04x12 - The Queen of Peru

[bunniefuu]

I expect to have
this diamond recovery
put to bed by the weekend.

John Wayne in
The Fighting Leathernecks,
right?

Let's hear your offer.

I'm authorized
to offer you 500,000.



Wronko! Scott!

Split the recovery fee
with us.

The only thing we're gonna
split is your lip.

Will you watch
the road, Wronko?

He's one of the clowns
from the ransom meet.
He's got a shotgun.

Sideswipe him! Whack him!

The tire blew.
They're gonna k*ll us.

[PHONE RINGING]

ROCKFORD
ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
This is Jim Rockford.

At the tone, leave your name
and message.

I'll get back to you.

[BEEPS]

Jim, it's Grace at the bank.

I checked your Christmas Club
account. You don't have $500.
You have $50.

Sorry, computer foul-up.

You said no police,
you got no police.

What is this?

If it's a set-up, they can
leave in either direction.

Right.

Now which one of you
did I speak to on the phone?

Me. I'm Steven Kalifer.

This is James Rockford.
A private investigator.

He works for us
as a consultant on things
like this. Logistics...

Here's how it lays out.
We boosted it, you want it.

We might sell it back to you.

You said that much
on the phone!

You wanna sell it back
because you're a
couple of Eagle Scouts.

You couldn't fence it,
correct?

So now you're stuck with
a $2 million
conversation piece?

I guess there was
a lot of conversation

when you found out
you couldn't unload it.

We could always sell it
to a private collector.

In fact, we have a meet
pending in Marseilles

with a dude from Thailand
any time we want it.

Only who wants
the Borlund diamond
in their jockey shorts

when they go through
French customs?

All right. All right.
We all know why we're here.
So let's hear your offer.

I'm authorized to offer you,
on behalf of
Boston Fire and Casualty,

a total cash outlay,
at this time, for return
of the Borlund diamond

of $300,000.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Take the bus home.

Okay, hold it.

My company told me
to start at 3,
I told them it was silly.

How much?




We all know the stone
was appraised at the end of
fiscal '76 for $2 million.

That's how much you're gonna
have to plunk down
in Mr. Borlund's hand

if you have to pay the claim
and you can't recover it.

So stop offering us baseball
cards and be businesslike.

Otherwise,
we're going home.


Thank you.
Now you stay by the phone
all day tomorrow.

You'll get a call to tell you
the when and the where
of the exchange.

There won't be any exchange
under those conditions.

Excuse me, Mr. Rockford,
thank you,

but I hardly think that
this is the appropriate
time for you to...

Do you really think
that Jean Claude Killy
and his sister here

actually took
the Borlund diamond?

Why else would they be here,
for the love of Mike?

Well, they could have
read about it.

You know, maybe
they're just a couple
of yom-yoms

with a fast line of patter
and their daddy's shotgun.

Oh.

We walk into the exchange
with a million dollars

and walk out with nothing
but goose eggs.

We're the ones
that pulled the job.
Fine.

All we want is
you pick the time,
we pick the place.

You still have the element
of surprise on your side.

Okay.

And the thing that makes this
work for us is no g*ns.

Tomorrow we all strip down
in slacks and T-shirts.

Leave the toys at home.

Unacceptable.

Then goodbye.
I'm going to call
for a tow truck.

It's too hot to change tires.
You do whatever you want.

Rockford! Rockford,
you're in the final stages
of negotiations!

Hey! Okay, no g*ns!

And we do abide by
the dress code, right?

You still take
the bus home.
Yeah.

"O-3-2-P-C-E. O-3-2-P-C-E."

Those vehicles were
either rented or they're hot,
Mr. Kalifer.

If they were rented,
you better believe
everybody use stage names.

Oh.

Well the taller one
was wearing Florsheims,
did you notice that?

No, not really.

One would think that the
retainer we've got you under

would at least buy us some
powers of observation.

Here's my point, we get
the police to draw up a list

of everyone who bought
Florsheim shoes in
the past few months.

Then have them check out
the names on the list.

Is that a nationwide list,
a California list,
or a Southern California list?

You mocking me, Rockford?
No, I think
it's a dandy idea.

