Everybody's heard the old joke:
"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"
"Practice, man.
Practice."
Well, like most people I did
all my practising at home.
My own neighbourhood. I grew up on
the Upper West Side in New York City.
General Grant was one of
my Neighbours.
I had a lot of fun in my neighbourhood.
I did a lot of practising.
And sooner or later, I just wanted to
get downtown, to show what I could do.
And I had to find out
how to get there.
In New York City, if you don't know how to get
somewhere, all you gotta do is ask somebody:
They'll tell you.
Even if they don't know.
"Hey, tell me somethin' - Got a second?
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"
"I don't know, I really couldn't tell you.
I'm..."
- "Are you from 'round here?"
- "Oh, yeah. I live right there!"
"I don't even know where I am now! How am I
gonna tell you how to get to Carnegie Hall?"
- "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"
- "From here?"
- "No, from the moon".
"Take the bus upon the corner there,
Down to 57th street, get off there,
It's quite a walk."
- "Can I take the subway here?"
- "Got a ground permit?"
- "Take the plane".
- "Take the plane???"
"The 59th street plane?"
"Well, that depends on which
way you wanna go".
"Well, all I can say is you
can take a car down there."
"Take the bus. It'll leave you
right in front of there".
"I don't know the number,
but I'll get it to you".
"Jump on a cab, tell the man
to take you downtown".
"You got no bread,
just jump out".
"How you get to Carnegie Hall? Well, if you
don't have a car use the subway."
"And down there if you don't have money,
...the turnstyles
As you can see, not everybody agrees on
how to get there.
When I was a kid, if you wanted to get somewhere,
you had to take whatever ride was available.
I believe my ride has just arrived.
Thank you! How are you?
Thank you!
Thank you!
Good evening everybody!
Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening, all.
How do you do?
Thank you!
Thanks a lot.
Have you noticed that most women who
are against abortion...
...are women that you wouldn't wanna
f*ck in the first place?
Thank you very much, Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening. My name is George Carlin...
...and I am a professional comedian...
...as opposed to the kind you run into
at work all day long...
It's nice, being a comedian. There are
some advantages, actually...
...and a few disadvantages. There are some
drawbacks to being a comedian...
No one on death row has ever said:
"Before I die...
...I wanna talk to a comedian!"
Have you ever heard anyone at
the scene of an accident say:
"Quick, call a comedian!
For God's sake!"
It would be kind of fun at an accident
to push your way thru the crowd and say:
"May I be of help? I am a
professional comedian!"
Sooner or later, at least once in your life...
...when a policeman says to you...
"What are you, a comedian?"
You've got to look him
right in the eye...
...and say: "Actually, yes!"
Even the criminals have no respect
for comedians...
What do they say first thing they do when they
hold you up?: "Don't try anything funny!"
"First one makes a funny move, gets it!"
Whenever they're not looking, I go:
Well, that's my job!
Thinking of goofy shit!
Thinking of goofy shit, coming around every
now and then, letting you know what it is...
Or reminding you of things you already know...
...but forgot to laugh at
the first time they happened.
You all heard things like that! You hear them,
then you don't remember at all!
For instance, I've noticed they have
disposable douches...
...and I'm wondering: "Who would wanna
keep it in the first place?"
I had an interesting morning...
Got into an argument...
Got into an argument with
my Rice Krispies...
I distinctly heard: "Snap, crackle,
f*ck him!"
I don't know which one
of them said it...
I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and
was not looking directly into the bowl...
And I told them, I said: "Well, you can all just
sit right there in the milk!!!"
"As far as I'm concerned, you can
sit in the milk...!"
"...until I find out which one of you
said that!"
A little mass punishment
for my breakfast food...
The idea is to turn them against
one another...
"Just sit in the milk!"
"As far as I'm concerned...!"
Silly me! Big punishment!
That's what they'll do anyway!
Sit in the milk! That's their job!
That's Rice Krispies' job!
Sitting in the milk!
You've seen them, haven't you?
Floating along...
Little beige blisters of air...
Ridin' proudly in the milk!
You can't sink them!
They float for a long time!
Do you know why? They stay together!
They gather together in little groups!
Little groups of 8, 10, 12,
sometimes 14...
...but always an even number,
if you've noticed!
It's the polarity of the Krispies
that attracts them!
They form little colonies of Rice Krispies...!
You can't sink them!
You try to sink them with a spoon...!
...they come up over the sides!
You can't sink them!
That's what the fruit is for!
Sinking the Rice Krispies!
A good-sized peach will sink
If I'm really pissed, I'll drop
a watermelon on them!
But I say "interesting" about
my morning...
...cause it was - I don't have a nice
day anymore...
I don't bother much with that...
I think I'm beyond that now, I've
outgrown the nice day...
I think I've had my share...
Why should I be hogging all
the really nice ones?
