05x04 - Buck Henry/Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Posted: 01/11/24 08:24
[All chanting]: no more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
See what's going
No more buck! No more buck!
See what's going
on outside?
See what's going
on outside?
Yeah, it's been like
On outside?
Yeah, it's been like
that all week, demonstrations
Yeah, it's been like
that all week, demonstrations
of every nbc station
That all week, demonstrations
of every nbc station
across the country.
Of every nbc station
across the country.
I guess people are
Across the country.
I guess people are
really upset about buck henry
I guess people are
really upset about buck henry
hosting again, you know.
Really upset about buck henry
hosting again, you know.
Upset?
Hosting again, you know.
Upset?
They're outraged and
Upset?
They're outraged and
I sympathize.
They're outraged and
I sympathize.
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
I sympathize.
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
everything, but he doesn't have
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
everything, but he doesn't have
any talent.
Everything, but he doesn't have
any talent.
Frankly, he's boring.
Any talent.
Frankly, he's boring.
Very boring.
Frankly, he's boring.
Very boring.
Yeah.
Very boring.
Yeah.
The man has hosted the show,
Yeah.
The man has hosted the show,
what, 11 times?
The man has hosted the show,
what, 11 times?
I still haven't figured out
What, 11 times?
I still haven't figured out
what he does besides
I still haven't figured out
what he does besides
hosting the show.
What he does besides
hosting the show.
And borrow money from us
Hosting the show.
And borrow money from us
when he's here.
And borrow money from us
when he's here.
My god, when I think of all
When he's here.
My god, when I think of all
the talented people who are
My god, when I think of all
the talented people who are
dying to host this show...
The talented people who are
dying to host this show...
You know, I have a friend that
Dying to host this show...
You know, I have a friend that
just worked on a movie with
You know, I have a friend that
just worked on a movie with
clint eastwood and this show
Just worked on a movie with
clint eastwood and this show
is his favorite show.
Clint eastwood and this show
is his favorite show.
Really?
Is his favorite show.
Really?
Yes, and according to my
Really?
Yes, and according to my
friend, clint wanted very much
Yes, and according to my
friend, clint wanted very much
to host tonight's show.
Friend, clint wanted very much
to host tonight's show.
He even called lorne on
To host tonight's show.
He even called lorne on
the phone at home. >> Really?
He even called lorne on
the phone at home. >> Really?
Yes, lorne didn't
The phone at home. >> Really?
Yes, lorne didn't
call him back.
Yes, lorne didn't
call him back.
Clint eastwood could've been
Call him back.
Clint eastwood could've been
here tonight, but we've got
Clint eastwood could've been
here tonight, but we've got
buck henry.
Here tonight, but we've got
buck henry.
Here's what we got.
Buck henry.
Here's what we got.
Hi, buck.
Here's what we got.
Hi, buck.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Hi, buck.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Nice outfit.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Nice outfit.
Hi, how you doin'?
Nice outfit.
Hi, how you doin'?
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Hi, how you doin'?
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Those fans are somethin',
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Those fans are somethin',
aren't they?
Those fans are somethin',
aren't they?
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
Aren't they?
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
their hands off me.
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
their hands off me.
I'll just change my clothes.
Their hands off me.
I'll just change my clothes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
I'll just change my clothes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Lorne must be out
I'll be with you in a minute.
Lorne must be out
of his mind!
Lorne must be out
of his mind!
Jane, don't blame him.
Of his mind!
Jane, don't blame him.
He wouldn't hurt clint for
Jane, don't blame him.
He wouldn't hurt clint for
anything in this world,
He wouldn't hurt clint for
anything in this world,
I don't think.
Anything in this world,
I don't think.
He loathes buck just
I don't think.
He loathes buck just
as much as we do.
He loathes buck just
as much as we do.
It's the network.
As much as we do.
It's the network.
It's the network that forces
It's the network.
It's the network that forces
buck on us.
It's the network that forces
buck on us.
But nobody watches the show
Buck on us.
But nobody watches the show
when buck hosts the show.
But nobody watches the show
when buck hosts the show.
The ratings always go down.
When buck hosts the show.
The ratings always go down.
It's true, nbc loses a
The ratings always go down.
It's true, nbc loses a
fortune every time he hosts the
It's true, nbc loses a
fortune every time he hosts the
show, but, jane, sometimes, in
Fortune every time he hosts the
show, but, jane, sometimes, in
show business, there are things
Show, but, jane, sometimes, in
show business, there are things
that are more important than
Show business, there are things
that are more important than
dollars and cents.
That are more important than
dollars and cents.
What the hell are you
Dollars and cents.
What the hell are you
talking about?
What the hell are you
talking about?
I wasn't gonna tell
Talking about?
I wasn't gonna tell
this to anyone, jane.
I wasn't gonna tell
this to anyone, jane.
It's a secret I've been
This to anyone, jane.
It's a secret I've been
keeping to myself ever since
It's a secret I've been
keeping to myself ever since
I started here at nbc, back when
Keeping to myself ever since
I started here at nbc, back when
I was a file clerk in legal.
I started here at nbc, back when
I was a file clerk in legal.
It was before I got transferred
I was a file clerk in legal.
It was before I got transferred
into acting.
It was before I got transferred
into acting.
I came across a letter that
Into acting.
I came across a letter that
explained a lot.
I came across a letter that
explained a lot.
Did you ever hear of
Explained a lot.
Did you ever hear of
the korean w*r?
Did you ever hear of
the korean w*r?
Thought it was
The korean w*r?
Thought it was
the korean conflict.
Thought it was
the korean conflict.
It was a w*r.
The korean conflict.
It was a w*r.
Ask anybody who was there.
It was a w*r.
Ask anybody who was there.
And one of the fiercest battles
Ask anybody who was there.
And one of the fiercest battles
took place at pork chop hill.
And one of the fiercest battles
took place at pork chop hill.
The john wayne movie,
Took place at pork chop hill.
The john wayne movie,
did you ever see it?
The john wayne movie,
did you ever see it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Did you ever see it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, buck was there.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, buck was there.
His whole company was wiped out
Well, buck was there.
His whole company was wiped out
by a raid.
His whole company was wiped out
by a raid.
And buck was crawling across
By a raid.
And buck was crawling across
a field trying to get back to
And buck was crawling across
a field trying to get back to
battalion headquarters and
A field trying to get back to
battalion headquarters and
he got hit by a mortar shell.
Battalion headquarters and
he got hit by a mortar shell.
Steel fragments tore through
He got hit by a mortar shell.
Steel fragments tore through
his leg and his arm.
Steel fragments tore through
his leg and his arm.
He fell into a foxhole and found
His leg and his arm.
He fell into a foxhole and found
himself next to another g.i.
He fell into a foxhole and found
himself next to another g.i.
From his own unit who was
Himself next to another g.i.
From his own unit who was
wounded pretty badly.
From his own unit who was
wounded pretty badly.
Mortar went off and buck
Wounded pretty badly.
Mortar went off and buck
jumped over this guy,
Mortar went off and buck
jumped over this guy,
tried to protect him.
Jumped over this guy,
tried to protect him.
Stayed there all day until night
Tried to protect him.
Stayed there all day until night
and then he picked up the guy,
Stayed there all day until night
and then he picked up the guy,
carried him for six hours...
And then he picked up the guy,
carried him for six hours...
Sometimes on his stomach,
Carried him for six hours...
Sometimes on his stomach,
crawling... Always protecting him
Sometimes on his stomach,
crawling... Always protecting him
from b*ll*ts.
Crawling... Always protecting him
from b*ll*ts.
Weak from blood, he gave him
From b*ll*ts.
Weak from blood, he gave him
his last, last drop of
Weak from blood, he gave him
his last, last drop of
water out of his canteen.
His last, last drop of
water out of his canteen.
And buck and this man are
Water out of his canteen.
And buck and this man are
the only person who knew what
And buck and this man are
the only person who knew what
happened until I saw the letter
The only person who knew what
happened until I saw the letter
in legal, and that is the reason
Happened until I saw the letter
in legal, and that is the reason
why buck henry has hosted
In legal, and that is the reason
why buck henry has hosted
this show 12 times.
Why buck henry has hosted
this show 12 times.
I don't get it.
This show 12 times.
I don't get it.
I don't understand the,
I don't get it.
I don't understand the,
the connection, i...
I don't understand the,
the connection, i...
Do you know the old saying,
The connection, i...
Do you know the old saying,
"wars that tear nations
Do you know the old saying,
"wars that tear nations
apart can also bring
"Wars that tear nations
apart can also bring
individuals together"?
Apart can also bring
individuals together"?
Yeah, I know that.
Individuals together"?
Yeah, I know that.
Well, that wounded soldier
Yeah, I know that.
Well, that wounded soldier
whose life was saved by buck
Well, that wounded soldier
whose life was saved by buck
henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Whose life was saved by buck
henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Was a young kid from cleveland,
Henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Was a young kid from cleveland,
ohio, private first class
Was a young kid from cleveland,
ohio, private first class
fred silverman.
Ohio, private first class
fred silverman.
The fred silverman?
Fred silverman.
The fred silverman?
Our fred silverman...
The fred silverman?
Our fred silverman...
[Patriotic music plays]
Our fred silverman...
[Patriotic music plays]
a man who finds himself fighting
[Patriotic music plays]
a man who finds himself fighting
on a different b*ttlefield now.
A man who finds himself fighting
on a different b*ttlefield now.
The stakes aren't life and death
On a different b*ttlefield now.
The stakes aren't life and death
and there's no bloodshed, but
The stakes aren't life and death
and there's no bloodshed, but
maybe they're just as high.
And there's no bloodshed, but
maybe they're just as high.
It's a life or death
Maybe they're just as high.
It's a life or death
of a network.
It's a life or death
of a network.
And despite the fact that
Of a network.
And despite the fact that
the nbc peacock is in its own
And despite the fact that
the nbc peacock is in its own
coma right now, fred knows that
The nbc peacock is in its own
coma right now, fred knows that
he wouldn't be here today
Coma right now, fred knows that
he wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for buck.
He wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for buck.
And he'll stick with him,
If it weren't for buck.
And he'll stick with him,
no matter what the ratings...
And he'll stick with him,
no matter what the ratings...
No matter how many affiliates
No matter what the ratings...
No matter how many affiliates
across the country are destroyed
No matter how many affiliates
across the country are destroyed
by demonstrators whenever buck
Across the country are destroyed
by demonstrators whenever buck
hosts the show.
By demonstrators whenever buck
hosts the show.
I didn't know
Hosts the show.
I didn't know
that about buck.
I didn't know
that about buck.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
That about buck.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
so harshly of him.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
so harshly of him.
I don't know what to say...
So harshly of him.
I don't know what to say...
Except live from new york,
I don't know what to say...
Except live from new york,
it's saturday night!
Except live from new york,
it's saturday night!
[♪..., Cheers and applause]
Announcer: it's saturday
night live... With buck henry!
[♪...]
Starring jane curtain...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
And gilda radner.
Laraine newman...
And gilda radner.
[♪...]
With musical guest tom petty and
the heartbreakers...
And a special report from
father guido sarducci.
Ladies and gentlemen,
buck henry!
[♪..., Cheers and applause]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you
all very much.
Thank you, thank you
all very much.
You should see them down there.
All very much.
You should see them down there.
I mean, it's just incredible.
You should see them down there.
I mean, it's just incredible.
I, as always, it's a great
I mean, it's just incredible.
I, as always, it's a great
pleasure to host my favorite
I, as always, it's a great
pleasure to host my favorite
show, "saturday night live,"
Pleasure to host my favorite
show, "saturday night live,"
and, you know, I'm often asked
Show, "saturday night live,"
and, you know, I'm often asked
why I like hosting the show so
And, you know, I'm often asked
why I like hosting the show so
much and... I mean, after all,
Why I like hosting the show so
much and... I mean, after all,
this is, uh, I think my twelfth
Much and... I mean, after all,
this is, uh, I think my twelfth
time... And the answer to that
This is, uh, I think my twelfth
time... And the answer to that
question is an easy one.
Time... And the answer to that
question is an easy one.
It's 'cause I love the people
Question is an easy one.
It's 'cause I love the people
here, it's...
It's 'cause I love the people
here, it's...
Man: get off the stage!
Here, it's...
Man: get off the stage!
Exactly, it's just,
Man: get off the stage!
Exactly, it's just,
it's like a family.
Exactly, it's just,
it's like a family.
It's like a wonderful family
It's like a family.
It's like a wonderful family
every time I come here.
It's like a wonderful family
every time I come here.
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Every time I come here.
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Man: you're the worst!
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Man: you're the worst!
They just, they yell at me,
Man: you're the worst!
They just, they yell at me,
they try and touch me.
They just, they yell at me,
they try and touch me.
It's just, it's
They try and touch me.
It's just, it's
a wonderful thing.
It's just, it's
a wonderful thing.
It's, in fact, I've become so
A wonderful thing.
It's, in fact, I've become so
recognizable from this show that
It's, in fact, I've become so
recognizable from this show that
I've grown this beard to attempt
Recognizable from this show that
I've grown this beard to attempt
a certain anonymity so that, uh,
I've grown this beard to attempt
a certain anonymity so that, uh,
you know, so that...
A certain anonymity so that, uh,
you know, so that...
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
You know, so that...
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
you stink!
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
you stink!
He doesn't do anything!
You stink!
He doesn't do anything!
No, no autographs just now.
He doesn't do anything!
No, no autographs just now.
Autographs later, it's ok.
No, no autographs just now.
Autographs later, it's ok.
I don't know, like, i...
Autographs later, it's ok.
I don't know, like, i...
I enjoy my life without
I don't know, like, i...
I enjoy my life without
the incessant disturbance of
I enjoy my life without
the incessant disturbance of
an audience and it's not...
The incessant disturbance of
an audience and it's not...
[Indistinct yelling]
An audience and it's not...
[Indistinct yelling]
it's not that I'm ungrateful...
[Indistinct yelling]
it's not that I'm ungrateful...
Thank you, mind you... It's just
It's not that I'm ungrateful...
Thank you, mind you... It's just
that this show has actually made
Thank you, mind you... It's just
that this show has actually made
a career for me.
That this show has actually made
a career for me.
Everyone who is associated with
A career for me.
Everyone who is associated with
this show, as you know, has
Everyone who is associated with
this show, as you know, has
achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
This show, as you know, has
achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
Achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
to say I can't go out in
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
to say I can't go out in
public anymore without causing
To say I can't go out in
public anymore without causing
a commotion.
Public anymore without causing
a commotion.
I can almost, as I'm sure you
A commotion.
I can almost, as I'm sure you
can, feel the love from
I can almost, as I'm sure you
can, feel the love from
that crowd.
Can, feel the love from
that crowd.
Feel them trying to get near me,
That crowd.
Feel them trying to get near me,
trying to touch me, trying to
Feel them trying to get near me,
trying to touch me, trying to
get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
Trying to touch me, trying to
get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
to share, to share, in some
Get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
to share, to share, in some
sense, the, the feeling that,
To share, to share, in some
sense, the, the feeling that,
uh, I am some place they want to
Sense, the, the feeling that,
uh, I am some place they want to
be and that by touching me and
Uh, I am some place they want to
be and that by touching me and
experiencing what I'm
Be and that by touching me and
experiencing what I'm
experiencing, they join me in
Experiencing what I'm
experiencing, they join me in
this kind of...
Experiencing, they join me in
this kind of...
They're crazy about me.
This kind of...
They're crazy about me.
They don't leave me alone for a
They're crazy about me.
They don't leave me alone for a
second and I want to thank you
They don't leave me alone for a
second and I want to thank you
all for sharing in that same
Second and I want to thank you
all for sharing in that same
feeling and we'll be right back.
All for sharing in that same
feeling and we'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause]
[Soft music plays]
hello, tom?
This is sue.
Hello, tom?
This is sue.
I'm here all alone in
This is sue.
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
My apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
and I thought maybe you'd want
Some harley's bristol creme,
and I thought maybe you'd want
to come over.
And I thought maybe you'd want
to come over.
Oh, you are?
To come over.
Oh, you are?
Well, I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Oh, you are?
Well, I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Ok, sure.
Hello, stan? Sue.
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
My apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
and I was thinking maybe
Some harley's bristol creme,
and I was thinking maybe
you'd like to come over.
And I was thinking maybe
you'd like to come over.
Oh... That's too bad.
You'd like to come over.
Oh... That's too bad.
Oh, ok, yeah...
Oh... That's too bad.
Oh, ok, yeah...
Maybe some other time.
Hello, mike!
This is sue.
I'm alone in my apartment,
This is sue.
I'm alone in my apartment,
and I have some...
I'm alone in my apartment,
and I have some...
You did? When?
And I have some...
You did? When?
Well... Congratulations.
You did? When?
Well... Congratulations.
Ok, good-bye.
Well... Congratulations.
Ok, good-bye.
[Music continues...]
Hey!
Hey, you!
You want some harley's
Hey, you!
You want some harley's
bristol creme?
You want some harley's
bristol creme?
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Bristol creme?
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Announcer: it used to be
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Announcer: it used to be
that a woman couldn't invite
Announcer: it used to be
that a woman couldn't invite
a man over for a drink.
That a woman couldn't invite
a man over for a drink.
All that's changed now.
A man over for a drink.
All that's changed now.
Harley's bristol creme...
All that's changed now.
Harley's bristol creme...
Over ice.
Harley's bristol creme...
Over ice.
It's downright... Upright.
Over ice.
It's downright... Upright.
Geez, I'm really spinning
It's downright... Upright.
Geez, I'm really spinning
on this stuff.
Geez, I'm really spinning
on this stuff.
What do you call it?
On this stuff.
What do you call it?
Harley's bristol creme.
What do you call it?
Harley's bristol creme.
I knew you'd like it.
Harley's bristol creme.
I knew you'd like it.
Announcer: harley's
I knew you'd like it.
Announcer: harley's
bristol creme.
Announcer: harley's
bristol creme.
Why not invite
Bristol creme.
Why not invite
someone over... Tonight?
Why not invite
someone over... Tonight?
It's downright upright.
Someone over... Tonight?
It's downright upright.
[Cheers and applause]
Man [thinking]: as I gaze on
toad island for the last time,
its darkened contours gradually
Toad island for the last time,
its darkened contours gradually
receding into the thick new
Its darkened contours gradually
receding into the thick new
england mist, I shudder with the
Receding into the thick new
england mist, I shudder with the
realization that I'm finally
England mist, I shudder with the
realization that I'm finally
escaping its clammy hold on
Realization that I'm finally
escaping its clammy hold on
my soul.
Escaping its clammy hold on
my soul.
My mind races back to the day
My soul.
My mind races back to the day
of my arrival, the day
My mind races back to the day
of my arrival, the day
I first confronted...
The mystery of toad island.
Choosing a place to stay
didn't take long.
Choosing a place to stay
didn't take long.
There was only one inn on toad
Didn't take long.
There was only one inn on toad
island, the toad island inn.
Anybody here?
Hello? [Bell dings]
anybody here?
Hello? [Bell dings]
anybody here?
Hello... Uh, I just
Anybody here?
Hello... Uh, I just
got off the ferry.
Hello... Uh, I just
got off the ferry.
I was wondering if
Got off the ferry.
I was wondering if
you had a room.
I was wondering if
you had a room.
[Exhales deeply]
You had a room.
[Exhales deeply]
could be.
[Exhales deeply]
could be.
Well, it's, uh...
Could be.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just for the one night.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just for the one night.
Well, we may not
It's just for the one night.
Well, we may not
have a room ready.
Well, we may not
have a room ready.
Don't get many strangers here
Have a room ready.
Don't get many strangers here
on toad island.
Don't get many strangers here
on toad island.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
On toad island.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
It's a long ferry ride.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
It's a long ferry ride.
I was the only passenger after
It's a long ferry ride.
I was the only passenger after
poquansett island.
I was the only passenger after
poquansett island.
Figures.
Poquansett island.
Figures.
Perhaps, uh, you know
Figures.
Perhaps, uh, you know
the woman I've come to see,
Perhaps, uh, you know
the woman I've come to see,
hannah brundage.
The woman I've come to see,
hannah brundage.
Ha, be hard not to.
Hannah brundage.
Ha, be hard not to.
Only two families on
Ha, be hard not to.
Only two families on
this island, the baileys and
Only two families on
this island, the baileys and
the brundages.
This island, the baileys and
the brundages.
I'm a bailey, my mother was
The brundages.
I'm a bailey, my mother was
a brundage and her mother
I'm a bailey, my mother was
a brundage and her mother
before her was a bailey.
A brundage and her mother
before her was a bailey.
Goes back like that, oh...
Before her was a bailey.
Goes back like that, oh...
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
Goes back like that, oh...
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
captain james brundage ran his
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
captain james brundage ran his
ship aground on toad island.
Captain james brundage ran his
ship aground on toad island.
A-ha, well, do you know
Ship aground on toad island.
A-ha, well, do you know
where I can find her?
A-ha, well, do you know
where I can find her?
Who? [Insect buzzes]
Where I can find her?
Who? [Insect buzzes]
hannah brundage.
Who? [Insect buzzes]
hannah brundage.
What about her?
Hannah brundage.
What about her?
Uh, I'm here to see her.
What about her?
Uh, I'm here to see her.
She's my great aunt.
Uh, I'm here to see her.
She's my great aunt.
[Buzzing stops]
She's my great aunt.
[Buzzing stops]
you're tom brundage!
[Buzzing stops]
you're tom brundage!
[Dramatic music plays]
You're tom brundage!
[Dramatic music plays]
look, does my great aunt
[Dramatic music plays]
look, does my great aunt
live nearby?
Look, does my great aunt
live nearby?
Can anybody take me there?
Live nearby?
Can anybody take me there?
Oh, not tonight.
Can anybody take me there?
Oh, not tonight.
You'd best turn in.
Oh, not tonight.
You'd best turn in.
Carl will see you to your room.
You'd best turn in.
Carl will see you to your room.
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl will see you to your room.
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl, this is your cousin,
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl, this is your cousin,
tom brundage.
Carl, this is your cousin,
tom brundage.
[Exhaling throatily]
Tom brundage.
[Exhaling throatily]
pleased to meet you.
[Exhaling throatily]
pleased to meet you.
Oh, are you a brundage?
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, are you a brundage?
No, a bailey.
Oh, are you a brundage?
No, a bailey.
My mother was a brundage.
No, a bailey.
My mother was a brundage.
Say, carl, could you,
My mother was a brundage.
Say, carl, could you,
uh, drive me to
Say, carl, could you,
uh, drive me to
hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Uh, drive me to
hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
Hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
What do you mean?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
What do you mean?
I might, and then again,
What do you mean?
I might, and then again,
I might not.
I might, and then again,
I might not.
What kind of
I might not.
What kind of
an answer is that?
What kind of
an answer is that?
That's for me to know
An answer is that?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
I think you're wasting
And you to find out.
I think you're wasting
your time talking to carl.
I think you're wasting
your time talking to carl.
He's pleasant enough but you
Your time talking to carl.
He's pleasant enough but you
won't learn very much.
He's pleasant enough but you
won't learn very much.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
Won't learn very much.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
bags to his room.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
bags to his room.
All right, pepperidge farm.
So you're tom brundage.
Yes. >> Ned brundage's boy.
Yes, that's right.
Yes. >> Ned brundage's boy.
Yes, that's right.
Well, perhaps I should
Yes, that's right.
Well, perhaps I should
introduce myself.
Well, perhaps I should
introduce myself.
I'm brundage bailey.
Introduce myself.
I'm brundage bailey.
This here's my cousin,
I'm brundage bailey.
This here's my cousin,
bailey brundage...
This here's my cousin,
bailey brundage...
Howdy.
Bailey brundage...
Howdy.
And her brother,
Howdy.
And her brother,
brundage brundage.
And her brother,
brundage brundage.
Howdy.
Brundage brundage.
Howdy.
Nice to meet you.
Howdy.
Nice to meet you.
So it's really true there are
Nice to meet you.
So it's really true there are
only two families on
So it's really true there are
only two families on
toad island.
Only two families on
toad island.
Yeah.
Toad island.
Yeah.
And now, no offense, but, uh,
Yeah.
And now, no offense, but, uh,
isn't it dangerous for two
And now, no offense, but, uh,
isn't it dangerous for two
families to intermarry
Isn't it dangerous for two
families to intermarry
for all these years?
Families to intermarry
for all these years?
If the good lord had meant
For all these years?
If the good lord had meant
for us to marry women from the
If the good lord had meant
for us to marry women from the
mainland, he'd have given us
For us to marry women from the
mainland, he'd have given us
wings to fly over there
Mainland, he'd have given us
wings to fly over there
to meet them.
Wings to fly over there
to meet them.
Ah, I see.
To meet them.
Ah, I see.
Well, maybe, maybe you
Ah, I see.
Well, maybe, maybe you
can help me.
Well, maybe, maybe you
can help me.
You see, my father died when
Can help me.
You see, my father died when
I was very young and my mother
You see, my father died when
I was very young and my mother
never talked about him.
I was very young and my mother
never talked about him.
Well, she just passed away and
Never talked about him.
Well, she just passed away and
while going through her affects,
Well, she just passed away and
while going through her affects,
I found some letters to a hannah
While going through her affects,
I found some letters to a hannah
brundage of toad island.
I found some letters to a hannah
brundage of toad island.
[Insect buzzes]
Brundage of toad island.
[Insect buzzes]
and from these letters, it was
[Insect buzzes]
and from these letters, it was
apparent that her nephew, uh,
And from these letters, it was
apparent that her nephew, uh,
my, uh... Ned brundage,
Apparent that her nephew, uh,
my, uh... Ned brundage,
was my father. [Buzzing stops]
My, uh... Ned brundage,
was my father. [Buzzing stops]
now... I wrote aunt hannah and
Was my father. [Buzzing stops]
now... I wrote aunt hannah and
she warned me not to come to
Now... I wrote aunt hannah and
she warned me not to come to
toad island.
She warned me not to come to
toad island.
Do you have any idea why
Toad island.
Do you have any idea why
she would say that?
Do you have any idea why
she would say that?
Pepperidge farm.
She would say that?
Pepperidge farm.
What?
Pepperidge farm.
What?
Pepperidge farm?
What?
Pepperidge farm?
Are you telling me I can find
Pepperidge farm?
Are you telling me I can find
my aunt at this farm?
Are you telling me I can find
my aunt at this farm?
No use talking to him.
My aunt at this farm?
No use talking to him.
You won't learn much
No use talking to him.
You won't learn much
to a bailey.
You won't learn much
to a bailey.
As we say around here, no use
To a bailey.
As we say around here, no use
shaking the tree if the fruit
As we say around here, no use
shaking the tree if the fruit
ain't ripe.
Shaking the tree if the fruit
ain't ripe.
Really?
Ain't ripe.
Really?
How did he get that way?
Really?
How did he get that way?
Well, that's for me to know
How did he get that way?
Well, that's for me to know
and you to find out.
Well, that's for me to know
and you to find out.
Look, can't someone tell me
And you to find out.
Look, can't someone tell me
something about my father?
Look, can't someone tell me
something about my father?
Folks don't much like talking
Something about my father?
Folks don't much like talking
about ned brundage.
Folks don't much like talking
about ned brundage.
He was the first islander to
About ned brundage.
He was the first islander to
marry a girl from the mainland.
He was the first islander to
marry a girl from the mainland.
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
Marry a girl from the mainland.
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
love, we warned him against it,
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
love, we warned him against it,
but their marriage didn't
Love, we warned him against it,
but their marriage didn't
last either.
But their marriage didn't
last either.
A year later, he came back to
Last either.
A year later, he came back to
the island a deflated man.
A year later, he came back to
the island a deflated man.
Proceeding to drink himself to
The island a deflated man.
Proceeding to drink himself to
an early grave.
Proceeding to drink himself to
an early grave.
I don't understand.
An early grave.
I don't understand.
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
I don't understand.
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
any of this?
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
any of this?
Well, that's for your aunt to
Any of this?
Well, that's for your aunt to
know and for you to find out.
Well, that's for your aunt to
know and for you to find out.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Know and for you to find out.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Now, which room is mine?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Now, which room is mine?
Maybe it's room 11,
Now, which room is mine?
Maybe it's room 11,
maybe it's not.
Maybe it's room 11,
maybe it's not.
Well, I'll just go up
Maybe it's not.
Well, I'll just go up
to room 11 and see if
Well, I'll just go up
to room 11 and see if
my luggage is there.
To room 11 and see if
my luggage is there.
Good night.
My luggage is there.
Good night.
All: good night!
Good night.
All: good night!
Nice fella.
All: good night!
Nice fella.
I don't know, didn't he
Nice fella.
I don't know, didn't he
strike you as a bit of
I don't know, didn't he
strike you as a bit of
an odd bird?
Strike you as a bit of
an odd bird?
Maybe he did, but then again,
An odd bird?
Maybe he did, but then again,
maybe he didn't.
Maybe he did, but then again,
maybe he didn't.
Well, that's for you to know
Maybe he didn't.
Well, that's for you to know
and you to find out.
Well, that's for you to know
and you to find out.
Surprise, everybody!
And you to find out.
Surprise, everybody!
Pepperidge farm.
Surprise, everybody!
Pepperidge farm.
