[sounds of city traffic]
[rumble of car engine]
-[tire squeal]
-[engine stops running]
[indistinct background chatter]
[audience cheering,
whistling in the distance]
[indistinct conversation]
[crowd cheering,
whistling, applauding]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you! Hey!
Thank you! Thank you much!
Good evenin'!
Wait for the people
to get from the bathroom.
[audience laughing]
People in there pissin' and,
"Wait! This shit done started!
Damn!"
What's happenin', blood?
Right on.
Jesus Christ, look at this.
White people rushin' back.
White people don't care, Jack.
Just come out anyways.
Say, "f*ck it. We're going.
I don't give a shit."
Right?
You n*gg*s takin' a chance
bein' in Long Beach, though, Jack.
I saw the police had some brother
jacked up when we was comin' in here.
n*gga's hands way up here.
Talkin' 'bout, "Huh? What?"
They're searchin' and shit.
Bet they take him away to jail.
Goin' to jail in Long Beach
is a m*therf*cker, boy, isn't it?
"Where you at?"
"I'm in Long Beach."
"Well, shit, we ain't comin'
down there to get your ass out."
[applause, cheering, whistling]
White people, this is the fun part for me,
when the white people
come back after intermission
and find out
n*gg*s done stole their seats.
Right? They say, "Uh--Uh,
weren't we sitting here, dear?
Weren't we, uh... I believe...
we, uh, we were
sitting here, uh, weren't we?"
[in feminine, nasal voice]
"Yes, we were sitting right there."
[as African-American man] "Well, you ain't
sittin' here now, m*therf*cker.
Yeah."
[snickering]
You ever notice how nice
white people get
when there's a bunch
of n*gg*s around? [scoffs]
Right? They get outside,
they just talk to everybody, right?
They say, "Hi! How ya doin'?
I don't know you, but here's
my wife! Hello!" [chuckles]
What you takin' my picture for? [chuckles]
Who you gon' show it to? [laughs]
He say, "I got a picture
of Richard Pryor!"
[mimicking country accent]
"Who gives a f*ck?" [chuckles]
[laughing]
Sit your ass down.
[crowd laughs hysterically]
m*therf*cker, sit down! [chuckles]
You know you ain't got
no film in the camera!
You're just bullshittin'.
Just flashin'. Ain't nothin' flashin'.
Sit your ugly ass down.
[laughs]
-[man] Thank you.
-[Pryor] Thank you.
And then, right to your seat. Exit.
[chuckles]
No, it's funny, though, man.
White people be funny.
And you ever noticed, like, you be
the only n*gga someplace,
and you go where white people,
they be funky, right?
They be... they be like,
"You wanna move out of the way, fella?
Excuse me. Thank you very much.
Takin' up all the f*ckin' area.
Jesus Christ!"
[chuckles]
And n*gg*s guerrilla their way
in the place, man.
We saw about eight dead white people
when we was comin' in.
Still had tickets in their hands.
n*gg*s just run over 'em gettin' in here.
"Move out the way, m*therf*ckers. Yeah.
We ain't seen the n*gga in three years.
What the f*ck you talkin' about?"
Whitey's just, "Sure. Go ahead.
Sure. Cut in. Sure. It's OK.
Well, what do you want? Trouble?
There's a whole bunch of 'em!
They could be cousins or anything."
Some white dudes you cut in front of
don't play that shit though, right?
You cut in front of them...
"All right. Cut the shit.
Just cut the f*ckin' crapola."
I love when white dudes get mad
and cuss, right? [chuckles]
'Cause you all's some
funny m*therf*ckers when you cuss.
They be sayin' shit like,
"Yeah, come on, pecker-head!
Come on, ya f*ckin' 'joik-off!' Come on!
Son of a bitch! Come on!
[chuckles]
Yeah, you're fuckin-A right, buddy!"
n*gg*s be talkin' 'bout, "Buddy this.
"Yeah.
You want to 'buddy' somethin',
buddy up on this here."
Black man will grab
them dicks, Jack. [chuckles]
"I don't care." n*gg*s be walkin' down
the street, they gon' hold their d*ck.
"What's happenin', bro?
Ain't nothin' to it. Shit.
You know how it is.
I'm just hangin' on."
[laughing]
Right? Even Andrew Young,
he grab his d*ck! [chuckles]
Right? He be talkin' to the President
of the United States, right?
Andrew Young be,
"Uh, Mr. President?
No, we got to talk
some serious shit. No, really.
Excuse me, Mrs. Carter." [chuckles]
[in exaggerated falsetto]
"Oh, that's all right. [chuckles]
Bigger than a peanut!"
Patti and I wanna say we're really happy
that you come out to see us tonight.
We mean that
from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you.
[cheering, whistling]
Patti be singin'
her ass off too, don't she?
I mean, Patti gets some shit down
in there, be, [exaggerated wailing]
Shit go all through me, man.
"Let me sing it
to you m*therf*ckers! Yeah!"
And that band's a bitch too, man.
That band's a m*therf*cker
she got. Really.
That white boy on the horn
be playin' his ass off, right?
He don't even bend.
m*therf*cker...
No, most people who play the horn,
they got to bend or somethin'
to get that shit outta there, right?
This cat be, "Nothing wrong."
And don't miss shit, right? [chuckles]
"Don't worry, n*gg*s.
I'm with you. Go ahead."
And I am really personally happy to see
anybody come out and see me, right?
Especially much as I done
f*cked up this year.
I don't wanna never see
no more police in my life...
at my house,
takin' my ass to jail...
for killin' my car.
And it seemed fair
to k*ll my car to me, right?
'Cause my wife
was gonna leave my ass.
You know, I say,
"Not in this m*therf*cker, you ain't.
Mm-mmm. No, Lord. No. Mm-mmm.
If you leave, you'll be drivin'
them Hush Puppies you got on.
'Cause I'm gon' k*ll
this m*therf*cker here."
And I had one of them
big ol' Magnums.
You know that noise they make
when you sh**t somethin'?
I shot the car, it say, "Boom!"
Tires say, [high-pitched squealing]
[chuckles] It got good
to me. I shot another one.
"Boom!"
[high-pitched squealing]
And that vodka I was drinkin' say,
"G-go ahead. sh**t somethin' else."
I shot the motor.
The motor fell out
the m*therf*cker, right?
Motor say, "f*ck it!"
Then the police came. [chuckles]
I went in the house.
'Cause they got Magnums too.
And they don't k*ll cars.
They k*ll "nig-gars."
Police got a choke hold
they use out here though, man.
They choke n*gg*s to death.
That mean you be dead
when they through, right?
-Y-- Did you know that?
-[crowd] Yeah--
Wait. n*gg*s goin', "Yeah, we knew."
White folks, "No! I had no idea!"
Yeah, two grab your legs,
one grab your head, and snap,
"Oh, shit. He broke.
Can you break a n*gg*r? Is it OK?
Let's check the manual.
Yep. Page 8. 'You can break
a n*gg*r. 'Right there, see?
Let's drag him downtown. OK."
Then they got them dogs
they sic on your ass, right?
Them German shepherds and shit.
