04x19 - The Competitive Edge

[bunniefuu]

This is not
a sex club!

We consult only
in the areas of diet,
and exercise.

Once a day
is the Alphian Way.

Welcome to
Cleon County Asylum.

I'm going to allow you to join
the general population.

I'm Jim Rockford.
I'm a private investigator...

I sure don't want
to hang around here
for the Christmas party.

Look out, look out!

[PHONE RINGING]

ROCKFORD
ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
This is Jim Rockford.

At the tone, leave your name
and message.

I'll get back to you.

[BEEPS]

BECKER: Okay, Jimbo. Dennis.
I know you're in there,

and I know you know
it's ticket season again.

Policeman's Ball and all that.

So come to the door
when I knock this time.

I know you're in there.

Sorry it took so long
to find you, Mr. Brauder.

You know, Sheriff,
you people have denied
my client his rights,

and a battery of
my finest attorneys

are going to see
that restitution
is made.

Who are you?
Jim Rockford.

Where's Marty Sloan?
They told me
my lawyer was here.

Probably still trying
to find you.

I never would've
if I didn't have a friend
in the department.

They lost your folder.
On purpose, I think.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Are you a bondsman?
No, I'm a private
investigator.

The only way I could see you
before regular visiting hours

was by pretending
to be your lawyer.

Your wife hired me
to find you.
Thank God,
someone did something.

I couldn't take much more.

No place to sleep
but the floor,

had to fight
just to keep my shoes.

It's a long way
from Brentwood.

Now that I found you
I'll contact your lawyer.
He can arrange bail.

I've got to meet with him
right away.

You don't know how much
I appreciate what you've done.

Do me a favor and tell Joyce
everything's okay.

And tell her
I'll be home for dinner.

Okay.

[PHONE RINGING]

JOYCE: Mr. Rockford?
Yeah.

This is Joyce Brauder.

I've been waiting and waiting,
but Barry still hasn't
come home.

Did you try
calling his lawyer?

Yes. Mr. Sloan says they met
after Barry got out of jail,

then he let him off at his car
at the bank around 5:30,

and he hasn't seen him since.

I've called the hospitals,
and nothing. I don't know
what else to do.

Put on a pot of coffee.

JOYCE: Thank you
so much for coming.

I'm sorry I woke
you up so early.

Right after I spoke to you,
the police called.

They said
Barry's car was found
abandoned at the airport.

Abandoned?

It was parked
in front of a terminal.
They towed it away.

No one came to claim it.

I don't even believe
this whole thing
is happening.

I mean, if Barry stole
a half a million dollars
from our bank,

don't you think
he'd tell me about it?

They must have some kind
of case or the grand jury
wouldn't have indicted him.

Did he tell you he did it?
No, but he was pretty shaky.

Maybe it was
just being in jail.

That shakes some people up
so badly that they never
want to go back.

So they jump bail.

This whole thing,
none of it makes any sense.

I mean, he puts in
ten hours a day
at that bank

and brings a brief case
full of work home
every night.

I mean, every night!

He started as a teller
out in the sticks,

and became the branch manager
of the downtown office
in less than four years.

Sounds dedicated.

Can you think of anyone
he might get in touch with?
Friends? A relative?

No. Well, maybe Les,
but not before he'd call me.

Who is Les?

[SIGHS]

Lester Shaw.
Barry's best friend.

He's a banker, too.
They work together?

No. They met
at Barry's health club,
the Alphian Way.

They have a lot in common.

Both are
the resident rising stars
with their own companies.

Jim, do you think you could
try to find him again?

It was a mildly
interesting game,
until you pooped out.

You can drop me a check
for the $1,000.

Mr. Sloan?

You play a mean game.
Only when someone thinks
he has me hustled.

Cornell's been
working me up to this
for three weeks.

Gave him a very
expensive lesson.

I'd... I'd like
to talk to you
for a minute.

I'm Jim Rockford.

Rockford. Of course.
Real pleasure.