[Thunder rumbles]
Tom [thinking]: as my ferry
steams toward the craggy maine
coast, I ask myself, has it
Steams toward the craggy maine
coast, I ask myself, has it
really been three years?
Coast, I ask myself, has it
really been three years?
Of my conversations with aunt
Really been three years?
Of my conversations with aunt
hannah, more in chapter two, but
Of my conversations with aunt
hannah, more in chapter two, but
I can only say she was the most
Hannah, more in chapter two, but
I can only say she was the most
difficult person to talk to on
I can only say she was the most
difficult person to talk to on
the island.
Difficult person to talk to on
the island.
And I realize that the only
The island.
And I realize that the only
mystery is how I could've spent
And I realize that the only
mystery is how I could've spent
three years on...
Mystery is how I could've spent
three years on...
Toad island.
Three years on...
Toad island.
[Applause]
Boy, todd.
[Cheers and applause]
boy...
[Cheers and applause]
boy...
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
Boy...
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
dinner in a hurry.
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
dinner in a hurry.
That's because I'm hungry for
Dinner in a hurry.
That's because I'm hungry for
some of that loopner lunch pail,
That's because I'm hungry for
some of that loopner lunch pail,
that's all.
Some of that loopner lunch pail,
that's all.
No, now, todd, we've been
That's all.
No, now, todd, we've been
through this a zillion times and
No, now, todd, we've been
through this a zillion times and
the answer to your pathetic
Through this a zillion times and
the answer to your pathetic
animal needs is still no!
The answer to your pathetic
animal needs is still no!
N-o spells no!
Animal needs is still no!
N-o spells no!
Lisa... According to
N-o spells no!
Lisa... According to
masters and johnson,
Lisa... According to
masters and johnson,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Masters and johnson,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Be good to me now, my kitten,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Be good to me now, my kitten,
and I shall remember you when
Be good to me now, my kitten,
and I shall remember you when
you peak about 55 or 60.
And I shall remember you when
you peak about 55 or 60.
Todd, that's real big of you.
You peak about 55 or 60.
Todd, that's real big of you.
But, according to shere hite,
Todd, that's real big of you.
But, according to shere hite,
you can never give me
But, according to shere hite,
you can never give me
as much pleasure as I could
You can never give me
as much pleasure as I could
give myself.
As much pleasure as I could
give myself.
What does shere hite know?
Give myself.
What does shere hite know?
She's never dated me.
What does shere hite know?
She's never dated me.
Yeah, well, personally...
She's never dated me.
Yeah, well, personally...
Stop it, todd.
Yeah, well, personally...
Stop it, todd.
I feel, in our culture,
Stop it, todd.
I feel, in our culture,
sex is overrated.
I feel, in our culture,
sex is overrated.
I mean... [Blows air]
Sex is overrated.
I mean... [Blows air]
look at my mother.
I mean... [Blows air]
look at my mother.
I mean, she's perfectly happy
Look at my mother.
I mean, she's perfectly happy
with the memory of my father,
I mean, she's perfectly happy
with the memory of my father,
the late mr. Loopner.
With the memory of my father,
the late mr. Loopner.
Both: god rest his soul.
The late mr. Loopner.
Both: god rest his soul.
Well, you look at
Both: god rest his soul.
Well, you look at
your mother.
Well, you look at
your mother.
Her shoulders are up
Your mother.
Her shoulders are up
around her ears.
Her shoulders are up
around her ears.
The woman is repressed.
Around her ears.
The woman is repressed.
I mean, she got problems.
The woman is repressed.
I mean, she got problems.
That's because her bra straps
I mean, she got problems.
That's because her bra straps
are too tight.
That's because her bra straps
are too tight.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Are too tight.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Todd, could you open
Oh, yeah, sure.
Todd, could you open
this for me?
Todd, could you open
this for me?
I seem to have screwed the lid
This for me?
I seem to have screwed the lid
on too hard.
I seem to have screwed the lid
on too hard.
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
On too hard.
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Oh, todd, you have such a
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Oh, todd, you have such a
strong right arm!
Oh, todd, you have such a
strong right arm!
Yeah, he works out
Strong right arm!
Yeah, he works out
with it a lot.
Yeah, he works out
with it a lot.
Well, back to the salt mines.
With it a lot.
Well, back to the salt mines.
Mom, mom, forget about
Well, back to the salt mines.
Mom, mom, forget about
the egg salad.
Mom, mom, forget about
the egg salad.
I can buy lunch.
The egg salad.
I can buy lunch.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
I can buy lunch.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
making egg salad.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
making egg salad.
It gives me pleasure.
Making egg salad.
It gives me pleasure.
That and ironing contour sheets.
It gives me pleasure.
That and ironing contour sheets.
Ironing contour sheets.
That and ironing contour sheets.
Ironing contour sheets.
Todd, maybe she is
Ironing contour sheets.
Todd, maybe she is
sublimating her sexual energy.
Todd, maybe she is
sublimating her sexual energy.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
Sublimating her sexual energy.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
theopolis.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
theopolis.
My dad's the same way ever since
Theopolis.
My dad's the same way ever since
we lost my mom, but I don't want
My dad's the same way ever since
we lost my mom, but I don't want
you to end up like that, lisa.
We lost my mom, but I don't want
you to end up like that, lisa.
I want that pink, pink flush in
You to end up like that, lisa.
I want that pink, pink flush in
your nose to spread down, down
I want that pink, pink flush in
your nose to spread down, down
to your cheeks, across your
Your nose to spread down, down
to your cheeks, across your
rather unusually skinny and
To your cheeks, across your
rather unusually skinny and
fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
Rather unusually skinny and
fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
to your chest, wherever
Fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
to your chest, wherever
your chest may be.
To your chest, wherever
your chest may be.
Cut it out, pizza face!
Your chest may be.
Cut it out, pizza face!
Lisa, prove your love to me,
Cut it out, pizza face!
Lisa, prove your love to me,
or else you'll be responsible
Lisa, prove your love to me,
or else you'll be responsible
for giving me a painful case of
Or else you'll be responsible
for giving me a painful case of
lover's noogie!
For giving me a painful case of
lover's noogie!
That's right.
Lover's noogie!
That's right.
You know what lover's
That's right.
You know what lover's
noogies are?
You know what lover's
noogies are?
It's when your head turns all
Noogies are?
It's when your head turns all
blue and swells up.
It's when your head turns all
blue and swells up.
Oh, that's funny,
Blue and swells up.
Oh, that's funny,
I forgot to laugh.
Oh, that's funny,
I forgot to laugh.
[Doorbell rings]
I forgot to laugh.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
Get what?
I'll get it.
Get what?
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Get what?
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Hello, lisa.
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Hello, lisa.
Nice to see you.
Hello, lisa.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Todd, a little bird told me that
Nice to see you.
Todd, a little bird told me that
I'd find you here, and no wonder
Todd, a little bird told me that
I'd find you here, and no wonder
when I look at lisa. [Laughs]
I'd find you here, and no wonder
when I look at lisa. [Laughs]
thank you, mister...
When I look at lisa. [Laughs]
thank you, mister...
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Thank you, mister...
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Um, where are you hiding that
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Um, where are you hiding that
gorgeous mother of yours?
Um, where are you hiding that
gorgeous mother of yours?
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Gorgeous mother of yours?
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Why don't you go
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Why don't you go
get her, lisa?
Why don't you go
get her, lisa?
Oh, don't go to any trouble
Get her, lisa?
Oh, don't go to any trouble
on my account.
Oh, don't go to any trouble
on my account.
Oh, yeah, right.
On my account.
Oh, yeah, right.
Why don't I go get her?
Oh, yeah, right.
Why don't I go get her?
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Why don't I go get her?
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Yeah... Yeah.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Yeah... Yeah.
Well, son, we're in luck.
Yeah... Yeah.
Well, son, we're in luck.
I managed to get two tickets to
Well, son, we're in luck.
I managed to get two tickets to
the tri-state, all-star chess
I managed to get two tickets to
the tri-state, all-star chess
tournament tonight.
The tri-state, all-star chess
tournament tonight.
How 'bout steppin' out
Tournament tonight.
How 'bout steppin' out
with your old dad?
How 'bout steppin' out
with your old dad?
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
With your old dad?
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
but I got some trig homework
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
but I got some trig homework
that I'm dying to get to.
But I got some trig homework
that I'm dying to get to.
Really excited about it.
That I'm dying to get to.
Really excited about it.
Say, I know, why don't you ask
Really excited about it.
Say, I know, why don't you ask
mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Say, I know, why don't you ask
mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Ask enid?
Mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Ask enid?
Sure, it'll do her good to
Ask enid?
Sure, it'll do her good to
get her out of the house and it
Sure, it'll do her good to
get her out of the house and it
may do me some good too,
Get her out of the house and it
may do me some good too,
if you get my drift.
May do me some good too,
if you get my drift.
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
If you get my drift.
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
she wouldn't want to go out with
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
she wouldn't want to go out with
an old fogey like me.
She wouldn't want to go out with
an old fogey like me.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
An old fogey like me.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
deep down she's dying for it.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
deep down she's dying for it.
You know that... Deep down.
Deep down she's dying for it.
You know that... Deep down.
Todd... [Laughs]
You know that... Deep down.
Todd... [Laughs]
dad, I have a confession to
Todd... [Laughs]
dad, I have a confession to
make between us guys.
Dad, I have a confession to
make between us guys.
I found that shoebox of yours
Make between us guys.
I found that shoebox of yours
with the belgian postcards.
I found that shoebox of yours
with the belgian postcards.
Todd, what were you doing in
With the belgian postcards.
Todd, what were you doing in
my underwear drawer?
Todd, what were you doing in
my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, dad.
My underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, dad.
I looked at 'em all, except for
I'm sorry, dad.
I looked at 'em all, except for
those two that were
I looked at 'em all, except for
those two that were
stuck together.
Those two that were
stuck together.
Too bad, those were
Stuck together.
Too bad, those were
the best ones.
Too bad, those were
the best ones.
Yeah, you know, that thought
The best ones.
Yeah, you know, that thought
had occurred to me.
Yeah, you know, that thought
had occurred to me.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
Had occurred to me.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
She's a whole lot of woman.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
She's a whole lot of woman.
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
She's a whole lot of woman.
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
and, dad, I happen to know that,
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
and, dad, I happen to know that,
uh, mrs. Loopner is
And, dad, I happen to know that,
uh, mrs. Loopner is
a natural blonde.
Uh, mrs. Loopner is
a natural blonde.
You've seen her in her
A natural blonde.
You've seen her in her
birthday suit?
You've seen her in her
birthday suit?
Don't gross me out, dad.
Birthday suit?
Don't gross me out, dad.
I mean, the hair on
Don't gross me out, dad.
I mean, the hair on
her arms is blonde.
I mean, the hair on
her arms is blonde.
Oh, god.
Her arms is blonde.
Oh, god.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Oh, god.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Hello, enid.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Hello, enid.
How's every little thing?
Hello, enid.
How's every little thing?
Couldn't be better.
How's every little thing?
Couldn't be better.
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Couldn't be better.
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Oh, tre distingue!
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Oh, tre distingue!
I had to stop shaving because
Oh, tre distingue!
I had to stop shaving because
of this painful skin condition.
I had to stop shaving because
of this painful skin condition.
Oh, like father, like son.
Of this painful skin condition.
Oh, like father, like son.
Well, I always say, a man
Oh, like father, like son.
Well, I always say, a man
without a beard is like hot
Well, I always say, a man
without a beard is like hot
apple pie without cheese.
Without a beard is like hot
apple pie without cheese.
[All laugh]
Apple pie without cheese.
[All laugh]
mom, let me take off your
[All laugh]
mom, let me take off your
apron and show your beautiful
Mom, let me take off your
apron and show your beautiful
house coat.
Apron and show your beautiful
house coat.
Isn't it pretty?
House coat.
Isn't it pretty?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
Isn't it pretty?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
attractive house coat, dad?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
attractive house coat, dad?
It's stunning.
Attractive house coat, dad?
It's stunning.
Oh, this old thing?
It's stunning.
Oh, this old thing?
Well, it's a house coat.
Oh, this old thing?
Well, it's a house coat.
It's just for wearing
Well, it's a house coat.
It's just for wearing
around the house.
It's just for wearing
around the house.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Around the house.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I'd say it can go anywhere.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I'd say it can go anywhere.
You can even wear that to a
I'd say it can go anywhere.
You can even wear that to a
chess tournament, for example,
You can even wear that to a
chess tournament, for example,
don't you think?
Chess tournament, for example,
don't you think?
I, i, i... I do
Don't you think?
I, i, i... I do
have two tickets.
I, i, i... I do
have two tickets.
Oh... Oh, marshall.
Have two tickets.
Oh... Oh, marshall.
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
Oh... Oh, marshall.
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
to be indelicate but, well,
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
to be indelicate but, well,
uh... You know, I always
To be indelicate but, well,
uh... You know, I always
thought, um, I mean, I really,
Uh... You know, I always
thought, um, I mean, I really,
uh... You know, marshall,
Thought, um, I mean, I really,
uh... You know, marshall,
whatever became of
Uh... You know, marshall,
whatever became of
mrs. Dilamuca?
Whatever became of
mrs. Dilamuca?
That, enid,
Mrs. Dilamuca?
That, enid,
is the $64,000 question.
That, enid,
is the $64,000 question.
Dad, please, you promised.
Is the $64,000 question.
Dad, please, you promised.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
Dad, please, you promised.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
some 12 years ago.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
some 12 years ago.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
Some 12 years ago.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
We lost her at expo 67.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
We lost her at expo 67.
She was supposed to meet us
We lost her at expo 67.
She was supposed to meet us
at the car.
She was supposed to meet us
at the car.
Dad, no! Come on!
At the car.
Dad, no! Come on!
She said she just wanted to
Dad, no! Come on!
She said she just wanted to
go and buy one of those little
She said she just wanted to
go and buy one of those little
wooden dolls with all the other
Go and buy one of those little
wooden dolls with all the other
little wooden dolls inside,
Wooden dolls with all the other
little wooden dolls inside,
you know?
Little wooden dolls inside,
you know?
And she wasn't sure
You know?
And she wasn't sure
which pavilion to go to,
And she wasn't sure
which pavilion to go to,
bulgaria or romania.
Which pavilion to go to,
bulgaria or romania.
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
Bulgaria or romania.
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
in vietnam?
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
in vietnam?
No, lisa, she wasn't
In vietnam?
No, lisa, she wasn't
an army nurse and she didn't
No, lisa, she wasn't
an army nurse and she didn't
win the congressional medal
An army nurse and she didn't
win the congressional medal
of honor either.
Win the congressional medal
of honor either.
Todd, you're a liar.
Of honor either.
Todd, you're a liar.
I blame myself.
Todd, you're a liar.
I blame myself.
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
I blame myself.
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
What about the chess
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
What about the chess
tournament, enid?
What about the chess
tournament, enid?
Will you come with me?
Tournament, enid?
Will you come with me?
Oh, well, who's playing?
Will you come with me?
Oh, well, who's playing?
Vern ginsberg and
Oh, well, who's playing?
Vern ginsberg and
jeffery stutz.
Vern ginsberg and
jeffery stutz.
Should be pretty exciting.
Jeffery stutz.
Should be pretty exciting.
You know, the winner gets to try
Should be pretty exciting.
You know, the winner gets to try
out for the semifinals.
You know, the winner gets to try
out for the semifinals.
Oh, it sounds like fun.
Out for the semifinals.
Oh, it sounds like fun.
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
Oh, it sounds like fun.
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
sometimes I get so excited
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
sometimes I get so excited
watching, I almost make a noise.
Sometimes I get so excited
watching, I almost make a noise.
Oh.
Watching, I almost make a noise.
Oh.
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
Oh.
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
but I just put a fresh batch of
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
but I just put a fresh batch of
eggs on to boil.
But I just put a fresh batch of
eggs on to boil.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Eggs on to boil.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
All right, what'll it be,
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
All right, what'll it be,
enid, yay or nay?
All right, what'll it be,
enid, yay or nay?
Oh, go, mom!
Enid, yay or nay?
Oh, go, mom!
You'd be crazy not to go!
Oh, go, mom!
You'd be crazy not to go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
You'd be crazy not to go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
Come on, mom, go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
Come on, mom, go!
W... Well, then take
Come on, mom, go!
W... Well, then take
my ticket, here.
W... Well, then take
my ticket, here.
What?
My ticket, here.
What?
You really want to go...
What?
You really want to go...
Well, both of you go.
You really want to go...
Well, both of you go.
That's all right.
Well, both of you go.
That's all right.
Here are the tickets, you...
That's all right.
Here are the tickets, you...
No, you better hurry now.
Here are the tickets, you...
No, you better hurry now.
Well, what about the eggs?
No, you better hurry now.
Well, what about the eggs?
No, we'll worry
Well, what about the eggs?
No, we'll worry
about the eggs.
No, we'll worry
about the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
About the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
watch the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
watch the eggs.
Don't you worry about that.
Watch the eggs.
Don't you worry about that.
You just go and have
Don't you worry about that.
You just go and have
a darn good time.
You just go and have
a darn good time.
Lisa, did you leave the keys
A darn good time.
Lisa, did you leave the keys
in the gremlin?
Lisa, did you leave the keys
in the gremlin?
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
In the gremlin?
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Ok, todd, good-bye!
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Ok, todd, good-bye!
I guess I'll see you at school.
Ok, todd, good-bye!
I guess I'll see you at school.
Good-bye, lisa.
I guess I'll see you at school.
Good-bye, lisa.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
Good-bye, lisa.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
It's a pleasure.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
It's a pleasure.
You have a good time now.
It's a pleasure.
You have a good time now.
[Laughs]
You have a good time now.
[Laughs]
[whimpers] way to go, dad.
[Laughs]
[whimpers] way to go, dad.
Well... I guess now we have
[Whimpers] way to go, dad.
Well... I guess now we have
a couple of hours to k*ll.
Well... I guess now we have
a couple of hours to k*ll.
But it's ok.
A couple of hours to k*ll.
But it's ok.
I brought the postcards
But it's ok.
I brought the postcards
with me.
I brought the postcards
with me.
Look at this.
With me.
Look at this.
[Applause]
Look at this.
[Applause]
[♪...]
Ladies and gentlemen,
tom petty and the heartbreakers.
[Cheers and applause]
Tom petty and the heartbreakers.
[Cheers and applause]
["refugee" plays]
♪ We got somethin',
we both know it ♪
♪ we don't talk
We both know it ♪
♪ we don't talk
too much about it ♪
♪ We don't talk
too much about it ♪
♪ yeah, it ain't
Too much about it ♪
♪ yeah, it ain't
no real big secret ♪
♪ Yeah, it ain't
no real big secret ♪
♪ all the same,
No real big secret ♪
♪ all the same,
somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ All the same,
somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ listen, it don't make
Somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ listen, it don't make
no difference to me, baby ♪
♪ Listen, it don't make
no difference to me, baby ♪
♪ you believe what you
No difference to me, baby ♪
♪ you believe what you
want to believe ♪
♪ You believe what you
want to believe ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
Want to believe ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ somewhere, somehow,
Like a refugee ♪
♪ somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
♪ Somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
Somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
♪ who knows why you wanna lay
Around some ♪
♪ who knows why you wanna lay
there, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Who knows why you wanna lay
there, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
There, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
matter to me, baby ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
matter to me, baby ♪
♪ everybody's had to fight
Matter to me, baby ♪
♪ everybody's had to fight
to be free ♪
♪ Everybody's had to fight
to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
To be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ no, baby, you don't have
Like a refugee ♪
♪ no, baby, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ No, baby, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh ♪
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
♪ Baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ right now this seems
Other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ right now this seems
real to you ♪
♪ Right now this seems
real to you ♪
♪ but it's one of those things
Real to you ♪
♪ but it's one of those things
you gotta feel to be true ♪
♪ But it's one of those things
you gotta feel to be true ♪
[♪...]
♪ Somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
Somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
♪ who knows, maybe you
Around some ♪
♪ who knows, maybe you
were kidnapped, tied up,
♪ Who knows, maybe you
were kidnapped, tied up,
taken away and held for ransom ♪
Were kidnapped, tied up,
taken away and held for ransom ♪
♪ baby, it don't make no
Taken away and held for ransom ♪
♪ baby, it don't make no
difference to me, honey ♪
♪ Baby, it don't make no
difference to me, honey ♪
♪ everybody's had
Difference to me, honey ♪
♪ everybody's had
to fight to be free ♪
♪ Everybody's had
to fight to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
To fight to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, baby, you don't
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, baby, you don't
have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ Oh, baby, you don't
have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
Have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh. ♪
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh. ♪
[♪...]
[♪...]
[Music ends,
cheers and applause]
Announcer: and now,
"weekend update," with the
"weekend update" news team,
"Weekend update," with the
"weekend update" news team,
your anchorpersons, bill murray
"Weekend update" news team,
your anchorpersons, bill murray
and jane curtain.
Your anchorpersons, bill murray
and jane curtain.
Good evening,
And jane curtain.
Good evening,
I'm jane curtain.
Good evening,
I'm jane curtain.
Here now, the news.
I'm jane curtain.
Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight...
Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight...
The chase manhattan bank
Our top story tonight...
The chase manhattan bank
this week raised its prime
The chase manhattan bank
this week raised its prime
lending rate to 100%.
This week raised its prime
lending rate to 100%.
The bank's spokesperson said
Lending rate to 100%.
The bank's spokesperson said
that the move eliminates the
The bank's spokesperson said
that the move eliminates the
need for computers, calculators,
That the move eliminates the
need for computers, calculators,
clerks and accountants.
Need for computers, calculators,
clerks and accountants.
All the bank needs is somebody
Clerks and accountants.
All the bank needs is somebody
around who can multiply by two.
All the bank needs is somebody
around who can multiply by two.
Campaigning in chicago this
Around who can multiply by two.
Campaigning in chicago this
week, presidential contender ted
Campaigning in chicago this
week, presidential contender ted
kennedy was hit in the left
Week, presidential contender ted
kennedy was hit in the left
shoulder with an egg.
Kennedy was hit in the left
shoulder with an egg.
Ironically, his motorcade had
Shoulder with an egg.
Ironically, his motorcade had
just passed the illinois
Ironically, his motorcade had
just passed the illinois
egg depository.
Just passed the illinois
egg depository.
A disappointing turnout greeted
Egg depository.
A disappointing turnout greeted
folk singer joan baez as she
A disappointing turnout greeted
folk singer joan baez as she
began her concert tour of
Folk singer joan baez as she
began her concert tour of
refugee camps in thailand.
Began her concert tour of
refugee camps in thailand.
Promoters of the tour said the
Refugee camps in thailand.
Promoters of the tour said the
light attendance was possibly
Promoters of the tour said the
light attendance was possibly
due to the price of tickets
Light attendance was possibly
due to the price of tickets
which were scaled from $17.50 to
Due to the price of tickets
which were scaled from $17.50 to
$30. Bill?
Which were scaled from $17.50 to
$30. Bill?
Last week, the world health
$30. Bill?
Last week, the world health
organization announced that
Last week, the world health
organization announced that
smallpox had finally been wiped
Organization announced that
smallpox had finally been wiped
off the face of the earth.
Smallpox had finally been wiped
off the face of the earth.
We're sorry to report that,
Off the face of the earth.
We're sorry to report that,
today, it broke out at the other
We're sorry to report that,
today, it broke out at the other
end, buffalo, new york.
Today, it broke out at the other
end, buffalo, new york.
Get well soon, buffalo.
End, buffalo, new york.
Get well soon, buffalo.
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
Get well soon, buffalo.
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
this week where she visited
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
this week where she visited
a camp of sick and starving
This week where she visited
a camp of sick and starving
cambodian refugees.
A camp of sick and starving
cambodian refugees.
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
Cambodian refugees.
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
mother, the experience was
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
mother, the experience was
emotionally overwhelming," and
Mother, the experience was
emotionally overwhelming," and
pledged to raise american
Emotionally overwhelming," and
pledged to raise american
consciousness of the situation
Pledged to raise american
consciousness of the situation
by starving her own daughter,
Consciousness of the situation
by starving her own daughter,
amy. Jane?
By starving her own daughter,
amy. Jane?
It has been brought to our
Amy. Jane?
It has been brought to our
attention that, in a recent
It has been brought to our
attention that, in a recent
"weekend update" editorial, we
Attention that, in a recent
"weekend update" editorial, we
offended a good portion of our
"Weekend update" editorial, we
offended a good portion of our
audience by claiming that all
Offended a good portion of our
audience by claiming that all
black people have gotten
Audience by claiming that all
black people have gotten
consistently poor grades
Black people have gotten
consistently poor grades
in geography.
Consistently poor grades
in geography.
Well, we're sorry.
In geography.
Well, we're sorry.
What we meant to say
Well, we're sorry.
What we meant to say
was all black people look
What we meant to say
was all black people look
like charles kuralt.
Was all black people look
like charles kuralt.
This week, "weekend update" is
Like charles kuralt.
This week, "weekend update" is
debuting a new feature,
This week, "weekend update" is
debuting a new feature,
"your turn," in which welcome
Debuting a new feature,
"your turn," in which welcome
concerned citizens to express
"Your turn," in which welcome
concerned citizens to express
their views on issues in
Concerned citizens to express
their views on issues in
our society.
Their views on issues in
our society.
Today, to speak on behalf of the
Our society.
Today, to speak on behalf of the
chemical industry is industry
Today, to speak on behalf of the
chemical industry is industry
spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Chemical industry is industry
spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Thank you, jane.
Spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Thank you, jane.
You know, these days, a lot of
Thank you, jane.
You know, these days, a lot of
people think that anything
You know, these days, a lot of
people think that anything
chemical is bad and anything
People think that anything
chemical is bad and anything
natural is good.
Chemical is bad and anything
natural is good.
Now, what these people forget is
Natural is good.
Now, what these people forget is
that nature is chemicals.
Now, what these people forget is
that nature is chemicals.
Now, one of the reasons I think
That nature is chemicals.
Now, one of the reasons I think
people have this prejudice
Now, one of the reasons I think
people have this prejudice
against chemistry is that it
People have this prejudice
against chemistry is that it
was such a difficult subject
Against chemistry is that it
was such a difficult subject
in school.
Was such a difficult subject
in school.
I admit it myself.
In school.
I admit it myself.
That's why I majored
I admit it myself.
That's why I majored
in public relations.
That's why I majored
in public relations.
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
In public relations.
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
communicating with people than I
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
communicating with people than I
am at figuring out complicated
Communicating with people than I
am at figuring out complicated
equations and formulas.
Am at figuring out complicated
equations and formulas.
Now, the other day, I was eating
Equations and formulas.
Now, the other day, I was eating
lunch at a chemical factory when
Now, the other day, I was eating
lunch at a chemical factory when
one of the lab scientists said
Lunch at a chemical factory when
one of the lab scientists said
to me, "jack, you want
One of the lab scientists said
to me, "jack, you want
some sodium chloride on
To me, "jack, you want
some sodium chloride on
your baked potato?"
Some sodium chloride on
your baked potato?"
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
Your baked potato?"
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
chemicals away from my food."
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
chemicals away from my food."
And said, "jack, sodium
Chemicals away from my food."
And said, "jack, sodium
chloride... Nacl."
And said, "jack, sodium
chloride... Nacl."
And I said, "I don't care what
Chloride... Nacl."
And I said, "I don't care what
you call it, I don't want any
And I said, "I don't care what
you call it, I don't want any
sodium chloride near my potato."
You call it, I don't want any
sodium chloride near my potato."
Well, you know what sodium
Sodium chloride near my potato."
Well, you know what sodium
chloride turned out to be?
Well, you know what sodium
chloride turned out to be?
Simple table salt.
Chloride turned out to be?
Simple table salt.
Pretty harmless.
Simple table salt.
Pretty harmless.
Well... No sooner is that
Pretty harmless.
Well... No sooner is that
amusing episode over when I say,
Well... No sooner is that
amusing episode over when I say,
"boy, my soup sure is hot."
Amusing episode over when I say,
"boy, my soup sure is hot."
And this chemist says,
"Boy, my soup sure is hot."
And this chemist says,
"why don't you put some
And this chemist says,
"why don't you put some
dihydrogen oxide in it?"
"Why don't you put some
dihydrogen oxide in it?"
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Dihydrogen oxide in it?"
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And he said,
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And he said,
"dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
And he said,
"dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
Well, even I know what h2o is:
"Dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
Well, even I know what h2o is:
simple water.
Well, even I know what h2o is:
simple water.
Well, I guess eating would be
Simple water.
Well, I guess eating would be
kind of boring without old nacl
Well, I guess eating would be
kind of boring without old nacl
and life would be pretty
Kind of boring without old nacl
and life would be pretty
near impossible without
And life would be pretty
near impossible without
dihydrogen oxide.
Near impossible without
dihydrogen oxide.
So, you see, without chemicals,
Dihydrogen oxide.
So, you see, without chemicals,
life would be boring and
So, you see, without chemicals,
life would be boring and
impossible. Jane?
Life would be boring and
impossible. Jane?
Thank you, jack.
Impossible. Jane?
Thank you, jack.
Hey, jack, how would you
Thank you, jack.
