even tell me that?

Was he afraid I was gonna

run into him in the cafeteria?

"What are you doing here?!"

"I get these cravings.

Those Snickers commercials

are true."

But he was

a great brain surgeon.

We learned later on

that he's like the best.

I don't know how they determine

the best brain surgeon.

You know,

maybe there's a competition.

America's Got Tumors.

Heidi Klum

thought he was the best.

The best brain surgeon.

Isn't it enough that someone's

a brain surgeon?

None of us could even

get in Med School.

A brain surgeon goes

to medical school,

afterwards,

specializes in neurology,

after that, specializes

in surgery of the brain,

and we're like,

"Yeah, but are they any good?"

"Yeah,

they're a brain surgeon!"

You know what they do

with the bad brain surgeons?

They don't let them

become brain surgeons.

Can you imagine the pressure

on a brain surgeon?

At no point during their workday

can they say,

"Hey,

it ain't brain surgery."

'Cause it's always

brain surgery!

Every day!

"What'd you do at work, honey?"

"Brain surgery!"

"That's fun.

You want some fruit?"

"Never!"

My wife had a--she had

an amazing team of doctors.

She had the brain surgeons.

She also had

an ear, nose, and throat doctor.

Ear, nose, and throat.

That kinda sound like

they didn't make the cut

for brain surgeon.

"I wanna be a brain surgeon."

"You know what?

Let's stick with

the ears, nose, and throat.

You'd be better with the things

surrounding the brain."

"Can I have the eyes?"

"You know what?

Let's stick with the ears,

nose, and throat.

We promised the eyes

to the nerd at LensCrafters."

"Why pick an Optometrist?"

Those ear, nose,

and throat doctors,

they must look at dentists

and think,

"Just teeth?

That's it?

What about the tongue?"

"Not the tongue,

just the teeth."

"You just work on teeth?

Surgery on teeth?"

"Oh, I don't do the surgery.

That's the orthodontist.

I mostly scrape stuff

off of teeth...

while I listen to '80s music.

I love Debbie Gibson."

When you think about it,

dentist,

they don't do the surgery,

they don't even clean the teeth.

They're like, "You guys do

everything and then I'll come in

and jab 'em with

a sharp object...

while I listen to Debbie."

I did figure out what type

of doctor I would want to be,

which is an anesthesiologist.

'Cause just once I'd like to

walk in a room and go,

"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.

I'm gonna give you some dr*gs

so you can't talk or move...

and one of these strangers

is gonna cut you open.

Good luck."

What draws

someone to anesthesiology?

It's like, "I like medicine,

but I really enjoy

getting people high.

If I could combine the two.

I also prefer

to sit during surgery."

You ever see the

anesthesiologist during surgery?

They're always sitting

there like...

"I don't even know why

I have to be here.

Yeah, they're still alive.

Anyone got the WiFi password?"

But I have a newfound respect

for doctors.

I do.

'Cause when you think about it,

unless we're sick,

we listen to

absolutely nothing

doctors tell us.

They're like,

"You should lose weight."

"Never gonna happen.

What else you got?"

"You should exercise."

"Does eating

French fries count?"

"Get out of my office."

I don't even listen when

I bring my kids to the doctor.

The doctor's like,

"To avoid an infection..."

I'm like, "De de de de de de de

de de de de de de de de de."

My wife's like,

"What'd the doctor say?"

"Don't pick the scab.

I don't listen to nerds!"

That was the only time

I would ever see a doctor.

Is when I bring my kids in.

Sometimes I'd try and horn in

on a pediatric appointment.

The doctor'd be like,

"How's little Mikey doing?"

"Mikey's good.

He's good.

He's a little worried about this

mole I have on my arm.

Yeah, I explained to Mikey

that I've always had the mole,

but Mikey thinks it might've

changed colors."

"Jim, would you like

to make an appointment?"

"No, it's Mikey.

He just needs a thumbs up

or a thumbs down on the mole.

I know Mikey doesn't want to

play the Hippocratic Oath card,

but you have to tell us,

don't you?"

I'm mostly healthy.

I, uh, worked out today.

I know I don't need to.

When I'm home in New York City,

I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.

And I realize when people hear

"the Chinatown YMCA"

they think, "Oh, that's not like

a serious place to workout."

And it's not.

It's not at all.

It's mostly little kids

learning how to swim

and really old, Chinese people

with their parents.

I didn't even know

you could live to that age.

But I tell you, watching

a 90 year old on an elliptical,

really inspires me

to die in my 70s.

It looks like a machine

is eating someone's grandma.

But I love my Y, you know?

It's--It's different

from a normal health club.

There's never moments

when you think,

"Oh, my gosh, look at how much

weight that guy's lifting."

It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,

that guy's smoking...

on a treadmill

in dress pants."

It's very business-casual.

Sure my Y doesn't have

some of the amenities,

but it also doesn't have the

normal health club distractions.

I don't have to deal

with loud music

or people that are in shape.

I walk around my Y

and I'm like, "You know what?

I'm doing okay.

Maybe I should teach a class.

Hi, welcome

to advanced elliptical.

Doesn't matter if you don't

have workout clothes on,

we're not gonna be raising

our heart rate.

So let's step on,

pick a show,

and think about

what we're gonna eat.

Okay,

who's having a burger, huh?

Let's practice eating fries."

I'm ignored at my Y.

I'm ignored at all health clubs.

Like, when I walk

into a fitness area,

even in a hotel,

people always look at me like,

"I didn't know

they serve food here."

The only people that approach me

are personal trainers.

They're like, "You looking for

a personal trainer?"

"Uh, no."

"You should be."

So I've gotten to the point,

if I'm approached by

a personal trainer, I just

act like they're hitting on me.

They're like,

"Hey, how you doing?"

