(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BELL TOLLING)
(CHOIR SINGING)
(PLAYERS CHANTING
INDISTINCTLY)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(CHOIR SINGING CONTINUES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, hello, there!
Didn't see you creeping up
behind me.
Welcome. Come on, come in here
and listen
to this wonderful tale of woe.
Not woe as in,
"Ah, bummer, man!"
But woe as in,
"Whoa! That's amazing!
"I can't believe that pretty
much actually happened!
"With a couple of embellishments
"along the way."
Our tale is a tale
of two islands.
One is a teeny-weeny beautiful,
little tropical island
in the Pacific Ocean
called American Samoa.
Home to a wonderful people,
who are deeply religious,
hardworking and deeply religious.
But the other island,
that was a man.
The Palagi white man!
And just like
any incredible story,
our tale begins
with utter humiliation.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COMMENTATOR 1: Well, here
they come. American Samoa.
A bit of smiling going on,
but some apprehension as well.
Well, that's the first one.
Goal!
It's three.
They scored again.
Five for the Socceroos.
Goodness me. Humiliation.
Boys against men.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Hard to keep count.
It's getting embarrassing.
Goal. Goal. Goal.
Just too easy. Goal.
(GOALKEEPER GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)
- COMMENTATOR 2: Thirty-one. American Samoa
on the wrong end of the biggest
World Cup hammering ever.
PRIEST: And 10 years later,
they were just as bad.
In fact, I think they had
actually gotten worse.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
Come on!
(PLAYERS CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(PLAYERS CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
- PLAYER 1: Samoa!
You guys suck!
OPPOSITION PLAYER:
Oh, we're going to lose.
(MUSIKA MALIE
BY L.E.A.O PLAYING)
PLAYER 1: Okay, we can do it.
Come on.
We're going already!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
TAVITA: What are you doing?
COMMENTATOR: Goal!
Oh, my gloves
weren't even on yet.
- Pisa, put your gloves on.
- I'm not even ready!
PLAYER 2: Come on!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
- (LAUGHING)
- Help, help, help!
COMMENTATOR: Goal!
Move out. Move out.
(PISA GRUNTS)
- COMMENTATOR: Goal!
- (LAUGHING)
- (PISA GRUNTS)
- Goal!
- (PISA SOBBING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
That was a terrible first half.
And now I'm forced
to give you a growling.
Are you ready
for the growling? Hmm?
TEAM: Yes.
ACE: Okay, you asked for it.
Get ready.
You were bad. You are bad.
That was bad.
Where's the heart?
Where's the spirit?
You have to play
with heart and spirit.
You're bad. Bad!
Okay, Ace,
I'll take over from here.
Yeah, I think that's best, yeah.
Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
In case you don't know me,
I'm Tavita Taumua.
I'm the President
of the Football Federation
of American Samoa.
But I think you all do know me.
- Hi, son.
- Hey, Dad.
TAVITA: I'm here
to beg something
from you for the second half.
I know we've never ever
scored a goal, ever!
But we have to
because I've made a bet
with the heads
of the football federations
from the other islands
that we could.
And if we don't,
they're going to draw
a lady boobs on my face.
That's some
pretty powerful motivation.
ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKER)
Both teams,
- please return to the field.
- Okay! 45 minutes left!
Let's go, American Samoa!
(TEAM CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(ALL CHEERING)
heads up.
Not all of the goals went in.
So, that's heart and spirit.
Right, Tavita?
Ace, you're a lovely guy,
but you're a terrible coach.
You're sacked.
Okay, cool. That seems fair.
Yeah, take a look.
Count the boobs.
Count them.
Individual boobs or pairs?
I'll save you the trouble.
There's 11 pairs.
- Eleven pairs.
- (WHISTLES)
They drew these
with permanent marker.
You know what permanent means?
Forever!
Aren't you guys sick of losing?
We haven't scored one goal
in the history
of our country trying
to have a soccer team.
Doesn't that strike you as odd?
Mark my words,
things are going to change.
I'm going to get us a new coach.
TEAM: Huh?
New coach.
(SIGHS) Where am I going
to find a new coach?
You have to look off island.
No, that's treason.
Treason is sending
that poor team
to play games they have
no hope of winning.
You have to think
outside the box.
Hmm, well, sometimes the box
is too small to think inside of.
Maybe I will do it.
I've already done it.
I've rung the American
Football Federation
to put an ad up for the job.
Dad, we don't need some Palagi
with his white savior complex
to come teach us
how to play soccer.
Daru!
But there's so many other
great coaches on the island.
- Like who?
- Like Ace.
I sacked him.
He's no good with pressure.
He hates pressure.
You hate pressure,
don't you, Ace?
Yeah, that's true. I hate it.
There's only four weeks to the
World Cup qualifier, Dad.
We should just get a coach
from the island.
- (EXCLAIMS)
- Don't make me
- hit you with this sandal.
- (WHIMPERS)
We are getting a real coach.
That's it!
And don't think
I haven't noticed
those big boobs on your face.
Whose boobs are those?
I don't know, they're drawings.
Drawings of boobs are a gateway
to the real thing.
Be careful, my mister.
(EXHALES)
THOMAS: Look,
I know this season
didn't go as planned.
It's known
as the beautiful game,
but let's face it,
it's a complicated game, guys.
Football, soccer,
as you like to call it,
is like life. You know?
You're riding high in April
and shot down in May.
Um, next season, I think,
we have a real shot.
As long as you, uh, trust me
and allow me
to play the system
that I like to play.
ALEX: Uh, I'm sorry, uh,
Thomas, did nobody tell you?
You're... You're fired.
Did honestly nobody tell you?
- Rhys, did you not...
- RHYS: Yeah, of course, I...
I'm fired? Are you joking?
Are you kidding me?
Obviously, you're in shock,
which is understandable.
And it is only natural
that you go through
the five stages of grief,
which Rhys, I think,
you have a...
RHYS: Yes. Thank you, Alex.
We'll just quickly run this...
Thank you, Chris. There we go.
Yep, too far. Release it.
Now, to... You've lost it.
Settle it there.
Just, yep, there we go.
Thanks, Chris. Spin it round.
- No, you got to flip it.
- ALEX: Flip the...
Yep, there we go.
And spin it round.
Stage one, denial.
This is not happening.
There it is. That's it,
that's classic denial.
Good news is,
you got two options. Rhys?
Option one, that's where
you're currently at.
ALEX: Or...
RHYS: Chris?
Pacific Ocean?
Uh, well, yes. Uh, but, no.
Specifically, American Samoa.
THOMAS: American Samoa?
Are you serious?
Is this a joke?
Gail, do you know about this?
Yes, it was my idea.
Can't believe
you'd do this to me!
- I deserve some respect.
- Oh, boy.
I'm the only one in this room
that knows anything
about this game.
Stage two. Anger.
ALEX: That anger is real.
Was he this angry
when you were married?
He was calmer before.
Thomas, you need to stop
thinking about this
as some kind of punishment.
This could be a chance to heal.
Maybe find a new direction.
ALEX: Oh, Gail!
God, I love that, Gail.
That is so good. Excellent.
I played this game
at the top level.
This isn't fair.
ALEX: Fair?
You want to know about fair?
Oh, here we go.
ALEX: Let me tell you
a story, buddy.
(CLEARS THROAT) When I was
a kid, I had this dog.
And I loved this dog.
But then, he got older.
And I guess he had
some anger issues.
Wasn't the same dog.
My dad said that we needed
to put the dog down.
So, we take him outside,
and this dog, he is whimpering.
We're taking him out.
"Oh, no, this isn't fair.
"Remember how good
I was in the past?"
And my dad made me
take that dog outside
- and drown him in the pond.
- (RHYS SIGHS)
I'm the dog in this story?
No, of course not.
I'm just telling you the story
about my dog
when I was growing up.
And the fact that my dad
was a bit of an assh*le.
Okay, look.
I can change.
I'm flexible, guys.
Let's not make
any rash decisions here.
ALEX: Really,
really good stuff, Thomas.
You are smoking through these.
RHYS: There's only two left.
ALEX: Oh, that's great.
- (SIGHS)
- 'Cause I got to...
- Wow.
- Chris?
We only got one left.
And it's my favorite one of all.
(SIGHS)
(PACIFIC OCEAN
BY SHAFT PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
Mr. Rongen? Mr. Rongen,
hello, Mr. Rongen.
Welcome to American Samoa.
What is this shit?
(CHUCKLES) No naughty words,
pretty please.
