Action, George.
Hi, and a lovely
good evening to you.
I hope you're feeling well,
and I hope your family is
prospering in the new
global economy.
You know, I was so proud
when HBO asked me to pick out
some of my favorite
routines to present
on this special evening.
A little easierthan I thought.
First of all, I tried to exclude
anything that mentioned
elastic poisoning
or quadriplegic sex.
This is my favorite.
I have to attend a funeral
tomorrow, a friend of mine was
beaten to death by a buggy
full of Amish people.
Also, I didn't want to include
any routines that contained
long passages in Hebrew.
Say, did you ever stop
to realize that right now
somewhere in the world,
someone is getting ready
to hang himself.
I recently tried to get a job
as a gynecologist but...
couldn't find an opening.
Right now,
my thighs are seizing up,
and my loins have
a tingly feeling.
Say, why don't
they have testicles
the size of hail stones?
That's good.
Say, why don't they have hail
stones the size of testicles?
Here's a safety tip;
always wear a thick
leather glove
when giving a porcupine
a hand job.
Last week they found a spot
on my lung,
fortunately,
it was barbecue sauce.
Did you know, by the way, that
it's bad luck to k*ll a priest
with a fountain pen?
If you love someone,
set them free.
If they come home,
set them on fire.
I'll bet there aren't too many
people hooked on crack
who can play the bagpipes.
What do you think is more
immoral;
k*lling two 100-pound people,
or k*lling one,
big fat 300 pound person?
I always feel sorry
for homeless gay people,
they have no closet
to come out of.
I'm outta hats.
I hope you enjoy
tonight's program.
You realize Hitler
only had one ball?
What do you think about
a man with one ball,
you think he has
two strikes against him?
Maybe he's got one ball
and two strikes.
Hitler only had one ball.
A lot of people don't knowthat.
A lot of people don't knowthat.
They say Hitler, geez,
he had a lot of balls...
One.
Thank you, hi, howdy, hello,
how are ya', how do you do,
how are you doing,
how's it going, what's going on,
what's new, what do you think,
what do you hear,
what do you say,
what do you feel,
what's shakin',
what's happening,
que pasa, what's going down,
what it is?
Well, we've got all kinds
of ways to say hello,
we got lots of ways
to say hello.
You know what my
favorite one is?
How's your hammer hangin'?
That's a good one, isn't it?
It doesn't work too well
with women, you know?
Unless you're talking
to a female carpenter,
then it's perfectly all right.
I've always wanted
to say that one
to a high church official.
Good evening, your Holiness,
how hangs the hammer?
So far, I haven't had that
opportunity.
Then there's one way
to say hello that
I really don't care for,
there's one way I don't like.
You know how some people
will say to you,
are they keeping you busy?
As if someone has the right
to come up and give me odd jobs.
They say to me,
are they keeping you busy?
And I say, well, your wife
is keeping me pretty busy,
I'll tell you that.
And that seems to hold them
for about a half an hour.
Then we have a lot of ways
to say goodbye, too.
We've figured out all kinds
of ways to say goodbye.
We say bye-bye, so long, see you
later, take it easy, be cool,
hang in there.
You know what my
favorite one is?
Don't get run over.
Well, some people need
practical advice, you know?
And some guys will say to you,
hey, have a good one.
I say hey, I already have
a good one.
Now I'm looking
for a longer one.
And that seems to hold them
for about a half an hour.
Then you have all the foreign
ways to say goodbye.
You know, some people when they
leave you they think
they gotta get tricky.
And they'll whip an arrive derci
on you, or an au revoir,
or auf wiedersehen, or adios,
orthe American version of
that one, adios m*therf*cker.
Or aloha, that's a nice one,
isn't it?
Aloha, they say that in Hawaii,
of course, and that means
hello and goodbye.
Which just goes to show, if you
spend enough time in the sun
you don't know whether
you're coming or going.
Then have you noticed this,
sometimes you'll get in a rut
with the way you say goodbye.
Do you ever find yourself
using the same phrase
over and over again
with everybody,
and you feel a little stupid,
you know?
Like if you're leaving a party
and you have to say goodbye
to five or six people in a row
and you say okay take it easy,
okay take it easy, okay take it
easy, okay take it easy,
okay take it easy, okay,
you feel like a g*dd*mn moron,
you know?
Do you know what I do?
Every month I change the way
I say goodbye.
Whether I need to or not,
every month I start using
a different phrase.
People like that.
They notice that little
extra effort.
They'll say to me, pardon me,
but didn't you used to say
okay, hey, take it easy.
I say, yes, I did,
but not anymore.
Now I say farewell,
farewell, till we meet again,
peace be with you, may
the forces of evil become
confused on the way
to your house.
That's a strong one, isn't it?
People will remember you
if you talk like that.
Or sometimes you can combine
several ways to say goodbye that
don't seem to go together,
like toodle loo, go with God,
and don't take
any wooden nickels.
Then people don't know what
the f*ck you're talking about.
Or, you can say goodbye
in a realistic manner,
so long, Steve, don't let
self-doubt interfere
with your plans
to improve your life.
Well, some people need
practical advice.
Now here's a situation you run
into all the time.
You notice how when you're
leaving someone,
a lot of times they'll
give you a message
to give to someone else.
Like they say,
give my love to Klaus.
Tell Klaus, Rebecca
sends her love.
Do you mind that?
Do you mind being used
that way?