"I'm married."

"Uh, I don't think you unders--"

"I understand perfectly!

You wanna get with me...

but I'm taken, so you can look,

but no touchie."

I got to do some

international shows this year.

I performed in Japan

for the first time

-which was amazing.

-[cheers and applause]

I mean, I wasn't in Japan

just for stand-up,

I was also modeling.

I wish that wasn't that funny.

But Japan--

The Japanese are just--

they're--they're better

at being human.

Can we admit that?

They're--

You know, they're more polite,

they're better at design.

The Japanese toilet.

Are you familiar

with the Japanese toilet?

The Japanese took the most

disgusting experience

of human existence

and fixed it.

The Japanese toilet

washes you, dries you,

does your taxes...

and that is in

a Tokyo airport bathroom.

You leave a Japanese

public restroom

cleaner than

when you walked in.

You leave an American

public restroom with PTSD.

Your only thought is, "How can I

forget that experience?

Is there alcohol nearby?"

The entire time I was in Japan

I felt overweight.

Probably

'cause I am overweight,

but generally the Japanese

are thin.

I mean, there are people

that are overweight in Japan,

but not like in America.

We're better at not being thin.

'Cause if you get

really fat in Japan,

they make you Sumo wrestle.

They make their fat people

fight each other...

To entertain the thin people!

And the fat people in Japan

go along with it!

"Why am I doing this?"

"It's prestigious.

Now you try and push that other

fat ass out of the circle

while we try not to giggle...

[giggles]

But first,

throw on this giant diaper

and put your hair in a bun.

It's very dignified."

The Japanese are quiet

and polite.

They're like the opposite

of my children.

I had my kids with me and they

were always making loud noises.

Occasionally, I would catch

a Japanese person looking at

my poorly behaved kids

and then they would look at me

and I'd always say

the same thing,

"We're Canadian."

Of course,

we're not Canadian, but...

that is what

some Americans do

when they travel

internationally.

They tell people

they're Canadian.

Which I think is cowardly.

That's why I always

tell people I'm North Korean.

Then I get the respect

I deserve!

How much attention

does the country

of North Korea

need at this point?

Every two days

North Korea's like,

"We're gonna blow up

the world!"

Isn't there a party that's like,

"Then just do it.

Get it over with,

you spaz."

"Jim, don't even joke around

about that.

What if someone from

North Korea was in the audience?

They have a m*ssile program."

It's kinda fun tracking

the North Korean

m*ssile program, right?

They're like, "North Korea

has missiles

that can reach Alaska."

"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!

Well, I don't know anyone

that lives in Alaska."

"North Korea has missiles

that can reach the West Coast."

"Oh, my gosh,

the West Coast?

Well, I don't go there

that often."

"North Korea has missles

that can reach the East Coast."

"Whoa! We gotta do something

about this!

Now we're talking about

real people!"

-[cheers and applause]

-Oh, thank you.

I did some shows in China.

All in Chinese.

I picked it up at the Y.

It's not that hard.

It wasn't that complicated.

You visit some places

and you think, "All right,

there's a language barrier,

but I can get by."

In China I was like, "Oh,

if I got lost I would die here."

I wouldn't last a half a day.

Everyone's looking at me

like I'm a ghost anyway.

The Chinese were very nice.

They were fascinated

with my pale,

blonde children.

Many of them wanted pictures

with my kids.

They didn't really ask.

They just grabbed a kid.

"Can I have a picture

with this one?"

"I guess you're gonna."

And when they were done

with the picture,

they would rub

my blonde kid's head 'cause

you know, they're my kids,

but they're also lucky objects.

And after this happened

a couple times I was like,

"Hey!

We should charge, right?"

China was fascinating

and exhausting.

I brought my kids

to The Great Wall,

we saw the Terracotta Warriors,

we walked through

the Forbidden City,

we rode in a ricksha,

and when we were leaving

I asked my five year old,

I said, "What was your favorite

part of China?"

And he said,

"I liked that time we saw

the truck with the pigs on it."

'Cause at one point,

we were stuck in traffic

and this truck pulled up

and it had pigs in cages.

And that was

his favorite part.

After the 15 hour flight.

And I remember when that truck

pulled up

'cause I remember looking

at those pigs

and feeling sorry for them,

but those pigs looked happy.

It was almost like the pigs

were looking at me

and my five screaming kids

and going,

"Well,

at least we're not that slob."

I do enjoy travelling

to other countries.

Seeing how different,

but essentially similar

we all are.

Like the U.K. is not

that different from the U.S..

You know, if anything,

you go over there and it seems

like British people are trying

to be different from Americans.

They're like, [British accent]

"Oh, you drive on the right side

of the road?

Then--then we're gonna drive

on the left side of the road.

Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?

Then we're gonna call ours...

'mum'.

Oh, you call that a cookie?

Then we're not going

to the dentist."

[normal voice]

You know that's true.

[cheers and applause]

I did notice something

when I was over there.

You know, British people,

they don't say

"the" before "hospital."

You ever notice that?

They're like, [British accent]

"Hospital?

I was feeling knackered

so I went to hospital."

[normal voice] Whenever they

would do that, I'd say,

"Stop that.

That's wrong and weird.

Are you trying to sound

like a polite caveman?

And I had a friend from London,

he was like,

[British accent] "What makes you

think you're doing it properly?"

[normal voice] And I go,

"'Cause I'm American

and we invented

the English language."

It was a pet peeve of mine.

So I did some research.

You know why British people

don't say "the" before hospital?

'Cause they're dicks.

"Jim!"

I know that sounds harsh,

but admit it!

British people

always talk to Americans

like we just walked

into their jewelry store

with two full bags of garbage.

[British accent]

"Ugh, may I help you?

Are you lost?