This is Who's On The Plane?
American Samoa's top-rated show.
We interview people who travel
to the island on the plane.
Well, I guess what everyone
at home wants to know is
why have you come
halfway across the world
to coach the worst soccer team
in the world?
I have a very particular
set of skills.
Skills I've acquired
over a very long career.
Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.
I've come here to impasse
my knowledge and unique insight
into the beautiful game
and turn this team around.
I'm not God,
but I may as well be.
Because I perform
more miracles than him.
Okay, well,
one thing's for sure.
The new coach
is very friendly and outgoing.
We'll see you next time
for another edition
of Who's On The Plane?
Mr. Thomas Rongen!
(SIGHS) It's very nice
to meet you.
I am Tavita, I'm the President
of the Football Federation
of American Samoa.
And also the cameraman
for Who's On The Plane?
It's a small island.
We all have lots of jobs.
Now, as an honored guest,
we have a very special surprise
waiting outside. Okay?
So, Gus will look after you.
Yeah, you'll love this.
This is so exciting!
Guys! Guys!
Dad, why are we here?
It's all part of my exciting
master surprise plan.
Gentlemen, I am proud
to officially announce
our new official national coach
of the American Samoa
soccer team.
(TEAM MUTTERING EXCITEDLY)
He's played with some of
the top players in the world.
TEAM: Oh.
And, he's originally
from Europe.
TEAM: Oh.
So, let's give him a warm
American Samoan welcome!
ACE: Um, okay, guys, hey...
(TEAM SINGING IN SAMOAN)
Your chariot awaits.
(TEAM VOCALIZING)
Okay, okay.
Yeah, great stuff, guys.
I think he feels really welcome.
We'll see you at training.
Hey. Dad,
how many offshore people
applied for the job?
Oh, the response was incredible!
Yeah? How many
people responded?
TAVITA: Well, there was him.
Yeah, it was just him.
But the fact that he responded,
absolutely incredible.
I really think things
are gonna turn around.
You know, son?
It's like in The Matrix.
I think this man is the Neo.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
TAVITA: Welcome
to American Samoa.
With a population
of 57,534 people,
American Samoa is a United
States territory
like Puerto Rico, but much
smaller and further away.
The two main exports
are NFL players and tuna.
It should not be confused
with the independent nation
of Samoa
with their cocky,
stuck-up people
always bragging about
their 24-hour McDonald's.
- Even though we are both Samoan...
- Hey.
There are two Samoas.
Can you drive faster?
Oh, I would never break
the speed limit.
It's 20 miles per hour
across the whole island.
Interesting fact. The bird
on the flag of American Samoa...
Welcome to your new
accommodation.
Oh, that's your car,
so you can move
around the island at will.
Mmm-hmm.
And now, the pice de rsidence.
Your castle awaits.
Your landlord is Sione.
He lives in the house next door.
And he is available
seven-twenty-four
to address your every need.
Seven-twenty-four?
Seven days out
of every twenty-four.
Well, I'll let you
get settled in.
And I will leave this Welcome
to American Samoa video here
for you to peruse
at your leisure.
The qualifiers are only
four weeks away, Mr. Rongen.
All I want from our team
is just one goal.
One goal.
One goal.
(NAUMATI LAGONA
BY THE FIVE STARS PLAYING)
(CHIMES)
(CHIMES)
(PHONE OPERATOR
SPEAKING SAMOAN)
Hello? Can I use the phone?
REPORTER: (ON TV)
Rongen won the MLS
Coach of the Year award
and coached the US men's
national team.
But his career went mysteriously
off the rails two years ago.
And I think the question
we're all wondering is...
Why have you come halfway
across the world
to coach the worst soccer team
in the world?
REPORTER: Coach Rongen has
- a colorful reputation.
- What, what, what, what?
(BLEEPING)
But the team is hopeful
he can save them
from another
international humiliation.
We caught up with him
as he got off the plane.
Welcome to American Samoa.
What is this (BLEEP)?
Oh, you're from TV.
Famous guy.
Welcome
to the convenience store.
I see you found our conveniently
located libation station.
And conveniently, we're
the local movie rental place.
And the convenient
dreamcatcher outlet.
You guys have a public phone
that I could use?
(BELL TOLLING)
THOMAS: Hello?
Excuse me?
Hello?
What the...
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(THOMAS GASPS)
(GRUNTS, WHIMPERS)
Now, we gonna do the Hollywood.
Ah, and that's where
you grab your leg.
Ah, and it's really sore,
and you fall down. Hollywood.
(EXCLAIMS) Arnold!
(TEAM EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
Get up! Up, up, up!
Oh, nice. Now, we're gonna
practice pointing and blaming
where you point to someone
and just blame them.
SAMSON: Wait, wait, wait.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(TEAM LAUGHS)
Ah. Mr. Rongen. (CHUCKLES)
Nice, little buddy. Okay.
Go into the shop, get me
that bottle we talked about.
Off you go.
Thanks, little buddy.
Run!
Well, gentlemen.
I've been watching you.
And it's safe to say,
you're useless.
You have zero talent, skill
or understanding of the game.
That is why we're gonna work
on two very simple things.
Fitness and discipline.
Cacio and the pepe.
Cheese and pepper.
Simple dish
but when made well, exquisite.
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get into two lines
and we're gonna do sprints.
Down to the goal and back.
Two lines! Suicides!
Cheese and pepper!
Come on, let's go! Go!
Why are we doing this?
Because I want to see
what you're made of.
You're all a bunch
of Daniel-sans.
And I'm Mr. Miyagi.
I want to see how many of you
can make the full 90 minutes.
Let's go! Cacio pepe!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Oh, Jaiyah.
- Hi!
Hi, boys.
Hey, hey, guys!
What's going on?
What were we just
talking about? Discipline.
All right. 200 sit-ups down
at the goal.
- Go!
- (TEAM GROANING)
Go, go, 200!
Hey, coach,
I'm so sorry I'm late.
THOMAS: Oh. Ah, ah.
I just came in from Hawaii.
I'm in middle of, uh, talking
to the squad right now.
So, uh...
You must be team masseuse.
Why don't you, uh,
set up in the...
Oh. No, no, no.
I'm not the team masseuse.
I'm one of the players.
Oh, no, I don't know
where the women's team train,
but it isn't here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Jaiyah's placed in the team.
This team.
She's a woman.
Well, (CHUCKLES) not yet.
What the hell's going on? Ace?
ACE: That's Jaiyah.
She's our center forward.
Jaiyah.
(CHUCKLES) Okay. Good one.
Humor. I get it.
Sure, Jaiyah, go ahead.
Join the squad over there.
Thanks so much, coach.
Joke's on you now.
She's playing.
(CHUCKLING) Very good.
Something not right
about this guy.
Well, he is white. (GRUNTS)
No. Something else.
Let's keep our eye on him.
All right, Ace.
Let's see what they're made of.
Look alive, b*tches!
All right, come on. We're up.
Wow, a ball! Mr. Miyagi is
really shaking things up.
(PLAYERS SHOUTING)
Okay, Ace. Run me
through the team. Who we got?
Okay, uh, that's Smiley.
He's the D'Angelo of soccer.
PLAYER: Hey, Smiley!
Yeah. Oh! And that's Daru.
He's known as the Bad Boy
of soccer.
He's always sliding in
and getting carded. Very bad.
Oh, that is Samson.
What? Because of his hair?
No, Samsung.
He's named after the giant
Korean tech company.
His father's name is Sony.
Oh, and there's Jaiyah,
the Cindy Crawford of soccer.
What's his real name?
- Jaiyah.
- No, registered name.
Oh, it's Johnny. But you never
want to call her that.
Yeah. She's Fa'afafine.
THOMAS: What does that mean?
ACE: It's part of our culture.
They're just one of us.
But different.
But you guys are all cool
with this?
ACE: How can I put this?
It's like
imagine a world without flowers.
Well, Fa'afafine are
our flowers.
Be a pretty dull world
without them.
- Hmm? They're beautiful.
- (CHUCKLES)
And who's that large body
in goal?
ACE: Oh, that's Pisa.
He's not really a goalkeeper.
He's a midfielder,
but he found the gloves
- when Nicky...
- Wait, wait, wait.
Who's that?
That's Jonah. He's the Knight
Rider Car of soccer.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
(WHISTLES)
Bring it in.
Whistle, whistle. Bring it in.
Bring it in, team!
Sit down, sit down.
That was terrible.
You're just pissing around
out there.
