Announcer: "grizzly adams
sets fire to his head" will not
be seen this week so that nbc
Sets fire to his head" will not
be seen this week so that nbc
may present the following
Be seen this week so that nbc
may present the following
special program.
May present the following
special program.
[Whistle blows]
Special program.
[Whistle blows]
okay, everybody, let's roll
[Whistle blows]
okay, everybody, let's roll
'em up, move 'em in, rehearse.
Okay, everybody, let's roll
'em up, move 'em in, rehearse.
The show's getting ready to...
'Em up, move 'em in, rehearse.
The show's getting ready to...
Wait a minute, where's belushi?
The show's getting ready to...
Wait a minute, where's belushi?
[All groaning]
Wait a minute, where's belushi?
[All groaning]
he's not here.
[All groaning]
he's not here.
Okay, okay, okay.
He's not here.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait a minute.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Now, let me tell you something.
What are you doing?
Now, let me tell you something.
Belushi's absence, all of this
Now, let me tell you something.
Belushi's absence, all of this
mish-mash here, this reflects an
Belushi's absence, all of this
mish-mash here, this reflects an
attitude that I have noticed all
Mish-mash here, this reflects an
attitude that I have noticed all
week, and that is lack of pep.
Attitude that I have noticed all
week, and that is lack of pep.
Now, I wasn't gonna tell you
Week, and that is lack of pep.
Now, I wasn't gonna tell you
guys this, because the network
Now, I wasn't gonna tell you
guys this, because the network
asked me to host the show only
Guys this, because the network
asked me to host the show only
because I could pump some pep
Asked me to host the show only
because I could pump some pep
into the show.
Because I could pump some pep
into the show.
Now, it is very, very difficult
Into the show.
Now, it is very, very difficult
to pump pep into the show when
Now, it is very, very difficult
to pump pep into the show when
the peppers are not
To pump pep into the show when
the peppers are not
participating, okay?
The peppers are not
participating, okay?
Now, you all have not been
Participating, okay?
Now, you all have not been
participating peppily.
Now, you all have not been
participating peppily.
Pep? What do you mean, pep?
Participating peppily.
Pep? What do you mean, pep?
I mean pumped, enthusiasm,
Pep? What do you mean, pep?
I mean pumped, enthusiasm,
energy, verve, pizzazz, you
I mean pumped, enthusiasm,
energy, verve, pizzazz, you
know.
Energy, verve, pizzazz, you
know.
I just use "pep" as a catchall
Know.
I just use "pep" as a catchall
phrase.
I just use "pep" as a catchall
phrase.
Let's be brutally honest.
Phrase.
Let's be brutally honest.
I want each and every one of you
Let's be brutally honest.
I want each and every one of you
to look at me right in the eye.
I want each and every one of you
to look at me right in the eye.
Bill, look in the eye.
To look at me right in the eye.
Bill, look in the eye.
Can you all look at me and say
Bill, look in the eye.
Can you all look at me and say
"yes, mary kay, yes, I have been
Can you all look at me and say
"yes, mary kay, yes, I have been
as peppy as possible this week,"
"Yes, mary kay, yes, I have been
as peppy as possible this week,"
hmm?
As peppy as possible this week,"
hmm?
I, for one, can't.
Hmm?
I, for one, can't.
I'm sorry.
I, for one, can't.
I'm sorry.
Well, I tried.
I'm sorry.
Well, I tried.
I've had a lot of personal
Well, I tried.
I've had a lot of personal
problems, mary kay.
I've had a lot of personal
problems, mary kay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Problems, mary kay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Here's belushi.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Here's belushi.
Thanks for showing up.
Here's belushi.
Thanks for showing up.
John, where have you been,
Thanks for showing up.
John, where have you been,
and where has your pep been?
John, where have you been,
and where has your pep been?
Pep?
And where has your pep been?
Pep?
Mm-hmm.
Pep?
Mm-hmm.
Did you say pep?
Mm-hmm.
Did you say pep?
Yeah, I said pep.
Did you say pep?
Yeah, I said pep.
That's right, john.
Yeah, I said pep.
That's right, john.
She said pep.
That's right, john.
She said pep.
That's what I thought she
She said pep.
That's what I thought she
said... Pep.
That's what I thought she
said... Pep.
Why should I have pep? Why?
Said... Pep.
Why should I have pep? Why?
I'm forced to wear this
Why should I have pep? Why?
I'm forced to wear this
cheerleader outfit.
I'm forced to wear this
cheerleader outfit.
It's a stupid outfit.
Cheerleader outfit.
It's a stupid outfit.
I hate this whole cheerleader
It's a stupid outfit.
I hate this whole cheerleader
metaphor.
I hate this whole cheerleader
metaphor.
Oh.
Metaphor.
Oh.
Who thought of this idea,
Oh.
Who thought of this idea,
anyway... Danny?
Who thought of this idea,
anyway... Danny?
It was my idea.
Anyway... Danny?
It was my idea.
But the network made me do it.
It was my idea.
But the network made me do it.
I think it was a good idea.
But the network made me do it.
I think it was a good idea.
There really isn't enough pep
I think it was a good idea.
There really isn't enough pep
around here, john, and you're
There really isn't enough pep
around here, john, and you're
the number-one offender.
Around here, john, and you're
the number-one offender.
You've been a disciplinary
The number-one offender.
You've been a disciplinary
problem since the show began.
You've been a disciplinary
problem since the show began.
Well, I think you're both
Problem since the show began.
Well, I think you're both
fascists.
Well, I think you're both
fascists.
There is nothing fascist
Fascists.
There is nothing fascist
about pep!
There is nothing fascist
about pep!
I mean, you can go to any
About pep!
I mean, you can go to any
fascist country and there's
I mean, you can go to any
fascist country and there's
hardly any pep there at all!
Fascist country and there's
hardly any pep there at all!
Yeah.
Hardly any pep there at all!
Yeah.
Look, I just think this whole
Yeah.
Look, I just think this whole
pep thing is really stupid and
Look, I just think this whole
pep thing is really stupid and
lame, that's all, okay?
Pep thing is really stupid and
lame, that's all, okay?
Okay. Okay, fine.
Lame, that's all, okay?
Okay. Okay, fine.
If that's the way you feel, I
Okay. Okay, fine.
If that's the way you feel, I
was just trying to do what the
If that's the way you feel, I
was just trying to do what the
network asked me to do.
Was just trying to do what the
network asked me to do.
I was just trying to pep things
Network asked me to do.
I was just trying to pep things
up.
I was just trying to pep things
up.
I don't know, maybe for this
Up.
I don't know, maybe for this
show, lack of pep is best.
I don't know, maybe for this
show, lack of pep is best.
I'm sorry.
Show, lack of pep is best.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to do a good job.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to do a good job.
Now you've done it, man.
I just wanted to do a good job.
Now you've done it, man.
You made the host cry!
Now you've done it, man.
You made the host cry!
Gee, I'm sorry, mary kay,
You made the host cry!
Gee, I'm sorry, mary kay,
really.
Gee, I'm sorry, mary kay,
really.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
Really.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
You all right, honey?
I'm sorry I made you cry.
You all right, honey?
Yeah, I guess so.
You all right, honey?
Yeah, I guess so.
I'll tell you, mary kay.
Yeah, I guess so.
I'll tell you, mary kay.
Maybe you're right about pep.
I'll tell you, mary kay.
Maybe you're right about pep.
Maybe I haven't given pep enough
Maybe you're right about pep.
Maybe I haven't given pep enough
thought these past 15 years or
Maybe I haven't given pep enough
thought these past 15 years or
so.
Thought these past 15 years or
so.
You know, maybe if everybody had
So.
You know, maybe if everybody had
a little more pep, there would
You know, maybe if everybody had
a little more pep, there would
be less suffering in the world,
A little more pep, there would
be less suffering in the world,
don't you think?
Be less suffering in the world,
don't you think?
Maybe, yeah.
Don't you think?
Maybe, yeah.
So what do you say, let's
Maybe, yeah.
So what do you say, let's
make this the peppiest show
So what do you say, let's
make this the peppiest show
ever?
Make this the peppiest show
ever?
What do you say, g*ng?!
Ever?