Do you mind the awesome
responsibility of having
to carry Rebecca's love
to Klaus?
Suppose you don't see Klaus,
what are you gonna do
with Rebecca's love,
carry it around?
Give it to someone else, maybe.
Wilhelm, I can't find Klaus,
here's some of Rebecca's love.
Suppose Wilhelm
doesn't know Rebecca,
can he legally accept her love?
Especially when it was
originally intended for Klaus.
Suppose you give Wilhelm
Rebecca's love for Klaus
and then you see Klaus,
what are you gonna give him?
All you had was Rebecca's love,
and you've already gone
and given that to Wilhelm.
Can you logically ask Wilhelm
to give back Rebecca's
love to Klaus?
Maybe he's gotten
used to it by now.
Can Klaus sue Wilhelm?
Can Wilhelm be arrested?
Can you be arrested
fortransporting love
across a state line?
All right, just for
the sake of argument,
let's leave Wilhelm
out of this all together.
Suppose Rebecca gives you her
love to give to Klaus,
and you do see Klaus,
what form should the love take?
Can you risk giving Klaus
a tongue kiss?
Which brings up another problem,
maybe Klaus is gay.
Klaus doesn't want
Rebecca's love,
Klaus wants Wilhelm's love.
If Klaus tells you to give his
love to Wilhelm,
say bullshit, Klaus,
you give your own love
to Wilhelm,
I'm going to find Rebecca.
One final little portion
of this,
sometimes people want you
to take a hug and a kiss
to someone forthem.
Nowthey've got you
carrying cargo.
Give him a big hug
and a kiss for me,
give him a big hug
and a kiss for me.
Usually it's women,
I find that women are
a little more expressive
at times like these.
And sometimes they're
really explicit.
Bye-bye Elaina,
drive carefully,
and give Jake
a big blow job for me.
Well why don't you get Klaus
to take care of that for ya'?
Hey, baby, what's happening?
Que pasa?
Que what you call your pasa?
Al Sleet here,
your hippy-dippy weatherman,
with all the hippy-dippy
weather, man.
Brought to you
by Parson's Pest Control.
Do you have termites,
waterbugs and roaches?
Well, Parson's
will help you get rid
of the termites and waterbugs,
and help you
smoke the roaches.
Hey.
Temperature at the airport
is 88 degrees,
which is stupid, man,
cause I don't know anybody who
lives at the airport.
Now if you'll take a look at our
national weather map,
you'll see that
we don't have one.
So try to picture
last night's map...
in your mind.
Remember all the letters
and lines,
all them little numbers.
The weather is dominated
by a large Canadian low,
which is not to be confused
with a Mexican high.
Tonight's forecast...
dark...
continued dark tonight,
turning to partly light
in the morning.
Old Al, Al got out
of the weather business
when he realized he had given
the... the final weather forecast.
He had given the ultimate
forecast,
there was nowhere to go.
You know, when there's nothing
left to conquer in your field,
hey, it's time to leave.
And old Al had given
the ultimate forecast,
he told us, he said one night
that the weather will continue
to change on and off
for a long, long time.
Then he was gone from us.
God bless Al.
I would have been out here
a little bit sooner
but they gave me the wrong
dressing room,
and I couldn't find anyplace
to put my stuff.
And I don't know how you are,
but I need a place
to put my stuff.
So, that's what
I've been doing back there,
just trying to find a place
for my stuff.
You know how important that is,
that's the whole,
that's the whole meaning
of life, isn't it?
Trying to find a place
for your stuff.
That's all your house is,
your house is just a place
for your stuff.
If you didn't have so much
g*dd*mn stuff,
you wouldn't need a house.
You could just walk around
all the time.
That's all your house is,
it's a pile of stuff
with a cover on it.
You see that when you take off
in an airplane and you look down
and you see everybody's got
a little pile of stuff.
Everybody's got their
own pile of stuff.
And when you leave your stuff,
you gotta lock it up.
Wouldn't want somebody to come
by and take some of your stuff.
They always take the good stuff.
They don't bother with that crap
you're saving.
Ain't nobody interested in your
fourth grade arithmetic papers.
They're looking
forthe good stuff.
That's all your house is,
it's a place to keep your stuff
while you go out
and get more stuff.
Now, sometimes,
sometimes you gotta move,
you gotta get a bigger house.
Why? Too much stuff.
You've gotta move
all your stuff,
and maybe put some
of your stuff in storage.
Imagine that, there's a whole
industry based on keeping
an eye on your stuff.
Enough about your stuff, let's
talk about other people's stuff.
Did you ever notice when you go
to somebody else's house
you never quite feel
You know why?
No room for your stuff.
Somebody else's stuff is
all overthe place,
and what awful stuff it is.
Where did they get this stuff?
And if you have to stay
overnight at someone's house,
you know, unexpectedly,
and they give you a little room
to sleep in that they
don't use that often,
someone died in it 11 years ago
and they haven't moved
any of his stuff.
Or whereverthey
give you to sleep,
usually right nearthe bed
there's a dresser
and there's never any room
on the dresser for your stuff.
Someone else's shit is
on the dresser.
Have you noticed that
their stuff is shit,
and your shit is stuff?
Get that off of there.
Now, now, sometimes you go
on vacation,
you gotta bring some of your
stuff with you.
You can't bring all your stuff,
just the stuff you really like,
the stuff that fits you
well that month.