You need passion
to play this game.
(SCOFFS) It's embarrassing.
I've every right to put
my foot up all your asses.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, that's funny to you?
Well, yeah.
I mean, it's a funny image.
Sorry.
Just trying to have fun.
Football's fun.
Football's fun.
I'll tell you what's not fun.
Watching you prancing
and parading,
fixing your hair
like My Little Pony.
That's not fun.
Armani.
This young gentleman here
is what I'm talking about.
This is passion personified.
If I had 11 Armani's,
I could conquer the world.
But alas, I only have the one.
I'll take that.
You know what?
I've had it for today.
I'm going to leave Armani
in charge.
He's going to be my eyes
and my ears.
Anything Armani says, you do.
Armani?
What shall we do today?
Everybody, shoulder exercise up.
Up, down, up, down.
Double time.
VOICEMAIL: Welcome
to your voice mailbox.
You have 18 saved messages.
First saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Hey, Dad.
I just saw you called.
Where are you?
Seriously. Like, where
in the world is Thomas Rongen?
Okay, call me back.
(WAVES LAPPING)
(TIN CANS RATTLING)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Old tin cans,
old tin cans!
That's what I'm collecting.
People just throw them away.
They wash up on the shore.
They used to be valuable.
Not so much anymore.
Is she talking to me?
You're feeling alone,
because you are alone.
Like these old metal cans.
This isn't happening.
It's a mirage.
Yes, this is happening.
You're just a skinny
white guy, sitting there
looking out to sea for answers.
But maybe the answers you seek
are right in front of you.
Everybody deserves
a second chance.
Even tin cans.
Not that plastic bottle there, though.
Not that. Not touching that.
Family is what you make it.
Here I come,
the old tin can lady.
- Looking for my tin cans...
- Tin cans.
That's what I do
- all day. Oh!
- TAVITA: Darling!
- RUTH: Oh, Tavita, you idiot!
- Did you speak to him?
Yes, but what was all that
tin can mumbo-jumbo shit
you made me say
and all that "family is what
you make it" crap?
It sounded like
that old lady from The Matrix.
Nah, he's a Palagi.
White people love
all that spiritual stuff.
Can you imagine the world
without yoga?
There'd be all this
unstretchy white people around
- with no ethnic tattoos.
- And no white dreadlocks.
Exactly! They need us.
And I need that coach.
ACE: Hey, guys!
That's great warming-upping.
- Doing really well.
- THOMAS: Ace.
Oh! Mr. Rongen.
- Ace.
- Yeah?
You know, I just had the most
profound conversation.
It was all about tin cans.
Our team, they're like a bunch
of tin cans.
Look at them.
Discarded, crumpled,
sitting in a bunker,
waiting for an apocalypse
that may never come.
But guess what, Ace,
we're gonna give those cans
a purpose.
What's that, boss?
We're going to start
a nuclear w*r.
Gather around, tin cans.
ACE: Come on, tin cans.
THOMAS: We're going
to practice free kicks.
Hustle, double time!
ACE: Double time,
double time, hustle.
The art of taking the free kick
is about distraction.
Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa.
- TEAM: Oh.
And that's how it's done.
ALL: Distraction!
Distraction. Follow my move.
ALL: Hey!
A small game called
the Human Hurdle.
- And jump! And jump!
- (ACE SPEAKING SAMOAN)
You go around.
Cheese and pepper,
cheese and pepper!
The object of the game
is to hit the moving target.
Useless.
ALL: (SINGING) Baa, baa
black sheep
Have you any wool?
Keep the melody, please.
TEAM: (SINGING)
Yes, sir, yes, sir
THOMAS: Everybody wait.
Stop play. Stop play.
Jaiyah, any reason
why you're late?
Everybody else seemed
to turn up on time
for training today.
Why don't you run over there
and do some slaloms.
Off you go. Let's go.
Talk to one another.
Come on! Concentrate.
(9 TO 5
BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYING)
The object is turning speed.
Hustle, hustle.
ACE: Hustle, hustle, bustle.
You know what?
Forget about it.
Forget about it. Hup, hup, hup.
- Guys, head up, head up.
- THOMAS: Get low, get low.
- ACE: Cheese and pepper!
- Get out of the way here.
ACE: Cheese and pepper!
The object is to get the ball
in the net.
Concentrate.
Look where you're sh**ting it.
What the hell!
(PISA EXCLAIMS)
Don't look at me,
look at the ball.
(TEAM WHOOPING)
(TEAM LAUGHING)
THOMAS: Control it, Daru.
What is that? Is that a pass?
One touch. Pass.
One touch. Pass, pass.
Come on.
Jaiyah, focus.
You're controlling
the back line, let's go!
And how would I say,
"You're all useless.
I'm out of here"?
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
Forget it.
Trust.
Trust. Trust, okay. Trust.
(GRUNTS)
That's it, don't touch me.
Trust is broken.
All right.
It's getting serious now.
We're going to play
full 90 minutes with the ball.
Shirts versus bibs.
Three touches only. Go!
- PLAYER: Go, go, go!
- (PLAYERS SHOUTING)
THOMAS: That's it, push up,
push up.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
A little bit of urgency.
Look at him, he's got all
the space in the world.
Jaiyah! Look alive.
Concentrate. Focus, Jaiyah.
What are you waiting for?
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
No, no, no! Squeeze him, Daru.
Stay on your feet, man.
(CHUCKLES)
Jaiyah, what are you doing
over there?
Stop playing with your hair.
What the hell's that?
Come here.
Why are you fixing your hair?
This isn't some
voguing competition.
This is international soccer.
Stop that.
Get your shit together.
(CHUCKLES)
Johnny, come back here
when I'm talking to you.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
My name is not Johnny.
Your registered name is Johnny.
You'll be playing
under the name Johnny.
And that's what I'm going
to be calling you.
So, get used to it, Johnny.
(DEEP VOICE) Call me Johnny,
again, one more time,
and see what happens.
Johnny.
(BOTH GRUNT)
Oh, Jaiyah, no, he's a coach.
Naughty, naughty.
- (GRUNTS)
- Yeah, yeah.
(ACE SPEAKING SAMOAN)
It's okay. I'm all right.
Okay.
Things are getting
pretty intense.
So, it's, uh, time
to take a break, maybe.
Ace, call lunch.
ACE: You heard the man.
Have some lunch.
Cooling down.
Especially, if your name
rhymes with fire.
VOICEMAIL:
Sixth saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Okay, so,
you don't actually know
how phones work
is the vibe I'm getting.
When it makes a noise,
you answer it.
I mean, I know
you're probably working
with the team right now but
maybe stop yelling at them
for a second and call me back.
I'm around.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Hey, celebrity guy!
Saw you on Who's On The Plane,
- coach.
- (EXCLAIMS)
Soccer coach, you got the
toughest job on the island.
These guys are
(CHUCKLES) shocking.
- Shocking. (LAUGHS)
- TAVITA: Ah, coach!
Welcome
to our humble restaurant.
Tavita's Restaurant.
My restaurant.
How many jobs have you got?
Ah, we all have a few jobs.
We have to earn enough money
to keep the team going.
- Garon! Son, Daru.
- What?
Please, escort
our esteemed guest
to our exclusive
al fresco table.
Please. No special treatment.
I'll sit outside.
They look up to you.
They depend on you.
You got to be demanding.
But kind.
JAIYAH: Hello.
Sir.
Something to drink?
Whiskey, beer, wine?
Yeah, we got all those.
Which one?
Whiskey, beer, and wine.
Mr. Rongen.
Please accept this appetizer
of raw fish marinated
in coconut cream.
It's a real classic
of the islands.
And it's on the house.
How are things going?
I can honestly say it's the
worst bunch of players
I've ever come across
in my life.
Oh.
THOMAS: I have very particular
methods.
And unless I get
the support I need,
I just don't think
it's going to work.
We have our own methods too.
Traditions.
It's like with that appetizer.
I'm sure that little fish
didn't think that one day
it would be chopped up,
covered in spring onions,
a little bit of tomato,
yellow pepper,
lemon zest and a dash of chili.
But if you ask anyone
around here,
it's a better fish
because of it.
You may need
to just marinate, too.
See how you feel.
One goal.
One goal.
One goal.
One goal.
One goal.
One goal.
Wow. That's really good.
It's really good!
(SINGING) I want to swing
(CHANDELIER BY SIA
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Yes, I'm going to need
immediate backup.
I'm engaged in a car chase.
- DISPATCH: Wow, really?