If I were you I'd go
to the police with it
right now.

I intend to.

It's your brother.

Did you tell that bimbo
cocktail waitress we were
gonna rent a car here?

Yeah, but Debbie's
a class squeeze.
She wouldn't say nothing.

You cretin.

Is it just Lou
or is he there too?

I don't know.
I didn't see him.

But he must be upstairs
checking the rental desk.

We run for it. Go.

Ginger! The stairs!

He's locked the bloody door!
We've lost him!

Get him in the car!

I think Mike's dead.

Get him in the car. Move!

ROCKFORD: A beautiful thing,
isn't it?

Just a lump of coal really

but it becomes
something different
right in front of your eyes.

A giant pain in the tush
is what it becomes
in front of my eyes.

One thing bothers me.

Don't keep me in suspense.

There were two men
out by the dam.

To get into the
Borlund Museum
for this stone,

seems to me that's more than
a two-man job.

They have a
weight-sensitive floor,

a Verns and Dyer
ultrasonic, right?

I wonder
where the others were today?

Others? Not likely
and certainly not relevant.

At this point in time,

I just want to
get the stone back
and save the company 1 mil.

I'd say that's the meeting,
wouldn't you? We reconnoiter
here at 0800?

What's the matter, Kalifer?

I mean this warmth of yours
is just rolling over me
in waves.

I won't b*at around the bush,
mister.

Mr. Rockford.

I'm a lieutenant colonel
in the National Guard

and we have a word
for people like you.

I can't wait.

Lollygagger.

That was worth waiting for.

I don't feel, with your
prison record, that you belong
in an offensive like this.

I feel you're
the soft underbelly

in our counter-offensive
against these thieves,

and what's more, I think
the only reason you're here
is because

of the personal amity between
you and Mr. Soriano,
who is my superior.

I'll tell you something,
Colonel. Ted Soriano and I are
good friends.

But the only reason I'm here
is because it's
in my retainer contract.

I'm stuck with you.

I'm not out to
win a popularity contest,
just to get the job done.

John Wayne in
The Fighting Leathernecks,
right?

I expect to have
this diamond recovery
put to bed by the weekend.

And be completely free
for my Guard's battalion's

amphibious operation
at Marina Del Rey.

And Lord help the man
who fouls that up.

Marina Del Rey?
An absolute blood bath.

Let me guess,
the beach is being held by

a brigade of airline
stewardesses in
mid-engine Porsches?

Someday when the social order
has broken down

and the Guard is the last
line of defense

between you and a bunch of
screaming welfare animals,
you won't think it's so silly.

Sure I will.
I'm just a silly guy.

[OUTBOARD MOTOR RUNNING]

He's got this thing
all bollocksed up.

He doesn't know
the value of a dollar.

Hi, neighbor!
Carl Wronko,
Peru, Indiana.

Jim Rockford, from right here.

It's 6:15 in the morning,
you know.

What do you think you're doing
with this motor?

Flushing the tubes.

I'm talking about the noise.
This is a residential area.

Oh, is it now?

But our AAA map says
this is a public beach.

All California beach
is public beach.
This is a residential area.

Can't you see the homes?

You got something there.

It's all public beach?
Boy, this California,

classless society.

Back east, boy,
if you've got the loot,
you own the beach.

The motor? Please?

[MOTOR STOPPING]

Dot. This is my wife, Dot.

This is Jim Rockford.
He lives here.

Hi.

[TV BLARING]

Shareen, you don't watch TV
at 6:15 in the morning.

Now you turn that off

and bring those eggs
and steak here this minute!

SHAREEN: Wow! What a drag.

Rockford. Rockford.
There's a town in Illinois
named Rockford.

My sister lives there
and her husband's name is Jim.
Isn't that interesting?

Not Rockford, of course,
his name's Paciak.

Uh, how long you folks
plan on staying?

I don't know.
That's the good thing
about an RV.

Yeah.

You know that old Frankie
Laine, "My heart goes
where the wild goose goes"?

Well, that's the RV life,
if you ask me.

Look I got in
about 2:00 in the morning,

so if you're planning
to camp here,

just remember there's a
noise ordinance till 7:00 a.m.