Nasty m*therf*ckers, right?
Some places they got
them Dobermans. Doberman Pinschers?
-Them's some bad m*therf*ckers, y'all.
-[man in crowd] Yeah!
-They fast too.
-[man in crowd] Yeah!
They catch the average white boy.
[chuckles] They do!
By the time they catch a n*gga,
though, they too tired...
to do anything. [chuckles] Right?
Maybe get petted
or some shit like that.
"You tired of runnin', boy?"
[imitates dog panting]
Sit your ass right there now.
I'm gon' get on. All right." [chuckles]
I saw 'em lettin' one loose
on a young brother, about 16, in an alley.
The police jumped out the car
and sicced the Doberman loose on him.
And the brother was low-runnin'.
I mean, he was down in here.
And the dog was on his ass.
[imitating dog snarling]
And it must've got good
to the brother,
'cause he shifted
into overdrive on the dog.
Yeah! The brother
had a cap on. It just went...
And it looked like, to me,
like the dog said, "Shit!
Mother f*ck that n*gga, man.
Shit. Ain't gon' k*ll me
out here. Sheesh.
Get me a biscuit. Yeah."
[man shouts indistinctly]
Them dogs is somethin' else, man.
I got two dog... I got two malamutes that
I trained to fight the police dogs.
I did. I said, "If you see any dog
jump on me, y'all better do somethin'.
'Cause if you don't... You know
what happened to that car on New Year?"
"We got ya, Rich. We got ya.
We got ya. We got ya. Don't worry."
And they won't bite shit, right?
I mean, they very intelligent dogs
though, right?
I mean, they be readin'
dog food cans and shit.
They do! "Alpo. No meat
by-products, no soybean...
Yeah, Rich, this'll be good.
Fix that up for us, please.
Could we have a little wine
with that, perhaps?"
And a burglar come in the house, they go,
"Don't f*ck with the dinner plate.
You can have all this shit up here."
So I got a- a Doberman, right?
One of them bad m*therf*ckers, right?
Somebody stole him.
That's how bad he was. [chuckles]
And I got him from a dog home.
You know, you can get dogs from
the dog home, save 'em from killin' 'em.
I got him from the dog home,
and somebody had abused him real bad.
'Cause every time
I'd call him, he'd freak out.
I say, "Hey, Champ."
"What? Shit! Jesus Christ!
[whimpering] What're you doing, man?
Don't do that shit.
I'm tellin' ya.
You're f*ckin' with my head.
It's a real bummer, Rich.
Just... God, please."
They're like that.
Dobermans are like that.
When they're puppies,
they're real scared, man.
You look at 'em and shit, they...
[mimics dog whimpering]
But when they get older, they don't even
like for you to stare at 'em, right?
Most dogs you can stare down.
You look at a dog too long,
they go... [whimpering]
You stare at a Doberman,
Doberman be talkin' 'bout... [growling]
"I don't play that shit."
And then they show you their teeth, right?
[growling]
"This look like I'm smilin', m*therf*cker?
I'm 'bout to get in yo' ass!"
And they make real good
watchdogs, right?
But the only problem is,
they let burglars come in your house.
They do! "Burglar, yeah!
Come on in! Come on! Yeah!
Come on in the bedroom! Let me show you
where the money is! Yeah, come on in!
Get all that! Come on in the kitchen, get
the silverware! Hurry up! Come on! Yay!"
And they wait for the burglar
to hit the door.
That's when they turn into
The Exorcist. Right?
When the burglar go, they go...
[guttural voice] "You can't leave!
I want to play."
And that's how you find the burglar
when you get home, right?
He be talkin' 'bout...
[high-pitched voice] "Help me.
Please help me."
m*therf*cker sound
like The Fly... "Help me!
The dog is going to bite
my assh*le out. Help me."
Them pets is somethin' else, man.
I got pets. I love my little pets.
I got monkeys and shit.
-My monkeys died though.
-[crowd] Aww...
Yeah. I had two squirrel monkeys.
You ever seen them squirrel monkeys?
They got them hands.
They freak a dog out.
They do. They get on a dog,
and them fingers touch a dog,
dog go... [barking]
I had, uh, one named Friend.
I named him Friend 'cause
the first time I opened the cage,
he ran up my arm and stuck
his d*ck right in my ear.
He did. [mimicking monkey chatter]
Hey, it felt like
a wet Q-tip, right? [chuckles]
[imitates monkey chittering]
He pissed all on my cheek. Ugh.
I had to throw him
up in the ceiling. [chittering]
He'd do that to anyone.
I'd invite over people. You know,
just to f*ck with 'em, you know,
I say, "Go on, open
the cage up," you know. [chuckles]
Up their arm... [chittering]
I remember one time, this guy
from Warner Brothers was comin' over.
He was gonna do a film with me.
And he came over and opened the cage,
and I said, "Don't open the cage!"
It went... [chittering]
"Well, you won't be doing any films
at Warner Brothers,
that's for g*dd*mn sure!
Wanna get this monkey's d*ck
out of my ear, Rich?
Jesus Christ.
Come on, dear. We'll put
something over my head there, and...
we'll just say it's a hump. Let's go."
So, I got him a woman, you know?
'Cause he was f*cked up.
I got him a woman.
Called her Sister, right?
He did the same to her.
Run right in the cage... [chittering]
She say, "Freeze.
First thing, I gotta show you
where the p*ssy is."
[chuckles]
And he got him some
monkey p*ssy and freaked.
He just went out of his mind, man.
At night he'd be up there
unlockin' the cage and shit.
And then they'd run away
and stay two and three days, right?
And you could hear him
in the trees... [chittering]
Sometimes far away...
[chittering softly]
Sometimes up front...
[chittering loudly]
Finally, about the third day
he came in, he was f*cked up, right?
[chittering weakly]
And I left him with some friends.
I had to go out of town.
I left him with some friends to watch him.
And, he had, like, a little gas heater
on the floor, and they turned it on,
and they didn't have no matches.
And they died.
k*lled 'em. I was hurt too, man.
I was, 'cause I came home,
found my monkeys was dead.
Said, "Shit."
[imitating sobbing] 'Cause I loved
my monkeys so much.
I was in the backyard. I was cryin'.
And there was a dog used to live next door
to us. A German shepherd, right?
Big, ugly, mean German shepherd.
He would bite anything.
He jumped the fence
and came over there.
I felt somethin' movin' my hand like that.
It was him.
I started pettin' him.
He looked at me and said,
"What's the matter, Rich?"
[imitating sobbing]
I said, "My monkeys died."
"Say what?
Your monkeys died?
Ain't that a bitch.
You mean, the two monkeys
used to be in the trees? They died?"
I say, "Yeah, they died."
Said, "Shit.
I was gon' eat them too."
He said, "Don't linger on that shit
too long. You know, it f*ck with you.
I said, "I'll try."
[imitating the dog] "Yeah, you take care."
And he went back
and jumped over the fence.
Just before he jumped,
he looked back at me and said,
"Now, you know I'm gon' be
chasin' you again tomorrow."
[chuckles] Yeah!
See, I love pets. I do.