- Looks like a Palagi guy,
he's driving like a maniac.
He's maybe doing 35, 36 MPHs.
- DISPATCH: That's fast!
- Also, um, my, uh,
my siren's not working.
DISPATCH: Oh, jeez!
Okay, stay safe, Rambo.
Oh, and can you get some kava
from Uncle Pese on the way home?
Uh, copy that.
Yeah, okay, I love you, Mom.
- I love you too, baby.
- Okay, love you.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(MIMICS SIREN BLARING)
- Shit.
- RAMBO: Yeah,
this is the policeman.
Can you please pull over
to the side? Yes.
(RAMBO MIMICS SIREN BLARING)
You're going to get
out of the car
on the count of three.
Are you ready?
Three.
Thank you.
Okay, you punk rocker.
Oh, hey, it's the guy
from the TV! (CHUCKLES)
That's me.
What seems to be the problem?
Oh, I'll tell you what the...
(COUGHING)
Hey, you okay?
Hey. Let it out, big guy.
I got you.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Oh, thank you.
I'm feeling better now.
Now, listen, normally,
I'd lock you up
and throw away the key.
But right now,
I'm just more angry
at my mango juice can.
You stupid can! (GRUNTS)
Fleetwood Mac!
That's a hell of a right foot
you got there,
Fa'agaloagliga.
Rambo.
Rambo.
Gentlemen, allow me to present
our newest recruit,
Detective Rambo.
We already kicked him out.
He tried to arrest us all.
You were playing
on private property.
Yeah, that property
is my dad's property.
Well, I don't make up
the rules, okay?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Bravo.
You've just fallen for the
oldest trick in the book.
Can't you see?
This is exactly what
they want from us.
- Who?
- THOMAS: Them!
The Imperialists.
Divide and conquer.
But we're not going to let them.
We've worked too long
and hard for this.
You've only been here
a few days.
Rome was built in a day, man.
I think we're doing pretty well.
Now, how about this?
As a team, together,
we climb that mountain.
Who's with me?
No.
SAMSON: Coach,
my ankle is hurting me.
I can't hear you.
Who's with me?
No, no, my mom is expecting me.
Come on, guys!
We're all in this together.
Now, who's going to climb
that mountain
with me as a team?
Are you with me?
Are you with me, my team?
- Yeah, okay, then, yeah.
- All right!
ACE: Okay, let's go. Yes.
PLAYER 1: Go.
THOMAS: Let's go!
PLAYER 2: Yeah.
Now, we're making some progress.
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
- (CLANGING)
Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on?
Don't sit down.
We're not there yet.
We haven't even started.
- Ace, what's going on?
- It's curfew time.
What?
The bell means curfew.
It's time to pray.
The whole island stops.
Same time, every day.
But what am I supposed to do?
I'm not religious.
Pretend?
Okay. I'll pray for you.
THOMAS: When did that
ever work? Tavita!
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
I've got three weeks left
to the qualifiers.
We got a lot of work to do.
So, tomorrow, I'm going
to start with fitness drills
to see how many of them
can last a full 90 minutes.
Ooh. Ah.
Thomas, ah,
we won't be training tomorrow.
- Why not?
- It's Sunday.
- So?
- The team won't train
on a Sunday.
That would be a sin.
Jesus Christ.
Mr. Rongen,
you are very welcome
to join us on Sunday.
It could be a nice experience.
You can see how we worship God.
This is church.
Football is church.
You've got zero commitment.
We're very committed to church.
This place is a carnival
of crap.
DARU: Hey, look at this,
look at this.
This bit, right here.
Right here.
COMMENTATOR:
Off goes the chair.
- Ooh.
- DARU: This guy's been fired
from his last three jobs because
he can't control himself.
PISA: I don't know.
He seems okay, now.
Maybe he's different.
THOMAS: I've coached
11-year-olds
better than your players!
Sure.
I mean, look at this place.
You've got a keyboard
and mouse and no screen!
None of this shit
makes any sense.
You don't even have a full
squad of players out there.
No wonder you're the worst
team in the world.
TAVITA: Mr. Rongen,
you have made your point
and now let me make mine.
Now, we here at FFAS
are honored that you are here.
We want to improve,
we want to learn from you.
But we will not deny
who we are just to win.
These are our customs.
These are our ways.
Your ways are shit.
You're failing.
It's t*rture coaching this team.
Thomas, we were
under the impression
that you wanted to be here.
But if that is the wrong
impression that we are under,
then you are free to go.
Seek your happiness.
Unhappiness is a curse
that I would not wish on anyone.
THOMAS: Okay. I quit.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I told you guys.
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: Hello?
- Can you hear me?
- GAIL: (ON PHONE) Yeah.
So, uh, here's the news.
Fresh off the press. I quit.
- You can't quit.
- I quit.
Today, officially.
- Well, then go un-quit.
- Once you quit,
you got to commit to the quit.
You know this.
It's like this team,
- they don't even want to win.
- (SIGHS)
For them, it's like
some sort of game.
It is a game, Thomas.
It's a sport.
I can't work with these guys.
I can't help them.
Thomas, we didn't send
you there to help them.
We sent you there to help you.
I don't need help.
I'm coming home.
Home, I'm sorry, Thomas,
but where is home now?
Look,
we'll be there in a couple weeks
for the qualifiers, okay?
And we'll get a drink.
- All right?
- (HANGS UP PHONE)
(SIGHS)
(TEAM SINGING IN SAMOAN)
if you could please
let the coach come back
wherever he is,
to help us score that one goal.
Just one.
Not too much to ask, I think,
given we go to church
every Sunday
and give 10 percent
of our income.
But, uh, hey!
All in your time.
Amene.
ALL: Amene.
(TEAM CLAPPING)
that didn't work.
Ace, looks like
you're coaching today.
ACE: Okay, just go for a run
to warm up your bodies, huh?
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Okay, Dad.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
But I was just pissed because...
because you should be here
for this.
They asked me to lead
the team out on Saturday.
Where are you?
- (OBJECTS CLATTER)
- (JAIYAH EXHALES)
Hi, coach.
Hi.
I just wanted to come by
and say sorry
about body slamming you
to the ground
and choking you, and
also, just wanted to say
thank you
for keeping me on the team
so far.
Well, uh, I'd like
to apologize too
for not respecting your name,
Jaiyah.
Here. Peace offering.
- What is it?
- It's from team lunch.
You keep missing out
because you get angry
and run away.
You know, you should eat first.
And, then get angry.
Makes sense.
Will you join me?
Sure.
JAIYAH: College is cool.
And I do some performing
when I'm not studying.
So, do you think you'll come
back to the island
once you finish your degree?
No. There's really not much
on the island for young people.
The job choices come down
to the tuna cannery or the army.
And I don't really like fish
or g*ns.
So, you think you'll stay
in Hawaii then?
Hmm. Maybe.
I mean, there's not
as many fa'afafine there,
so you do get
a bit more prejudice.
So, I hear you're married?
And you have a daughter.
Yeah, but tell me more about
this, um, fa'afafine thing.
What do you want to know?
I mean, what are you down there?
Does it really matter to you?
Well, it matters
to the officials in the game.
Okay, well, right now I'm legal.
But I have been taking
hormones for a while and...
Right now?
Let's just say that eventually,
I technically won't qualify
for the team.
Can we talk soccer?
Yes.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- THOMAS: What am I watching here?
Why is everyone bunched up
like old ladies
gathered at a cake convention?
Well, how are we supposed
to know about formation?
No one taught us, including you.
Fair point.
THOMAS: Look at this guy.
Just standing there
in open space
doing nothing.
Reminds me of you.
That is me.
Oh.
Well, you're a natural born
defender.
Not a forward.
Wait, who is that in goal?
That's Nicky Salapu.
- That's Nicky Salapu?
- Yeah.
The guy that let in
over 30 goals?
Yeah, but he saved another 60.
THOMAS: He looks pretty good.
He's one of the best players
we've ever had.
He's a legend.
A legend of the fallen.
- Shut up.
- You shut up, it's my house.
It's my island.
I don't even know
why we're watching this.
Because most of these players
are retired.
But they only gave up
because everyone else
gave up on them.
But if you came back
to coach us,
I could help you find them.
Because they're still good.
I'll be the judge of that.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, famous guy and Jaiyah!
Thomas Rongen. Nicky Salapu.
THOMAS: Well I'll be
a son of a bitch.
The chickens have come home
to roast.
You're the best goalkeeper
American Samoa ever had.
