08x04 - The Baby Quiz
Posted: 01/13/24 13:33
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ooh oh ooh ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[theme music]
Mary Anne! Mary Anne!
He’s almost here!
The mailman’s almost here!
He’s only three doors away
and he’s got
the letters that
we’ve been waiting for!
‐Oh! Oh!
‐Oh!
(Larry)
’Oh, hey, hey! Oh.’
What’s Balki so excited about?
Is it some, uh,
Myposian holiday?
Did Mud Day sneak
up on us again?
Mud Day is not until next week
but if I were you two,
I’d be getting my hats ready!
’Oh!’
Well, uh, mail call.
Why, look at this, Mary Anne.
You and I got a letter from
"The Baby Quiz" television show.
‐Oh!
‐And...
Look, Jennifer and Cousin Larry
got a letter from them, too.
What a completely
unplanned coincidence!
Well, what would some stupid
game show want with us?
Well, how would we know?
Why are you staring at us?
Why are you boring holes
through us
with your accusing,
questioning eyes?
What, what makes you
think we know?
We, we don’t have a clue.
Do we have a clue?
‐Clueless! Clueless!
‐Clueless! Absolutely clueless!
And we don’t appreciate
the insinuation.
Well, something tells me
you’re behind this, Balki.
[sniggers]
Whatever... What‐what‐whatever
would you say that for, cousin?
Well, the address says "Jennifer
and Cousin Larry Appleton."
Well, I guess you caught
us with our pants on.
Um, when Mary Anne and I found
out that "The Baby Quiz" show
was looking for new contestants
we thought it would be
wild, wacky, whimsical fun
for both families to be on
at the same time.
So, after filling out 800
of our own applications...
...we quickly scribbled
out one for you.
Open yours first.
The suspense is k*lling me!
‐We were accepted!
‐Hot doggy!
Now we all can be on together!
No, we won’t.
We were rejected.
Oh, Balki!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Now there, there, my little
cement mixer. Don’t be sad.
Now, listen.
Just because we filled out
Cousin Larry and Jennifer’s
winning application and, and
had 800 of our own rejected
that’s no reason
to be upset.
Right?
We are very...
...ha‐ha‐happy for you.
[sobbing]
Well, thank you, Balki,
but, uh
I‐I don’t think we’ll be going
on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I am not about to let my wife
and unborn child be exploited
just so that we can win
a year’s supply of baby wipes.
Larry, I think it would be fun.
No! No, no!
My mind is absolutely made up.
Balki, why, why don’t
you take this letter
and try to go on in our place?
Cousin...
I am so touched.
It is so generous of you
to give up your chance
to win your child
a college scholarship.
College scholarship?
To the school of your choice.
Well, you know, it does
have our name on it
and we don’t want to, uh
deceive those nice
game show people.
So I guess, uh, we will be
going on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I don’t want to do this.
Why do we have to do this?
Come on, Larry.
It’ll make ’em happy,
Hello, everybody!
Let’s give a big
"Baby Quiz" welcome
to our host, Lance Edwards!
It’s really Balki.
["The Baby Quiz" theme music]
Thank you.
He’s wearing my suit.
And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".
The show that poses
the age‐old question
"Hey, you’re havin’
a baby and now what?"
[guffaws]
Alright, I’m Lance Edwards
and this is my lovely
"Baby Quiz" co‐hostess, Tyanna.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Mwah!
‐Mwah!
Oh!
Alright, Tyanna, let’s meet
our first contestants.
Please welcome
Larry and Jennifer Appleton
from Chicago, Illinois.
Jennifer is eight
months pregnant
and hasn’t seen
her feet since February!
’Thank you, Tyanna.’
As you know, this is how
"The Baby Quiz" works.
We’ll ask you questions
about your pregnancy
while your spouse is secured
in our soundproof booth.
’Tyanna?’
Later on, we’ll reunite you
and we’ll see how
your answers compare.
The couple with the most matches
wins. Isn’t that something?
Tell them what they’ll win,
Johnny!
A trip to Mexico!
Our winning couple will
fiesta and frolic
at the fabulous
Corona del Corona Hideaway!
They’ll swim
in crystal tide pools
and enjoy sumptuous meals
at the Cafeteria Corona.