Let somebody else have a few!
Of course, everybody still wants me
to have one...
Eveybody wants me to have a nice day!
"Have a nice day!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
"Wanna give me my f*cking
change, please?"
"I'm triple parked!"
Some of them are really insistent:
"I SAID HAVE A NICE DAY!"
"Alright, I'll get out there
and give it a shot!"
That's the trouble with "Have a nice day!"
It puts all the pressure on you!
Now you've gotta go out and somehow
manage to have a good time!
All because of some loose-let cashier!
"Have a nice day...!"
Maybe I don't feel like having
a nice day!
Maybe -just maybe- I've had 116
nice days in a row...!
And I'm ready - by God! -
for a crappy day!
I never hear that! Let them wish one of them!
"Hey, have a crappy day!"
"Thank you, and to your wonderful
family as well!"
A crappy day! Hey, that'll be easy!
It's no trouble at all! A crappy day...
...just get up!
There's no planning involved
for a crappy day!
I know what it is, that bothers me,
about the whole thing, it's the word "nice".
It's just a weak word! Doesn't have a lot of
character, you know? "Nice..."
"Isn't he nice...?"
"Oh, he's so nice...!"
"And she is nice, too!"
"Isn't that nice?"
"How nice they are!"
I never cared for that, you know?
It's like "fine"
There's another word! "How are you?" - "Fine!"
Bullshit!
Nobody's "fine"!
"Hair" is fine.
- "How's your hair?"
- "Fine!"
That makes a lot more sense to me!
Some guys are "Great!"
Ever meet those guys? "Great!"
"Isn't this great?"
"g*dd*mn, this is great!"
"Look, they're gonna k*ll that guy!"
"Ain't that great?"
"That's great!"
No, not me. I'm not "nice", I'm not "fine",
I'm not "great"...
People ask me how I am, I say
I'm "fairly decent".
I don't get too many superlatives, nothing to
gossip about: "Relatively OK!"
Sometimes I'll say: "I'm moderately netto!"
If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I'll say
"I'm not unwell, thank you!"
That pisses them off, 'cause they have to figure
that one out for themselves!
So...
Reminds me of something my first grade
teacher used to say to me...
A little lady. She used to say...
"You show me a tropical fruit, and
I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala!"
No, that was someone else...
Thas was someone else...
It was someone I met
in the army...
All is confusing, I don't know
who it was...
Have you ever been looking thru the refrigerator
and come across an empty plate?
Well, that starts me to wondering...!
"Did something eat something else?"
Maybe the olives ate the peas!
Maybe the chicken isn't really dead!
And he's grazing on my stuff!
Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves
and a parka on, you know?
"Just waiting for the lights to go out
to get back to work!"
I guess the worst thing that can happen
cleaning out or looking thru the refrigerator...
Is to come across something...
...that you cannot identify...
...at all!
You literally do not know what it is!
Could be meat...?
Could be cake...!
Usually, at a time like that,
I'll bluff:
"Honey???"
"Is this good?"
"Well, what is it?"
"I don't know!"·
"I've never seen anything like it!"
It looks like...
...meat-cake!
"Well, smell it!"
"Actually, it has no smell
whatsoever!"
"It's good!"
"Put it back!"
"Somebody is saving it!"
"It'll turn up in something!"
That what's frightens me!
I was what they call a "fussy eater".
"He is fussy" "He is a fussy eater".
"Fussy eater" is an euphemism for...
...Big pain in the ass!
I mean, if I didn't like something,
I told them!
I didn't play with my food...
Picked up my food and said:
"I don't like that!"
"Did you make this?"
"I don't like it!"
"Why?"
They wanted reasons!
Well, you don't always have a reason!
"I don't know!"
"I know I don't like it!"
"And I know that if I ate it,
I would like it even less!"
"You like it?"
"You eat it!"
Then they would try to corner
me with logic...
"How do you know you don't like it...?"
"...if you've never even tried?"
"It came to me in a dream!"
Big pain in the ass!
Some things I didn't like just
because the sound of the food!
And to this day, I can still not eat...
..."yoghurt!"
"Yog- Yoghurt!"
It sounds like it's coming out again!
I can't eat anything with a "Y"
and a "G" in it!
Something else that doesn't sound
so good: "Squash!"
"You want some squash?"
"Shit, no!"
"Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner!"
"Sackatash"
"You want some sackatash?"
"What did you call me? You f*ck! Look out! Heh!"
"Hey, f*cking cool out!"
"Hey, it's f*cking beans and corn!
Cool out! Cool out!"
"Wheat germ"
"No, get it off my plate!"
Even something like "eggplant"!
Well, which one is it, anyway?
Tell it to make up its mind and
then come on back!
Terrible sounding food!
"Head cheese".
I can't even look at the sign!
"I'll be down here with the bolony!