[shudders]"

[normal voice]

Obviously, I love the Brits

and I would never do those jokes

there.

I have been lucky enough

to perform in the U.K.

a couple times and one time

I was walking through

Piccadilly Circus--

which, for the record,

is a horrible circus.

There's no animals.

No, I was walking through

Piccadilly Circus

and I saw they had

an M&M store

and I looked at that M&M store

and it just made me think

of all the things the British

have given the Americans.

Like our language,

Shakespeare,

the Magna Carta,

and I looked at the M&M store

and I thought,

"Now we're even."

When I looked at the M&M store,

I wasn't even embarrassed

to be American,

I was ashamed to be human

'cause has anyone at any point

in their life thought,

"When are they gonna open

an M&M store?

Sure, I can buy

M&Ms absolutely anywhere,

but I like to buy in bulk...

in a pro-M&M environment."

Obviously, we don't need

an M&M store.

We don't even need

different colored M&Ms.

They all taste the same.

They're just bits of chocolate

shaped like Advil.

With an M on it.

They're not even M&Ms.

They're Ms!

We don't do that

with anything else.

"You want some

raisin & raisins?

Go ahead, grab a handful

of raisin & raisins."

No, I don't even know

how many M&Ms

or Ms they would have to sell

in London

to justify Piccadilly Circus

real estate,

but this M&M store

is massive in the U.K..

It is three levels--

which I guess makes sense,

'cause the first level

so you can buy M&Ms,

the second level

so you can buy more M&Ms,

and then the third level

so you can jump to your death

'cause you wasted time

in an M&M store

when you were in London!

By the way,

I don't have any judgement.

If you personally enjoy

going to the M&M store,

that's fine, but, obviously,

you shouldn't vote.

[cheers and applause]

I was with my kids

at the time

and they wanted to go

to the M&M store,

'cause little children

only wanna do horrible things.

Kids never

wanna do something fun

like sit in a dark bar

and drink beer.

And I remember standing there

with my kids

and I was aware that

there were other parents

with their children

in the M&M store

'cause that's what you do

as a parent.

You do things with your kids

'cause you love them,

but I realized in that moment

I don't love my kids that much.

I love them enough

to walk by the M&M store.

"Jim, you're a monster."

But being a parent is not that

different from being a tourist.

It's essentially

the same experience.

In both

you walk around exhausted

spending money you don't have

while you look for a bathroom.

It's the same experience.

You know?

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I, uh...I was recently given

a gift certificate

for a massage which I will

never use because I'm not

one of the Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills.

I've gotten a massage before,

but I just--

I find it hard

to justify a massage like,

"You know what I deserve?

To have someone I don't know

rub my body.

Let's make that happen people."

'Cause massages

are always from strangers.

We get massages from strangers

'cause we can't count

on the people who love us

to touch us.

Right? I mean,

it could be your best friend.

"You see that guy?

I'd take a b*llet for him.

I'm not giving him a massage.

I'm no q*eer."

My wife, the woman I love,

the mother of my children,

here's my massage, "You good?

That's--my hand's cramping."

So we pay total strangers.

"Hey, I know nothing about you,

why don't I take off my clothes

and climb on this padded

dining room table?

Then you can do

whatever you want."

We know nothing

about these people.

I don't even ask

if their a masseuse.

"Oh, you're dressed like

an orderly in a mental ward,

why don't I get in the most

vulnerable position

I can think of?

How about face down

on the donut pillow?

Does that work for you?

'Cause then I can look

at your feet

and imagine

you're grabbing knives."

What do we really know

about massage therapists?

They like to rub strangers

for money

while they listen

to the Avitar soundtrack.

That's a red flag!

Those are the traits

of a serial k*ller!

I never know

what to say during a massage.

Sometimes I'll try

and break the ice.

I'll be like, "Hey, you're not

allergic to leprosy, are ya?"

They never laugh

'cause they're busy

imagining making a suit

out of my skin.

'Cause they're murderers.

They already put the lotion

in the basket.

-[cheers and applause]

-Thank you.

I don't even know what type

of massage I'm getting

when I get a massage.

"Do you want a deep tissue,

a shiatsu,

or a Swedish massage?"

I'm like,

"I'll take the blonde."

I don't know.

'Cause men view massages

differently.

A woman gets a massage

her friends are like,

"Good for you."

A guy gets a massage,

"You dirty dog, eh!"

'Cause men sexualize

all human interaction.

"It was a therapeutic massage."

"How therapeutic?"

"Nothing happened."

"Yeah, that's what

we'll tell your wife, huh?"

That's gotta be frustrating

for massage therapists.

That double meaning.

"Did you get a massage

or a massage?"

No other occupation

has to deal with it.

"Did you get a cavity filled

or a cavity filled?"

"How many dentistry references

is he gonna have?"

For me, a massage is just

an hour of awkwardness, right?

She gets done,

she leaves the room,

I put on the robe,

I step outside,

she hands me a glass of water.

I always look at her and go,

"You're never gonna call me.

What a charade."

I did have

one massage therapist,

she told me they're allowed

to turn people down.

I don't know

why she told me that.

[chuckles]

It was after a show.

Can you imagine getting

turned down

by a massage therapist?

That's rough.

"Yeah, you couldn't pay me

to touch you.

Not for all the money

on the planet."

Massages,

that's how some people relax.

Some people relax

in a hot sauna.

And sure,

who doesn't love recreating

the feeling of being trapped

inside an active volcano?

I don't understand

the appeal of a sauna.

Here's every experience

I've had in a sauna.

I'm like, "Okay,

I'm gonna get a sweat going,

it's gonna be

really good for me.

Here we go.

It's time to get out, right?

I don't wanna overdo it."

What is so relaxing

about sitting in a hot box

next to a pile

of smouldering rocks?