I let in over 30 goals
at international level.
You're the best goalkeeper
American Samoa ever had.
Isn't there something
about that defeat
that still haunts you?
- That you can't let go of?
- Of course.
I replay that match on Xbox.
American Samoa versus Australia.
But I play alone.
And I get my revenge every day
by beating them 32, nil.
Don't you want revenge
on Australia?
But instead of Australia,
it would be on a bunch
of other Polynesian islands.
Some of them are close
to Australia.
How did you get
this coaching job?
You're terrible at this.
Can you just come back
to the team?
They need work, yeah.
And they need a lot of work,
but I see a bunch of guys
in that team, including her
who all work multiple jobs
just to play.
Who've got more heart
and they're dreaming bigger
than nearly any
of the jaded fools
that mess around
in the pro league
for money they don't deserve.
Don't tell them I said that.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
- Is he interested in playing?
No interest, whatsoever.
Who's next?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
That's called chutzpah, Armani.
And we like it.
Excuse me, Squire?
- Stretch the muscle.
- Ace?
Mr. Rongen!
I thought you'd abandoned us.
Ace, I'd like to apologize.
- Oh.
- But I won't.
- Oh.
- As a rule, I don't apologize.
I'm not apologizing
for that, either. So, sorry.
Daru? Daru, Daru.
Look, I know you don't like me.
I don't like me.
But we need to work together.
This formation is known
as the Sad Snowman.
This player, interchangeable
with this player.
This can cross here,
switch it around,
works this way too.
So, who we got next?
(EVERYBODY WANTS TO
RULE THE WORLD PLAYING)
We got another one.
Nice one, Armani.
ALL: Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.
THOMAS: We've also got
the three pigs.
The wolf is coming
all the way back here.
He's going to blow
your house down.
This is where we want to go.
All roads lead to Rome.
What is this shit?
f*cking Sharpie.
Get me another board.
Think of it like a fish.
On its own, slimy, smelly,
tasteless somewhat.
But add some coconut cream,
lemon zest, chili,
let that sucker marinate.
Now you've got
something special.
Allow yourself to marinate.
You'll be a better fish for it.
Thank you, coach.
- (PLAYERS GROAN)
- THOMAS: Ice is your friend.
It will help those muscles.
Oh, got you in the nads there.
Just another 25 minutes.
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
Three, four.
And then, other side.
Way off! Miss.
- He finds it.
- (ALL CHEERING)
Get up. Not at the top yet.
Keep going.
I know it's hard,
but if we can do this
as a team, we have a chance.
THOMAS:
We've got defense sorted.
- But our midfield...
- Mm-hmm.
THOMAS: All right, my man.
- All right.
- There you go.
Thank you, coach.
- See you Monday?
- For sure.
- I won't let you down, coach.
- Amazing.
Excellent.
(TIRES SCREECH)
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So, who's next?
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
Nice, Daru. Good energy.
Good energy. Good, good, good.
Hop, hop, hop. Bunny rabbit.
Push, push, push.
THOMAS: Good.
Control that back line.
That's it, Jaiyah, leadership.
That's what I'm talking about.
Pel, Maradona, Rongen. Whoo!
ALL: Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.
Look, right here. Maldini.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(TEAM CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(ALL CHEERING)
Keep it up, keep it up.
Keep going, keep going.
I know it's hard,
but keep going.
I know you can make it
to the top.
Come on, guys,
keep going, keep going.
Don't stop, don't stop.
- (TEAM CHATTERING)
- (THOMAS GROANING)
(APPLAUSE)
(THOMAS INHALES DEEPLY)
Oh, God!
Oh, God. It's beautiful.
(PANTING)
DARU: You okay, coach?
It's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
It looked so easy
from the bottom.
Can't breathe.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
This spot here, this place,
tells of how your brave brothers
fought to protect American Samoa
and the rest of the world
against evil.
Well, tomorrow, we set off
for the greatest w*r
of them all!
The w*r for World Cup
qualification.
TEAM: Yeah!
(TEAM CHEERING)
THOMAS: Oh, my God,
the air is thin up here.
In two days' time,
we face our first enemy, Tonga.
Screw those guys!
(TEAM AGREEING)
There have been so many wars
against those assholes.
But the w*r of 1825,
where they came to take...
they came to take our tuna.
But we handed their asses
to them in a giant tuna can.
(TEAM MUTTERS IN CONFUSION)
Where am I?
TAVITA: Uh, Mr. Rongen,
are you feeling all right?
What was that?
I still have to pack.
I always leave packing
to the last minute.
It's so weird.
(ALL CHATTERING)
ACE: Healing waters.
Yeah, take him down.
Yeah. It's all right, coach.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
PRIEST: And so,
we turn to Matthew 17
when a man says to lesu,
"Lord, have mercy on my son.
"For he is a lunatic
"and is very ill.
"For he often falls
into the fire
"and often into the water.
"Very clumsy, my boy."
And lesu said,
"Bring him here to me."
Good old lesu.
And lesu rebuked him.
And the demon came out of him.
And the boy was cured at once.
(ALL CHEERING)
- (PLAYER LAUGHS)
- PRIEST: What a beautiful day.
We give thanks
for the beauties outside,
all the blessings.
And, uh, before we get further
into the proceedings,
a little housekeeping.
Someone was seen rifling around
in, uh, one
of the dumpsters outside
Sione Malacoco's
Fish and Chip Shop.
Fess up, who was that?
Trying to get
some leftover scraps.
We don't do that.
Okay? Now, what a day.
Our wonderful team
are going across the seas
to do the impossible.
To go and win a game of soccer.
Wow!
Wowie!
Some would say that
the other teams are too big.
Well, you know
what I say to them?
Read the Bible.
Have you ever heard
of a little guy called David
fighting against a big guy
called the Goliath?
(SHOUTING IN VIDEOGAME)
That is a cautionary tale.
Don't mess with the little guy.
And what we have here
is a whole bunch
of little guys, don't we?
Little guys,
who probably can't do it.
Going off across the seas
to fight a whole lot
of Goliaths.
So, go, my little Davids.
Let's take it to Mr. Goliath
out there.
And let's get one
for American Samoa.
Okay.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(CONGREGATION MEMBER COUGHS)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
So, off they go.
The American Samoan soccer team
hoping not to embarrass
the nation any further.
Cut. That was really good,
Gus. (GRUNTS)
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Go, go, go, go!
Tavita, let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on, move it!
Let's get this bird in the air!
Wowie, that was some journey!
Yeah, I think I got
the jet lags. I need a nap.
Guys, it was only
a 35 minute flight.
Hey, guys!
We've officially crossed
the date line.
It's now yesterday.
- (PLAYERS EXCLAIM)
- PLAYER 1: Time travel!
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Look how fast
these crazies are going.
You know, someone's going
to get k*lled.
Slow down. Heaven's full.
(PLAYER 2 WHISTLES)
DARU: Yo, some pretty sweet
digs.
Okay, boys.
Good, you're settling in.
Now, I just have one note here.
- Shh.
- The player reception is
at 5:30 in the PM time.
And it's compulsory feetwear.
So, wear something
on your feet, please.
Like a slippers. Or a sandal.
Okay, yeah.
- (PLAYER 3 GRUNTING)
- Thanks.
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
- Tonga, Tonga.
- (PLAYERS MUTTERING)
(PLAYERS MAKING
KISSING SOUNDS)
(HISSING AND KISSING SOUNDS
STOPS)
Nice of you guys to show up.
That's very kind. Thank you.
It was an insult!
Oh, I should've known you were
going to put a twist on it.
So, this is the competition.
Nothing to worry about.
No. Things have changed.
We got a new coach.
Your coach is shit.
He's a failure.
He's just like you.
Obviously, you're trying
to get under our skin.
But American Samoan skin
is impenetrable. Okay?
Unless you got a sharp object
like, um, scissors, um,
screwdriver, needle.
Anything that kind of comes
down to a really sharp point.
(SCOFFS)
- See you at the party.
- (TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
Don't forget to bring
your mascot. (CHUCKLES)
(PLAYERS MAKING
KISSING SOUNDS)
(TONGAN PLAYERS
SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
- "See you at the party later."
- "See you at the party later."
"See you at the party later."
(CHUCKLES)
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh, the glitz, the glamour,
the little flowers on the table!
Thomas, isn't this wonderful?
Look, it's a veritable
who's that of world soccer.
Let's get out of here, T.
Hit the beach.
Six pack. This isn't us.