You look at it!"
Between head cheese and blood tongue
I may never eat again!
Certainly it won't be at the Deli!
Then there are some foods that
sound too humorous to eat...
Did you hear something too
funny to eat?
"Guacamole".
Sounds like something you wear
to a dance!
"May I borrow your green Guacamole?"
"Garbanzo"
"Hey, want some garbanzoes?"
That sounds like a circus act!
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Garbanzoes!"
And the funniest food of all time...
"Kumquats".
I don't bring them home anymore!
Just go to waste!
Some things don't look right!
"I don't like that, Ma!"
"Don't look right to me!"
"Did you make that?"
"Is there a picture of it
in the cookbook?"
"I bet it don't look like that!"
Let's face it! Be honest!
Some things don't look right!
Of course, some people
will eat anything!
I know that! Some guys eat anything!
I saw those guys in the army on the chow line!
"What's this? - Nevermind!
Gimme a whole lot of it!"
"That's rat's assh*le, Don!"
"Well, it certainly makes a hell
of a fondue!"
Now, look. I don't eat anything
I don't recognize immediately!
If I have to ask questions...
f*ck it! I pass! You know?
Tomatoes don't look right, either.
On the outside, they're fine...
Tomatoes look lovely on the outside! But you
look inside a tomato and something is wrong
Something is gone a-foul inside
of a tomato!
It doesn't look right, you know? It doesn't
look like it's finished yet, for one thing...
...It looks like it's in the larval
stage or something!
It's thousands of seeds and a whole bunch
of jelly-looking stuff!
"Get it off my plate!"
It's gushy! It's like the stuff
at the end of an egg...
...and I know it's not the end of an egg.
It's the beginning of a chicken!
It's hen cum!
Get it off my plate!
Something else that doesn't look
like food...
...lobsters and crabs!
I mean, anything coming at me...
...walking sideways...
...with big pinchers...
...somehow doesn't make me hungry!
In fact, my instinct is...
"Step on that f*ck!"
"Look at the big bug!
Step on the big bug...!"
"...before it gets to the children!"
"He looked like he meant business!"
Can't order frog legs
in a restaurant...
...I keep wondering what do they do
with the rest of the frog!
What do they do? They give them little dollies
and send them back out into the world to beg?
Try! Try to return them to a normal life
if you can!
Trouble is, the "dollies for froggies" program
has been cut in half.
You've probably seen the last "froggy-dolly"
for a long, long time...
I'd rather eat a box of cookies...
Doesn't that always come in handy?
Just eat a g*dd*mn box of cookies!
Do you ever do that?
A whole box of cookies, right in a row!
I don't mean "Take them out" I mean,
"Eat them in the kitchen!"...
Standing right in the kitchen,
eat a g*dd*mn box of cookies!
Just stare at the electric clock
while you're eating them!
Did you ever notice, right on the
cookies it says: "Open here"?
What the f*ck do they think you're gonna do?
Move to Hong-Kong to open up the cookies?
Of course you're going to open them here!
You're going to eat them here!
You almost have to open them here!
Thank God it doesn't say:
"Open somewhere else!"
Shit, I'd be up all night trying to
find a good location!
Let me try a little news for you!
Let's take a look at the news tonight,
see what's going on!
Ladies and gentlemen, here is
some of the news...
The US Army announced today that it was true
that during the first part of the 1960's...
...they had performed LSD test on human beings,
which destroyed their minds...
However, they've claimed that none
of the victims has been promoted beyond
the rank of lieutenant colonel!
A man who was attempting to walk
around the world...
...drowned today!
two funeral processions...
...crashed into one another.
Police say they casualty list does NOT
include the two men who were already dead.
Another first for County Hospital,
as a woman has checked in...
...to have her tits reversed!
When asked why she was having it done,
she said that her left tit was her favourite...
...and she wanted it on her right side, where her
left-handed husband can reach it easily!
The ASPCA announced today that they
have filed a criminal complaint...
...against a man who was keeping
tropical fish in a moving blender!
The man says it is true, but that he never
turns the blender above "mix"...
ASPCA claims he's had it up to
"whip" and "purée" several times!
A passenger shot six people
on the downtown bus today...
...then asked for a transfer and shot
six people on the crosstown bus!
In order to prevent this
happening in the future...
...authorities are discontinuing
the transfer system!
Here are the results of the
Blind Persons' Golf Tournament...
They've just come in... The winner was
Johnny Downing with 16,829 strokes...
...just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any
chance he may have had when he took a 312
on the final hole!
A 65-year-old woman, who was trotting
backwards from Winnipeg to Rio...
...was k*lled today when she was hit
by a truck head-on from the rear!
A small town in Tennessee just
downwind from a nuclear plant...
...believes it may have
received some radiation...
...Everyone is dead and the trees
are humming!