Fine job you did
for Barry.

Bank fraud isn't exactly
a traffic ticket.

That's how they happened
to lose him at county.

Wanted to keep him
under surveillance.

If there's anything I can do,
I'd be happy to.

Barry didn't come home
last night.

He was supposed to meet
with you.

I thought you might
have an idea where he is.

None at all.

He was quite discouraged
when I dropped him at his car,

but I thought
he was going home.
Never showed?

They found his car
at the airport.

Oh, what a dumb move.

[SIGHS]

It figures.
I probably had something
to do with it myself.

I told him his best chance
was to return the money
and plead no contest.

He'll get a year or two,
probably all but six months
of it suspended.

Obviously you think
he's guilty.

They have him dead-bang.

He approved
over 500 loans
in the past six months,

and at least 20 of those
were to nonexistent firms
or individuals.

That sounds impossible.

It's possible,
and profitable.

He took the applications,
approved the loans
and signed the checks.

I'm not talking out of turn,
this is all part
of the government's case.

Barry refused
to plead no contest?

He said he'd never spend
another minute in jail.

I told him
to get another attorney.

I can't help a man
who refuses to help himself.

The odds are,
he's long gone,

and trying to find him
is a lost cause.

Where would you start?

Well, at the Alphian Way.

Hold it, hold it.

Hey, did a Mercedes come in?
Guy wearing a dark suit
driving?

Yes, sir, but...

Oh, good. I'm the counter man
at the liquor store
down on Fourth.

He came in for a paper
and he left his wallet
on the counter.

Well, it's certainly
nice of you to return it,
sir.

I know Mr. Shaw
will be very grateful.
I'll see that he gets it.

Oh, no,
I'll give it to him.

I'm sorry, sir.
That's impossible.

Look, pal,
there's almost $3000 in here,

and it ought to be good
for at least $100 reward.

I'll split it with you.

I wouldn't think of it.
And only members are allowed
beyond this point.

Well, forget it.
I'll just keep it all.

Hold on, hold on.

You can park
right over there
and wait.

I'll call Mr. Shaw
and have him come down.

Forget it.

You tell your Mr. Shaw
I'll send him his wallet
and credit cards,

along with a note
telling him why
I couldn't return the money.

Okay, you can run it
up to him, but you come
right back here...

No problem.

Good morning, Mr. Shaw.
Good morning, Gustav.

I have to see
Dr. Brinkman
right away.

You're late
this morning,
Lester.

That's because two agents from
the Federal Banking Commission
showed up at my house.

They found my name
in Barry's address book.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

They'll need more of a link
than that, and there's no way
they're gonna get it.

Hello.
Now, go on back
and have a nice green drink.

Sylvia will work you in
as soon as she finishes
with Councilman Moore.

Mr. Shaw,
there's a man on the way up
with your wallet.

I'm looking for either
Dr. Brinkman
or Lester Shaw.

That's all right,
Gustav.

I'm Dr. Brinkman.
This is Mr. Shaw.

What's this nonsense
about my wallet?

Could I have gotten
past the gate if I said
I was a reporter?

No, I don't think
you could have.

SHAW: A reporter?

Jerry Vanders, LA Sun.

We're doing a big take-out
on white collar crime

and we're going to sidebar it
with a profile
on Barry Brauder.

I understand
he belongs to this club.

Our membership list
is confidential.
So I've heard.

I've also heard
you're Barry's best friend.

Sure would be nice
to get a few insights

on what makes
a dynamic frontrunner
take a dive like that.

Mr. Vanders,
this is a private club.

I will not allow
this intrusion
on its members.

Gustav,
show the gentleman
to the door.

Fine, fine.

I'll run the license numbers
from the cars out front
through the DMV

and contact your members
at their homes.

Herb! Glad I caught you.

I want to bring you up to date
on the landfill project.

Gustav,
entertain Mr. Vanders.

Wasn't that Councilman Moore?