When's breakfast, Ma?

Jim, this is my son, Sean!

Sean, say hello
to Jim Rockford.
He lives here.

Don't just nod!
Now walk over
and say a proper hello,

shake his hand.

Hello.

I didn't see you folks
when I pulled in last night.

We rolled in
kind of late ourselves.
We missed our ETA by...

What was it, Nav?
Sean's our official
navigator.

He likes to help his dad.

I don't know.

Sure you do.

I taught you
how to figure out that ETA.

You spot yourself on
the map, then you divide
the distance by rate?

I don't know, Dad.

Is there any sites of interest
us Peruvians ought to see
while we are in the area?

Oh yeah.
Up north of here,
there's Trancas.

That's the place to be
if you like beaches.

This is overcast most days.
Fog comes in 9:00, 9:30,

every morning.
You can depend on it.

Look, I plan
to get a little more shut-eye,

so maybe I'll get to say
goodbye before you go.

Mr. Rockford,
our bathroom's broken.

Do you think Shareen
could use yours?

Sure.

Thank you very much.
Now you go on, young lady,
and you spray everywhere.

And you take that w*r paint
off, young lady.

We're not going to argue
about that all day again.

On the phone they said
this site was
all right with them.

They said they were
already here.
I don't like the smell.
Let's go.

[PHONE RINGING]

Don't leave the money
in the car.

Yeah?

Look behind you and you'll see
a yellow car parked
under the tree.

Get in it and drive south,
turn into the amusement park.

No deal. We agreed to meet
right here at the rest stop.

The land is wide open
and everything's safe.

You decide.
You've got two minutes.

They're changing
the dance steps on us.

They want us
to get in that car and drive
south to the amusement park.

But that's not...
They said...

What is this?
A whoopee cushion.

My advice is we pass.
Right now.

Well, I'm not at all certain
that I agree with that.

You checked this
whole stretch of country out

when you selected it
as the exchange site.

It's all level terrain
with good visibility.

I don't see how we
could get hurt.
I get paid as a consultant.

We have just consulted.
You do what you want.

Just as I suspected.
A nervous Nellie.

Don't think I need
you, mister.
Just shut up
and go, will you?

Why the change in plans?

I got certain problems
of my own
which don't concern you.

Where's your partner?

He's watching us right now,
through a scoped r*fle,

just to make sure
you don't get frisky.

I don't think so.
I think you're working alone.

Stop flapping your chops
and show me the money.

Now, let's see the diamond.

I don't have it with me.
It's in the ashes of
Rockford's barbecue.

Okay, Kalifer, let's go.
Come on.

It's the truth.
I put it in the ashes
of your barbecue,

which is yellow, and sits
to the left of the stairs
in front of your trailer.

Hey, what is this?

I got into some difficulties
last night and I had to
make some changes.

So I found your address
in the phone book.

I had to build some more
fail-safes into the exchange.

You are working alone.
I didn't say that.

One of you stays with me
while the other goes and
checks out the barbecue.

When you've got the diamond,
you call here.

My car's back there,
I've got a car phone.
Here's the number.

The guy that's here
releases the money.

This is awful.

This is a complete deviation
from what was agreed upon.

Come on. Come on.
I'm frying my keester off.

This is a wool mask!
Talk it over and decide.

What do you think?
If he's alone...
There's two of us.

We could trap him in
a pincer movement
and overrun him.

Hold it, Rommel. There may be
another turkey in the straw
with a 30.06.

I say we investigate
his story.

Agreed. I'll stay with him,
you go check out
the barbecue.

Leave you with the million
in cash? Is that what
you're saying?

The diamond may or may
not be in your barbecue.

But the cash is here now,
and it was signed out
in my name

and I'm accountable for it.
I intend to stay with it.

Damn!

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.
ROCKFORD: :
Let me talk to Kalifer.

You talk to me.
I said I want to
talk to Kalifer.

Hello.

I don't want you to react
at all, just listen carefully.

We're going to have
to improvise because
the barbecue grill is gone.

What?
I said don't react! Just...

What's the problem?

I should warn you, mister.
I'm a brown belt.