Let's say you're gonna go
to Honolulu,
you're gonna go all the way
to Honolulu you gotta
take two big bags of stuff,
plus your carry on stuff, plus
the stuff in your pockets.
You get all the way to Honolulu
and you get in your hotel room
and you start to
put away your stuff,
that's the first thing
you do in a hotel room
is put away your stuff.
Now I'll put some stuff in here,
put some stuff down there,
here's another place
some stuff here,
I'll put some stuff overthere.
You put your stuff overthere,
I'm putting my stuff over here.
Here's another place
for some stuff.
Hey, we got more places than
we've got stuff.
We're gonna have
to buy more stuff.
And you put all your stuff away,
and you knowthat you're
thousands of miles from home,
and you don't quite feel
at ease, but you knowthat you
must be okay because you do have
some of your stuff with you.
And you relax in Honolulu
on that basis.
That's when your friend
from Maui calls and says hey,
why don't you come overto Maui
forthe weekend,
spend a couple
of nights over here?
Oh, shit no.
Now what stuff do you bring?
Right, you've gotta bring
an even smaller version
of your stuff,
just enough stuff
for a weekend on Maui.
And you get over, and you are
really spread out now,
you've got shit all
overthe world.
You've got stuff at home, stuff
in storage, stuff in Honolulu,
stuff in Maui,
stuff in your pockets,
supply lines are getting
longer and harder to maintain.
But you get overto your
friend's house in Maui
and they give you
a little place to sleep,
and there's
a little window ledge
or some kind of a small shelf,
and there's not much room on it
but it's okay,
cause you don't
have much stuff now.
And you put what stuff you do
have up there,
you put your imported French
toenail clippers,
your odor eaters
with the 45 day guarantee,
your cinnamon flavored
dental floss,
and your Afrin 12 hour
decongestant nasal spray.
And you know you're
a long way from home,
you knowthat you must be okay
because you do have
your Afrin 12 hour
decongestant nasal spray.
And you relax in Maui
on that basis.
That's when your friend says,
hey, I think tonight we'll go
to the other side of the island,
stay at my friend's house
overnight.
Oh, shit no.
Now what do you bring?
Now you just bring the things
you know you're gonna need;
money, keys, comb, wallet,
lighter, hankie, pens,
cigarettes, contraceptives,
Vaseline, whips, chains,
whistles, dildoes and a book.
I'd like to talk a little bit
about baseball and football.
Starting with baseball,
baseball is different
from any other sport in a lot
of different little ways.
For instance, in most sports,
you score points
or you score goals.
In baseball, you score runs.
In most sports, the ball
orthe object is put in play
by the offensive team.
In baseball, the defense puts
the ball in play,
and only the defensive team is
allowed to touch the ball.
In fact, in baseball,
if an offensive playertouches
the ball intentionally,
he's out.
Also, most sports,
the team is run by a coach.
In baseball, the team
is run by a manager,
and only in baseball
does the manager orthe coach
have to wearthe same uniform
the players do.
Can you picture Bill Parsells
in his New York Giants uniform?
Now, baseball and football are
different from one another
in other kind of interesting
ways, I think.
First of all, um, baseball is a
Football is a 20th century
technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond
in a park, the baseball park.
Football is played on a gridiron
in a stadium,
sometimes called Soldier Field
or w*r Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring,
the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall
when everything is dying.
In football,
you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned
with downs.
What down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups.
Who's up, are you up?
I'm not up, he's up.
In football, the specialist
comes in to kick.
In baseball, the specialist
comes in to relieve someone.
In football, you receive
a penalty.
In baseball,
you make an error.
Whoops.
Football has hitting, clipping,
spearing, blocking, piling on,
late hitting, unnecessary
roughness and personal fouls.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind
of weather; rain, sleet, snow,
hail, mud, can't read
the numbers on the field,
can't read the yard markers,
can't read the players' numbers,
the struggle will continue.
In baseball, if it rains we
don't come out to play.
I can't come out to play,
it's raining out.
Baseball has a seventh
inning stretch.
Football has
the two-minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit, we
don't know when it's gonna end.
We might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed
and it will end
even if we have to go
to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game
in the stands there's kind
of a picnic feeling,
emotions may run high or low
but there's not that much
unpleasantness.
In football in the stands during
the game you can be sure
that at least 27 times
you are perfectly capable
of taking the life of a fellow
human being,
preferably a stranger.
And finally,
the objectives of the two games
are totally different.
In football, the object is
forthe quarterback,
otherwise known
as the field general,
to be on target with his aerial
as*ault, riddling the defense
by hitting his receivers
with deadly accuracy
in spite of the blitz, even if
he has to use the shotgun.
With short b*llet passes
and long bombs,
he marches his troops
into enemy territory,
balancing this aerial as*ault
with a sustained ground attack
which punches holes
in the forward wall
of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball, the object
is to go home,
and to be safe.
I hope I'll be safe at home,
safe at home.
There's some words that are
perfectly clean,
but sound like
they could be filthy
if you gave them just
a little help.
Aword like pussyfoot.
It's perfectly clean,
but when you say pussyfoot,
there's a little giggle,
cause people knowthat
with a little help,
this word could be filthy.
No matter what form of the verb
you try, it's clean as a verb,
but pussyfoot...
could be a noun.
It could be a noun, pussyfoot,
a rare disorder,
a female birth defect.
Hello, boys...