What do you say, g*ng?!
All right! Let's do it!
What do you say, g*ng?!
All right! Let's do it!
What do you say, mary kay?
All right! Let's do it!
What do you say, mary kay?
I say let's start the show.
What do you say, mary kay?
I say let's start the show.
[Blows whistle]
I say let's start the show.
[Blows whistle]
[all cheering]
[Blows whistle]
[all cheering]
[marching band plays]
[Whistle blows]
john!
Jane!
John!
Jane!
Bill!
Jane!
Bill!
Garrett!
Bill!
Garrett!
Danny!
Garrett!
Danny!
Gilda!
Danny!
Gilda!
Laraine!
Gilda!
Laraine!
Okay!
Laraine!
Okay!
Jump to the left, jump to the
Okay!
Jump to the left, jump to the
right...
Jump to the left, jump to the
right...
All: live from new york, it's
Right...
All: live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
All: live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
[Cheers and applause]
"Saturday night"!
[Cheers and applause]
[band plays]
[Cheers and applause]
[band plays]
announcer: it's "saturday
[Band plays]
announcer: it's "saturday
night live"...
Announcer: it's "saturday
night live"...
Starring...
With her special guest...
Ladies and gentlemen,
mary kay place!
Whoo!
Not as young as I used to be
with those c-jumps.
Not as young as I used to be
with those c-jumps.
You know, a lot of things have
With those c-jumps.
You know, a lot of things have
happened to me this week in
You know, a lot of things have
happened to me this week in
new york.
Happened to me this week in
new york.
It's been kind of a crazy,
New york.
It's been kind of a crazy,
madcap, wacky kind of week for
It's been kind of a crazy,
madcap, wacky kind of week for
me.
Madcap, wacky kind of week for
me.
A lot of new experiences, a lot
Me.
A lot of new experiences, a lot
of new feelings, and some that I
A lot of new experiences, a lot
of new feelings, and some that I
thought I wanted to record and
Of new feelings, and some that I
thought I wanted to record and
write down.
Thought I wanted to record and
write down.
Kind of like keeping a diary
Write down.
Kind of like keeping a diary
again, and it's something that I
Kind of like keeping a diary
again, and it's something that I
really haven't felt the need to
Again, and it's something that I
really haven't felt the need to
do since junior high school.
Really haven't felt the need to
do since junior high school.
And I guess adolescence and live
Do since junior high school.
And I guess adolescence and live
television have a lot in common
And I guess adolescence and live
television have a lot in common
there, because they're both
Television have a lot in common
there, because they're both
potentially very embarrassing.
There, because they're both
potentially very embarrassing.
The last entry in my diary
Potentially very embarrassing.
The last entry in my diary
before this week was february
The last entry in my diary
before this week was february
1961.
Before this week was february
1961.
Now, this is the actual diary
1961.
Now, this is the actual diary
that I kept in 8th grade.
Now, this is the actual diary
that I kept in 8th grade.
Nightly notes on my daily
That I kept in 8th grade.
Nightly notes on my daily
doings.
Nightly notes on my daily
doings.
I will now read from the
Doings.
I will now read from the
8th-grade diary.
I will now read from the
8th-grade diary.
If I can only find the place.
8Th-grade diary.
If I can only find the place.
Here we go.
If I can only find the place.
Here we go.
"Dear diary, made an
Here we go.
"Dear diary, made an
extra-credit poster in english
"Dear diary, made an
extra-credit poster in english
on commas.
Extra-credit poster in english
on commas.
[Laughter]
On commas.
[Laughter]
guess what?
[Laughter]
guess what?
Girls' leader course going to
Guess what?
Girls' leader course going to
have a sock hop.
Girls' leader course going to
have a sock hop.
Neato, eh?
Have a sock hop.
Neato, eh?
Naturally, I'd love to ask rob,
Neato, eh?
Naturally, I'd love to ask rob,
but he probably wouldn't go with
Naturally, I'd love to ask rob,
but he probably wouldn't go with
me.
But he probably wouldn't go with
me.
Oh, he's so cute.
Me.
Oh, he's so cute.
I can't believe they create them
Oh, he's so cute.
I can't believe they create them
like that.
I can't believe they create them
like that.
[Laughter]
Like that.
[Laughter]
went shopping and finally got a
[Laughter]
went shopping and finally got a
circle pin and a new
Went shopping and finally got a
circle pin and a new
autograph hound."
Circle pin and a new
autograph hound."
Bless my little heart.
Autograph hound."
Bless my little heart.
"Dear diary, lost comma poster.
Bless my little heart.
"Dear diary, lost comma poster.
Will make new one on question
"Dear diary, lost comma poster.
Will make new one on question
marks and semicolons.
Will make new one on question
marks and semicolons.
But the big news is this... I
Marks and semicolons.
But the big news is this... I
asked gail if she would ask bill
But the big news is this... I
asked gail if she would ask bill
if he would ask rob if he would
Asked gail if she would ask bill
if he would ask rob if he would
even consider going with me to
If he would ask rob if he would
even consider going with me to
the leader course sock hop.
Even consider going with me to
the leader course sock hop.
She did, and guess what?
The leader course sock hop.
She did, and guess what?
Gail said that rob said that
She did, and guess what?
Gail said that rob said that
bill said... Rather, gail said
Gail said that rob said that
bill said... Rather, gail said
that bill said that rob said
Bill said... Rather, gail said
that bill said that rob said
yes.
That bill said that rob said
yes.
Oh!
Yes.
Oh!
Found terrif new nail polish.
Oh!
Found terrif new nail polish.
Passionately pink.
Found terrif new nail polish.
Passionately pink.
Great in store but throw-up-ey
Passionately pink.
Great in store but throw-up-ey
at home."
Great in store but throw-up-ey
at home."
"Dear diary, tomorrow I am going
At home."
"Dear diary, tomorrow I am going
to ask rob.
"Dear diary, tomorrow I am going
to ask rob.
What a babe and a half!
To ask rob.
What a babe and a half!
Oh, god, I can't believe mom
What a babe and a half!
Oh, god, I can't believe mom
won't let me go see 'psycho.'
Oh, god, I can't believe mom
won't let me go see 'psycho.'
What a spaz."
Won't let me go see 'psycho.'
What a spaz."
"Dear diary, babe and a half my
What a spaz."
"Dear diary, babe and a half my
foot.
"Dear diary, babe and a half my
foot.
Rob can't go, and you know why?
Foot.
Rob can't go, and you know why?
Get this... Bill says, he comes
Rob can't go, and you know why?
Get this... Bill says, he comes
up to me and he says, 'don't ask
Get this... Bill says, he comes
up to me and he says, 'don't ask
rob to the party, mary kay,
Up to me and he says, 'don't ask
rob to the party, mary kay,
because he won't be able to go
Rob to the party, mary kay,
because he won't be able to go
with you.
Because he won't be able to go
with you.
He won't go with you.'
With you.
He won't go with you.'
God, I was so embarrassed, I
He won't go with you.'
God, I was so embarrassed, I
thought I was gonna die!
God, I was so embarrassed, I
thought I was gonna die!
I mean, I about had a cow!
Thought I was gonna die!
I mean, I about had a cow!
That really wrecks me up.
I mean, I about had a cow!
That really wrecks me up.
I think I'll just die."
That really wrecks me up.
I think I'll just die."
Well, there you have it.
I think I'll just die."
Well, there you have it.
Pathetic little teen trauma from
Well, there you have it.
Pathetic little teen trauma from
yesteryear.
Pathetic little teen trauma from
yesteryear.
I guess none of us really knew
Yesteryear.
I guess none of us really knew
way back then when I was in 8th
I guess none of us really knew
way back then when I was in 8th
grade, and especially you, rob,
Way back then when I was in 8th
grade, and especially you, rob,
if you're watching at home
Grade, and especially you, rob,
if you're watching at home
tonight, that someday, that same
If you're watching at home
tonight, that someday, that same
little gal you so brutally
Tonight, that someday, that same
little gal you so brutally
refused to escort to the sock
Little gal you so brutally
refused to escort to the sock
hop would one day be asked to
Refused to escort to the sock
hop would one day be asked to
host "saturday night live" and
Hop would one day be asked to
host "saturday night live" and
be paid a pretty penny for it,
Host "saturday night live" and
be paid a pretty penny for it,
too, rob.