’All prizes non‐transferable,
subject to availability.’
Holidays and weekends excluded
and it’s all for you
from "The Baby Quiz!"
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[giggles]
Wow!
Alright, round one.
Each question’s
worth ten points.
Tyanna, has Cousin
Larry Appleton
been secured in the special
soundproof booth?
[laughs]
All secured!
Alright!
Jennifer, we’ll start with you.
’Jennifer, you’re lovely.’
I love the crazy little
flip in your hair.
You and I had chatted backstage
and you’d mentioned that,
uh, this has been
a particularly difficult
pregnancy for you.
Is that right?
And that you’ve been
under a lot of stress
and you’ve developed kind
of a quirky little nervous tick.
Is that right?
Come on, let’s see it.
’Let’s see your little
nervous tick.’
’There it is and it’s adorable!’
Well, you’ll be happy
to know the first question
has nothing to do with your
crazy, quirky little tick.
Jennifer...since
you’ve been pregnant
which part of your
body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half...
or your lower half?
It’s my lower half.
I get terrible leg cramps.
Alright, let’s bring back
Cousin Larry Appleton
and see how well he knows
the mother of his child.
[laughs]
Alright!
Alright, Cousin Larry Appleton,
it’s good to have you back.
Your wife is lovely.
And you and I were chatting
backstage earlier.
And you mentioned to me that
one of your greatest fears...
...is that your unborn
child might inherit
your short, stubby legs
and your hammer toes.
Your hammer toes. Father
had them, they’re no fun.
’You’ll be happy to know...’
’...your first question...’
[laughs]
Alright!
Your first question,
we asked Jennifer
"Jennifer, since
you’ve been pregnant
"which part of your
body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half
or your lower half?"
Easy question.
She has constant headaches
and a stiff neck.
Definitely upper half.
Ooh! I’m sorry!
No, she said that
she had leg cramps.
That’d be lower half.
Larry, I get leg
cramps every night.
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other?
Have we met?
Hey, th‐that’s just
the first question.
Th‐the next question’s probably
going to be something about
food cravings and‐and
I happen to know
you have a thing
for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts, I knew that.
[upbeat music]
Larry, this is making
me nervous.
We played this game with Balki
for two hours yesterday
and didn’t get
a single answer right.
We’re gonna make fools
of ourselves on television.
We are not going to make fools
of ourselves on television.
Look, if we just answer
the questions
the way we practiced
this morning
everything will be fine.
What if they don’t
ask those questions?
I have a hunch they will.
Hey, hey, hey!
Here’s my lucky contestants!
How are you? Ha, ha, ha.
Oh‐oh! Who’s got a bun
in the oven, huh?
[laughs]
Alright.
I‐I‐I guess that would be us.
Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.
Well, nice to meet you,
Appletons.
[laughs]
Mary Anne, it’s‐it’s him!
It’s Lance Edwards!
And you must be my other
lucky contestants.
No. We applied, but we were
unfortunately overlooked.
Eight hundred times.
But we have front row tickets!
Lance, I’m sorry. I just cannot
keep it to myself any longer.
You are my favorite
game show host!
Uh, Lance,
we have a problem.
Yeah, don’t worry,
I can handle him.
No, no, uh, the other game show
contestants went into labor.
They’re on their way
to the hospital.
Ooh, well, that’s too bad.
I guess that means,
uh, we win by default.
Uh no, no. Actually,
that happens all the time.
We’ll just, uh, pick another
couple from our studio audience.
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Alright. Here’s kind
of a kooky thought.
How about you two?
Oh, Lance!
That’s a dream come true!
‐Lance, capture the moment.
‐Oh, sure.
‐You got to advance it.
‐Oh, alright!
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody!
It’s time to play...
‐The Baby Quiz!
‐The Baby Quiz!
So daddies, if you’ll follow
our hostess, the lovely Tyanna
to our soundproof booth
we’re going to ask your wives
a series of questions
and then bring you back out
to see how your answers compare.
[both laugh]
‐Alright!
‐Alright!
Alright. Jen, we’re prepared,
we’re gonna be great, right?
Right.
[upbeat music]
Tyanna. I’ve always
wanted to meet you.
I read your book.
And I thought
your layman’s slant
on the Middle East
was mesmerizing.