I always look at the rocks like,

"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,

they're done.

That's a wrap

on the rock cookin'."

And to make the sauna

more enjoyable,

you're always seated next to

a naked, 80-year-old man.

"Oh, good, I get to sweat

next to someone's grandpa

who's only wearing

a hand towel."

The nudity in the sauna

seems unnecessary.

This isn't Rome.

I just look around

the sauna like, "Wow...

so this is why

we wear clothes, huh?"

So we may eventually eat.

In Finland--In Finland

where they invented the sauna,

they relax in Finland

by drinking vodka in the sauna.

Which might explain why

we've never read

any Finnish literature.

Vodka in the sauna?

Actually, the Fins,

they pronounce it, "Sao-na"

'cause they're wasted.

[slurred speech]

"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'

and drink some 'bodka'?"

Drinking vodka in a sauna?

You know what kind of

ideas you come up with?

An M&M store.

-[cheers and applause]

-Thank you.

In Finland--In Finland,

I was invited to take a sauna.

I was also invited

to go cross-country skiing

and I could think is,

"Is fun illegal here?"

Like what kind of antidepressant

do you have to be on

to enjoy cross-country skiing?

I can't believe

cross-country skiing's

even a sport.

"Hey, you know that awkward part

in downhill skiing

where you're trying

to get over to the lift?

What if we just did that?

Whoo!

This is fun!

And to turn around--"

"You know what?

Don't turn around.

Let's go across the country."

People who enjoy winter

seem mentally unstable.

Right?

Some of those winter activities

should get you committed.

It's like, "Look, we love you,

we're just worried.

I mean,

yesterday we caught you

walking through the woods

with tennis rackets

tied to your feet.

This morning, we saw you

sweeping the frozen lake.

What's next?

You sitting in a sled

being pulled by dogs?

Get some help."

Oh, I did one of those

genetic tests.

I was surprised to find out

I'm all Asian.

You do learn things

from those genetic tests.

Like I discovered

I wasted 100 bucks.

[laughter]

They send you information.

Mine just said,

"Dude, you're white.

In fact,

you're very white.

I hope you feel guilty."

They didn't even break down

my nationality.

They just highlighted

all the British Isles.

They're like,

"You're trash from here.

Wherever people need sunscreen."

But what do we expect to learn

from these genetic tests?

Like, "Oh, my gosh!

I'm related to my ancestors!"

We're only gonna find out

bad news.

You see it in the commercials.

I thought I was Italian,

but it ends up,

my great-grandma

was a whore.

[laughter]

So I guess

I'm Eastern European.

Sometimes people think

I'm saying

Eastern Europeans

are whores and...

I am.

No.

My point is,

only good family news

is passed along.

Like, if your great-grandfather

was Abraham Lincoln,

you'd already know that,

but if your great-grandfather

was the town drunk,

your grandpa's likely to go,

"Uh, I don't remember.

I think he worked in a bar.

Chief gutter inspector."

I do know I have

some Irish ancestry,

but, apparently, the Irish

didn't keep great records

'cause, well,

draw your own conclusion.

Something tells me

they weren't busy sunbathing.

I'm Irish,

but I have blonde hair.

Supposedly, the only reason

the Irish

have blonde or red hair

is 'cause the Vikings invaded,

pillaged,

and probably other stuff.

Those Vikings,

the Scandinavians,

I don't know if

you've been to Sweden,

it's like a whole country

of Scarlett Johanssons.

If I was in Ireland at that

time, I would've been,

"Oh, no, some Viking ladies

coming to pillage me.

I guess I'll hide on this bed

covered in rose petals.

Hopefully she can help me

put together that table.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

They say last names

can tell you something.

Like if your last name

is Cooper,

that means you probably had

an ancestor who made barrels.

If your last name is Canter,

that means somebody

along the line was a singer.

My last name is Gaffigan,

which is Gaelic

for "highly anxious."

And when I learned that,

all I could feel was...

highly anxious.

I mean...

how anxious do you have to be

for people to go,

"You should go with it

as your name."

"Why's that?"

"That's what

we call you anyway."

It does seem like

some last names

were chosen to impress,

right?

You know, someone's like,

"You know what?

I want the ladies to know

I'm successful,

so I'm gonna go with

the last name, 'Goldman.'

Goldman,

what are you going with?

"Weiner."

I want the ladies to know

I like hotdogs."

But who knows?

Maybe last names mean nothing.

You know,

where I'm from in Indiana,

there is a guy who owns

an RV dealership

and his name is Tom Raper.

That's his name.

And there are billboards.

"Come see Tom Raper."

And people go.

"Well,

we should check it out."

Now I don't know

why we would let someone

named Raper sell RVs.

They are essentially

mobile crime scenes.

If my last name were Raper,

I wouldn't leave the house.

How do you even

go out to dinner?

"Party of two.

Raper.

Is there a Raper here?"

Are there family reunions?

"Are you a Raper?

I'm a Raper.

Is this your son?

He looks just like a Raper.

It's so fun getting

all the Rapers together."

In Milwaukee, I stayed in

a hotel named The Fister.

That was the name.

The Fister.

And--And, obviously, they were

sensitive to it sounding weird,

so they added a P at the front.

So it was The Pfister.

Hey, it worked

for Michelle Pfeiffer.

And that hotel was started

by a man named Guido Pfister

who thought,

"My name's Guido Pfister,

why don't I go

into hospitality?"

Guido Pfister?

His name sounds like

an ethnic slur.

"Get outta here,

you Guido Pfister!

Go pfist somewhere else!"

[laughter]

I don't know if you can tell

by looking at me,

but I'm kinda obsessed with

not being interested in fashion.

It's, uh, something I care

deeply not about.