Be paid a pretty penny for it,
too, rob.
And another thing, rob.
Too, rob.
And another thing, rob.
Danny aykroyd has been kind of
And another thing, rob.
Danny aykroyd has been kind of
hitting on me all week, and not
Danny aykroyd has been kind of
hitting on me all week, and not
unsuccessfully.
Hitting on me all week, and not
unsuccessfully.
We'll be right back after this
Unsuccessfully.
We'll be right back after this
message.
Announcer: not all women are
looking for mr. Right.
Sometimes they might just want a
Looking for mr. Right.
Sometimes they might just want a
little company for the evening.
Sometimes they might just want a
little company for the evening.
That's why olfab created
Little company for the evening.
That's why olfab created
hey, you!
That's why olfab created
hey, you!
Just one whiff does the trick,
Hey, you!
Just one whiff does the trick,
for those occasions when you
Just one whiff does the trick,
for those occasions when you
can't afford to be subtle.
For those occasions when you
can't afford to be subtle.
Hey, you!
Can't afford to be subtle.
Hey, you!
The scent you can't ignore.
Hey, you!
Announcer: hey, you!
For that special someone you
never expect to see again.
Hey, you!
The perfume for one-night
stands.
Good evening.
Welcome to "more insects to
worry about."
Welcome to "more insects to
worry about."
I'm your host, jane curtin.
Worry about."
I'm your host, jane curtin.
Tonight's guest is a highly
I'm your host, jane curtin.
Tonight's guest is a highly
regarded specialist on dangerous
Tonight's guest is a highly
regarded specialist on dangerous
insects... Dr. Haskell lack.
Regarded specialist on dangerous
insects... Dr. Haskell lack.
And he's made some startling
Insects... Dr. Haskell lack.
And he's made some startling
discoveries concerning the
And he's made some startling
discoveries concerning the
horrors lying in wait for us in
Discoveries concerning the
horrors lying in wait for us in
the insect world.
Horrors lying in wait for us in
the insect world.
Thank you, jane.
The insect world.
Thank you, jane.
I'm sure your audience is aware
Thank you, jane.
I'm sure your audience is aware
of the danger already posed by
I'm sure your audience is aware
of the danger already posed by
such insects as the south
Of the danger already posed by
such insects as the south
american k*ller bee, the
Such insects as the south
american k*ller bee, the
seven-year locust, and the
American k*ller bee, the
seven-year locust, and the
tsetse fly and so on.
Seven-year locust, and the
tsetse fly and so on.
But how many people are aware
Tsetse fly and so on.
But how many people are aware
that in a matter of weeks, the
But how many people are aware
that in a matter of weeks, the
lens beetle could infest every
That in a matter of weeks, the
lens beetle could infest every
corner of this continent?
Lens beetle could infest every
corner of this continent?
The lens beetle?
Corner of this continent?
The lens beetle?
Yes.
The lens beetle?
Yes.
It's an african insect in the
Yes.
It's an african insect in the
order coleoptera, often called
It's an african insect in the
order coleoptera, often called
the eyesucker.
Order coleoptera, often called
the eyesucker.
The insect's name comes from the
The eyesucker.
The insect's name comes from the
fact that the pregnant female
The insect's name comes from the
fact that the pregnant female
can only hatch her eggs while
Fact that the pregnant female
can only hatch her eggs while
nestled between the human
Can only hatch her eggs while
nestled between the human
eyeball and the contact lens.
Nestled between the human
eyeball and the contact lens.
Really?
Eyeball and the contact lens.
Really?
Yes, under the protective
Really?
Yes, under the protective
cover of the lens, the female
Yes, under the protective
cover of the lens, the female
unloads her eggs in a writhing
Cover of the lens, the female
unloads her eggs in a writhing
fit, then tightly weaves the
Unloads her eggs in a writhing
fit, then tightly weaves the
upper and lower lashes together.
Fit, then tightly weaves the
upper and lower lashes together.
The victim's eyes remain shut
Upper and lower lashes together.
The victim's eyes remain shut
for the entire gestation period,
The victim's eyes remain shut
for the entire gestation period,
which could go on for months.
For the entire gestation period,
which could go on for months.
Oh, that's fascinating.
Which could go on for months.
Oh, that's fascinating.
Do they also mate in the
Oh, that's fascinating.
Do they also mate in the
eyeballs?
Do they also mate in the
eyeballs?
No.
Eyeballs?
No.
All mating is conducted in the
No.
All mating is conducted in the
warmth of the victim's
All mating is conducted in the
warmth of the victim's
underwear in a mass ritual
Warmth of the victim's
underwear in a mass ritual
attended by the entire beetle
Underwear in a mass ritual
attended by the entire beetle
colony.
Attended by the entire beetle
colony.
After a long trek from the eyes
Colony.
After a long trek from the eyes
down to the torso, the mature
After a long trek from the eyes
down to the torso, the mature
beetles begin the mating process
Down to the torso, the mature
beetles begin the mating process
by secreting a substance not
Beetles begin the mating process
by secreting a substance not
unlike our own krazy glue...
By secreting a substance not
unlike our own krazy glue...
Which seals the elastic edges of
Unlike our own krazy glue...
Which seals the elastic edges of
the underwear to the flesh.
Which seals the elastic edges of
the underwear to the flesh.
Well, excuse me, but why do
The underwear to the flesh.
Well, excuse me, but why do
they do this?
Well, excuse me, but why do
they do this?
Strictly for privacy.
They do this?
Strictly for privacy.
Ah.
Strictly for privacy.
Ah.
Then the mating begins.
Ah.
Then the mating begins.
After it's over, each male
Then the mating begins.
After it's over, each male
beetle will attach themself to a
After it's over, each male
beetle will attach themself to a
single abdominal hair with his
Beetle will attach themself to a
single abdominal hair with his
corkscrew beak, then simply
Single abdominal hair with his
corkscrew beak, then simply
spins himself to death.
Corkscrew beak, then simply
spins himself to death.
The whirring can be heard up to
Spins himself to death.
The whirring can be heard up to
50 feet away.
The whirring can be heard up to
50 feet away.
It's very embarrassing.
50 Feet away.
It's very embarrassing.
Oh, that's really awful.
It's very embarrassing.
Oh, that's really awful.
Yeah, the irony of this is
Oh, that's really awful.
Yeah, the irony of this is
that the males die long before
Yeah, the irony of this is
that the males die long before
getting around to breaking the
That the males die long before
getting around to breaking the
seal they've placed along the
Getting around to breaking the
seal they've placed along the
seams of the underpants.
Seal they've placed along the
seams of the underpants.
When it finally does wear down
Seams of the underpants.
When it finally does wear down
some months later, the females
When it finally does wear down
some months later, the females
go off and lay their eggs in the
Some months later, the females
go off and lay their eggs in the
eyes.
Go off and lay their eggs in the
eyes.
As a scientist, I respect nature
Eyes.
As a scientist, I respect nature
and her laws.
As a scientist, I respect nature
and her laws.
But this makes me want to vomit.
And her laws.
But this makes me want to vomit.
And you say these beetles
But this makes me want to vomit.
And you say these beetles
will soon make their appearance
And you say these beetles
will soon make their appearance
in north america?
Will soon make their appearance
in north america?
They're already
In north america?
They're already
well-established in the
They're already
well-established in the
caribbean and are moving
Well-established in the
caribbean and are moving
northward at the rate of 200
Caribbean and are moving
northward at the rate of 200
miles a year.
Northward at the rate of 200
miles a year.
Well, I don't suppose
Miles a year.
Well, I don't suppose
insecticides will do any good?
Well, I don't suppose
insecticides will do any good?
Do they have any natural
Insecticides will do any good?
Do they have any natural
enemies?
Do they have any natural
enemies?
Not a one, jane.
Enemies?
Not a one, jane.
You know, we humans may not like
Not a one, jane.
You know, we humans may not like
them, but within the insect
You know, we humans may not like
them, but within the insect
world, these beetles are among
Them, but within the insect
world, these beetles are among
the best-liked and most
World, these beetles are among
the best-liked and most
respected creatures around.