I got, like, a miniature horse.
You ever seen a miniature horse?
About this big? Full-grown.
That's as big as they're ever
gonna get. Yes, ma'am, I'm not lyin'.
It's named Ginger.
A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman,
gave me this horse.
He helped me produce
my TV shows.
He gave me this horse
instead of money.
And the horse is nice,
but it don't do nothin'.
Horses don't do nothin' when they're
that little, but eat and shit.
And horses shit while they walk. They do.
They be walkin', talkin' 'bout--
[imitates dung dropping]
And steam be comin'
off of horse shit, Jack.
Horses got some terrible...
Flies don't even f*ck with horse shit.
Fly be talkin' 'bout... [buzzing]
And the first time
that my dogs saw the horse,
they thought it was another dog, right?
'Cause animals don't have no racism.
They thought it was another dog.
Say, "Look, there's another dog
with a long tail! Let's go say hello!"
And my cousin, Denise,
she had a Great Dane stayin' with us.
It say, "Yeah, come on!
Let's go over! Yea!"
They ran over, and that horse smell
hit their ass, right? [chuckles]
They said, "Hey!
This ain't no g*dd*mn dog."
And the Great Dane say, "I don't know
what it is, but I'm gon' f*ck it."
He come back and say, "Well,
you can't f*ck it." [chuckles]
My two malamutes say, "Well, let's eat
the bitch! Let's eat the bitch!"
I had to beat 'em off
with a cue stick.
I said, "Get the f*ck off
the [indistinct], Goddammit.
Leave the horse alone!
Move, mother... Get back."
They got even with me too,
the dogs did. [chuckles]
'Cause, one time I was walkin'
with 'em in the front yard,
and I heard one say
to the other one, "Let's f*ck him."
You know, and you know how
you be playin' with your dogs,
sayin', "Hey, uh-uh, get down--
"Say! What the f*ck is you doin'?
Get off! Get your...
Hey, man, what... Help!"
[chuckles]
And dogs, when you make dogs stop f*ckin',
they go f*ck air, anything, right?
You say, "Get down,
g*dd*mn it." They just...
Do you remember when the animals
used to get hooked up when you was little?
That was some funny shit to me, Jack.
'Cause they'd be
in the middle of the street,
didn't know which way
to go, right? [chuckles]
"Well, make up your mind!
Shit! There's a car comin'!" [chuckles]
I always thought women should have
that kind of p*ssy for rapists.
You know, the kind that just lock up?
Right? 'Cause that's some vile shit,
to take somebody's humanity
like that anyway, right?
At least, y'all's p*ssy
oughta be able to lock up, right?
[vocalizes sphincter closing]
"OK, let's go. Come on.
Don't make a move or I'll tighten up.
Just keep going. Come on."
[chuckles] Oh, shit.
Whew. Had a little pain
in my heart there.
I thought I was havin' another
heart attack. I said, "What?"
You get scared after you have
a heart attack, all the time.
Anytime you feel
a little pain, you go, "Huh?"
-Anyone here ever had a heart attack?
-[woman] Yes!
Them m*therf*ckers hurt.
I'm not bullshittin', man.
I was walkin' in the front yard.
I was just walking along,
and somethin' said, "Don't breathe!"
I said, "Huh?"
It said, "You heard me, m*therf*cker.
I said, don't breathe!"
[whimpering] "OK, I won't breathe.
I won't breathe. I won't breathe."
"Then, shut the f*ck up then!"
[whimpering] "OK.
I'll shut up. I'll shut up.
Don't k*ll me. Don't k*ll me.
Don't k*ll me."
"Get on one knee and prove it."
[whimpering] "I'm on one knee.
I'm on one knee. Don't k*ll me."
"Thinkin' about dyin' now, ain't you?"
[whimpering] "Yeah, I'm thinkin'
about dyin'. I'm thinkin' about dyin'."
"You didn't think about it
when you was eatin' all that pork!"
[imitating choking]
[groaning]
It said, "You know black people
got high blood pressure, don't ya?"
[whimpering] "Yeah, I know! I know that!"
"Then, watch your diet!"
[whimpering] "I will! I will!
[softly] Don't k*ll me. Don't k*ll me.
Don't k*ll me. Don't k*ll me."
You be thinkin' about shit like that
when you think you gonna die. [laughs]
[softly] "Don't k*ll me. Don't k*ll me.
Don't k*ll me. Don't k*ll me."
You put an emergency call
in to God too, right?
[hoarsely] "Can I speak
to God right away, please?"
Right? Always some angel talkin' 'bout,
[nasal] "I'll have to put you on hold."
And then, your heart get mad
if it find out you was goin'
behind its back to talk to God.
Your heart say, "Was you tryin'
to talk to God behind my back?"
"No, I wasn't."
"You's a lyin' m*therf*cker! You are!"
[groaning]
[gasps]
I woke up in an ambulance, right?
And it was nothin' but white people
starin' at me. [chuckles]
I said, "Ain't this a bitch?
I went and died and wound up
in the wrong motherfuckin' heaven.
Now I gotta listen to Lawrence Welk
the rest of my days."
But them paramedics
can save your ass, you know.
They really are somethin', man. They...
They are, man. You have to give them
a lot of credit. They're good.
They say civilian people...
We can save people, you know.
Give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
I don't know. You know what I mean?
'Cause if I'm walkin' down the street
and I see some m*therf*cker laid all out,
and slobber and shit
hangin' out his mouth, [coughs]
he ain't gon' make it.
Know what I mean?
I'm gon' say, "Say, bro,
I don't think you gon' make it.
Unless you can get somebody
to wipe that shit off your mouth."
Right? 'Cause you could be givin' somebody
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,
and they die, and Death
ease down your lungs.
Death don't give a f*ck where it go.
And it get two-for-one.
That's a good day for Death.
And if you ever have to go
to the hospital,
which I hope you never do,
carry your own piss with you.
'Cause that's what they want.
Soon as you get in the hospital,
they want some blood and some piss.
You always have the blood,
but you never have the piss.
And they get mad at you. "You're not gonna
leave here till you piss in that bottle."
And you never can piss.
You ever tried to? [grunts]
I say, [high pitched voice]
"Can you turn on some water, please?"
And if you do start, you need
eight or nine bottles, right?
"Nurse!
Hurry up! I'm not gonna make it!"
And they be so nonchalant
with your piss, right?
They be talkin' 'bout,
"This your piss? Thank you."
I could never grab
nobody's piss like that, Jack.
I'd have to have some prongs
and shit before I grab some piss.
I'd be goin', "All right.
I'm going in to get the piss now."
"All right. I have the piss.
Clear the hallway. I'm coming through.
Everybody, back off, please." [muttering]
Then, they hook your ass up
to that machine...
you know, where you
look like Frankenstein.
You get to watch
your life beep away.
Right? It be...
[imitating heart monitor beeping]
You be watchin' too, Jack,
'cause if you see... [imitates long beep]
that's yo' ass.
Right? I woke up one mornin', I saw...
[imitates long beep] I said, "Aah!"
[imitates monitor beeping]
'Cause the hospital ain't no place
to get well. That's the truth.