I have pussyfoot.
God, you sure do, lady...
and I love them open-toed shoes
you have on.
Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot
than woodpecker,
I can say that for myself.
Or beer nuts.
God, that must be awful.
Beer nuts, the official disease
of Milwaukee.
I know whenever I see the little
canister behind the bar,
I drop in a couple of dollars
for beer nuts.
I think we need a lot more
research on beer nuts.
Or, cotton balls,
which is the dreaded
final stage...
of beer nuts.
When my beer nuts
turn to cotton balls,
I'll be heading home to you.
It's an old Southern hymn.
There are lots of little phrases
like that in the language
that don't quite say
what they mean.
Take a shit is another one.
Take a shit!?
You don't take a shit,
you leave a shit.
That's the whole idea,
to leave it.
I left a shit.
Fine, thank you, Jeff.
Where'd you leave it?
In the icebox.
I'm gonna take a shit.
Don't take one of mine.
I only have two left
and the weekend is coming up.
Why don't you go home and take
one of your own shits?
Guy's always mooching off me.
He must think I'm made of shit
or something.
Boy, that shit don't grow
on trees, you know?
Are there any, uh, any guys here
tonight wearing an earring?
How about a sanitary napkin,
do you have one of them on, too?
Naw, naw, naw, that's a cheap,
that's a cheap joke.
I'm sorry, that was a cheap
joke, and I'm betterthan that.
No, I'm not.
Well, I only ask
for a specific reason,
don't mean to embarrass anybody.
See, I once wore an earring,
and I'm wondering if the climate
is still the same for people
who take a chance.
And I don't know, I guess it's
a little different now,
this was 10 or 12 years ago.
It can't be quite the same.
But, uh, when you wear
an earring, certain things,
I noticed certain things.
This was I'd say 10 years ago
I decided to wear an earring.
The only reason I had a very
simple motive,
I just wanted people to think
I was different, okay?
And I thought, well,
I'll drill a hole in my flesh.
I only have seven holes
in my head now,
I'll make an eighth hole
in my head
and put an ornament in there,
and people will have
to deal with me.
I just wanted people to think
I was a little strange, okay?
I mean, apparently,
it wasn't strange enough
that I stand up here
going [noises].
I needed something
a little extra.
And I thought well,
self-mutilation,
that might do the trick.
So I drilled a hole in my ear,
put an ornament in there,
and set about my task.
The first thing I noticed was
that some people didn't care.
In fact, the whole world seemed
indifferent to what I had done.
Most people will not even look
at the earring, I noticed that,
they would look right in my
eyes, ignoring the earring,
and I know what's going through
their mind, they're thinking
this assh*le is wearing
a f*cking earring.
But a lot of people wouldn't
look at it cause
they couldn't handle it.
That's, I knowthat's
what was going on,
they couldn't handle it cause
they didn't know what it meant.
You know some people think
everything has
to mean something.
Well, some things
don't mean anything,
but people think
it means something.
It means you're gay, if it's in
this ear it means you're gay.
If it's in this ear it means
you like to hump water buffalo
or something, I don't know?
Somebody said to me, well,
what does it mean?
I said, it means I k*lled
a man in prison
for asking f*cking questions.
And that seemed
to satisfy his curiosity.
Another guy says to me,
are you gay?
I say, well, bend over
and let's find out.
You know,
I mean, it's the same thing
if a man carries a little bag,
a little purse
in his hand, you know?
That's all it is, it's a little
purse, it's a purse, that's all.
Some guys can't
handle that word.
Some guys who carry them
can't even call it that.
They'll say where's
my little bag.
I say f*ck you, it's your purse.
Pick it up and get out of here,
will ya'.
I mean, if you can't handle
the word, don't carry the bag.
That's all it is,
is a little purse.
I got one, big deal.
What does it mean?
But some people like taunt you.
They'll say, is that your purse?
And I say yes, it is.
And I have a picture
of your mother in here
sucking off an Indian.
And that seemed to satisfy
their curiosity.
So I wore this earring for
about two years orthree years,
and then I decided
not to wear it anymore
when I heard that
Andy Rooney had one.
I thought, well, f*ck me,
how different can I be?
So I stopped wearing it,
and my hole grew over,
my earring hole.
No, not my assh*le, what,
are you crazy or something?
Get outta here.
No, your assh*le grows over,
you might as well check
straight into a cemetery,
cause you're gonna spend a lot
of time walking around the beach
wondering why you're
getting larger.
No, no, no, no, my earring
hole grew over,
and people noticed it.
People would say,
aren't you gaining weight?
And I'd say yes,
my earring hole grew over.
And aren't you a keen observer
of detail.
But these days, if you wanna be
different these days,
one earring isn't enough,
you've gotta have a whole colony
of those g*dd*mn things growing
up the side of your head
like they're out of control.
Some guys are walking with a 30
degree list to port,
setting off metal detectors
all overtown.
Or if you really
wanna be different,
you've gotta get
your nose pierced.
That'll make you different,
get your nose pierced.
Actually, you don't have
to get it pierced,
you can do it yourself at home
with a paper punch.
Ohh.
Makes a nice clean hole,
only hurts for about a month.
And then you can put one of your
dad's tie tacks in there.
Hi, dad.
What's that,
one of my tie tacks?
Yup.
Well, make sure you
bring it home.
You'll make a good impression
at the job interview
with one of your dad's tie tacks
sticking through your nose.
