please welcome louis c.k.!
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you, thanks,
that's very nice.
hello, everybody.
how are ya?
woo!
good, thanks for-
thank you, oh, good.
thanks, thanks for coming,
thanks for being here.
thanks for not
dying before you got here.
which could've happened.
- thanks for getting
through the traffic.
i drove here,
and on the way here
i saw a bumper sticker
on a car, and it said,
uh, it said "tell your
girlfriend i said thanks."
isn't that a little personal
for a bumper sticker, really?
a bumper sticker
should be like,
"hey, i'm in
front of you, buh-baa,"
whatever, you know.
not, "hey, i f*cked
your girlfriend."
you really want that
on your car
all day for whoever's
behind you?
"tell your girlfriend
i said thanks,"
how does he know i'm not behind
him just getting mad,
and...
crazy, taking it personal,
"m*therf*cker... "
i follow him home, i get out of
my car in his driveway
with a pipe,
"what the f*ck does that mean?"
thank her for what, exactly?
- wait a minute,
you f*cked my girlfriend?
then you made that
bumper sticker
and found me in traffic
and got in front of me?
woo!
m*therf*cker.
and i just beat him
to death with a pipe
right there in
his driveway, mm, mm!
and jerk off on his corpse.
didn't need that part.
didn't need it.
the story was totay complete
without the jerking off
on the corpse.
it's too late.
- i was at a bar
the other night,
it doesn't matter where
because i'm lying.
but, um-
i was...
- i was at a bar,
and, uh, um,
i was waiting for the bathroom
for a really long time,
there was a guy in the bathroom
and i'm waiting for him.
and then after a while,
this guy that works there
walks by, he goes,
"are you still waiting?"
and i'm like, "yeah."
so he bangs on
the door and he goes,
"come, assh*le,
shit and get out!"
and then he walks away.
- i was in new york,
i went to a-uh,
i went to this polish meat
place in new york,
and i go to the guy
at the counter, i was like,
"hey, could i get a sandwich?"
and he's like, "yes!"
and he just made me a sandwich.
heh, heh, heh.
that was it, he didn't ask me
what kind or anything,
he just made it.
it had, like, raisins
and bones in it. what the f*ck?
- people from other countries
eat weird food, man.
i was in chinatown, and, uh,
you know one of the groceries-
i know that's not another
country, but, uh, you know-
ha ha ha-
- you-you know the grocery
stores in chinatown,
they're for the chinese people,
they eat their actual food,
and, uh, i was
in one of those, and they-
they had duck vaginas,
i swear to god.
a huge barrel of
f*ckin' duck vaginas...
with a scoop stuck in it.
yeah!
- and i'm standing there
just staring at this
f*cking huge...
and i'm thinking,
could we possibly dominate
a species more than that?
- than that-we're selling their
vaginas in a f*cking barrel.
- ducks are just
like, "dudes... jesus.
"you won the w*r,
take it easy,
you don't have to
sell our vaginas."
- i didn't get any,
because i don't want to know-
what if i love duck vaginas?
i don't want to find out.
- it's not like millions
of things taste like
a f*cking duck vag*na,
it would be very specific
to be addicted to that.
not for me.
- i have this friend,
he has a phone that can "im,"
he can instant message, and so
now i really want him to die,
because i'm sick of getting
these f*cking messages
from him on his phone.
"i'm in a show store."
that's the whole message!
we're not secret agents, i don't
need to know where you are.
so i get this
message from him,
he says, "i'm on an
airplane in seattle."
so i wrote back and i said,
"well, i hope
your plane crashes."
- and he gets pissed off
and he calls me,
"take it back, we're about
to take off."
i'm like, "f*ck you,
i hope it crashes.
i don't have to take it back."
hope it crashes twice.
hope it crashes
and kills half of you
and they go, "f*ck it,
let's y again,"
and they take off
and crash again.
i hope that happens.
sincerely i hope it.
- and he-he tries
to make it-he goes,
"well, how are you gonna
feel now if my plane crashes
after you went
and said that?"
i'm like, are you shittin' me?
that would be amazing!
to know that i can do that?
i'd happily trade your life for
knowledge of my powers.
he's one of those guys who just
makes you hate him,
because, uh, you know when
you have a friend that you hate?
you can't break up with
your friends, you know?
he always starts conversations
that i don't want to have.
you know, he's like,
"hey, what would you do if you
had a time machine?"
i'm like, f*ck you.
i don't-
you know what?
i wouldn't use it.
i'd just let it
sit in my house.
i'd put a drink on it,
you know, i got a time machine,
i never even went in it.
i don't know,
i'm not interested.
i'd use it
to go back 30 minutes ago
and punch you in the f*cking
face before you ask me that.
that's all.
one use.
so he goes, "well,
here's what i would do."
'cause of course that's
the whole f*cking point
of asking me, is to stare
at me while i say mine
and then say his.
so he said if
he had a time machine,
he would've
k*lled hitler, like,
he would go back
and k*ll hitler.
i love that he thinks
he could just k*ll hitler
just 'cause
he just goes back there
and walk up and k*ll the dude.
and i was thinking,
that's a noble purpose
for a time machine,
i would do that.
but i would've
gone back with him
but i wouldn't
have k*lled hitler.
i would've r*ped him.
that's what i thought.
because i think that
would've been enough,
i think that would've stopped
him from doing all that shit.
if he had been r*ped by me,
he never would've pulled
any of that stuff, man.
"should we invade poland?"
"no, i'll just take a shower,
i don't feel good."
- low self-esteem,
and, you know...
- i'm not condoning r*pe,
obviously,
you should never r*pe anyone.
um, unless you have a reason,
like you want to
f*ck somebody and
they won't let you,
in which case, uh...