I especially liked
that chapter called
"There’s No Such Thing
as Too Much Moisturizer."
You have no pores
in your skin, do you?
Hey, cousin,
can you believe it?
We got inside the booth!
It’s kind of like
a big fish t*nk, isn’t it?
Alright. Let’s begin
"The Baby Quiz."
I hope they could get
a good shot of this
on the special booth camera.
Special booth camera?
Yeah, it’s a special camera
and they have it
focused on the booth.
It’s called
"The Special Booth Camera."
’Cause they love to get
sh*ts of the daddies making
fools of themselves.
Well, they are not going
to get any sh*ts of you
or me making fools
of ourselves, alright?
So let’s just,
let’s just, keep quiet.
Why we have to keep quiet?
It’s a soundproof booth.
Nobody can hear us.
Let’s see if it works.
Mary Anne!
Ladies, how much weight
have you gained
so far during your pregnancy?
Cousin, it really does work!
Well, I’ll be my uncle’s monkey!
We can say anything you want!
Mary Anne!
Okay, alright, that’s enough.
That’s enough, alright?
Let’s just, let’s just
keep quiet now. Okay?
Let’s just be quiet
and just behave ourselves.
Whoa!
Those lights are so bright
they hurting my eyes.
Studio lights
have to be bright...
Yeah, but they’re so bright,
I can’t even look anywhere.
Don’t stare into them.
‐Don’t stare into them.
‐What am I gonna look at?
‐Look at something else.
‐There’s nothing I can see.
Just look at something else.
I’m gonna look
at something else?
Look at something
else, you’ll be fine.
‐Alright.
‐Huh...
Cousin, you know
what the problem is?
Those lights draw me.
They draw me.
They are penetrating.
They fascinate me.
I cannot stop!
I know they’re frying
my retinas.
But I just cannot take my eyes
off them! I’m trying to be good.
I’m trying to look where
you told me to look.
But I cannot! I cannot!
Look at those lights!
Alright. Alright.
Okay. Okay.
Cousin, if I don’t
change places with you
I’m gonna go
out of my mind!
Alright, let’s switch places.
‐Let’s just switch places.
‐Alright, alright.
And just sit down and please
just try not to embarrass me.
Jennifer, what animal will your
husband say best describes you
during your pregnancy?
Animal describes you
during your pregnancy?
Why hide behind
a question, Lance?
Let’s face it,
I’m, I’m a whale.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Well, I’m trying
to get comfortable.
This chair is like iron.
You sat in this for all
that time and you...
This is unbelievably
uncomfortable! It’s so hard!
It’s like, what is this? Is this
some kind of t*rture instrument?
And it looks just like
the chair I was just in.
That’s the interesting bit.
I mean... Any... With my...
If I lean...
Maybe if I just kind of lean...
Could I put my head
partially on, on you, maybe?
Alright, let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want
to switch places.
Let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want
to switch places.
I like my new place.
Because when I sit over there,
the light’s in my eyes.
‐Alright, fine.
‐I like my new place.
I don’t have any problem
with where I am.
‐Fine. Fine.
‐It’s the chair I want.
I have to have that chair
in order to be comfortable
because this chair is some kind
of iron maiden t*rture thing
and I don’t like it.
‐Impossible to get comfy.
‐No.
‐Well, I want that chair.
‐No.
‐Just give me the chair!
‐No.
Cousin, I want that chair!
I’m gonna go crazy
if I don’t get that chair!
Now get out of it!
Stop it! Stop it!
Put it back! Put it back!
Stop it! Stop it!
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
Cousin Larry is not
switching chairs!
Cousin Larry is not moving!
In fact, Cousin Larry
is just going to sit here
and pretend that he
doesn’t even know you!
Cousin.
I’m sorry, have we met?
Now, we’re moving on to
the third trimester round
where the points are doubled
and you can really fatten up...
...your score, that is!
[guffaws]
Alright.
Hey.
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.
Hmm?
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.
I know. No, I don’t.
Yes, you do.
Let me see that shoe!
Not this shoe. This one says,
"Little Man’s Footwear."
Sure, of course there’s writing
on the bottom of my shoe.
Because, because that’s, uh,
that’s, that’s, that’s, uh...
That’s, that’s
my Christmas list.
