01x01 - Bone Dry

[bunniefuu]

I'll tell you who could use an image consultant.

You know, neither of us was inside your head
- for the first part of that.


- Aliens.

I see.

Foreign people, or the outer space kind? The outer space ones.

All you ever see in movies is them attacking Earth
- and frying people with lasers.


- That's not true.

They're often shown simply abducting and probing.


- That's better?
- Give me a probing over a frying any day.

[bell rings]

You're both missing my point.

I'm sorry.

Not used to you having one.

There's probably hundreds of planets out there, so they can't all be monsters and maniacs.

How come you never see good aliens?
- Like Superman?
- E.

T.

?
- Starman? Cocoon?
- ALF? Oh, yeah.

Forgot about those ones.

Is someone going to pump our gas? We don't have time to stand around all day doing nothing.

We're not doing nothing.

We're talking aliens.

Ooh I love that movie.

Paul Reiser is under
-appreciated.

Everyone's listing off friendly aliens, but I can only think of mean ones.


- Alien Predator
- Predator fought Alien, so one of them must be good.

Superman fought Batman, and they're both good.


- The movie was bad.


- Batman breaks the law all the time.

Breaking the law doesn't make someone bad.


- You ever hear of Jean Valjean?
- Kickboxing Time Cop? Okay, let me update my reference.


- You ever see Breaking Bad?
- That's got "bad" right in the title.


- Okay, you're all set.


- Already? I wanted it filled.

Yeah, that's all there is.

Looks like the underground t*nk is empty.

So that'll be 37 cents.

Mork! You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, baby You're so wrong 1x01
- Bone Dry Lacey, what's in the soup? I could write out the recipe if you like it.


- I hate it.


- Oh well, I won't bother, then.

It's got little stones in it.

See? Okay, gross.

Roll your tongue back in your skull.

Those aren't stones, that's quinoa.


- Keen
-what?
- It's just small, round,
- kind of granular little
- Pebbles? Grain! It's a type of grain.

I just decided to shake things up a bit.

We don't like our soup shaken.

We like our soup like it's always been rock free.

[groans]

They're not rocks! What the hell's going on?! Oh, hey, Dad.

The tanks ran dry.

I hope you'll do me the honour of over
-reacting to this.

The tanks?! The underground tanks?! No, the Sherman tanks I brought home from World w*r II.

What kind of an idiot jackass lets his gas station run out of gas?! You're just a station now.

Change the sign from Corner Gas to Corner Nothing.

"Come into the Nothing Station and buy some red
-hot Nothing!"
- Proprietor: Jackass.


- Mm, all good suggestions.

Look, I just forgot to get the order in on time.

The next truck will be around in two or three days.

You have any idea what can happen to a gas
-less town in three days? It'll be like some kind of post
-apocalyptic, fuel
-starved hellscape, like in that movie.


- Frozen?
- You know the one I mean, smart guy.

[wind blowing]

[music]

Mmm [mad laughter]

[man]

Whoo! [chuckling]

[muffled]

Glibish olgish! Sorry, what? I said, give us your gas! What the hell did you think I said?! "Glibish olgish.

" You probably need a bigger mouth hole.

A hundred dune
-buggies pull up to a gas station, and you can't figure out what we want?! Could've been soda.


- I'd love a soda.


- Shut up, you! So the apocalyptic future is still you yelling at me, only shirtless? Where are you going to find a shirt in the apocalypse? I think we'll survive a couple days with no gas.

Oh, sure.

Total la
-di
-da attitude.

No sense of responsibility.

It's time I taught you a lesson.

Now? You never taught me anything growing up.

You wait 'til I'm 40? That's a lot of corn.

Whatcha got planned, something stupid? Something genius.

Town's out of gas, so I'm going to make my own fuel by boiling up this corn.

Going to make a zillion bucks.

Off the 400 people who live here? A jillion bucks, then.

Whatever.

Just ring it up.

Hank, there's more to making ethanol than just boiling corn.

Oh, let me guess one of the 7,000 courses you took in college was Corn Gas 101.

Quite a fascinating process, actually biomass pre
-treatment, enzyme extraction,
- cellular hydrolysis
- As if you could actually do it.

You're damn right I could do it! It's just that the fermentation process takes a long time, so Oh, you backpedaling now? 'Cause I know where there's some stuff already fermenting.

Okay.

You get the fermenting stuff, and I'll go set up my kid's chemistry set, and then we'll see which one of us is the genius, and which one of us is the idiot named Hank.


- Deal!
- Hi, Hank.

[chuckles]

I can get her to do anything
- just by saying, "as if you could.