And I'm aware that

not being into fashion

is a fashion choice, right?

How annoying is that?

It's like,

"Oh, you're not into fashion?

That means

you're an norm core."

Why can't I just wear clothes

to cover my disgusting body?

Why must it be a choice?

'Cause the only choice I make

when it comes to clothing

is

"does it still fit me?"

I don't know

if you've had an opportunity

to fat out of clothes.

That's a special feeling.

There are watershed moments

in your life, right?

When you hold

your newborn child

or you fat out of a T-shirt.

It's amazing 'cause you don't

even go to the obvious

conclusion.

You're like,

"Well, this shirt used to fit.

I haven't grown

since I was a teenager.

Oh! I'm a fatass!

Well, time for a burrito."

The best is when you

pack for a trip

and you fat out of clothes,

but you don't realize

until you get there.

[laughs]

You sit there and you go,

"Well, I guess I can wear that

as long as I don't

breathe out...

or sit down."

You ever wear a shirt

you can't sit down in?

"Yeah, you know what?

I'm gonna stand.

I know it's Thanksgiving.

I'm more thankful standing.

Better angle for carving."

I still have all the clothes

that don't fit me.

They're in my closet

in case I have a dramatic

weight loss over a weekend.

It's ridiculous.

It's like I'm curating

an exhibit of my weight gain.

"Well, that suit

was from 30 pounds ago

and that sweater was from

last winter

and this shirt--

this shirt never fit."

Have you done that?

Have you bought clothes

that don't fit

thinking that'll be

the incentive to lose weight?

It's like,

"Well, I've only gained weight

for the last 40 years,

maybe this shirt'll

turn it around."

"How'd you lose weight?"

"I bought a shirt.

It worked."

No, fashion's kind of wasted

on me.

You know, like,

those fashion shows.

To me, fashion shows

just look like skinny tennagers

walking around

in their parent's clothes

looking for food.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

"Ma,

there's no food out there.

All right, I'll change

my outfit and look again."

Fashion shows are rather absurd

when you consider

they're just people

sitting around watching people

walk around in clothes.

Which is what people do

in clothes everyday.

But at fashion shows,

they're so fascinated.

They're like,

"Oh, my gosh.

Ooh, wow, look at that person

walk in clothes.

How do they do it?

If only we could watch them

do laundry."

And we all know

what a fashion show is

'cause we've seen it

on TV.

In December they televise

the Victoria's Secret

Fashion Show--

which is excellent,

by the way.

Well, that one's different

'cause there's angels.

So there's a spiritual aspect...

to the thongs their peddling.

It's interesting.

All the models are beautiful.

You ever notice that?

You're like, "Yeah, Jim,

that's the point."

No, but all the models--

They pick people that would look

good in any clothing.

Like, if you want me

to buy a suit,

show me Michael Moore

looking good in it.

And I'm not picking

on Michael Moore.

I'm friends with him.

I like Michael Moore.

And not just 'cause he proves

you don't need to shower

to be famous.

You ever see Michael Moore

on television?

He looks like he's been robbed

of everything he owns.

"Are you the victim

of a shipwreck?

What happened?!

Pull it together!

You won an Academy Award!

Stop shopping

at the lost and found!"

But I understand

Michael Moore's mentality.

Fashion's not gonna

change his life.

It's not gonna change my life.

I look the same whether I'm

wearing a T-shirt or a tux.

I still look like someone

who eats fast food.

Probably 'cause I do

eat fast food.

I look the way I look.

Look, I didn't vote for Trump,

but I walked around

New York City and everyone

the week after the election

looked at me like,

"You did it!

You did it!"

And I was like,

"I didn't do it!"

But after a couple days

I was like, "Did I do it?"

I know people are scared

about Trump being president,

but I can tell you,

as a straight, white male,

-I feel like I'll be okay.

-[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

My wife hates that joke

and I love her,

but not enough

to get rid of that joke.

I would do anything for my wife

I'm aware of that.

But there are people

that are more romantic.

Prince Edward abdicated

his right to the English throne

for the woman he loved.

Isn't that unbelievable?

He was forced to choose between

the woman he loved

or being King of England,

and that idiot...

chose the broad.

Now I'm sure in that moment

it was the right decision

and I'm happily married,

but even in

the best relationship,

each person has thoughts

where they go,

"I've made an enormous mistake."

But we never thought,

"I could've been

King of England."

Do you think Prince Edward

really ever got over that?

Every time he had

to empty the trash,

he was like,

"A King of England doesn't have

to empty the trash!

The King of England can chat

with his ex on Facebook!"

Can you imagine

what kind of news event

that abdication was

in the U.K.?

There must've been,

"He's gone mad.

We should get him

to hospital."

"Jim, your British accent

is getting worse.

Why wouldn't you take

five minutes

and learn a good accent?

It's just lazy.

It's just lazy."

My wife's pretty amazing.

She is better at things

and I'm not ashamed to say that.

Like, her guilt trip,

legendary.

My wife is half Catholic,

half Jewish,

so her guilt trip is like

a superpower.

I walk in a room,

she looks at me,

and I feel horrible.

And that's called love.

We've been together so long

I will get angry

about a guilt trip

she hasn't even given me yet.

I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch

the football game."

She's like, "Okay."

And I'm like,

"'Cause I want to!"

I'm always in trouble

with my wife

'cause I'm selfish,

I'm lazy, insensitive,

and a bunch of other stuff.

She rattles on.

And I understand being

in trouble for stuff I've done,

but sometimes I get in trouble

for stuff other men have done.

Once I got in trouble for

something a guy did in a movie.

I was watching a movie

with my wife

and in the movie there was

this married guy with children

who left his family

for a 20-year-old woman

and I knew in that moment

I should sleep on the couch.