And, uh, and well, well
I can’t let you see it
because I, I don’t want
to spoil the surprise.
[chuckles]
[chuckling continues]
Ah‐ha!
Jennifer’s favorite
food is pop tarts!
So this is your
Christmas list, eh?
’Okay, think now, if your
husband were a tree’
’what kind of tree would he be?’
‐This is no Christmas list!
‐Ow!
These are the answers
to the game show!
You’ve been cheating!
‐Get up here!
‐Ow!
You know what? Cheating
is a revolting practice.
Balki, I couldn’t help it!
‐There’s the camera! The cam...
‐Camera! The camera.
[indistinct muttering]
Don’t you see? I had no choice!
When I couldn’t match answers
with Jennifer yesterday
I panicked!
So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"
and I told them I was doing
a story on the show
and they sent me a 150
questions as research.
And I only did it so I could
win a scholarship for my child.
Cousin, I’m sorry, but
I cannot condone this cheating.
I’m gonna tell Lance.
I’m gonna stop the game.
‐Oh, you’re gonna tell Lance?
‐Yes, I’m gonna tell Lance.
You’re gonna turn me in!
I just hope you can live
with the consequences!
What consequences?
A child’s shattered dreams.
A child’s pain,
his sorrow, his agony!
Look, Balki! Look!
On that, on that college campus
you see happy students off to
their first day of class!
Oh, but, but there’s
one little boy
who, who just stands
and watches.
It’s Larry Junior!
And the other students
just point
and laugh as they
go on their way.
They’re, they’re playing
keep‐away with his dreams.
And he wants to go to class.
He wants to go but he can’t!
He can’t because his Uncle Balki
robbed him of his
college scholarship!
Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!
He’s, he’s,
he’s starting to cry.
Look...
His, his little tears dropping
into his empty notebook.
Look.
You see him, Balki?
Do you see him
crying out there?
Oh, God! My boy.
[sobbing]
Help him, help him!
You know what?
There’s nothing out there.
There’s just nothing out there.
You always point, I always look.
There’s nothing out there.
I’ve just realized this is
a sick game you’ve been
playing with Balki for six years
and I’m tired of it.
Just tired of it.
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ll be getting those
answers off the bottom
of your foot.
Since you became
pregnant, ladies
are you most comfortable
sleeping on your side...
[humming "Baby Quiz" theme song]
Larry, I’m glad Balki
turned you in. You deserved it.
Actually, Jennifer, I didn’t
have to turn Cousin Larry in.
The game show people saw
the writing on his feet
when we knocked the booth over
and they had to pry us out
with the jaws of life.
If you ask me,
those game show people
take their jobs
way too seriously.
Oh, I don’t know, Larry.
They did let Balki and me finish
the game with another couple.
And we did win that
college scholarship
for...little Robespierre
or Marge.
Come on, Mary Anne. Let’s get
something to eat. I’m hungry.
Good news, I hid some
cookies in the cupboard.
‐Found ’em.
‐Ice cream in the fridge?
‐Had it.
‐Pastrami in the pantry?
Ate it.
Well...
...Balki...I did it again.
And I reached
for the brass ring...
...wound up with a...bill
for a broken
Plexiglas sound‐proof booth.
Well, cousin, there’s
nothing wrong with wanting
a college education
for your child.
It’s just the lying, cheating
deceitful way
you went about it.
But anyway, I, I got them
to give you a parting gift
just as if you were
an honest contestant.
‐You got me a parting gift?
‐I surely did.
Well, that’s very nice of you.
What’d you get me?
Tell them, Johnny!
"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"
Now, Cousin Larry Appleton
can play "The Baby Quiz"
every night!
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[laughs]
Alright!
[theme music]
That’d be lower half and again,
I mentioned you get no points.
Larry, I get leg cramps
every night.
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other?
Have we met?
Hey, this is j‐just
the first question.
And the next question
is probably going to be
something about
food cravings and, and
I happen to know you have
a thing for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts. I knew that.
’Johnny?’
We’ll be right back after
a message from our sponsors.
Ladies, unsightly varicose veins
got you down?
Try new flesh‐colored
Hidey Hose.
One size fits all.
Back to you, Lance.
Thank you, Johnny.
No problem, Lance.