- what other
option do you have?
how else are you
supposed to have an orgasm
in their body
if you don't r*pe them?
like, what the f*ck?
ha ha ha. ok.
that's f*cked up.
so, here's a weird thing
that happened to me.
i have this, uh,
i have this t-shirt,
and it says
"awesome possum" on it.
and it's got a picture
of a possum.
i know it's stupid, but a friend
of mine gave it to me-
f*ck you, i bought it.
i thought it was cool.
but, uh, i-
i'd never seen anybody
with that same shirt before,
with the awesome possum shirt,
and i was in this coffee place
in l.a., you know,
like a coffee-not like, uh,
like starbucks,
like an indie coffee place where
all the cool people go,
and they're like, ooh-
eh-heh-eh-heh...
- they got their, like,
snow hats in the f*cking summer
and all that shit, you know,
those cool people.
huh, uh, and their ipods.
and they say cool things like,
"yeah, me, too."
or whatever, you know.
- and i just stand in the
doorway and f*cking hate them.
i don't know why
i go to the place,
i think it's
'cause i hate them.
i just hate-
there's a certain part of
the culture i just hate.
'cause i grew up in boston,
and in boston,
people just beat
the shit out of each other.
for no reason.
they just beat the shit
out of each other.
but i kind of think
you need that,
you know, to keep
quality control.
'cause in places where
that doesn't happen,
people are justoo free,
and f*ckin'- they're
just a bummer, you know?
like i was once on venice beach
and i'm jogging,
and there's this guy
rollerblading towards me.
and he's-he's got
rollerblades on,
and just a thong,
just a f*cking thong,
that's just grabbing
this d*ck and balls
and just fighting with it,
going, "ah, stay in there!"
- and then he's just total
naked otherwise,
and he's got this
kenny "g" hair,
and he's just
rollerblading, like-
"i'm free!"
- and i actually
had to stop jogging,
'cause i needemy whole body
to f*cking hate this guy with.
i had to just...
- stand there going,
"oh, you m*therf*cker."
- now i have to know
you exist, you piece of shit.
f*cking go skate into an aids
tree, you m*therf*cker.
all right, now.
i don't know, i've started to
kind of hate people,
and it's not because
i have anything against them,
it's just i-i enjoy it,
it's just recreation.
like, you know
when you're at the bank
and you got nothing to do while
you're waiting in line,
so you just pick people
to hate while you're waiting?
you just look at someone
and form an opinion
with no information.
and it's never positive.
who f*cking wastes their time-
"i bet he's a hard worker."
who thinks about that shit?
- skip over those people.
then you find a guy-
"oh, look at his shoes,
what a f*cking assh*le.
oh, look at that
piece of shit,
hope he dies today.
oh, god, i hate him."
"i hate him!"
you watch all the shit-
"yeah, fill that out,
you f*ck face.
"fill it out. yeah,
you filled it out, i knew it.
you suck."
he's just standing there,
he has no idea you're just
boiling with hate,
you know?
- i feel people hating me
sometimes, you know,
like, uh, i was
at the post office,
and i'm at the line-you know,
it was one of those things
where there's a long line
and 1 window open.
so everyone is
just like, "aah!"
everyone's mad.
but when you're in the line,
you're in the hate group.
you get to be part of the group,
and you're all looking
at each other going,
"huh, huh... "
"hmm," like a silent movie
of impatient people, you know.
then there's always 1 person
who breaks the silence,
somebody who has an idea,
you know, like-
"they should open
another window."
- and everybody's like,
"yeah, i know,
"totally,
they don't even know.
they don't even know
how to do anything."
- then there's always
an old lady who has a story.
"i was here on wednesday... "
- "and there was
also a line like this."
holy shit, really?!
oh, my god,
you f*cking old lady,
that's amazing!
- well, anyway, then it's
your turn at the window, right?
and now everybody's
looking at you,
and you feel the scrutiny
of how quickly you're
mailing your shit,
you start realizing
how unimportant your package is,
and you feel like they can tell.
"f*ck, get out of there.
you don't need to mail
that right now."
and it's like...
- if you do 1 little
extra thing like,
"do you have those stamps
that have jackie robinson?"
behind your ear, like,
you hear, "pfff, jesus.
f*ck it, dude."
they put their shit down
heavily like, "f*ck!
"now this m*therf*cker's gonna
make me stand here
"while he buys f*cking stamps
at the post office?
"are you sh1tting me?
"let's shit in his
mouth right now, seriously.
"let's-you f*cking hold
him down, and i will shit
directly into his f*cking
time-wasting mouth."
- but anyway, yeah,
so i was in the coffee place,
uh, with the young people.
and they're-
"ooh, heh, heh, heh,"
and i'm standing in the doorway
just fantasizing about
walking around just hitting
their cups to the floor,
like this, you know.
bagel, and coffee...
and bagel...
ha ha ha.
and i see this guy,
he's like 20 years old,
and he has
the "awesome possum" shirt.
just like mine!
so, i went like this,
i went, like,
"hey, nice shirt."
and he went, "pfff."
and he walked away,
like i'm a piece of shit.
and i stood there,
and i was so mad,
i just thought,
"f*ck him, man.
we have the same shirt!"
it's an unusual shirt.
it's perfectly appropriate
to f*cking do this shit.
- why does he have to make me
feel like an old f*g
just 'cause i want
to make a connection
with another human being?
is his generation
just too cool and ironic,
"eh, ooh, that's lame.
the older guy wanted to-
ooh, heh, eh."
f*cking young c**t,
i hope he dies.
like, that's how-that's
how mad i was.
- and as i'm standing there,
like, in that anger,
i look down and i realize
i'm not wearing the shirt,
i don't have it-
ha ha ha ha.
i don't know why i thought
i did, i just-
i saw his, and-
"duh, me too, duh!
duh!"
hey, this is interesting.
the other day,
a guy told me
to suck a bag of dicks.
that was interesting.
i never heard that before.
total stranger told me
to suck a bag of dicks.
a whole bag of them!
he was angry,
he didn't just,
you know,
"suck a bag of dicks,"
like a greeting.