That ain't no joke. You can die in there,
and nobody give a f*ck.
Unless you John Wayne or somebody.
See, John Wayne can kick Death's ass.
Didn't he? I mean, the dude, he had cancer
one time. Kicked Death's ass.
Open-heart surgery.
John Wayne kicked Death's ass.
John Wayne just say,
"Get the f*ck outta here, Death."
[Pryor mutters]
See, they filmin' some shit.
I wanted to tell y'all. I mean,
it's not like you didn't know.
Y'all ain't gonna get paid shit either.
So, don't be askin' me
for a motherfuckin' thing
when the show's over.
Don't be, "Say, n*gga,
where's my money for the movie?"
No, I guess it's gon' be in the theater
or somethin'. I don't know.
[woman shouting]
But that's what they got
all this shit... What, baby?
-[multiple audience members shouting]
-What?
I can't hear you. Can you all
get a spokesman? Wait a minute.
What'd you say?
I couldn't hear you, baby.
-[woman shouting]
-[man shouting]
Wait, m*therf*cker.
I was talkin' to her.
What?
[woman] Preach, n*gga, preach!
Oh, thank you, dear. Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
That's black stuff.
'Cause the white people were looking
confused. "W-what does that mean, Marge?
'Preach, n*gga, preach.'
What is that, actually?"
Thinkin' about death, though,
I'd like to die like my father died.
Right? My father died f*ckin'.
He did. My father was 57
when he died, right?
And the woman was 18.
My father came and went
at the same time.
And the- and the woman that
he was makin' love to, right,
couldn't give away no p*ssy
for two years. [chuckles]
'Cause people go, "Uh, no. Uh-uh. Mm.
Nah. No, baby. Mm. No, Lord. Nah.
You done k*lled one m*therf*cker
with it. That's all right.
Now, that's some p*ssy
you can keep right there. Mm."
And I saw the lady recently. She's still
a little f*cked-up about it, you know.
She came and said,
"I'm sorry I k*lled your father..."
I said, "Miss, what are you
talkin' about?" [chuckles]
I said, "Shit. People get k*lled
in plane wrecks
and run over by busses and shit.
He died in your p*ssy." [chuckles]
"That's called recyclin'."
You know, I just figured God must have
loved my father a whole lot
to let him go out like that, right?
'Cause if I had a choice... Now, men,
you know the truth and I tell you,
if you have a choice between dyin'
in some p*ssy or gettin' hit by a bus,
which line would you be in?
I know which line I'm gon' be in.
I'm gon' be in that
long m*therf*cker, Jack.
The funeral was somethin' else too.
'Cause black funerals
are different than white funerals, right?
You know, white people have funerals...
You don't give it up at the funeral.
You do. I mean, you love
your dearly departed as much as we do,
but at the funeral you don't...
You be... [stifled sobs]
Oh, my.
[sighs]
And then, sometime
they faint. [gasps]
But then, see, black people
let it hang out at the funeral.
They don't care. They're...
[shrill wailing]
[hoarse voice] Lord, have mercy! Jesus,
help me! Help me! Lord! I can't stand it!
I can't stand it! I can't stand it!
Take me, God! Take me, take me, take me!
[babbling]
Right? And then, they fall
all on your ass. [chuckles]
You say, [imitating straining]
"g*dd*mn, baby! Get yo' big ass up!"
Say, "Why in the f*ck you gon' k*ll me
'cause that n*gga dead?
Get... off..." [grunts]
[laughs]
My grandmother
could do that shit real good.
"Help me, Jesus! Lord, have mercy!
Help me! Help me! I say, help me, God!
God! Take me! Take me..."
That's how she made me
stop snortin' cocaine. [chuckles]
She did. She pulled that shit
on me. It worked too, Jack.
I had the nerve to pull out
some cocaine at the dining room table.
She had never seen me do any, right?
And she looked at me
a long time, and she said, "Boy...
what's that you puttin'
up your nose?"
I said, "Cocaine, Mama."
[hoarse voice] "Jesus! God!
Take me now, Lord! Take me now!
"God, save my life! Take me, take me,
take me! Lord, have mercy, Jesus!"
[whimpering] I said, "Mama,
don't do that shit!
"Look! I'm throwin'
the shit out, Mama. Look, look.
Sixteen-hundred dollars
worth of shit down the drain, Mama."
She found out how much it cost,
she say, "You dumb m*therf*cker!
You could have sold some of that shit
back to the man you got it from!
I told you that shit'd make you ignorant!
God damn your soul."
[chuckles]
My grandmother is the lady
that used to discipline me, right?
You know, beat my ass. [chuckles]
Anyone here remember
them switches?
[audience] Yeah!
Right? You used to have to go
get off the tree yourself...
and take them leaves like that?
I see them trees today,
I will k*ll one of them m*therf*ckers.
I will stop the car and say, "Wait.
Hold it, Jack. Listen. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You ain't never gon' grow up.
You won't be beatin' nobody's ass."
Right? 'Cause that's some hell...
Do I have a tumor,
or did it get dark in here?
'Cause that's some
hell of a psychology, right?
To make you go get a switch
to beat your own ass with.
Right? My grandma said, "Boy, go get me
somethin' to beat your ass with."
And that would be the longest walk
in the world, right? [indistinct]
And you be thinkin' all kinds
of shit, right? [chuckles]
'Cause you know
you done f*cked up, Jack.
[whimpering] "Maybe it'll snow
before I get there or somethin'.
"Maybe she'll have a heart attack,
won't be able to whup me.
I don't wanna get no whuppin',
'cause it's gonna tear it up, I know it."
And you know you couldn't
come back with no little switch, right?
'Cause if you did, she'd go out and get
the tree and beat your ass with it, right?
You'd be, like... [whimpering]
"Please. I don't wanna get no whuppin'."
And you get them switches, and they start
cuttin' wind on the way home, right?
[imitates switches whooshing]
Make you start cryin'
before you get to the house.
[imitates switches whooshing]
[sobbing] "Mama!
[imitates switches whooshing]
Mama, stop! I don't wanna..." [blubbering]
"Mama, please. Mama, please.
[screaming] Mama, please! Mama, please!
Please, Mama! Please, Mama!
Please, Mama, please!
[laughs]
And my grandmother would get mad
and beat your ass with anything, right?
You know, an old
douche bag cord. Anything.
Anyone here remember them
old douche bags they used to have?
-[crowd getting worked up]
-Them big red boys?
Used to hang in the bathroom?
Hold eight gallons of water.
[chuckles] My grandmother
used to call it a "hot water bottle."
Right? Be hangin' in the bathroom
on a coat hanger. [chuckles]
Smell like vinegar.
My grandmother snatch the cord out of one
of them boys and tear your ass up with it.
Right? And I'd always try to get out
of ass-whuppin', right,
by going to sleep early.
You know, get in bed and just go
to sleep. Pass up supper and shit.
No good.
My grandmother'd wake my ass up.
You know, "Get your ass out...
Put your hand up. Put your-
don't you run from me!
Don't you run... from... me!
As long as you black,
don't... you... run...
from... me!"