Hey, jack, how would you
like a glass of h2so4?
Hey, jack, how would you
like a glass of h2so4?
Well, sure, jane.
Like a glass of h2so4?
Well, sure, jane.
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, sure, jane.
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, it's nothing more than
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, it's nothing more than
simple, household sulfuric acid.
Well, it's nothing more than
simple, household sulfuric acid.
[Gagging loudly]
The pentagon announced that
yesterday afternoon a computer
malfunction sent out a false
Yesterday afternoon a computer
malfunction sent out a false
alert of a soviet m*ssile
Malfunction sent out a false
alert of a soviet m*ssile
attack, causing 10 u.s. And
Alert of a soviet m*ssile
attack, causing 10 u.s. And
canadian interceptors to take
Attack, causing 10 u.s. And
canadian interceptors to take
off from their bases.
Canadian interceptors to take
off from their bases.
The foul-up was corrected within
Off from their bases.
The foul-up was corrected within
six minutes and the false alert
The foul-up was corrected within
six minutes and the false alert
never reached president carter,
Six minutes and the false alert
never reached president carter,
defense secretary harold brown
Never reached president carter,
defense secretary harold brown
or general david jones, chairmen
Defense secretary harold brown
or general david jones, chairmen
of the joint chiefs of staff.
Or general david jones, chairmen
of the joint chiefs of staff.
However, strangely enough, the
Of the joint chiefs of staff.
However, strangely enough, the
report did reach allen ludden
However, strangely enough, the
report did reach allen ludden
and betty white, singer
Report did reach allen ludden
and betty white, singer
roy clark and the entire cast
And betty white, singer
roy clark and the entire cast
of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Roy clark and the entire cast
of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Testifying before a senate
Of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Testifying before a senate
economic committee this week,
Testifying before a senate
economic committee this week,
federal reserve chairman paul
Economic committee this week,
federal reserve chairman paul
volcker said that balancing
Federal reserve chairman paul
volcker said that balancing
the federal budget was as easy
Volcker said that balancing
the federal budget was as easy
as smoking a cigar through
The federal budget was as easy
as smoking a cigar through
your forehead.
As smoking a cigar through
your forehead.
The results of the first
Your forehead.
The results of the first
"weekend update" glickman poll
The results of the first
"weekend update" glickman poll
of president hopefuls were
"Weekend update" glickman poll
of president hopefuls were
released today.
Of president hopefuls were
released today.
Our staff sampling revealed the
Released today.
Our staff sampling revealed the
following figures: carter,
Our staff sampling revealed the
following figures: carter,
33-1/3%; kennedy, 33-1/3% and
Following figures: carter,
33-1/3%; kennedy, 33-1/3% and
glickman, 33-1/3%.
33-1/3%; Kennedy, 33-1/3% and
glickman, 33-1/3%.
Good luck, glick.
Glickman, 33-1/3%.
Good luck, glick.
And the pope announced on friday
Good luck, glick.
And the pope announced on friday
that the central government of
And the pope announced on friday
that the central government of
the catholic church is in
That the central government of
the catholic church is in
serious financial trouble and
The catholic church is in
serious financial trouble and
expects a budget deficit
Serious financial trouble and
expects a budget deficit
this year of $20.2 million.
Expects a budget deficit
this year of $20.2 million.
It seems that repercussions have
This year of $20.2 million.
It seems that repercussions have
even reached as far as "the find
It seems that repercussions have
even reached as far as "the find
the popes in the pizza" contest.
Even reached as far as "the find
the popes in the pizza" contest.
Here with the details is father
The popes in the pizza" contest.
Here with the details is father
guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
Here with the details is father
guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
[Cheers and applause]
Guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
[Cheers and applause]
the response from "the find
[Cheers and applause]
the response from "the find
the popes in the pizza contest"
The response from "the find
the popes in the pizza contest"
has just been fantastic.
The popes in the pizza contest"
has just been fantastic.
Over 50 million entries came
Has just been fantastic.
Over 50 million entries came
into nbc and then was
Over 50 million entries came
into nbc and then was
transported to the vatican, and
Into nbc and then was
transported to the vatican, and
in rome, it's just amazing.
Transported to the vatican, and
in rome, it's just amazing.
Everyone was delighted by
In rome, it's just amazing.
Everyone was delighted by
the amount of entries.
Everyone was delighted by
the amount of entries.
But also, it made a little
The amount of entries.
But also, it made a little
problem for us, to tell you
But also, it made a little
problem for us, to tell you
the truth.
Problem for us, to tell you
the truth.
We thought one, maybe two people
The truth.
We thought one, maybe two people
would be able to find all
We thought one, maybe two people
would be able to find all
264 popes in the pizza.
Would be able to find all
264 popes in the pizza.
I mean, it was only on there for
264 Popes in the pizza.
I mean, it was only on there for
30 seconds on the screen.
I mean, it was only on there for
30 seconds on the screen.
But the judges, they found that
30 Seconds on the screen.
But the judges, they found that
out of 50 million entries,
But the judges, they found that
out of 50 million entries,
almost 2,000 people found
Out of 50 million entries,
almost 2,000 people found
all of the popes.
Almost 2,000 people found
all of the popes.
And, as you know, I did promise
All of the popes.
And, as you know, I did promise
that the winner would get
And, as you know, I did promise
that the winner would get
to have this button, says,
That the winner would get
to have this button, says,
"I saw the pope on tv."
To have this button, says,
"I saw the pope on tv."
But, most unfortunately, we're
"I saw the pope on tv."
But, most unfortunately, we're
just not in the financial
But, most unfortunately, we're
just not in the financial
position at present time to make
Just not in the financial
position at present time to make
up 2,000 buttons.
Position at present time to make
up 2,000 buttons.
It's just not a burden we can
Up 2,000 buttons.
It's just not a burden we can
take on our shoulders at
It's just not a burden we can
take on our shoulders at
the present time.
Take on our shoulders at
the present time.
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
The present time.
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
all of the finalists here, all
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
all of the finalists here, all
2,000 winners, in this hopper
All of the finalists here, all
2,000 winners, in this hopper
and I'm gonna mix up these
2,000 Winners, in this hopper
and I'm gonna mix up these
letters and pick out one winner
And I'm gonna mix up these
letters and pick out one winner
who gets to have the button.
Letters and pick out one winner
who gets to have the button.
Look at all of these letters.
Who gets to have the button.
Look at all of these letters.
Isn't it amazing?
Look at all of these letters.
Isn't it amazing?
But this is nothing compared
Isn't it amazing?
But this is nothing compared
to the letters that came
But this is nothing compared
to the letters that came
into the mailroom.
To the letters that came
into the mailroom.
They just came in by the tons.
Into the mailroom.
They just came in by the tons.
You should have seen them,
They just came in by the tons.
You should have seen them,
just coming in.
You should have seen them,
just coming in.
We got this film,
Just coming in.
We got this film,
if we can roll it.
We got this film,
if we can roll it.
Let me show all the letters...
If we can roll it.
Let me show all the letters...
There it is.
Let me show all the letters...
There it is.
Look at it, look at that fellow.
There it is.
Look at it, look at that fellow.
They says that's more letters
Look at it, look at that fellow.
They says that's more letters
that nbc got since
They says that's more letters
that nbc got since
they canceled "bonanza."
That nbc got since
they canceled "bonanza."
Letters from all over the world,
They canceled "bonanza."
Letters from all over the world,
some even from as far away as
Letters from all over the world,
some even from as far away as
japan and mexico.
Some even from as far away as
japan and mexico.
Look at all of those letters,
Japan and mexico.
Look at all of those letters,
I'm telling you.
Look at all of those letters,
I'm telling you.
"Find the pope in the pizza,
I'm telling you.
"Find the pope in the pizza,
find the pope in the pizza...
"Find the pope in the pizza,
find the pope in the pizza...
Another one, another one...
Find the pope in the pizza...
Another one, another one...
That's another one there.
Another one, another one...
That's another one there.
Another one,
That's another one there.
Another one,
that's another one."
Another one,
that's another one."
What's this?
That's another one."
What's this?
He finds this one letter,
What's this?
He finds this one letter,
doesn't know what to do with it.
He finds this one letter,
doesn't know what to do with it.
It's for belushi.
Doesn't know what to do with it.
It's for belushi.
"Return to sender,
It's for belushi.
"Return to sender,
address unknown."
"Return to sender,
address unknown."
That's nbc's switchboard.
Address unknown."
That's nbc's switchboard.
All the people calling in,
That's nbc's switchboard.
All the people calling in,
making sure they have
All the people calling in,
making sure they have
the correct address.
Making sure they have
the correct address.
Then, about a week ago, all
The correct address.
Then, about a week ago, all
kinds of people started showing
Then, about a week ago, all
kinds of people started showing
up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Kinds of people started showing
up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Everybody wanted to be there
Up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Everybody wanted to be there
when they named the winner.
Everybody wanted to be there
when they named the winner.
Too bad it didn't happen there
When they named the winner.
Too bad it didn't happen there
but it was really fun in there.
Too bad it didn't happen there
but it was really fun in there.
Reminded me of woodstock.
But it was really fun in there.
Reminded me of woodstock.
Very exciting.
Reminded me of woodstock.
Very exciting.
There was some
Very exciting.
There was some
counter-demonstrations from
There was some
counter-demonstrations from
the italian presbyterians.
Counter-demonstrations from
the italian presbyterians.
They're just jealous because
The italian presbyterians.
They're just jealous because
they don't have their own pope.
They're just jealous because
they don't have their own pope.
They got a real chip on
They don't have their own pope.
They got a real chip on
their shoulders.
They got a real chip on
their shoulders.
Look at this, see that?
Their shoulders.
Look at this, see that?
That's the presbyterian salute.
Look at this, see that?
That's the presbyterian salute.
That's to you too, buddy.
That's the presbyterian salute.
That's to you too, buddy.
You know where you can put it.
That's to you too, buddy.
You know where you can put it.
Well, this is it.
You know where you can put it.
Well, this is it.
This is it now.
Well, this is it.
This is it now.
Let's see who's a-gonna
This is it now.
Let's see who's a-gonna
win this thing.
Let's see who's a-gonna
win this thing.
I'm pretty excited.
Win this thing.
I'm pretty excited.
This is the winner.
I'm pretty excited.
This is the winner.
His name... It's a him...
This is the winner.
His name... It's a him...
His name is wolf zimmerman from
His name... It's a him...
His name is wolf zimmerman from
evanston, illinois.
His name is wolf zimmerman from
evanston, illinois.
Congratulations, wolf.
Evanston, illinois.
Congratulations, wolf.
Everybody, wolf...
Congratulations, wolf.
Everybody, wolf...
Wolf, I take my hat
Everybody, wolf...
Wolf, I take my hat
symbolically off to you.
Wolf, I take my hat
symbolically off to you.
And to all of the people who
Symbolically off to you.
And to all of the people who
entered and didn't win,
And to all of the people who
entered and didn't win,
I would like to say thank you
Entered and didn't win,
I would like to say thank you
for entering.
I would like to say thank you
for entering.
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
For entering.
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
You know, what are you gonna do?
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
You know, what are you gonna do?
It's just a contest, right?
You know, what are you gonna do?
It's just a contest, right?
You know, someday, maybe
It's just a contest, right?
You know, someday, maybe
there'll be another contest.
You know, someday, maybe
there'll be another contest.
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
There'll be another contest.
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
mail to you, you know, just as
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
mail to you, you know, just as
soon as I get around to it.
Mail to you, you know, just as
soon as I get around to it.
Weighs pretty much.
Soon as I get around to it.
Weighs pretty much.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
Weighs pretty much.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
get the money to mail it.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
get the money to mail it.
You know, wolf, maybe you could
Get the money to mail it.
You know, wolf, maybe you could
send me a couple of bucks just
You know, wolf, maybe you could
send me a couple of bucks just
to cover postage...
Send me a couple of bucks just
to cover postage...
Five, six, $10 for sure
To cover postage...
Five, six, $10 for sure
should be plenty.
Five, six, $10 for sure
should be plenty.
And to those of you who didn't
Should be plenty.
And to those of you who didn't
win, once again, I would like to
And to those of you who didn't
win, once again, I would like to
tell you the words of, I think
Win, once again, I would like to
tell you the words of, I think
it was st. Matthew who said, "it
Tell you the words of, I think
it was st. Matthew who said, "it
is probably better to have
It was st. Matthew who said, "it
is probably better to have
entered and lost than not to
Is probably better to have
entered and lost than not to
have entered at all."
Entered and lost than not to
have entered at all."
Arrivederci, america!
Have entered at all."
Arrivederci, america!
[Cheers and applause]
Arrivederci, america!
[Cheers and applause]
that's the news.
[Cheers and applause]
that's the news.
We hope our buddy al camoin
That's the news.
We hope our buddy al camoin
is feeling better.
We hope our buddy al camoin
is feeling better.
Good night, and have
Is feeling better.
Good night, and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
Good night, and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause]
[Alarm clock rings]
Announcer: it's 7 a.m.
In baltimore.
Time for "bad clams"
With the conklins.
And here they are,
Stan and trish.
Both: good morning,
baltimore.
Well, that was some beautiful
Baltimore.
Well, that was some beautiful
day we had yesterday,
Well, that was some beautiful
day we had yesterday,
wasn't it, trish?
Day we had yesterday,
wasn't it, trish?
Oh, stan, that sun
Wasn't it, trish?
Oh, stan, that sun
felt real good.
Oh, stan, that sun
felt real good.
It tried real hard to break
Felt real good.
It tried real hard to break
through those clouds and about
It tried real hard to break
through those clouds and about
2:00 it finally burst through,
Through those clouds and about
2:00 it finally burst through,
and we were blessed with such
2:00 It finally burst through,
and we were blessed with such
a wonderful afternoon.
And we were blessed with such
a wonderful afternoon.
Yes, from our studio windows
A wonderful afternoon.
Yes, from our studio windows
yesterday, we could see people
Yes, from our studio windows
yesterday, we could see people
strolling out to the park.
Yesterday, we could see people
strolling out to the park.
I saw someone
Strolling out to the park.
I saw someone
playing frisbee.
I saw someone
playing frisbee.
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
Playing frisbee.
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
day, and I'm keeping my fingers
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
day, and I'm keeping my fingers
crossed for this afternoon.
Day, and I'm keeping my fingers
crossed for this afternoon.
So are mine, stan.
Crossed for this afternoon.
So are mine, stan.
You know, last night, stan and I
So are mine, stan.
You know, last night, stan and I
caught this little film,
You know, last night, stan and I
caught this little film,
"breaking away..." >> Yes.
Caught this little film,
"breaking away..." >> Yes.
Which just opened at the
"Breaking away..." >> Yes.
Which just opened at the
whitman mall cinema, and we just
Which just opened at the
whitman mall cinema, and we just
adored it, didn't we, stan?
Whitman mall cinema, and we just
adored it, didn't we, stan?
Oh, it's a fun film.
Adored it, didn't we, stan?
Oh, it's a fun film.
It made us laugh...
Oh, it's a fun film.
It made us laugh...
[Exaggerated chuckling]
It made us laugh...
[Exaggerated chuckling]
and, you know, trish and I
[Exaggerated chuckling]
and, you know, trish and I
remarked that the thing we liked
And, you know, trish and I
remarked that the thing we liked
most about it was that it is
Remarked that the thing we liked
most about it was that it is
the kind of film that you don't
Most about it was that it is
the kind of film that you don't
have to be afraid to take
The kind of film that you don't
have to be afraid to take
the kids to.
Have to be afraid to take
the kids to.
It really is a good
The kids to.
It really is a good
family film.
It really is a good
family film.
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
Family film.
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
these bad clams today?
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
these bad clams today?
Ooh, god!
These bad clams today?
Ooh, god!
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god!
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god, well,
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god, well,
who's gonna eat 'em?
Ooh, god, well,
who's gonna eat 'em?
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Who's gonna eat 'em?
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Come on!
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Come on!
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
Come on!
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
it's your turn to guess.
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
it's your turn to guess.
Well, trish, give me a hint.
It's your turn to guess.
Well, trish, give me a hint.
Well, stan...
Well, trish, give me a hint.
Well, stan...
Uh-huh.
Well, stan...
Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Has starred in movies
Red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Has starred in movies
and the stage... >> Yes.
Has starred in movies
and the stage... >> Yes.
But is probably best known as
And the stage... >> Yes.
But is probably best known as
the first lady in television.
But is probably best known as
the first lady in television.
Can you guess who it is, stan?
The first lady in television.
Can you guess who it is, stan?
It's not lucy, is it?
Can you guess who it is, stan?
It's not lucy, is it?
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
It's not lucy, is it?
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
Yes!
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
Yes!
[Applause]
Yes!
[Applause]
hi, stan.
[Applause]
hi, stan.
Hi, trish.
Hi, stan.
Hi, trish.
Hi, lucy.
Hi, trish.
Hi, lucy.
Good to see you again.
Hi, lucy.
Good to see you again.
Oh, it's been so long.
Good to see you again.
Oh, it's been so long.
Seems like I just never
Oh, it's been so long.
Seems like I just never
get to baltimore as much
Seems like I just never
get to baltimore as much
as I'd like to.
Get to baltimore as much
as I'd like to.
Let's sit down,
As I'd like to.
Let's sit down,
let's sit down. [Laughs]
Let's sit down,
let's sit down. [Laughs]
stan, I bet it's lucy who
Let's sit down. [Laughs]
stan, I bet it's lucy who
brought us all this sunshine.
Stan, I bet it's lucy who
brought us all this sunshine.
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
Brought us all this sunshine.
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
But my fingers are crossed that
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
But my fingers are crossed that
this nice weather holds up.
But my fingers are crossed that
this nice weather holds up.
So our ours.
This nice weather holds up.
So our ours.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
So our ours.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
Eat the clams.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
Eat the clams.
They really smell
Eat the clams.
They really smell
bad today, stan.
They really smell
bad today, stan.
You know, lucy's right.
Bad today, stan.
You know, lucy's right.
You know, these chesapeake clams
You know, lucy's right.
You know, these chesapeake clams
have been sitting in the back of
You know, these chesapeake clams
have been sitting in the back of
our studio for days now.
Have been sitting in the back of
our studio for days now.
As usual, they haven't
Our studio for days now.
As usual, they haven't
been refrigerated.
As usual, they haven't
been refrigerated.
They've just been sitting there
Been refrigerated.
They've just been sitting there
in this pile of hot lights,
They've just been sitting there
in this pile of hot lights,
where they've been allowed
In this pile of hot lights,
where they've been allowed
to spoil, change color and
Where they've been allowed
to spoil, change color and
become extremely rancid.
To spoil, change color and
become extremely rancid.
Lucy, lucy, I think
Become extremely rancid.
Lucy, lucy, I think
we've spent enough time
Lucy, lucy, I think
we've spent enough time
talking about them.
We've spent enough time
talking about them.
Now we better start eating them.
Talking about them.
Now we better start eating them.
All right, you know, I really
Now we better start eating them.
All right, you know, I really
only do this because I love stan
All right, you know, I really
only do this because I love stan
and trish and all the people in
Only do this because I love stan
and trish and all the people in
the baltimore area.
And trish and all the people in
the baltimore area.
Here you go, lucy.
The baltimore area.
Here you go, lucy.
Boy, they smell bad!
Here you go, lucy.
Boy, they smell bad!
There you go, yeah.
Boy, they smell bad!
There you go, yeah.
This is the worst thing
There you go, yeah.
This is the worst thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
This is the worst thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
I've ever tasted in my life.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
juice, don't forget the juice.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
juice, don't forget the juice.
Come on.
Juice, don't forget the juice.
Come on.
Oh!
Come on.
Oh!
Stop bitching, lucy,
Oh!
Stop bitching, lucy,
we've got a long way to go.
Stop bitching, lucy,
we've got a long way to go.
I think we have about
We've got a long way to go.
I think we have about
300 clams in this pile.
I think we have about
300 clams in this pile.
Can I have some
300 Clams in this pile.
Can I have some
coffee, please?
Can I have some
coffee, please?
Just a little bit of coffee.
Coffee, please?
Just a little bit of coffee.
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Just a little bit of coffee.
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
and eat the clams, and don't
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
and eat the clams, and don't
forget the juice now.
And eat the clams, and don't
forget the juice now.
Stop it, stan!
Forget the juice now.
Stop it, stan!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Stop it, stan!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Boy, she's feisty today!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Boy, she's feisty today!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Boy, she's feisty today!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Come on, come on, lucy!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Come on, come on, lucy!
Well, it seems that our time
Come on, come on, lucy!
Well, it seems that our time
has run out.
Well, it seems that our time
has run out.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
Has run out.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
levenson eats some bad clams.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
levenson eats some bad clams.
[♪..., Applause]
Um, grandma, uh...
School's really good.
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
School's really good.
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
and I got, uh... I got a lot of
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
and I got, uh... I got a lot of
good friends and stuff, uh...
And I got, uh... I got a lot of
good friends and stuff, uh...
That's, that's nice, dear.
Good friends and stuff, uh...
That's, that's nice, dear.
Uh, and I got a lot of
That's, that's nice, dear.
Uh, and I got a lot of
classes and, uh...
Uh, and I got a lot of
classes and, uh...
Announcer: talking to
Classes and, uh...
Announcer: talking to
your grandparents doesn't
Announcer: talking to
your grandparents doesn't
have to be a clumsy and
Your grandparents doesn't
have to be a clumsy and
uncomfortable experience.
Have to be a clumsy and
uncomfortable experience.
When you know the right things
Uncomfortable experience.
When you know the right things
to say, your grandparents can be
When you know the right things
to say, your grandparents can be
an inexhaustible source of joy,
To say, your grandparents can be
an inexhaustible source of joy,
history and gifts.
An inexhaustible source of joy,
history and gifts.
And math.
History and gifts.
And math.
Nana, grandpa!
And math.
Nana, grandpa!
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
Nana, grandpa!
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
you're both here.
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
you're both here.
I like you so much more than
You're both here.
I like you so much more than
my other grandparents.
I like you so much more than
my other grandparents.
Oh, my, you're precious.
My other grandparents.
Oh, my, you're precious.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Oh, my, you're precious.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Yes, here, darling.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Yes, here, darling.
I want you to take
Yes, here, darling.
I want you to take
this dollar and buy yourself
I want you to take
this dollar and buy yourself
something special.
This dollar and buy yourself
something special.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
Something special.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Well, let me look at it!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Well, let me look at it!
My, my, what's all
Well, let me look at it!
My, my, what's all
the commotion about?
My, my, what's all
the commotion about?
We were just talking
The commotion about?
We were just talking
to little debbie.
We were just talking
to little debbie.
Oh, she's so full of life.
To little debbie.
Oh, she's so full of life.
Little debbie?
Oh, she's so full of life.
Little debbie?
That's funny, she usually
Little debbie?
That's funny, she usually
clams up around old people.
That's funny, she usually
clams up around old people.
How come, how come grandpa
Clams up around old people.
How come, how come grandpa
gave you the dollar?
How come, how come grandpa
gave you the dollar?
'Cause I know the right
Gave you the dollar?
'Cause I know the right
things to say, and you can too
'Cause I know the right
things to say, and you can too
if you listen to this record,
Things to say, and you can too
if you listen to this record,
"how to talk to
If you listen to this record,
"how to talk to
your grandparents."
"How to talk to
your grandparents."
Announcer: lesson one...
Your grandparents."
Announcer: lesson one...
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
Announcer: lesson one...
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
Tell me about
Better than watching television.
Tell me about
your operation, grandfather.
Tell me about
your operation, grandfather.
Why don't you two move
Your operation, grandfather.
Why don't you two move
in with us?
Why don't you two move
in with us?
It would be no bother at all."
In with us?
It would be no bother at all."
Listen and repeat.
It would be no bother at all."
Listen and repeat.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
Listen and repeat.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
Hi, grandma."
Better than watching television.
Hi, grandma."
Both: hi, grandma!
Hi, grandma."
Both: hi, grandma!
Announcer: "being with you
Both: hi, grandma!
Announcer: "being with you
is better than
Announcer: "being with you
is better than
watching television."
Is better than
watching television."
Both: being with you is
Watching television."
Both: being with you is
better than watching television.
Both: being with you is
better than watching television.
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
Better than watching television.
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
being with you is better
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
being with you is better
than watching television."
Being with you is better
than watching television."
Both: hi, grandma,
Than watching television."
Both: hi, grandma,
being with you is better than
Both: hi, grandma,
being with you is better than
watching television.
Being with you is better than
watching television.
Announcer: in less time
Watching television.
Announcer: in less time
than it takes to learn
Announcer: in less time
than it takes to learn
a foreign language, you can be
Than it takes to learn
a foreign language, you can be
speaking comfortably with
A foreign language, you can be
speaking comfortably with
your grandparents.
Speaking comfortably with
your grandparents.
"How to talk to your
Your grandparents.
"How to talk to your
grandparents" will have you
"How to talk to your
grandparents" will have you
chatting with grandma and
Grandparents" will have you
chatting with grandma and
grandpa about these and many
Chatting with grandma and
grandpa about these and many
other subjects: how good
Grandpa about these and many
other subjects: how good
they look, gifts that you
Other subjects: how good
they look, gifts that you
acknowledge, gifts that you hint
They look, gifts that you
acknowledge, gifts that you hint
at, their last operation, cute
Acknowledge, gifts that you hint
at, their last operation, cute
things the dog did, you as
At, their last operation, cute
things the dog did, you as
a baby, vegetable gardens,
Things the dog did, you as
a baby, vegetable gardens,
flower gardens, the weather...
A baby, vegetable gardens,
flower gardens, the weather...
And many, many more.
Flower gardens, the weather...
And many, many more.
Just look at the results.
And many, many more.
Just look at the results.
I found speaking to my
Just look at the results.
I found speaking to my
grandparents much more bearable
I found speaking to my
grandparents much more bearable
after hearing just one side
Grandparents much more bearable
after hearing just one side
of this record.
After hearing just one side
of this record.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
Of this record.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
wasn't even my birthday.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
wasn't even my birthday.
Talking to my grandparents
Wasn't even my birthday.
Talking to my grandparents
sure beats selling seeds.
Talking to my grandparents
sure beats selling seeds.
I'm using my money to buy
Sure beats selling seeds.
I'm using my money to buy
a transistor radio.
I'm using my money to buy
a transistor radio.
Well, we hate to leave,
A transistor radio.
Well, we hate to leave,
but I'm afraid we have to,
Well, we hate to leave,
but I'm afraid we have to,
and I must say, I can't
But I'm afraid we have to,
and I must say, I can't
remember when we've had
And I must say, I can't
remember when we've had
a more delightful visit.
Remember when we've had
a more delightful visit.
Ditto.
A more delightful visit.
Ditto.
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
Ditto.
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
next time to you come,
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
next time to you come,
I hope you act more your age.
Next time to you come,
I hope you act more your age.
You two are so young at heart,
I hope you act more your age.
You two are so young at heart,
I wouldn't be surprised to see
You two are so young at heart,
I wouldn't be surprised to see
you carrying electric guitars.
I wouldn't be surprised to see
you carrying electric guitars.
Yeah, it sure was fun
You carrying electric guitars.
Yeah, it sure was fun
talking about the weather,
Yeah, it sure was fun
talking about the weather,
grandma and grandpa.
Talking about the weather,
grandma and grandpa.
I hope the trees were
Grandma and grandpa.
I hope the trees were
leafy enough for you.
I hope the trees were
leafy enough for you.
You know, mom, many of
Leafy enough for you.
You know, mom, many of
our friends still confuse us
You know, mom, many of
our friends still confuse us
for sisters.
Our friends still confuse us
for sisters.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
For sisters.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Listen, come back soon.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Listen, come back soon.
You two don't visit us
Listen, come back soon.
You two don't visit us
often enough.
You two don't visit us
often enough.
Well, aren't you sweet?
Often enough.
Well, aren't you sweet?
Here's a dollar.
Announcer: "how to talk to
Your grandparents," the record
That makes everyone's life
A little richer.
[Applause]
I can remember... The nurses
Saying something about
"Code pink," and then clearly
I remember one of the doctors
Saying, "he's gone."
I couldn't understand how
They could be so worried when...
I felt so happy to be outside
Of my body, and so peaceful.
It was fabulous.
Everything was bathed in a,
An eerie white light.
Suddenly I found myself in
A huge, white room...
Where I had to take
A number and be seated.
I must have died because
I recognized my body was
Rising up like an elevator.
And I was passing through these
Rounds of light and time and
Space, and all of a sudden,
I came to this area which was
Filled blindingly with light and
Energy and space.
Then I had to take
A number and sit down.
I was flying down this
Corridor with this blue light,
And, um, I ended up in this room
Where I had to reach up
And take a number
And then sit down.
[Eerie music plays...]
[Applause]
[coughing]
Oh!
Oh... Honey, remember when
the doctor warned me about
Oh... Honey, remember when
the doctor warned me about
my lung breaking up?
The doctor warned me about
my lung breaking up?
Well, I think this is it.
My lung breaking up?
Well, I think this is it.
I, I really think I just coughed
Well, I think this is it.
I, I really think I just coughed
up a piece of my lung.
I, I really think I just coughed
up a piece of my lung.
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
Up a piece of my lung.