[laughs]
Who am I? Alright.
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ooh oh ooh ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[theme music]
Mary Anne! Mary Anne!
He’s almost here!
The mailman’s almost here!
He’s only three doors away
and he’s got
the letters that
we’ve been waiting for!
‐Oh! Oh!
‐Oh!
(Larry)
’Oh, hey, hey! Oh.’
What’s Balki so excited about?
Is it some, uh,
Myposian holiday?
Did Mud Day sneak
up on us again?
Mud Day is not until next week
but if I were you two,
I’d be getting my hats ready!
’Oh!’
Well, uh, mail call.
Why, look at this, Mary Anne.
You and I got a letter from
"The Baby Quiz" television show.
‐Oh!
‐And...
Look, Jennifer and Cousin Larry
got a letter from them, too.
What a completely
unplanned coincidence!
Well, what would some stupid
game show want with us?
Well, how would we know?
Why are you staring at us?
Why are you boring holes
through us
with your accusing,
questioning eyes?
What, what makes you
think we know?
We, we don’t have a clue.
Do we have a clue?
‐Clueless! Clueless!
‐Clueless! Absolutely clueless!
And we don’t appreciate
the insinuation.
Well, something tells me
you’re behind this, Balki.
[sniggers]
Whatever... What‐what‐whatever
would you say that for, cousin?
Well, the address says "Jennifer
and Cousin Larry Appleton."
Well, I guess you caught
us with our pants on.
Um, when Mary Anne and I found
out that "The Baby Quiz" show
was looking for new contestants
we thought it would be
wild, wacky, whimsical fun
for both families to be on
at the same time.
So, after filling out 800
of our own applications...
...we quickly scribbled
out one for you.
Open yours first.
The suspense is k*lling me!
‐We were accepted!
‐Hot doggy!
Now we all can be on together!
No, we won’t.
We were rejected.
Oh, Balki!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Now there, there, my little
cement mixer. Don’t be sad.
Now, listen.
Just because we filled out
Cousin Larry and Jennifer’s
winning application and, and
had 800 of our own rejected
that’s no reason
to be upset.
Right?
We are very...
...ha‐ha‐happy for you.
[sobbing]
Well, thank you, Balki,
but, uh
I‐I don’t think we’ll be going
on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I am not about to let my wife
and unborn child be exploited
just so that we can win
a year’s supply of baby wipes.
Larry, I think it would be fun.
No! No, no!
My mind is absolutely made up.
Balki, why, why don’t
you take this letter
and try to go on in our place?
Cousin...
I am so touched.
It is so generous of you
to give up your chance
to win your child
a college scholarship.
College scholarship?
To the school of your choice.
Well, you know, it does
have our name on it
and we don’t want to, uh
deceive those nice
game show people.
So I guess, uh, we will be
going on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I don’t want to do this.
Why do we have to do this?
Come on, Larry.
It’ll make ’em happy,
Hello, everybody!
Let’s give a big
"Baby Quiz" welcome
to our host, Lance Edwards!
It’s really Balki.
["The Baby Quiz" theme music]
Thank you.
He’s wearing my suit.
And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".
The show that poses
the age‐old question
"Hey, you’re havin’
a baby and now what?"
[guffaws]
Alright, I’m Lance Edwards
and this is my lovely
"Baby Quiz" co‐hostess, Tyanna.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Mwah!
‐Mwah!
Oh!
Alright, Tyanna, let’s meet
our first contestants.
Please welcome
Larry and Jennifer Appleton
from Chicago, Illinois.
Jennifer is eight
months pregnant
and hasn’t seen
her feet since February!
’Thank you, Tyanna.’
As you know, this is how
"The Baby Quiz" works.
We’ll ask you questions
about your pregnancy
while your spouse is secured
in our soundproof booth.
’Tyanna?’
Later on, we’ll reunite you
and we’ll see how
your answers compare.
The couple with the most matches
wins. Isn’t that something?
Tell them what they’ll win,
Johnny!
A trip to Mexico!
Our winning couple will
fiesta and frolic
at the fabulous
Corona del Corona Hideaway!
They’ll swim
in crystal tide pools
and enjoy sumptuous meals
at the Cafeteria Corona.
’All prizes non‐transferable,
subject to availability.’