And there was always one thing to remember
when you was gettin'
your ass whupped, right?
That was not to say shit.
Right? I mean, you could yell
and scream all you want,
but don't say no shit like...
[whimpering] "I won't do it no more!"
'Cause that just add extra licks.
"Oh, I know you ain't gon' do it no more,
'cause you shouldn't
have done it the first time
when I told you not to do it!"
[chuckles]
And you'd wake up in the morning
and look like a welt.
You'd be good
for eight months though, Jack.
[whimpering]
"Morning, Mama."
Then she'd fix you up.
"Come here, baby.
"Now, see you shouldn't do that,
g*dd*mn it.
"I told you not to-
just sit still now.
And next time you do it,
I'm gon' tear your ass up again."
But I'd much rather like my grandmother
to discipline me than my father.
'Cause my father
just go out.
I mean, he might say
any kind of shit. You know like-
"Go stand in the middle of the street
while I start the car."
"You heard me. Get your ass
in the middle of the street."
My father was scary, boy. I'd piss
on myself sometimes, he'd call my name--
"Richard!"
"Huh?"
And I had a fight
with my father one time.
Wasn't exactly a fight,
but I did the best I could.
I just got tired
of them ass-whuppin's.
I said, "This is it!
I'm not takin' no more ass-whuppin's!
This is it!"
He looked at me and said,
"What, you a man now, m*therf*cker?"
"Yeah!"
And he hit me
in the chest.
Hard.
[audience laughing]
[imitates blow landing]
He hit me so hard,
my chest just caved in...
and wrapped
around his fist.
And I held onto it
with my chest.
I would not let it go...
so he could
hit my ass again.
And everywhere he moved his arm,
I was hangin' on like this.
[crowd cheers, whistles]
My father was an honest person.
He'd say anything that was on his mind.
He was a brutally honest man.
'Cause I remember when my stepmother died,
we were goin' to the funeral.
Everybody was cryin'
and shit.
[sniveling] So I said,
"Pop, it's gon' be all right."
It was about 14 below zero.
He was in the backseat--
"Pop, it's OK. It's OK."
"Yeah, and it get any colder,
gon' have to bury the bitch by herself."
Now, that's my father.
You know
I wouldn't lie on him.
He got to the graveyard,
he was tellin' the preacher,
"Get to the part with the dirt.
Shit, it's cold!
Yeah, baby, I love you,
but shit, it cold out here! g*dd*mn!"
[applause, cheering]
Then you go home
and eat everything.
All the neighbors and shit
would bring food over,
and everybody would eat somethin'.
You know like Miss Irene
was a lady that helped raise me--
She brought over some dressing
with almonds in it and stuff.
It was great.
We had fun till somebody found
some legs on one of the almonds.
Brother was eatin' it,
said, "Say!
There's some legs
on my almond."
I said, "Well, don't tell me
about this shit.
"I didn't have no roaches, m*therf*cker.
You the one got the roaches.
I don't wanna see the shit.
Get the f*ck outta my face."
My grandmother say,
"Now, don't say nothin' to her.
"She old and blind.
She can't see no more.
She probably left her oven open
and they crawled in there last night.
But, Richard, you have roaches
just like everybody else.
They was good too.
Wasn't they, honey?"
My father taught me about
the great outdoors.
He loved the woods
and shit and nature.
It was something,
'cause I still dig it today, you know.
I used to love to go- like my father'd
take me fishin' and huntin'.
I liked to go huntin' with him,
but I hated bein' the dog.
No. 'Cause my father
didn't have no patience.
He'd just lose his temper.
"g*dd*mn it,
chase the rabbit this way!
What the f*ck you chasin' the rabbit
back that way?
Get your ass in the car! Shit!
We ain't gon' never eat.
Get your ass in the car. You don't know
how to chase no g*dd*mn rabbit."
But there was somethin'
about nature, man.
He taught me
to be in the woods--
The sounds you would hear
would be so different.
[whispering] You ever notice
how quiet you get
when you go in the woods?
It's almost like you know
that God's in there, right?
You be quiet. You'd be-
[imitates leaves,
twigs crunching]
Leaves be crinklin' under your feet.
[imitates leaves crinkling]
Somethin' about nature,
right, just makes you wanna...
shit.
[crowd cheers, laughs]
And women won't go
to the bathroom outside, right?
Ladies, you won't, will ya?
"You wanna go to the bathroom
out here, baby?"
"Uh-uh.
"Nope. Too much- look-
no. Mm-mmm.
"Too many things crawling around
could crawl up there. Mm-mmm, no.
I'll wait till
we get back to the car."
I say, "Bitch, you ain't
gon' piss in the car!
[crowd laughs hysterically]
You better drop your drawers
and piss here."
'Cause men can just
whip that shit out anywhere.
All on a tree and shit.
You ever write your name
in the snow? You be...
[hysterical laughs]
[applause, laughter]
Women still be standin' around--
"I'm not gon' do it. Uh-uh.
I gotta go real bad too.
OK, I'm gonna pull
my panties down a little bit.
OK, now, you don't--
don't you do nothin'. Don't you be funny.
Now, if you see somethin',
you let me know.
You're not gonna do
nothin' funny, are ya?"
"No, baby, go ahead.
I ain't gon' do nothin'. Go ahead."
"OK, I'm just gonna
pull it down a little bit."
[crowd laughs hysterically]
I like to wait till they get into it,
right, and go, "Somebody's comin'!"
Right?
And women can cut their piss off
like that! Whap!
And not another drop
come out!
Men, have you ever tried
to stop your piss?
You get eight hernias, Jack!
You be--
[grunting, groaning]
Piss be runnin'
down your leg.
[groaning continues]
And there's things in the woods
that f*ck wit' you.
You know what I mean?
Like snakes.
Snakes make you
run into trees.
They do, right? Snake!
Pow!
Not many black people
get bitten by snakes.
That's true.
Statistically, that is true.
Because black people
stroll too cool in the woods.
They do. n*gg*s be in the woods,
have a different attitude about the woods.
They be walkin'--
Snake.
Now, white people get bit all the time,
'cause they have a different rhythm.
They be in the woods,
walkin' 'bout--
But in the woods, when you be huntin'
deer and shit,
and you hear all kind of--
[imitating leaves crinkling]
[whispering]
"Say, come over this way. Come over."
[imitates animal chittering]
[whispering] "What the f*ck was that?"
"I don't know."
[imitating leaves crinkling]
"Come on."
And deer
be drinkin' water, right?
[crunch]
[applause, laughter]
[crowd laughs]
And I don't know how deer
ever drink water, as scared as they are.
They be goin' 'bout--
[whispering] "Come on. Shh.
Come around this way.
Why the f*ck
you gon' make two paths?
Just bring your ass the way I'm comin'.
I know what I'm doin' goddammit.
Just walk where I walk.
You'll be upwind. He'll smell your ass.
Just walk in my footsteps goddamit."
"Come on.
[whispering continues]
"Get off my g*dd*mn foot!
"You on my corn, n*gga!
[mouthing words]
[crinkling]
[crinkling]
"There he is.
Beautiful, ain't he?
Now give me the r*fle."