Kalifer?

What kind of barbecue
is it, Rockford?

Is that relevant?

Complete reports are always
relevant. Make? Model?

A Cook-Master 24-inch
with adjustable grill.

Lieutenant Chapman, I demand
that I and a team from
Boston Fire and Casualty

be allowed to
interrogate Mr. Rockford.

You demand?
You and your associates,
and I mean all of you,

participated in
an illegal activity.

Conspiracy to withhold
information on a felony,

conspiring with
admitted felons.

Boston F&C wants a bust here.
Of course we do.

But there have been times
when the police
have pursued that end

with an excess of zeal.

They've caught the malefactors
and lost the stolen item.

So you pay a claim.
That's why people hire you.

A childlike view
of the insurance industry.

Lieutenant Chapman,
Mr. Rockford is being harassed

because some criminal claims
that the Borlund diamond

was in the ashes
of his barbecue grill.

If there's any truth in that,
Mr. Rockford has told you

that these people in a camper
more than likely pilfered
said barbecue.

Find them.

Let me tell you
something, Miss.

If anyone was likely
to get it in his head that he
could pull a job

and walk off with
a $2 million rock, it's you.

So for now,
Becker, take him down
and hold him 24 hours.

I approve of that
stratagem, Lieutenant.

Do I care?
You want my opinion?

Whether it was Rockford
or some other crumb
who took that diamond,

you're to blame
for this spot you're in.

We also understand
some citizen called in here
with a suggestion

that we run down everybody
with Florsheim shoes.
Is that you?

Yes it was.
And it might have worked.

It was ludicrous.
But if you'd admitted that
you were having tea and cake

with those crooks, we'd have
dropped the net
on the lot of you.

I can only assume
from your highhanded tone

that General Catherwood
did not call you.

He called.
So, go home, Mr. Kalifer.
And stay there.

He gets to go home
and I get the clanger?

Wait a minute, Chapman.
Let me take a s*ab at this.

You're in the National Guard,
am I warm?
Sure. I got to be.

This General, whoever he is,
calls up from the pet shop
he runs,

when he's not driving
around in a paper mache t*nk,

then Colonel Blimp
gets a slap on the wrist
and a ride in a squad car.

Becker!

Lieutenant, if I may.
Why don't I wait till...

You may not.
Now do it.

Okay, Chapman, turn
on the lights and the siren.

It'll give Stevie boy
a thrill.

Ginger, where're you going?
You're sure you don't want
me to come?

You got it covered,
huh, buddy?

Lou, don't let him dump me
out on the road or nothing
like that. Huh?

"Don't let him dump me
on the road." After he tries
to be so smart.

I'm sorry I double-crossed
Ginger. I'm more sorry I
double-crossed you though.

His own brother,
he goes and shafts.

See, Donny told me.

Donny told me, Donny told me!

He goes and conspires
with a wazoo named
Donny Waugh.

What do these two animals do?

They sneak off with the
diamond that all four of us
worked so hard to steal.

They try to ace us
out of the profits.
And now, Donny Waugh,

he's gonna get the ransom
and maybe the diamond too
and we wind up with nothing,

and he comes to me
and he goes, "Lou," he goes,

"Please, don't let Ginger
dump me out on the road."

So how is it?

Actually, I think
I feel better today.

What we heard on the police
frequencies was right.

This James Rockford
was arrested last night.

He's being released now.
Hey, things are looking up.

This bloke you met
with the insurance man,

are you sure his name's
James Rockford?

Absolutely.

You'd better be.

Or I'm going to feed you to
the circling birds, mate,
to the circling birds.

I had to tap that
emergency fund of yours
for part of that bail money,

including the wad
you keep behind the toaster.

That was going to buy me
into the blackjack game
at the Waveview Hotel.

Well now,
that's some emergency.

I don't feel so bad
is all I have to say.

All that hard-earned...

Dad, I'd love to debate
gambling with you

but the Wronkos
and their broncos
could be halfway to Indiana

with my barbecue.

Oh, come on.
This charge is never going
to stick. Let it go.

Let the police find
the Borlund diamond.

Dad, tell her what
was on the answerphone.