"oh, suck a bag of dicks
to you, too, sir,
thank you very much."
yes.
it's a lovely day for
sucking several bags of dicks.
ha ha.
no, what happened was,
i- i cut him off in traffic.
it was just one of
those things where it just-
i had to get in, and no one
was in my car to judge me,
and i just f*cking, you know,
i just decided-
he's not me, so i don't care
what happens to him,
and i just cut him off,
it was just
a shitty thing to do.
and it was bad,
'cause he was coming fast
'cause he didn't imagine
in a million years someone
could be that big of an assh*le.
and so when i did it,
he had to slam on his brakes,
and his dog went pff!
in the windshield,
it was really very bad.
- very bad.
and the worst part is,
when you cut people off,
they don't vanish,
they're behind you now, so...
- looking back and he's like,
"f*cking ass!"
and he's so mad!
and he keeps trying
to get next to me,
'cause he just wants to see
my f*cking face.
he's just dying,
he's like,
"i gotta see
this cocksucker, now.
i gotta see the f*cking face
of the piece of shit
that just did that to me."
and i keep cutting him off,
'cause i don't want him
to see i'm ashamed of
what i did.
no-nope you don't.
finally we get to a red light,
and i gotta face him,
only 'cause there's
a car in front of me,
otherwise i would've f*cking
blown right through there.
but there he is, just-
"rr-aah!" just furious.
and i'm going, like,
"yeah, i know, it was awful,
"i shouldn't have
done it.
i'm not mad, i was wrong,
why would i be mad?"
and he's like,
"well, f*ck you!"
then he starts going
like this,
'cause he wants me to roll
my window down.
like i'm supposed to take part
in my own abuse,
during this argument.
"oh, i'm sorry,
i don't want to miss this.
what do you have to say
about me, yes?"
- "how rude of me to shut out
your anger with my-"
so i did, i rolled it down,
i'm interested.
- and he goes, "hey, assh*le!"
i'm like, "yeah?"
he says,
"suck a bag of dicks!"
then he drove away.
and i was kind of sad that he
drove away, because
i had a lot of questions.
- that concept of sucking
a bag of dicks,
it's just weird.
like, first of all,
when you picture
a bag of dicks...
- what do you see when
you picture a bag of dicks?
is it like a plastic bag
and they're all mushing together
like chicken parts-
- with a date written on it
with sharpie,
keep it in the freezer.
or is it, like, a paper bag
and they're sticking out
like baguettes, kinda like?
you went shopping-
bringing home the bag of
dicks for the kids.
- here you go, susie,
take a blue one, you know?
ha ha ha, i don't know,
they were hanging
in a window somewhere,
"give me 2 of those."
and how do you
suck a bag of dicks?
what does he want
me to do?
does he want me to take
a bag of dicks
and suck it-like suck
the side of the bag?
or do-does he want
me to open the bag
and suck each d*ck individually?
- throw the used ones in a bowl
like edamame shells?
like that?
- do i have to make them all
come? you know, like how-
- i don't know, i never
even sucked 1 d*ck,
so it's not an area
that i understand.
i've never-i've never
sucked a d*ck.
isn't that weird?
i've never sucked a d*ck.
my whole life.
that's weird to me.
it is, it's weird.
because almost everybody
has sucked a d*ck.
when you think about it,
most people on earth
suck dicks.
it's true.
because 51% of
the population are women,
and they suck dicks,
then there's all the gay guys
that suck dicks,
then there's all
the straight guys who have been
forced to suck a d*ck
under various circumstances,
so, what,
there's only like
a thousand of us
out there who've-
never blew anyone.
just a bunch of selfish
assholes that are f*ckin'
gettin' blown and not
blowing back, you know?
it's like, that's what
people do,
we all f*ckin' suck dicks and
i haven't done it, and-
i don't have, like,
a big reason not to, either.
i don't have a policy
against sucking a d*ck,
it's not something
i'm against doing,
i just have never seen a d*ck
i wanted to suck.
that's really what it
comes down to.
i've never seen a penis
that inspired me to suck it.
every d*ck i've ever
seen has bummed me out,
i hate 'em, i-i hate them.
they ruin my day
when i see them,
but that's just so far.
- i mean, what the f*ck
do i know?
there might be the-this
guy right here might have
a beautiful d*ck,
this guy-
if i saw his d*ck...
- woo!
- i might go, "oh,
f*ck, that shit's going
in my mouth right now,"
and i'd just f*cking-
and i'd have to blow him.
- f*cking hold him
down and blow him.
that's the kinda-i would,
like, r*pe blow people,
that's what i would-like,
hold the guy down
and blow him to spite him.
that's the kind of shit
i would do.
just to, you know...
- i'm just saying
i'm not prejudiced.
i haven't seen that many,
there's billions-
literally, billions
of dicks in the world,
and i've seen,
like, 40 at the most,
so how the f*ck would i know?
what, is that too many?
- ha ha, yeah,
that's too many, right?
i'm only 39, that's a d*ck
a year plus another one.
why am i saying 40?
that's a lot.
that's like 2 bags
of dicks right there,
at least, 40 dicks?
all right.
- i ver understood
people, uh, uh-
judging people
for the way they have sex.
some people get angry at
h*m* just for being gay,
they get mad at them, urr!
i never really
understood that, you know?
because they're just
having sex with each other.
it's not-like i could
understand if gay people
were just running out
in the streets just
f*cking people in
the ass willy-nilly,
just like a pestilence.
like, without asking,
you know?
like you're at the atm,
"hey! what the f*ck?
"jesus, god damn it.
"some f*gg*t just
f*cked me right in the ass.
"seriously!
"f*cking right through my pants,
he f*cking ruined my new pants.
this is f*cking bullshit."
- "another one-
god damn it!
i gotta get the f*ck home.
this is ridiculous."
- but they generally
don't do that,
so i don't know what
the f*cking problem is.
people get mad.
they don't want them to get-
"don't get married."
well, you don't have to
go to the wedding.
what the f*ck? you don't have
to buy them anything.
it doesn't matter.
some people go, like,
"well, then a guy will
marry his dog."
good, f*cking-i hope
he blows his dog-
who gives a shit?
it doesn't matter.
it doesn't have any effect
on your life.
what the f*ck do you care?
or people that try
to think-talk like
it's a social issue.
like when you see someone
stand up in a talk show
and say, "how am i supposed to
explain to my child...
that 2 men are
getting married?"
i don't know, it's your shitty
kid, you f*cking tell them.
why is that-
yone else's problem?
but they can't get married
'cause you don't want to talk
to your ugly child
for f*cking 5 minutes?