I figure it's your body.
Well, some guys won't
get that done.
That's not a guy's thing
forthe most part.
You won't see too many guys
with the nose,
it's more of
a woman's thing to do.
Guys figured out
a long time ago,
hey, I get punched in the face
with one of those things in,
it's gonna staple my nose
to the back of my skull.
Whoa, this f*cking hurts, man.
Well, I wanted to be different.
Well, you are now.
No, that's not for men.
Forthe most part you don't see
men, it's women have that.
And some women have
more than one.
Some women have two orthree
of those things in there.
God, I could never
have handled that.
I mean, it was hard enough
keeping one earring clean.
Can you imagine three nose studs
and a heavy cold?
Whoa, forget about it.
And you might sneeze
and k*ll your friend.
Achoo,
ahhh, f*cking Joey,
my eye...
my eye.
Now your friend
has a pierced eye
to go along with
your pierced nose.
I don't have
a nice day anymore.
I don't bother much with that.
I think I'm beyond that now,
I think I've outgrown
the nice day.
I think I've had my share.
Why should I be hogging
all the really nice ones?
Let somebody else have a few.
Of course, everybody still
wants me to have one.
Everybody wants
me to have a nice day.
Have a nice day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wanna give me
my f*cking change, please?
I'm triple parked.
Some of them are
really insistent,
I said have a nice day!!
All right, all right,
g*dd*mn it, all right,
I'll give it a shot.
That's the trouble
with have a nice day,
it puts all the pressure on you.
Now you've gotta go out
and somehow manage
to have a good time,
all because of some
loose-lipped cashier.
Have a nice day.
Maybe I don't feel like
having a nice day.
Maybe, just maybe,
I've had 116 nice days in a row,
and I'm ready by God,
for a crappy day.
I never hearthat,
let them wish one of them,
hey, have a crappy day.
Thank you, and to your wonderful
family as well.
Acrappy day, hey, that would be
easy, it's no trouble at all,
a crappy day,
just get up.
There's no planning involved
for a crappy day.
I know what it is that bothers
me about that whole thing.
It's the word nice.
It's just a weak word.
It doesn't have a lot of
character, you know? Nice.
Isn't he nice?
Oh, he is so nice.
And she's nice, too.
Isn't that nice.
How nice they are.
I don't care forthat,
you know?
It's like fine.
There's another word.
How are you?
Fine.
Bullshit.
Nobody's fine.
Hair is fine.
How's your hair?
Fine.
That makes a lot more
sense to me.
Some guys are great.
Did you ever meet
those guys? Great.
Isn't this great?
g*dd*mn, this is great.
Look, they're gonna
k*ll that guy.
Isn't that great?
That's great.
No, not me, I'm not nice,
I'm not fine, I'm not great.
People ask me how I am,
I say I'm fairly decent.
I don't give them any
superlatives,
nothing to gossip about,
relatively okay.
Sometimes I'll say,
I'm moderately neato.
If I'm in a particularly
jaunty mood
I'll say I'm not unwell,
thank you.
That pisses them off
cause they have to figure
that one out forthemselves.
So...
it reminds of something my first
grade teacher used to say to me,
a little lady,
she used to say,
you show me a tropical fruit
and I'll show you
a cocksucker from Guatemala.
No, that, that was someone else,
that was someone else.
Now, the dog might
just embarrass you
if it gets the chance.
Let's go out to the front
of your house,
out to the living room.
And, uh, you're there now
with your dog,
he's there of course,
and you have some friends in,
some neighbors over,
sitting around the coffee table.
And, uh, chit chat, you know,
talking to each other,
you brought your Pepsi down
but f*ck them,
let them get their own Doritos.
I'm not here to feed
the neighborhood.
And everybody's sitting around
and the dog is
licking his balls.
And nobody mentions it.
Aspectacularthing
going on there.
If I could reach,
I'd never leave the house man.
Are you kidding me?
They don't even mention it.
They say things like,
isn't he cute?
He's taking a bath.
He appears to be licking his
balls to me, Marge.
Yeah, he's been on that one spot
for over an hour.
That's a mighty selective bath.
No, no, no, no, nice doggie,
no, no, nice doggie,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
nice doggie, no, no, no.
Don't you knowthey have the
cleanest mouth of any animal?
I'm just going by
where he's been, honey.
I am not a chemist.
I was what they called
a fussy eater.
He's fussy.
He's a fussy eater.
Fussy eater is a euphemism
for big pain in the ass.
I mean, if I didn't like
something, I told them.
I didn't play with my food,
pick at my food,
I said I don't like that.
You make this?
I don't like it.
Why?
They wanted reasons.
Well, you don't always
have a reason.
I don't know.
I know I don't like it.
And I knowthat if I ate it,
I would like it even less.
You like it, you eat it.
Then they would try to corner me
with logic,
how do you know you don't like
it if you've never even tried.
It came to me in a dream.
Some things don't look right.
I don't like that, Ma.
Don't look right to me.
Did you make that?
Is there a picture of it
in the cookbook?
I'll bet it don't
look like that.
Let's face it, be honest, some
things don't look right.
Of course, some people will eat
anything, I knowthat.
Some guys will eat anything.
I sawthose guys in the Army
on the chow line.
What's this? Never mind.
Give me a whole lot of it.
That's rat's assh*le, Don.
Well, it certainly makes
a hell of a fondue.
It don't look right.