"What r*fle?"
[crowd laughing]
[sighs]
"The r*fle I gave you
back at the car."
"Shit, I didn't know you wanted me
to carry the r*fle."
[crowd continues laughing]
"If you ain't got the r*fle,
we in trouble."
"How you figure that?
Ain't nothin' but a deer."
"I know that.
But there's a bear behind you."
[crowd laughing]
"Oh, shit.
"Which way you gon' run?
No, I just wanna know
so I don't run over your ass."
'Cause them woods
is somethin' else, Jack.
[applause, cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you.
You got to have
a certain kind of persona, though,
to be in them woods
f*ckin' with them animals and shit,
'cause that's their home.
You know? You got to be knowin'
what you're doin'.
'Cause you might f*ck around
and somethin' grab your ass.
You got to have a look
about you, right?
I mean, if you look
like Leon Spinks,
then you can
get away with that shit.
'Cause Leon could chase
some of that shit out them woods.
Right? Them mountain lions
and shit.
"You see the smile
on that m*therf*cker, man?"
I hope Brother Leon ain't here tonight
to hear that shit.
Leon, boy. Now, that's another n*gga
have bad luck be f*ckin' with him.
Leon be walkin' down the street.
Bad Luck: "Leon?" "Huh?
"What you wan' do?
Freaky deaky?"
Leon, brother got a lot of heart though.
He really has.
He gave Ali another shot
at the title and shit,
and they didn't want him to.
Makes me feel good
when that happens.
-Really.
-[crowd applauds]
'Cause to me- I don't think nobody else
can beat that young n*gga myself.
'Cause he just--
Ali didn't really beat him up.
He just beat him
off him.
'Cause that n*gga
ain't been hurt yet.
He don't know nothin'
'bout the pain. Not Leon.
Leon was tryin' to get the champ,
and the champ was cool too.
Every time Leon would start some shit,
Ali would grab his ass.
Ali say, "Not here, n*gga.
Not tonight.
Every time you start some shit,
I'm gon' grab your ass
just like this here.
Cause I got to have it
this evenin'.
So now I'm gon' let you go.
Take that with ya."
And Leon figured, like--
Leon said , "I ain't got nothin' to lose.
"I ain't got no money.
"I ain't got no 'teefers.'
"And I definitely ain't got
no driver's license.
[cheers and applause]
"So what in the f*ck
can you do to me?
Freaky deaky!"
Only thing-- I don't like to hear
white people be sayin',
"He dumb, ain't he?"
And n*gg*s be agreein' with 'em.
That's what tickles me.
Be happy for any n*gga doin' anything.
[applause]
Right? 'Cause ain't nobody ever said
the heavyweight champion
had to be no entomologist anyway.
Just say,
"Leon, what do you do?"
"I knock m*therf*ckers out."
That's all he got to do.
Ali, man-- I got in the ring
one time with--
Ali, man, is awesome.
I was in a benefit with him--
just-for-fun boxing--
and just to get in the ring
with the n*gga, your heart go-- [gasps]
You know? 'Cause somethin' make you say,
"I'm in this motherfuckin' ring and shit.
Does everybody know
this is for fun?"
You know 'cause the n*gga
be f*ckin' wit' you.
Soon as you get in the ring,
Ali be talkin' 'bout--
[mouths words]
"I'm gon' kick your ass!"
I said, "Wait a minute!
Does this n*gga know this is a benefit?
He ain't supposed to hit my ass
up in this m*therf*cker?"
And the n*gga's so fast, you don't see
his punches till they comin' back.
That's all you see, right?
And your mind be sayin',
"Wait a minute now.
There was some shit in my face
a minute ago. I know that."
Ali came out, man,
he threw about eight punches
a quarter-inch from my nose.
He said--
[imitates rapid punches] I said, "Shit!"
And I was happy to be in the ring
with the champ.
You know what I mean. It was really nice,
but my mind kept saying,
"What happen if this n*gga
have one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks?"
You know what I mean?
"Round 11-- Joe Frazier!"
[imitates punch landing]
It'd give me
brain damage for life.
[babbling]
Freaky deaky!
[laughs]
That boxing a hard hustle though--
[imitates punching] Boom.
I used to box
in the Golden Gloves.
I was good in the gym.
[chuckling]
It was in the ring
where I had my trouble.
I was a m*therf*cker in the gym,
you know, hittin' the heavy bag.
[imitates punches landing]
'Cause the bag don't move.
'Cause you get in the ring,
n*gg*s be talkin' 'bout--
I said, "Hey, Coach!
What about this shit here?
This n*gga movin'!"
And I always had to box them dudes
that looked like they just
k*lled their parents.
You ever see them n*gg*s
with them big, rusty-ass hands?
Kind of hand you can strike a match
in the middle of it?
Right. They come out at the bell
beatin' theyself up.
Right? Ding!
[mic blaring]
I said,
"Well, he don't give a f*ck about me!
He kickin' his own ass!"
Then the coach say,
"Stick and move! Stick and move!"
And you be scared
when you have your first boxin'.
[crowd cheering and laughing]
And you get one in, right? Pip!
You look at your own shit--
"Hey, this shit might work!"
Then you start tryin'
a little bit.
Pang! Pang! Pip! Ping!
Pip-Ping!
Then it get good to you. Right?
Pang! Ping!
And I f*cked around and left
one of them "pings" out there too long.
And I saw this n*gga's eyes
got real red.
And in his mind I know he was sayin',
"I'm gon' k*ll them ribs."
And he hit me with a punch...
he got from... Mississippi.
It came in slow motion.
It say--
[imitates object
cutting through air]
Gained momentum
in Georgia.
Swept up through Louisiana.
And my body say,
"Get the f*ck out the way!"
I couldn't move though!
But my mind say,
"Drop your arm, block the punch
and counter with your right."
But my arm say,
"I ain't got nothin' to do with it!"
[people laughing]
And he hit me in the ribs--
[imitates punch]
[gasping]
You ever had air
leave your body?
Air just said, "f*ck it!"
[gasps]
Then he saw my other side was weak.
He said, "Oh, you want some air."
[imitates blow landing, gasping]
And I kept tryin' to fall.
But my legs
was in good shape.
They wouldn't fall.
My legs looked at me and said,
"Why in the f*ck should we fall?
"Ain't nobody hit us!
"Shit, you gon' make us look bad
'cause you can't take an ass-whuppin'?
You better raise your ass
back up there, Jack!"
I had one n*gga whup me so good,
I thought he was
playin' conga on my body.
[scatting]
I started dancin' with the m*therf*cker.
[scatting continues]
And what hurts you most
in boxing, when you box, right,
is the m*therf*ckers
that hit you in the body.
You can deal with them
wild-swingin' m*therf*ckers.
You just block the punch.
But them body punchers yeah,
you come out with your guard
like this at first.
It be all up here.
[imitates punches landing]
About round five
you come out--
And you forget
your chin is open.
"He can't hit me
in the ribs now."
Cat hits you in the chin--
Whap!
And your legs
are the first things to go.
Your legs say, "Excuse me.
Uh, I'm falling.