- who f*cking cares about
your shitty kid?
he's probably
a f*gg*t anyway.
- how stupid is that?
all right.
stupid.
i don't know.
the only, um, thing that
bums me out, though,
is that you're not supposed
to laugh at gay people
when they're funny.
'cause sometimes they just are.
they're funny, like,
i lived in new york
for a lot of my life,
and in my neighborhood,
everybody was gay,
and-and, you know, some guys
are just a guy
walking down the street,
but some gay guys are a guy
in little shorts
and a half shirt,
and, you know,
combat boots
spray-painted green,
and a whistle, and he's
standing on the corner going,
"hello!
it's f*cking hot outside."
that's not a stereotype.
those guys f*cking exist
by the thousands.
and when i see them
i laugh really loud,
i just do.
and people are like,
"don't laugh at him
'cause he's gay."
no, i'm not, i'm laughing
'cause he's f*cking
weird and silly!
he's hilarious.
- how am i
supposed to react?
hello!
oh, hello, hello, yes?
seriousness is-yes.
it's stupid.
the only-actually, the one guy
i would blow, uh-
based on-
based on who he is,
is ewan mcgregor. there is this
one guy out there,
i gotta say, that i have
no gay inclinations
except for i met this
f*cking dude in person,
i was working
on some awards show,
and there he's
standing, right there,
and i was like, f*ck! like,
i was just blown away.
like, jesus christ,
he's f*cking beautiful!
- and he looked at me,
and heas like, "hello."
and i was like-
i f*cking shivered,
like, i started shivering,
like, f*ck!
he's f*ckin' gorgeous.
- and like a week later,
i was just-i was, like,
staring off into space
somewhere, and i realized-
f*ck! i was just daydreaming
about ewan mcgregor!
- like, seriously, i'm not gay
in any other way
except for i want touck
that guy right in the face,
i totally want
to f*ck his face.
i want to f*ck the shit
out of his face.
i want him to fucke.
i do, i want him to f*ck me.
oh.
i don't really have a shot
with him, i think,
because-
ha ha ha ha!
i just don't r*pe
movie stars, i'm not really-
i'm f*cking fat.
it's ridic-like,
i even wear-
like, i have this
problem now, my pants keep-
like, i can't keep them-
they won't stay up,
because-here's what happens.
ok, you get fat, and some of
you skinny people-
won't-i don't
give a shit about you,
won't get this.
i hate skinny people because
they don't empathize with
fat guy problems.
they just don't-like, you ever
have a skinny friend,
your trying to tell them, like,
i just-i just wish
i could have 1 donut
and f*cking walk away,
i wish i could do that,
i wish i had the power
to eat a donut, and...
and your
skinny friend's like-
well, just eat the donut,
then, what's the big deal?
you should totally...
- just have a donut if
you want one,
you should totally
go ahead and have one.
just enjoy yourself,
have a donut if you like them.
f*ck you, you don't get it.
it's a whole-
spiral that begins
with the donut,
later i'm k*lling hookers,
i don't even remember
what happened.
- but, so,
here's what happens.
you get fat, and your pants
start to get tight.
right? and then
you get fatter,
'cause it's not like,
"oh, i'll stop eating now,"
you know?
- and then suddenly,
all your pants f*cking hurt.
like, every
pair of pants hurts.
and then you eat even more,
'cause it's like,
"f*ck it now, man,
who even cares?"
- fat shit.
f*cking obsessed with food.
i went to this f*cking,
uh, uh, thing with
my wife and kids
where it was like
the kids and their kid friends
and it's just a house
full of assholes, you know,
that have kids.
and i'm just standing there,
"f*ck it, i just want
to k*ll myself."
i just want a b*mb to drop
on the whole house
and take us all out.
and i get in there, but then
there's a plate of cookies.
and, like, as soon as i'm like,
that's what i'm doing,
i'm eating every f*cking
cookie on that plate.
that's what i'm here-that's
what this all is,
is f*cking that.
so-and you have to have
a strategy, you know.
you can't just f*cking, uh,
you can't just
f*cking stand there
and just f*cking-
- you have to, like, sort of
keep rediscovering
the cookies, you know?
you have to walk over,
go like, "oh, hey... "
- so, who brought those?
that's cool...
you do this,
this means, like,
i totally could not eat it,
but f*ck it, i'll just-
don't want to hurt
the people's feelings
who brought the cookies.
mm, that's interesting,
i could take it or leave it.
totally f*cking radar
back there.
ok, new people around the dish,
do it again-"hey... "
- if people start noticing,
you have to say something like,
"these are crazy, like,
i'm addic-
i don't know
what it is about them."
yeah, it's the f*cking
cookies,
it's not
"you're a piece of shit
that can't stop
eating anything."
but, um...
so here's
what happens, though,
you get fat enough, though,
what happens is
your belly starts
to push out like this,
and then it pushes
your pants down
to your pelvis,
'cause they won't hang
in the normal place
anymore.
and then down there,
they feel loose,
and you start going,
"hey! losing weight, eh?
i'm coming down!"
- "my pants are getting loose,
i am getting thinner.
i ate my way through to
the other side, i did!"
- f*ck it, i don't give a shit,
i'm fat. look at this shit.
i don't f*cking care.
look at that.
- woo!
- i don't care.
it's just a sweaty ball
of f*cking flesh.
i don't care.
look how f*cked up this is, too,
it goes right in.
like, it goes at a right angle
and hits my pelvis.
it doesn't, like,
slope back down.
it f*cking goes in,
and then back up.
it's f*cked up.
- like, when i'm in the shower
and i'm scrubbing like this,
when i get down there,
i gotta turn in like this,
i gotta actually
make a turn.
i gotta f*ckin' cut in...
where the crevice gets
f*cking filthy.
it's ridiculous.