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
a piece of your liver or, or
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
a piece of your liver or, or
your esophagus, don't you?
A piece of your liver or, or
your esophagus, don't you?
I'm not sure.
Your esophagus, don't you?
I'm not sure.
How often does this happen
I'm not sure.
How often does this happen
to you?
How often does this happen
to you?
You cough or just clear your
To you?
You cough or just clear your
throat and up comes what looks
You cough or just clear your
throat and up comes what looks
like a chunk of lung or some
Throat and up comes what looks
like a chunk of lung or some
other internal organ.
Like a chunk of lung or some
other internal organ.
Or you're cutting food
Other internal organ.
Or you're cutting food
in the kitchen...
Or you're cutting food
in the kitchen...
Oh!
In the kitchen...
Oh!
Oh, honey!
Oh!
Oh, honey!
I really did it this time!
Oh, honey!
I really did it this time!
This isn't just one of those...
I really did it this time!
This isn't just one of those...
Another deep cuts!
This isn't just one of those...
Another deep cuts!
This is serious!
Another deep cuts!
This is serious!
My finger's completely separated
This is serious!
My finger's completely separated
from my hand.
My finger's completely separated
from my hand.
Yeah, whoops!
From my hand.
Yeah, whoops!
Off comes a digit.
Yeah, whoops!
Off comes a digit.
You're not even sure whether
Off comes a digit.
You're not even sure whether
it's worth keeping, but just
You're not even sure whether
it's worth keeping, but just
in case, you wrap it in a
It's worth keeping, but just
in case, you wrap it in a
handkerchief, a kleenex or any
In case, you wrap it in a
handkerchief, a kleenex or any
other handy piece of fabric.
Handkerchief, a kleenex or any
other handy piece of fabric.
But by the time you arrive at
Other handy piece of fabric.
But by the time you arrive at
the hospital, the specimen is
But by the time you arrive at
the hospital, the specimen is
all dried up, fuzzy with fibers
The hospital, the specimen is
all dried up, fuzzy with fibers
and usually no good to anyone.
All dried up, fuzzy with fibers
and usually no good to anyone.
But not with zonell's new
And usually no good to anyone.
But not with zonell's new
speci-paks, the revolutionary
But not with zonell's new
speci-paks, the revolutionary
new way to store temporarily
Speci-paks, the revolutionary
new way to store temporarily
separated body fragments in an
New way to store temporarily
separated body fragments in an
easy one-step method.
Separated body fragments in an
easy one-step method.
Speci-paks are designed with an
Easy one-step method.
Speci-paks are designed with an
airtight seal and a water-tight
Speci-paks are designed with an
airtight seal and a water-tight
compartment for normal or
Airtight seal and a water-tight
compartment for normal or
dry ice storage.
Compartment for normal or
dry ice storage.
Just put the ice in, lay
Dry ice storage.
Just put the ice in, lay
the fragment or digit on the
Just put the ice in, lay
the fragment or digit on the
sterilized crelon pad and
The fragment or digit on the
sterilized crelon pad and
snap speci-pak closed.
Sterilized crelon pad and
snap speci-pak closed.
You'll be off to the hospital
Snap speci-pak closed.
You'll be off to the hospital
faster than you can say, "oh,
You'll be off to the hospital
faster than you can say, "oh,
my god," and satisfied knowing
Faster than you can say, "oh,
my god," and satisfied knowing
that part of your body is
My god," and satisfied knowing
that part of your body is
safe and secure.
That part of your body is
safe and secure.
So why delay?
Safe and secure.
So why delay?
Buy one today: they're available
So why delay?
Buy one today: they're available
in digit or limb size.
Buy one today: they're available
in digit or limb size.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
In digit or limb size.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
the finger.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
the finger.
And I've got the lung.
The finger.
And I've got the lung.
You mean, the esophagus.
And I've got the lung.
You mean, the esophagus.
All right, the esophagus.
You mean, the esophagus.
All right, the esophagus.
Either way, I'm sure glad
All right, the esophagus.
Either way, I'm sure glad
we had the speci-pak.
Either way, I'm sure glad
we had the speci-pak.
[Applause]
Muffy... Remember when I told
you I had a very important
question I wanted to ask you
You I had a very important
question I wanted to ask you
tonight, the most important
Question I wanted to ask you
tonight, the most important
question I've ever asked anyone?
Tonight, the most important
question I've ever asked anyone?
Do you know what I was
Question I've ever asked anyone?
Do you know what I was
talking about?
Do you know what I was
talking about?
Well, i, I think I do.
Talking about?
Well, i, I think I do.
Are you glad?
Well, i, I think I do.
Are you glad?
Yes, are you glad?
Are you glad?
Yes, are you glad?
Yes, but I'm a little
Yes, are you glad?
Yes, but I'm a little
nervous... And since I thought
Yes, but I'm a little
nervous... And since I thought
it was the most important
Nervous... And since I thought
it was the most important
question i, I've ever asked or
It was the most important
question i, I've ever asked or
I probably ever will ask...
Question i, I've ever asked or
I probably ever will ask...
I didn't want to ask it
I probably ever will ask...
I didn't want to ask it
without my lawyer present.
I didn't want to ask it
without my lawyer present.
[Doorbell rings]
Without my lawyer present.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, that, that must be him.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, that, that must be him.
I told him to come.
Oh, that, that must be him.
I told him to come.
I'll get it, kitten.
I told him to come.
I'll get it, kitten.
Stay right here.
I'll get it, kitten.
Stay right here.
Hi.
Stay right here.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoa, who are you?
Hi.
Whoa, who are you?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Whoa, who are you?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
That's, that's my lawyer.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
That's, that's my lawyer.
You see, when you told me, uh,
That's, that's my lawyer.
You see, when you told me, uh,
that it was the most important
You see, when you told me, uh,
that it was the most important
question that you'd ever want
That it was the most important
question that you'd ever want
to ask, I knew that it would be
Question that you'd ever want
to ask, I knew that it would be
the most important... Question
To ask, I knew that it would be
the most important... Question
I'd ever have to answer.
The most important... Question
I'd ever have to answer.
And, uh, I figured I should have
I'd ever have to answer.
And, uh, I figured I should have
my lawyer present.
And, uh, I figured I should have
my lawyer present.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
My lawyer present.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
my fiancé, hampton jitney.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
my fiancé, hampton jitney.
My attorney, ed rosen.
My fiancé, hampton jitney.
My attorney, ed rosen.
[All greeting]
My attorney, ed rosen.
[All greeting]
hi, everybody.
[All greeting]
hi, everybody.
Who's that?
Hi, everybody.
Who's that?
Oh, uh, well,
Who's that?
Oh, uh, well,
this is my lawyer.
Oh, uh, well,
this is my lawyer.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
This is my lawyer.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
muffy barber.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
muffy barber.
How do you do?
Muffy barber.
How do you do?
And, uh, her lawyer...
How do you do?
And, uh, her lawyer...
Ed rosen, we've met.
And, uh, her lawyer...
Ed rosen, we've met.
Yes, indeed.
Ed rosen, we've met.
Yes, indeed.
Ok, well, sit down.
Yes, indeed.
Ok, well, sit down.
Who'd like a drink?
Ok, well, sit down.
Who'd like a drink?
No, nothing for me, no.
Who'd like a drink?
No, nothing for me, no.
This is, uh, this is quite
No, nothing for me, no.
This is, uh, this is quite
a nice change for us.
This is, uh, this is quite
a nice change for us.
Yes, we usually meet in
A nice change for us.
Yes, we usually meet in
divorce court.
Yes, we usually meet in
divorce court.
That's correct, but I don't
Divorce court.
That's correct, but I don't
think it's gonna be that much
That's correct, but I don't
think it's gonna be that much
trouble today.
Think it's gonna be that much
trouble today.
Hampton just wants me to kind of
Trouble today.
Hampton just wants me to kind of
set a few guidelines and,
Hampton just wants me to kind of
set a few guidelines and,
basically, what he wants me
Set a few guidelines and,
basically, what he wants me
to convey is that nothing more
Basically, what he wants me
to convey is that nothing more
complicated than the house,
To convey is that nothing more
complicated than the house,
the car, the business and
Complicated than the house,
the car, the business and
the investments will be outside.
The car, the business and
the investments will be outside.
Outside?
The investments will be outside.
Outside?
Yes, outside the marriage.
Outside?
Yes, outside the marriage.
I don't want money to ever
Yes, outside the marriage.
I don't want money to ever
come between us.
I don't want money to ever
come between us.
Everybody we know is always
Come between us.
Everybody we know is always
fighting and it's always
Everybody we know is always
fighting and it's always
about money.
Fighting and it's always
about money.
Anything that you ever want,
About money.
Anything that you ever want,
I will give to you if
Anything that you ever want,
I will give to you if
it's within my power.
I will give to you if
it's within my power.
You'll never want and
It's within my power.
You'll never want and
you'll never go hungry.
You'll never want and
you'll never go hungry.
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
You'll never go hungry.
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
But i, uh, I do think
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
But i, uh, I do think
we should have some kind of
But i, uh, I do think
we should have some kind of
commitment to say that we care
We should have some kind of
commitment to say that we care
about each other.
Commitment to say that we care
about each other.
Uh, by caring, we mean
About each other.
Uh, by caring, we mean
an equal property agreement
Uh, by caring, we mean
an equal property agreement
which would include the cars,
An equal property agreement
which would include the cars,
house and business.
Which would include the cars,
house and business.
Uh, our definition of caring
House and business.
Uh, our definition of caring
would also include a compulsory
Uh, our definition of caring
would also include a compulsory
financial commitment in the
Would also include a compulsory
financial commitment in the
order of shared life insurance,
Financial commitment in the
order of shared life insurance,
a joint tenancy in all real
Order of shared life insurance,
a joint tenancy in all real
estate, stocks and jewelry,
A joint tenancy in all real
estate, stocks and jewelry,
to be divided equally upon
Estate, stocks and jewelry,
to be divided equally upon
the dissolution of
To be divided equally upon
the dissolution of
the relationship.
The dissolution of
the relationship.
Just in case you die, honey.
The relationship.
Just in case you die, honey.
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
Just in case you die, honey.
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
I'm just not sure about
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
I'm just not sure about
this equal property division.
I'm just not sure about
this equal property division.
You know... What if you have
This equal property division.
You know... What if you have
a stroke and we're supposed
You know... What if you have
a stroke and we're supposed
to sign everything jointly
A stroke and we're supposed
to sign everything jointly
and I need to cash in, say,
To sign everything jointly
and I need to cash in, say,
the life insurance to pay for
And I need to cash in, say,
the life insurance to pay for
your medical supplies?
The life insurance to pay for
your medical supplies?
I'm taking care of you,
Your medical supplies?
I'm taking care of you,
I'm mopping your forehead and
I'm taking care of you,
I'm mopping your forehead and
changing your bedpan and making
I'm mopping your forehead and
changing your bedpan and making
sure you're comfortable and
Changing your bedpan and making
sure you're comfortable and
everything and you've lost
Sure you're comfortable and
everything and you've lost
all the motor power on
Everything and you've lost
all the motor power on
your right side.
All the motor power on
your right side.
You can't even wave yes or no,
Your right side.
You can't even wave yes or no,
let alone sign anything, right?
You can't even wave yes or no,
let alone sign anything, right?
I don't think that's
Let alone sign anything, right?
I don't think that's
a relevant point.
I don't think that's
a relevant point.
If anything like that ever
A relevant point.
If anything like that ever
happens, of course, there'll be
If anything like that ever
happens, of course, there'll be
love and concern.
Happens, of course, there'll be
love and concern.
We certainly don't have
Love and concern.
We certainly don't have
to worry about that.
We certainly don't have
to worry about that.
What we're talking about is
To worry about that.
What we're talking about is
a partnership here and where
What we're talking about is
a partnership here and where
to base that partnership.
A partnership here and where
to base that partnership.
Uh, if you have a brain in your
To base that partnership.
Uh, if you have a brain in your
head, you'll do it, bianca, and
Uh, if you have a brain in your
head, you'll do it, bianca, and
demand the permanent domicile
Head, you'll do it, bianca, and
demand the permanent domicile
in california.
Demand the permanent domicile
in california.
Tootsie roll, can we get
In california.
Tootsie roll, can we get
married and live in california
Tootsie roll, can we get
married and live in california
forever and ever?
Married and live in california
forever and ever?
[Chuckles nervously]
Forever and ever?
[Chuckles nervously]
temporary residence not to
[Chuckles nervously]
temporary residence not to
exceed 90 days or else you can
Temporary residence not to
exceed 90 days or else you can
kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Exceed 90 days or else you can
kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Well, you know, honey, I like
Kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Well, you know, honey, I like
california, but I'm gonna need
Well, you know, honey, I like
california, but I'm gonna need
to get back to new york and
California, but I'm gonna need
to get back to new york and
recharge my batteries.
To get back to new york and
recharge my batteries.
You know, I'm gonna need that
Recharge my batteries.
You know, I'm gonna need that
every couple months.
You know, I'm gonna need that
every couple months.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
Every couple months.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
but separate domiciles.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
but separate domiciles.
Hey, look, I don't
But separate domiciles.
Hey, look, I don't
understand why we're having
Hey, look, I don't
understand why we're having
this whole discussion.
Understand why we're having
this whole discussion.
I mean, my understanding of
This whole discussion.
I mean, my understanding of
what we were doing here is it's
I mean, my understanding of
what we were doing here is it's
a simple prenuptial agreement.
What we were doing here is it's
a simple prenuptial agreement.
There's nothing complicated
A simple prenuptial agreement.
There's nothing complicated
about it.
There's nothing complicated
about it.
It's a fairly standard form,
About it.
It's a fairly standard form,
as a matter of fact.
It's a fairly standard form,
as a matter of fact.
My colleague here helped to
As a matter of fact.
My colleague here helped to
write it in the first place.
My colleague here helped to
write it in the first place.
Well, there's no way that
Write it in the first place.
Well, there's no way that
my client is going to sign
Well, there's no way that
my client is going to sign
this thing without
My client is going to sign
this thing without
substantial amendments.
This thing without
substantial amendments.
Honey, how could you
Substantial amendments.
Honey, how could you
possibly do this to me?
Honey, how could you
possibly do this to me?
I would think that if you
Possibly do this to me?
I would think that if you
loved me, you would never want
I would think that if you
loved me, you would never want
to embarrass me in front
Loved me, you would never want
to embarrass me in front
of my attorney.
To embarrass me in front
of my attorney.
This is the same thing we
Of my attorney.
This is the same thing we
were talking about last night,
This is the same thing we
were talking about last night,
hampton... Your constant harping
Were talking about last night,
hampton... Your constant harping
on how I'm after your money.
Hampton... Your constant harping
on how I'm after your money.
We can't work this way.
On how I'm after your money.
We can't work this way.
Love wumps, I'm not doing
We can't work this way.
Love wumps, I'm not doing
anything that someone, anyone
Love wumps, I'm not doing
anything that someone, anyone
else in my position wouldn't do.
Anything that someone, anyone
else in my position wouldn't do.
I mean, marriage is
Else in my position wouldn't do.
I mean, marriage is
different nowadays.
I mean, marriage is
different nowadays.
It's gotta be a direct,
Different nowadays.
It's gotta be a direct,
honest relationship,
It's gotta be a direct,
honest relationship,
a direct agreement.
Honest relationship,
a direct agreement.
It's an agreement, it's a...
A direct agreement.
It's an agreement, it's a...
It's a contract.
It's an agreement, it's a...
It's a contract.
It's a contract, it's,
It's a contract.
It's a contract, it's,
it's notarized, it's, um...
It's a contract, it's,
it's notarized, it's, um...
It's binding.
It's notarized, it's, um...
It's binding.
It's binding,
It's binding.
It's binding,
it's a binding,
It's binding,
it's a binding,
notarized contract!
It's a binding,
notarized contract!
But it's love!
Notarized contract!
But it's love!
Yes! She's absolutely right,
But it's love!
Yes! She's absolutely right,
and that's why
Yes! She's absolutely right,
and that's why
we're not signing.
And that's why
we're not signing.
This contract is sexist.
We're not signing.
This contract is sexist.
It's one-sided, it's not
This contract is sexist.
It's one-sided, it's not
representative of my client.
It's one-sided, it's not
representative of my client.
This isn't love,
Representative of my client.
This isn't love,
it's not protective.
This isn't love,
it's not protective.
You don't know the meaning
It's not protective.
You don't know the meaning
of love.
You don't know the meaning
of love.
Well, it's our final offer.
Of love.
Well, it's our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
Well, it's our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
Forget it, we can do
Take it or leave it.
Forget it, we can do
better than this.
Forget it, we can do
better than this.
So can we! We don't need you!
Better than this.
So can we! We don't need you!
Muffy, we're not
So can we! We don't need you!
Muffy, we're not
staying here for this.
Muffy, we're not
staying here for this.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
Staying here for this.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
my wuvvy.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
my wuvvy.
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
My wuvvy.
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
get married right now
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
get married right now
if we're not sure how we feel
Get married right now
if we're not sure how we feel
about each other.
If we're not sure how we feel
about each other.
Oh, gee, I wish
About each other.
Oh, gee, I wish
I knew for both of us,
Oh, gee, I wish
I knew for both of us,
my little famous amos.
I knew for both of us,
my little famous amos.
[Doorbell rings]
My little famous amos.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it, excuse me.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it, excuse me.
Hampton, darling, I've
I'll get it, excuse me.
Hampton, darling, I've
reconsidered and talked it over
Hampton, darling, I've
reconsidered and talked it over
with my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
Reconsidered and talked it over
with my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
here, and I'm ready to sign.
With my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
here, and I'm ready to sign.
That's right, we'll accept
Here, and I'm ready to sign.
That's right, we'll accept
with no clauses.
That's right, we'll accept
with no clauses.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
With no clauses.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
to commit.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
to commit.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
To commit.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
I stuck with you all the way.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
I stuck with you all the way.
But when push came to shove,
I stuck with you all the way.
But when push came to shove,
you shoved.
But when push came to shove,
you shoved.
You turned on me.
You shoved.
You turned on me.
Well, I don't ever want
You turned on me.
Well, I don't ever want
to see you or your lawyer again
Well, I don't ever want
to see you or your lawyer again
in my house.
To see you or your lawyer again
in my house.
What do you mean, your house?
In my house.
What do you mean, your house?
Does the word "palimony"
What do you mean, your house?
Does the word "palimony"
mean anything to you?
Does the word "palimony"
mean anything to you?
I'm gonna slap a lien on
Mean anything to you?
I'm gonna slap a lien on
this house, you won't believe!
I'm gonna slap a lien on
this house, you won't believe!
I don't know, marty, maybe I
This house, you won't believe!
I don't know, marty, maybe I
wasn't ready for a relationship
I don't know, marty, maybe I
wasn't ready for a relationship
that heavy.
Wasn't ready for a relationship
that heavy.
Don't give up, kid.
That heavy.
Don't give up, kid.
We're in a stronger position now
Don't give up, kid.
We're in a stronger position now
than when we walked in.
We're in a stronger position now
than when we walked in.
We're gonna make him pay.
Than when we walked in.
We're gonna make him pay.
Technically, you lived under the
We're gonna make him pay.
Technically, you lived under the
same roof, all those vacations
Technically, you lived under the
same roof, all those vacations
together, those three weeks in
Same roof, all those vacations
together, those three weeks in
the bahamas... Baden-baden,
Together, those three weeks in
the bahamas... Baden-baden,
whatever it was.
The bahamas... Baden-baden,
whatever it was.
You know, my pen's
Whatever it was.
You know, my pen's
out of ink.
You know, my pen's
out of ink.
Can I use yours?
Out of ink.
Can I use yours?
Oh, honey, use mine.
Can I use yours?
Oh, honey, use mine.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Oh, honey, use mine.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
Oh, thank you, darling.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
is the name.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
is the name.
How do you do?
Is the name.
How do you do?
All right.
How do you do?
All right.
[Applause]
All right.
[Applause]
[♪...]
Once again, tom petty
and the heartbreakers.
["Don't do me like that" plays]
And the heartbreakers.
["Don't do me like that" plays]
[♪...]
♪ I was talkin' with
a friend of mine ♪
♪ said a woman had
A friend of mine ♪
♪ said a woman had
hurt his pride ♪
♪ Said a woman had
hurt his pride ♪
♪ she told him that she loved
Hurt his pride ♪
♪ she told him that she loved
him so, then turned around
♪ She told him that she loved
him so, then turned around
and let him go ♪
Him so, then turned around
and let him go ♪
♪ then he said, "you'd better
And let him go ♪
♪ then he said, "you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ Then he said, "you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size" ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size" ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size" ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ What if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might need you,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might need you,
baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ Someday I might need you,
baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
Baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
♪ Listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
If you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
Givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ And you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby,
don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby,
don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ What if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ 'cause somewhere
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ 'cause somewhere
deep down inside,
♪ 'Cause somewhere
deep down inside,
someone is sayin' ♪
Deep down inside,
someone is sayin' ♪
♪ "love doesn't
Someone is sayin' ♪
♪ "love doesn't
last that long" ♪
♪ "Love doesn't
last that long" ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
Last that long" ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
night and day ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
night and day ♪
♪ and now I can't
Night and day ♪
♪ and now I can't
take it no more ♪
♪ And now I can't
take it no more ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
Take it no more ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
♪ Listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
If you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
Givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ And you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might want you,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might want you,
honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ Someday I might want you,
honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ one day, I might
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ one day, I might
want you, babe ♪
♪ One day, I might
want you, babe ♪
♪ yeah, don't do me like that. ♪
Want you, babe ♪
♪ yeah, don't do me like that. ♪
[♪...]
[Music ends,
cheers and applause]
Ok, ok, there's a man
getting out of a parked car on
the right up ahead.
Getting out of a parked car on
the right up ahead.
The door's still open.
The right up ahead.
The door's still open.
Move to the left!
The door's still open.
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Move to the left!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Oh, you just missed him!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Oh, you just missed him!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
Oh, you just missed him!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
There's a car on your left!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
There's a car on your left!
You're going into his lane!
There's a car on your left!
You're going into his lane!
There's a, there's a boy
You're going into his lane!
There's a, there's a boy
on a bike, on the right side!
There's a, there's a boy
on a bike, on the right side!
See the reflectors?!
On a bike, on the right side!
See the reflectors?!
I see it!
See the reflectors?!
I see it!
Honey, slow down!
I see it!
Honey, slow down!
I missed him, didn't i?!
Honey, slow down!
I missed him, didn't i?!
No, daddy,
I missed him, didn't i?!
No, daddy,
you knocked him over!
No, daddy,
you knocked him over!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You knocked him over!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You know I can't slow down!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You know I can't slow down!
Daddy's gotta go
You know I can't slow down!
Daddy's gotta go
to the bathroom!
Daddy's gotta go
to the bathroom!
Well, can't we stop
To the bathroom!
Well, can't we stop
at a gas station?
Well, can't we stop
at a gas station?
No, no, no, no, no!
At a gas station?
No, no, no, no, no!
Daddy can only go at home,
No, no, no, no, no!
Daddy can only go at home,
you know that!
Daddy can only go at home,
you know that!
Look out, a rabbit!
You know that!
Look out, a rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Look out, a rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Stop crying and help
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Stop crying and help
daddy look, honey!
Stop crying and help
daddy look, honey!
Oh, no!
Daddy look, honey!
Oh, no!
The lights turning yellow!
Oh, no!
The lights turning yellow!
Slow down, honey!
The lights turning yellow!
Slow down, honey!
I can make it!
Slow down, honey!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning... It turned!
I can make it!
It's turning... It turned!
It's red!
It's turning... It turned!
It's red!
Honk the horn!
It's red!
Honk the horn!
[All screaming]
Honk the horn!
[All screaming]
oh, boy, I shouldn't have
[All screaming]
oh, boy, I shouldn't have
had that big meal so early in
Oh, boy, I shouldn't have
had that big meal so early in
the day!
Had that big meal so early in
the day!
I knew I couldn't hold
The day!
I knew I couldn't hold
all day!
I knew I couldn't hold
all day!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
All day!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
I think I missed it!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
I think I missed it!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
I think I missed it!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
Oh, just go in the car!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
Oh, just go in the car!
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, just go in the car!
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
those men in the crosswalk!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
those men in the crosswalk!
Ok, I see them!
Those men in the crosswalk!
Ok, I see them!
[Screaming]
Ok, I see them!
[Screaming]
oh, stop it!
[Screaming]
oh, stop it!
Give me the wheel, please!
Oh, stop it!
Give me the wheel, please!
[All screaming]
[Tires skidding, crashing]
father: ok, we're home!
[Cheers and applause]
Father: ok, we're home!
[Cheers and applause]
[♪...]
Well, once again, i, I think
we've proved what I tried to
point out at the beginning of
We've proved what I tried to
point out at the beginning of
the show, that there's a factor
Point out at the beginning of
the show, that there's a factor
of heart in show business
The show, that there's a factor
of heart in show business
and that it's not always
Of heart in show business
and that it's not always
what you expect.
And that it's not always
what you expect.
You know, there are a lot of
What you expect.
You know, there are a lot of
stories that they tell in
You know, there are a lot of
stories that they tell in
this fabulous business called
Stories that they tell in
this fabulous business called
theater/television/film,
This fabulous business called
theater/television/film,
this incredible world where
Theater/television/film,
this incredible world where
people get together and really
This incredible world where
people get together and really
try to help each other and
People get together and really
try to help each other and
try to find a way...
Try to help each other and
try to find a way...
[Heckling]
Try to find a way...
[Heckling]
to perform together in order
[Heckling]
to perform together in order
so that you, the audience,
To perform together in order
so that you, the audience,
can be fully entertained...
So that you, the audience,
can be fully entertained...
Lighten up, will you, buck?
Can be fully entertained...
Lighten up, will you, buck?
And can have a sense of
Lighten up, will you, buck?
And can have a sense of
the heart that goes into
And can have a sense of
the heart that goes into
all of our endeavors.
The heart that goes into
all of our endeavors.
Get off the stage,
All of our endeavors.
Get off the stage,
buck, come on.
Get off the stage,
buck, come on.
Get out of here!
Buck, come on.
Get out of here!
Go on, get him out, get him out!
Get out of here!
Go on, get him out, get him out!
[♪..., Applause]
[♪...]
Announcer: next saturday
night, our host will be
bea arthur with musical guests,
Night, our host will be
bea arthur with musical guests,
the roaches!
Bea arthur with musical guests,
the roaches!
This wednesday, watch nbc's
The roaches!
This wednesday, watch nbc's
"best of saturday night live"
This wednesday, watch nbc's
"best of saturday night live"
for 90 minutes, starting at
"Best of saturday night live"
for 90 minutes, starting at
9:30, 8:30 mountain and central.
For 90 minutes, starting at
9:30, 8:30 mountain and central.
This has been don pardo...
9:30, 8:30 Mountain and central.
This has been don pardo...
[♪...]
[♪...]
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
No more buck! No more buck!
See what's going
No more buck! No more buck!
See what's going
on outside?
See what's going
on outside?
Yeah, it's been like
On outside?
Yeah, it's been like
that all week, demonstrations
Yeah, it's been like
that all week, demonstrations
of every nbc station
That all week, demonstrations
of every nbc station
across the country.
Of every nbc station
across the country.
I guess people are
Across the country.
I guess people are
really upset about buck henry
I guess people are
really upset about buck henry
hosting again, you know.
Really upset about buck henry
hosting again, you know.
Upset?
Hosting again, you know.
Upset?
They're outraged and
Upset?
They're outraged and
I sympathize.
They're outraged and
I sympathize.
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
I sympathize.
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
everything, but he doesn't have
I mean, buck is a nice guy and
everything, but he doesn't have
any talent.
Everything, but he doesn't have
any talent.
Frankly, he's boring.
Any talent.
Frankly, he's boring.
Very boring.
Frankly, he's boring.
Very boring.
Yeah.
Very boring.
Yeah.
The man has hosted the show,
Yeah.
The man has hosted the show,
what, 11 times?
The man has hosted the show,
what, 11 times?
I still haven't figured out
What, 11 times?
I still haven't figured out
what he does besides
I still haven't figured out
what he does besides
hosting the show.
What he does besides
hosting the show.
And borrow money from us
Hosting the show.
And borrow money from us
when he's here.
And borrow money from us
when he's here.
My god, when I think of all
When he's here.
My god, when I think of all
the talented people who are
My god, when I think of all
the talented people who are
dying to host this show...
The talented people who are
dying to host this show...
You know, I have a friend that
Dying to host this show...
You know, I have a friend that
just worked on a movie with
You know, I have a friend that
just worked on a movie with
clint eastwood and this show
Just worked on a movie with
clint eastwood and this show
is his favorite show.
Clint eastwood and this show
is his favorite show.
Really?
Is his favorite show.
Really?
Yes, and according to my
Really?
Yes, and according to my
friend, clint wanted very much
Yes, and according to my
friend, clint wanted very much
to host tonight's show.
Friend, clint wanted very much
to host tonight's show.
He even called lorne on
To host tonight's show.
He even called lorne on
the phone at home. >> Really?
He even called lorne on
the phone at home. >> Really?
Yes, lorne didn't
The phone at home. >> Really?
Yes, lorne didn't
call him back.