Holidays and weekends excluded
and it’s all for you
from "The Baby Quiz!"
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[giggles]
Wow!
Alright, round one.
Each question’s
worth ten points.
Tyanna, has Cousin
Larry Appleton
been secured in the special
soundproof booth?
[laughs]
All secured!
Alright!
Jennifer, we’ll start with you.
’Jennifer, you’re lovely.’
I love the crazy little
flip in your hair.
You and I had chatted backstage
and you’d mentioned that,
uh, this has been
a particularly difficult
pregnancy for you.
Is that right?
And that you’ve been
under a lot of stress
and you’ve developed kind
of a quirky little nervous tick.
Is that right?
Come on, let’s see it.
’Let’s see your little
nervous tick.’
’There it is and it’s adorable!’
Well, you’ll be happy
to know the first question
has nothing to do with your
crazy, quirky little tick.
Jennifer...since
you’ve been pregnant
which part of your
body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half...
or your lower half?
It’s my lower half.
I get terrible leg cramps.
Alright, let’s bring back
Cousin Larry Appleton
and see how well he knows
the mother of his child.
[laughs]
Alright!
Alright, Cousin Larry Appleton,
it’s good to have you back.
Your wife is lovely.
And you and I were chatting
backstage earlier.
And you mentioned to me that
one of your greatest fears...
...is that your unborn
child might inherit
your short, stubby legs
and your hammer toes.
Your hammer toes. Father
had them, they’re no fun.
’You’ll be happy to know...’
’...your first question...’
[laughs]
Alright!
Your first question,
we asked Jennifer
"Jennifer, since
you’ve been pregnant
"which part of your
body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half
or your lower half?"
Easy question.
She has constant headaches
and a stiff neck.
Definitely upper half.
Ooh! I’m sorry!
No, she said that
she had leg cramps.
That’d be lower half.
Larry, I get leg
cramps every night.
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other?
Have we met?
Hey, th‐that’s just
the first question.
Th‐the next question’s probably
going to be something about
food cravings and‐and
I happen to know
you have a thing
for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts, I knew that.
[upbeat music]
Larry, this is making
me nervous.
We played this game with Balki
for two hours yesterday
and didn’t get
a single answer right.
We’re gonna make fools
of ourselves on television.
We are not going to make fools
of ourselves on television.
Look, if we just answer
the questions
the way we practiced
this morning
everything will be fine.
What if they don’t
ask those questions?
I have a hunch they will.
Hey, hey, hey!
Here’s my lucky contestants!
How are you? Ha, ha, ha.
Oh‐oh! Who’s got a bun
in the oven, huh?
[laughs]
Alright.
I‐I‐I guess that would be us.
Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.
Well, nice to meet you,
Appletons.
[laughs]
Mary Anne, it’s‐it’s him!
It’s Lance Edwards!
And you must be my other
lucky contestants.
No. We applied, but we were
unfortunately overlooked.
Eight hundred times.
But we have front row tickets!
Lance, I’m sorry. I just cannot
keep it to myself any longer.
You are my favorite
game show host!
Uh, Lance,
we have a problem.
Yeah, don’t worry,
I can handle him.
No, no, uh, the other game show
contestants went into labor.
They’re on their way
to the hospital.
Ooh, well, that’s too bad.
I guess that means,
uh, we win by default.
Uh no, no. Actually,
that happens all the time.
We’ll just, uh, pick another
couple from our studio audience.
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Alright. Here’s kind
of a kooky thought.
How about you two?
Oh, Lance!
That’s a dream come true!
‐Lance, capture the moment.
‐Oh, sure.
‐You got to advance it.
‐Oh, alright!
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody!
It’s time to play...
‐The Baby Quiz!
‐The Baby Quiz!
So daddies, if you’ll follow
our hostess, the lovely Tyanna
to our soundproof booth
we’re going to ask your wives
a series of questions
and then bring you back out
to see how your answers compare.
[both laugh]
‐Alright!
‐Alright!
Alright. Jen, we’re prepared,
we’re gonna be great, right?
Right.
[upbeat music]
Tyanna. I’ve always
wanted to meet you.
I read your book.
And I thought
your layman’s slant
on the Middle East
was mesmerizing.