That Boston Fire &
Casualty canceled
Jim's retainer contract.

Kalifer's cutting me
to pieces just to
cover his own flanks.

Those consulting fees
mean a lot to me, Beth.

But those people in the camper
could be anywhere.

Tell me about it.
"My heart goes where
the wild goose goes."

I always liked that
song. Now that Frankie Laine,

there's a fella who sings
like a real man.

Okay, folks, do you think
you could take me over
to the impound area

and I can get my car?

[IGNITION TURNING]

Don't flood it.

I'm not, I didn't even have
my foot on the pedal.

You're flooding it.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Kid! That's right, you!
Pick that clam shell up
and put it in the garbage.

So, '63 Fuelly,
dumped, big racing slicks.

So this chicano guy
says to me, "Oh yeah?

"Well, we'll go back
to Sunland

"and bring a bunch
of our friends up here
and party with you."

Hey Skip, excuse me.
Listen, you were on
duty yesterday.

You remember
that road queen
that was parked over there?

You wouldn't happen to
know where they went?

Ladies?

She hit on you, too?

Who?
Who? Shareen.

The little girl?

Was that a
humongous little bod?

I'm making my morning patrol
in the jeep and she's out
there with these earphones.

I stop, warn her about the
riptides, you know, and bam!
She's coming on to me.

Yeah, terrible riptides.
The bottom is littered
with ships.

I take a half hour splitsky,
you know, and I'm steering her
toward the dugout

at the little league field
for the coup de grace.

All of a sudden
she starts having
second thoughts.

Starts telling me about this
headcase boyfriend back home.

They're punk rockers,
she says.

This creep wears safety pins
all over his clothes.

Well, Jim, I hate to see
a nice girl going
in that direction.

I know you do, Skip.
I know all about
your work with youth.

So I told her, "Hey, look,
if you're a real punk

"then you don't
have to be faithful
to this guy.

"Punks aren't
faithful to anybody."
But it was still no go.

Words to live by.
You're quite a guy, Skip.

Look, Skip,
they stole my barbecue.

You wouldn't happen to know
where they were headed next?

You know, Jim,
I work hard here every day,

but never so hard that
I don't have
a little extra time for you.

Keeping an eye
on that trailer,

telling people to watch out
for your car when they
pull out, stuff like that.

Do you ever remember me
at Christmas time? Ever.

Slip me a few numbers
or even a six pack?

I hope you understand
where I'm coming from.

I mean, a lifeguard hasn't
got all that many years
in him.

After 35, the skin goes,
you can't...

Where were they headed?

The old lady was all hot
to see Solvang, and then
maybe the Hearst Castle.

I'll tell you something, Skip.
I remember you
at Christmas time.

I just don't do
anything about it.

What are you grousing
about now, for heaven's sake?

I bust my brisket 50 weeks
a year, so I can take them
on a nice trip,

show them this big beautiful
U.S. Of A. What happens?

It's like riding
with a pair of Martians.

Oh, stop with the self pity.
This trip was as much
for you as for anyone.

Lord, will you look at that.
Sure ain't nothing like that
back in Peru.

Know what it
reminds me of?

Japan, north of Yokohama.

When I was in the Navy.
Just me and Johnny Alteri
and Bill Bushing

and a case of the best beer
I ever drank. Japanese beer.
A picnic.

I was what? 20?

Boy, there was some
sunset that day.

Did I tell you?
I ran into Bill Bushing
in Columbus last year,

wears orthopedic shoes.
Sells them.

I asked each one of you
to bring out one
plastic bag of garbage.

Now, Sean, where is yours?

Sean, crumple those Dixie cups
and put them in the bag, too.

And that T-shirt
you ruined in San Clemente.

A rubber band from
someone's braces
is on the floor!

Where, Mother?

Where's the windshield spray?

Who packed away the barbecue
with the ashes still in it?

This is one fine mess
in this compartment!
Now, who did it?

This barbecue didn't walk in
here on its own legs

and climb into this
compartment by itself!

You better tell him, Sean.

I wanna make my long-distance
call to Joey and I'm not gonna
get blamed for this.

You were yelling to hurry up
when we left Malibu, Dad.