We just got here.
The night's still young.
- Oh, shit.
- MEN: Hey!
- There he is. There he is.
- T! T! (CHUCKLES)
KEITH: Good day, mate.
ANGUS: Fancy seeing you here.
- What's happening?
- Hey! Hey!
- Hi. All right.
- Hi.
- What's going on, huh?
- Angus.
Hey!
Hey, give him a bumming.
Give him a bumming.
- Oh, yeah. Bumming!
- Please.
- That's enough! That's enough!
- There you go. Right-oh.
Settle down, mate.
It's good to see you.
Tavita, this is, uh,
Angus, Keith. Socceroos.
Oh, the Socceroos,
our arch nemesises.
Hey? What are you...?
ANGUS AND KEITH: Oh!
American Samoa. (CHUCKLES)
- We played in that game.
- We played in that game.
Yeah, show him your tattoo.
Tattoo!
Show him the tattoo,
show him the tattoo.
- Wait, wait.
- He doesn't show
- anyone this.
- Let me show you the tattoo.
ANGUS AND KEITH: Oh!
- (SINGING) 31, 31
- (SINGING) 31, 31, 31
Ah, mate, we've moved on.
Put it away.
No, we haven't.
It's part of our heritage.
- I'm putting it away.
- So, hey?
Coaching American Samoa.
Took the job that nobody wanted.
- He hasn't even been...
- Right! Good on ya.
- Fired yet.
- Hey, no, but seriously,
how they going?
You having a few wins?
KEITH: Yeah.
We're, you know, we're...
ANGUS: Oi! A-Train.
- Toot toot! (CHUCKLES)
- KEITH: A-Train!
- Hi.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
Oh. Oh.
- You look good.
- I missed you.
You look good.
ALEX: Hey, there he is.
- Hey.
- Alex. Hey.
- You're looking kind of tired.
- Yes, I was going to say
he's looking pretty tired,
isn't he?
- Jet lag.
- Thank you.
Um, Tavita, I'd like
to introduce you
to Gail, my wife.
- Separated.
- Oh.
And this is Alex. Uh, my boss
and Gail's manfriend.
Mr. Alex, on behalf of FFAS,
we just want to thank you
for sending us this super coach.
He's really turned things
around.
Great. Hey, can I talk to you
real quick outside?
- Sure.
- He wants to have a word
with you outside.
It won't take a second.
(PLAYERS SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(TONGAN PLAYERS LAUGHING)
Jaiyah!
- Jaiyah!
- (TONGAN PLAYERS LAUGH)
(EXHALES) Man. I got to say,
really proud of you.
We never thought
you'd make it. Congrats.
Thanks, Alex. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
I'm so proud of what
we've done here.
Yeah. That's great.
Not that it really matters
anymore.
What do you mean?
Don't worry about it.
It's just...
You have shown real improvement
and that's what matters.
I'm going to find you
a real job after this.
Alex, what are you saying?
Look, Thomas,
I once had this dog.
- I know about the dog.
- No, this is a different dog.
You don't know this dog.
This dog was, uh,
this dog was never any good.
He was slow and he couldn't run,
and he never caught a stick
or did anything
and so, the kindest thing
to do was to put him down.
So, we k*lled him. Shot him.
The team is the dog?
Yeah, of course, the team
is the dog. It's a metaphor.
How many dogs
do you think I've k*lled?
Look, the herd is only as fast
as its slowest animal.
That's like circle-of-life shit.
Well, I believe
we can score a goal.
A goal?
Who gives a shit about a goal?
What if we win the match?
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
I don't think they have a word
in their language for win.
Look, man. Soccer is not
in their DNA. They're weak.
No, Alex. They are not weak.
Some of the sacrifices
these players have made,
I mean, I'm talking about
life-altering sacrifices.
Look, I wish there was
something I could say
that would magically make you
feel better about this. Oh...
Hakuna matata.
(DRUMS PLAYING
IN THE DISTANCE)
(PLAYERS SINGING IN SAMOAN)
COACH D'AMATO: (ON TV)
The biggest battle
of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Now, either
we heal as a team
- or we're going to crumble...
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
inch by inch, play by play,
till we're finished.
We're in hell right now.
We can stay here, get the shit
kicked out of us...
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Nightcap?
- Sure.
- Let's go.
- We can fight our way back...
- Oh, right.
- Into the light.
We can climb out of hell...
THOMAS: You know,
I think island life
has had a real effect on me.
I feel like a new man.
Kind of Zen.
You seem the same.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you happy?
I feel terrific.
Tomorrow, we're going
to lose the match.
- Oh, come on.
- And get kicked out
- of International Football.
- You don't really think that.
Pretty much the end
of my career.
You're the best.
I'm a laughingstock.
You're a real buzzkill.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is fun.
This is fun.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
I love you.
You define love as wanting
to be wanted.
You just don't want to be alone.
Yeah?
That's the definition of love.
I'll always have a broken heart,
but I'm moving.
Trying to move on.
It's been two years
and I don't think
you're even talking about it.
What's there to talk about?
All right, let's not talk then.
Come on, old man.
Oh, God.
Are we doing this? Really?
- GAIL: Come on.
- Okay.
GAIL: I bet you can't get it.
THOMAS: Well, you're supposed
to put it on the ground.
- (GAIL CHUCKLES)
- It's called football.
Hey!
GAIL: (CHUCKLES)
Don't tell me what to do.
TAVITA: You have a very fascinating
family dynamic, Thomas.
You know,
I saw this German film.
And they seemed to have
a similar arrangement.
You know, there was this
one woman and all these guys.
I couldn't figure out
which one was married to her
because they were
all acting like they were
- married to her.
- ACE: Lovely jogging.
Best one I've seen yet.
DARU: Hey, it's Nicky!
Oh, Christmas has come early.
It's Nicky Salapu!
- Nicky Salapu!
- Nicky!
- (NICKY CHUCKLES)
- (PLAYERS EXCLAIMING)
Where did he come from?
Nicky Salapu.
- THOMAS: Okay, okay.
- Yes!
THOMAS: Guys, come on,
come on. Leave him alone.
- Let's go, let's go.
- ACE: Come on,
- do your stretching.
- Let's get some breakfast,
- and, uh, hydrate.
- That way.
In that order.
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
You made it.
I guess, uh, my speech
actually had some effect?
Well, no.
Actually, I did some research
on you, and it
turns out you're a bigger
loser than I am.
Yeah, I mean, you've failed
so many times or been fired.
It actually makes me feel
better about being
the worst goalkeeper
in the world.
Oh.
(LIPS TRILLING)
(TONGAN PLAYERS SHOUTING)
(PLAYERS MAKING
KISSING SOUNDS)
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
(KISSING SOUNDS
AND HISSING STOPS)
American Samoa,
in a few hours we will see you
on the field with Tonga!
- Tonga!
- TONGAN TEAM: Tonga!
Tonga, in a few hours,
you meet American Samoa
on the field.
Also.
(TONGAN TEAM LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING STOPS)
Tonga! Move it out!
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
(PLAYERS MAKING
KISSING SOUNDS, STOPS)
All right, guys.
They're scared.
(PLAYERS AGREEING)
COMMENTATOR: Welcome to
today's World Cup
qualifying match between Tonga
and American Samoa.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Here's your seat, darling.
Here's your seat.
- Hi, fellas.
- Alligator! How are ya?
(THOMAS CLEARS THROAT)
Don't know what to say, really.
A few minutes
to the biggest battle
of our professional lives.
All comes down to today.
Now, either we heal as a team.
Or we're going to crumble,
inch by inch,
play by play,
till we're finished.
Hang on. That's the Any Given
Sunday speech.
(PLAYERS AGREEING)
No, Daru.
So, I'd like you to see
this space as a safe space
where you can share
your stories,
your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
So, please. Anyone.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
It's me, Smiley.
PLAYER: Hey, Smiley.
Um, it's funny you guys
call me Smiley.
I don't really smile much
outside of this place.
As some of you may know,
I had a pretty rough year
this past year
after both my parents
got arrested for...
Let's go, guys, time to play.
Another time, Smiley.
Okay, guys,
we've done the hard work.
Let's do this!
Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where's Jaiyah?
- (TEAM CHATTERING)
- Jaiyah, where is she?
Where's Jaiyah?
(SNIFFLING)
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(JAIYAH GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
Jaiyah! What's going on?
(SIGHS) Go away, coach.
- What's wrong?
- I just... (SOBS)
You know what? Pregame nerves.