- it is, it's like
a theater seat.
there's like f*cking-
receipts and shit,
and popcorn, and-
- f*cking kids toys,
and, oh, f*ck, what the hell?
my body's just falling apart,
man, i got tits now, too.
i just got tits.
- and that is a f*cked up day
in a man's life...
when you look in the mirror
and you realize-f*ck, i got-
'cause you don't see
them coming!
they're sort of pouting out,
little by little,
and then one day, they just
f*cking fall a little,
and that's it,
you have tits.
and they're there
for good,
they're not gonna, like,
go back, it's f*cking over.
that's the thing is that i'm 39,
i'm not gonna get better.
i'm not going to be
all ripped when i'm 48.
it's f*cking over.
it's this or a lot worse
for the rest of my life.
but the tits were the worst,
'cause i used to laugh
at guys with tits, that shit
ain't funny to me anymore.
- 'cause that was
an awful moment,
i'm just standing there looking,
and-got all these feelings.
they must be the same
feelings that a teenage girl has
when she gets her tits!
it must be the same...
it's the only thing that
a 12-year-old girl
and a 40-year-old man
have in common is that moment.
nothing!
have to carry my books
like this now.
- i don't know.
you know what the thing is?
i don't give a shit.
i don't care about how i look.
i'm bald, i'm fat,
i don't give a f*ck.
i'm married, i got 2 kids,
and my wife hates me,
what, am i gonna get laid
if i lose a few pounds?
who f*ckin' cares?
like i'm gonna get mad p*ssy
if i suddenly look better?
no. that shit is over
for me forever.
and i'm glad, i really am.
i'm relieved.
now when i see a beautiful girl
walking down the street,
i'm like, "hey, f*ck you,
i don't give a shit."
- ew. go f*ck somebody else,
i'll jerk off to you later,
probably have a better time.
- not like she would've f*cked
the shit out of me anyway,
you know, like she would've
given me her best.
i never really got the best
out of a beautiful woman.
i had sex with
a few beautiful women,
and they didn't really rock out
on my d*ck so much.
it was more like, kind of like,
"all right, why not,
give it a-he's kind of funny,"
you know, just sort of a-
begrudging f*ck
in a weird situation with a lot
of regret afterwards.
i've been there, like-i was
in oklahoma city,
and i slept with this
beautiful-beautiful woman,
she was so hot,
and she got really drunk
and she f*cked me,
and the next morning,
i wake up and she's looking
at me, she's like,
"oh, god.
oh, jesus christ.
oh, my, i can't believe
ya'll got to f*ck me.
i can't believe-"
she was bummed ou
i feel like-i think she felt
like she had r*ped herself
with my d*ck, that's actually,
like, how she felt.
- that's so weird to realize
that you were somebody's bottom,
like, you are somebody's
place that they got to.
that they sayou in their bed
and went, "oh, f*ck.
"ok, all right.
"i gotta totally stop
all this shit now.
"f*ck...
"f-i gotta-oh, i gotta
go back to school,
"i gotta f*ckin'-
- concile with my dad,
i- oh, f*ckin' shit."
i never had a period in
my life where i was, like,
really going hog-wild
with the babes.
i had a-it was late for me
when i started having sex,
i was 18 before
anything happened to me,
uh, my girlfriend
gave me a hand job.
first thing that happened
to me sexually ever,
and i mean, itas awesome,
it was great.
because, uh, nobody had
ever touched my d*ck,
nobody in the world
had touched my d*ck.
my d*ck had touched
a lot of things-
because-
that's what you do when
you're a young boy,
you touch your d*ck to many
surfaces around the world,
just f*cking looking for
anything that feels
good enough-that, uh, you don't
have to talk to a girl.
that's the whole...
but finally i got this
girlfriend,
and we're making out,
and she reached down,
and she put her hand
around my d*ck,
and i f*ckin' lost-first of
all, i came immediately,
and also i started
farting as i came.
and-
- ha ha ha ha,
no-i started farting,
it wasn't just-ph, ph, ph!
it was throughout,
and she's laughing.
phh, phh-"ha ha ha ha!"
that's how
my sex life started, ok?
that's how it started.
f*cking shame and depression.
- before that, i was, uh,
it was just me
masturbating copiously,
happily, i loved it.
when i discovered masturbation,
i was so happy.
i loved it,
everybody loves it,
nobody's-"uh,
this f*cking sucks,"
it's pretty
universally liked.
but, uh-
i, um,-
i remember when
i first started,
and i thought i was
the only one doing it.
and then i told
my friend jeff,
and, uh, he was doing it, too.
so we start-that's
his real name, too,
it's kind of f*cked up
that i'm saying his name,
but anyway, we were-
- we were comparing notes
about how we masturbated.
and i did it, you know,
well, i was 11,
so i was going
like this, which-
i actually did it like this
for a long time,
'cause nobody teaches you
how to jerk off.
so, like, even once my d*ck
grew, i kept doing it like this.
and then i saw a movie
where somebody went like that,
and i was like, "oh, f*ck,
the whole hand!
that is genius!"
awesome!
- easily one of the best f*cking
things i ever discovered.
i still sometimes-this
is, ah, so smart.
so smart to use
the whole hand, awesome!
to this day,
and i'm like, f*cking, uh,
whoever-f*cking,
yeah, awesome.
- but anyway, jeff did it
totally differently.
jeff didn't, uh,
he-would lie on his stomach.
he would lay on his stomach
and press his d*ck
into his palm
really hard,
and he enjoyed the pressure.
and, uh, some kids
do it like that,
i looked it up-by the way,
it fucks your d*ck up
so don't do it,
don't do it, it's-
it does f*ck your d*ck up,
but he didn't know
so he was pushing
his d*ck into his palm,
and i think sometimes
he would put a book
on the other-behind
his hand, like,
he just liked the pressure.
and he couldn't get
enough pressure,
so he said to me,
maybe if i sat on his ass
while he did this-
it would be better.
so i did, i sat on his ass-
- and i remember that moment,
i'm sittin' on jeff's ass...