She was supposed to help me
clean up the stuff
but she wouldn't!

Oh, wow, what a liar!

The slam-bang king!

You couldn't take
two seconds to empty the
swill out of that grill.

Wasn't even our barbecue.

He took that man's, Daddy.
The man in the trailer.

I was hurrying so much
I busted another leg
off our grill.

You were already so ticked off
because I forgot to flush
the tubes of the outboard.

You got no sense of the value
of a dollar!

I saw his barbecue and...

In other words,
you stole that man's barbecue!

That's what you're saying?
You stole the man's barbecue?

Well, too late now.
We'd better get going.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Afternoon. Do you know
the gentleman that lives
in that mobile home?

Do you know
where we might find him then?

He's a PI and people are
always looking for him
on business.

And I get a little drug being
a free information bureau.

I need to see some
bodacious bread.

May I come up, son?
Why?

Do you know what I think?
No.

I think that's a bloody
sad commentary, that.
What is?

Solvang! He went to Solvang!

And then maybe
to Hearst Castle.

We're not natives, mate.
What is this Solvang?

It's this place up the coast,
like a little Denmark.

They wear wooden shoes
and sell butter cookies.

You won't miss it if you watch
for the signs.

What would Mr. Rockford
be doing in this
little Denmark, son?

He's looking for this family
in a camper. The Wronkos.

They got a CB and all kinds
of boats and bikes and stuff.

They're from Peru, Indiana,
and they lifted his barbecue.

He seemed real upset
only I don't know why.

Taking this a*tillery position
depends on Alpha Team

spearheading the as*ault
from the east.

Their mechanized units
can deliver quite a wallop.

But a lot of those men
have long hair. One of them
is even a beautician.

The General will blow a cork
if his troops are outdistanced
by those people.

Kalifer, sir? I'm Jones.
I phoned your office
at Boston Life and Casualty

and they said
I might find you here.

An insurance problem
has come up.

What? We're having
an invasion here.

I am sorry, sir.
It's about the
Borlund diamond.

New information
has come to light.

Oh, yes.
Major, would you excuse us,
please?

Thank you so much.
It won't take but a moment.

No shouting now,
Colonel, you understand?

I don't want the blokes
outside with g*ns upset.

No. No trouble, please.
None of us has f*ring pins.

At ease.

[COUGHING]

Are you quite finished?

Now then, Colonel,
we understand Mr. Rockford
has gone up the coast

after a family in a camper.
Why would he do that?

Well, he...

He claims this Wronko family
took his barbecue
with the diamond in it.

We head for Solvang.

Just head up there?
That's a big area.

Mike, what do you think?

Huh? I feel better.
Thanks.

That's good, Mike.
That's good.

Ginger, there's hundreds
of camper parks
between here and Solvang.

It's like finding
a needle in a haystack.

There is no
simple way. None.

Breaker, breaker,
this is Big 500

calling any and all
Hoosiers out there.

Breaker, breaker,
this is the Big 500

calling any RVers
from the great and sovereign
state of Indiana, come on.

Ten-four, Big 500:
This is Sal Intili in the Dago
Winnebago out of Terre Haute.

What's your 20?
Indianapolis.

Hey, Sal, you wouldn't
happened to have seen

Carl and Dot Wronko
out of Peru, anywhere
have you, come on?

Negatory, good buddy.
Haven't seen any Incas.

Well, Sal, we plan
to have a big reunion
and jamboree

of all Indiana RVers out there
on the Pacific Coast Highway
this weekend.

We're gonna meet at San Simeon
campground, at high noon
tomorrow. Come on.

Sounds like a possible,
Big 500: What's gonna go on?
Light beer or what?

For sure, beer and this
and that.

Maybe bike races,
dream about the moonlight
on the Wabash.

That's a big ten-four.
We'll sure be there.

I'm glad to hear it, Sal.
Pass the word on now.

Especially if you see
Carl and Dot Wronko.
This is Big 500 out.

Ten-four. Terre Haute out.

Breaker, breaker,
this is the Big 500
calling any Ionely Hoosiers

out there on the
the Pacific Coast. Come on.