"
- What? Oh, yeah, you weren't here for the whole I was saying that
- I don't have time for this.


- Okay.

I kind of like this "no gas" situation.

Means we can't patrol the town.

Nothing to do but hang tight and let the crime come to us.

[sighing]

I'm bored.

Maybe we should do a foot patrol! Maybe that's the stupidest idea of all time.

Stupider than when you tried to kiss that badger? It wasn't a badger.

Mmm [kissing]

[kissing]

[screaming]

Oh, yeah, that was a badger.

Why was I kissing a badger? That was the question we all had, and why did you need lip balm? [music]

So I tell Brent the town's going to fall apart, and he just shrugs like a big, dumb lump.

Honestly, how did we end up with such a lazy son? Guess we'll never know.

Grab a shovel.

You're closer.

What is this stuff, anyway? Sauerkraut or it will be, once it's done fermenting.

[chuckling]

That kid of ours needs to learn he can't stand around all day with his thumb up a comic book.

Look, you retired, and the gas station is his now.

Let him run it his way.

The old ways aren't always the best.

Says the woman burying cabbage in the dirt.

Why are we making our own sauerkraut anyway,
- like German cavemen?
- Because the old ways are the best.

You can buy this stuff for two bucks a can.

[chuckles]

Ha! A buck eighty.

This'll show her.

Hello? I want to buy something, if anyone even works here! Ha! Typical.

I could rob this place blind, and hmm.

[Brent]

What the hell? Hi, Brent.

How's it
- Hey, where's all your groceries?
- No clue.

Maybe there was some kind of food rapture and it's all up in convenience store heaven.

[angelic choir]

Fie! Whence came this contemptible heap? Hey, King, they've got Mars bars! Mmm way ahead of you, spaceman.

Hmph.

No, that can't be right.

The devilled ham is gone too.

Hello, my boy, I Well, hold the phone.

What has happened here? Ah, I see.

The criminal mastermind returns to the scene.

This is terrible.

No food and no gas? Maybe now it's time to
- oh, I don't know panic?!
- Yeah, most experts agree that panic is the best reaction in any crisis, but just so we're clear, you're saying you didn't pinch my groceries
- to teach me some stupid lesson?
- I most certainly did not, and furthermore, I resent the instigation.

[chuckling]

Good day to you.

[panting]

I hate this foot stuff.


- It's called "walking.

"
- I miss the car.

That's where all the fun cop gizmos are.

Loudspeaker, siren, shotgun Let's not consider the shotgun a "gizmo.

" Karen, Davis, what's going on around here? There's no gas at the gas station, and now, there's no food.

Are we in the end times? End times? End times?! That doesn't sound good.

Here.

Hey, where's all your stuff? I have reason to believe my dad stole it, even though I have no hard proof.

[creaking]


- Lots of soft proof.


- Why would he do that? I'd say "lunatic" probably the best bet.

[sips, spits]


- There's a toe in my coffee!
- It's not coffee, it's soup.

You brought me a coffee cup full of toe soup? It was a bean.

Honestly you feel something unexpected in your mouth, and your first thought is "toe"? Beans and toes have a very similar shape.

My tongue doesn't have eyes, Lacey.

[sighing]

This town is k*lling me.

I tried one little change to the vegetable soup and everyone hates it.

What do you think? I'm not a good judge.

I'm still a bit traumatized by the toe thing.

[music]

Urgh Damn raccoons are back.

Where's my B.

B.

g*n? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! End times? What is that, a biblical thing? [panting]

Hold up, let's rest a minute.

This town must be half a mile across.

We should do this more often.

It's Hang on What do we have here, Little Miss Breaking Bad? Am I getting a blister?
- Sorry about the soup thing.


- Nah, forget it.


- Can I get a chili cheese dog?
- Nope.


- We're all out of food.


- Out of food? Word got out about your place being empty, and everyone got panicky.

They bought me out of everything.

Even hot dogs?! [dramatic music]

Uh, yeah.

Apparently, word spread that there was no food at Corner Gas, so everyone panicked, and there was a run on this place, on my place, every place that has food.

Won, you must have some hot dogs somewhere.

In a freezer, maybe? Hotdog freezer? Nope.

Out of pretty much everything.

How could you let this happen? This is very unprofessional, Won.

You know, I was going to drive into the city and get some supplies, but I can't get any gas for some reason.

Yeah, well, that's that's a whole different complicated and as for you, you should be more upset about this! This could be my chance to force everyone I mean, provide everyone opportunity to try something different.

Won, you must have something left anything.

All I have left is a frozen beef shank and some licorice allsorts.