Yes, lorne didn't
call him back.
Clint eastwood could've been
Call him back.
Clint eastwood could've been
here tonight, but we've got
Clint eastwood could've been
here tonight, but we've got
buck henry.
Here tonight, but we've got
buck henry.
Here's what we got.
Buck henry.
Here's what we got.
Hi, buck.
Here's what we got.
Hi, buck.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Hi, buck.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Nice outfit.
Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
Nice outfit.
Hi, how you doin'?
Nice outfit.
Hi, how you doin'?
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Hi, how you doin'?
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Those fans are somethin',
Ready for the big show? >> Yeah.
Those fans are somethin',
aren't they?
Those fans are somethin',
aren't they?
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
Aren't they?
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
their hands off me.
I mean, uh, they just can't keep
their hands off me.
I'll just change my clothes.
Their hands off me.
I'll just change my clothes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
I'll just change my clothes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Lorne must be out
I'll be with you in a minute.
Lorne must be out
of his mind!
Lorne must be out
of his mind!
Jane, don't blame him.
Of his mind!
Jane, don't blame him.
He wouldn't hurt clint for
Jane, don't blame him.
He wouldn't hurt clint for
anything in this world,
He wouldn't hurt clint for
anything in this world,
I don't think.
Anything in this world,
I don't think.
He loathes buck just
I don't think.
He loathes buck just
as much as we do.
He loathes buck just
as much as we do.
It's the network.
As much as we do.
It's the network.
It's the network that forces
It's the network.
It's the network that forces
buck on us.
It's the network that forces
buck on us.
But nobody watches the show
Buck on us.
But nobody watches the show
when buck hosts the show.
But nobody watches the show
when buck hosts the show.
The ratings always go down.
When buck hosts the show.
The ratings always go down.
It's true, nbc loses a
The ratings always go down.
It's true, nbc loses a
fortune every time he hosts the
It's true, nbc loses a
fortune every time he hosts the
show, but, jane, sometimes, in
Fortune every time he hosts the
show, but, jane, sometimes, in
show business, there are things
Show, but, jane, sometimes, in
show business, there are things
that are more important than
Show business, there are things
that are more important than
dollars and cents.
That are more important than
dollars and cents.
What the hell are you
Dollars and cents.
What the hell are you
talking about?
What the hell are you
talking about?
I wasn't gonna tell
Talking about?
I wasn't gonna tell
this to anyone, jane.
I wasn't gonna tell
this to anyone, jane.
It's a secret I've been
This to anyone, jane.
It's a secret I've been
keeping to myself ever since
It's a secret I've been
keeping to myself ever since
I started here at nbc, back when
Keeping to myself ever since
I started here at nbc, back when
I was a file clerk in legal.
I started here at nbc, back when
I was a file clerk in legal.
It was before I got transferred
I was a file clerk in legal.
It was before I got transferred
into acting.
It was before I got transferred
into acting.
I came across a letter that
Into acting.
I came across a letter that
explained a lot.
I came across a letter that
explained a lot.
Did you ever hear of
Explained a lot.
Did you ever hear of
the korean w*r?
Did you ever hear of
the korean w*r?
Thought it was
The korean w*r?
Thought it was
the korean conflict.
Thought it was
the korean conflict.
It was a w*r.
The korean conflict.
It was a w*r.
Ask anybody who was there.
It was a w*r.
Ask anybody who was there.
And one of the fiercest battles
Ask anybody who was there.
And one of the fiercest battles
took place at pork chop hill.
And one of the fiercest battles
took place at pork chop hill.
The john wayne movie,
Took place at pork chop hill.
The john wayne movie,
did you ever see it?
The john wayne movie,
did you ever see it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Did you ever see it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, buck was there.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, buck was there.
His whole company was wiped out
Well, buck was there.
His whole company was wiped out
by a raid.
His whole company was wiped out
by a raid.
And buck was crawling across
By a raid.
And buck was crawling across
a field trying to get back to
And buck was crawling across
a field trying to get back to
battalion headquarters and
A field trying to get back to
battalion headquarters and
he got hit by a mortar shell.
Battalion headquarters and
he got hit by a mortar shell.
Steel fragments tore through
He got hit by a mortar shell.
Steel fragments tore through
his leg and his arm.
Steel fragments tore through
his leg and his arm.
He fell into a foxhole and found
His leg and his arm.
He fell into a foxhole and found
himself next to another g.i.
He fell into a foxhole and found
himself next to another g.i.
From his own unit who was
Himself next to another g.i.
From his own unit who was
wounded pretty badly.
From his own unit who was
wounded pretty badly.
Mortar went off and buck
Wounded pretty badly.
Mortar went off and buck
jumped over this guy,
Mortar went off and buck
jumped over this guy,
tried to protect him.
Jumped over this guy,
tried to protect him.
Stayed there all day until night
Tried to protect him.
Stayed there all day until night
and then he picked up the guy,
Stayed there all day until night
and then he picked up the guy,
carried him for six hours...
And then he picked up the guy,
carried him for six hours...
Sometimes on his stomach,
Carried him for six hours...
Sometimes on his stomach,
crawling... Always protecting him
Sometimes on his stomach,
crawling... Always protecting him
from b*ll*ts.
Crawling... Always protecting him
from b*ll*ts.
Weak from blood, he gave him
From b*ll*ts.
Weak from blood, he gave him
his last, last drop of
Weak from blood, he gave him
his last, last drop of
water out of his canteen.
His last, last drop of
water out of his canteen.
And buck and this man are
Water out of his canteen.
And buck and this man are
the only person who knew what
And buck and this man are
the only person who knew what
happened until I saw the letter
The only person who knew what
happened until I saw the letter
in legal, and that is the reason
Happened until I saw the letter
in legal, and that is the reason
why buck henry has hosted
In legal, and that is the reason
why buck henry has hosted
this show 12 times.
Why buck henry has hosted
this show 12 times.
I don't get it.
This show 12 times.
I don't get it.
I don't understand the,
I don't get it.
I don't understand the,
the connection, i...
I don't understand the,
the connection, i...
Do you know the old saying,
The connection, i...
Do you know the old saying,
"wars that tear nations
Do you know the old saying,
"wars that tear nations
apart can also bring
"Wars that tear nations
apart can also bring
individuals together"?
Apart can also bring
individuals together"?
Yeah, I know that.
Individuals together"?
Yeah, I know that.
Well, that wounded soldier
Yeah, I know that.
Well, that wounded soldier
whose life was saved by buck
Well, that wounded soldier
whose life was saved by buck
henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Whose life was saved by buck
henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Was a young kid from cleveland,
Henry, that good-as-dead g.i.,
Was a young kid from cleveland,
ohio, private first class
Was a young kid from cleveland,
ohio, private first class
fred silverman.
Ohio, private first class
fred silverman.
The fred silverman?
Fred silverman.
The fred silverman?
Our fred silverman...
The fred silverman?
Our fred silverman...
[Patriotic music plays]
Our fred silverman...
[Patriotic music plays]
a man who finds himself fighting
[Patriotic music plays]
a man who finds himself fighting
on a different b*ttlefield now.
A man who finds himself fighting
on a different b*ttlefield now.
The stakes aren't life and death
On a different b*ttlefield now.
The stakes aren't life and death
and there's no bloodshed, but
The stakes aren't life and death
and there's no bloodshed, but
maybe they're just as high.
And there's no bloodshed, but
maybe they're just as high.
It's a life or death
Maybe they're just as high.
It's a life or death
of a network.
It's a life or death
of a network.
And despite the fact that
Of a network.
And despite the fact that
the nbc peacock is in its own
And despite the fact that
the nbc peacock is in its own
coma right now, fred knows that
The nbc peacock is in its own
coma right now, fred knows that
he wouldn't be here today
Coma right now, fred knows that
he wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for buck.
He wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for buck.
And he'll stick with him,
If it weren't for buck.
And he'll stick with him,
no matter what the ratings...
And he'll stick with him,
no matter what the ratings...
No matter how many affiliates
No matter what the ratings...
No matter how many affiliates
across the country are destroyed
No matter how many affiliates
across the country are destroyed
by demonstrators whenever buck
Across the country are destroyed
by demonstrators whenever buck
hosts the show.
By demonstrators whenever buck
hosts the show.
I didn't know
Hosts the show.
I didn't know
that about buck.
I didn't know
that about buck.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
That about buck.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
so harshly of him.
I'm so ashamed I spoke
so harshly of him.
I don't know what to say...
So harshly of him.
I don't know what to say...
Except live from new york,
I don't know what to say...
Except live from new york,
it's saturday night!
Except live from new york,
it's saturday night!
[♪..., Cheers and applause]
Announcer: it's saturday
night live... With buck henry!
[♪...]
Starring jane curtain...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
And gilda radner.
Laraine newman...
And gilda radner.
[♪...]
With musical guest tom petty and
the heartbreakers...
And a special report from
father guido sarducci.
Ladies and gentlemen,
buck henry!
[♪..., Cheers and applause]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you
all very much.
Thank you, thank you
all very much.
You should see them down there.
All very much.
You should see them down there.
I mean, it's just incredible.
You should see them down there.
I mean, it's just incredible.
I, as always, it's a great
I mean, it's just incredible.
I, as always, it's a great
pleasure to host my favorite
I, as always, it's a great
pleasure to host my favorite
show, "saturday night live,"
Pleasure to host my favorite
show, "saturday night live,"
and, you know, I'm often asked
Show, "saturday night live,"
and, you know, I'm often asked
why I like hosting the show so
And, you know, I'm often asked
why I like hosting the show so
much and... I mean, after all,
Why I like hosting the show so
much and... I mean, after all,
this is, uh, I think my twelfth
Much and... I mean, after all,
this is, uh, I think my twelfth
time... And the answer to that
This is, uh, I think my twelfth
time... And the answer to that
question is an easy one.
Time... And the answer to that
question is an easy one.
It's 'cause I love the people
Question is an easy one.
It's 'cause I love the people
here, it's...
It's 'cause I love the people
here, it's...
Man: get off the stage!
Here, it's...
Man: get off the stage!
Exactly, it's just,
Man: get off the stage!
Exactly, it's just,
it's like a family.
Exactly, it's just,
it's like a family.
It's like a wonderful family
It's like a family.
It's like a wonderful family
every time I come here.
It's like a wonderful family
every time I come here.
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Every time I come here.
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Man: you're the worst!
Uh, it's, it's, I just feel...
Man: you're the worst!
They just, they yell at me,
Man: you're the worst!
They just, they yell at me,
they try and touch me.
They just, they yell at me,
they try and touch me.
It's just, it's
They try and touch me.
It's just, it's
a wonderful thing.
It's just, it's
a wonderful thing.
It's, in fact, I've become so
A wonderful thing.
It's, in fact, I've become so
recognizable from this show that
It's, in fact, I've become so
recognizable from this show that
I've grown this beard to attempt
Recognizable from this show that
I've grown this beard to attempt
a certain anonymity so that, uh,
I've grown this beard to attempt
a certain anonymity so that, uh,
you know, so that...
A certain anonymity so that, uh,
you know, so that...
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
You know, so that...
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
you stink!
Man: [yelling indistinctly]
you stink!
He doesn't do anything!
You stink!
He doesn't do anything!
No, no autographs just now.
He doesn't do anything!
No, no autographs just now.
Autographs later, it's ok.
No, no autographs just now.
Autographs later, it's ok.
I don't know, like, i...
Autographs later, it's ok.
I don't know, like, i...
I enjoy my life without
I don't know, like, i...
I enjoy my life without
the incessant disturbance of
I enjoy my life without
the incessant disturbance of
an audience and it's not...
The incessant disturbance of
an audience and it's not...
[Indistinct yelling]
An audience and it's not...
[Indistinct yelling]
it's not that I'm ungrateful...
[Indistinct yelling]
it's not that I'm ungrateful...
Thank you, mind you... It's just
It's not that I'm ungrateful...
Thank you, mind you... It's just
that this show has actually made
Thank you, mind you... It's just
that this show has actually made
a career for me.
That this show has actually made
a career for me.
Everyone who is associated with
A career for me.
Everyone who is associated with
this show, as you know, has
Everyone who is associated with
this show, as you know, has
achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
This show, as you know, has
achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
Achieved a kind of, uh, stardom.
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
to say I can't go out in
And, uh, in all modesty, I have
to say I can't go out in
public anymore without causing
To say I can't go out in
public anymore without causing
a commotion.
Public anymore without causing
a commotion.
I can almost, as I'm sure you
A commotion.
I can almost, as I'm sure you
can, feel the love from
I can almost, as I'm sure you
can, feel the love from
that crowd.
Can, feel the love from
that crowd.
Feel them trying to get near me,
That crowd.
Feel them trying to get near me,
trying to touch me, trying to
Feel them trying to get near me,
trying to touch me, trying to
get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
Trying to touch me, trying to
get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
to share, to share, in some
Get, uh, I don't know, I suppose
to share, to share, in some
sense, the, the feeling that,
To share, to share, in some
sense, the, the feeling that,
uh, I am some place they want to
Sense, the, the feeling that,
uh, I am some place they want to
be and that by touching me and
Uh, I am some place they want to
be and that by touching me and
experiencing what I'm
Be and that by touching me and
experiencing what I'm
experiencing, they join me in
Experiencing what I'm
experiencing, they join me in
this kind of...
Experiencing, they join me in
this kind of...
They're crazy about me.
This kind of...
They're crazy about me.
They don't leave me alone for a
They're crazy about me.
They don't leave me alone for a
second and I want to thank you
They don't leave me alone for a
second and I want to thank you
all for sharing in that same
Second and I want to thank you
all for sharing in that same
feeling and we'll be right back.
All for sharing in that same
feeling and we'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause]
[Soft music plays]
hello, tom?
This is sue.
Hello, tom?
This is sue.
I'm here all alone in
This is sue.
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
My apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
and I thought maybe you'd want
Some harley's bristol creme,
and I thought maybe you'd want
to come over.
And I thought maybe you'd want
to come over.
Oh, you are?
To come over.
Oh, you are?
Well, I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Oh, you are?
Well, I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Ok, sure.
Hello, stan? Sue.
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
I'm here all alone in
my apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
My apartment, and I have
some harley's bristol creme,
and I was thinking maybe
Some harley's bristol creme,
and I was thinking maybe
you'd like to come over.
And I was thinking maybe
you'd like to come over.
Oh... That's too bad.
You'd like to come over.
Oh... That's too bad.
Oh, ok, yeah...
Oh... That's too bad.
Oh, ok, yeah...
Maybe some other time.
Hello, mike!
This is sue.
I'm alone in my apartment,
This is sue.
I'm alone in my apartment,
and I have some...
I'm alone in my apartment,
and I have some...
You did? When?
And I have some...
You did? When?
Well... Congratulations.
You did? When?
Well... Congratulations.
Ok, good-bye.
Well... Congratulations.
Ok, good-bye.
[Music continues...]
Hey!
Hey, you!
You want some harley's
Hey, you!
You want some harley's
bristol creme?
You want some harley's
bristol creme?
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Bristol creme?
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Announcer: it used to be
Come on up, apartment 3c!
Announcer: it used to be
that a woman couldn't invite
Announcer: it used to be
that a woman couldn't invite
a man over for a drink.
That a woman couldn't invite
a man over for a drink.
All that's changed now.
A man over for a drink.
All that's changed now.
Harley's bristol creme...
All that's changed now.
Harley's bristol creme...
Over ice.
Harley's bristol creme...
Over ice.
It's downright... Upright.
Over ice.
It's downright... Upright.
Geez, I'm really spinning
It's downright... Upright.
Geez, I'm really spinning
on this stuff.
Geez, I'm really spinning
on this stuff.
What do you call it?
On this stuff.
What do you call it?
Harley's bristol creme.
What do you call it?
Harley's bristol creme.
I knew you'd like it.
Harley's bristol creme.
I knew you'd like it.
Announcer: harley's
I knew you'd like it.
Announcer: harley's
bristol creme.
Announcer: harley's
bristol creme.
Why not invite
Bristol creme.
Why not invite
someone over... Tonight?
Why not invite
someone over... Tonight?
It's downright upright.
Someone over... Tonight?
It's downright upright.
[Cheers and applause]
Man [thinking]: as I gaze on
toad island for the last time,
its darkened contours gradually
Toad island for the last time,
its darkened contours gradually
receding into the thick new
Its darkened contours gradually
receding into the thick new
england mist, I shudder with the
Receding into the thick new
england mist, I shudder with the
realization that I'm finally
England mist, I shudder with the
realization that I'm finally
escaping its clammy hold on
Realization that I'm finally
escaping its clammy hold on
my soul.
Escaping its clammy hold on
my soul.
My mind races back to the day
My soul.
My mind races back to the day
of my arrival, the day
My mind races back to the day
of my arrival, the day
I first confronted...
The mystery of toad island.
Choosing a place to stay
didn't take long.
Choosing a place to stay
didn't take long.
There was only one inn on toad
Didn't take long.
There was only one inn on toad
island, the toad island inn.
Anybody here?
Hello? [Bell dings]
anybody here?
Hello? [Bell dings]
anybody here?
Hello... Uh, I just
Anybody here?
Hello... Uh, I just
got off the ferry.
Hello... Uh, I just
got off the ferry.
I was wondering if
Got off the ferry.
I was wondering if
you had a room.
I was wondering if
you had a room.
[Exhales deeply]
You had a room.
[Exhales deeply]
could be.
[Exhales deeply]
could be.
Well, it's, uh...
Could be.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just for the one night.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just for the one night.
Well, we may not
It's just for the one night.
Well, we may not
have a room ready.
Well, we may not
have a room ready.
Don't get many strangers here
Have a room ready.
Don't get many strangers here
on toad island.
Don't get many strangers here
on toad island.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
On toad island.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
It's a long ferry ride.
[Chuckles] it's no wonder.
It's a long ferry ride.
I was the only passenger after
It's a long ferry ride.
I was the only passenger after
poquansett island.
I was the only passenger after
poquansett island.
Figures.
Poquansett island.
Figures.
Perhaps, uh, you know
Figures.
Perhaps, uh, you know
the woman I've come to see,
Perhaps, uh, you know
the woman I've come to see,
hannah brundage.
The woman I've come to see,
hannah brundage.
Ha, be hard not to.
Hannah brundage.
Ha, be hard not to.
Only two families on
Ha, be hard not to.
Only two families on
this island, the baileys and
Only two families on
this island, the baileys and
the brundages.
This island, the baileys and
the brundages.
I'm a bailey, my mother was
The brundages.
I'm a bailey, my mother was
a brundage and her mother
I'm a bailey, my mother was
a brundage and her mother
before her was a bailey.
A brundage and her mother
before her was a bailey.
Goes back like that, oh...
Before her was a bailey.
Goes back like that, oh...
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
Goes back like that, oh...
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
captain james brundage ran his
Gosh, till about, uh, 1674 when
captain james brundage ran his
ship aground on toad island.
Captain james brundage ran his
ship aground on toad island.
A-ha, well, do you know
Ship aground on toad island.
A-ha, well, do you know
where I can find her?
A-ha, well, do you know
where I can find her?
Who? [Insect buzzes]
Where I can find her?
Who? [Insect buzzes]
hannah brundage.
Who? [Insect buzzes]
hannah brundage.
What about her?
Hannah brundage.
What about her?
Uh, I'm here to see her.
What about her?
Uh, I'm here to see her.
She's my great aunt.
Uh, I'm here to see her.
She's my great aunt.
[Buzzing stops]
She's my great aunt.
[Buzzing stops]
you're tom brundage!
[Buzzing stops]
you're tom brundage!
[Dramatic music plays]
You're tom brundage!
[Dramatic music plays]
look, does my great aunt
[Dramatic music plays]
look, does my great aunt
live nearby?
Look, does my great aunt
live nearby?
Can anybody take me there?
Live nearby?
Can anybody take me there?
Oh, not tonight.
Can anybody take me there?
Oh, not tonight.
You'd best turn in.
Oh, not tonight.
You'd best turn in.
Carl will see you to your room.
You'd best turn in.
Carl will see you to your room.
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl will see you to your room.
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl, this is your cousin,
[Bell dings] oh, carl?
Carl, this is your cousin,
tom brundage.
Carl, this is your cousin,
tom brundage.
[Exhaling throatily]
Tom brundage.
[Exhaling throatily]
pleased to meet you.
[Exhaling throatily]
pleased to meet you.
Oh, are you a brundage?
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, are you a brundage?
No, a bailey.
Oh, are you a brundage?
No, a bailey.
My mother was a brundage.
No, a bailey.
My mother was a brundage.
Say, carl, could you,
My mother was a brundage.
Say, carl, could you,
uh, drive me to
Say, carl, could you,
uh, drive me to
hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Uh, drive me to
hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
Hannah brundage's tomorrow?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
What do you mean?
Maybe yes and maybe no.
What do you mean?
I might, and then again,
What do you mean?
I might, and then again,
I might not.
I might, and then again,
I might not.
What kind of
I might not.
What kind of
an answer is that?
What kind of
an answer is that?
That's for me to know
An answer is that?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
I think you're wasting
And you to find out.
I think you're wasting
your time talking to carl.
I think you're wasting
your time talking to carl.
He's pleasant enough but you
Your time talking to carl.
He's pleasant enough but you
won't learn very much.
He's pleasant enough but you
won't learn very much.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
Won't learn very much.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
bags to his room.
Carl, take mr. Brundage's
bags to his room.
All right, pepperidge farm.
So you're tom brundage.
Yes. >> Ned brundage's boy.
Yes, that's right.
Yes. >> Ned brundage's boy.
Yes, that's right.
Well, perhaps I should
Yes, that's right.
Well, perhaps I should
introduce myself.
Well, perhaps I should
introduce myself.
I'm brundage bailey.
Introduce myself.
I'm brundage bailey.
This here's my cousin,
I'm brundage bailey.
This here's my cousin,
bailey brundage...
This here's my cousin,
bailey brundage...
Howdy.
Bailey brundage...
Howdy.
And her brother,
Howdy.
And her brother,
brundage brundage.
And her brother,
brundage brundage.
Howdy.
Brundage brundage.
Howdy.
Nice to meet you.
Howdy.
Nice to meet you.
So it's really true there are
Nice to meet you.
So it's really true there are
only two families on
So it's really true there are
only two families on
toad island.
Only two families on
toad island.
Yeah.
Toad island.
Yeah.
And now, no offense, but, uh,
Yeah.
And now, no offense, but, uh,
isn't it dangerous for two
And now, no offense, but, uh,
isn't it dangerous for two
families to intermarry
Isn't it dangerous for two
families to intermarry
for all these years?
Families to intermarry
for all these years?
If the good lord had meant
For all these years?
If the good lord had meant
for us to marry women from the
If the good lord had meant
for us to marry women from the
mainland, he'd have given us
For us to marry women from the
mainland, he'd have given us
wings to fly over there
Mainland, he'd have given us
wings to fly over there
to meet them.
Wings to fly over there
to meet them.
Ah, I see.
To meet them.
Ah, I see.
Well, maybe, maybe you
Ah, I see.
Well, maybe, maybe you
can help me.
Well, maybe, maybe you
can help me.
You see, my father died when
Can help me.
You see, my father died when
I was very young and my mother
You see, my father died when
I was very young and my mother
never talked about him.
I was very young and my mother
never talked about him.
Well, she just passed away and
Never talked about him.
Well, she just passed away and
while going through her affects,
Well, she just passed away and
while going through her affects,
I found some letters to a hannah
While going through her affects,
I found some letters to a hannah
brundage of toad island.
I found some letters to a hannah
brundage of toad island.
[Insect buzzes]
Brundage of toad island.
[Insect buzzes]
and from these letters, it was
[Insect buzzes]
and from these letters, it was
apparent that her nephew, uh,
And from these letters, it was
apparent that her nephew, uh,
my, uh... Ned brundage,
Apparent that her nephew, uh,
my, uh... Ned brundage,
was my father. [Buzzing stops]
My, uh... Ned brundage,
was my father. [Buzzing stops]
now... I wrote aunt hannah and
Was my father. [Buzzing stops]
now... I wrote aunt hannah and
she warned me not to come to
Now... I wrote aunt hannah and
she warned me not to come to
toad island.
She warned me not to come to
toad island.
Do you have any idea why
Toad island.
Do you have any idea why
she would say that?
Do you have any idea why
she would say that?
Pepperidge farm.
She would say that?
Pepperidge farm.
What?
Pepperidge farm.
What?
Pepperidge farm?
What?
Pepperidge farm?
Are you telling me I can find
Pepperidge farm?
Are you telling me I can find
my aunt at this farm?
Are you telling me I can find
my aunt at this farm?
No use talking to him.
My aunt at this farm?
No use talking to him.
You won't learn much
No use talking to him.
You won't learn much
to a bailey.
You won't learn much
to a bailey.
As we say around here, no use
To a bailey.
As we say around here, no use
shaking the tree if the fruit
As we say around here, no use
shaking the tree if the fruit
ain't ripe.
Shaking the tree if the fruit
ain't ripe.
Really?
Ain't ripe.
Really?
How did he get that way?
Really?
How did he get that way?
Well, that's for me to know
How did he get that way?
Well, that's for me to know
and you to find out.
Well, that's for me to know
and you to find out.
Look, can't someone tell me
And you to find out.
Look, can't someone tell me
something about my father?
Look, can't someone tell me
something about my father?
Folks don't much like talking
Something about my father?
Folks don't much like talking
about ned brundage.
Folks don't much like talking
about ned brundage.
He was the first islander to
About ned brundage.
He was the first islander to
marry a girl from the mainland.
He was the first islander to
marry a girl from the mainland.
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
Marry a girl from the mainland.
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
love, we warned him against it,
Yeah, when they, uh, fell in
love, we warned him against it,
but their marriage didn't
Love, we warned him against it,
but their marriage didn't
last either.
But their marriage didn't
last either.
A year later, he came back to
Last either.
A year later, he came back to
the island a deflated man.
A year later, he came back to
the island a deflated man.
Proceeding to drink himself to
The island a deflated man.
Proceeding to drink himself to
an early grave.
Proceeding to drink himself to
an early grave.
I don't understand.
An early grave.
I don't understand.
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
I don't understand.
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
any of this?
Why, why didn't my aunt tell me
any of this?
Well, that's for your aunt to
Any of this?
Well, that's for your aunt to
know and for you to find out.
Well, that's for your aunt to
know and for you to find out.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Know and for you to find out.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I suggest you go up to bed now.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Now, which room is mine?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Now, which room is mine?
Maybe it's room 11,
Now, which room is mine?
Maybe it's room 11,
maybe it's not.
Maybe it's room 11,
maybe it's not.
Well, I'll just go up
Maybe it's not.
Well, I'll just go up
to room 11 and see if
Well, I'll just go up
to room 11 and see if
my luggage is there.
To room 11 and see if
my luggage is there.
Good night.
My luggage is there.
Good night.
All: good night!
Good night.
All: good night!
Nice fella.
All: good night!
Nice fella.
I don't know, didn't he
Nice fella.
I don't know, didn't he
strike you as a bit of
I don't know, didn't he
strike you as a bit of
an odd bird?
Strike you as a bit of
an odd bird?
Maybe he did, but then again,
An odd bird?
Maybe he did, but then again,
maybe he didn't.
Maybe he did, but then again,
maybe he didn't.
Well, that's for you to know
Maybe he didn't.
Well, that's for you to know
and you to find out.
Well, that's for you to know
and you to find out.
Surprise, everybody!
And you to find out.
Surprise, everybody!
Pepperidge farm.
Surprise, everybody!
Pepperidge farm.
[Thunder rumbles]
Tom [thinking]: as my ferry
steams toward the craggy maine
coast, I ask myself, has it
Steams toward the craggy maine
coast, I ask myself, has it
really been three years?
Coast, I ask myself, has it
really been three years?
Of my conversations with aunt
Really been three years?
Of my conversations with aunt
hannah, more in chapter two, but
Of my conversations with aunt
hannah, more in chapter two, but
I can only say she was the most
Hannah, more in chapter two, but
I can only say she was the most
difficult person to talk to on
I can only say she was the most
difficult person to talk to on
the island.
Difficult person to talk to on
the island.
And I realize that the only
The island.
And I realize that the only
mystery is how I could've spent
And I realize that the only
mystery is how I could've spent
three years on...
Mystery is how I could've spent
three years on...
Toad island.
Three years on...
Toad island.
[Applause]
Boy, todd.
[Cheers and applause]
boy...
[Cheers and applause]
boy...
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
Boy...
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
dinner in a hurry.
Boy, todd, you sure wolfed down
dinner in a hurry.
That's because I'm hungry for
Dinner in a hurry.
That's because I'm hungry for
some of that loopner lunch pail,
That's because I'm hungry for
some of that loopner lunch pail,
that's all.
Some of that loopner lunch pail,
that's all.
No, now, todd, we've been
That's all.
No, now, todd, we've been
through this a zillion times and
No, now, todd, we've been
through this a zillion times and
the answer to your pathetic
Through this a zillion times and
the answer to your pathetic
animal needs is still no!
The answer to your pathetic
animal needs is still no!
N-o spells no!
Animal needs is still no!
N-o spells no!
Lisa... According to
N-o spells no!