I don't know about you."
And you be sayin',
"No, legs! Hang in there!"
"f*ck it!"
And you be down, Jack.
You start lookin' in the audience
for your parents.
"Hi, Mom! I'm OK!"
Referee countin' and shit.
And you say, "I don't know
what the f*ck you countin' for.
"I ain't gettin' up.
"I'm gon' make sure
this fight's over.
I ain't gettin' out of the ring
till they start sweepin' up."
And there's always somebody
in the audience talkin' 'bout,
"Get up! Get up!"
"f*ck you!
That's how I got down here
in the first place!"
That's why you gotta keep your legs
in shape, man,
and do road work and shit.
You gotta run four
or five miles a day.
Ali run backwards,
'cause that's the way he fights.
Fighters be runnin'
like this.
My trainer, he say,
"Run, keep your mouth closed.
Breathe through your nose."
You be--
[huffing, panting]
You ever be breathin' through your nose,
and snot start comin' out your nose?
[wry face]
That's when the women come out. Right?
"You got snot
hanging on your nose."
[muttering]
Thank you very much.
You ever be running
and give it one of them-- [blows]
and get it on somebody
running next to you?
"Say, Jack, what's this shit
you got on my--
Do you know
I will kick your ass?
You gon' be runnin' for real,
you don't get this shit off me."
And sometime it's ego-crushing
when you be runnin',
'cause old white men
be out there lappin' your ass.
[man yelling]
You ever be runnin'
and you get that pain in your side?
The pain say, "Hello!
I'll be f*cking with you
the next hour or so.
I serve no purpose
other than to k*ll your ass.
I'll be moving
from side to side,
down your groin
and up your ass.
When you drop dead,
I will stop."
Get some water.
[applause, cheering]
[man yells]
-[audience laughing]
-[Pryor chuckles]
But you gotta stay
in shape and shit,
'cause you never can tell
when, in real life, you will have to...
run!
That's right. Run!
g*dd*mn it, run.
Why get k*lled
when you can run?
A lot of people get an ass-whuppin',
and you could run.
You be in the hospital. Your ego'll heal
a lot faster than a broken jaw.
'Cause you'll still be in the hospital
talkin' 'bout, "Shit, I shoulda run."
[crowd laughing]
Run! That's right.
If somebody
pull a knife on you,
and you can't pull out nothin'
but a hand with some skin on it,
your intelligence
ought to tell you to...
run!
But people be watchin' Kojak
and shit too much.
They think they have to be
"Macho Man"
♪ I'll take that knife
and shove it up your ass ♪
♪ I'm Macho Man ♪
You go from "Macho Man"
to "dead person".
'Cause, see, in the movies,
they always make
gettin' stabbed with a knife
look like it's cool.
'Cause they have that music--
[humming dramatically]
See, in real life you don't hear no--
[hums dramatic music]
All you feel
is a knife in your ass.
You be talkin' 'bout--
[dramatic hum]
So run!
And teach your old lady how to run
so you don't have to go back
after her ass.
[applause, cheering]
You say, "I'll meet you home
in five minutes, baby!"
Then you got somethin' to laugh about
when you get home, right?
"Baby, I beat you here by two minutes.
What the f*ck happened?"
But people try to be
♪ Macho Man ♪
That get you f*cked up, Jack.
Especially nowadays. 'Cause young dudes,
they don't fight like older people.
You know what I mean?
We used to have g*ng fights,
you used your fists and shit.
Now they got that kung fu
and karate and shit.
They like to pluck your eye out
and pull your arm
out of the socket and shit,
or it ain't no fun to them.
So you go out there
with that old-fashioned shit,
they just kick you in the nuts.
Right? You be, "Come on, Jack."
They say-- Fibb.
[applauding, cheering]
[groaning]
"Oh, boy.
No, no, I've had enough.
[in raspy voice] You win, you win.
Oh, boy.
Oh, b-- Oopsy-daisy.
OK. No, I'm fine.
Just, uh--
"Just tryin' to find my balls.
Two. Yeah.
There was two of 'em.
Got the two.
Ah, here's one here.
No, no. I'll just put it in my pocket.
Thank you very much.
If you see the other one,
would you mail it to me?
See you around."
[muttering]
But you gotta stay in shape, right?
'Cause you never can tell.
You gotta swim or somethin'.
I can't swim myself.
My kids swim their ass off.
We got a pool. I can't swim.
I'm in the shallow part.
I be pitchin' a bitch
in the shallow part.
[gurgles]
What happened?
Don't nobody push me, Jack.
One time I was playin' with my kids
and forgot what I was doin'...
and f*cked around
and jumped off in the deep end.
And that water
bring your memory back like that.
I didn't even get a chance to--
"Motherf--" [gurgling]
And all your mind says,
when you think you drownin' in a pool,
your mind says,
"Get to the edge!
Get your ass to the edge!"
And I was swimmin' my ass off
in one spot.
I wasn't goin' no place.
And my kids
was watchin' me. Right?
And my kids think
everything I do is funny.
They was like,
"Look at Daddy drownin'!"
[laughing]
"Daddy, you're so funny!
Kick your legs, Daddy!
Kick your legs!"
I said, "I'm gon' kick your ass,
you don't help me out this m*therf*cker!"
And my kids get away with shit
I never could get away with.
'Cause I can't bring myself
just to beat 'em up--
you know,
that kind of standard parent shit
like my family did.
'Cause I don't wanna f*ck my kids up
like I'm f*cked up.
[cheering]
So I just talk to 'em.
I say,
"Get the f*ck out my face.
"Just leave me the f*ck alone.
I don't wanna hear the shit.
You don't respect yourself,
and I know you don't respect me.
Now, f*ck ya."
About an hour later,
they come to my room.
"I'm sorry.
I f*cked up."
I said, "That's right.
Now, don't do it no more.
'Cause I don't wanna have to
get in your ass, you know."
"Oh, Daddy,
you're so funny."
My kids, when they lie--
that's the thing I love the most.
When they be tryin' to tell them lies,
and you know they lyin'.
You say,
"Uh, who broke this?"
"Huh?"
"I said, who broke this?"
"OK.
I'm gon' tell you. OK?"
First--
OK, I'm gon' tell you.
First- first,
I wasn't in here, right?
Uh-uh.
First, I was-- I was--
I was in the kitchen, OK?
Uh-huh. Then...
then- then, when I was in the kitchen,
you know what happened?
You don't know
what happened?
OK. I'm gon' tell you. OK?
Then, I was--
I was in the kitchen. OK?
Then I was--
I was runnin' in here--
I wasn't really runnin'.
'Cause you remember
when you told me not to run?
Uh-huh. So I wasn't
really runnin' runnin'.
But it was kinda like I was runnin'.
My legs was movin' real fast.
It looked like I was runnin',
but I wasn't really runnin'. Uh-uh.
And I was in here then
when that thing--
That thing was already broke.
Uh-huh. That was broke
even before I was born.
And when that door
was fell back like that,
and it broke and it fell down.
[mumbling]
That's what happened."
Get me some water.
[whispers]
Hi.
[man shouting]
Long Beach!
f*ck you!