This is some club
you belong to, Mr. Shaw.

Politicians, bankers,
embezzlers...

Mr. Shaw? I'm ready.

One second, Sylvia.

Maybe I can catch
you at your office
later in the day?

I have nothing to say to you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm running late.

Late for what?

Hey, don't tell me this place
is just a cover-up for some
very elite hanky-panky?

I'm not going
to dignify that
with an answer.

When asked if the Alphian Way
is in reality a bordello
for the very rich,

an employee,
known only as Gustav,
declined comment.

You can't write that.
No?

That becomes a bad habit.

Say, why don't you and Claire
join us for dinner tonight?

Love to, Herb, but
I'm working around the clock
on the urban renewal thing.

But we'll make it soon.

Have a good day.
You, too.

Just because they belong
to the same private sex club

does not necessarily mean
the indicted embezzler and
the councilman are friends,

but the connection
cannot be denied.

I'll own your newspaper
if I see that in print.

This is not
a sex club!

Look, I'm not trying
to be difficult.

I just want
a little background
on Barry Brauder.

His wife said
he's a devotee of yours.

You're like a father figure
to him.

Hardly.

We consult only
in the areas of diet,
vitamins and exercise.

And the councilman's
landfill briefing
was health-related also?

Can I speak off the record?

Sure, sure.

The landfill project
is a code name we have
for his receding hairline.

I had him double
his daily zinc intake

and he's already
growing new hair.

Mr. Vanders, I'm afraid
you have a wrong idea
about the Alphian Way.

If we can agree
that we're still
off the record,

I'd like to show you
what you're trying to torpedo.

That's all I've wanted
from the beginning.

I'm not out
to torpedo anything.

We started in '68.

Steam, pool, sauna, massage...

We're into the dynamics
of liberating
the human potential,

and we're very selective.

Membership is limited
to 36 at any one time.

What's the price tag?

Our price structure
is confidential.

Before I show you
the facilities,
you're in for a treat.

Gail.
Yes, sir.

Mr. Vanders.
Hi.

Make Mr. Vanders
a hi-pro green drink,
and don't spare the Malva.

Okay, one "Get-up-and-Go,"
coming up.

My own recipe.

We are all like machines,
Mr. Vanders,

and the ones which run best
are those which are
finely tuned.

Alphians are finely tuned
human beings,

and when they go out my door,
they go out with
a competitive edge.

Alphians are men who delight
in dissolving barriers,

men who become
leaders in their fields,

men who just...
Skip bail with half
a million dollars?

I don't know
what to say about Barry.
I thought I knew him.

I'm shocked and disappointed
by this whole seamy affair.

Doctor, telephone.
Private line.

Drink one of those
every day and you'll feel
the difference in a week.

I'll be right back.

Here you go.

There's a PI nosing around.

Do you think
we have a problem?

I tried to discourage him,
but who knows?

He may be coming your way.
His name is Jim Rockford.

Really?

What's he look like?

Come on,
it's good for you!

Once a day
is the Alphian Way.

But it tastes
like a front lawn.

Are you sure Barry Brauder
had one of these
every morning?

Yes, religiously.

Right after
he'd finish with Sylvia.
What's Sylvia's job?

Well, she's...
Sorry to keep you waiting,
Mr. Vanders.

Shall we continue?

No tour of the Alphian Way
would be complete without
a visit to Jerome.

Jerome?

My chiropractor
in residence.

Thank you.
Bye.

Jerome, I'd like you
to meet someone.

Jerome, say hello
to Mr. Rockford.

[GRUNTS]

I told you
we don't play
games here.

Barry Brauder
is a disgrace
to the Alphian Way.

I don't know where he is,
but if he comes here,
I'll call the police.

As I will
if you show up again.

Now, Jerome here
is going to give you
a little adjustment,

on the house,

and then Gustav
will wheel you
to your car.

Goodbye, Mr. Rockford.

Jim, could I retain you
to keep working on this case?