Lisa... According to
masters and johnson,
Lisa... According to
masters and johnson,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Masters and johnson,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Be good to me now, my kitten,
I'm at my sexual peak.
Be good to me now, my kitten,
and I shall remember you when
Be good to me now, my kitten,
and I shall remember you when
you peak about 55 or 60.
And I shall remember you when
you peak about 55 or 60.
Todd, that's real big of you.
You peak about 55 or 60.
Todd, that's real big of you.
But, according to shere hite,
Todd, that's real big of you.
But, according to shere hite,
you can never give me
But, according to shere hite,
you can never give me
as much pleasure as I could
You can never give me
as much pleasure as I could
give myself.
As much pleasure as I could
give myself.
What does shere hite know?
Give myself.
What does shere hite know?
She's never dated me.
What does shere hite know?
She's never dated me.
Yeah, well, personally...
She's never dated me.
Yeah, well, personally...
Stop it, todd.
Yeah, well, personally...
Stop it, todd.
I feel, in our culture,
Stop it, todd.
I feel, in our culture,
sex is overrated.
I feel, in our culture,
sex is overrated.
I mean... [Blows air]
Sex is overrated.
I mean... [Blows air]
look at my mother.
I mean... [Blows air]
look at my mother.
I mean, she's perfectly happy
Look at my mother.
I mean, she's perfectly happy
with the memory of my father,
I mean, she's perfectly happy
with the memory of my father,
the late mr. Loopner.
With the memory of my father,
the late mr. Loopner.
Both: god rest his soul.
The late mr. Loopner.
Both: god rest his soul.
Well, you look at
Both: god rest his soul.
Well, you look at
your mother.
Well, you look at
your mother.
Her shoulders are up
Your mother.
Her shoulders are up
around her ears.
Her shoulders are up
around her ears.
The woman is repressed.
Around her ears.
The woman is repressed.
I mean, she got problems.
The woman is repressed.
I mean, she got problems.
That's because her bra straps
I mean, she got problems.
That's because her bra straps
are too tight.
That's because her bra straps
are too tight.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Are too tight.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Todd, could you open
Oh, yeah, sure.
Todd, could you open
this for me?
Todd, could you open
this for me?
I seem to have screwed the lid
This for me?
I seem to have screwed the lid
on too hard.
I seem to have screwed the lid
on too hard.
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
On too hard.
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Certainly, mrs. Loopner.
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Oh, todd, you have such a
It's really jammed, isn't it?
Oh, todd, you have such a
strong right arm!
Oh, todd, you have such a
strong right arm!
Yeah, he works out
Strong right arm!
Yeah, he works out
with it a lot.
Yeah, he works out
with it a lot.
Well, back to the salt mines.
With it a lot.
Well, back to the salt mines.
Mom, mom, forget about
Well, back to the salt mines.
Mom, mom, forget about
the egg salad.
Mom, mom, forget about
the egg salad.
I can buy lunch.
The egg salad.
I can buy lunch.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
I can buy lunch.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
making egg salad.
Oh, lisa, I enjoy
making egg salad.
It gives me pleasure.
Making egg salad.
It gives me pleasure.
That and ironing contour sheets.
It gives me pleasure.
That and ironing contour sheets.
Ironing contour sheets.
That and ironing contour sheets.
Ironing contour sheets.
Todd, maybe she is
Ironing contour sheets.
Todd, maybe she is
sublimating her sexual energy.
Todd, maybe she is
sublimating her sexual energy.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
Sublimating her sexual energy.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
theopolis.
[Chuckles] perhaps,
theopolis.
My dad's the same way ever since
Theopolis.
My dad's the same way ever since
we lost my mom, but I don't want
My dad's the same way ever since
we lost my mom, but I don't want
you to end up like that, lisa.
We lost my mom, but I don't want
you to end up like that, lisa.
I want that pink, pink flush in
You to end up like that, lisa.
I want that pink, pink flush in
your nose to spread down, down
I want that pink, pink flush in
your nose to spread down, down
to your cheeks, across your
Your nose to spread down, down
to your cheeks, across your
rather unusually skinny and
To your cheeks, across your
rather unusually skinny and
fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
Rather unusually skinny and
fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
to your chest, wherever
Fleshy neck, down your rosy halo
to your chest, wherever
your chest may be.
To your chest, wherever
your chest may be.
Cut it out, pizza face!
Your chest may be.
Cut it out, pizza face!
Lisa, prove your love to me,
Cut it out, pizza face!
Lisa, prove your love to me,
or else you'll be responsible
Lisa, prove your love to me,
or else you'll be responsible
for giving me a painful case of
Or else you'll be responsible
for giving me a painful case of
lover's noogie!
For giving me a painful case of
lover's noogie!
That's right.
Lover's noogie!
That's right.
You know what lover's
That's right.
You know what lover's
noogies are?
You know what lover's
noogies are?
It's when your head turns all
Noogies are?
It's when your head turns all
blue and swells up.
It's when your head turns all
blue and swells up.
Oh, that's funny,
Blue and swells up.
Oh, that's funny,
I forgot to laugh.
Oh, that's funny,
I forgot to laugh.
[Doorbell rings]
I forgot to laugh.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
Get what?
I'll get it.
Get what?
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Get what?
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Hello, lisa.
Hello, mr. Dilamuca.
Hello, lisa.
Nice to see you.
Hello, lisa.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Todd, a little bird told me that
Nice to see you.
Todd, a little bird told me that
I'd find you here, and no wonder
Todd, a little bird told me that
I'd find you here, and no wonder
when I look at lisa. [Laughs]
I'd find you here, and no wonder
when I look at lisa. [Laughs]
thank you, mister...
When I look at lisa. [Laughs]
thank you, mister...
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Thank you, mister...
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Um, where are you hiding that
Thank you, mr. Dilamuca.
Um, where are you hiding that
gorgeous mother of yours?
Um, where are you hiding that
gorgeous mother of yours?
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Gorgeous mother of yours?
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Why don't you go
Oh, she's in the kitchen.
Why don't you go
get her, lisa?
Why don't you go
get her, lisa?
Oh, don't go to any trouble
Get her, lisa?
Oh, don't go to any trouble
on my account.
Oh, don't go to any trouble
on my account.
Oh, yeah, right.
On my account.
Oh, yeah, right.
Why don't I go get her?
Oh, yeah, right.
Why don't I go get her?
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Why don't I go get her?
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Yeah... Yeah.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Yeah... Yeah.
Well, son, we're in luck.
Yeah... Yeah.
Well, son, we're in luck.
I managed to get two tickets to
Well, son, we're in luck.
I managed to get two tickets to
the tri-state, all-star chess
I managed to get two tickets to
the tri-state, all-star chess
tournament tonight.
The tri-state, all-star chess
tournament tonight.
How 'bout steppin' out
Tournament tonight.
How 'bout steppin' out
with your old dad?
How 'bout steppin' out
with your old dad?
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
With your old dad?
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
but I got some trig homework
Gee, dad, I'd love to,
but I got some trig homework
that I'm dying to get to.
But I got some trig homework
that I'm dying to get to.
Really excited about it.
That I'm dying to get to.
Really excited about it.
Say, I know, why don't you ask
Really excited about it.
Say, I know, why don't you ask
mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Say, I know, why don't you ask
mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Ask enid?
Mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Ask enid?
Sure, it'll do her good to
Ask enid?
Sure, it'll do her good to
get her out of the house and it
Sure, it'll do her good to
get her out of the house and it
may do me some good too,
Get her out of the house and it
may do me some good too,
if you get my drift.
May do me some good too,
if you get my drift.
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
If you get my drift.
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
she wouldn't want to go out with
Oh, she wouldn't want to,
she wouldn't want to go out with
an old fogey like me.
She wouldn't want to go out with
an old fogey like me.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
An old fogey like me.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
deep down she's dying for it.
Uh, maybe not, dad, but, uh,
deep down she's dying for it.
You know that... Deep down.
Deep down she's dying for it.
You know that... Deep down.
Todd... [Laughs]
You know that... Deep down.
Todd... [Laughs]
dad, I have a confession to
Todd... [Laughs]
dad, I have a confession to
make between us guys.
Dad, I have a confession to
make between us guys.
I found that shoebox of yours
Make between us guys.
I found that shoebox of yours
with the belgian postcards.
I found that shoebox of yours
with the belgian postcards.
Todd, what were you doing in
With the belgian postcards.
Todd, what were you doing in
my underwear drawer?
Todd, what were you doing in
my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, dad.
My underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, dad.
I looked at 'em all, except for
I'm sorry, dad.
I looked at 'em all, except for
those two that were
I looked at 'em all, except for
those two that were
stuck together.
Those two that were
stuck together.
Too bad, those were
Stuck together.
Too bad, those were
the best ones.
Too bad, those were
the best ones.
Yeah, you know, that thought
The best ones.
Yeah, you know, that thought
had occurred to me.
Yeah, you know, that thought
had occurred to me.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
Had occurred to me.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
She's a whole lot of woman.
But, uh... Enid loopner?
She's a whole lot of woman.
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
She's a whole lot of woman.
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
and, dad, I happen to know that,
She's a beast. [Both laugh]
and, dad, I happen to know that,
uh, mrs. Loopner is
And, dad, I happen to know that,
uh, mrs. Loopner is
a natural blonde.
Uh, mrs. Loopner is
a natural blonde.
You've seen her in her
A natural blonde.
You've seen her in her
birthday suit?
You've seen her in her
birthday suit?
Don't gross me out, dad.
Birthday suit?
Don't gross me out, dad.
I mean, the hair on
Don't gross me out, dad.
I mean, the hair on
her arms is blonde.
I mean, the hair on
her arms is blonde.
Oh, god.
Her arms is blonde.
Oh, god.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Oh, god.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Marshall, long time, no see.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Hello, enid.
Go for it, dad, go for it.
Hello, enid.
How's every little thing?
Hello, enid.
How's every little thing?
Couldn't be better.
How's every little thing?
Couldn't be better.
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Couldn't be better.
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Oh, tre distingue!
Ooh, I see you've grown a beard.
Oh, tre distingue!
I had to stop shaving because
Oh, tre distingue!
I had to stop shaving because
of this painful skin condition.
I had to stop shaving because
of this painful skin condition.
Oh, like father, like son.
Of this painful skin condition.
Oh, like father, like son.
Well, I always say, a man
Oh, like father, like son.
Well, I always say, a man
without a beard is like hot
Well, I always say, a man
without a beard is like hot
apple pie without cheese.
Without a beard is like hot
apple pie without cheese.
[All laugh]
Apple pie without cheese.
[All laugh]
mom, let me take off your
[All laugh]
mom, let me take off your
apron and show your beautiful
Mom, let me take off your
apron and show your beautiful
house coat.
Apron and show your beautiful
house coat.
Isn't it pretty?
House coat.
Isn't it pretty?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
Isn't it pretty?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
attractive house coat, dad?
Isn't mrs. Loopner wearing an
attractive house coat, dad?
It's stunning.
Attractive house coat, dad?
It's stunning.
Oh, this old thing?
It's stunning.
Oh, this old thing?
Well, it's a house coat.
Oh, this old thing?
Well, it's a house coat.
It's just for wearing
Well, it's a house coat.
It's just for wearing
around the house.
It's just for wearing
around the house.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Around the house.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I'd say it can go anywhere.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I'd say it can go anywhere.
You can even wear that to a
I'd say it can go anywhere.
You can even wear that to a
chess tournament, for example,
You can even wear that to a
chess tournament, for example,
don't you think?
Chess tournament, for example,
don't you think?
I, i, i... I do
Don't you think?
I, i, i... I do
have two tickets.
I, i, i... I do
have two tickets.
Oh... Oh, marshall.
Have two tickets.
Oh... Oh, marshall.
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
Oh... Oh, marshall.
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
to be indelicate but, well,
[Chuckles] well, I don't mean
to be indelicate but, well,
uh... You know, I always
To be indelicate but, well,
uh... You know, I always
thought, um, I mean, I really,
Uh... You know, I always
thought, um, I mean, I really,
uh... You know, marshall,
Thought, um, I mean, I really,
uh... You know, marshall,
whatever became of
Uh... You know, marshall,
whatever became of
mrs. Dilamuca?
Whatever became of
mrs. Dilamuca?
That, enid,
Mrs. Dilamuca?
That, enid,
is the $64,000 question.
That, enid,
is the $64,000 question.
Dad, please, you promised.
Is the $64,000 question.
Dad, please, you promised.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
Dad, please, you promised.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
some 12 years ago.
We lost mrs. Dilamuca
some 12 years ago.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
Some 12 years ago.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
We lost her at expo 67.
Oh, dear, how did it happen?
We lost her at expo 67.
She was supposed to meet us
We lost her at expo 67.
She was supposed to meet us
at the car.
She was supposed to meet us
at the car.
Dad, no! Come on!
At the car.
Dad, no! Come on!
She said she just wanted to
Dad, no! Come on!
She said she just wanted to
go and buy one of those little
She said she just wanted to
go and buy one of those little
wooden dolls with all the other
Go and buy one of those little
wooden dolls with all the other
little wooden dolls inside,
Wooden dolls with all the other
little wooden dolls inside,
you know?
Little wooden dolls inside,
you know?
And she wasn't sure
You know?
And she wasn't sure
which pavilion to go to,
And she wasn't sure
which pavilion to go to,
bulgaria or romania.
Which pavilion to go to,
bulgaria or romania.
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
Bulgaria or romania.
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
in vietnam?
You mean, she wasn't k*lled
in vietnam?
No, lisa, she wasn't
In vietnam?
No, lisa, she wasn't
an army nurse and she didn't
No, lisa, she wasn't
an army nurse and she didn't
win the congressional medal
An army nurse and she didn't
win the congressional medal
of honor either.
Win the congressional medal
of honor either.
Todd, you're a liar.
Of honor either.
Todd, you're a liar.
I blame myself.
Todd, you're a liar.
I blame myself.
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
I blame myself.
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
What about the chess
Oh, marshall, you mustn't.
What about the chess
tournament, enid?
What about the chess
tournament, enid?
Will you come with me?
Tournament, enid?
Will you come with me?
Oh, well, who's playing?
Will you come with me?
Oh, well, who's playing?
Vern ginsberg and
Oh, well, who's playing?
Vern ginsberg and
jeffery stutz.
Vern ginsberg and
jeffery stutz.
Should be pretty exciting.
Jeffery stutz.
Should be pretty exciting.
You know, the winner gets to try
Should be pretty exciting.
You know, the winner gets to try
out for the semifinals.
You know, the winner gets to try
out for the semifinals.
Oh, it sounds like fun.
Out for the semifinals.
Oh, it sounds like fun.
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
Oh, it sounds like fun.
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
sometimes I get so excited
[Chuckles] you know, enid,
sometimes I get so excited
watching, I almost make a noise.
Sometimes I get so excited
watching, I almost make a noise.
Oh.
Watching, I almost make a noise.
Oh.
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
Oh.
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
but I just put a fresh batch of
Well, I'd like to go, marshall,
but I just put a fresh batch of
eggs on to boil.
But I just put a fresh batch of
eggs on to boil.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Eggs on to boil.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
Oh, don't worry, mrs.
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
All right, what'll it be,
Loopner, I'll watch the eggs.
All right, what'll it be,
enid, yay or nay?
All right, what'll it be,
enid, yay or nay?
Oh, go, mom!
Enid, yay or nay?
Oh, go, mom!
You'd be crazy not to go!
Oh, go, mom!
You'd be crazy not to go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
You'd be crazy not to go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
Come on, mom, go!
It's great, I'd k*ll to go!
Come on, mom, go!
W... Well, then take
Come on, mom, go!
W... Well, then take
my ticket, here.
W... Well, then take
my ticket, here.
What?
My ticket, here.
What?
You really want to go...
What?
You really want to go...
Well, both of you go.
You really want to go...
Well, both of you go.
That's all right.
Well, both of you go.
That's all right.
Here are the tickets, you...
That's all right.
Here are the tickets, you...
No, you better hurry now.
Here are the tickets, you...
No, you better hurry now.
Well, what about the eggs?
No, you better hurry now.
Well, what about the eggs?
No, we'll worry
Well, what about the eggs?
No, we'll worry
about the eggs.
No, we'll worry
about the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
About the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
watch the eggs.
We'll just, we'll stay here and
watch the eggs.
Don't you worry about that.
Watch the eggs.
Don't you worry about that.
You just go and have
Don't you worry about that.
You just go and have
a darn good time.
You just go and have
a darn good time.
Lisa, did you leave the keys
A darn good time.
Lisa, did you leave the keys
in the gremlin?
Lisa, did you leave the keys
in the gremlin?
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
In the gremlin?
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Yeah, I think I did, mom.
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Ok, todd, good-bye!
Oh, marshall, thank you!
Ok, todd, good-bye!
I guess I'll see you at school.
Ok, todd, good-bye!
I guess I'll see you at school.
Good-bye, lisa.
I guess I'll see you at school.
Good-bye, lisa.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
Good-bye, lisa.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
It's a pleasure.
And thanks, mr. Dilamuca.
It's a pleasure.
You have a good time now.
It's a pleasure.
You have a good time now.
[Laughs]
You have a good time now.
[Laughs]
[whimpers] way to go, dad.
[Laughs]
[whimpers] way to go, dad.
Well... I guess now we have
[Whimpers] way to go, dad.
Well... I guess now we have
a couple of hours to k*ll.
Well... I guess now we have
a couple of hours to k*ll.
But it's ok.
A couple of hours to k*ll.
But it's ok.
I brought the postcards
But it's ok.
I brought the postcards
with me.
I brought the postcards
with me.
Look at this.
With me.
Look at this.
[Applause]
Look at this.
[Applause]
[♪...]
Ladies and gentlemen,
tom petty and the heartbreakers.
[Cheers and applause]
Tom petty and the heartbreakers.
[Cheers and applause]
["refugee" plays]
♪ We got somethin',
we both know it ♪
♪ we don't talk
We both know it ♪
♪ we don't talk
too much about it ♪
♪ We don't talk
too much about it ♪
♪ yeah, it ain't
Too much about it ♪
♪ yeah, it ain't
no real big secret ♪
♪ Yeah, it ain't
no real big secret ♪
♪ all the same,
No real big secret ♪
♪ all the same,
somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ All the same,
somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ listen, it don't make
Somehow, we get around it ♪
♪ listen, it don't make
no difference to me, baby ♪
♪ Listen, it don't make
no difference to me, baby ♪
♪ you believe what you
No difference to me, baby ♪
♪ you believe what you
want to believe ♪
♪ You believe what you
want to believe ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
Want to believe ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ somewhere, somehow,
Like a refugee ♪
♪ somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
♪ Somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
Somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
♪ who knows why you wanna lay
Around some ♪
♪ who knows why you wanna lay
there, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Who knows why you wanna lay
there, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
There, revel in your abandon? ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
matter to me, baby ♪
♪ Honey, it don't really
matter to me, baby ♪
♪ everybody's had to fight
Matter to me, baby ♪
♪ everybody's had to fight
to be free ♪
♪ Everybody's had to fight
to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
To be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ no, baby, you don't have
Like a refugee ♪
♪ no, baby, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ No, baby, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh ♪
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
♪ Baby, we ain't the first ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ I'm sure a lot of
other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ right now this seems
Other lovers've been burned ♪
♪ right now this seems
real to you ♪
♪ Right now this seems
real to you ♪
♪ but it's one of those things
Real to you ♪
♪ but it's one of those things
you gotta feel to be true ♪
♪ But it's one of those things
you gotta feel to be true ♪
[♪...]
♪ Somewhere, somehow,
somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
Somebody must have kicked you
around some ♪
♪ who knows, maybe you
Around some ♪
♪ who knows, maybe you
were kidnapped, tied up,
♪ Who knows, maybe you
were kidnapped, tied up,
taken away and held for ransom ♪
Were kidnapped, tied up,
taken away and held for ransom ♪
♪ baby, it don't make no
Taken away and held for ransom ♪
♪ baby, it don't make no
difference to me, honey ♪
♪ Baby, it don't make no
difference to me, honey ♪
♪ everybody's had
Difference to me, honey ♪
♪ everybody's had
to fight to be free ♪
♪ Everybody's had
to fight to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
To fight to be free ♪
♪ you see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ You see, you don't have
to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
To live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, baby, you don't
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, baby, you don't
have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ Oh, baby, you don't
have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
Have to live like a refugee ♪
♪ don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ Don't have to live
like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh. ♪
Like a refugee ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh. ♪
[♪...]
[♪...]
[Music ends,
cheers and applause]
Announcer: and now,
"weekend update," with the
"weekend update" news team,
"Weekend update," with the
"weekend update" news team,
your anchorpersons, bill murray
"Weekend update" news team,
your anchorpersons, bill murray
and jane curtain.
Your anchorpersons, bill murray
and jane curtain.
Good evening,
And jane curtain.
Good evening,
I'm jane curtain.
Good evening,
I'm jane curtain.
Here now, the news.
I'm jane curtain.
Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight...
Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight...
The chase manhattan bank
Our top story tonight...
The chase manhattan bank
this week raised its prime
The chase manhattan bank
this week raised its prime
lending rate to 100%.
This week raised its prime
lending rate to 100%.
The bank's spokesperson said
Lending rate to 100%.
The bank's spokesperson said
that the move eliminates the
The bank's spokesperson said
that the move eliminates the
need for computers, calculators,
That the move eliminates the
need for computers, calculators,
clerks and accountants.
Need for computers, calculators,
clerks and accountants.
All the bank needs is somebody
Clerks and accountants.
All the bank needs is somebody
around who can multiply by two.
All the bank needs is somebody
around who can multiply by two.
Campaigning in chicago this
Around who can multiply by two.
Campaigning in chicago this
week, presidential contender ted
Campaigning in chicago this
week, presidential contender ted
kennedy was hit in the left
Week, presidential contender ted
kennedy was hit in the left
shoulder with an egg.
Kennedy was hit in the left
shoulder with an egg.
Ironically, his motorcade had
Shoulder with an egg.
Ironically, his motorcade had
just passed the illinois
Ironically, his motorcade had
just passed the illinois
egg depository.
Just passed the illinois
egg depository.
A disappointing turnout greeted
Egg depository.
A disappointing turnout greeted
folk singer joan baez as she
A disappointing turnout greeted
folk singer joan baez as she
began her concert tour of
Folk singer joan baez as she
began her concert tour of
refugee camps in thailand.
Began her concert tour of
refugee camps in thailand.
Promoters of the tour said the
Refugee camps in thailand.
Promoters of the tour said the
light attendance was possibly
Promoters of the tour said the
light attendance was possibly
due to the price of tickets
Light attendance was possibly
due to the price of tickets
which were scaled from $17.50 to
Due to the price of tickets
which were scaled from $17.50 to
$30. Bill?
Which were scaled from $17.50 to
$30. Bill?
Last week, the world health
$30. Bill?
Last week, the world health
organization announced that
Last week, the world health
organization announced that
smallpox had finally been wiped
Organization announced that
smallpox had finally been wiped
off the face of the earth.
Smallpox had finally been wiped
off the face of the earth.
We're sorry to report that,
Off the face of the earth.
We're sorry to report that,
today, it broke out at the other
We're sorry to report that,
today, it broke out at the other
end, buffalo, new york.
Today, it broke out at the other
end, buffalo, new york.
Get well soon, buffalo.
End, buffalo, new york.
Get well soon, buffalo.
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
Get well soon, buffalo.
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
this week where she visited
Rosalynn carter was in thailand
this week where she visited
a camp of sick and starving
This week where she visited
a camp of sick and starving
cambodian refugees.
A camp of sick and starving
cambodian refugees.
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
Cambodian refugees.
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
mother, the experience was
Mrs. Carter said that, "as a
mother, the experience was
emotionally overwhelming," and
Mother, the experience was
emotionally overwhelming," and
pledged to raise american
Emotionally overwhelming," and
pledged to raise american
consciousness of the situation
Pledged to raise american
consciousness of the situation
by starving her own daughter,
Consciousness of the situation
by starving her own daughter,
amy. Jane?
By starving her own daughter,
amy. Jane?
It has been brought to our
Amy. Jane?
It has been brought to our
attention that, in a recent
It has been brought to our
attention that, in a recent
"weekend update" editorial, we
Attention that, in a recent
"weekend update" editorial, we
offended a good portion of our
"Weekend update" editorial, we
offended a good portion of our
audience by claiming that all
Offended a good portion of our
audience by claiming that all
black people have gotten
Audience by claiming that all
black people have gotten
consistently poor grades
Black people have gotten
consistently poor grades
in geography.
Consistently poor grades
in geography.
Well, we're sorry.
In geography.
Well, we're sorry.
What we meant to say
Well, we're sorry.
What we meant to say
was all black people look
What we meant to say
was all black people look
like charles kuralt.
Was all black people look
like charles kuralt.
This week, "weekend update" is
Like charles kuralt.
This week, "weekend update" is
debuting a new feature,
This week, "weekend update" is
debuting a new feature,
"your turn," in which welcome
Debuting a new feature,
"your turn," in which welcome
concerned citizens to express
"Your turn," in which welcome
concerned citizens to express
their views on issues in
Concerned citizens to express
their views on issues in
our society.
Their views on issues in
our society.
Today, to speak on behalf of the
Our society.
Today, to speak on behalf of the
chemical industry is industry
Today, to speak on behalf of the
chemical industry is industry
spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Chemical industry is industry
spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Thank you, jane.
Spokesman jack van arks. Jack?
Thank you, jane.
You know, these days, a lot of
Thank you, jane.
You know, these days, a lot of
people think that anything
You know, these days, a lot of
people think that anything
chemical is bad and anything
People think that anything
chemical is bad and anything
natural is good.
Chemical is bad and anything
natural is good.
Now, what these people forget is
Natural is good.
Now, what these people forget is
that nature is chemicals.
Now, what these people forget is
that nature is chemicals.
Now, one of the reasons I think
That nature is chemicals.
Now, one of the reasons I think
people have this prejudice
Now, one of the reasons I think
people have this prejudice
against chemistry is that it
People have this prejudice
against chemistry is that it
was such a difficult subject
Against chemistry is that it
was such a difficult subject
in school.
Was such a difficult subject
in school.
I admit it myself.
In school.
I admit it myself.
That's why I majored
I admit it myself.
That's why I majored
in public relations.
That's why I majored
in public relations.
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
In public relations.
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
communicating with people than I
Believe me, I'm a lot better at
communicating with people than I
am at figuring out complicated
Communicating with people than I
am at figuring out complicated
equations and formulas.
Am at figuring out complicated
equations and formulas.
Now, the other day, I was eating
Equations and formulas.
Now, the other day, I was eating
lunch at a chemical factory when
Now, the other day, I was eating
lunch at a chemical factory when
one of the lab scientists said
Lunch at a chemical factory when
one of the lab scientists said
to me, "jack, you want
One of the lab scientists said
to me, "jack, you want
some sodium chloride on
To me, "jack, you want
some sodium chloride on
your baked potato?"
Some sodium chloride on
your baked potato?"
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
Your baked potato?"
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
chemicals away from my food."
And I said, "whoa, keep your lab
chemicals away from my food."
And said, "jack, sodium
Chemicals away from my food."
And said, "jack, sodium
chloride... Nacl."
And said, "jack, sodium
chloride... Nacl."
And I said, "I don't care what
Chloride... Nacl."
And I said, "I don't care what
you call it, I don't want any
And I said, "I don't care what
you call it, I don't want any
sodium chloride near my potato."
You call it, I don't want any
sodium chloride near my potato."
Well, you know what sodium
Sodium chloride near my potato."
Well, you know what sodium
chloride turned out to be?
Well, you know what sodium
chloride turned out to be?
Simple table salt.
Chloride turned out to be?
Simple table salt.
Pretty harmless.
Simple table salt.
Pretty harmless.
Well... No sooner is that
Pretty harmless.
Well... No sooner is that
amusing episode over when I say,
Well... No sooner is that
amusing episode over when I say,
"boy, my soup sure is hot."
Amusing episode over when I say,
"boy, my soup sure is hot."
And this chemist says,
"Boy, my soup sure is hot."
And this chemist says,
"why don't you put some
And this chemist says,
"why don't you put some
dihydrogen oxide in it?"
"Why don't you put some
dihydrogen oxide in it?"
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Dihydrogen oxide in it?"
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And I said, "dihydrogen oxide?
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And he said,
Sounds pretty ominous to me."
And he said,
"dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
And he said,
"dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
Well, even I know what h2o is:
"Dihydrogen oxide: h2o."
Well, even I know what h2o is:
simple water.
Well, even I know what h2o is:
simple water.
Well, I guess eating would be
Simple water.
Well, I guess eating would be
kind of boring without old nacl
Well, I guess eating would be
kind of boring without old nacl
and life would be pretty
Kind of boring without old nacl
and life would be pretty
near impossible without
And life would be pretty
near impossible without
dihydrogen oxide.
Near impossible without
dihydrogen oxide.
So, you see, without chemicals,
Dihydrogen oxide.
So, you see, without chemicals,
life would be boring and
So, you see, without chemicals,
life would be boring and
impossible. Jane?
Life would be boring and
impossible. Jane?
Thank you, jack.
Impossible. Jane?
Thank you, jack.
Hey, jack, how would you
Thank you, jack.