Totally normal.
Pregame nerves.
Everybody gets them.
Hey, hey, hey,
come on, come on.
Oi, hey, hey.
- (SOBBING)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is it? Hey, talk to me.
I went off my hormones.
I went off my hormones
so I could perform better.
For you and for the boys.
And now I don't feel
like myself.
I feel ugly.
And everyone knows it. And...
I feel crazy.
And I can't do this, coach,
I can't.
- Hey, hey?
- (SNIFFLING)
Look at me. Keep your head up,
keep your head up.
Come on, keep your head up.
Be proud.
You inspire those players
in there.
I can't inspire them.
I need your help.
They're not going to follow me.
But they will follow you.
Will you do me a favor,
and lead them out
onto the pitch?
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah?
Come on. Up you get.
Let's get you ready.
Okay, right.
Let's fix your hair, here.
Yeah. That's nice.
- Yeah, that looks terrible.
- It's kind of nice.
It's the way I used
to do my daughter's hair.
- She liked it.
- (CHUCKLES)
Well, she was
probably lying to you.
Very possible.
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
Okay.
I'll see you out there.
(SIGHS)
- (DRUMS PLAYING)
- (SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(TEAM EXCLAIMS)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(TONGAN TEAM CHANTING
IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
I got these made up for us.
For you and me.
- The two Miyagis.
- Yeah. Two Miyagis.
CASHIER: Shh, shh, shh!
Hey, hey, hey. (SPEAKS SAMOAN)
it's starting. Shh.
I'm embarrassed already.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(PLAYER 1 EXCLAIMS)
MAN: Let's go, boys.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: Excellent.
Yes, Jaiyah.
Open it, give him some space.
(THOMAS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- ACE: Go, Jonah!
- Hit it!
- Go, Jonah!
- THOMAS: Kick it!
(GROANS)
This close. It was this close.
Here we go again.
Watch, watch, watch.
I got him! I got him!
RUTH: Go, Daru!
THOMAS: Daru,
stay on your feet!
Stay on your feet!
- Hold that back line.
- ACE: Yeah.
Squeeze him, Jaiyah!
Don't let him roll you.
Come out, Nicky!
Come on, Nicky, you can do it!
- (GRUNTS)
- THOMAS: Good, good.
That's it.
Jaiyah! Don't let him
roll you like that.
It's okay.
Guys, guys! Go, go, go!
Pass it off! Pass it off!
Find the player.
Come on, Samson.
ACE: Samson!
THOMAS: Hunt him down.
First try, Jonah. First try!
(GROANS)
Not your day, mate.
Shut up!
Don't get fired, mate.
Get back, back, back! Back!
Come on, come on, come on.
Beat him to it.
- (TONGAN PLAYER GRUNTS)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- THOMAS: Daru, what was that?
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Come on!
- THOMAS: Bring it in!
Bring it in. Come on.
Rambo, switch with Vegas.
Daru, be careful.
- Nicole, I need you to...
- Nicole?
Jaiyah, I need you to control
that back line.
You have to communicate!
Now, I made you captain.
Now own it. Let's go!
- Okay, coach.
- Come on, team!
Let's go, team!
Let's go, team!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Keep going.
Go. Pass, pass. Pass.
(SPECTATORS GROAN)
Pass it. Support him.
What the...
- REFEREE: Coach.
- Okay.
Shit!
(CHUCKLES)
Jaiyah, hold that back line!
Where are you going?
(PLAYERS SHOUTING)
Ah! Shit.
SPECTATOR: Let's go, Rambo.
Come on.
(GROANS)
(DARU GRUNTS)
- (SPECTATORS EXCLAIM)
- (NICKY GRUNTS)
(CHEERING)
COMMENTATOR: Goal!
SPECTATORS: No!
Oh, shit! f*ck!
(ALL GROANING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COMMENTATOR:
And that's halftime.
Tonga takes a one nil lead
into the half.
(THOMAS GRUNTS)
(TEAM CHATTERING)
(YELLING) Shut up!
Sit down!
What the hell is
going on out there?
What about all the training?
This is bullshit.
I would've k*lled
to play international soccer.
But you losers don't seem
to give two shits.
You're losers!
JONAH: I'm sorry, coach.
We're just not feeling it.
(MOCKINGLY) "Sorry, coach.
I'm just not feeling it."
What does that mean,
"not feeling it"? Nothing!
It does mean something, Thomas.
Feeling is very important to us.
It's not that we've forgotten
what you have taught us.
It's... it's just that we've
taken too much to heart.
It's too tense.
We keep thinking we might win.
We've never fought
like that before.
Well, don't worry. Because
that's not gonna happen
the way you're playing.
Trust me.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
Yeah. Ah, Samson says
the guys are really
stressed out.
And stress is a silent k*ller.
It's like when the Predator...
THOMAS: Really?
ACE: Yeah.
Great. Perfect. I give up.
Sick of this shit.
Good luck.
Mr. Rongen? Mr. Rongen.
What? What do you want
from me, Tavita?
Look, I like you.
But I'm done.
I got to get off this island.
And you're not going
to change my mind
with any stories
of marinated fish.
I'm not here to talk
about marinated fish.
But I want you to be happy.
I'm not happy.
I'm not a happy person.
And I hate to break it to you,
but you're not going
to get your "one goal."
That's all right.
I'm kind of used to that
by now, Mr. Rongen.
It's not my fault, man.
I tried.
- I know, I know.
- They don't listen to me.
- I know.
- It's over!
- They're shutting you down.
- Oh. That I did not know.
(SIGHS) That will be why
Mr. Alex is here.
(TAVITA SIGHS)
Oh, well.
On the bright side,
I got to go
on a tropical island getaway.
Take in the sights
with my friend, Thomas.
What is it with you?
Why are you always so positive?
It's sickening.
You should coach them.
They believe in you.
They believe in you.
But you have to show them
who you are.
They don't know you.
You don't talk to them.
Ever since you got
to our island,
you've been somewhere else.
Even now, you're somewhere else.
Maybe it's in the past,
because you thought
you were happier then.
But I think you could
be happy here, now.
But you actually have
to be here, now.
I can't win.
Then lose.
But don't lose alone.
Lose with us.
And there's always
the second half.
That's another chance.
Second halves everywhere.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(TEAM CHATTERING)
THOMAS: Right. Get rid of it.
This is all nonsense.
(THOMAS GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
Mmm. Okay.
Shouldn't have, uh,
called you losers.
Um, it's not true. You're not.
I'm the loser.
So, (CLEARS THROAT)
two years ago,
I lost my daughter
in a car accident.
Her name was Nicole.
And that's her hat.
She was the greatest, you know.
She was, um, bright and funny,
and, uh,
she loved soccer.
She loved it.
We used to sit up
and talk about the game.
Most nights.
And then, uh,
one day, she was
on her way to practice
and she lost control
and crashed.
That was it.
She was gone.
I lost my baby.
(SNIFFLES) Sorry. Okay.
I guess, I got pretty angry
at the world
but mainly, I was angry
at myself. Maybe...
if I took her to practice,
she'd still be here.
(EXHALES) Maybe if I was there
for her a bit more.
A lot of maybes.
Why'd I take this job?
For the challenge? No.
I couldn't give two shits
about turning this team around.
I was, uh, forced to take it.
It was the only job I could get.
And I didn't want it, guys.
You know, I thought
I was better than you.
And fact of the matter is,
you don't need me at all.
You're already perfect.
So basically, my advice
to you would be,
"Don't listen to me."
Go out there and do what you do.
Or don't do it.
Whatever. You know?
You've reminded me
that I've always loved playing
more than winning.
So, enjoy this match.
I mean, life's short.
Football's a game.
I just want you all to be happy.
But we want to win, coach.
Then be happy.
(SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(SNIFFLES)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
nice pep talk.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
Hey, Chief,
got any spare chicken, there?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: No pressure.
Enjoy yourselves.
It's just a game.
(PLAYER 2 SPEAKING SAMOAN)
Life is good.
ACE: Yes, Jaiyah. Yeah.
Oh, good kicking!
Push up, push up, push up.
THOMAS: Look for it.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
- COMMENTATOR: Goal!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
We scored a goal!
We scored a goal!
We actually scored a goal!
(GROANS)
(ALL CHEERING)
That's my boy! That's my boy!
COMMENTATOR: This is the first
goal ever for American Samoa.
Let's go, Samoa!
My baby!
Rambo did it, you guys.
COMMENTATOR: What a match!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow!