- while he jerked
himself off,
and i remember thinking
to myself,
isn't this gay
that i'm doing this?
- or am i just
a really good friend?
maybe i'just
a good friend.
- it's weird to think now
that i f*cking sat on
an 11-year-old boy's ass
while he masturbated.
i mean, i was 11,
so it was cool.
now i'd get f*cking
crucified for that shit.
ha ha ha!
i didn't know
what i had, boy.
eh, let her go.
all right, easy... wheezy.
hah, anyway...
so now i'm married,
and, uh,
the sex is very different
when you're married
'cause it doesn't,
uh, exist, actually.
- i was talking to a friend
of mine about how my wife
and i don't really
f*ck anymore, and he said,
"well, does she
blow you at least?"
what are you, f*cking high?
you think she's blowing me?
who wants to blow
their husband?
who the f*ck would want to-
what a bummer to blow
your husband.
you don't want
to blow your husband,
you want to blow your date,
that's who you want to blow.
you want to blow
a guy you've been dating,
and you don't
quite know him yet.
he comes over and picks
you up, "ooh!
"that's a new shirt,
i never saw that shirt on him.
it's very handsome."
you go to dinner,
he's like,
"here, try this."
"oh, new things,
i like new things."
tells you something funny,
makes you laugh, "ooh!
he shouldn't say that,
oh, he shouldn't, oh."
tells you a sad story,
"oh-oh, my god... "
- you go back to his place,
you suck his cock,
and you go home,
that's the proper context
for a blowjob.
- nobody wants to
blow a guy and then
go to ikea with him
all day, that's not fun.
- do his shitty laundry,
and then he comes out,
"hey, suck my d*ck, ok?
will you suck
my d*ck right now?"
"yes, i'm f*cking dying to suck
your smelly old f*cking
"disgusting d*ck for
the thousandth time.
i can't f*ckin' wait."
- my, um, my wife
gave me a hand job,
uh, the other day,
and, uh,
i gotta tell you that i think
that that hand job
was probably the saddest thing
that ever happened
in america, it really was-
the saddest f*cking thing.
that hand job
was so tragic,
there should be, like,
a monument to that hand job...
with a reflecting pool
where you just sit and think,
oh, that was f*cking sad.
- little thing where you
put rocks on it
and think about it,
and, you know...
ha ha ha.
here's what happened.
i'm gonna tell you about
this hand job.
um...
- my wife and i were home
in the middle of the day,
uh, the baby was asleep
on our bed,
the 4-year-old is wherever
the f*ck she goes all day-
and, um...
- my wife and i are
sitting on the couch,
just sitting there, just f*cking
married on the couch, you know?
just-and my wife looked
at me, and i don't know
where she got this sort of
sense that i was-
she said something like,
"hey, we have to go to that
thing for the-"
and i was like, "oh,
who gives a shit?"
like, i don't know what it was
that tipped her off
that i was starting
to feel real bad-
here's the thing-
is that as far as sex,
for guys it's just not comp-
we just need to release,
that's all it is,
we just-we just need it.
women, it's like a f*cking
emotional thing,
where they need-we need to come
just 'cause we need to,
women, it's like
they get into it.
they shiver and then
they lie on their side and cry
after and all that
kind of it.
but-but for guys
it's just something that
we need to do so that
we won't m*rder people,
that's all it is, really.
- just maintenance,
open the f*cking valve
once in a while, please.
the city should put a red tag
on the d*ck that
has a psi level that's
unacceptable.
- and my wife always
waits till it's f*cking
way-like,
till it's critical.
she lets it go so long,
until finally
we're sitting on the couch
and she looks at me-
"ok, we're gonna all be
in the paper tomorrow
if i don't f*cking do
something."
so...
she doesn't want to f*ck me,
she doesn't want to blow me,
so she looks at me
and she goes-
"well... would you like
a hand job?"
- i'm like, "uh, yeah,
that sounds awesome."
- so we go upstairs to my
daughter's room,
'cause it's the only
empty room in the house-
- ohh!
- hey, you know what?
f*ck you, i pay the rent,
i'll shit on her bed if
i want to. seriously.
let me have a f*cking
hand job in my house.
it's all i get.
it's not me, she won't
jerk me off
in the living room 'cause
there's too much nice shit
i'm not allowed to come on.
that's the whole thing.
i don't even get to enjoy
my orgasm,
'cause the second i'm coming
she's pointing my d*ck
away from stuff, "ew,
oh, careful!"
- she points it into
my bellybutton, like,
"make it go back in there,
can it go back in?"
- all right, so i'm lying on
the floor in my daughter's room,
looking up at the mobile
of f*cking ducks
in airplanes...
- what does a f*cking duck
need with an airplane?
- what does a baby
give a shit?
so i'm laying there on
the floor, and my wife is just
sitting next to me,
just-in her bathrobe,
just-
- and weirdly, i'm not
getting off on this.
the f*cking woman
grimacing and tugging
on my penis dryly
while basically reading
"people" magazine
at the same time-
- it's not that-i'm not getting
off on it for some-
it's taking me a while
to come, and she starts
getting impatient,
she's like, "come on!
come on!"
like yelling "come on" into
my d*ck, seriously.
- at one point,
i wanted her to lick her palm.
i got this idea,
maybe if she licks her palm,
there will be some semblance of
something going on.
and so i had to-you gotta
approach asking for those things
carefully, you can't just go,
"hey, lick your palm!"
like that, 'cause that'll
ruin whatever mood
there already isn't.
so, i go, like, "ehh.
"could you... maybe
lick your palm?
lick your palm?
lick your palm?"
she's like, "what?"
"lick your palm... lick-"
"lick... your palm... "
she goes, "what the f*ck
are you saying to me?"
you know what she
thought i said?
she thought i said,
"you look like your mom."