I'll pay any rate
you think's fair.
It's not the money, Joyce.

It's just that
I don't know

how many of their
chiropractic treatments
a guy can take.

What you're really
saying is,

there's a good chance
Barry's dead, isn't there?

Come on.

[GROANS]

Maybe I could give it
one more day.

I might get an inside track
with a buddy of mine
down at the police station.

If my dad can stand
four chiropractic
treatments a week,

I'm sure I can
take one more.

I'll just borrow
his Epsom salts.

Would you care
for a drink?

Yeah, please.
A straight Scotch.

I don't understand it.

Barry lived such
a good life.

He took 62 vitamin pills
before each meal,

fasted if he was
two pounds overweight,
never ate meat.

Everything had to come
from a health food store.

He was...

He was perfect.

Yeah, there's suddenly
a lot of perfect
people around.

Marty Sloan plays tennis
like a 20-year-old,

Councilman Moore is
famous for campaigning
in laundromats at 3:00 a.m.,

Lester Shaw is vice president
of Financial Trust at 35.

Did Barry join the Alphian Way
before he started
up the ladder, or after?

Before.

Barry was a teller
where Dr. Brinkman banked.

They became friends.

Dr. Brinkman asked him
to join at a discount.

He didn't have to pay
the regular rate until
he made branch manager.

How much is
the regular rate?

$1,500 a month.

Whew, that's steep!

But I wonder
if that's all of it.

With 36 members,

that'd mean Brinkman
would gross somewhere
around $600,000...

It must cost more than that
just to rent the place.

Oh, did Barry ever mention
someone named Sylvia?

She works there.

Sure. She gives
the vitamin B-12 sh*ts.

Barry has one every day.

And so does Lester Shaw.

MAN: Just keep them waiting.

Hillary, I don't know.
Just hang him up somehow.

Yes, sir.

Dr. Brinkman, please.
Lester Shaw.

Rockford's here.

He's making noises
about the police.
What should I do?

Are the construction workers
still striking
on Winding Lane?

Yes.
Good.

Get him up there.
How?

Tell him anything
he wants to know.

It won't make
any difference anyway.

What are you going to do?

Buy him off, of course.

Now do it.

Cancel my 4:00
with the branch managers.

I have to meet Wilson
up on the Fleming job.

It looks like they may be
going back to work.

I don't have time
to talk to you.

You'd better
make time, hot sh*t,
or you're gonna be doing it.

Come on.
We can talk in the car.

ROCKFORD: Quite an assortment,
you Alphians.

Stockbrokers, lawyers,
bankers, politicians,
at least one cop,

the owner
of an ambulance company...

What's his contribution
to Brinkman?

Carrying you guys away
when you burn out?

I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, I think you do.

I think Brinkman's
what they call
a Dr. Feelgood.

Those vitamin sh*ts
you get every morning
are laced with speed.

Barry was hooked.

You probably are, too.

I thought it was just jail
that made Barry so paranoid.

I didn't realize
he was also coming down
off his high octane.

You Alphians have
the competitive edge,
all right.

Brinkman tightens your bolts
and sends you out the door
at full throttle.

Got it all figured, huh?

You know, my buddy
at First Fed downtown

says bank examiners
are coming out of the woodwork
since Barry's indictment.

You wouldn't have a little bit
of that flaky paper floating
around, now, would you, huh?

No, I'm all in.

But it isn't
like you think.
Really.

Then you'd better tell me
how it is, Lester.

Unless you want me to convince
the Federal Banking Commission

to shine their light
on you, too.

Okay, look.

Say Herb has to take
a position in a rice deal.

He calls me or Barry,

we pull a phony loan app,

the money goes out,

comes back
with maximum interest
in 48 hours.

Some people make money,
some get to eat,
and your stats look great.

What I'd like to know,

what's Brinkman doing
in the middle of a rice deal
in the first place?

What he does best.
Herb is a power broker.

He puts together
sweetheart deals.