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoa, no, no, no. Whoa.
Somebody!
Darling! Darling!
Oh, no!
- Help!
- Somebody.
I need medical assistance
over in section...
Hey, Ma. Dad. Dad. Wake up.
Dad, it's me. Dad?
RUTH: No, no, no. Okay, okay.
DARU: Hey, hey.
Calm down. Calm down.
- What happened?
- (TAVITA SIGHS)
They said I suffered
a massive stroke.
Heat stroke.
Yeah, a massive heat stroke.
It was awful, son.
Scary for everyone involved.
But in time, maybe even an hour,
I think I'll be up
on my feet again.
Okay, you're going to be okay.
How much did we lose by?
10-one?
- What was the final score?
- Calm down, Dad. Okay?
- Breathe in. (INHALES) Out.
- (INHALES, EXHALES)
- I'm ready, I'm ready, okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, okay. Calm down.
- Tell me what happened.
- Calm down. You calm?
TAVITA: Okay. Yeah. Go.
Now I'm going to tell you
what happened.
- Tell me what happened.
- All right.
DARU: Possession kept going
back and forth.
And things were tense.
Because we knew the whole
country was watching.
And that people would talk
about this day
for years to come.
And then Tonga broke
with the ball.
- I got him!
- It was a one-on-one
between me and Alishe and I
thought I could take the ball.
But if I dived in and missed,
there was going
to be a certain goal.
But it was different.
I felt different.
I stood up
and I tackled him.
- (TONGAN PLAYER GRUNTS)
- (SPECTATORS CHEER)
Suddenly, we're on the attack.
I played the ball up to Vegas.
He saw the keeper
out of position and
he shot with his almighty power.
But the keeper
saved and scrambled it
behind for a corner.
Yes! This is it, this is it.
Jaiyah!
Get up.
DARU: In the box there was
a lot of tussling,
and things were getting serious.
Deph took the corner.
It was a right-footed
in-swinger.
It looked like Tonga
would clear.
But then...
Jaiyah.
Goal.
Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- (JAIYAH LAUGHING)
That's what
I'm talking about, boy.
Goal!
COMMENTATOR: And another
historic goal!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Unbelievable!
American Samoa...
Yes!
COMMENTATOR: the
last-ranked team in the world,
might actually win this thing!
- We scored?
- Yeah.
- A goal? An actual goal?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Another one?
- Okay.
- Did you hear that? Two!
Everything was going great.
With only 30 seconds left
on the clock.
We were winning.
But then the referee decided
to add
five minutes to the game.
- What a disgrace.
- Yeah.
TAVITA: Then what happened?
DARU: The match
was almost over.
We were holding up
under the pressure.
(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)
TONGAN PLAYER: Got it!
Stop, thief!
You can only get away
with one of those a game.
The ball was passed wide
and the Tonga winger
sent over a great cross.
Nicky was catching these
all day,
but under the pressure...
(NICKY GRUNTS)
he fumbled it.
It hit his hand and it was
rolling towards the goal.
- Oh, shit.
- DARU: Then,
out of nowhere
came Jaiyah.
She slid in at the last minute
and hooked
the ball off the line,
saving a certain goal.
Yes, Jaiyah! Yes!
But then,
the ball fell to Alishe
and he wasn't going to miss.
I didn't have any option.
As he drew back to sh**t,
I dived in.
(DARU GRUNTS)
Clear penalty.
It was my fault.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Hit him, darling.
- You idiot!
- Then what happened?
Nicky Salapu had to
face the penalty by himself.
- Oh, Jesus, it gets worse.
- RUTH: Oh, God.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
"I had been catching these
all day.
"It was my time."
ACE: Everything was
on the line.
Oh, the pressure!
- Yeah. He was under pressure.
- Oh, pressure.
- Absolutely. Pressure.
- Oh! Pressure cooker.
THOMAS: Come on, Nicky.
PLAYER 3: Go, Nicky.
THOMAS: Let's go, Nicky!
PLAYER 3: Let's go!
- Let's go, Nicky.
- TAVITA: Don't tell me
Nicky Salapu had a meltdown
in goal?
The horror of those
31 goals against
Australia 10 years ago
came back and haunted him.
(GROANS)
I suppose he lost his composure
and just stepped aside
and let the ball go in.
Damn everyone watching!
Is that what happened?
He probably was
freaking out a bit.
"But I wasn't freaking out."
ACE: Nicky wasn't freaking out
because he knew
he had the history
of a thousand chiefs
holding him up.
But he just had to
let go of everything.
"The past."
ACE: The present.
NICKY: "The future.
"But I had to let it go.
(EXHALES)
"All of it."
He just had to become Nicky.
I'm Nicky Salapu. Say it.
I'm Nicky Salapu.
(TENSE CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
- (CHEERS)
- (ALL CHEERING)
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
DARU: The whistle blew.
For a second, we didn't know
what was going on.
We never felt like this before.
Until we'd realized...
COMMENTATOR: With a final
score of two-to-one,
American Samoa...
We win! We won!
We won! We won!
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah!
COMMENTATOR: American Samoa
wins its
first match ever!
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
ALEX: We did this!
All right! (CHUCKLES)
(THOMAS CHUCKLES)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
- We won?
- We won?
- We won. You won a game, Dad.
- What?
- Yes, Jesus, we won!
- Oh, we won!
- Yes!
- (DARU CHUCKLES)
- I always knew it.
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh, son, I knew you could do it.
- Oh, my heart, my heart!
- Okay.
One goal! One goal!
- (WAVES LAPPING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
VOICEMAIL: Last saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Okay, seriously,
get Mom to show you
how to check your messages.
Although, I guess
if you're hearing this,
you've figured it out.
Anyway, to answer your question,
school is good.
It's great, actually.
I genuinely like all my classes.
Intro to Psych is really cool,
and so is Anthro.
That professor is just awesome.
And everyone's happy to be here.
I've met so many new people.
And there's just
so much to talk about.
I mean, it's like
anything's possible, you know?
I don't know.
I guess I'm just saying
there's more to life
than soccer.
Okay. Love you.
(THOMAS BREATHING HEAVILY)
(BELL TOLLING)
(ALL SINGING IN SAMOAN)
What more can I say?
Nothing, really.
I had a dream and it came true.
We scored a goal.
And then we scored another goal.
And then we won a game!
And then, we lost the next game.
And we didn't qualify
for the World Cup.
But you know what, Lord?
Despite that loss,
I'm happy.
So, thank you
for sending us Mr. Rongen.
We've become
quite attached to him.
It's like finding a little
lost white kid at the mall
and telling him which way to go.
Thank you, Lord. Amen.
ALL: Amen.
THOMAS: Dear Lord.
I'm praying as a weird way
of letting the team know that
I've been offered a job
with MLS side, LA Galaxy
starting immediately.
(GROUP MURMURING)
But as of today, I've decided
not to take the job. Amen.
GROUP: Amen.
TAVITA: Wow, Lord, that is
a huge gesture and
a real credit to us as a team.
Uh, well, Lord, the thing is
I'm still leaving.
(GROUP MURMURING)
But not for football, Lord.
I want some time for me.
Uh, you know,
so I can remind myself
that there's other
more important things
to life than this game. Amen.
GROUP: Amen.
TAVITA: Dear Lord.
Way to get our hopes up, jeez!
It's a real rollercoaster
ride, this one.
Oh, well, in that case,
please tell Mr. Rongen that
we love him very much.
And that he will always have
a home here in American Samoa.
- (TAVITA SPEAKING SAMOAN)
- (GROUP SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(ALL SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(SOFT SENTIMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROUP CHANTING INDISTINCTLY)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
to get your asses kicked
by Tonga?
Go! Pressure! Fighter!
Ay-ay-ay, Daru.
Yes, yes.
(SU'GA EA BY
THA FEELSTYLE PLAYING)
(CLUCKING)
Good job.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
THOMAS: Come on, Jaiyah, go!
Push, push, push, push!
Just want to say,
I love you guys.
No matter how different I am.
And how different we all are.
(ALL CHEERING)
(GENTLE ELECTRONIC
MUSIC PLAYING)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
PRIEST: And so ends
our tale of woe.
I guess it just goes to show,
no matter what happens to you,
when the going gets rough,
when the chips are down,
when you feel like
you can't carry on,
when you feel
like there's no hope
or you just can't do it,
anything can happen
and a whole lot of miracles
when you just have
a little bit of faith.
Ah, shit!
Next Goal Wins (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3