[laughter]

And the movie ended

and my wife looked at me

and she was like,

"Why would someone do that?"

And I was like,

"Uh, it--it was in the script?"

I didn't say that.

I just said,

"Where do you want me to sleep?"

I hope it doesn't sound

like I'm picking on her

'cause I'm grateful to have her

in my life.

It's nice to have a partner.

Someone looking out for you,

you look out for them.

Like I did two weeks of shows

out of town in December

and when I came home,

my wife informed me that she

made me an appointment

for the gastroenterologist.

If you're unfamiliar,

that's the doctor

that sticks the camera

up your butt.

I mean,

they do other things,

but that's what

they're famous for.

That's probably how they

attract people to the field.

"You like photography?"

[laughter]

"Then I got a job

that you're gonna love!"

I didn't ask my wife

to set up this appointment.

I wasn't sick.

I didn't have any symptoms.

She just did it 'cause

she was looking out for me.

So she casually brought it up.

She goes, "Just so you know,

I made you an appointment

for the gastroenterologist.

And I said, "Just so you know,

I won't be going."

She's like,

"Why wouldn't you go?

It's just a consultation."

I said,

"Well, it's the principle.

I'm an adult.

I make my own decisions.

Thank you."

Anyway, so I'm at

the gastroenterologist...

[laughter]

The doctor starts to describe

the procedure

and I said, "Look,

I should probably let you know,

I don't really enjoy

getting my picture taken.

I would be open

to an ultrasound,

I think a lot of men

are curious what the jelly

on the belly feels like."

Anyway, the doctor,

he didn't think it was funny.

[chuckles] And I knew it was

precautionary, so I agreed.

So he went over

to his computer and he goes,

"All right,

my next available appointment

is in three months."

I was like, "Three months?!"

This was in December.

I didn't know if I wanted

this procedure

hanging over my head

during the holidays.

"Jim, you want

another piece of pie?"

"No, I'm getting

a camera up my butt.

I don't want some

team of doctors to be like,

'Wow, this guy loves pie.

Barry, get out here.

He's got half a pie up there.'"

I didn't know what could delay

this important procedure,

but part of me

didn't want to find out.

I didn't want the doctor

to be like,

"Well, the real delay is finding

someone to clean the camera.

That takes forever.

Turnover in that position

is insane, you know?

People do it once

and they're like,

'You know what?

I'm going back on food stamps.'"

Then I was thinking,

maybe it's the doctor.

Maybe he's like, "Dude,

I can only do this procedure

once a month.

Then I gotta take a week off,

sit on the beach,

and ask myself

'Why keep sticking cameras

up people's butts?'

I could've been a dentist."

"Again with

the dental reference."

But in February

I had the procedure

and I think every man in here

should get a colonoscopy

because I had to.

It's not an easy decision

'cause the best news

you can find out from getting

a camera stuck up your butt

is learning you didn't need

to have a camera

stuck up your butt.

That's the best news.

"Yeah, we didn't need

to do that.

We can just chalk that up,

one for fun."

And the day before

the procedure,

you can't eat anything.

And I'm a total pig,

so it was terrifying.

but after I was awake

for five hours

and I hadn't eaten anything,

I wasn't hungry.

I was suicidal.

I was so bored.

I was like, "What am I

supposed to sit here

and feel feelings?"

And then at noon

and at 6:00 p.m.

you have to drink this serum

that I believe is made by

a collaboration

of ex-lax and Taco Bell.

Printed on the side of the serum

it should've just said,

"Drink this in the bathroom.

Might wanna grab a pillow

and a book."

'Cause I tell ya,

I've had diarrhea before...

This is the point where everyone

acts like

they've never had diarrhea.

"I don't even know what

Jim's talking about. Do you?"

Yeah, I'm the only one

who's had diarrhea...

in a hotel hot tub.

Okay.

[laughter]

Like we're at the same hotel.

No, I've had diarrhea.

I don't wanna brag.

No, I've had diarrhea,

but calling what this serum did

to my body "diarrhea" is

an insult to the word diarrhea.

My body made noises

I didn't know existed.

At one point I thought

I stepped on a puppy.

[laughter]

I was

in the bathroom for hours.

For hours.

Checking email--

ignoring phone calls

'cause serum or not,

you can't answer the phone

in the bathroom

'cause you can't hide the fact

you're in the bathroom

'cause there's an echo.

"Are you in a well?"

"Yes! Yes, I'm down here

in a well.

No kids in this well!

Making sure no kids

fell in."

But I kept getting this call

from the doctor's office

and I thought there might be

important information

like someone saying,

"Do not drink the serum!"

So I answered it

and it was just someone

confirming the appointment

and I don't know how

someone's supposed to sound

when they confirm a colonoscopy,

but this person

was really casual.

They're like,

"Hey, how are you?

So, we're gonna

see you tomorrow?"

I'm like, "What?

Are we having brunch?

I thought I was getting

a camera up my butt."

She gave me the address.

The next morning I went there.

It wasn't at a hospital

or a clinic,

it was at some building.

Just picture where you imagine

the Black Market

would harvest human organs.

"What am I doing here?"

And I took an elevator

to the basement.

There was this huge space

with all these makeshift rooms

with shower curtains.

And I was let into one.

There was all this talking--

You know when you're nervous

and you think you hear things?

I thought I heard someone go,

"I can't believe he's here.

I want his kidney."

And I was terrified.

And then eventually

an anesthesiologist walked in,

he gave me a shot

and he goes,

"Just wanna go through

what's gonna happen.

Right now I'm giving you

some medicine

which will knock you out

and when you wake up,

you won't remember anything.

You okay with that?"

And against every instinct

in my body, I just went,

"Okay."

And the last memory I had

is just watching

the anesthesiologist leave

the room as I heard someone go,

"I want his spleen."