Although the Internal Revenue Service
has begun to crack down on businessmen
for the "Free Martini Lunch", they will not
bother the working men, and the two-joint
coffee break.
A man who was attempting to circle
the world in a hot-air balloon...
...died today when he stepped out of
the balloon to admire it from a distance!
A spokesman for the Reagan Administration has
said that many dead people are really only sick...
...and trying to collect illegal death benefits!
On the lighter side of the news,
a couple who was celebrating
their ninetieth wedding anniversary...
...died of shock today at the beginning
of a surprise party!
Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight,
there's so often so much death and tragedy...
...a man in Texas was arrested today for sh**ting
and k*lling his wife, son, two daughters...
...his mother and father, all four of his
grandparents, his dog, his mailman...
...three neighbours, and a woman who
works at the filling station!
He claims he was just cleaning his g*n
when it suddenly went off!
Have you noticed that you never
seem to get laid on Thanksgiving?
I think that's because
all the coats are on the bed!
Do you realise that the Mexican Hat Dance
was written by two individuals...?
A lot of folks don't know that!
The first guy wrote:
And the second guy wrote:
If it weren't for that second guy, the
Mexican Hat Dance would have gone:
They were so happy with what they had
discovered that they went out to celebrate...!
...and they met another guy, and he went:
Sometimes it takes three...
This is the musical portion of our show...!
You know what bothers me?
You know what - "Is that me?" - "Yes, it is"
You know what bothers me?
I can never find out the rest of the words
to "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!"
Everybody knows "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay...!"
I did find them out, someone
send them to me:
"Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay,
did you get yours today?
"I got mine yesterday,
that's why I walk this way!"
Now, how can you tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line!
Do you realise that somewhere
in the world...?
...is the worst doctor?
Has to be! Process of elimination, sooner
or later you're gonna find the worst doctor!
And the weird part is that someone has
an appointment to see him tomorrow!
I know you're just trying
to button me up, don't give me that!
Yes! And god-damn-did!
I love that dog! I've never seen him
nor nothing!
It's gonna be wonderful
when I meet that dog!
Hey, you want a dog?
You want a g*dd*mn dog?
Go ahead, you can have a dog!
I have three of them, man!
You want a f*cking dog?
Ya have it, man. It's yours!
Lots of people got
lots of g*dd*mn doggies!
You don't even have to have one to learn
about doggies, your friend may have a dog!
He could be your friend's dog! That
makes him your dog-friend!
You go to visit your friend! The dog is there!
You can pet him! "Hello, how are you, Sneezy?"
"It's wonderful! Hello! g*dd*mn!"
And for that moment he's your dog!
See? You can have someone else's
dog for a while! "Hi, Lassie!"
I think...Oh, my god, look at this
doggie here!
g*dd*mn doggies! Lots of things to know
about them, lots of things you learn!
You don't know where always, you can't remember!
For instance, can you remember the first time...
...you found out that by scratching a dog here,
you can make this leg go like that?
And that you can make it stop when you stop!
g*dd*mn!
I'm in complete control of this dog!
Or that you can make their heads tilt
from across the room...?
...just by making a funny noise?
You go:
And he goes:
"Oh, look at it! Isn't it cute?"
"Let's get his head fixed
so he stays like that!"
Oh, you can get their heads done!
It'll cost you a bundle!
And they don't like it!
Makes them move to the same side
all the time!
Cute little g*dd*mn doggie!
Do you ever eat candy
in front of your dog?
I don't mean the Milky Way, I mean
one-at-a-time candy, like M&M's...
And you watch where he's looking!
He's following your fingertips!
"Oh, boy!"
This assh*le drops one jujubee...
...I'm going for his femoral artery!
Little dogs are different! Little dogs will get
around and do fine, he'll jump...
How do they jump so high?
They've got little teeny legs like this...
If you feel a little dog's leg it
feels like a beef jerky in there!
They can jump up on the bed
all they want to...
"Holy God! Do that again!"
"Oh, man! One more time!
I make him keep doin' it until
he can't reach anymore!
Then, if I want him up there,
I'll put him up there!
And sooner or later, what's gonna
happen with the little dog?
Sooner or later, lying on the bed,
he's gonna create an incident...
He's gonna make one of you humans
turn to the other and say...
"Honey, did you fart?"
"Not me! I thought you farted!"
"Not me!"
"That's not even one of my farts!"
"I've got four farts, and
that's not one of mine!"
"I've got my Heineken's fart..."
"...I've got my broccoli fart..."
"...my rice-pudding fart..."
"...and my non-dairy cream-o fart!"
"That's not one of my farts!"
"I know...!"
"The dog farted!"
"Tippy, why did you fart?"
"Look at him! He knows he farted!"
"I've seen his assh*le open up!"
"I've seen it!"
"Well, I happened to be looking
at his assh*le by chance!"