- so now i gotta get
that out of my head.
i'm trying to f*cking,
like, close my eyes,
and fantasize that
she gives a shit,
nothing's working.
and finally she goes, "hey,
i'm getting really tired."
so you know what i did?
i finally just took
her hand in my hand,
and i just jerked myself off.
with her hand!
she's like, "oh, thank you,
that's much easier that way."
that has to be
the lowest form of sex
that's even f*cking possible!
to just be jerking myself off
with my tired wife's hand.
- she might as well be dead at
that point, seriously,
she might as well be
a f*cking corpse.
i came home and found
her dead and-"f*ck it,
i'm getting one more before
i call the police."
just one more,
who is it hurting?
i'm not hurtin' nobody.
i'll call 9-1-1.
she's not getting
any better.
cops find dna on her wrist.
"hmm...
"she gave him a hand job
and then died of shame, i think.
i don't know
what happened."
i don't know.
it's really the kids
that do you in.
we have 2 kids, that's f*cking
stupid, don't do that,
because you just-it
also-it-mainly what it does
to a marriage, it just
changes the way that you think
about your spouse,
'cause when you're married,
when you first get married,
you have a relationship
that's so important to you,
and you're working on it
together, but then
you have a kid,
and you look at your kid
and you go, "holy shit,
"this is my child,
she has my dna,
she has my name.
i would die for her."
and you look at
your spouse and go,
"who the f*ck are you?
you're a stranger.
why do i take shit
from you?"
- but it's really-it's the kids
that make it very hard.
we have 2-we have,
uh, a baby,
and i don't really know
the baby, to tell you the truth,
because she hasn't
said anything,
so i don't really
know her.
uh...
- i like her, she's fine,
but i don't know her.
how do i know
what she's really like?
maybe she f*ckin' hates jews,
i don't know,
i don't know nothing
about her.
- people ask about her
all the time, they're like,
"hey, what's your baby like?"
she's a f*cking baby,
what do you want-
you ever seen a baby?
that's exactly what
my baby's like.
"but what's going on
with your baby?"
- jesus. she got fired
from target,
and, uh...
- she's getting an abortion.
it's been a tough year,
but otherwise, you know...
- it's not a very complicated
relationship with a baby.
you-it's just somebody
i have to make not die,
that's really what
the whole thing is.
and, there-i'm better at it
sometimes than others.
um, one time i took my daughter
to the grocery store,
and i had to put her in
the stroller.
she won't go on
the f*cking cart.
she's the only baby
in the world
that won't go in the shopping
cart and sit there.
you try to put her there
and her legs curl up,
and she goes, "waah!"
f*cking psycho,
so i gotta put her in
a stroller,
and i got a cart,
and i'm pushing them both
through the f*cking
supermarket.
and then i-ok,
so i'm done shopping,
and then i go out
to the parking lot.
and i open the car-first
i start the car
before i put them in there,
'cause i want it to get
nice and cool
'cause i love her,
so i have to make it nice
and comfortable.
look, i do, i love
my children, i love my wife,
i wish i didn't.
how awesome would that be
to wake up one morning,
"f*ck it, i don't feel nothing
for these assholes,"
and just walk out the door.
- but so far,
no such luck.
so, i start the a.c.,
then i put the groceries in,
then i go to get my daughter
out of the stroller,
i got down there, and i realize
that the exhaust pipe
is right in her
f*cking face,
it's just
f*cking-brrr!
i'm like, "f*ck!"
- i almost k*lled my kid
in the dumbest
f*cking way ever!
- if she died like that,
i couldn't tell her mom.
i couldn't f*cking go home
with that story.
"i put her and i f*cking,
i don't know, i-
"didn't realize-
f*ck you.
i just-i don't know."
i'd have to throw her
into traffic, elp!"
you know, that would
be better-
to actually tell her that
i threw her into traffic.
the other kid we have is, uh,
she's a girl and she's 4,
and she's also
a f*cking assh*le.
um...
- it's true, man.
i'm serious.
i say that with no remorse.
f*cking assh*le.
she's a deutschebag.
she is!
f*cking jerk.
the other day, i'm like,
"put your shoes on,
we're trying to leave.
"put your shoes on, please.
put your shoes on.
put your shoes on."
how many times can you
say that to somebody before
you just want to kick them
right in the f*cking face?
seriously, if you're
with a group of people
that are trying
to go somewhere,
and you can't go-you can't go,
because a member
of your party just
refuses to put their shoes on,
that person is
a f*cking assh*le. ok?
- you don't do that to people,
imagine being with a group-
"hey, we can't go."
"why?"
"'cause f*cking bill won't
put his shoes on,
he just won't
put them on."
"f*ck, bill,
what's your problem?"
"i don't want to put them on."
f*ck you!
- f*cking kid sucks, seriously,
the other day i'm-
i walk in the kitchen,
she's talking to my wife.
she says, uh, "mama,
i saw a doggy today."
and i was like, "really?
where did you see a doggy?"
and she's like,
"i'm telling mama, not you."
i'm like,
hey, f*ck you.
i'm just asking to be
nice anyway.
what, you think i actually
give a shit
about the dog you saw?
like that was gonna be
an awesome story
that you saw a f*cking dog.
who gives a shit?
i got better stories than you,
i have an interesting life.
i'm on f*cking television
and i won an emmy,
you don't ask what f*ckin'
happened to me today,
you little bitch.
no, ha ha ha ha.
i didn't say that
to her, obviously.
but that's the thing,
nobody ever calls her
on her bullshit.
- that's how she got to be
an assh*le in the first place.
nobody just goes,
"ah, f*ck you. you don't know."
- i'd love to for 1 day,
just f*cking-
be totally honest-"oh,
you drew a dog?
"let me see that.
that's not how it looks.
"are you shittin' me?
that's a scribble.
"that's nothing, that's not
even a anything.
"show me a dog that looks like
that, i'll give you $1,000.
seriously."
- ah, f*cking, uh,
the other day i was just, like
just dreaming about just
f*cking kicking her.
like, kicking her
out a window, you know,
just f*cking-pff!