And I woke up

and I was fine.

I mean, I'm pregnant,

but I'm fine.

I'm not pregnant.

My wife?

I haven't talked to her

in an hour.

You know, and--

but we got five kids

and that seems like a lot.

And, frankly,

it's too many.

It's--It is a lot,

but what am I gonna do now?

It's not like they come

with free return shipping.

I love--I love having

five kids.

I travel with them 'cause

I don't wanna be away from 'em

and also I enjoy the look

on waitstaff's faces

when I walk in

with my family.

'Cause my kids are five, six,

eight, eleven, and thirteen.

And we walked

into a restaurant in Dallas

and I saw a waitress look at me

and my family

and quit her job.

I mean, she could've been

getting off her shift,

I just saw her look at us

and throw down her apron

and storm off.

And I felt like we won.

But I like being a dad,

you know?

It's--I try to do one-on-one

time with each of my kids,

but it's hard 'cause I travel

and there's a lot of 'em.

So sometimes that special

Daddy and Me time

is just doing something

mundane like going with me

to the Post Office.

It's like, "That's right,

buddy, just you and me

going to find out why we got

this damn slip on our door.

Stick that in the memory bank."

"My dad,

always making time for me.

Squeezing me into errands.

I remember walking

to the Post Office and listening

to him bitch and moan

about the Federal Government.

What a guy."

I try to be a good dad.

I got my kids a dog.

-I rescued a dog.

-[cheers]

-Thank you. Thank you.

-[cheers and applause]

Well, it's not like

the dog was drowning.

The dog wasn't a victim

of sex trafficking.

I just went in a building,

gave a guy money,

and got a dog.

That's how I rescued it.

After that I rescued a pizza.

I actually--I had to wait

to rescue the dog

'cause the dog was in Jamaica.

I don't know if it was

on vacation.

But I rescued a dog

from paradise

so it could live in my crowded

New York City apartment.

Sometimes I put the leash on

the dog and it looks at me like,

"I used to run on the beach...

And now I sleep in a cage.

My only hope is that one day

you'll get rescued."

But "rescue" is the language

of today, right?

We mean adoption.

Now, people don't even say

they own dogs.

Now people say

they're a dog parent,

but I feel like dogs

are different from kids.

Like, you never hear a parent

say, "You know, my son had

some behavior problems,

so we gave him to a friend

who had a farm upstate.

You know,

that way he could run around

and we'll visit him

on weekends."

"Jim, you're a monster."

I'm no saint, but nobody is.

Nobody even goes

for saint today, right?

There's no saints.

Nobody's like,

"You know what I'm thinking

of, uh, I'm either gonna go

graphic design or saint."

Nobody goes for it

'cause, well, there are--

there are Latter Day Saints.

There's Mormons.

I love the Mormons.

I don't know

what Latter Day means.

Maybe that means they're,

like, devient till 3:00 p.m.

They're like,

"Well, kids are coming home,

let's get out of these

S&M outfits, honey.

Back in khakis."

I'm talking about

the traditional Catholic

sense of a--of a saint.

Nobody goes for saint anymore

'cause it's too hard.

To be considered

a Catholic Saint

you have to perform

two miracles.

I don't know why it's two.

It's not like half of us

would be like,

"You know, if it was one

I'd go for it.

Yeah, 'cause I can do

that thing with my elbow."

It's not like one miracle's

not impressive.

You're never in a job interview,

"Let's see here,

special skills, walk on water,

Microsoft Word.

Tell me about

the Microsoft Word."

Actually,

where I live in New York City

is where

the soon to be first

African-American Saint

is buried.

His name was Pierre Toussaint

and he was a hairdresser.

I didn't even know you could be

a hairdresser and a saint,

but he, apparently,

got done cutting people's hair

and they were like,

"This is a miracle."

And he was a great man.

And he'll--he'll be a saint.

He'll probably be the

Patron Saint of Hairdressers.

You know, 'cause saints,

they're in charge of things.

Like, "You're in charge

of hairdressers,

you're in charge

of lost objects,

St. Patrick,

you're in charge of Ireland."

St. Patrick,

Patron Saint of Ireland.

Every March 17th we honor

St. Patrick by getting wasted.

-[cheers and applause]

-Right?

But we don't know.

We don't know.

St. Patrick could be

up in heaven going,

"I didn't even drink.

What are these people doing?

I like the color blue.

I made that very clear.

Can someone remind God

I'm from Italy?

I don't wanna

rock the boat here,

but these Irish

are degenerates."

'Cause they don't

get to choose

what they're

the Patron Saint of, right?

Like St. Bonaventure?

Patron Saint of bowel issues.

I'm not making that up.

Bowel issues.

Talk about a promotion

you don't want.

Bonaventure's in heaven,

St. Peter comes and goes,

"Bonaventure, you're a saint."

Bonaventure's like, "Yes!

Yes! Am I

the Patron Saint of Scholars?"

"Not scholars."

"Wha--What am I

the Patron Saint of?"

"Bowel issues."

"Bowel issues?"

"Yeah, you know when someone's

getting a colonoscopy

or say they're sitting

on the toilet with I.B.S.

or expl*sive diarrhea

praying to God.

Well, we don't want them

praying directly to God.

So...you would be

like a conduit.

That way God's not talking to

someone who's doing number two."

"Uh, okay."

'Course I'm talking about

Catholic Saints

'cause I'm Catholic.

I'm not a good Catholic.

Like, if there was a test

for Catholics,

I would fail.

But, then again,

most Catholics would fail.

Which is probably why

there's not a test.

But since I'm Catholic

and I'm a comedian,

I was asked to open for the Pope

when he visited America.

And before you're impressed,

it didn't go well.