"What kind of a question is that?"
"I thought he was doing them
deep-breathing exercises..."
Does your dog have nothing to do?
There's no job description for a dog!
They're forced to wait for something
to happen that they can get it on!
If you do something,
they'll be glad to join you!
They rarely initiate any activity
on their own!
They're just waiting, and waiting,
and waiting...
Waiting to come in, waiting to go out, waiting
to eat, waiting to crap, waiting to wake up...
...waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs,
waiting to go downstairs...
Sometimes they're just waiting
to wait!
Have you ever seen a dog just
standing there...?
He don't know what he's waiting for!
But if it happens, he'll be ready!
Just waiting and waiting...
...waiting for you to come home...
They don't understand time... Dog doesn't know
the difference between an hour and a half
or next week...
He thinks you're gonna be gone forever!
That's the only time period dogs
really understand: "Forever".
That's how long they think everything lasts!
That's how long they think everything takes!
Forever and ever!
Just scratch your dog behind the ears!
Oh, boy! They love that!
And he really loves it...
...and when you finally stop he looks at you
like you're a criminal!
He thought it was gonna go on and on and on...!
Same thing when you feed them! Soon as they get
finished, they say: "Where the f*ck's the food?"
They thought it was the loaves and the fishes!
They were gonna last forever and ever!
A dog don't know. They must think
we're gonna be out forever!
Otherwise, why do they act they way
they do when we finally get home?
"Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!"
"I thought you'd never come home!
I thought you'd never come home!"
"I didn't know what to do! You know what?
I don't know how to operate a can opener!"
"I didn't know what to do! Push it down?
I couldn't think! You know what I did?"
"I took a can of dog food and rolled it down
the hill, and hoped a truck ran it over!"
I mean...
They'll do that even if you
just forgot your hat!
You come back in eight seconds:
"Oh, boy! I thought you'd never come home!"
"I was gonna eat the bird!
I couldn't find the bird!"
"Will you stop? I was just here!"
God, they make you mad, sometimes!
Don't they? Do you ever get mad at your dog?
You feel really dumb when you get all the way
to work and you're still pissed with your pet!
"What's the matter, Dan?"
"Well, the dog... g*dd*mn it, nevermind!"
"It chewed the legs off everything!"
"OK, I'll see you at lunch!"
Dog don't care. He'll do whatever was next!
He don't know what's next, but
he'll do something!
Dogs do things in a row that don't
go together!
Have you ever seen a dog walking through
a room and suddenly he stops and chews
his back for 18 minutes?
And then when he's finished...
As if it was scheduled for right then...!
When he's finished, he doesn't even
know where he was gonna go!
"Where was I gonna go? Oh, shit!
I think I'll go over here!"
"Oh, this is nice over here.
I think I'll keep coming over here!"
He don't know. He don't care! Dog don't care!
Like I said, he'll do anything...
He might embarass you...
...he might do something inappropriate,
when you have company...
...you might have some folks in,
visiting you...
...some of them you don't know that well...
...trying to impress a couple of them...
Hey, you might be trying to borrow
money from one of these studs!
Dog's lying out there in the living room, you got
all these people sitting 'round, little chips,
little dip... Dog's in full viev of everyone!
...got carrot sticks, salty sticks, ladyfingers,
all the little things that you got...
Everybody is eating nicely...
And you look down and you realise
that the dog...
...is licking HIS BALLS!
Nobody says anything!
No one mentions it! Spectacular
thing going on!
OK, if I could reach, I'd never leave the house!
Are you kidding me?
Poor little guy! He didn't mean it!
He didn't mean it!
He'll come - He'll apologize to you!
He'll come around a few hours later
and apologize...
He'll give you that doggy-look!
Give you them eyes, you know,
they have such a...
...great expresion. Almost human!
Sometimes we say that! Isn't it?
"Look, he's almost human, Dan!"
They look like they know something
about your mother...!
Not willing to mention it right away!
He's looking at you like they got a
trick problem they can't quite solve...
...There's a sad look in their eyes.
All the sadness in the world...!
...is right in the eyes of the dog!
Do you ever do this?
Look right into your doggie's eyes,
and think of something really sad...
...and it will look like it's happening
to your dog!
The strangest thing!
He'll look at you like that:
You know why they have so successful a look?
'Cause they got eyebrows!
Dogs have eyebrows!
Or at least, little ridges that
pass for eyebrows...
They got little things...
...that they can manipulate.
Just like we do...
"Oh, please!"
"Please, daddy!"
"One more..."
"...treat!"
Cats can't look at you like that!
Cats look at you coldly...!
...as if they're testing new eyes!
The reason cats look different:
Cats don't have eyebrows!
Cats have a bunch of shit sticking
out of their heads!
They thought it was gonna be an eyebrow!
But it didn't work out!
Let's not tell them!