The best-liked and most
respected creatures around.
These bugs are coming, jane, and
Respected creatures around.
These bugs are coming, jane, and
we're gonna be in a lot of
These bugs are coming, jane, and
we're gonna be in a lot of
trouble when they do.
We're gonna be in a lot of
trouble when they do.
Well, dr. Lack, surely we can
Trouble when they do.
Well, dr. Lack, surely we can
deal with one strain of beetle.
Well, dr. Lack, surely we can
deal with one strain of beetle.
You don't know the half of
Deal with one strain of beetle.
You don't know the half of
it, jane.
You don't know the half of
it, jane.
Even if we succeed in stopping
It, jane.
Even if we succeed in stopping
the lens beetle, by early 1980,
Even if we succeed in stopping
the lens beetle, by early 1980,
we'll be surrounded by funny
The lens beetle, by early 1980,
we'll be surrounded by funny
ants.
We'll be surrounded by funny
ants.
Well, we're very short of
Ants.
Well, we're very short of
time, dr. Lack, but could you
Well, we're very short of
time, dr. Lack, but could you
explain what you mean by funny
Time, dr. Lack, but could you
explain what you mean by funny
ants?
Explain what you mean by funny
ants?
The so-called funny ants are
Ants?
The so-called funny ants are
gangs of immature black ants who
The so-called funny ants are
gangs of immature black ants who
think they're real funny.
Gangs of immature black ants who
think they're real funny.
They try to win the approval of
Think they're real funny.
They try to win the approval of
other insects with all sorts of
They try to win the approval of
other insects with all sorts of
sophomoric tricks and practical
Other insects with all sorts of
sophomoric tricks and practical
jokes, usually directed toward
Sophomoric tricks and practical
jokes, usually directed toward
humans.
Jokes, usually directed toward
humans.
In the course of my research, I
Humans.
In the course of my research, I
once watched a colony of 200
In the course of my research, I
once watched a colony of 200
ants carrying a bag of dog doo
Once watched a colony of 200
ants carrying a bag of dog doo
for a distance of six blocks.
Ants carrying a bag of dog doo
for a distance of six blocks.
Excuse me, dr. Lack...
For a distance of six blocks.
Excuse me, dr. Lack...
I watched them lay the bag at
Excuse me, dr. Lack...
I watched them lay the bag at
someone's doorstep, light it on
I watched them lay the bag at
someone's doorstep, light it on
fire, then stand on each other's
Someone's doorstep, light it on
fire, then stand on each other's
shoulder till they reached the
Fire, then stand on each other's
shoulder till they reached the
doorbell.
Shoulder till they reached the
doorbell.
Excuse me, dr. Lack, we are
Doorbell.
Excuse me, dr. Lack, we are
out of time.
Excuse me, dr. Lack, we are
out of time.
Have you ever stood there and
Out of time.
Have you ever stood there and
been laughed at by a group of
Have you ever stood there and
been laughed at by a group of
ants?
Been laughed at by a group of
ants?
You know what that's like?
Ants?
You know what that's like?
They're not laughing with you.
You know what that's like?
They're not laughing with you.
They're laughing at you.
They're not laughing with you.
They're laughing at you.
That's what they're doing.
They're laughing at you.
That's what they're doing.
This has been another edition
That's what they're doing.
This has been another edition
of "more insects to worry
This has been another edition
of "more insects to worry
about."
Of "more insects to worry
about."
Thank you and good night.
[Southern accent] okay,
gals, are y'all ready to begin
class?
Gals, are y'all ready to begin
class?
Dickie nell, lurlene, gayvette,
Class?
Dickie nell, lurlene, gayvette,
I would just like to reiterate
Dickie nell, lurlene, gayvette,
I would just like to reiterate
that total womanhood has worked
I would just like to reiterate
that total womanhood has worked
for me, maribel morgan, and
That total womanhood has worked
for me, maribel morgan, and
it will work for you.
For me, maribel morgan, and
it will work for you.
I do believe that it is possible
It will work for you.
I do believe that it is possible
for any wife to have her husband
I do believe that it is possible
for any wife to have her husband
absolutely adore her in just a
For any wife to have her husband
absolutely adore her in just a
few weeks' time if she is
Absolutely adore her in just a
few weeks' time if she is
willing to give up being a
Few weeks' time if she is
willing to give up being a
person.
Willing to give up being a
person.
Like the good book says, serve
Person.
Like the good book says, serve
your husband as you would serve
Like the good book says, serve
your husband as you would serve
the lord.
Your husband as you would serve
the lord.
Only serve him smaller portions.
The lord.
Only serve him smaller portions.
Now, girls, let's have a
Only serve him smaller portions.
Now, girls, let's have a
progress report on how total
Now, girls, let's have a
progress report on how total
womanhood is working in your
Progress report on how total
womanhood is working in your
each and individual homes.
Womanhood is working in your
each and individual homes.
Gayvette?
Each and individual homes.
Gayvette?
Okay, well, I concentrated on
Gayvette?
Okay, well, I concentrated on
rule number one, always look
Okay, well, I concentrated on
rule number one, always look
your loveliest for your husband.
Rule number one, always look
your loveliest for your husband.
Like, last week, I got the
Your loveliest for your husband.
Like, last week, I got the
ugliest little old boil on the
Like, last week, I got the
ugliest little old boil on the
back of my neck.
Ugliest little old boil on the
back of my neck.
And I hid in the basement for a
Back of my neck.
And I hid in the basement for a
couple of days till it went
And I hid in the basement for a
couple of days till it went
away.
Couple of days till it went
away.
Good move, gayvette!
Away.
Good move, gayvette!
Now, dickie nell, what were you
Good move, gayvette!
Now, dickie nell, what were you
working on?
Now, dickie nell, what were you
working on?
Never refuse your husband
Working on?
Never refuse your husband
sex, whatever, wherever,
Never refuse your husband
sex, whatever, wherever,
whenever.
Sex, whatever, wherever,
whenever.
Now, after my gallbladder
Whenever.
Now, after my gallbladder
operation, my verne got so
Now, after my gallbladder
operation, my verne got so
turned on by my paper nightie
Operation, my verne got so
turned on by my paper nightie
that he started coming on to me
Turned on by my paper nightie
that he started coming on to me
right in the hospital bed.
That he started coming on to me
right in the hospital bed.
Well, I did not protest,
Right in the hospital bed.
Well, I did not protest,
maribel, even though without my
Well, I did not protest,
maribel, even though without my
gallbladder, I did not feel much
Maribel, even though without my
gallbladder, I did not feel much
like the total woman.
Gallbladder, I did not feel much
like the total woman.
Now, dickie nell, you should
Like the total woman.
Now, dickie nell, you should
have taken just a moment out to
Now, dickie nell, you should
have taken just a moment out to
check your gratitude meter.
Have taken just a moment out to
check your gratitude meter.
I mean, who was paying for that
Check your gratitude meter.
I mean, who was paying for that
operation?
I mean, who was paying for that
operation?
Oh, you're right.
Operation?
Oh, you're right.
Maribel, honey, I hate to
Oh, you're right.
Maribel, honey, I hate to
disturb you, honey, but the kids
Maribel, honey, I hate to
disturb you, honey, but the kids
and i, we're getting a little
Disturb you, honey, but the kids
and i, we're getting a little
hungry.
And i, we're getting a little
hungry.
We're wondering when we're gonna
Hungry.
We're wondering when we're gonna
eat.
We're wondering when we're gonna
eat.
Isn't he adorable?
Eat.
Isn't he adorable?
Now, hands off charlie, girls.
Isn't he adorable?
Now, hands off charlie, girls.
He's all mine.
Now, hands off charlie, girls.
He's all mine.
Lurlene, how did you make out
He's all mine.
Lurlene, how did you make out
with your homework assignment?
Lurlene, how did you make out
with your homework assignment?
Well, I practiced thrilling
With your homework assignment?
Well, I practiced thrilling
joe bob at the front door in a
Well, I practiced thrilling
joe bob at the front door in a
sexy new costume every night.
Joe bob at the front door in a
sexy new costume every night.
Wednesday, I put on the top half
Sexy new costume every night.