Ambulance franchises,
new office buildings,

new legislation,
judgeships...

All bought and sold
across the juice bar
at the Alphian Way.

And Brinkman takes his cut,
coming and going.

So what?
He deserves it.

New capital is generated,
business stimulated,
jobs...

Everything is repaid,
and everyone makes out.

Somehow I don't think
your friend Barry
fared too well.

That damned random audit.
But that's not Herb's doing.

He'd never let one
go into default.

They k*lled him, Lester.
You're wrong.

Herb Brinkman
is a militant pro-lifer.

There's just no way
he could k*ll a human being.

[CAR DOORS SLAMMING]

They don't look like
pro-lifers to me.

Thanks a lot, pal.

You set me up
to get popped.

You're wrong again.

I'm sure you'll find it
very lucrative.

Herb does business
in a big way.

Doctor Brinkman
would like to have
a chat with you.

Not on your life, pal.

[GRUNTS]

Jerome has another
adjustment.

He calls it
the Chinese Puzzle.

I'd really rather not.

Then just go quietly
into the station wagon.

I don't understand
you, Rockford.

What do you have
against better clothes
and a new car?

[GASPING]

This is what it
looks like, Lester,
and you're an accomplice.

The only way you have out now
is to go to the cops,

but I haven't yet met a junkie
that'd turn in his connection.

I am not a junkie!

Alphians
are not junkies.

Junkies use dr*gs
to keep from facing
their limitations.

An Alphian
uses methamphetamine
to push through them.

If anybody gets
hooked on anything,
it's on producing results.

Glorify it all you want.
It's still a prop.

It's a tough world out there.

You'd be surprised
how many movers and shakers

use speed,
in one form or another.

Even a couple of presidents,
I'm told.

Which means someone like you
could've been running
the country.

That's not a bad idea,
considering the way
it's being run.

Oh, come on, now.
You couldn't even run
Barry Brauder right.

I have one rule around here.
"Hold thy mud."

Barry caved in.

It was a character flaw
I hadn't foreseen.

And you k*lled him.

I'm a doctor.
The body is a temple.

I couldn't take a life.

No, Barry is very much alive,
as you will soon see,

because you'll
be joining him

at the Cleon County
home for the insane.

It's a tad below
the Mason-Dixon Line.

My brother
is the chief administrator.

The ambulance is here.

Hey, a straitjacket...

You're not gonna put me
in a straightjacket.
No way.

You have to be secure
for shipment.

I suppose I could
let Jerome slip three disks
and separate both shoulders.

You'd do that to a temple?

You're not going to
get away with this.
I think I will.

Fictitious name and past.

Long history
of paranoid hysteria.

Destitute.
A hopeless case.

You think my vitamin sh*ts
are potent?

My brother has developed
a little cocktail
he calls "Head On A Post."

Triazil, Mescaprine,
PCP and LSD.

He uses it to turn transients
into basket cases,

then he charges Cleon County
$92 a month
to take care of them.

Doesn't sound like
he makes much of a profit.

Well, they say
the food's not too good.

[WATER DRIPPING]

Hello, Mr. Kauffman.

Welcome to
Cleon County Asylum.

I'm Carl Brinkman.

I'm not Kauffman
and you know it.

Yes, I know it,
but I'm the only
one who does,

and I just forgot it.

You do the same
and I think things
will be much easier for you.

You see,
you have a choice.

Tranquilizer
twice a day, or...

"Head on a Post"?

A wise choice.

I'm going to warn you,
Mr. Kauffman.

Any display of hostility
on your part,

and you won't be able
to sort your first initial
out of the alphabet blocks

for at least five years.

[GAGGING]

Hey, hey,
that's hostility.

Give me some water.

That's good,
that's good.

Now, Mr. Kauffman,
you're gonna be locked
in this room

for the next 10 days.

If the reports are good,
I'll allow you to join
the general population.

Do I have to be
strapped down?

No, you'll be released
when the chlorpromazine
takes effect.