- i would never
f*cking hurt her,
but i want to-i do,
you know?
one time my daughter
had a black eye
because, uh, she walked into
a door 'cause she's stupid.
and, um...
she had a little black eye,
and i took her to ice cream-
we went to an
ice cream place,
and everybody in
the ice cream place is like,
giving me a dirty look.
and i realize,
they think i hit her!
and she has
a black eye now,
that's why i'm taking her
to ice cream.
that's what they think.
and i was so insulted,
i wanted to say,
hey, f*ck all of you, ok?
she's this big.
you ink if i hit her
she'd have a black eye?
she'd be f*cking decimated!
there'd be nothing there.
look at this shit.
i would ruin her head
with one punch-easily.
she has no defensive skills.
she f*cking sucks.
she'd be like, just smiling
at me and-pff!
there'd be just f*cking-
- just a dent there
like a f*cking b*mb went off.
- i don't know,
i love my daughter,
but people really
don't get what it's like
with a kid full-time,
you know-
we-we parents make you
love our kids
'cause we dress them up
and take them out.
look at her-and everybody
goes, "ohh... nice."
but you don't know
what she's like
when she comes home,
the dress comes off,
she f*cking rubs
her ass in mud,
she's f*cking gross.
- she won't f*cking
take a bath, like, you can-
once you have a baby,
you can't force-
f*ck her, let her sleep
in her clothes,
i'm not dealing
with it tonight.
her hair gets clumpy,
she stinks.
sometimes it's like,
f*cking, ugh!
just f*cking rancid,
stinky f*cking kid.
she f*ckin'-
in front of people-
she like scratches her assh*le
in front of people, like,
f*cking deep assh*le
scratching-
in the f*cking panties.
and then she smells
her finger.
that's the kind of
person i'm talking about.
she's disgusting!
- the other day, i come home,
and she's just laying
on the carpet with
just-spread eagle naked,
and she's just stretching
her vag*na open,
going, "aah!"
just f*cking-
- f*cking holding it open.
i'm like, f*ck!
shit, ok.
wow.
that's... wow.
- don't react.
i can't-i can't go,
aah! i can't do that,
that'll f*ck her up.
just go, hello,
hi, how are you?
hi, how's school? ok.
"aah!"
- i don't know what the f*ck
to do about it, either.
'cause she does it
all the time, and i can't-
i don't want to stop her!
'cause you know what?
she's happy.
that's the happiest
i've ever seen any person
in my entire life.
that's a f*cking human being
at their happiest,
just, "aah!"
that's what we all wish
we could do!
we should all
be doing that, but-
- we gotta f*cking
stop it, though,
'cause she'll be
f*cking homeless
if she doesn't cut
this shit.
- so, yeah,
it's f*ckin'...
my wife, um,
took the kids out
the other day when she-
she just-the most
amazing thing is when-
when you get to be
alone in your house.
as a dad, you never get to be
alone. or as a m.
but when the other parent
takes the kids out,
and you're alone,
that's f*cking awesome.
and i think
i'm getting older,
'cause the way i use that time
has totally changed.
i used to have, you know,
jerk fest 2006,
are you shittin' me?
jerking off
in my own house...
alone, in my own bed...
taking my time,
go through my wife's shit
for pictures of her friends
i want to f*ck,
everything was awesome!
- but i'm older now,
so i don't do that.
i don't care about that.
now when everybody leaves,
you know what i do?
i just shit for hours.
i take a big, long-
beautifully private shit,
with nobody f*cking with me.
that's my dream-
in life-
is to take a shit
without people
f*cking with me.
'cause when you have kids,
first of all,
the other parent starts
banging away on the door,
"get out of there!
help me!"
- or my 4-year-old walks in
while i'm sh1tting.
she just f*cking
walks in the room
and does a little dance.
- i'm like,
get out of here!
my assh*le is this big, i'm
pushing a shit out right now,
i don't want to see
a cute face at this moment.
that's traumatizing.
- and i-and so when they leave,
even if i don't have to,
i just shit for a f*cking hour,
my ass dries out,
i don't care. i stay there
'cause i love sh1tting.
that's how old i am,
i love to shit.
it's my favorite thing.
i don't know why they
call it number 2,
i think it's easily
the best one.
in my book, it's number 1.
ha ha.
but, uh, no, it's-
it's hard, having kids
and being married,
it's difficult, and,
you know, whatever, but-
one thing that's
made me-it's impossible
for me to have any sympathy
for single people.
i just don't give a shit
about single people.
i don't dislike single people,
but i don't get-
whenever single people
complain about anything,
i really want them to just
shut the f*ck up.
because first of all,
if you're single,
you life has no consequence
on the earth.
even if you're helping
people aggressively,
which you're
f*cking not,
nobody gives a shit
what happens to you.
you can die, and it
actually doesn't matter.
it doesn't. your mother
will cry, whatever.
but otherwise, nobody
gives a shit.
i can't die,
i got 2 kids
and my wife doesn't
f*cking work.
so i don't get to die.
i can't die.
i love her, but she's
a painter, great.
paint a dollar and take
some pressure off, please.
but so-
- but single people,
when you-when you-
they complain,
like, we don't complain.
when you ask a parent,
"hey, how's the family?"
we go, "great."
that's all we ever say.
it's never f*ckin' great,
but we say great,
'cause we're not
gonna tell you,
"well, my wife assassinated
my sexual identity,"
and, "uh, my children
are eating my dreams."
we don't f*cking
bother you with that.
we just say, "great."
but if you ask a single
person, "how's it goin'?"
they're like,
"well, my apartment doesn't
"get enough southern light,
and the carpeting
is getting
a little moldy... "
you know what you should do?
burn it down and k*ll yourself,
'cause nobody
f*cking cares.
"my girlfriend doesn't
like the same music as me,
and she acts
bored at parties... "
f*cking call her
and say, "f*ck you,"
and hang up
and leave her!
you can end that shit
with a phone call.
i need a f*cking g*n
and a plane ticket
and bleach and shit,
i need a whole bunch of-
- thank you guys very much,
you've been really great.
good night. thank you.
Louis C.K.: Shameless (2007)
Moderator: Maskath3