I especially liked
that chapter called
"There’s No Such Thing
as Too Much Moisturizer."
You have no pores
in your skin, do you?
Hey, cousin,
can you believe it?
We got inside the booth!
It’s kind of like
a big fish t*nk, isn’t it?
Alright. Let’s begin
"The Baby Quiz."
I hope they could get
a good shot of this
on the special booth camera.
Special booth camera?
Yeah, it’s a special camera
and they have it
focused on the booth.
It’s called
"The Special Booth Camera."
’Cause they love to get
sh*ts of the daddies making
fools of themselves.
Well, they are not going
to get any sh*ts of you
or me making fools
of ourselves, alright?
So let’s just,
let’s just, keep quiet.
Why we have to keep quiet?
It’s a soundproof booth.
Nobody can hear us.
Let’s see if it works.
Mary Anne!
Ladies, how much weight
have you gained
so far during your pregnancy?
Cousin, it really does work!
Well, I’ll be my uncle’s monkey!
We can say anything you want!
Mary Anne!
Okay, alright, that’s enough.
That’s enough, alright?
Let’s just, let’s just
keep quiet now. Okay?
Let’s just be quiet
and just behave ourselves.
Whoa!
Those lights are so bright
they hurting my eyes.
Studio lights
have to be bright...
Yeah, but they’re so bright,
I can’t even look anywhere.
Don’t stare into them.
‐Don’t stare into them.
‐What am I gonna look at?
‐Look at something else.
‐There’s nothing I can see.
Just look at something else.
I’m gonna look
at something else?
Look at something
else, you’ll be fine.
‐Alright.
‐Huh...
Cousin, you know
what the problem is?
Those lights draw me.
They draw me.
They are penetrating.
They fascinate me.
I cannot stop!
I know they’re frying
my retinas.
But I just cannot take my eyes
off them! I’m trying to be good.
I’m trying to look where
you told me to look.
But I cannot! I cannot!
Look at those lights!
Alright. Alright.
Okay. Okay.
Cousin, if I don’t
change places with you
I’m gonna go
out of my mind!
Alright, let’s switch places.
‐Let’s just switch places.
‐Alright, alright.
And just sit down and please
just try not to embarrass me.
Jennifer, what animal will your
husband say best describes you
during your pregnancy?
Animal describes you
during your pregnancy?
Why hide behind
a question, Lance?
Let’s face it,
I’m, I’m a whale.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Well, I’m trying
to get comfortable.
This chair is like iron.
You sat in this for all
that time and you...
This is unbelievably
uncomfortable! It’s so hard!
It’s like, what is this? Is this
some kind of t*rture instrument?
And it looks just like
the chair I was just in.
That’s the interesting bit.
I mean... Any... With my...
If I lean...
Maybe if I just kind of lean...
Could I put my head
partially on, on you, maybe?
Alright, let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want
to switch places.
Let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want
to switch places.
I like my new place.
Because when I sit over there,
the light’s in my eyes.
‐Alright, fine.
‐I like my new place.
I don’t have any problem
with where I am.
‐Fine. Fine.
‐It’s the chair I want.
I have to have that chair
in order to be comfortable
because this chair is some kind
of iron maiden t*rture thing
and I don’t like it.
‐Impossible to get comfy.
‐No.
‐Well, I want that chair.
‐No.
‐Just give me the chair!
‐No.
Cousin, I want that chair!
I’m gonna go crazy
if I don’t get that chair!
Now get out of it!
Stop it! Stop it!
Put it back! Put it back!
Stop it! Stop it!
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
Cousin Larry is not
switching chairs!
Cousin Larry is not moving!
In fact, Cousin Larry
is just going to sit here
and pretend that he
doesn’t even know you!
Cousin.
I’m sorry, have we met?
Now, we’re moving on to
the third trimester round
where the points are doubled
and you can really fatten up...
...your score, that is!
[guffaws]
Alright.
Hey.
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.
Hmm?
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.
I know. No, I don’t.
Yes, you do.
Let me see that shoe!
Not this shoe. This one says,
"Little Man’s Footwear."
Sure, of course there’s writing
on the bottom of my shoe.
Because, because that’s, uh,
that’s, that’s, that’s, uh...
That’s, that’s
my Christmas list.