They think it's an eyebrow!
It's just a bunch of shit sticking
out of their heads!
Cats are all different!
They do everything different than a doggie!
Cats are cute!
Cats are g*dd*mn cute!
Aren't they cute? Look at them!
God, he's cute! He's a kitty-kat!
That's how cute they are!
They needed two names!
"Kitty" wasn't good enough.
"Kitty-kat!"
Aren't they cute! The kitty-kat!
Look at him! Ain't he cute?
Let's drown him!
Ain't he a little g*dd*mn kitty-kat? Eh? Look!
Stick him on the wall, see if he hangs up there!
Good g*dd*mn kitty.kat!
They're so g*dd*mn cute!
When they're teeny, I hope he stays that size
forever. He's darling!
Ain't they wonderful? Cute little g*dd*mn
kitty-kat! They can jump anyway they want!
When they're teeny, they can jump
straight up in the air!
Without a run! They just go:
They can even jump backwards
to the side!
How do they do that? Holy shit!
They can do anything!
Jump and be cute as can be! Cute g*dd*mn
kitty-kat! Isn't he cute?
God I love them, they're so cute!
They're even cute when they k*ll!
"Hey, look! He's playing with a mouse!"
Bullshit!
Mouse doesn't feel that way!
That cute? Oh, he's so precious
just tearing the throat out of that bird!
Cute as can be! They kills it!
They like to k*ll some!
That's what they want to do!
That's why they act so nice!
They wanna go:
Even when they're teeny!
When they're just born!
You take a baby-baby! That is, a human.
You take a baby dog, and a baby cat...
And you attack all three of them!
Which I try never to do
if I can help it...!
And you get three different results:
You attack a baby, he cries!
You attack a puppy, he cowers!
You attack a kitty-kat, he fights!
One day old!
They're looking fearsome, shit!
Hey! They haven't even their eyes opened!
They'll grab at anything!
Nasty little cute thing!
Cute little nasty guy!
Oh, they're wonderful! God, I love them!
They're so physical!
That's what's fun! They're so physical!
They love to rub on you!
If you've got a leg, and a cat,
you've got a party!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
I'll rub his leg, oh boy!
I'm rubbing on his leg, oh boy!
If you've got two legs, shit!
Jubilee celebration time!
Oh boy! Two legs! Hot shit! I can do the
figure eight! They love to do the figure eight!
Oh boy, oh boy! I love to rub on his leg!
They'll rub against your leg even if
you're not there yet!
You may still be 50 feet down the hall!
They see you coming:
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Soon I'll be rubbing on his leg!
They'll move on sideways
so they don't miss you!
Oh, boy! Oh boy!
They love it!
They're so physical!
You don't have to pet a cat!
You just put your hand over,
and he'll do all the work!
Have you ever petted a cat who's lying
absolutely flat?
Before you're halfway finished,
hiss ass is way up in the air!
Like you pressed the ass-button
or something!
Isn't he a cute little... Holy shit!
How did he do that?
Then they jump on your chest and put
their ass right in your face!
Here's my ass, dad!
Check this ass, huh?
And while they're showing you their ass,
they give you some of this stuff:
I say, "get him off of me!"
Jesus, I hate that! I don't even know
what it is and I don't like it!
Looks like they're into some bad drug!
There's one other quality cats have,
which I admire...
Cats don't accept blame!
They don't embarrass at all!
Cats do something dumb,
you never know by looking at them!
Dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it
just by looking at the dog!
Not the cat! Cat doesn't accept any blame!
Cat moves along to the next activity!
What's that? Not me!
f*ck that! I'm a cat!
Something break?
Ask the dog!
Cat doesn't get embarrased.
Ever seen a cat race across the carpet
and crash into the glass door?
I meant that, I meant that,
I meant that...!
That's exactly how I wanted
that to look!
f*cking me-ow!
f*cking me-ow!
f*cking me-ow!
That's what they say when they
get behind the couch!
A cat's too proud to let you
see him suffer!
If you look behind the couch, you'll find your cat
recuperating from a domestic accident!
They've got little slings and
walkers, you know?
Tried to make the window from the lamp!
Little kitty-kat! g*dd*mn kitty-kat!
Do you realise Hitler only had one ball?
What do you think about a man with one ball?
Do you think he has two strikes against him?
Maybe he's got one ball and two strikes!
Hitler only had one ball!
A lot of people don't know that!
They say: "Hitler, geeze! He had
a lot of balls!"
One!
Sometimes I was trying to get a list
of words together that would...
...fairly represent the dirty words! 'Cause
nobody gives you a list of dirty words!
Alright! Have you noticed that?
There's some words that are perfectly
clean but sound like they could be filthy
if you gave them just a little help!
A word like "pussyfoot"...
It's perfectly clean! But when you say
"Pussyfoot!" there's a little giggle!