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

It sure would be nice
to actually water-ski

instead of just listening
to the motor all the time.

Got to get it
running right.

ROCKFORD ON CB:
Calling all Hoosiers...

It's a fetish with you.

...invite you
to our big reunion
at San Simeon campground.

What'd he say?

Never mind, it's not
worth talking about.

Not you!
That guy on the CB!

Calling any Hoosiers
out there,
we want to invite you

to our big reunion
at San Simeon campground,
high noon today. Come on.

Hey good buddy,
you say you're
a fellow Hoosier, did you?

Ten-four, this is Big 500
out of the Brickyard,
who've I got?

This is the Queen of Peru,
Big 500.

Hey, all right. All right.
Where you now, Queen of Peru?
Come on.

Up here looking at one of the
prettiest views you ever
saw west of Indiana dunes!

Hey, what's this
about a reunion, come on?

Yeah, sure, the reunion.
Where are you exactly,
Queen of Peru?

We'd sure like to yak with
our fellow Hoosiers.

Hey, great. Where are you now,
Queen of Peru?

Tuna Canyon campground,
Big 500. We could bring
some potato salad.

My better half makes one,
knocks these store-bought
deals into a cocked hat.

Yeah, potato salad.
Sounds great. Out.

Hey! Little Wronko. Wronko!
Scott! Come here.

Hold it. Hold it. Hey, Scott.

It's Sean.
Yeah, all right.
I'm sorry. Sean.

Hey, son.

No need to be upset.
Where's your dad, huh?

GINGER: There's a camper park
just ahead,
off the main highway.

LOU: What, another one?

The boy made an
honest mistake. He confused
your barbecue with ours.

I told him, Dad.
I told him
it was a rip off.

Look. Mr. Wronko,
where is the barbecue?

I'm glad, son, I'm glad.
Face the music like a man.

You put your dad in
a hell of a spot
trying to cover for you.

Don't put it all
on Seany, Carl.

You liked Mr. Rockford's
barbecue better than ours.
You said so.

Let's not worry
about that, folks?

Where is the barbecue?
You didn't clean it out,
did you?

Sure we did.
That thing was really greasy.

Where? Where are the ashes?

Back a ways. Why?

Carl, don't be a but-insky.

It was somewhere between here
and Malibu. Halfway maybe.

I couldn't say exactly where.
I'd have to show you.

Okay, let's go.
Whoa, wait a minute.
This is our last weekend.

I'm due at the office
in five days.

You're talking about me
going back with you
some 100 or so miles?

That'll eat up this whole day,
ruin our ETA
for Hearst Castle.

Wronko, you stole my barbecue!

Don't tell me about
your inconveniences.

You can have your barbecue.

Now about those ashes, well,
I'm just as sorry as hell.

But before I go through
a whole a lot of gas,

I wanna know why.
Sure sounds a little suspect
to me.

Wronko, if I were you,
I'd send my family away,

because I've been
more than patient with you.

Now you get your tail
down that road,

or you're gonna spend
the rest of your vacation
in a body cast.

LOU: Maybe we should stop
and get something to eat.
GINGER: No time.

The Borlund diamond?

I saw a picture of that once
in the Peru Times-Mirror.
It's incredible.

That's right. You dumped it
somewhere on Highway One
with your steak bones.

Now, let's shake it.

I'm not going back with you,
Rockford, unless you agree to

split the recovery fee
with us.

Wronko, I'm afraid
you've logged too many hours
in your oil drum.

Now see, I'm in the
insurance business myself,

and I know which way
the wind blows.

You probably sell
life insurance to farmers.

I'm talking about a world
renowned diamond.

I sell life insurance. Sure.
I made the Million Dollar Club
last year.

But I also do a little
fire and theft.

I wrote a policy on all
the band instruments
at Peru High. $17,000.

Trombones or diamonds,
the principles are the same.

Companies pay to
get things back.

I'm through playing
with you. You stole from me.

The only thing we're gonna
split is your lip.

You don't have to take
that from this guy.
Belt him one!

You're right,
son, thank you.

But I know that, so just
be quiet, please?

[CRASHING]

What happened?
Look at the wheels.