And, uh, and well, well
I can’t let you see it
because I, I don’t want
to spoil the surprise.
[chuckles]
[chuckling continues]
Ah‐ha!
Jennifer’s favorite
food is pop tarts!
So this is your
Christmas list, eh?
’Okay, think now, if your
husband were a tree’
’what kind of tree would he be?’
‐This is no Christmas list!
‐Ow!
These are the answers
to the game show!
You’ve been cheating!
‐Get up here!
‐Ow!
You know what? Cheating
is a revolting practice.
Balki, I couldn’t help it!
‐There’s the camera! The cam...
‐Camera! The camera.
[indistinct muttering]
Don’t you see? I had no choice!
When I couldn’t match answers
with Jennifer yesterday
I panicked!
So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"
and I told them I was doing
a story on the show
and they sent me a 150
questions as research.
And I only did it so I could
win a scholarship for my child.
Cousin, I’m sorry, but
I cannot condone this cheating.
I’m gonna tell Lance.
I’m gonna stop the game.
‐Oh, you’re gonna tell Lance?
‐Yes, I’m gonna tell Lance.
You’re gonna turn me in!
I just hope you can live
with the consequences!
What consequences?
A child’s shattered dreams.
A child’s pain,
his sorrow, his agony!
Look, Balki! Look!
On that, on that college campus
you see happy students off to
their first day of class!
Oh, but, but there’s
one little boy
who, who just stands
and watches.
It’s Larry Junior!
And the other students
just point
and laugh as they
go on their way.
They’re, they’re playing
keep‐away with his dreams.
And he wants to go to class.
He wants to go but he can’t!
He can’t because his Uncle Balki
robbed him of his
college scholarship!
Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!
He’s, he’s,
he’s starting to cry.
Look...
His, his little tears dropping
into his empty notebook.
Look.
You see him, Balki?
Do you see him
crying out there?
Oh, God! My boy.
[sobbing]
Help him, help him!
You know what?
There’s nothing out there.
There’s just nothing out there.
You always point, I always look.
There’s nothing out there.
I’ve just realized this is
a sick game you’ve been
playing with Balki for six years
and I’m tired of it.
Just tired of it.
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ll be getting those
answers off the bottom
of your foot.
Since you became
pregnant, ladies
are you most comfortable
sleeping on your side...
[humming "Baby Quiz" theme song]
Larry, I’m glad Balki
turned you in. You deserved it.
Actually, Jennifer, I didn’t
have to turn Cousin Larry in.
The game show people saw
the writing on his feet
when we knocked the booth over
and they had to pry us out
with the jaws of life.
If you ask me,
those game show people
take their jobs
way too seriously.
Oh, I don’t know, Larry.
They did let Balki and me finish
the game with another couple.
And we did win that
college scholarship
for...little Robespierre
or Marge.
Come on, Mary Anne. Let’s get
something to eat. I’m hungry.
Good news, I hid some
cookies in the cupboard.
‐Found ’em.
‐Ice cream in the fridge?
‐Had it.
‐Pastrami in the pantry?
Ate it.
Well...
...Balki...I did it again.
And I reached
for the brass ring...
...wound up with a...bill
for a broken
Plexiglas sound‐proof booth.
Well, cousin, there’s
nothing wrong with wanting
a college education
for your child.
It’s just the lying, cheating
deceitful way
you went about it.
But anyway, I, I got them
to give you a parting gift
just as if you were
an honest contestant.
‐You got me a parting gift?
‐I surely did.
Well, that’s very nice of you.
What’d you get me?
Tell them, Johnny!
"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"
Now, Cousin Larry Appleton
can play "The Baby Quiz"
every night!
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[laughs]
Alright!
[theme music]
That’d be lower half and again,
I mentioned you get no points.
Larry, I get leg cramps
every night.
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other?
Have we met?
Hey, this is j‐just
the first question.
And the next question
is probably going to be
something about
food cravings and, and
I happen to know you have
a thing for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts. I knew that.
’Johnny?’
We’ll be right back after
a message from our sponsors.
Ladies, unsightly varicose veins
got you down?
Try new flesh‐colored
Hidey Hose.
One size fits all.
Back to you, Lance.
Thank you, Johnny.
No problem, Lance.
[laughs]
Who am I? Alright.