I don't eat anything I don't
recognize immediately.
If I have to ask questions,
f*ck it, I pass, you know?
Tomatoes don't
look right, either.
On the outside, they're fine.
Tomatoes look lovely
on the outside.
But you look inside a tomato
and something is wrong.
Something has gone afoul inside
of a tomato.
It doesn't look right,
you know?
It doesn't look like it's
finished yet, for one thing.
It looks like it's in the larval
stage or something.
There's thousands of seeds
and a whole bunch
of jelly looking stuff.
Get it off my plate.
It's gushy, it's like that stuff
at the end of an egg.
And I know it's not
the end of an egg,
it's the beginning of a chicken.
It's hen cum.
Get it off my plate.
Kids, besides being...
too young,
are also too little.
That's anotherthing they have
to put up with,
they're too g*dd*mn little.
You've noticed them,
haven't you?
I wouldn't laugh
in front of them, man,
but they're too f*cking little.
Kids spend all theirtime,
all those important years
way the hell down there.
Teeny little things.
They really do start you out
small when you're a kid,
don't they?
Look at this, Dan,
we've got a kid.
What you gonna do with him?
Gonna raise him.
Don't plant them too deep,
you know?
Sure, for all those years
you're stuck down there
and the whole world's up here.
Or, you're stuck down here,
and the whole world is up there.
Everything's up there.
Everything's built forthem,
all the furniture, right?
Oh, they give you one little
table and a couple of chairs
in your room, you know?
But your brother sits on it
and breaks it.
You're stuck,
everything's up there.
Hey, pardon me, hey, look out
forthe cigarette, will ya',
ouch, g*dd*mn it.
You wanna look forthe cookies?
Would you look for
the cookies, please?
Yeah, they're up there,
they're not down here.
They don't keep them here,
they keep them up there.
I can't see up there at all.
I've never seen it up there.
I wouldn't know where to look,
they're up there somewhere,
just take a look around,
would you?
Would you please look... just
give it a chance, give it a try,
just look everywhere, open
everything up, open everything,
look in everything up high.
Do you know where they are?
He knows where they are.
Tell him,
tell him where they are.
He knows where they are.
Tell him, just tell him,
just tell him you know?
Hey, come on, oh, come on.
Yeah, man, you don't know much
down here.
Well, you know about
the nap of the rug.
You have a pretty clear idea
about the migration of dust
in an urban apartment.
You know where all
the electrical outlets are.
Makes you handy as hell the week
before Christmas.
Come here, Dad, I'll show you,
come on, hey, come on over here.
This one had a brown mark on it.
Sure, you're just a little guy
down here,
and your handle is extended,
that's the thing they
use to take you places.
Come on, we're going downtown.
And simply because you're
so small,
just because you're...
tiny...
they pick you up
and throw you in the air.
You don't see them throwing each
other in the air, do you?
It isn't safe.
Just you,
because you're teeny.
Your uncle comes over
on Thanksgiving,
whoa boy, look at him,
ain't he a teeny...
g*dd*mn, I'm gonna
throw him up in the air.
Come here.
I got him. I got you, hold on.
I got him.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, I got him.
Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.
I lost him in the sun.
We got any turkey left?
Yeah, there were rules, I wasn't
too good at rules myself.
Well, I was good
at breaking them.
You'd think that would count,
you know, it's a category.
No such luck,
it was marked against you.
Didn't have a lot
of luck with them
because they didn't
all seem logical to me.
For some reason or another,
some of them seemed dumb.
Now, there were good rules,
to be sure,
there were some fine rules.
No running with the scissors...
that's one I always obeyed.
Made sense to me.
Shit, this big mother will go
right through me.
What are you doing?
I'm not running
with the scissors.
Another good rule was
no sticking your head out
of the high speed
railroad train window.
g*dd*mn, Dad, good rule.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't want us to get
our heads chopped off.
f*cking great, must be having
a great day, Dad.
There were some rules
that were not so intelligently
drawn, I felt.
Some things that didn't
make a lot of sense.
No running in the halls.
Hey,
why, cause it looks
like fun, that's why.
No running in the halls.
Where you gonna run,
in the rooms?
Gotta keep turning
in the rooms, man.
Can't get up any speed at all
in the rooms.
Hallways,
made for running.
Another, uh, dumb rule I thought
was no singing at the table.
Why?
One guy with a bad voice
a hundred years ago
f*cked it up for everybody else?
Why?
No singing at the table.
Why? Because I said so.
First sign of a dumb rule.
Yeah, you can stand right next
to the table all during dinner
and sing your ass off.
It's not covered by the rule.
"I'm standing nearthe table
during dinner and I'm singing,
and it isn't even covered
by your rules."
Sit down, you.
That was your middle name, you.
Have you noticed that
you never seem to get laid
on Thanksgiving?
I think it's because all
the coats are on the bed.
You know how you can tell
when a moth farts?
He flies in a straight line.
It's the old American double
standard, you know?
Say one thing,
do something different.
And of course, the country is
founded on the double standard.
That's our history.
We were founded on a very basic
double standard.
This country was founded
by sl*ve owners
who wanted to be free.
Am I right?
Agroup of sl*ve owners
who wanted to be free.
So they k*lled a lot of
white English people
in orderto continue owning
their black African people
so they could wipe out the rest
of the red Indian people
and move West and steal
the rest of the land
from the brown Mexican people,
giving them a place to take off
and drop their nuclear weapons
on the yellowJapanese people.