Enjoy your stay, Mr. Kauffman.
You're going to be with us
for a long, long time.

Out of the way,
out of the way!

Good morning,
Mr. Kauffman.

Time for your
medication.

That's right.

You have a nice day, now.

Well, well, Mr. Kauffman,
Morris tells me you've
been a model citizen,

so this is your
coming out day.

Does that mean
I get more to eat?

You got any jacks?

This is Mr. Kauffman,
everybody.

I want you
to make him feel welcome.

Go with the flow,
Mr. Kauffman.

Mr. Kauffman...

Mr. Kauffman?

You'll be sleeping
in the dormitory tonight.

Do you understand?

[SCREECHING]

Any sixes?

Those are threes.

You stay out of this, mister,
unless you want to sit in.

I don't have any cigarettes.

Come on! Play!
I'll lend you some of mine!

That's all right.
I'll just watch, Mr...

I'm not a mister.
I'm just Rhino.

That's John Doe.

And that's Doc Holliday.

What's your name,
Mr. Kauffman?

I'm Jim Rockford.
I'm a private investigator
from Los Angeles.

[ALL LAUGHING]

We gonna talk
or are we gonna
play cards?

Play.

Any kings, Doe?

Nope. Fish.

Rhino, you got any fours?

Huh?
You got any fours?

[CLEARS THROAT] Doe,
give me your aces.

I hear a friend of mine
checked in here
about three weeks ago.

Medium height,
nice-looking man,
about 35.

About three weeks ago.

Name's Barry Brauder.

Sounds like Jones.

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]
That's him over on the divan.

Spends most of his time
there, too.

That's him, yeah.

Doe,
give me all your tens.

Holliday, one of these days
I'm gonna catch you cheating.

And when I do...

You pick some
pretty tough places
to kick a habit, pal.

Rockford?

How?
Same way you did.

They must keep you
pretty tranqed up, huh?

Well, at least
they haven't given you
the main course yet.

How's Joyce?
Miserable.

Don't swallow
any more tranqs,

even if it means
sticking your finger
down your throat.

I need them.
I couldn't handle this place
without them.

You'd better start
learning to handle reality
with nothing added, sport.

It's the only way out.

There's no way out.

Locks... Lots of locks.

I thought
you Alphians specialized
in dissolving barriers.

Do those guys
play cards a lot?

All day.

We got to get those keys.

I have an idea.

I'd like to do it right now,
but I want you to be
as alert as possible.

We go tomorrow.

Are you serious?

I sure don't want
to hang around here
for the Christmas party.

[INMATE SNORING]

Morning, partner.

Care to watch again?

Doe, something tells me
you're holding deuces
and I want them.

What's with the guy
under the table?

Oh, him. He's a nut.

Thinks he's James Bond,
Dr. Brinkman is M,
and we're all Russians.

He reports everything.

Everything.

ROCKFORD:
What's that he's playing? Jax?

DOC:
Him, he's a mute.

Any fives, Doe?

All right, Doe,

I'll take your fours
and your tens, too!

Then you can toss over
them aces and queens!

[CHUCKLING]

You must be cheating,
Holliday.

You better be ready
to back up them words,
mister.

Nobody calls Doc Holliday
a cheater and...

What're you doing?

Trying to find my brand.

I mean, you did say
I could have half
your winnings

if I flashed the signals
like I did yesterday,
didn't you, Doc?

All right,
let me in there.
Let me take care of him!

All right, quiet down.
Who started it?

Who started it?

All right, if that's
the way you want it.

No food for three days.

Doc did it.

INMATE 1: Doc did it.
INMATE 2: Doc did it.

INMATE 3: Doc did it.

Not me. It was him.

He's the one.
It was his fault!

He's a Clanton!

When's lunch?

Okay, Doc. That does it.
You've been warned before.

Give me the hat.

Your hat-wearing privileges
are suspended indefinitely.

No cards
for the rest
of the week.

They're trying to k*ll you!
And M!