Hey, jack, how would you
like a glass of h2so4?
Hey, jack, how would you
like a glass of h2so4?
Well, sure, jane.
Like a glass of h2so4?
Well, sure, jane.
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, sure, jane.
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, it's nothing more than
What the, what is h2so4, jane?
Well, it's nothing more than
simple, household sulfuric acid.
Well, it's nothing more than
simple, household sulfuric acid.
[Gagging loudly]
The pentagon announced that
yesterday afternoon a computer
malfunction sent out a false
Yesterday afternoon a computer
malfunction sent out a false
alert of a soviet m*ssile
Malfunction sent out a false
alert of a soviet m*ssile
attack, causing 10 u.s. And
Alert of a soviet m*ssile
attack, causing 10 u.s. And
canadian interceptors to take
Attack, causing 10 u.s. And
canadian interceptors to take
off from their bases.
Canadian interceptors to take
off from their bases.
The foul-up was corrected within
Off from their bases.
The foul-up was corrected within
six minutes and the false alert
The foul-up was corrected within
six minutes and the false alert
never reached president carter,
Six minutes and the false alert
never reached president carter,
defense secretary harold brown
Never reached president carter,
defense secretary harold brown
or general david jones, chairmen
Defense secretary harold brown
or general david jones, chairmen
of the joint chiefs of staff.
Or general david jones, chairmen
of the joint chiefs of staff.
However, strangely enough, the
Of the joint chiefs of staff.
However, strangely enough, the
report did reach allen ludden
However, strangely enough, the
report did reach allen ludden
and betty white, singer
Report did reach allen ludden
and betty white, singer
roy clark and the entire cast
And betty white, singer
roy clark and the entire cast
of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Roy clark and the entire cast
of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Testifying before a senate
Of "sweeney todd." Bill?
Testifying before a senate
economic committee this week,
Testifying before a senate
economic committee this week,
federal reserve chairman paul
Economic committee this week,
federal reserve chairman paul
volcker said that balancing
Federal reserve chairman paul
volcker said that balancing
the federal budget was as easy
Volcker said that balancing
the federal budget was as easy
as smoking a cigar through
The federal budget was as easy
as smoking a cigar through
your forehead.
As smoking a cigar through
your forehead.
The results of the first
Your forehead.
The results of the first
"weekend update" glickman poll
The results of the first
"weekend update" glickman poll
of president hopefuls were
"Weekend update" glickman poll
of president hopefuls were
released today.
Of president hopefuls were
released today.
Our staff sampling revealed the
Released today.
Our staff sampling revealed the
following figures: carter,
Our staff sampling revealed the
following figures: carter,
33-1/3%; kennedy, 33-1/3% and
Following figures: carter,
33-1/3%; kennedy, 33-1/3% and
glickman, 33-1/3%.
33-1/3%; Kennedy, 33-1/3% and
glickman, 33-1/3%.
Good luck, glick.
Glickman, 33-1/3%.
Good luck, glick.
And the pope announced on friday
Good luck, glick.
And the pope announced on friday
that the central government of
And the pope announced on friday
that the central government of
the catholic church is in
That the central government of
the catholic church is in
serious financial trouble and
The catholic church is in
serious financial trouble and
expects a budget deficit
Serious financial trouble and
expects a budget deficit
this year of $20.2 million.
Expects a budget deficit
this year of $20.2 million.
It seems that repercussions have
This year of $20.2 million.
It seems that repercussions have
even reached as far as "the find
It seems that repercussions have
even reached as far as "the find
the popes in the pizza" contest.
Even reached as far as "the find
the popes in the pizza" contest.
Here with the details is father
The popes in the pizza" contest.
Here with the details is father
guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
Here with the details is father
guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
[Cheers and applause]
Guido sarducci. Father sarducci?
[Cheers and applause]
the response from "the find
[Cheers and applause]
the response from "the find
the popes in the pizza contest"
The response from "the find
the popes in the pizza contest"
has just been fantastic.
The popes in the pizza contest"
has just been fantastic.
Over 50 million entries came
Has just been fantastic.
Over 50 million entries came
into nbc and then was
Over 50 million entries came
into nbc and then was
transported to the vatican, and
Into nbc and then was
transported to the vatican, and
in rome, it's just amazing.
Transported to the vatican, and
in rome, it's just amazing.
Everyone was delighted by
In rome, it's just amazing.
Everyone was delighted by
the amount of entries.
Everyone was delighted by
the amount of entries.
But also, it made a little
The amount of entries.
But also, it made a little
problem for us, to tell you
But also, it made a little
problem for us, to tell you
the truth.
Problem for us, to tell you
the truth.
We thought one, maybe two people
The truth.
We thought one, maybe two people
would be able to find all
We thought one, maybe two people
would be able to find all
264 popes in the pizza.
Would be able to find all
264 popes in the pizza.
I mean, it was only on there for
264 Popes in the pizza.
I mean, it was only on there for
30 seconds on the screen.
I mean, it was only on there for
30 seconds on the screen.
But the judges, they found that
30 Seconds on the screen.
But the judges, they found that
out of 50 million entries,
But the judges, they found that
out of 50 million entries,
almost 2,000 people found
Out of 50 million entries,
almost 2,000 people found
all of the popes.
Almost 2,000 people found
all of the popes.
And, as you know, I did promise
All of the popes.
And, as you know, I did promise
that the winner would get
And, as you know, I did promise
that the winner would get
to have this button, says,
That the winner would get
to have this button, says,
"I saw the pope on tv."
To have this button, says,
"I saw the pope on tv."
But, most unfortunately, we're
"I saw the pope on tv."
But, most unfortunately, we're
just not in the financial
But, most unfortunately, we're
just not in the financial
position at present time to make
Just not in the financial
position at present time to make
up 2,000 buttons.
Position at present time to make
up 2,000 buttons.
It's just not a burden we can
Up 2,000 buttons.
It's just not a burden we can
take on our shoulders at
It's just not a burden we can
take on our shoulders at
the present time.
Take on our shoulders at
the present time.
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
The present time.
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
all of the finalists here, all
So, what I'm a-gonna do, I got
all of the finalists here, all
2,000 winners, in this hopper
All of the finalists here, all
2,000 winners, in this hopper
and I'm gonna mix up these
2,000 Winners, in this hopper
and I'm gonna mix up these
letters and pick out one winner
And I'm gonna mix up these
letters and pick out one winner
who gets to have the button.
Letters and pick out one winner
who gets to have the button.
Look at all of these letters.
Who gets to have the button.
Look at all of these letters.
Isn't it amazing?
Look at all of these letters.
Isn't it amazing?
But this is nothing compared
Isn't it amazing?
But this is nothing compared
to the letters that came
But this is nothing compared
to the letters that came
into the mailroom.
To the letters that came
into the mailroom.
They just came in by the tons.
Into the mailroom.
They just came in by the tons.
You should have seen them,
They just came in by the tons.
You should have seen them,
just coming in.
You should have seen them,
just coming in.
We got this film,
Just coming in.
We got this film,
if we can roll it.
We got this film,
if we can roll it.
Let me show all the letters...
If we can roll it.
Let me show all the letters...
There it is.
Let me show all the letters...
There it is.
Look at it, look at that fellow.
There it is.
Look at it, look at that fellow.
They says that's more letters
Look at it, look at that fellow.
They says that's more letters
that nbc got since
They says that's more letters
that nbc got since
they canceled "bonanza."
That nbc got since
they canceled "bonanza."
Letters from all over the world,
They canceled "bonanza."
Letters from all over the world,
some even from as far away as
Letters from all over the world,
some even from as far away as
japan and mexico.
Some even from as far away as
japan and mexico.
Look at all of those letters,
Japan and mexico.
Look at all of those letters,
I'm telling you.
Look at all of those letters,
I'm telling you.
"Find the pope in the pizza,
I'm telling you.
"Find the pope in the pizza,
find the pope in the pizza...
"Find the pope in the pizza,
find the pope in the pizza...
Another one, another one...
Find the pope in the pizza...
Another one, another one...
That's another one there.
Another one, another one...
That's another one there.
Another one,
That's another one there.
Another one,
that's another one."
Another one,
that's another one."
What's this?
That's another one."
What's this?
He finds this one letter,
What's this?
He finds this one letter,
doesn't know what to do with it.
He finds this one letter,
doesn't know what to do with it.
It's for belushi.
Doesn't know what to do with it.
It's for belushi.
"Return to sender,
It's for belushi.
"Return to sender,
address unknown."
"Return to sender,
address unknown."
That's nbc's switchboard.
Address unknown."
That's nbc's switchboard.
All the people calling in,
That's nbc's switchboard.
All the people calling in,
making sure they have
All the people calling in,
making sure they have
the correct address.
Making sure they have
the correct address.
Then, about a week ago, all
The correct address.
Then, about a week ago, all
kinds of people started showing
Then, about a week ago, all
kinds of people started showing
up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Kinds of people started showing
up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Everybody wanted to be there
Up at the st. Peter's piazza.
Everybody wanted to be there
when they named the winner.
Everybody wanted to be there
when they named the winner.
Too bad it didn't happen there
When they named the winner.
Too bad it didn't happen there
but it was really fun in there.
Too bad it didn't happen there
but it was really fun in there.
Reminded me of woodstock.
But it was really fun in there.
Reminded me of woodstock.
Very exciting.
Reminded me of woodstock.
Very exciting.
There was some
Very exciting.
There was some
counter-demonstrations from
There was some
counter-demonstrations from
the italian presbyterians.
Counter-demonstrations from
the italian presbyterians.
They're just jealous because
The italian presbyterians.
They're just jealous because
they don't have their own pope.
They're just jealous because
they don't have their own pope.
They got a real chip on
They don't have their own pope.
They got a real chip on
their shoulders.
They got a real chip on
their shoulders.
Look at this, see that?
Their shoulders.
Look at this, see that?
That's the presbyterian salute.
Look at this, see that?
That's the presbyterian salute.
That's to you too, buddy.
That's the presbyterian salute.
That's to you too, buddy.
You know where you can put it.
That's to you too, buddy.
You know where you can put it.
Well, this is it.
You know where you can put it.
Well, this is it.
This is it now.
Well, this is it.
This is it now.
Let's see who's a-gonna
This is it now.
Let's see who's a-gonna
win this thing.
Let's see who's a-gonna
win this thing.
I'm pretty excited.
Win this thing.
I'm pretty excited.
This is the winner.
I'm pretty excited.
This is the winner.
His name... It's a him...
This is the winner.
His name... It's a him...
His name is wolf zimmerman from
His name... It's a him...
His name is wolf zimmerman from
evanston, illinois.
His name is wolf zimmerman from
evanston, illinois.
Congratulations, wolf.
Evanston, illinois.
Congratulations, wolf.
Everybody, wolf...
Congratulations, wolf.
Everybody, wolf...
Wolf, I take my hat
Everybody, wolf...
Wolf, I take my hat
symbolically off to you.
Wolf, I take my hat
symbolically off to you.
And to all of the people who
Symbolically off to you.
And to all of the people who
entered and didn't win,
And to all of the people who
entered and didn't win,
I would like to say thank you
Entered and didn't win,
I would like to say thank you
for entering.
I would like to say thank you
for entering.
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
For entering.
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
You know, what are you gonna do?
I'm sorry that you didn't win.
You know, what are you gonna do?
It's just a contest, right?
You know, what are you gonna do?
It's just a contest, right?
You know, someday, maybe
It's just a contest, right?
You know, someday, maybe
there'll be another contest.
You know, someday, maybe
there'll be another contest.
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
There'll be another contest.
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
mail to you, you know, just as
Wolf, I'm gonna send this in the
mail to you, you know, just as
soon as I get around to it.
Mail to you, you know, just as
soon as I get around to it.
Weighs pretty much.
Soon as I get around to it.
Weighs pretty much.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
Weighs pretty much.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
get the money to mail it.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna
get the money to mail it.
You know, wolf, maybe you could
Get the money to mail it.
You know, wolf, maybe you could
send me a couple of bucks just
You know, wolf, maybe you could
send me a couple of bucks just
to cover postage...
Send me a couple of bucks just
to cover postage...
Five, six, $10 for sure
To cover postage...
Five, six, $10 for sure
should be plenty.
Five, six, $10 for sure
should be plenty.
And to those of you who didn't
Should be plenty.
And to those of you who didn't
win, once again, I would like to
And to those of you who didn't
win, once again, I would like to
tell you the words of, I think
Win, once again, I would like to
tell you the words of, I think
it was st. Matthew who said, "it
Tell you the words of, I think
it was st. Matthew who said, "it
is probably better to have
It was st. Matthew who said, "it
is probably better to have
entered and lost than not to
Is probably better to have
entered and lost than not to
have entered at all."
Entered and lost than not to
have entered at all."
Arrivederci, america!
Have entered at all."
Arrivederci, america!
[Cheers and applause]
Arrivederci, america!
[Cheers and applause]
that's the news.
[Cheers and applause]
that's the news.
We hope our buddy al camoin
That's the news.
We hope our buddy al camoin
is feeling better.
We hope our buddy al camoin
is feeling better.
Good night, and have
Is feeling better.
Good night, and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
Good night, and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause]
[Alarm clock rings]
Announcer: it's 7 a.m.
In baltimore.
Time for "bad clams"
With the conklins.
And here they are,
Stan and trish.
Both: good morning,
baltimore.
Well, that was some beautiful
Baltimore.
Well, that was some beautiful
day we had yesterday,
Well, that was some beautiful
day we had yesterday,
wasn't it, trish?
Day we had yesterday,
wasn't it, trish?
Oh, stan, that sun
Wasn't it, trish?
Oh, stan, that sun
felt real good.
Oh, stan, that sun
felt real good.
It tried real hard to break
Felt real good.
It tried real hard to break
through those clouds and about
It tried real hard to break
through those clouds and about
2:00 it finally burst through,
Through those clouds and about
2:00 it finally burst through,
and we were blessed with such
2:00 It finally burst through,
and we were blessed with such
a wonderful afternoon.
And we were blessed with such
a wonderful afternoon.
Yes, from our studio windows
A wonderful afternoon.
Yes, from our studio windows
yesterday, we could see people
Yes, from our studio windows
yesterday, we could see people
strolling out to the park.
Yesterday, we could see people
strolling out to the park.
I saw someone
Strolling out to the park.
I saw someone
playing frisbee.
I saw someone
playing frisbee.
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
Playing frisbee.
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
day, and I'm keeping my fingers
Yes, yes, it was a lovely
day, and I'm keeping my fingers
crossed for this afternoon.
Day, and I'm keeping my fingers
crossed for this afternoon.
So are mine, stan.
Crossed for this afternoon.
So are mine, stan.
You know, last night, stan and I
So are mine, stan.
You know, last night, stan and I
caught this little film,
You know, last night, stan and I
caught this little film,
"breaking away..." >> Yes.
Caught this little film,
"breaking away..." >> Yes.
Which just opened at the
"Breaking away..." >> Yes.
Which just opened at the
whitman mall cinema, and we just
Which just opened at the
whitman mall cinema, and we just
adored it, didn't we, stan?
Whitman mall cinema, and we just
adored it, didn't we, stan?
Oh, it's a fun film.
Adored it, didn't we, stan?
Oh, it's a fun film.
It made us laugh...
Oh, it's a fun film.
It made us laugh...
[Exaggerated chuckling]
It made us laugh...
[Exaggerated chuckling]
and, you know, trish and I
[Exaggerated chuckling]
and, you know, trish and I
remarked that the thing we liked
And, you know, trish and I
remarked that the thing we liked
most about it was that it is
Remarked that the thing we liked
most about it was that it is
the kind of film that you don't
Most about it was that it is
the kind of film that you don't
have to be afraid to take
The kind of film that you don't
have to be afraid to take
the kids to.
Have to be afraid to take
the kids to.
It really is a good
The kids to.
It really is a good
family film.
It really is a good
family film.
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
Family film.
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
these bad clams today?
Right, now... Who's gonna eat
these bad clams today?
Ooh, god!
These bad clams today?
Ooh, god!
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god!
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god, well,
Mmm, those clams smell bad!
Ooh, god, well,
who's gonna eat 'em?
Ooh, god, well,
who's gonna eat 'em?
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Who's gonna eat 'em?
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Come on!
Who's gonna eat 'em, trish?
Come on!
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
Come on!
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
it's your turn to guess.
Ah, ah, ah, stan,
it's your turn to guess.
Well, trish, give me a hint.
It's your turn to guess.
Well, trish, give me a hint.
Well, stan...
Well, trish, give me a hint.
Well, stan...
Uh-huh.
Well, stan...
Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Our guest today has
red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Has starred in movies
Red hair... >> Uh-huh.
Has starred in movies
and the stage... >> Yes.
Has starred in movies
and the stage... >> Yes.
But is probably best known as
And the stage... >> Yes.
But is probably best known as
the first lady in television.
But is probably best known as
the first lady in television.
Can you guess who it is, stan?
The first lady in television.
Can you guess who it is, stan?
It's not lucy, is it?
Can you guess who it is, stan?
It's not lucy, is it?
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
It's not lucy, is it?
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
Yes!
Yes, it is... Lucille ball!
Yes!
[Applause]
Yes!
[Applause]
hi, stan.
[Applause]
hi, stan.
Hi, trish.
Hi, stan.
Hi, trish.
Hi, lucy.
Hi, trish.
Hi, lucy.
Good to see you again.
Hi, lucy.
Good to see you again.
Oh, it's been so long.
Good to see you again.
Oh, it's been so long.
Seems like I just never
Oh, it's been so long.
Seems like I just never
get to baltimore as much
Seems like I just never
get to baltimore as much
as I'd like to.
Get to baltimore as much
as I'd like to.
Let's sit down,
As I'd like to.
Let's sit down,
let's sit down. [Laughs]
Let's sit down,
let's sit down. [Laughs]
stan, I bet it's lucy who
Let's sit down. [Laughs]
stan, I bet it's lucy who
brought us all this sunshine.
Stan, I bet it's lucy who
brought us all this sunshine.
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
Brought us all this sunshine.
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
But my fingers are crossed that
Yes. >> Oh, you're so sweet.
But my fingers are crossed that
this nice weather holds up.
But my fingers are crossed that
this nice weather holds up.
So our ours.
This nice weather holds up.
So our ours.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
So our ours.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
Eat the clams.
Come on, lucy, come on, lucy.
Eat the clams.
They really smell
Eat the clams.
They really smell
bad today, stan.
They really smell
bad today, stan.
You know, lucy's right.
Bad today, stan.
You know, lucy's right.
You know, these chesapeake clams
You know, lucy's right.
You know, these chesapeake clams
have been sitting in the back of
You know, these chesapeake clams
have been sitting in the back of
our studio for days now.
Have been sitting in the back of
our studio for days now.
As usual, they haven't
Our studio for days now.
As usual, they haven't
been refrigerated.
As usual, they haven't
been refrigerated.
They've just been sitting there
Been refrigerated.
They've just been sitting there
in this pile of hot lights,
They've just been sitting there
in this pile of hot lights,
where they've been allowed
In this pile of hot lights,
where they've been allowed
to spoil, change color and
Where they've been allowed
to spoil, change color and
become extremely rancid.
To spoil, change color and
become extremely rancid.
Lucy, lucy, I think
Become extremely rancid.
Lucy, lucy, I think
we've spent enough time
Lucy, lucy, I think
we've spent enough time
talking about them.
We've spent enough time
talking about them.
Now we better start eating them.
Talking about them.
Now we better start eating them.
All right, you know, I really
Now we better start eating them.
All right, you know, I really
only do this because I love stan
All right, you know, I really
only do this because I love stan
and trish and all the people in
Only do this because I love stan
and trish and all the people in
the baltimore area.
And trish and all the people in
the baltimore area.
Here you go, lucy.
The baltimore area.
Here you go, lucy.
Boy, they smell bad!
Here you go, lucy.
Boy, they smell bad!
There you go, yeah.
Boy, they smell bad!
There you go, yeah.
This is the worst thing
There you go, yeah.
This is the worst thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
This is the worst thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
I've ever tasted in my life.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
juice, don't forget the juice.
Oh, oh, and don't forget the
juice, don't forget the juice.
Come on.
Juice, don't forget the juice.
Come on.
Oh!
Come on.
Oh!
Stop bitching, lucy,
Oh!
Stop bitching, lucy,
we've got a long way to go.
Stop bitching, lucy,
we've got a long way to go.
I think we have about
We've got a long way to go.
I think we have about
300 clams in this pile.
I think we have about
300 clams in this pile.
Can I have some
300 Clams in this pile.
Can I have some
coffee, please?
Can I have some
coffee, please?
Just a little bit of coffee.
Coffee, please?
Just a little bit of coffee.
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Just a little bit of coffee.
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
I'd enjoy a cup of coffee.
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
and eat the clams, and don't
Come on, stop stalling, lucy,
and eat the clams, and don't
forget the juice now.
And eat the clams, and don't
forget the juice now.
Stop it, stan!
Forget the juice now.
Stop it, stan!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Stop it, stan!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Boy, she's feisty today!
Stop it, trish! >> Come on!
Boy, she's feisty today!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Boy, she's feisty today!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Come on, come on, lucy!
Yes, she is, isn't she?
Come on, come on, lucy!
Well, it seems that our time
Come on, come on, lucy!
Well, it seems that our time
has run out.
Well, it seems that our time
has run out.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
Has run out.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
levenson eats some bad clams.
Tune in tomorrow when sam
levenson eats some bad clams.
[♪..., Applause]
Um, grandma, uh...
School's really good.
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
School's really good.
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
and I got, uh... I got a lot of
Uh, i, my teachers are all good
and I got, uh... I got a lot of
good friends and stuff, uh...
And I got, uh... I got a lot of
good friends and stuff, uh...
That's, that's nice, dear.
Good friends and stuff, uh...
That's, that's nice, dear.
Uh, and I got a lot of
That's, that's nice, dear.
Uh, and I got a lot of
classes and, uh...
Uh, and I got a lot of
classes and, uh...
Announcer: talking to
Classes and, uh...
Announcer: talking to
your grandparents doesn't
Announcer: talking to
your grandparents doesn't
have to be a clumsy and
Your grandparents doesn't
have to be a clumsy and
uncomfortable experience.
Have to be a clumsy and
uncomfortable experience.
When you know the right things
Uncomfortable experience.
When you know the right things
to say, your grandparents can be
When you know the right things
to say, your grandparents can be
an inexhaustible source of joy,
To say, your grandparents can be
an inexhaustible source of joy,
history and gifts.
An inexhaustible source of joy,
history and gifts.
And math.
History and gifts.
And math.
Nana, grandpa!
And math.
Nana, grandpa!
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
Nana, grandpa!
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
you're both here.
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
you're both here.
I like you so much more than
You're both here.
I like you so much more than
my other grandparents.
I like you so much more than
my other grandparents.
Oh, my, you're precious.
My other grandparents.
Oh, my, you're precious.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Oh, my, you're precious.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Yes, here, darling.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
Yes, here, darling.
I want you to take
Yes, here, darling.
I want you to take
this dollar and buy yourself
I want you to take
this dollar and buy yourself
something special.
This dollar and buy yourself
something special.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
Something special.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Oh, boy, a dollar!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Well, let me look at it!
I'm gonna spend this on candy.
Well, let me look at it!
My, my, what's all
Well, let me look at it!
My, my, what's all
the commotion about?
My, my, what's all
the commotion about?
We were just talking
The commotion about?
We were just talking
to little debbie.
We were just talking
to little debbie.
Oh, she's so full of life.
To little debbie.
Oh, she's so full of life.
Little debbie?
Oh, she's so full of life.
Little debbie?
That's funny, she usually
Little debbie?
That's funny, she usually
clams up around old people.
That's funny, she usually
clams up around old people.
How come, how come grandpa
Clams up around old people.
How come, how come grandpa
gave you the dollar?
How come, how come grandpa
gave you the dollar?
'Cause I know the right
Gave you the dollar?
'Cause I know the right
things to say, and you can too
'Cause I know the right
things to say, and you can too
if you listen to this record,
Things to say, and you can too
if you listen to this record,
"how to talk to
If you listen to this record,
"how to talk to
your grandparents."
"How to talk to
your grandparents."
Announcer: lesson one...
Your grandparents."
Announcer: lesson one...
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
Announcer: lesson one...
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
Tell me about
Better than watching television.
Tell me about
your operation, grandfather.
Tell me about
your operation, grandfather.
Why don't you two move
Your operation, grandfather.
Why don't you two move
in with us?
Why don't you two move
in with us?
It would be no bother at all."
In with us?
It would be no bother at all."
Listen and repeat.
It would be no bother at all."
Listen and repeat.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
Listen and repeat.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
"Hi, grandma, being with you is
better than watching television.
Hi, grandma."
Better than watching television.
Hi, grandma."
Both: hi, grandma!
Hi, grandma."
Both: hi, grandma!
Announcer: "being with you
Both: hi, grandma!
Announcer: "being with you
is better than
Announcer: "being with you
is better than
watching television."
Is better than
watching television."
Both: being with you is
Watching television."
Both: being with you is
better than watching television.
Both: being with you is
better than watching television.
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
Better than watching television.
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
being with you is better
Announcer: "hi, grandma,
being with you is better
than watching television."
Being with you is better
than watching television."
Both: hi, grandma,
Than watching television."
Both: hi, grandma,
being with you is better than
Both: hi, grandma,
being with you is better than
watching television.
Being with you is better than
watching television.
Announcer: in less time
Watching television.
Announcer: in less time
than it takes to learn
Announcer: in less time
than it takes to learn
a foreign language, you can be
Than it takes to learn
a foreign language, you can be
speaking comfortably with
A foreign language, you can be
speaking comfortably with
your grandparents.
Speaking comfortably with
your grandparents.
"How to talk to your
Your grandparents.
"How to talk to your
grandparents" will have you
"How to talk to your
grandparents" will have you
chatting with grandma and
Grandparents" will have you
chatting with grandma and
grandpa about these and many
Chatting with grandma and
grandpa about these and many
other subjects: how good
Grandpa about these and many
other subjects: how good
they look, gifts that you
Other subjects: how good
they look, gifts that you
acknowledge, gifts that you hint
They look, gifts that you
acknowledge, gifts that you hint
at, their last operation, cute
Acknowledge, gifts that you hint
at, their last operation, cute
things the dog did, you as
At, their last operation, cute
things the dog did, you as
a baby, vegetable gardens,
Things the dog did, you as
a baby, vegetable gardens,
flower gardens, the weather...
A baby, vegetable gardens,
flower gardens, the weather...
And many, many more.
Flower gardens, the weather...
And many, many more.
Just look at the results.
And many, many more.
Just look at the results.
I found speaking to my
Just look at the results.
I found speaking to my
grandparents much more bearable
I found speaking to my
grandparents much more bearable
after hearing just one side
Grandparents much more bearable
after hearing just one side
of this record.
After hearing just one side
of this record.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
Of this record.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
wasn't even my birthday.
Grandpa gave me $3, and it
wasn't even my birthday.
Talking to my grandparents
Wasn't even my birthday.
Talking to my grandparents
sure beats selling seeds.
Talking to my grandparents
sure beats selling seeds.
I'm using my money to buy
Sure beats selling seeds.
I'm using my money to buy
a transistor radio.
I'm using my money to buy
a transistor radio.
Well, we hate to leave,
A transistor radio.
Well, we hate to leave,
but I'm afraid we have to,
Well, we hate to leave,
but I'm afraid we have to,
and I must say, I can't
But I'm afraid we have to,
and I must say, I can't
remember when we've had
And I must say, I can't
remember when we've had
a more delightful visit.
Remember when we've had
a more delightful visit.
Ditto.
A more delightful visit.
Ditto.
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
Ditto.
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
next time to you come,
Oh, grandma and grandpa,
next time to you come,
I hope you act more your age.
Next time to you come,
I hope you act more your age.
You two are so young at heart,
I hope you act more your age.
You two are so young at heart,
I wouldn't be surprised to see
You two are so young at heart,
I wouldn't be surprised to see
you carrying electric guitars.
I wouldn't be surprised to see
you carrying electric guitars.
Yeah, it sure was fun
You carrying electric guitars.
Yeah, it sure was fun
talking about the weather,
Yeah, it sure was fun
talking about the weather,
grandma and grandpa.
Talking about the weather,
grandma and grandpa.
I hope the trees were
Grandma and grandpa.
I hope the trees were
leafy enough for you.
I hope the trees were
leafy enough for you.
You know, mom, many of
Leafy enough for you.
You know, mom, many of
our friends still confuse us
You know, mom, many of
our friends still confuse us
for sisters.
Our friends still confuse us
for sisters.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
For sisters.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Listen, come back soon.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Listen, come back soon.
You two don't visit us
Listen, come back soon.
You two don't visit us
often enough.
You two don't visit us
often enough.
Well, aren't you sweet?
Often enough.
Well, aren't you sweet?
Here's a dollar.
Announcer: "how to talk to
Your grandparents," the record
That makes everyone's life
A little richer.
[Applause]
I can remember... The nurses
Saying something about
"Code pink," and then clearly
I remember one of the doctors
Saying, "he's gone."
I couldn't understand how
They could be so worried when...
I felt so happy to be outside
Of my body, and so peaceful.
It was fabulous.