You know what the motto...
you know what the motto of this
country ought to be?
You give us a color,
we'll wipe it out.
You got it.
So anyway, about 80 years after
the constitution is ratified,
the slaves are freed.
Not so you'd really notice it,
of course,
just sort of on paper.
And that was of course during
the Civil w*r.
Nowthere's another phrase
I dearly love,
that is a true oxymoron
if I've ever heard one,
Civil w*r.
Do you think any country
could really have...
a civil w*r?
Say, pardon me [g*nshots]
I'm awfully sorry,
I'm awfully sorry.
So, now of course,
the Civil w*r has been over
for about 120 years,
but not so you'd
really notice it.
Cause we still have these people
called Civil w*r buffs,
people who thought it was
a really keen w*r,
and they study
the battles carefully,
and they try to improve
on the strategies
and the tactics to increase
the body count
in case we have to go through
it again sometime.
In fact, some of these people
actually get dressed up
in uniform once a year
and go out
and refight these battles.
You know what I say?
Use live amm*nit*on, assholes.
Would you, please?
You might just raise
the intelligence level
of the American gene pool.
But what do you expect,
hey, come on,
this is a w*r-like country.
We come from that
Northern European,
basically the
Northern European genes,
the blue eyes,
those blue eyes,
boy, everybody in the world
learned real quick,
didn't they, when those blue
eyes sail out of the North,
you better nail everything down,
m*therf*cker.
Nail it down, strap it down,
orthey'll grab it.
If they can't take it home,
they'll burn it.
If they can't burn it,
they'll f*ck it.
That's what happened to us.
And it's a w*r-like country.
Come on, I mean,
forget foreign policy,
even the domestic rhetoric
is w*r-like.
Everything about our
domestic policy invokes
the thought of w*r.
We don't like something in this
country, we declare w*r on it.
The w*r on poverty,
the w*r on dr*gs,
the w*r on crime,
the w*r on AIDS,
the w*r on cancer.
We got the only national anthem
that mentions f*cking rockets
and bombs in the g*dd*mn thing,
you know what I mean?
All right.
I'd like to talk a little bit
about sports.
Sports are very big
in this country,
I am a sports fan.
That's fine, thank you.
Yes, I know a lot of people feel
positive about sports.
As I say, I'm, I'm not
a fanatic about sports,
but I'm not
a casual observer, either.
I was watching ESPN today,
for which I am thankful,
by the way, all sorts of strange
things they show on ESPN.
Today they had some swimming
that was interesting,
the women's 200 meter
breast stroke.
Well, I'd never seen a woman
with 200 meter breasts,
so I was really interested.
But I'll tell you this,
I'm enough of a sports fan
that I suggest, I have some
rules changes
I would like to suggest.
I think there are some changes
we could make in certain sports
that would make them more
exciting, you know?
Like in football,
I would let all 45 guys
play at the same time.
You know, what's this shit
standing around
watching the game.
Get in there, put a helmet on,
and hurt somebody,
for Christ sakes, will you?
You're not getting paid
to watch.
And never mind lining up,
just grab the ball
and run like a m*therf*cker,
you know?
Anotherthing I would do
in football,
I would leave the injured
on the field.
Well, they're always talking
about how it's a big w*r
going on out there.
Fine, let the Red Cross
come around
and pick these assholes up.
Here's how I'd change
basketball,
you could make basketball
a lot quicker.
You know what you do, you have
a two-second shot clock.
Soon as that ball is in bounds,
get that son of a bitch
up in the air.
I didn't come to watch
a game of catch,
I'm looking for a
I'm a fan,
I want six overtimes
and a thousand points
on the board.
Anotherthing I would do
for basketball,
at the center court line
for 10 feet on either side
of the center court line,
I would have a gasoline fire.
You talk about the fast break,
you'd see the really fast break.
Here's another suggestion
for basketball,
I would allow
that goes in the basket
off another guy's head.
You'd see some good fights
during those close games,
I'll tell you.
And, you'd increase the chance
for serious injuries.
That's what I'm looking for,
injuries.
That's what I like about sports.
I don't care who wins these
games, if I want to see winners,
I'll watch the Academy Awards.
I'm looking for injuries,
serious, life-Iong, crippling,
debilitating injuries.
I'm an American,
give me a little v*olence
and I'm a happy guy.
Most people won't admit that.
Most people won't admit that.
They'll say, well,
I like the competition.
Yeah, like Hiroshima, right?
f*ck the competition,
I'm looking for a leg
in two orthree places.
Well, now, getting back to how
we can improve these sports
and speed them up, you know?
Baseball needs
a little speeding up.
You know how you
speed up baseball?
Everybody gets one swing.
That's it, one swing, f*ck you,
you're out, sit down, come on,
let's go, come on, sit down,
next, come on, let's go.
Here's anotherthing
that would make base...
baseball a lot faster,
if the pitcher hits
the batter with the ball,
batter is out.
You hit 27 guys,
you got yourself a perfect game,
my friend.
You get two really good
accurate pitchers out there
and you could be out of that
ballpark in 15 minutes.
You could be home watching
football on TV,
and see some serious
g*dd*mn injuries.
One more thing for baseball,
out in the outfield
I would have a series
of randomly placed landmines.
There's Marshall, settling under
that ball [expl*si*n].
Holy shit.