Wednesday, I put on the top half
of my majorette uniform.
Wednesday, I put on the top half
of my majorette uniform.
Thursday, I greeted him in two
Of my majorette uniform.
Thursday, I greeted him in two
dixie cups and a handi wipe.
Thursday, I greeted him in two
dixie cups and a handi wipe.
And last night, I wore nothing
Dixie cups and a handi wipe.
And last night, I wore nothing
but a dry-cleaner's bag and a
And last night, I wore nothing
but a dry-cleaner's bag and a
hefty-bag twist around my neck.
But a dry-cleaner's bag and a
hefty-bag twist around my neck.
And how did it go over with
Hefty-bag twist around my neck.
And how did it go over with
joe bob?
And how did it go over with
joe bob?
Well, he just ate it up with
Joe bob?
Well, he just ate it up with
a fork.
Well, he just ate it up with
a fork.
Attagirl, lurlene.
A fork.
Attagirl, lurlene.
Okay, now, why don't we act out
Attagirl, lurlene.
Okay, now, why don't we act out
that little total woman play
Okay, now, why don't we act out
that little total woman play
that we do have planned?
That little total woman play
that we do have planned?
Do you have your costume,
That we do have planned?
Do you have your costume,
dickie nell?
Do you have your costume,
dickie nell?
Yes, I do.
Dickie nell?
Yes, I do.
It's right here.
Yes, I do.
It's right here.
Okay, gayvette, why don't you
It's right here.
Okay, gayvette, why don't you
play the part of the husband?
Okay, gayvette, why don't you
play the part of the husband?
Good, you got the hat.
Play the part of the husband?
Good, you got the hat.
Okay, fabulous.
Good, you got the hat.
Okay, fabulous.
You look wonderful.
Okay, fabulous.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
Oh, whoo!
Thank you.
Oh, whoo!
All right.
Oh, whoo!
All right.
Save my dress.
All right.
Save my dress.
All right.
Save my dress.
All right.
Honey, I'm home.
All right.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, my lord and master.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, my lord and master.
I missed you terribly.
Oh, my lord and master.
I missed you terribly.
How was your day?
I missed you terribly.
How was your day?
Well, it was hell out there.
How was your day?
Well, it was hell out there.
I'm beat.
Well, it was hell out there.
I'm beat.
Oh, well, honey, have a seat.
I'm beat.
Oh, well, honey, have a seat.
Look, I brought you your pipe,
Oh, well, honey, have a seat.
Look, I brought you your pipe,
and I brought you your slippers,
Look, I brought you your pipe,
and I brought you your slippers,
and here's the newspaper opened
And I brought you your slippers,
and here's the newspaper opened
to the sports section, and
And here's the newspaper opened
to the sports section, and
here's your favorite drink.
To the sports section, and
here's your favorite drink.
Well, you know what, that's a
Here's your favorite drink.
Well, you know what, that's a
real sexy getup.
Well, you know what, that's a
real sexy getup.
And that dog collar makes me
Real sexy getup.
And that dog collar makes me
hot.
And that dog collar makes me
hot.
Oh!
Hot.
Oh!
Oh, well, snookums, I just put
Oh!
Oh, well, snookums, I just put
all the little children to bed
Oh, well, snookums, I just put
all the little children to bed
early so we could have some hot
All the little children to bed
early so we could have some hot
fun.
Early so we could have some hot
fun.
Ooh-whee, that sounds like
Fun.
Ooh-whee, that sounds like
fun!
Ooh-whee, that sounds like
fun!
Where should we have it tonight?
Fun!
Where should we have it tonight?
Well...
Where should we have it tonight?
Well...
How about on the bar, under the
Well...
How about on the bar, under the
stuffed marlin?
How about on the bar, under the
stuffed marlin?
Yahoo! What a great idea to
Stuffed marlin?
Yahoo! What a great idea to
perk up our marriage!
Yahoo! What a great idea to
perk up our marriage!
Very good, girls. Very good.
Perk up our marriage!
Very good, girls. Very good.
Lurlene, do you have any
Very good, girls. Very good.
Lurlene, do you have any
comments?
Lurlene, do you have any
comments?
Well, I didn't feel
Comments?
Well, I didn't feel
dickie nell was obsequious
Well, I didn't feel
dickie nell was obsequious
enough.
Dickie nell was obsequious
enough.
I'm sorry.
Enough.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's very...
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's very...
Dickie nell... Good point.
Oh, that's very...
Dickie nell... Good point.
Please brush up on your
Dickie nell... Good point.
Please brush up on your
groveling, okay?
Please brush up on your
groveling, okay?
Yes, I will.
Groveling, okay?
Yes, I will.
All right, that is enough for
Yes, I will.
All right, that is enough for
tonight, girls.
All right, that is enough for
tonight, girls.
I think we should all join hands
Tonight, girls.
I think we should all join hands
in our total woman devotional.
I think we should all join hands
in our total woman devotional.
Oh, lord, in times of tearful
In our total woman devotional.
Oh, lord, in times of tearful
strife, dry up our ducts.
Oh, lord, in times of tearful
strife, dry up our ducts.
Whensoever we should feel tired,
Strife, dry up our ducts.
Whensoever we should feel tired,
enable us to smile, even when
Whensoever we should feel tired,
enable us to smile, even when
our bodies need iron.
Enable us to smile, even when
our bodies need iron.
Amen, amen.
Our bodies need iron.
Amen, amen.
And whensoever our little
Amen, amen.
And whensoever our little
hubbies should just come home
And whensoever our little
hubbies should just come home
drunker than a skunk with five
Hubbies should just come home
drunker than a skunk with five
of his army friends and wants us
Drunker than a skunk with five
of his army friends and wants us
to whip up a little sirloin tip,
Of his army friends and wants us
to whip up a little sirloin tip,
then please, thou renew our
To whip up a little sirloin tip,
then please, thou renew our
valium prescription.
Then please, thou renew our
valium prescription.
And, lord, let it be not 5s, but
Valium prescription.
And, lord, let it be not 5s, but
10s.
And, lord, let it be not 5s, but
10s.
All: amen!
Now here's a good ol' boy I
think you're gonna like...
Willie nelson!
Think you're gonna like...
Willie nelson!
[Playing intro to
Willie nelson!
[Playing intro to
"whiskey river"]
[Playing intro to
"whiskey river"]
♪ whiskey river, take my
["Whiskey river"]
♪ whiskey river, take my
mind ♪
♪ Whiskey river, take my
mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
Mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ And don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run
dry ♪
♪ Whiskey river, don't run
dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
Dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ You're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ whiskey river, take my mind ♪
Me ♪
♪ whiskey river, take my mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
♪ Whiskey river, take my mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ And don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
♪ Whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ You're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ I'm drowning in a whiskey
Me ♪
♪ I'm drowning in a whiskey
river ♪
♪ I'm drowning in a whiskey
river ♪
♪ bathing my memoried mind
River ♪
♪ bathing my memoried mind
in the wetness of its soul ♪
♪ Bathing my memoried mind
in the wetness of its soul ♪
♪ feeling the amber current
In the wetness of its soul ♪
♪ feeling the amber current
flowing from my mind ♪
♪ Feeling the amber current
flowing from my mind ♪
♪ and warm an empty heart you
Flowing from my mind ♪
♪ and warm an empty heart you
left so cold ♪
♪ And warm an empty heart you
left so cold ♪
♪ whiskey river, take my mind ♪
Left so cold ♪
♪ whiskey river, take my mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
♪ Whiskey river, take my mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ And don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
♪ Whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ Whiskey river, take my mind ♪
♪ and don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ And don't let her memory
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
t*rture me ♪
♪ whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
♪ Whiskey river, don't run dry ♪
♪ you're all I got, take care of
me ♪
♪ You're all I got, take care of
me ♪
[cheers and applause]
Me ♪
[cheers and applause]
thank you very much.
[Cheers and applause]
thank you very much.
[Playing intro to
Thank you very much.