"Best before 1997"? Look, you can win tickets to see the Spice Girls.

I'll take the shank.

[bubbling]

Ah! What the crap? What happened to your face? Emma sh*t me about 20 times with her B.

B.

g*n.

She's got a good eye.

Wonder if she plays Call of Duty.

Why would she sh**t you? I mean, I'm all for it, but why specifically? She has sauerkraut in the ground, fermenting for our fuel thing.

My fuel thing.

So head back there and get it.

No way.

She's got the garden on lockdown.

It's like Starlog 17 over there.

[over PA]

Attention, citizens of Dog River.

Be advised your police are on foot patrol, and does anyone have a Band
-Aid for a blister? Pretty cool, eh? We can make our own gizmos.

You didn't make that.

It has a loudspeaker button right on it.

Jealous! Knock it off.

I'm worried about Wanda.

Her garage looked like a drug lab.

Drug lab, pfft.

Could be any kind of lab.

Name me another kind of lab.

Chocolate Lab? You think she's running a puppy mill in there? She could be a drug czar, like her hero, Jean Claude
-Vachon.

No way.

Wanda doesn't have the three things every drug czar has
- weapons, money, and jewelry.


- I wear jewelry.

Are you trying to tell me something? Hey, Lacey, let me see a menu.

We're out of everything on the menu, and there's nowhere in town to buy anything else.

This town is falling apart, just like I said.

[sniffing]

Wait I smell something cooking.

[laughing]


- Smells good.


- That's Osso Bucco.


- Oh, gross!
- You just said it smelled good.

What's with you and weird food? Grosso Bucco, Keno soup Make some non
-foreign food, like spaghetti or tacos.

Well, that's all I have, so if you don't want it, you can have crackers and tap water.


- What kind of crackers?
- Imaginary crackers.


- Animal crackers?
- There are no crackers! Honestly, Dad your hideout is 30 feet away? Let's see if the old spare key is in the same place it's always been.

Yep.

Same old place.

Busted.

Okay, Dad you teach me a lesson, I teach you a lesson.

Ooh, hey, Emma.

Whatcha doing? Sitting? What gave it away, the chair? [forced chuckle]

Indeed.

No, just making idle chit
-chat, as neighbours and friends will do on a lovely day such as we're experiencing today.


- Are you drunk?
- I wish! Hey, snazzy g*n you got there.

What is that, a Magnum?
- Colt .

45?
- Pellet.

[Wanda]

Oh, cool.

Can I see it? Hmm This blister's getting bad.

You might have to piggy
-back me.

So you'll have a blister and I'll have a hernia? Maybe Emma has a Band
-Aid.

Hey, Emma! You got a Band
-Aid?
- Probably.


- [Davis]

Hi, Wanda.

Nice g*n.

So Wanda has a w*apon.

Check! Hey, Hank.


- Aw, you fall asleep in the park again?
- Huh? No, uh this is work
-related face dirt, [chuckles]

and I worked up an appetite.

Well, we only have one thing today Osso Bucco.

Costco Boofo? Sounds weird, but affordable.


- It's not weird.

It's a classic European
- I'm out.

Yeah, well you probably couldn't handle it anyway.


- I could handle it.


- As if you could.

Bring me a bowl or glass or whatever it is! [slurping]

Mm.

[all gasping]

Hey! Hard as it is to believe, this is pretty good.

What do you mean
- Bring me a bowl.


- I'll have one too.

I had a quarter t*nk of gas in my car, and now, it's completely empty! Really? Oh, you know what? That might be partly my fault.

I did take it for a wee spin around.

Got kind of dizzy, to be honest.

Why the hell would you do that? I
-I think I was just so upset about the whole food thing.

I guess I got a little panicky which is good, right? So I borrowed your car and drove it around at a high rate of speed looking for the thief who stole my food.

Anyhoo, turns out, and here's the weird part the food was in the trunk of your car the whole time! Like, whoever the thief is, he's pretty stupid.

I mean, leaving the evidence in my own father's car? Uh
-huh, I see.

Okay.

Well, this is far from over, buddy boy is what the thief is probably thinking right about now.

Hey, I hear everyone's enjoying your Rene Russo? That's right.

It's new, it's different, it's not called Rene Russo, but people are loving it! I don't want to say "I told you so," but it is so, and I was the one who told you.

So So you'll call me when there's hot dogs? Hey, Karen.

Hey, Davis.

What's up?
- All your food is back.


- My food was gone? But it's back.

No need to panic.

I wasn't planning on panicking.

Well, you'd be the only one which begs the question why are you so calm and mellow?
- Probably a reasonable explanation.