Now, I must explain,
the only reason I mentioned
baseball, basketball
and football
is because to
my way of thinking,
these are really the only
three sports we have.
Nothing else qualifies
as a sport according to me.
Everything else is a game
or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind.
People think hockey is a sport.
Hockey is not a sport,
hockey is three activities
going on at the same time;
ice skating,
playing with a puck,
and beating the shit
out of somebody.
Now, if these guys were
intelligent at all
they would do these things
one at a time.
First you go ice skating,
then you play with the puck,
then you go to the bar and
beat the shit out of somebody.
The day would last a lot longer
and these guys would have
a whole lot more fun.
Tell you another reason hockey
is not a sport,
it's not played with a ball.
Anything that isn't played
with a ball can't be a sport.
These are my rules,
I make them up.
Hockey is played with a puck,
what is a puck?
I never even heard of a puck
outside of hockey.
Have you ever heard of a puck?
The only other place you find
a puck is in the urinal
to control the smell
in the bathroom,
all right?
And as far as I'm concerned,
any game where the main object
is something that
came out of a urinal
is definitely not a sport.
Soccer, soccer is not a sport
cause you can't use your arms.
Anything where you can't
use your arms, can't be a sport.
Tap dancing isn't a sport,
I rest my case.
Anotherthing I don't like
about soccer,
they've got dots on the ball.
That's a big rule of mine,
no g*dd*mn dots on the ball.
Running, people think running
is a sport.
Running isn't a sport,
anyone can do it.
You know, anything we can all do
can't be a sport.
I can run, you can run.
My mother can run,
you don't see her
on the cover
of Sports Illustrated, do you?
People say I'm gonna run down
to the store
and buy a loaf of bread.
Fine, it's not a g*dd*mn sport.
I'm not gonna pay to watch you
buy a f*cking loaf of bread.
Swimming, swimming
isn't a sport,
swimming is a way
to keep from drowning.
That's common sense.
Sailing, sailing isn't a sport,
sailing is a way
to get somewhere.
Riding a bus isn't a sport.
Why the f*ck should sailing
be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport,
boxing is a way to beat the shit
out of somebody.
In that respect,
boxing is a more sophisticated
form of hockey.
But beating the shit out
of somebody is not a sport,
in spite of what
the police think.
When police brutality becomes
an Olympic event, fine,
then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling,
bowling isn't a sport
cause you
have to rent the shoes.
Don't forget, my rules,
I make them up.
Billiards, now billiards is not
a sport because
there's no chance for serious
injuries
unless you welsh on a bet
in a tough neighborhood.
Then, if you see a guy
with a pool cue
sticking out of his ass,
you knowthat might be
a sport's related injury.
But that's not billiards,
that's pool.
And that starts with a P
and that rhymes with D,
and that brings me to darts.
Now, darts could be a sport,
cause you might
put somebody's eye out.
But darts will never be a sport
because the whole object
is to reach zero, which goes
against all sports logic.
Lacrosse,
lacrosse is not a sport,
lacrosse is
a f*gg*t college activity.
Sorry about that.
That's right, any time you're
standing in a field
with a stick with
a net on the end of it,
you're engaged in
a f*gg*t college activity.
Same thing goes for field hockey
and fencing.
These things aren't sports
because you can't
gamble on them.
Anything you can't gamble
on can't be a sport.
When was the last time you made
a f*cking fencing bet?
Gymnastics,
gymnastics is not a sport cause
Rumanians are good at it.
It took me a long time
to come up with that rule,
but by God, I thought of one.
Polo,
polo isn't a sport,
polo is golf on horseback.
It's a great concept,
but it's not a sport.
And water polo,
I don't even want
to mention water polo
cause it's extremely cruel
to the horses.
Which brings me to hunting.
You think hunting is a sport?
Ask the deer.
The only thing
good about hunting
is the many accidents
on the weekends.
Which brings me to auto racing,
now we're talking serious
g*dd*mn injuries, folks.
I don't know about you,
but that's what I'm looking
for in auto racing,
a nice crash and a car fire.
I don't care
who wins these races,
it's the same five rednecks who
win all the time anyway,
who gives a shit
about these people.
I've gotta be honest with you,
listen, I gotta be honest,
driving 500 miles in a circle
does not impress me.
I'm looking for an accident.
Let me put it this way,
when else am I gonna see
a 26-car collision and not
be in the g*dd*mn thing?
Then we have tennis.
Now, tennis,
very trendy, not a sport.
Tennis is a form of ping-pong.
In fact, tennis
is ping-pong played
while standing on the table,
you know?
Great idea,
but it's not a sport.
In fact, all racquet games
are nothing but derivatives
of ping-pong,
even volley ball
is racquetless, team ping-pong
played with an inflated ball
and a raised net
while standing on the table.
And then finally
we come to golf.
Do you ever watch golf on TV?
It's like watching flies f*ck.
I get more excited
picking out socks.
Golf could be fun
if you could play alone,
but it's these
genetic defectives
that you have
to hang around with
that makes it
such a boring pastime.
Think of the brains that it
takes to play golf;
hitting a ball
with a crooked stick
and then walking after it.
And then...
hitting it again.
I say pick it up assh*le,
you're lucky you found it.
Put it in your pocket
and go the f*ck home, will ya'?
Thank you, goodnight, everybody.
Thank you all very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much,
Have a good time.
Good night, thank you.
Thank you very much,
good night now.