[Playing intro to
"blue eyes cryin' in the rain"]
[Playing intro to
"blue eyes cryin' in the rain"]
♪ in the twilight glow, I see
["Blue eyes cryin' in the rain"]
♪ in the twilight glow, I see
her ♪
♪ In the twilight glow, I see
her ♪
♪ blue eyes cryin' in the rain ♪
Her ♪
♪ blue eyes cryin' in the rain ♪
♪ and when we kissed goodbye and
♪ Blue eyes cryin' in the rain ♪
♪ and when we kissed goodbye and
parted ♪
♪ And when we kissed goodbye and
parted ♪
♪ I knew that we'd never meet
Parted ♪
♪ I knew that we'd never meet
again ♪
♪ I knew that we'd never meet
again ♪
♪ love is like a dying ember ♪
Again ♪
♪ love is like a dying ember ♪
♪ only memories remain ♪
♪ Love is like a dying ember ♪
♪ only memories remain ♪
♪ and through the ages, I'll
♪ Only memories remain ♪
♪ and through the ages, I'll
remember ♪
♪ And through the ages, I'll
remember ♪
♪ blue eyes cryin' in the rain ♪
♪ Some day, when we meet up
yonder ♪
♪ we'll stroll hand in hand
Yonder ♪
♪ we'll stroll hand in hand
again ♪
♪ We'll stroll hand in hand
again ♪
♪ in a land that knows no
Again ♪
♪ in a land that knows no
parting ♪
♪ In a land that knows no
parting ♪
♪ blue eyes cryin' in the rain ♪
[Cheers and applause]
thank you.
Tonight on "weekend update,"
anwar sadat brushes up on jewish
expressions.
Anwar sadat brushes up on jewish
expressions.
This and more on "weekend
Expressions.
This and more on "weekend
update," coming up next.
This and more on "weekend
update," coming up next.
Announcer: and now, "weekend
Update," coming up next.
Announcer: and now, "weekend
update" with the "weekend
Announcer: and now, "weekend
update" with the "weekend
update" news team.
Update" with the "weekend
update" news team.
Here are co-anchorpersons
Update" news team.
Here are co-anchorpersons
dan aykroyd and jane curtin.
Here are co-anchorpersons
dan aykroyd and jane curtin.
Good evening, I'm
Dan aykroyd and jane curtin.
Good evening, I'm
dan aykroyd, and sitting in for
Good evening, I'm
dan aykroyd, and sitting in for
jane curtin...
Dan aykroyd, and sitting in for
jane curtin...
Is jane curtin.
Jane curtin...
Is jane curtin.
Our top story tonight, under a
Is jane curtin.
Our top story tonight, under a
federal government prisoner
Our top story tonight, under a
federal government prisoner
exchange treaty with mexico,
Federal government prisoner
exchange treaty with mexico,
americans in mexican prisons are
Exchange treaty with mexico,
americans in mexican prisons are
being sent back to prisons in
Americans in mexican prisons are
being sent back to prisons in
the united states.
Being sent back to prisons in
the united states.
The first group arrived in
The united states.
The first group arrived in
california yesterday, in keeping
The first group arrived in
california yesterday, in keeping
with the goodwill and spirit of
California yesterday, in keeping
with the goodwill and spirit of
the holiday season.
With the goodwill and spirit of
the holiday season.
The u.s. Is sending mexico an
The holiday season.
The u.s. Is sending mexico an
equal number of santa clauses,
The u.s. Is sending mexico an
equal number of santa clauses,
who will be thrown into mexican
Equal number of santa clauses,
who will be thrown into mexican
prisons in time for christmas.
Who will be thrown into mexican
prisons in time for christmas.
Egyptian president
Prisons in time for christmas.
Egyptian president
anwar al-sadat this week
Egyptian president
anwar al-sadat this week
att*cked arab-nation critics of
Anwar al-sadat this week
att*cked arab-nation critics of
his israeli peace proposals.
att*cked arab-nation critics of
his israeli peace proposals.
He said those who are casting
His israeli peace proposals.
He said those who are casting
doubts on what is happening are
He said those who are casting
doubts on what is happening are
dwarfs.
Doubts on what is happening are
dwarfs.
Sadat is shown here addressing
Dwarfs.
Sadat is shown here addressing
his critics face-to-face.
Sadat is shown here addressing
his critics face-to-face.
After 14 years of controversy,
His critics face-to-face.
After 14 years of controversy,
americans still aren't satisfied
After 14 years of controversy,
americans still aren't satisfied
that we have an accurate
Americans still aren't satisfied
that we have an accurate
understanding on how
That we have an accurate
understanding on how
president kennedy died.
Understanding on how
president kennedy died.
Admitting that they might need
President kennedy died.
Admitting that they might need
additional outside help in this
Admitting that they might need
additional outside help in this
investigation, the cia has
Additional outside help in this
investigation, the cia has
appealed, oddly enough, to the
Investigation, the cia has
appealed, oddly enough, to the
committee who conducted a recent
Appealed, oddly enough, to the
committee who conducted a recent
inquest of the steve biko case
Committee who conducted a recent
inquest of the steve biko case
in pretoria, south africa.
Inquest of the steve biko case
in pretoria, south africa.
Their findings... John kennedy
In pretoria, south africa.
Their findings... John kennedy
died of natural causes.
Their findings... John kennedy
died of natural causes.
His head wounds were
Died of natural causes.
His head wounds were
self-inflicted and
His head wounds were
self-inflicted and
lee harvey oswald died as a
Self-inflicted and
lee harvey oswald died as a
result of a hunger strike,
Lee harvey oswald died as a
result of a hunger strike,
clearing the dallas police
Result of a hunger strike,
clearing the dallas police
department of negligence, as
Clearing the dallas police
department of negligence, as
originally reported.
Department of negligence, as
originally reported.
Thank god now we have the
Originally reported.
Thank god now we have the
answers, dan.
Thank god now we have the
answers, dan.
I'll say, jane.
Answers, dan.
I'll say, jane.
Well, nbc is reviving that
I'll say, jane.
Well, nbc is reviving that
classic comedy of yesteryear
Well, nbc is reviving that
classic comedy of yesteryear
"the amos 'n andy show."
Classic comedy of yesteryear
"the amos 'n andy show."
The tv program had been canceled
"The amos 'n andy show."
The tv program had been canceled
in the late 1950s due to
The tv program had been canceled
in the late 1950s due to
objections from black-pressure
In the late 1950s due to
objections from black-pressure
groups.
Objections from black-pressure
groups.
But the network now feels that
Groups.
But the network now feels that
the new show has changed the
But the network now feels that
the new show has changed the
derogatory racial stereotypes to
The new show has changed the
derogatory racial stereotypes to
project a positive image of the
Derogatory racial stereotypes to
project a positive image of the
afro-american community.
Project a positive image of the
afro-american community.
The series is retitled "to be
Afro-american community.
The series is retitled "to be
young, black, gifted, and
The series is retitled "to be
young, black, gifted, and
funny."
Young, black, gifted, and
funny."
Amos, a typical black brain
Funny."
Amos, a typical black brain
surgeon, and andy, a gullible
Amos, a typical black brain
surgeon, and andy, a gullible
olympic swimming coach, fall
Surgeon, and andy, a gullible
olympic swimming coach, fall
easy prey to the get-rich-quick
Olympic swimming coach, fall
easy prey to the get-rich-quick
schemes of the kingfish, a wily
Easy prey to the get-rich-quick
schemes of the kingfish, a wily
wall street investment broker.
Schemes of the kingfish, a wily
wall street investment broker.
One major change... Calhoun, the
Wall street investment broker.
One major change... Calhoun, the
idealistic civil-rights lawyer,
One major change... Calhoun, the
idealistic civil-rights lawyer,
is now a woman, and will be
Idealistic civil-rights lawyer,
is now a woman, and will be
played by olivia newton-john
Is now a woman, and will be
played by olivia newton-john
with shoe polish all over her
Played by olivia newton-john
with shoe polish all over her
face.
With shoe polish all over her
face.
In a related story, black
Face.