You've got to stop them!

Oh, Bond, for Pete's sake.
Would you go sit down?

No! It's the truth this time!
I saw them.

They're going to k*ll M.

Come on, Bond,
will you be quiet?

But it's the truth
this time.

Bond?
Do I have to get the hypo?

Okay, get that door open.

We've got to get
some car keys
somewhere.

Maybe she's got some.

Looks like a car key.

I go with you,
or I start yelling
right now.

[STUTTERING]
Can I go too,
please?

All right,
you can go,

but you're on your own
once we hit the front
door. Okay?

Doc?

Thank you, Wyatt.
I owe you.

All right, quiet.
Give me this...

[SHUSHING]

The man's office
is behind this door.
On the right.

[GIGGLING]

[SHUSHING]

BOND: M, M!
They're coming
to get you.

All right,
let's go for it!
Come on!

Hurry, hurry,
hurry!

[ALARM RINGING]

Got it.

Come on, get in the back.

[LAUGHING]

Get out of his way,
you nut.

Better let me drive, sir.
I've had more experience
with this sort of...

Get out of the way, dummy.

Breaker! Breaker!
Any ears!
Call the sheriff!

There's been an escape
from the county asylum.

Some very dangerous
and armed men are heading west
on 43 in a tan pickup!

I'd have been better off
staying in jail
in the first place.

You may still
get your chance,
unless you get smart

and turn state's evidence
against Brinkman's
whole operation.

You get us out of this,
I'll take him down.
That's a promise.

You may be taking out
your best friend, too.

We took ourselves out
a long time ago.

You really want
to do something?

Then sh**t the driver
when I pull alongside.

What?
That's an order, Bond!

Better put the rails
to it, Wyatt.

Our dust
is full of Clantons!

It doesn't work!

It doesn't work.

Pull the safety, dummy.

Look out, look out.

[g*n FIRES]

Let me help you with that.
Let me help you.

Hang on, stop it...
Doc, come on.

[EXCLAIMS]

All right, don't sh**t.
We're unarmed! We surrender!

Nice and easy now.

Now, take it easy.

I know we probably
look like just a bunch
of escaped mental patients.

But this man on my right
is a federal fugitive.

There's $10,000
reward on him.

Yeah,
and I'm Elliot Ness, too.

No, it's the truth,
it's the truth,
and you got him.

It's worth a phone call.
Yeah.

Just call the
Federal Banking Commission.

The branch in Los Angeles.
Collect.

Just mention his name.
Barry Brauder.

And who are you?
Napoleon?

No, my name's Jim Rockford,
I'm a PI out of Los Angeles.

His wife hired me
to find him.

And this man's
been holding us prisoner
for an executive dope pusher,

his brother, you see...
Good work, Delbert.
Cuff them.

The tall one
is criminally insane,
tore the whole place open.

$10,000 will buy
a lot of grits, Delbert.

Come on, Delbert, you're
going to stand here and talk
to a bunch of lunatics?

Cuff them,
they're dangerous.

And who are you?
He's not with us.

I mean, he is, but...
I already got your story.

Well?
Doc Holliday, Sheriff.

I just checked into
his digs to shake
a case of TB,

but don't worry,
I checked my g*ns.

He isn't with us, either!

I told you to button up!

Who are you?
Jesse James?

No use, Delbert.
This one's a mute.

Plays Jax all day.

I'm Robert W. Zachary,
Sheriff,
with the Delta Tribune.

And I'm going to get
the Pulitzer Prize
for this one, gentlemen.

Doc?
This happens sometimes.

Trauma causes a reversal
of the sensory dysfunction.

There've been rumors
about the home

at the state capital
for two years.

And everything
is absolutely correct.

Okay, that's it.

Everyone's coming in
until I can get
this thing untangled.

Who'd you say
I was supposed to call
in Los Angeles, mister?

Federal Banking Commission.

What are you
staring at, Doctor?

You see somebody's
head on a post?