'Cause people know that with a little
help this word could be filthy!
No matter what form of the verb you try.
It's clean, as a verb. But "pussyfoot"...
...could be a noun. Could be a noun!
"Pussyfoot".
A rare disorder!
Female birth defect!
"Hello, boys!"
"I have pussyfoots!"
"God, you sure do, lady!"
"And I love them open-toed
shoes you have on!"
Well, I'd rather have "pussyfoot" than
"woodpecker", I can say that!
...or "beer nuts".
God, that must be awful!
Beer nuts!
The official disease of Milwaukee!
I know whenever I see the little canister behind
the bar I drop in a couple of dollars...
...for beer nuts.
I think we need a lot more research
on beer nuts!
Or cottonballs!
...which is the dreaded final stage...
...of beer nuts!
"When my beer nuts turn to
cottonballs..."
"I'll be heading home to you!"
It's an old Southern hymn!
There are lots of little phrases like that in the
language which don't quite say what they mean...
"Take a shit" is another one!
Take a shit?
You don't take a shit!
You LEAVE a shit!
That's the whole idea!
To leave it!
- "I left a shit!"
- "Fine. Thank you, Jeff!"
- "Where did you leave it?"
- "In the icebox!"
- "I'm gonna take a shit!"
- "Don't take one of mine!"
"I only have two left and
the weekend is coming up!"
"Why don't you go home and take one
of your own shits?"
"Guy's always smooching off me!"
"He must think I'm made of shit or something!"
"Well, that shit don't grow in trees, you know!"
Well, enough of that shit!
Lot of little phrases like that! "Pick your nose"
or "blow your nose!"
"Blow your nose" is a phrase.
Imagine that!
Blowing your nose!
I don't believe they really
mean that, do you?
You can't blow your nose!
I believe it's physically impossible!
To blow your nose!
You might get somebody else
to blow your nose!
But it would have to be
a real good friend!
"Cocktails"...
Another clean word...
You can advertise and you can
put up signs all over town!
"Cocktails"! Long as you use both
halves of the word... Perfectly fine!
But you can't advertise either one of those
two items if your break those words in half...
They'll come and take your sign down!
"Cocktail"!
It's OK! It depends on how you say that kind
of word! "You ladies like some cocktails?"
"Hey lady! You want a cock-tail?"
"Cockpit" Men don't like to laugh about that!
"Cockpit" Get it? Oh, yeah...
"Bang-kok"
There's a lovely city!
How would you like to be a hooker
in Bangkok?
Would seem like a natural habitat!
"Peacock!" NBC is really proud
of their "peacock!"
Do you know what a female
peacok is?
A peacunt! You ever knew that?
I had to look it up!
So...
My list...
...I just was trying to isolate the words
that are always filthy, not the ones
that are sometimes dirty!
...And the original list was "shit, piss, f*ck,
c**t, cocksucker, m*therf*cker and tits".
This is all I could think of in one sitting!
One try! No, we had to add two. We had...
"Shit, piss, f*ck, c**t, cocksucker,
m*therf*cker, tits..."
...and then we added "fart, turd and twat".
Which also don't have other meanings, you know?
Twat's twat, and that's that!
But after a while, it didn't take long.
Well, it took quite a while,
but I finally discovered...
...that there were only two words on the list
that really had to deal with... two...
sort of to look at the double standard that
television uses as language is concerned.
The two words were "fart" and "f*ck".
Those are the only two. They seem similar, 'cause
you can't say either one of them. You can't say
"fart" and you can't say "f*ck".
No matter how cleverly you try
to work them in...
...no matter how clinical the conversation is...
"Fart" and "f*ck" will not show up on the final
take: You simply cannot say them.
But that's where the similarity ends, 'cause
at least for the word "f*ck", even though
you can't say the word "f*ck"...
...you can talk about f*cking, or
you can refer to f*cking...
There's lot of f*ck-talk going on on TV!
They just don't call it f*cking!
That's the secret! They don't use that word!
There's plenty of f*ck! Have you seen
people who wrote a book about f*cking?
You've seen a guy in a talk show
with a book about f*cking!
How to f*ck, who to f*ck, when to f*ck,
what to f*ck, and how to feel after you f*ck!
This man is a f*ck expert, and he
wrote a f*ck book and he's talking
to Merv Griffin about f*cking!
And he's getting away with it,
'cause he don't call it f*cking!
Same with the soap operas, everybody-
You take a look at the soap operas!
Everybody is f*cking somebody
in the soap operas!
If they're not f*cking somebody
they're trying to f*ck somebody!
Will he f*ck her? Did he f*ck her?
Has he f*cked her? Should he f*ck her?
Can he f*ck her some more?
Will they f*ck too much?
Will they get silly from f*cking?
Who's f*cking who? That's all you wanna know!
Is what the f*ck is going on on this program here!