In a related story, black
panther co-founder huey newton
In a related story, black
panther co-founder huey newton
spoke to reporters and offered
Panther co-founder huey newton
spoke to reporters and offered
interesting insight into the
Spoke to reporters and offered
interesting insight into the
black movement of the '60s,
Interesting insight into the
black movement of the '60s,
stating that originally, the
Black movement of the '60s,
stating that originally, the
panthers were going to be called
Stating that originally, the
panthers were going to be called
the ducks, an organization that
Panthers were going to be called
the ducks, an organization that
huey co-founded with his
The ducks, an organization that
huey co-founded with his
brothers louie, dewie, and uncle
Huey co-founded with his
brothers louie, dewie, and uncle
donald.
Brothers louie, dewie, and uncle
donald.
And there's that picture we were
Donald.
And there's that picture we were
waiting for.
And there's that picture we were
waiting for.
Louie, dewie, uncle donald.
Waiting for.
Louie, dewie, uncle donald.
Duck bird.
Louie, dewie, uncle donald.
Duck bird.
Remember duck bird?
Duck bird.
Remember duck bird?
The beagle boys.
Remember duck bird?
The beagle boys.
I sure do, dan.
The beagle boys.
I sure do, dan.
Our next story...
I sure do, dan.
Our next story...
Call for garrett morris!
Our next story...
Call for garrett morris!
Call for garrett morris!
Call for garrett morris!
Call for garrett morris!
[Clears throat]
Call for garrett morris!
[Clears throat]
an atlanta, georgia,
[Clears throat]
an atlanta, georgia,
urologist has announced that an
An atlanta, georgia,
urologist has announced that an
operation to reattach the
Urologist has announced that an
operation to reattach the
severed penis of a college
Operation to reattach the
severed penis of a college
student was a success.
Severed penis of a college
student was a success.
The lucky student reportedly
Student was a success.
The lucky student reportedly
commented that he's glad to be
The lucky student reportedly
commented that he's glad to be
back in school and able to cram
Commented that he's glad to be
back in school and able to cram
for his midterm exams.
Back in school and able to cram
for his midterm exams.
Now here's correspondent
For his midterm exams.
Now here's correspondent
laraine newman with a special
Now here's correspondent
laraine newman with a special
report on lie detection.
Laraine newman with a special
report on lie detection.
Laraine?
Report on lie detection.
Laraine?
Thank you, jane.
Laraine?
Thank you, jane.
At ohio university,
Thank you, jane.
At ohio university,
roger e. Bennett has proven that
At ohio university,
roger e. Bennett has proven that
split-second facial expressions
Roger e. Bennett has proven that
split-second facial expressions
known as micromomentaries occur
Split-second facial expressions
known as micromomentaries occur
at the precise moment a person
Known as micromomentaries occur
at the precise moment a person
is telling a lie.
At the precise moment a person
is telling a lie.
He says he can catch the
Is telling a lie.
He says he can catch the
expressions on videotape, and
He says he can catch the
expressions on videotape, and
consequently, catch a liar in
Expressions on videotape, and
consequently, catch a liar in
the act of lying by spotting the
Consequently, catch a liar in
the act of lying by spotting the
almost invisible facial
The act of lying by spotting the
almost invisible facial
expressions.
Almost invisible facial
expressions.
Right now, I shall demonstrate.
Expressions.
Right now, I shall demonstrate.
I will make a statement and see
Right now, I shall demonstrate.
I will make a statement and see
if you can detect the facial
I will make a statement and see
if you can detect the facial
expression that tells you I am
If you can detect the facial
expression that tells you I am
lying.
Expression that tells you I am
lying.
I had a wonderful time tonight.
Lying.
I had a wonderful time tonight.
This is the first time I've ever
I had a wonderful time tonight.
This is the first time I've ever
done anything like this.
This is the first time I've ever
done anything like this.
That was a lovely cologne you
Done anything like this.
That was a lovely cologne you
were wearing.
That was a lovely cologne you
were wearing.
And that was certainly a
Were wearing.
And that was certainly a
delicious dinner.
And that was certainly a
delicious dinner.
I know you didn't notice
Delicious dinner.
I know you didn't notice
anything to give away my true
I know you didn't notice
anything to give away my true
feelings, but mr. Bennett's
Anything to give away my true
feelings, but mr. Bennett's
videotape method would have
Feelings, but mr. Bennett's
videotape method would have
revealed them to you
Videotape method would have
revealed them to you
immediately.
Revealed them to you
immediately.
Jane?
Immediately.
Jane?
Adlai stevenson.
Jane?
Adlai stevenson.
In madrid last week,
Adlai stevenson.
In madrid last week,
king juan carlos...
In madrid last week,
king juan carlos...
Excuse me.
King juan carlos...
Excuse me.
Issued a royal decree which
Excuse me.
Issued a royal decree which
abolished all film censorship
Issued a royal decree which
abolished all film censorship
and paved the way for
Abolished all film censorship
and paved the way for
establishment of spain's first
And paved the way for
establishment of spain's first
x-rated movie industry.
Establishment of spain's first
x-rated movie industry.
Reaction from other spanish
X-rated movie industry.
Reaction from other spanish
officials was instant and
Reaction from other spanish
officials was instant and
widespread, except for
Officials was instant and
widespread, except for
generalissimo francisco franco,
Widespread, except for
generalissimo francisco franco,
who after almost two years, was
Generalissimo francisco franco,
who after almost two years, was
still too dead to make a
Who after almost two years, was
still too dead to make a
statement.
Still too dead to make a
statement.
Well, despite what we may be led
Statement.
Well, despite what we may be led
to believe, things aren't always
Well, despite what we may be led
to believe, things aren't always
that bleak behind the iron
To believe, things aren't always
that bleak behind the iron
curtain.
That bleak behind the iron
curtain.
There was a festive celebration
Curtain.
There was a festive celebration
yesterday in volneg, bulgaria,
There was a festive celebration
yesterday in volneg, bulgaria,
where the winner of the balkan
Yesterday in volneg, bulgaria,
where the winner of the balkan
international fancy-dress ball
Where the winner of the balkan
international fancy-dress ball
claimed his prize... Two tons of
International fancy-dress ball
claimed his prize... Two tons of
uncut beef jerky.
Claimed his prize... Two tons of
uncut beef jerky.
Last week, eric sevareid, who
Uncut beef jerky.
Last week, eric sevareid, who
gave nightly editorials on the
Last week, eric sevareid, who
gave nightly editorials on the
cbs evening news for 14 years,
Gave nightly editorials on the
cbs evening news for 14 years,
retired from that program
Cbs evening news for 14 years,
retired from that program
because he reached cbs's
Retired from that program
because he reached cbs's
mandatory retirement age of 65.
Because he reached cbs's
mandatory retirement age of 65.
Tonight, mr. Sevareid asked if
Mandatory retirement age of 65.
Tonight, mr. Sevareid asked if
he could be on "weekend update"
Tonight, mr. Sevareid asked if
he could be on "weekend update"
to give one last editorial on
He could be on "weekend update"
to give one last editorial on
the question of
To give one last editorial on
the question of
mandatory-retirement age.
The question of
mandatory-retirement age.
While it may not be true that
Mandatory-retirement age.
While it may not be true that
just as you cannot teach old
While it may not be true that
just as you cannot teach old
dogs new tricks, so you cannot
Just as you cannot teach old
dogs new tricks, so you cannot
teach a generation of young
Dogs new tricks, so you cannot
teach a generation of young
video addicts to read.
Teach a generation of young
video addicts to read.
There is no small agreement
Video addicts to read.
There is no small agreement
among educators that television
There is no small agreement
among educators that television
has replaced the printed word
Among educators that television
has replaced the printed word
and that mcluhan's global
Has replaced the printed word
and that mcluhan's global
village is, if not totally
And that mcluhan's global
village is, if not totally
illiterate, then certainly less
Village is, if not totally
illiterate, then certainly less
literate than the world that
Illiterate, then certainly less
literate than the world that
existed before television.
Literate than the world that
existed before television.
What does this all mean?
Existed before television.
What does this all mean?
It means that a majority of
What does this all mean?
It means that a majority of
americans born after a w*r
It means that a majority of
americans born after a w*r
fought to preserve freedom of
Americans born after a w*r
fought to preserve freedom of
the press cannot follow the
Fought to preserve freedom of
the press cannot follow the
words, phrases, sentences,
The press cannot follow the
words, phrases, sentences,
clauses, and awkward speech
Words, phrases, sentences,
clauses, and awkward speech
patterns of a 65-year-old
Clauses, and awkward speech
patterns of a 65-year-old
broadcast journalist geared to
Patterns of a 65-year-old
broadcast journalist geared to
literary constructions of an era
Broadcast journalist geared to
literary constructions of an era
gone by.
