04x17 - Prose and Cons

[bunniefuu]

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's going
to stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark
street a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's
going to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Is Balki around?

Well, no, he's not.

Then, hurry up,
Lydia, before he gets here.

Harriette! Harriette!

Oh, hi, baby. Bye, baby.

No. Wait, wait!

This is the day you said
I could drive the elevator.

You big kidder, you.

Don't do that, baby.

Uh, but I've been looking
forward to this all week.

Okay, let's get to it.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I've been practicing
at home in my closet.

Now, now, don't worry.

I remember everything
you‐you teach me.

Balki, make sure you
don't accelerate too fast.

Well, of course, I won't.

Don't be ridiculous.

What does accelerate mean?

[screams]

Gotta remember
to use smaller words.

Appleton.

Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Wainright.

Appleton, that was a great story

you wrote on
the commodities scandal.

Well, thank you, sir. I try to
do my small part for the paper.

Oh, don't be
so modest. It was good.

You should try being
a little more assertive.

Well, how about an office

on the same floor with the other
investigative reporters?

I said assertive, not pushy.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Where did you find
that informant?

‐ What was it you called him?
‐ Sore Throat.

Actually, Balki
came up with the name.

In fact, Balki was
the one who found him.

That's why Balki's name
is on the article, too.

Well, I should say
well done to Bartokomous, too.

Uh, is he around?

Well, Harriette's
letting him drive the elevator.

(Harriette)
'Stop!'

That would be him now.

Wow.

That thing can stop on a dime.

Harriette, I think
I'm going to try it again.

Why don't you
take a breather, baby

while I try finding my contacts?

My God.
I'm shorter!

Balki, Balki,
look who's come to see us.

Mr. Wainright.

It's so nice of you to come down

and‐and join us in our basement.

Well, I‐I just
came by to tell you

what an asset
you've been to Appleton.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Wainright.

I didn't realize..

I didn't realize
I'd made an asset of myself.

Uh, no, no, no, Balki‐‐

I‐I know, I've made
a few mistakes in my time

but I don't think that's
any reason for name‐calling.

No, no, no.
It's not what you think.

He's still
learning the language.

Obviously.

Well, just keep up
the good work, Appleton.

You have a great
future as a reporter.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Now, wasn't that nice
of him to come down here?

Well, to be honest with you

I'm still smarting from
that asset remark.

No, no, no, Balki, an asset
is a good thing. A good thing.

He was paying you a compliment.

‐ Really?
‐ Yes.

Wish I could
have understood this

so I could have
enjoyed the moment.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Where can I find Larry Appleton

and Balki Bartokomous?

‐ I'm Larry Appleton.
‐ I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Oh, I saw your names were on
that commodities scandal story.

Nice work.

Oh, thank you.

We're already celebrities.

What can we do for you?

This is a subpoena.

What...what that is?

Oh, uh, you're
to appear in court

tomorrow before Judge Gideon

and reveal everything you know
about the commodities scandal.

Well, uh, cousin,
I guess you're right.

We are becoming celebrities.

People want us to start
making personal appearances.

[instrumental music]

Okay, cousin,
what if the judge asks you

"How was the inside
information passed?"

Alright, alright,
your honor, uh..

"Each commodity
was given a code name."

If I can give an example..

"Pork bellies
were called porky pigs."

I can elaborate, if you'd like.

No need, cousin. No need.

Wow. You really..

You really have these facts
at your fingernails.

I have to, Balki.

I'm representing "The Chronicle"

in what could be
the trial of the decade.

I have a responsibility to
have all of my facts straight.

Besides, we could
be on television.

Oh, cousin, then that‐that means

we'll have to dress
for the camera.

That means nothing
too busy. No stripes.

And I would recommend
you don't wear yellow

because it makes
you look very pale.

Kind of like that guy
in "Poltergeist 2".

You're gonna die.

‐ Thanks for the tip.
‐ You're welcome.

Hey, cousin, when do I get
to tell the judge what I know?

What do you know?

Well...I've got that right here

in my filing system.

"Your Honor, I have
everything you want to know

"about Sore Throat, right here.

"Name, Waldo Gillings.

"Occupation, driver for
a big Chicago stockbroker.

"Hobby, listening
to his boss make crooked deals

"in the back seat of the Limo."

Balki..

...you can't tell the judge
anything about Sore Throat.

We promised Waldo
that we would not reveal

that he was the source
of our information.

As reporters, we
have to protect people

who come to us with information
they feel should be made public.

They know a reporter will
not divulge their identity.