Ah, I was backing out and
my youngest was supposed
to be guiding me.

Well, he don't judge distances
too good, that boy.
I'm sure sorry.

I'll drive you down the coast.

But you're going to have
to rethink your attitude
on the recovery fee.

Move that thing
out of there.

Some Jell-O mold?
No. Thanks.

She's running real smooth,
huh, Dad?
Sure is, Son.

You stop sulking,
young lady.

Three weeks I've been waiting
for you to let me
call Joey long distance!

Then I get interrupted because
of this stupid diamond.

Joey Pellegrino can sure
as hell wait.

His name's not
Joey Pellegrino! I keep
telling you it's Joey Sick.

He's sick all right.

Will you watch
the road, Wronko?

I don't want to miss
your dumping ground.

Up on the left here,
about another mile.
There's another campground.

Seems like we've been
to 100 of them already.



Ginger! That camper
that just passed.
It had Indiana plates!

And it said Peru on it.
I seen it!

Well, use your loaf!
Turn around!

[HORN HONKING]

Fella wants me
to pull over.

Guess he thinks
he owns the road.

Pull over. Pull over.

Okay, buddy! Come on!

Hey! That guy at the back.
It's one of the clowns
from the ransom meeting!

He's got a shotgun!
Sideswipe them.
Go ahead!

Sideswipe him! Whack him!

[HORN BLARING]

Drop back.
I'll go for the tire.

SHAREEN: Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy!

I can't handle her
with a tire blown!

They're gonna k*ll us!
They're gonna k*ll us all!

Stop screaming and
concentrate on driving!

Daddy, I'm scared now.

Wronko, try to ram them!

You all right?

There's a guy in here
who's sh*t. Pretty bad,
I think.

Take care of it.

All right, come on out.

Don't anybody get me irritated
at this point, all right?

Somebody call
the Highway Patrol!

It's all right, Contessa,
it's all right.

How bad is it?
He'll be okay.

I told you not to
cut the wheel, didn't I?

Uh-huh. Right.
I see.

Uh-huh. Certainly.

Boston F&C has
made its determination.

You were correct, Mr. Wronko.
The company has elected to
pay a recovery fee.

Five-tenths of one percent.

What'd I tell you, Dottie!
What'd I tell you!
Five-tenths of one percent.

Let's see, that's...

$15,000.

Right. Right.

Split 50-50,
that's $7,500 for us.

Mr. Wronko, the insurance
agency you work for...

Ed Poe and Associates,
Peru, Indiana?

They handle Boston Fire
and Casualty auto policies,
is that right?

Among others. But they're
the best. Why?

Well, let me read to you from
the company's 1962 directives,
title C, paragraph 14.

"No employee of Boston Fire
and Casualty Company
or of any of its affiliates

"may be eligible for any bonus
attendant upon the recovery
of stolen items,

"beyond the regular
salary paid that employee

"should his primary area
of responsibility be
the recovery of said items."

Huh?
I'm sorry.

But they found the guy
that took the million.

The company's not out of
one thin dime!

I know how you must feel.
It just doesn't seem right.

I mean you played a part
in the recovery of
that diamond,

you should be
compensated for the part
you played.

I'll tell you what you do.
You keep the barbecue.

It's all right.
She's all yours.

I'll throw in a can of
lighter fluid and a half a bag
of those briquettes outside.

What do you say to that?

I think we've said
about all we have to say
to each other.

I guess we have.
You have a nice cook-out, now.

Dad, I've figured out
our ETA to Barstow.

We should be there by 10:00,


There's no need to yell.
Where's your sister?

She went up the road
to the little league field
with that lifeguard guy.

Well, thank the Lord
for small favors.

He seemed like a nice boy
anyway.

We'll stop for her.

Now, you all have
a nice trip.

Look, Rockford... I...
Well, I went off half-cocked.

I jumped the g*n.

I...

You're sorry?

Right.

[CRASHING]

Oh brother,
would you look at that!

It's sheared, huh, Dad?

Well of course it's sheared!
I can see that, can't I?

We're looking at a
$300 repair bill, Dot!

We're going to have to
bivouac here
another couple of days.

Go ask Rockford
if we can use his phone.