You know that somebody
is getting f*cked!
And you think it's you!
So there's lot of f*ck-talk and there's plenty of
f*cking on TV, they just don't call it f*cking!
They call it everything else! Now,
on the other hand, farts...
Not only can you not mention
the word "fart"...
...but you can't refer to farts at all!
That's how bad farts are!
They're worse than f*cking!
You never hear anybody talking
about farts on TV!
Never seen a guy who wrote
a book on farts!
How to fart, who to fart,
and how to feel after you fart!
There's no fart experts on Merv Griffin show!
You don't see any farts or fart references!
It's a fart-free zone!
Wouldn't you think after 35 years
one guy by now would have gone:
Just once! Just once I'd like to see
someone on the Johnny Carson panel say:
"Hey, Ed! Move down, man!"
"That was a Clydesdale fart!"
I hope I'd live to see that!
Can I hope not, for Ed's sake!
Well, anyway.
After a while, I realised I was needlessly
restricting myself to seven words...
And only to the ones that weren't allowed on TV!
I mean, there were a lot more
to be looked at...
And television isn't the only place
that objects to your language sometimes...
Lots of situations where you're not
supposed to say that...
So I expanded the list by as many
as I could...
And I'd like to share some with you now.
The list is a little longer than it was before...
First we start with the ones we
already know: "Shit, piss, f*ck, c**t,
cocksucker, m*therf*cker, tits.."
"...fart, turd and twat..."
"Crap, balls, prick, assh*le, jack-off..."
"Jerk-off, scumbag, douche-bag
hard on..."
"Ride on, boner, stiff,
piss hard, blue balls...·
"Nookie, cooze, gash..."
"Slash, hole, slit, snatch, box,
beaver, p*ssy, bearded clam..."
"Jism, come, cream, juice, pecker,
pecker-head, pecker tracks..."
"d*ck, dork, dong, donicker, wang,
schlong, schvonz, pork..."
"Crabs, ass, butt, heinie, tuckers, bum, buns,
cheeks, screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump, bang..."
"...batter, wham, knock up, bugger, brown,
jugs, bazoons, knockers, knobs, lungs..."
"...balloons, dildo, joystick,
hair-pie, muff, cornhole..."
"...rim job, blow job, sugarbowl pie,
suck off, give head, sit on my face...."
"Butt-f*ck, finger-f*ck, clap, clip, sixty-nine..."
"...seventy-one, which is sixty-nine with two
fingers up your ass!"
"Daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser, wet dream,
cuntstruck, p*ssy-whipped..."
"Short arm, tuna taco,
group grope, milking the chicken..."
Bull dagger, g*ng bang, ball breaker, ball buster,
Merchant, bananas & cream, up the old dirt road...
Around the world, beat your meat,
whack off, flogging your dong...
"counting your pod,
beating the bishop..."
"poon-tang"
"Dingleberries, sit on it, fudge packer,
milking the lizard..."
"Fart-face, old fart, farting around,
fart-sniffer, rim, snake, raincoat,
quickie, q*eer, queen..."
"Putz, put out, push, beef injection,
dog style, hop your cookies,
bust your nuts, one-eyed monster...
"..Knob, pack-a-pull, tail, tiddle,
paddle the pickle, one-man band,
snapper, notch, rodge, shaft..."
"Stick, piece of ass, goddamnit, pimp,
poker, punk, f*gg*t, d*ke, lassie..."
"...box lunch, sea food, hand job,
hammer, hatch, head job, hot knots,
hum job, prong...
"...jelly roll, jerk the gherkin..."
"...lob, meat whistle, cheese, ----?, middle leg, w*nk*ng, booty, love muscle, snapping p*ssy..."
"...bitch, bastard, clamp, bite the brown,
going up mustard road, old man, bush, button,
c**t lapper, cherry, tool, dinges, whiff..."
"...cream, get off, join, piece, stamp,
root, crack, cooch, crud, eat me,
f*ck you, up your ass..."
"...get laid, f*ck off, piss off, piss on you,
stick it, stuff it, gramit, jam it, cram it, horny,
peter, the one-eyed wonder worm..."
"...piece of ass, little brown eyeball, golden
showers, poundcake, ---? , brown eyes, brown nose,
sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster-f*ck..."
"Ride of love, capping a field, capping a cherry,
capping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag,
riding the cotton pony..."
"..dipping your wick, going down on,
dry hump, fist f*ck, skin flute,
french job, fur-burger, nuts..."
"get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hunk,
ginch, gobble, dizzle---, rubber, sh**t..."
"dizzle-d*ke, that was - sift, wad, cocksman,
tit-f*ck, tongue, rough trick, weenie..."
"...and yodelling in the galley.
Thank you and see you next time!"
George Carlin: Carlin at Carnegie (1982)
Moderator: Maskath3