And that is what
I promised Waldo.

But‐but, cousin, I have heard
that if you don't tell a judge

what he wants to know,
he can send you to jail.

Now, Balki, yes, it's true.

The judge could
have us incarcerated.

Oh, cousin, I don't
want to be set on fire!

No, no.

Not incinerated, incarcerated.

Incarcerated.

It means sent to jail.

But, Balki,
it's a small price to pay.

We have to stand up
for the first amendment.

Sit down.

We have to stand up
for freedom of the press.

Sit down.

We have to stand up..
Sit down!

For the very constitution upon
which this country was founded.

Well, cousin, why you
didn't say so sooner?

I didn't know
we were fighting

for life, puberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.

Well, we are, Balki. We are.

Well, that settles it.

If that judge wants
to know anything

about Sore Throat, we aren't
going to tell him a thing

even if he sends
us to jail forever!

And if he don't like that

he can take it
to the bank and smoke it!

That's the spirit.

And you know
what I think, Balki?

Not really.

Tomorrow when
the judge sees the strength

of our commitment, he's not
going to throw us in jail.

He's going to throw us a parade.

Ha ha!

Does this mean we
missed the parade?

[instrumental music]

It's five big ones, Balki.

We've been in stir
for five hours.

Well, cousin, you
did tell Judge Gideon

that we'd stay in here
until hell warms over.

And I meant it.

‐ Could you believe that judge?
‐ Hmm.

He thought he could break me

by throwing me
in this hole. Ha!

Ha! Yeah..

This cell isn't so bad.

It's not as bad as
the one I was in on Mypos.

It's got nice bunk beds
and ru‐running water.

Judge Gideon didn't know
who he was dealing with.

We're..
You were in jail?

What for?

Kidnapping.

You were arrested
for kidnapping?

Yeah, I was
accused of a 506..

Stealing a baby goat.

Oh. Kid‐napping.

But it was all a mistake.
A mistake, I tell you.

The‐the baby goat
had a rotten home life and..

...used to like to
hang around with me.

I gave him a lot of
positive ego re‐inforcement.

So, you've been
behind bars before.

Yeah, we‐well, on‐on Mypos.

Their cell don't have bars.

‐ No bars?
‐ No, no.

On Mypos, when they
put you in jail

they make you stand
in front of the court house

and they draw
a circle around you.

What keeps you from escaping?

It's against the law.

Here's your blankets.

Thanks, but I doubt
we'll need them.

We'll be gettin'
out of here soon.

Well, I wouldn't
get my hopes up.

The last reporter
Judge Gideon put here in jail

for not revealing
his sources is still here.

‐ He is?
‐ How long ago was that?

Oh, let's see,
he was here when I got here.

And I've been here,
let's see, uh...three years.

Goodnight.

Three years?

Balki, I don't think
I can do three years.

Yes, you can, cousin.

There's a lot of strength

in that compact little body.

We could be here for years.

Our whole world could be
this cold, damp cell.

No sunshine.

No fresh air.

No place to plug
in my Waterpik.

I'll talk!
I'll talk! Guar..

Calm down. You
just calm down.

Are you going to be calm?

Balki, I'm not going to make it.

Come on, cousin, have you
forgotten what you said?

What did I say?
Was it something good?

Well, of course it was good.

Yeah, you‐you said that...

...that we were in here
because we are protecting Waldo

and the constitution
and freedom of the press.

Yeah. Balki, I say
a lot of things.

‐ Who am I kidding?
‐ Me mostly.

I don't have what it
takes to become a reporter.

‐ Cousin, don't say that.
‐ It's too hard.

I don't have the strength
to defend the constitution.

‐ That's not true.
‐ Oh, yes, it is.

‐ No, it isn't.
‐ Yes, it is.

‐ No, it isn't.
‐ Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

I don't have the strength
to stand up for anything.

Well, then sit down.

I can do that.

Now, look, cousin,
people like you

have always defended
the constitution.

Who do you think
Nathan Hale was?

Paul Revere?

John Paul Jones and Ringo?

They were just
regular people like you

until they were called
upon to do something heroic

like defend the constitution.

And they had it tough

because they didn't even
have a constitution yet.

I wish I had your faith in me.

I wish I was like those heroes.

‐ But I'm not.
‐ Oh, come on.

I'm weak.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Draw upon the strength
of your forefathers.

I can't.

♪ Oh beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves of grain.. ♪

Maybe I should stop
thinking about myself.

♪ For the purple mountains'.. ♪

I should think of
those who've gone before

and those who'll come after..