Everything was bathed in a,
An eerie white light.
Suddenly I found myself in
A huge, white room...
Where I had to take
A number and be seated.
I must have died because
I recognized my body was
Rising up like an elevator.
And I was passing through these
Rounds of light and time and
Space, and all of a sudden,
I came to this area which was
Filled blindingly with light and
Energy and space.
Then I had to take
A number and sit down.
I was flying down this
Corridor with this blue light,
And, um, I ended up in this room
Where I had to reach up
And take a number
And then sit down.
[Eerie music plays...]
[Applause]
[coughing]
Oh!
Oh... Honey, remember when
the doctor warned me about
Oh... Honey, remember when
the doctor warned me about
my lung breaking up?
The doctor warned me about
my lung breaking up?
Well, I think this is it.
My lung breaking up?
Well, I think this is it.
I, I really think I just coughed
Well, I think this is it.
I, I really think I just coughed
up a piece of my lung.
I, I really think I just coughed
up a piece of my lung.
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
Up a piece of my lung.
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
a piece of your liver or, or
Oh, no, dear, I think that's
a piece of your liver or, or
your esophagus, don't you?
A piece of your liver or, or
your esophagus, don't you?
I'm not sure.
Your esophagus, don't you?
I'm not sure.
How often does this happen
I'm not sure.
How often does this happen
to you?
How often does this happen
to you?
You cough or just clear your
To you?
You cough or just clear your
throat and up comes what looks
You cough or just clear your
throat and up comes what looks
like a chunk of lung or some
Throat and up comes what looks
like a chunk of lung or some
other internal organ.
Like a chunk of lung or some
other internal organ.
Or you're cutting food
Other internal organ.
Or you're cutting food
in the kitchen...
Or you're cutting food
in the kitchen...
Oh!
In the kitchen...
Oh!
Oh, honey!
Oh!
Oh, honey!
I really did it this time!
Oh, honey!
I really did it this time!
This isn't just one of those...
I really did it this time!
This isn't just one of those...
Another deep cuts!
This isn't just one of those...
Another deep cuts!
This is serious!
Another deep cuts!
This is serious!
My finger's completely separated
This is serious!
My finger's completely separated
from my hand.
My finger's completely separated
from my hand.
Yeah, whoops!
From my hand.
Yeah, whoops!
Off comes a digit.
Yeah, whoops!
Off comes a digit.
You're not even sure whether
Off comes a digit.
You're not even sure whether
it's worth keeping, but just
You're not even sure whether
it's worth keeping, but just
in case, you wrap it in a
It's worth keeping, but just
in case, you wrap it in a
handkerchief, a kleenex or any
In case, you wrap it in a
handkerchief, a kleenex or any
other handy piece of fabric.
Handkerchief, a kleenex or any
other handy piece of fabric.
But by the time you arrive at
Other handy piece of fabric.
But by the time you arrive at
the hospital, the specimen is
But by the time you arrive at
the hospital, the specimen is
all dried up, fuzzy with fibers
The hospital, the specimen is
all dried up, fuzzy with fibers
and usually no good to anyone.
All dried up, fuzzy with fibers
and usually no good to anyone.
But not with zonell's new
And usually no good to anyone.
But not with zonell's new
speci-paks, the revolutionary
But not with zonell's new
speci-paks, the revolutionary
new way to store temporarily
Speci-paks, the revolutionary
new way to store temporarily
separated body fragments in an
New way to store temporarily
separated body fragments in an
easy one-step method.
Separated body fragments in an
easy one-step method.
Speci-paks are designed with an
Easy one-step method.
Speci-paks are designed with an
airtight seal and a water-tight
Speci-paks are designed with an
airtight seal and a water-tight
compartment for normal or
Airtight seal and a water-tight
compartment for normal or
dry ice storage.
Compartment for normal or
dry ice storage.
Just put the ice in, lay
Dry ice storage.
Just put the ice in, lay
the fragment or digit on the
Just put the ice in, lay
the fragment or digit on the
sterilized crelon pad and
The fragment or digit on the
sterilized crelon pad and
snap speci-pak closed.
Sterilized crelon pad and
snap speci-pak closed.
You'll be off to the hospital
Snap speci-pak closed.
You'll be off to the hospital
faster than you can say, "oh,
You'll be off to the hospital
faster than you can say, "oh,
my god," and satisfied knowing
Faster than you can say, "oh,
my god," and satisfied knowing
that part of your body is
My god," and satisfied knowing
that part of your body is
safe and secure.
That part of your body is
safe and secure.
So why delay?
Safe and secure.
So why delay?
Buy one today: they're available
So why delay?
Buy one today: they're available
in digit or limb size.
Buy one today: they're available
in digit or limb size.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
In digit or limb size.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
the finger.
Ok, honey, uh, we've got
the finger.
And I've got the lung.
The finger.
And I've got the lung.
You mean, the esophagus.
And I've got the lung.
You mean, the esophagus.
All right, the esophagus.
You mean, the esophagus.
All right, the esophagus.
Either way, I'm sure glad
All right, the esophagus.
Either way, I'm sure glad
we had the speci-pak.
Either way, I'm sure glad
we had the speci-pak.
[Applause]
Muffy... Remember when I told
you I had a very important
question I wanted to ask you
You I had a very important
question I wanted to ask you
tonight, the most important
Question I wanted to ask you
tonight, the most important
question I've ever asked anyone?
Tonight, the most important
question I've ever asked anyone?
Do you know what I was
Question I've ever asked anyone?
Do you know what I was
talking about?
Do you know what I was
talking about?
Well, i, I think I do.
Talking about?
Well, i, I think I do.
Are you glad?
Well, i, I think I do.
Are you glad?
Yes, are you glad?
Are you glad?
Yes, are you glad?
Yes, but I'm a little
Yes, are you glad?
Yes, but I'm a little
nervous... And since I thought
Yes, but I'm a little
nervous... And since I thought
it was the most important
Nervous... And since I thought
it was the most important
question i, I've ever asked or
It was the most important
question i, I've ever asked or
I probably ever will ask...
Question i, I've ever asked or
I probably ever will ask...
I didn't want to ask it
I probably ever will ask...
I didn't want to ask it
without my lawyer present.
I didn't want to ask it
without my lawyer present.
[Doorbell rings]
Without my lawyer present.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, that, that must be him.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, that, that must be him.
I told him to come.
Oh, that, that must be him.
I told him to come.
I'll get it, kitten.
I told him to come.
I'll get it, kitten.
Stay right here.
I'll get it, kitten.
Stay right here.
Hi.
Stay right here.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoa, who are you?
Hi.
Whoa, who are you?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Whoa, who are you?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
That's, that's my lawyer.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
That's, that's my lawyer.
You see, when you told me, uh,
That's, that's my lawyer.
You see, when you told me, uh,
that it was the most important
You see, when you told me, uh,
that it was the most important
question that you'd ever want
That it was the most important
question that you'd ever want
to ask, I knew that it would be
Question that you'd ever want
to ask, I knew that it would be
the most important... Question
To ask, I knew that it would be
the most important... Question
I'd ever have to answer.
The most important... Question
I'd ever have to answer.
And, uh, I figured I should have
I'd ever have to answer.
And, uh, I figured I should have
my lawyer present.
And, uh, I figured I should have
my lawyer present.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
My lawyer present.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
my fiancé, hampton jitney.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
my fiancé, hampton jitney.
My attorney, ed rosen.
My fiancé, hampton jitney.
My attorney, ed rosen.
[All greeting]
My attorney, ed rosen.
[All greeting]
hi, everybody.
[All greeting]
hi, everybody.
Who's that?
Hi, everybody.
Who's that?
Oh, uh, well,
Who's that?
Oh, uh, well,
this is my lawyer.
Oh, uh, well,
this is my lawyer.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
This is my lawyer.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
muffy barber.
Uh, stan brewster, my fianceé
muffy barber.
How do you do?
Muffy barber.
How do you do?
And, uh, her lawyer...
How do you do?
And, uh, her lawyer...
Ed rosen, we've met.
And, uh, her lawyer...
Ed rosen, we've met.
Yes, indeed.
Ed rosen, we've met.
Yes, indeed.
Ok, well, sit down.
Yes, indeed.
Ok, well, sit down.
Who'd like a drink?
Ok, well, sit down.
Who'd like a drink?
No, nothing for me, no.
Who'd like a drink?
No, nothing for me, no.
This is, uh, this is quite
No, nothing for me, no.
This is, uh, this is quite
a nice change for us.
This is, uh, this is quite
a nice change for us.
Yes, we usually meet in
A nice change for us.
Yes, we usually meet in
divorce court.
Yes, we usually meet in
divorce court.
That's correct, but I don't
Divorce court.
That's correct, but I don't
think it's gonna be that much
That's correct, but I don't
think it's gonna be that much
trouble today.
Think it's gonna be that much
trouble today.
Hampton just wants me to kind of
Trouble today.
Hampton just wants me to kind of
set a few guidelines and,
Hampton just wants me to kind of
set a few guidelines and,
basically, what he wants me
Set a few guidelines and,
basically, what he wants me
to convey is that nothing more
Basically, what he wants me
to convey is that nothing more
complicated than the house,
To convey is that nothing more
complicated than the house,
the car, the business and
Complicated than the house,
the car, the business and
the investments will be outside.
The car, the business and
the investments will be outside.
Outside?
The investments will be outside.
Outside?
Yes, outside the marriage.
Outside?
Yes, outside the marriage.
I don't want money to ever
Yes, outside the marriage.
I don't want money to ever
come between us.
I don't want money to ever
come between us.
Everybody we know is always
Come between us.
Everybody we know is always
fighting and it's always
Everybody we know is always
fighting and it's always
about money.
Fighting and it's always
about money.
Anything that you ever want,
About money.
Anything that you ever want,
I will give to you if
Anything that you ever want,
I will give to you if
it's within my power.
I will give to you if
it's within my power.
You'll never want and
It's within my power.
You'll never want and
you'll never go hungry.
You'll never want and
you'll never go hungry.
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
You'll never go hungry.
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
But i, uh, I do think
Oh, cupcake, that's so sweet.
But i, uh, I do think
we should have some kind of
But i, uh, I do think
we should have some kind of
commitment to say that we care
We should have some kind of
commitment to say that we care
about each other.
Commitment to say that we care
about each other.
Uh, by caring, we mean
About each other.
Uh, by caring, we mean
an equal property agreement
Uh, by caring, we mean
an equal property agreement
which would include the cars,
An equal property agreement
which would include the cars,
house and business.
Which would include the cars,
house and business.
Uh, our definition of caring
House and business.
Uh, our definition of caring
would also include a compulsory
Uh, our definition of caring
would also include a compulsory
financial commitment in the
Would also include a compulsory
financial commitment in the
order of shared life insurance,
Financial commitment in the
order of shared life insurance,
a joint tenancy in all real
Order of shared life insurance,
a joint tenancy in all real
estate, stocks and jewelry,
A joint tenancy in all real
estate, stocks and jewelry,
to be divided equally upon
Estate, stocks and jewelry,
to be divided equally upon
the dissolution of
To be divided equally upon
the dissolution of
the relationship.
The dissolution of
the relationship.
Just in case you die, honey.
The relationship.
Just in case you die, honey.
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
Just in case you die, honey.
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
I'm just not sure about
But, sweet stuff, i, i...
I'm just not sure about
this equal property division.
I'm just not sure about
this equal property division.
You know... What if you have
This equal property division.
You know... What if you have
a stroke and we're supposed
You know... What if you have
a stroke and we're supposed
to sign everything jointly
A stroke and we're supposed
to sign everything jointly
and I need to cash in, say,
To sign everything jointly
and I need to cash in, say,
the life insurance to pay for
And I need to cash in, say,
the life insurance to pay for
your medical supplies?
The life insurance to pay for
your medical supplies?
I'm taking care of you,
Your medical supplies?
I'm taking care of you,
I'm mopping your forehead and
I'm taking care of you,
I'm mopping your forehead and
changing your bedpan and making
I'm mopping your forehead and
changing your bedpan and making
sure you're comfortable and
Changing your bedpan and making
sure you're comfortable and
everything and you've lost
Sure you're comfortable and
everything and you've lost
all the motor power on
Everything and you've lost
all the motor power on
your right side.
All the motor power on
your right side.
You can't even wave yes or no,
Your right side.
You can't even wave yes or no,
let alone sign anything, right?
You can't even wave yes or no,
let alone sign anything, right?
I don't think that's
Let alone sign anything, right?
I don't think that's
a relevant point.
I don't think that's
a relevant point.
If anything like that ever
A relevant point.
If anything like that ever
happens, of course, there'll be
If anything like that ever
happens, of course, there'll be
love and concern.
Happens, of course, there'll be
love and concern.
We certainly don't have
Love and concern.
We certainly don't have
to worry about that.
We certainly don't have
to worry about that.
What we're talking about is
To worry about that.
What we're talking about is
a partnership here and where
What we're talking about is
a partnership here and where
to base that partnership.
A partnership here and where
to base that partnership.
Uh, if you have a brain in your
To base that partnership.
Uh, if you have a brain in your
head, you'll do it, bianca, and
Uh, if you have a brain in your
head, you'll do it, bianca, and
demand the permanent domicile
Head, you'll do it, bianca, and
demand the permanent domicile
in california.
Demand the permanent domicile
in california.
Tootsie roll, can we get
In california.
Tootsie roll, can we get
married and live in california
Tootsie roll, can we get
married and live in california
forever and ever?
Married and live in california
forever and ever?
[Chuckles nervously]
Forever and ever?
[Chuckles nervously]
temporary residence not to
[Chuckles nervously]
temporary residence not to
exceed 90 days or else you can
Temporary residence not to
exceed 90 days or else you can
kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Exceed 90 days or else you can
kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Well, you know, honey, I like
Kiss the family jewels good-bye.
Well, you know, honey, I like
california, but I'm gonna need
Well, you know, honey, I like
california, but I'm gonna need
to get back to new york and
California, but I'm gonna need
to get back to new york and
recharge my batteries.
To get back to new york and
recharge my batteries.
You know, I'm gonna need that
Recharge my batteries.
You know, I'm gonna need that
every couple months.
You know, I'm gonna need that
every couple months.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
Every couple months.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
but separate domiciles.
Ok, ok... Joint tenancy
but separate domiciles.
Hey, look, I don't
But separate domiciles.
Hey, look, I don't
understand why we're having
Hey, look, I don't
understand why we're having
this whole discussion.
Understand why we're having
this whole discussion.
I mean, my understanding of
This whole discussion.
I mean, my understanding of
what we were doing here is it's
I mean, my understanding of
what we were doing here is it's
a simple prenuptial agreement.
What we were doing here is it's
a simple prenuptial agreement.
There's nothing complicated
A simple prenuptial agreement.
There's nothing complicated
about it.
There's nothing complicated
about it.
It's a fairly standard form,
About it.
It's a fairly standard form,
as a matter of fact.
It's a fairly standard form,
as a matter of fact.
My colleague here helped to
As a matter of fact.
My colleague here helped to
write it in the first place.
My colleague here helped to
write it in the first place.
Well, there's no way that
Write it in the first place.
Well, there's no way that
my client is going to sign
Well, there's no way that
my client is going to sign
this thing without
My client is going to sign
this thing without
substantial amendments.
This thing without
substantial amendments.
Honey, how could you
Substantial amendments.
Honey, how could you
possibly do this to me?
Honey, how could you
possibly do this to me?
I would think that if you
Possibly do this to me?
I would think that if you
loved me, you would never want
I would think that if you
loved me, you would never want
to embarrass me in front
Loved me, you would never want
to embarrass me in front
of my attorney.
To embarrass me in front
of my attorney.
This is the same thing we
Of my attorney.
This is the same thing we
were talking about last night,
This is the same thing we
were talking about last night,
hampton... Your constant harping
Were talking about last night,
hampton... Your constant harping
on how I'm after your money.
Hampton... Your constant harping
on how I'm after your money.
We can't work this way.
On how I'm after your money.
We can't work this way.
Love wumps, I'm not doing
We can't work this way.
Love wumps, I'm not doing
anything that someone, anyone
Love wumps, I'm not doing
anything that someone, anyone
else in my position wouldn't do.
Anything that someone, anyone
else in my position wouldn't do.
I mean, marriage is
Else in my position wouldn't do.
I mean, marriage is
different nowadays.
I mean, marriage is
different nowadays.
It's gotta be a direct,
Different nowadays.
It's gotta be a direct,
honest relationship,
It's gotta be a direct,
honest relationship,
a direct agreement.
Honest relationship,
a direct agreement.
It's an agreement, it's a...
A direct agreement.
It's an agreement, it's a...
It's a contract.
It's an agreement, it's a...
It's a contract.
It's a contract, it's,
It's a contract.
It's a contract, it's,
it's notarized, it's, um...
It's a contract, it's,
it's notarized, it's, um...
It's binding.
It's notarized, it's, um...
It's binding.
It's binding,
It's binding.
It's binding,
it's a binding,
It's binding,
it's a binding,
notarized contract!
It's a binding,
notarized contract!
But it's love!
Notarized contract!
But it's love!
Yes! She's absolutely right,
But it's love!
Yes! She's absolutely right,
and that's why
Yes! She's absolutely right,
and that's why
we're not signing.
And that's why
we're not signing.
This contract is sexist.
We're not signing.
This contract is sexist.
It's one-sided, it's not
This contract is sexist.
It's one-sided, it's not
representative of my client.
It's one-sided, it's not
representative of my client.
This isn't love,
Representative of my client.
This isn't love,
it's not protective.
This isn't love,
it's not protective.
You don't know the meaning
It's not protective.
You don't know the meaning
of love.
You don't know the meaning
of love.
Well, it's our final offer.
Of love.
Well, it's our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
Well, it's our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
Forget it, we can do
Take it or leave it.
Forget it, we can do
better than this.
Forget it, we can do
better than this.
So can we! We don't need you!
Better than this.
So can we! We don't need you!
Muffy, we're not
So can we! We don't need you!
Muffy, we're not
staying here for this.
Muffy, we're not
staying here for this.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
Staying here for this.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
my wuvvy.
Oh, well, I'm so confused,
my wuvvy.
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
My wuvvy.
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
get married right now
I mean, perhaps we shouldn't
get married right now
if we're not sure how we feel
Get married right now
if we're not sure how we feel
about each other.
If we're not sure how we feel
about each other.
Oh, gee, I wish
About each other.
Oh, gee, I wish
I knew for both of us,
Oh, gee, I wish
I knew for both of us,
my little famous amos.
I knew for both of us,
my little famous amos.
[Doorbell rings]
My little famous amos.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it, excuse me.
[Doorbell rings]
I'll get it, excuse me.
Hampton, darling, I've
I'll get it, excuse me.
Hampton, darling, I've
reconsidered and talked it over
Hampton, darling, I've
reconsidered and talked it over
with my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
Reconsidered and talked it over
with my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
here, and I'm ready to sign.
With my lawyer, mr. Calhoun
here, and I'm ready to sign.
That's right, we'll accept
Here, and I'm ready to sign.
That's right, we'll accept
with no clauses.
That's right, we'll accept
with no clauses.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
With no clauses.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
to commit.
Oh, loretta, you're ready
to commit.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
To commit.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
I stuck with you all the way.
Sweetheart... And you, muffy,
I stuck with you all the way.
But when push came to shove,
I stuck with you all the way.
But when push came to shove,
you shoved.
But when push came to shove,
you shoved.
You turned on me.
You shoved.
You turned on me.
Well, I don't ever want
You turned on me.
Well, I don't ever want
to see you or your lawyer again
Well, I don't ever want
to see you or your lawyer again
in my house.
To see you or your lawyer again
in my house.
What do you mean, your house?
In my house.
What do you mean, your house?
Does the word "palimony"
What do you mean, your house?
Does the word "palimony"
mean anything to you?
Does the word "palimony"
mean anything to you?
I'm gonna slap a lien on
Mean anything to you?
I'm gonna slap a lien on
this house, you won't believe!
I'm gonna slap a lien on
this house, you won't believe!
I don't know, marty, maybe I
This house, you won't believe!
I don't know, marty, maybe I
wasn't ready for a relationship
I don't know, marty, maybe I
wasn't ready for a relationship
that heavy.
Wasn't ready for a relationship
that heavy.
Don't give up, kid.
That heavy.
Don't give up, kid.
We're in a stronger position now
Don't give up, kid.
We're in a stronger position now
than when we walked in.
We're in a stronger position now
than when we walked in.
We're gonna make him pay.
Than when we walked in.
We're gonna make him pay.
Technically, you lived under the
We're gonna make him pay.
Technically, you lived under the
same roof, all those vacations
Technically, you lived under the
same roof, all those vacations
together, those three weeks in
Same roof, all those vacations
together, those three weeks in
the bahamas... Baden-baden,
Together, those three weeks in
the bahamas... Baden-baden,
whatever it was.
The bahamas... Baden-baden,
whatever it was.
You know, my pen's
Whatever it was.
You know, my pen's
out of ink.
You know, my pen's
out of ink.
Can I use yours?
Out of ink.
Can I use yours?
Oh, honey, use mine.
Can I use yours?
Oh, honey, use mine.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Oh, honey, use mine.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
Oh, thank you, darling.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
is the name.
Algonquin j. Calhoun
is the name.
How do you do?
Is the name.
How do you do?
All right.
How do you do?
All right.
[Applause]
All right.
[Applause]
[♪...]
Once again, tom petty
and the heartbreakers.
["Don't do me like that" plays]
And the heartbreakers.
["Don't do me like that" plays]
[♪...]
♪ I was talkin' with
a friend of mine ♪
♪ said a woman had
A friend of mine ♪
♪ said a woman had
hurt his pride ♪
♪ Said a woman had
hurt his pride ♪
♪ she told him that she loved
Hurt his pride ♪
♪ she told him that she loved
him so, then turned around
♪ She told him that she loved
him so, then turned around
and let him go ♪
Him so, then turned around
and let him go ♪
♪ then he said, "you'd better
And let him go ♪
♪ then he said, "you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ Then he said, "you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size" ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size" ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size" ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ What if I love you, baby? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might need you,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might need you,
baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ Someday I might need you,
baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
Baby, don't do me like that ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
♪ Listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
If you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
Givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ And you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby,
don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby,
don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ what if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ What if I need you, honey? ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ 'cause somewhere
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ 'cause somewhere
deep down inside,
♪ 'Cause somewhere
deep down inside,
someone is sayin' ♪
Deep down inside,
someone is sayin' ♪
♪ "love doesn't
Someone is sayin' ♪
♪ "love doesn't
last that long" ♪
♪ "Love doesn't
last that long" ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
Last that long" ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
night and day ♪
♪ I've had this feeling inside
night and day ♪
♪ and now I can't
Night and day ♪
♪ and now I can't
take it no more ♪
♪ And now I can't
take it no more ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
Take it no more ♪
♪ listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
♪ Listen, honey, can you see? ♪
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
♪ Baby, you would bury me
if you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
If you were in a public eye,
givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
Givin' someone else a try ♪
♪ and you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
♪ And you know you'd better
watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
Watch your step or you're gonna
get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
Get hurt yourself ♪
♪ someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ Someone's gonna tell you lies,
cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Cut you down to size ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might want you,
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ someday I might want you,
honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ Someday I might want you,
honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
Honey, don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Honey, i, i... Don't ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ don't do me like that ♪
♪ one day, I might
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
♪ one day, I might
want you, babe ♪
♪ One day, I might
want you, babe ♪
♪ yeah, don't do me like that. ♪
Want you, babe ♪
♪ yeah, don't do me like that. ♪
[♪...]
[Music ends,
cheers and applause]
Ok, ok, there's a man
getting out of a parked car on
the right up ahead.
Getting out of a parked car on
the right up ahead.
The door's still open.
The right up ahead.
The door's still open.
Move to the left!
The door's still open.
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Move to the left!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Move to the left!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Oh, you just missed him!
Ok, ok, I see it!
Oh, you just missed him!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
Oh, you just missed him!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
There's a car on your left!
Oh, daddy, daddy!
There's a car on your left!
You're going into his lane!
There's a car on your left!
You're going into his lane!
There's a, there's a boy
You're going into his lane!
There's a, there's a boy
on a bike, on the right side!
There's a, there's a boy
on a bike, on the right side!
See the reflectors?!
On a bike, on the right side!
See the reflectors?!
I see it!
See the reflectors?!
I see it!
Honey, slow down!
I see it!
Honey, slow down!
I missed him, didn't i?!
Honey, slow down!
I missed him, didn't i?!
No, daddy,
I missed him, didn't i?!
No, daddy,
you knocked him over!
No, daddy,
you knocked him over!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You knocked him over!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You know I can't slow down!
Oh, honey, slow down!
You know I can't slow down!
Daddy's gotta go
You know I can't slow down!
Daddy's gotta go
to the bathroom!
Daddy's gotta go
to the bathroom!
Well, can't we stop
To the bathroom!
Well, can't we stop
at a gas station?
Well, can't we stop
at a gas station?
No, no, no, no, no!
At a gas station?
No, no, no, no, no!
Daddy can only go at home,
No, no, no, no, no!
Daddy can only go at home,
you know that!
Daddy can only go at home,
you know that!
Look out, a rabbit!
You know that!
Look out, a rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Look out, a rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Oh, no, daddy!
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Stop crying and help
Oh, no, daddy k*lled the rabbit!
Stop crying and help
daddy look, honey!
Stop crying and help
daddy look, honey!
Oh, no!
Daddy look, honey!
Oh, no!
The lights turning yellow!
Oh, no!
The lights turning yellow!
Slow down, honey!
The lights turning yellow!
Slow down, honey!
I can make it!
Slow down, honey!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning red!
I can make it!
It's turning... It turned!
I can make it!
It's turning... It turned!
It's red!
It's turning... It turned!
It's red!
Honk the horn!
It's red!
Honk the horn!
[All screaming]
Honk the horn!
[All screaming]
oh, boy, I shouldn't have
[All screaming]
oh, boy, I shouldn't have
had that big meal so early in
Oh, boy, I shouldn't have
had that big meal so early in
the day!
Had that big meal so early in
the day!
I knew I couldn't hold
The day!
I knew I couldn't hold
all day!
I knew I couldn't hold
all day!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
All day!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
I think I missed it!
Daddy, daddy, a dog! [Thud]
I think I missed it!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
I think I missed it!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
Oh, just go in the car!
No, you... Oh, honey, stop!
Oh, just go in the car!
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, just go in the car!
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
Only half a mile to go!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
those men in the crosswalk!
Oh, daddy, watch out for
those men in the crosswalk!
Ok, I see them!
Those men in the crosswalk!
Ok, I see them!
[Screaming]
Ok, I see them!
[Screaming]
oh, stop it!
[Screaming]
oh, stop it!
Give me the wheel, please!
Oh, stop it!
Give me the wheel, please!
[All screaming]
[Tires skidding, crashing]
father: ok, we're home!
[Cheers and applause]
Father: ok, we're home!
[Cheers and applause]
[♪...]
Well, once again, i, I think
we've proved what I tried to
point out at the beginning of
We've proved what I tried to
point out at the beginning of
the show, that there's a factor
Point out at the beginning of
the show, that there's a factor
of heart in show business
The show, that there's a factor
of heart in show business
and that it's not always
Of heart in show business
and that it's not always
what you expect.
And that it's not always
what you expect.
You know, there are a lot of
What you expect.
You know, there are a lot of
stories that they tell in
You know, there are a lot of
stories that they tell in
this fabulous business called
Stories that they tell in
this fabulous business called
theater/television/film,
This fabulous business called
theater/television/film,
this incredible world where
Theater/television/film,
this incredible world where
people get together and really
This incredible world where
people get together and really
try to help each other and
People get together and really
try to help each other and
try to find a way...
Try to help each other and
try to find a way...
[Heckling]
Try to find a way...
[Heckling]
to perform together in order
[Heckling]
to perform together in order
so that you, the audience,
To perform together in order
so that you, the audience,
can be fully entertained...
So that you, the audience,
can be fully entertained...
Lighten up, will you, buck?
Can be fully entertained...
Lighten up, will you, buck?
And can have a sense of
Lighten up, will you, buck?
And can have a sense of
the heart that goes into
And can have a sense of
the heart that goes into
all of our endeavors.
The heart that goes into
all of our endeavors.
Get off the stage,
All of our endeavors.
Get off the stage,
buck, come on.
Get off the stage,
buck, come on.
Get out of here!
Buck, come on.
Get out of here!
Go on, get him out, get him out!
Get out of here!
Go on, get him out, get him out!
[♪..., Applause]
[♪...]
Announcer: next saturday
night, our host will be
bea arthur with musical guests,
Night, our host will be
bea arthur with musical guests,
the roaches!
Bea arthur with musical guests,
the roaches!
This wednesday, watch nbc's
The roaches!
This wednesday, watch nbc's
"best of saturday night live"
This wednesday, watch nbc's
"best of saturday night live"
for 90 minutes, starting at
"Best of saturday night live"
for 90 minutes, starting at
9:30, 8:30 mountain and central.
For 90 minutes, starting at
9:30, 8:30 mountain and central.
This has been don pardo...
9:30, 8:30 Mountain and central.
This has been don pardo...
[♪...]
[♪...]