Like, I opened for the Pope, but

the Pope wasn't sitting there

like, "Ha ha ha ha."

I don't know

how the Pope laughs.

Hopefully not like

Jabba the Hutt.

But I did 15 minutes of stand-up

and then the popemobile

drove into this

outdoor amphitheatre space.

I opened for an automobile.

And that's not even the first

time I've opened for a car.

I had to cut my honeymoon short

so that I could perform

at the Iowa State Fair

where I opened

for Kyle Busch's NASCAR.

Kyle Busch wasn't there,

just his car.

I did 15 minutes of stand-up

and then some stagehands

pushed his number 18

on the stage

and audience members came up

and got pictures with the car.

The car did better.

But I did open for

the popemobile in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia,

The City of Brotherly Love

and if you've been there,

you know they mean that

sarcastically.

I love Philly,

but saying Philadelphia's

The City of Brotherly Love

is a little bit like saying

"Syria, a place for peace."

But I love Philly.

You know,

I love the whole Northeast.

I'm from the Midwest,

but I choose to live

in the Northeast

because I love the energy

and I love the fact that

everyone in the Northeast

is angry for absolutely

no reason at all.

-[cheers and applause]

-Furious!

From Philadelphia to Boston,

pissed off.

Right?

That whole Acela Line.

I call it the Corridor of Hate.

But that is why

we are the United States.

Think of those initial

13 colonies.

Like, in Virginia,

those guys--

Like Jefferson and Madison,

those guys were like

the philosophers.

Like, "We're born with these

inalienable rights.

We should have representation."

But it was the people

in the Northeast and Boston

they were like,

[Boston accent] "Screw it.

Dump all the tea in the harbor.

Those English are dicks.

They don't say 'the'

before hospital." You know?

Don't you wish you were there

when the Bostonians explained

to the Virginians,

"Yeah, we listened to all that

stuff you said, so we started

a w*r with England.

The greatest superpower

on the planet."

The Virginians were like,

"Wha?!

We were talking hypothetically."

Even Patrick Henry was like,

"When I said 'Give me liberty

or give me death,'

I didn't mean actual death.

I was talking like

death by chocolate death."

But so I was in Philadelphia

for the event,

at the soundcheck

and they had constructed

this huge amphitheater

next to the Ben Franklin Parkway

which is a highway

and the amphitheater was empty.

And I was up there

doing the soundcheck

and I looked on the highway

and it was already filled

with a million people.

And I looked at those people

and I thought, "Wow,

a million people that don't want

to see me do stand-up comedy."

'Cause they were all there

to see the Pope

and not one of those

million people was thinking,

"I hope the Pope has a comedian

open for him."

But I shouldn't have

been surprised.

In the weeks leading up

to the event,

there were all these interviews.

They're like,

"You're opening for the Pope.

There's gonna be millions

of people there.

Are you nervous?

Are you gonna prepare?"

And I'm like,

"I'm definitely nervous.

I'm definitely gonna prepare."

Anyway, I didn't prepare.

So I was onstage

at the soundcheck,

looking at those million people

and I thought,

"I gotta come up

with some Philadelphia jokes."

But what do I know

about Philadelphia?

I know cheesesteaks,

Liberty Bell,

and I had just watched

this ESPN 30 For 30 documentary

about Eagles fans in 1968

throwing snowballs

at someone dressed like

Santa Claus.

That's all I knew.

So I went off and I tried

to think of some

Philadelphia jokes.

Before you knew it,

the event started

and I was introduced

and I walked out

and the amphitheatre

was still empty.

'Cause, you know,

the Pope wasn't there

and it was a Catholic event,

so everyone was at the bar.

So I was like, "All right,

I guess I'm just gonna do

my show for no one."

So I go, "It's good to be here

in Philadelphia."

and I heard this roar behind me.

[mimics crowd screaming]

And it was all the people

on the highway.

And I was like, "All right,

I'll play to them."

I was like,

"Philadelphia loves the Pope."

[mimics crowd screaming]

And I was like,

"Not that I was worried,

but you guys

weren't that nice to Santa."

-Nothing.

-[laughter]

Silence.

And then I heard something

that sounded like booing

'cause it was booing.

It wasn't everyone.

It was like 10%.

So, 100,000 people...

booing my Santa joke

before they saw

their religious leader

who was gonna talk to them

about mercy.

So I did what anyone would do

when they're being booed,

I acted like

I wasn't being booed.

I did some jokes about

being lazy and food

and I kinda got the crowd back.

And I got off stage,

disaster averted.

And I pulled out my phone

and I started checking Twitter

and I saw the most angry,

hateful tweets I've ever seen.

"How dare you bring up

the Santa incident!

Never come back to Philly.

I wish I could punch you.

Bringing up the Santa incident

in Philly is like

bringing up the Holocaust

in Germany."

That was an actual tweet.

Of course, the difference being

that the Holocaust happened

and Santa has never existed.

[laughter]

At that moment there was

a tap on my shoulder

and it was one of the organizers

and they're like,

"Do you wanna meet the Pope?"

And I was like, "I'm good."

I was like, "Yeah, of course

I'd love to meet the Pope."

So I was put in this room with

some of the other performers

and we were lined up

and the Pope came in.

And they started greeting people

and I noticed

people that the Pope

was meeting,

they were saying something

to the Pope.

and I didn't know

what I was gonna say

to the Pope

and before you knew it,

the Pope was right in front

of me and I just said,

"Don't bring up

the Santa incident."

[cheers and applause]

And the Pope,

he didn't say anything.

He just gave me a look of like,

"Dude, I would never do that.

This is Philadelphia.

They'd crucify me."

All right, that is all for me.

Thank you for coming out.

[cheers and applause]

I will see you soon.

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music playing]

BOY:

That's Mom and Dad.
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