...and all those who
never made it this far.

♪ America ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ God shed his
grace on thee ♪

♪ And crown thy good ♪

♪ With brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Shining sea ♪

Balki...I can do
the hard time.

‐ Get in there.
‐ Alright.

Alright, hold it right here.

Another couple of
playmates for you, guys.

Oh, my Lord.

You push me again,
and you're a dead man.

Don't hit him, Dutch.

He'll make your
hands swell up again.

Hi, I'm Balki Bartokomous

and this is
my cousin Larry Appleton.

And now that we have four

later we can play password.

Scram.

Oh, that's a tough one.

Cousin, we're gonna
have to practice.

These guys are good.

Excuse me, uh, guard, uh, can
I talk for‐for just a moment?

I‐I‐I think
there's been a mistake.

Uh, we're
white‐collar criminals

and these two are
clearly mad dog K*llers.

I don't wanna be snob about this

but shouldn't we
be in separate cells?

Oh, of course,
I'll get on it right away.

And while I'm at it,
I'll warm up your Jacuzzi.

Ooh!

Hey, what are you
two guys, some kind of snitches?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
we're not snitches.

In‐infact, we're
in here for not snitching.

Yeah, we're defending
the constitution

the freedom of the press
and the right to arm bears.

You say one more word and I'm
gonna reach down your throat

and pull out an organ.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

Earthquake! Quick!

Stand in a doorway! Oh, God!

It's not an earthquake.

Listen, I'm just
shivering from the cold.

That goon over there
took my blanket.

Oh, well, cousin,
here, here, here. Take mine.

Are‐are you sure?

Well, sure, I'm sure.

Cold don't bother sheepherders.

Cold and rain,
now, that bothers us.

You ever smell a sheep

after it's been out
in the rain a couple of days?

Whoa.

You sure you don't
need your blanket?

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Cousin, are you going to
let them get away with this?

Well, yes.
That was my plan.

Well, uh, look, I'm going
to have a word with Dutch.

I think that he's just going
through a bad time in his life

and he needs someone
to reach out to.

Uh, excuse me,
I just wanted to point out

that you have all the blankets

and we're freezing
our buttocks off.

Jake, I'm gonna
k*ll this one, okay?

Okay.

No, no, no! Don't‐don't
mind him. Don't mind him.

He's‐he's just
sleepwalking. Sleepwalking.

‐ Balki, wake up.
‐ Ow!

‐ Balki, wake up, wake up.
‐ What are you doing?

There, he's awake now. He's
awake now, everything's fine.

Everybody go back to sleep.

I hate to wake up
in the middle of the night

without beating somebody up.

You know something, I think
this cell's getting too crowded.

Let's throw these guys out.

Hey, we'd love to leave
but the cell door's locked.

No problem.

We'll just push you through
the bars like toothpaste.

What are you doing
to my Cousin Larry?

[groaning]

Alright.
Stop horsing around.

Well, it's about time.

Judge Gideon found out what
the power of the press means.

Let's go, Balki.

Not you two. You two.

Your mother posted bail.

Well, I'm not
sorry to see them go

but I do..
I do have one regret.

What's that?

Now we'll never be able to see

if our heads would fit
in between these bars.

[harmonica music]

Balki, I had no idea you could
play the harmonica so well.

[music continues]

I think it's
someone down the hall.

Morning, fellas.

I got a message for
you from Judge Gideon.

Yeah, well, I think
I know what it is.

Yeah, he wants us
to reveal our source.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Well, I got a message for him.

Yeah.

You tell that judge that

Larry Appleton is
a serious journalist.

Yeah.

And even if I have to spend
the rest of my life in this cell

I'll never reveal the identity
of Sore Throat.

Yeah.

You mean Waldo Gillings?

Yep.
You know?

Everybody knows.

When Gillings you two
guys went to jail for him

he came forward and decided
to testify against his boss.

Now, you're free to go.

Hey, cousin, cousin,
did you hear that?

Yeah, we're free to go.

No, what‐what,
did you hear what you said?

Yeah, we're free to go.

Cousin, cousin, try to focus.

You said that you were
a serious journalist.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Yeah you did
and you're right too.

You do have what it takes
to make a great journalist.

‐ You think so?
‐ I know so, cousin.

When you do time with
someone you get to know them.

Thanks, Balki.

I don't think I could
have done it without you.

We make a great team, don't we?

Yeah. We do.
Well, we showed them, huh?

We can take any time
they can dish out.

Yeah.

We can stay here
forever if we have to.

Are you guys coming,
or you want to stay here?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]