- Oh, there is.

Suffice to say, I've come into a good amount of cabbage, and that's going to ramp things up for me real fast.

[whistling]

Ugh, wish I could whistle.

"Cabbage" is g*ng talk for money.

If you're in a g*ng with Spanky and Alfalfa.

Who? All I know is g*n? Check! Money? [static]

Check! Stop doing that!
- What are you doing now?
- If you must know, I'm going to wire up the phone at Corner Gas so when Brent picks it up, he'll get a powerful electric shock.

And why do you want to give him an electric shock, which I'll be stopping you from doing.

It'll remind him to call the gas truck for a delivery.

No, it'll remind him that his father is a crazy person.

Shock therapy is solid science.

The current travels from here to [screaming]

Give me that before you k*ll [screaming]

[laughing]

It smarts, don't it? [screaming]

[laughing]

What was I doing? [Lacey]

Can I have your attention, everybody? Just letting you know that I am back in the kitchen whipping up a couple new and exciting dishes that I'm sure you'll all enjoy.

What kind of weirdness is it now? Weirdness? Haven't you learned anything from this? Haven't you learned we don't like new things?
- We've been very up
-front about this.


- Oh, sure, this stuff's not bad.

That doesn't mean we want to spend our lives on the constant razor's edge of the unknown.

Come on, Brent.

Help me out here with this screwy Dog River logic.

Well here's a bit of logic.

How did you make a couple new, exciting dishes back there when you said you were out of food? Well [laughing]

the thing is about that is
- just.


- This feels like stalling.

There's no emergency! You have food! You lied to everyone.

You lied to me about having no hot dogs.

So I told a tiny fib.

I just wanted people to broaden their horizons.

We got nothing but horizons around here.

Fine.

I'm sorry although, for the record, I didn't lie to you.


- There really are no hot dogs.


- Oh.

Well, all right, then.

So you're not upset about me lying to everyone else? I can't be worried about everything, Lacey.

We're in the middle of a hot dog crisis here.

Behold, the fruits of my scientific mind.

Ethanol.

I have made fuel!
- Bit dramatic, don't you think?
- Tom Hanks in Castaway? Over the top when he did it too.

[Karen]

Freeze!
- [Hank]

Hi, guys.


- Hi.

What's up? Well, what do you think is up, Wanda White? We're busting your meth lab.

Meth lab? We're not making meth.

Ecstasy? [mouthing "No.

"]


- Aspirin?
- We just made cabbage fuel.


- I made cabbage fuel.


- I got sh*t in the face for it.

See? They're not making illegal dr*gs.

They're just making fuel.

See you later.

Davis! Making your own fuel is illegal too.


- It is?
- It is? Huh.

Well look, there must be some way we can make this minor indiscretion go away.

Hmm? No more stupid foot patrol.

It's time to get Tom Cruiser back on the road.

Wait.

Maybe we should test this fuel on something else first besides our only patrol car.

Wanda knows what she's doing.

She went to college.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Can
-burglar.

Okay, that's enough.

I dragged your father over here so you can both look each other in the eye and apologize for being so pig
-headed.

Okay.

Mom's right.

This did get out of hand, and I was too slack, and I'll be more responsible in the future.

Nice.

Now it's your turn, Oscar.

I'm not going to apologize for being right! The town turned completely bonkers,
- just like I said it would.


- It only went bonkers because Captain Bonkers was at the helm of the S.

S.

Bonkers, and ploughed it right up onto the jagged shores
- of Bonker
-ton
-ville.


- What? He knows what I mean.

Without him, the town would be fine.

[exploding]

Aren't you glad I convinced you
- to try it on something else first?
- I guess.

Not glad it was my lawnmower.


- We might've made rocket fuel.


- I made rocket fuel.

Oscar, we're not leaving 'til you apologize.

All right, all right.

If it'll make you both shut up I'm sorry I took all your canned goods, and I'm sorry I called the gas company
- and cancelled your next delivery truck.


- Thank you.

Thank you.

Wait, you did what? Had to teach you a lesson, so I called and cancelled the fuel delivery for another week.

[chuckles]


- Lunatic.


- You really are an idiot.

You're the one who wouldn't let me shock the boy! Okay, do you have the list of things I need? Yep, I have it right here.

Hot dogs There are other things on that list besides hot dogs.

When I get the hot dogs, I'll look at the rest of the list.

They'll, uh they'll let me carry gas on the bus, right? [music]

I don't know The same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know Ooh It's a great big place Ooh Full of nothing but space Ooh It's my happy place [Brent]