[chuckling]
Can you- can you turn the lights up
just for a moment?
[man from audience]
No!
[audience shouting, whistling]
Just for a second.
[audience continues
shouting, whistling]
Shut the f*ck up!
[audience laughing]
Turn the house lights up,
house people.
Lighters, just for a minute.
Just for a second.
Thank you.
I'd like to introduce you to someone.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Huey P. Newton.
Stand up, Huey.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Thank you for coming.
Turn the lights down now.
Turn the m*therf*ckers down.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming, Huey.
I'm happy that you're here.
Now, what--
[man shouting]
Shut the--
What, m*therf*cker?
What? You done stood up.
You crazy? You got a jacket on,
and it's hot in this m*therf*cker.
So I'm definitely gon' speak to you.
What is it?
[man]
You gotta rank on Mexicans!
I gotta--
About the Mexicans?
You want me to
rank the Mexicans.
You all in worse trouble
than n*gg*s.
You all get to pass for white.
I can't be f*ckin' with you all.
It's no fun
pickin' on Mexicans.
You guys
got a country.
And the Chinese too.
The Chinese-
here are Chinese people here, boy.
You better watch out.
I'll sic them on your ass.
There's a billion Chinese.
Ain't but 40 Mexicans.
That's a lot of people, right?
A billion people?
Jesus Christ.
Somebody in China
doin' some serious f*ckin'.
[crowd laughs hysterically]
That's right. They f*ck quick too.
[speaks mock Chinese]
I was in Chinatown, right?
We went to Chinatown
'bout five months ago.
I heard the funniest shit
I'd ever heard in my life--
it was a Chinese person that stuttered.
I swear! This dude was really
stuttering in Chinese!
Talkin' 'bout--
[stuttering in mock Chinese]
And his friends was getting mad at him,
tryin' to help his ass.
[shouts in mock Chinese]
He was still goin'--
[stuttering]
You go to Chinatown, they get mad
if you don't eat all the food.
Right?
"Man, can I have
the check, please?"
"You got two more dishes!"
"Man, I can't eat
no more of this shit."
"You order shit,
you eat shit!
Who you think you are--
Buster Brown?"
And they bring you a bill,
don't they?
You ever see them bills--
"$48.50? For what?"
Then they get smooth
on your ass.
"You had
two Lobster Cantonese--"
[muttering]
And if you really
don't understand,
they send that stutterin' m*therf*cker
over there to explain it you.
[stuttering
in mock Chinese]
You end up throwing your money at 'em--
"Here, m*therf*cker.
Take what you want.
Just shut the f*ck up
'fore you die."
A billion people, boy.
Has to be some makin' love in China.
See, they ain't like black people
in China.
They f*ck quick
and get it over with.
Black people try and stay in p*ssy
three and four days.
Be inventin' new ways
to f*ck, right?
"Just take your leg, baby--
Wait. Move your arm.
Yeah. Here, put your p*ssy
on this ladder. Right.
Now just move around- yeah.
Now hold it. Yeah, shit! There it is!
Mm-hmm. Yeah, g*dd*mn.
Don't you move now.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm."
And I just found out
some time ago
that sometime
women don't have orgasms.
And that f*cked me up!
No, 'cause I just knew I was
doin' some serious f*ckin'!
I'm talkin' 'bout when you get
the hump in your back and shit.
Get all ugly in the face.
Toes be talkin' 'bout--
And you go, "How was it, baby?"
Woman go--
[crowd laughs hysterically]
"You say--
Well, what the f*ck is--"
"Well, I didn't come."
"Well, shit, I did!"
"Well, what about me?"
"What about you?
Shit, I got mine. Get yours!
Shit, I ain't got no time
to be sensitive, 'cause I'm--
♪ Macho man ♪
♪ I don't give a damn
if you come or not ♪
♪ I'm Macho Man ♪"
You gotta be cool
when you're Macho Man,
'cause you can't be sensitive
and care about if someone
have a good time in bed.
Shit. That's too scary.
'Cause men be scared in bed.
I don't give a f*ck
what they tell you women.
When the sex is over, men be talkin' like,
"Did she come? I wonder if she came.
I wonder if it was good to her.
I'm not gonna ask her though.
I don't give a shit.
If she didn't like it,
that's all right I don't care!
'Cause I did the best I could.
f*ck her!
That's it. She's not gettin' any more
and that's it!
Please get hard. Please!
I don't care what-- Don't kiss me no more!
I don't wanna be touched!"
Some n*gg*s be lyin'--
"I can f*ck eight, nine hours, Jack."
You's some lyin'
m*therf*ckers.
You f*ck nine hours, we know
where to bury your ass on the 10th.
'Cause I like
makin' love myself,
and I can make love
for about three minutes.
I do about three minutes
of serious f*ckin',
then I need
eight hours sleep.
[audience laughing,
applauding, cheering]
And a bowl of Wheaties.
And you can tell when you'd have made
good love to your woman, right?
'Cause she will go to sleep.
That's when you really are--
♪ Macho Man ♪
♪ I put your ass to sleep
I'm Macho Man ♪
But if you finish f*ckin'
and your woman want to talk
about computer components,
you got some more f*ckin' to do.
And don't get me wrong.
They got some women
just as chauvinist as we men are.
Some women be talkin' about--
"Oh! No! Please stop! I can't take it!"
You say,
"Can you wait till I put it in?"
[audience laughing, cheering]
And usually, when men meet a woman
that says she never had an orgasm,
men, we go right past sensitivity.
We go right to the ego.
"Well, bitch,
you gon' come this evenin'!"
"Soon as I get my shit
open here.
As much shit as I got
in this briefcase, I know you gon' come.
Just a minute.
Yeah, here it is."
[imitates vibrator humming]
[humming: lower register]
[humming: lower register]
"Just relax."
[humming continues]
And when you don't use sensitivity
when you havin' sex,
or share some of your soul,
nothin' gonna happen.
Because men really get afraid.
Men are really scared in bed.
When you got to have that macho shit
be workin', it's hard to say,
"Um, d-did, uh--
d-did you-
d-did you, um--
[whimpering]
[haltingly]
did you come?
Did you?"
Right? 'Cause men get defensive.
If a woman says she didn't come,
men get real defensive.
They won't take no fault for shit.
They might say anything
when they get scared.
Men go,
"Uh, look, baby, uh,
maybe your p*ssy dead."
[crowd laughs hysterically]
And women always have
a great comeback.
Women say, "Well, why don't you give it
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?"
You ever give head
for nine hours?
Your back locks.
Your jaws and shit
swell all up.
Lips look like a cartoon, Jack.
[mumbling]
"Please. I can't do any more."
And when you stop, woman always say,
"But I almost came!"
Finally, I ended up sayin',
"Look, I'll be the bitch.
You get on top."
And she came too!
Right?
She said--
[moaning, screaming]
"I'm coming!"
[moaning, yelling]
[singing five tones from
Close Encounters Of The Third Kind]
[applause, cheering]
She say, "How was it?"
I say--
Thank you.
[audience cheer and applaud]
[Pryor] Thank you.
[applause, cheering continues]