Literary constructions of an era
gone by.
Mandatory-retirement age is not
Gone by.
Mandatory-retirement age is not
really a question here.
Mandatory-retirement age is not
really a question here.
William paley, the man who
Really a question here.
William paley, the man who
ultimately made the decision to
William paley, the man who
ultimately made the decision to
retire me, is my elder, and yet
Ultimately made the decision to
retire me, is my elder, and yet
continues to chair on the cbs
Retire me, is my elder, and yet
continues to chair on the cbs
board, perhaps the very reason
Continues to chair on the cbs
board, perhaps the very reason
the network finds itself in the
Board, perhaps the very reason
the network finds itself in the
embarrassing position of third
The network finds itself in the
embarrassing position of third
among three.
Embarrassing position of third
among three.
What is a question is my
Among three.
What is a question is my
relative viability as a
What is a question is my
relative viability as a
television journalist.
Relative viability as a
television journalist.
Some argue that I often make
Television journalist.
Some argue that I often make
perfect sense, illuminating
Some argue that I often make
perfect sense, illuminating
subtle nuances of conjecture
Perfect sense, illuminating
subtle nuances of conjecture
upon the great problems of the
Subtle nuances of conjecture
upon the great problems of the
day.
Upon the great problems of the
day.
Others would argue the opposite,
Day.
Others would argue the opposite,
that my use of tired syntax and
Others would argue the opposite,
that my use of tired syntax and
sentence structure coupled with
That my use of tired syntax and
sentence structure coupled with
a staccato and often singsong
Sentence structure coupled with
a staccato and often singsong
delivery make these editorials
A staccato and often singsong
delivery make these editorials
incomprehensible and an exercise
Delivery make these editorials
incomprehensible and an exercise
in futility, like so many grains
Incomprehensible and an exercise
in futility, like so many grains
of sand against the tides of the
In futility, like so many grains
of sand against the tides of the
oceans.
Of sand against the tides of the
oceans.
I have no strong argument with
Oceans.
I have no strong argument with
either proposition.
I have no strong argument with
either proposition.
I have always seen my primary
Either proposition.
I have always seen my primary
duty as one of elucidation and
I have always seen my primary
duty as one of elucidation and
not advocation, and so I accept
Duty as one of elucidation and
not advocation, and so I accept
the decision of cbs with the
Not advocation, and so I accept
the decision of cbs with the
feeling that adlai stevenson may
The decision of cbs with the
feeling that adlai stevenson may
have put best when, after his
Feeling that adlai stevenson may
have put best when, after his
disastrous second defeat at the
Have put best when, after his
disastrous second defeat at the
hands of
Disastrous second defeat at the
hands of
dwight david eisenhower, said,
Hands of
dwight david eisenhower, said,
"it hurts too much to laugh, and
Dwight david eisenhower, said,
"it hurts too much to laugh, and
I'm too old to cry."
"It hurts too much to laugh, and
I'm too old to cry."
From new york, this was
I'm too old to cry."
From new york, this was
eric sevareid.
From new york, this was
eric sevareid.
Thank you and goodbye.
Eric sevareid.
Thank you and goodbye.
[Applause]
Thank you and goodbye.
[Applause]
that's the news.
[Applause]
that's the news.
Good night, and to our ailing
That's the news.
Good night, and to our ailing
cue-card man al siegel, get
Good night, and to our ailing
cue-card man al siegel, get
well.
Cue-card man al siegel, get
well.
Get well soon.
Announcer: new york city,
1961.
Soaring unemployment, plunging
1961.
Soaring unemployment, plunging
incomes, inadequate housing.
Soaring unemployment, plunging
incomes, inadequate housing.
New york, where the ratio of
Incomes, inadequate housing.
New york, where the ratio of
available bachelors to
New york, where the ratio of
available bachelors to
bachelorettes is 35 to 2, and
Available bachelors to
bachelorettes is 35 to 2, and
the odds of running into someone
Bachelorettes is 35 to 2, and
the odds of running into someone
you can stand a million to one.
The odds of running into someone
you can stand a million to one.
But despite this new york, in
You can stand a million to one.
But despite this new york, in
movies like these, when poor
But despite this new york, in
movies like these, when poor
young gals arrive here with no
Movies like these, when poor
young gals arrive here with no
money, no friends, and no place
Young gals arrive here with no
money, no friends, and no place
to go, they always getting rich,
Money, no friends, and no place
to go, they always getting rich,
famous, and married in a minute!
To go, they always getting rich,
famous, and married in a minute!
Can you believe it?
Famous, and married in a minute!
Can you believe it?
The imperial royal presidential
Can you believe it?
The imperial royal presidential
suite at the waldorf-astoria
The imperial royal presidential
suite at the waldorf-astoria
hotel!
Suite at the waldorf-astoria
hotel!
I can't believe we loaned a
Hotel!
I can't believe we loaned a
kleenex to that eccentric
I can't believe we loaned a
kleenex to that eccentric
millionaire at the bus station
Kleenex to that eccentric
millionaire at the bus station
who was so grateful to us that
Millionaire at the bus station
who was so grateful to us that
he told us we could have this
Who was so grateful to us that
he told us we could have this
suite for the rest of our lives!
He told us we could have this
suite for the rest of our lives!
Wasn't that nice?
Suite for the rest of our lives!
Wasn't that nice?
Oh, here's a penny.
Wasn't that nice?
Oh, here's a penny.
I'm sorry it couldn't be more.
Oh, here's a penny.
I'm sorry it couldn't be more.
But we didn't know that new york
I'm sorry it couldn't be more.
But we didn't know that new york
was gonna be so expensive, and
But we didn't know that new york
was gonna be so expensive, and
the cab ride from the bus
Was gonna be so expensive, and
the cab ride from the bus
station was gonna cost $843.
The cab ride from the bus
station was gonna cost $843.
A penny. That's okay.
Station was gonna cost $843.
A penny. That's okay.
Your niceness makes up for it.
A penny. That's okay.
Your niceness makes up for it.
Oh, here we are in
Your niceness makes up for it.
Oh, here we are in
new york city with no money
Oh, here we are in
new york city with no money
left... Oh, no!
New york city with no money
left... Oh, no!
Behind the flowers! Look!
Left... Oh, no!
Behind the flowers! Look!
Here's $1 million!
Behind the flowers! Look!
Here's $1 million!
Well, I guess our money
Here's $1 million!
Well, I guess our money
problems are over!
Well, I guess our money
problems are over!
For a little while, anyway.
Problems are over!
For a little while, anyway.
[Telephone rings]
For a little while, anyway.
[Telephone rings]
I'll get it!
[Telephone rings]
I'll get it!
Hello?
I'll get it!
Hello?
No, I'm sorry, this isn't famous
Hello?
No, I'm sorry, this isn't famous
actresses, incorporated.
No, I'm sorry, this isn't famous
actresses, incorporated.
You must have the wrong n...
Actresses, incorporated.
You must have the wrong n...
Oh, yes, there is an actress
You must have the wrong n...
Oh, yes, there is an actress
here.
Oh, yes, there is an actress
here.
Well, of course I could!
Here.
Well, of course I could!
You're kidding! The play?
Well, of course I could!
You're kidding! The play?
The lead in a broadway show in
You're kidding! The play?
The lead in a broadway show in
case the star gets sick?
The lead in a broadway show in
case the star gets sick?
Well, of course... The star's
Case the star gets sick?
Well, of course... The star's
sick now?
Well, of course... The star's
sick now?
Oh, I can't believe it!
Sick now?
Oh, I can't believe it!
Oh, sure, I'll be right down in
Oh, I can't believe it!
Oh, sure, I'll be right down in
just a jiff.
Oh, sure, I'll be right down in
just a jiff.
Oh, hey, thanks!
Just a jiff.
Oh, hey, thanks!
I got the lead in a broadway
Oh, hey, thanks!
I got the lead in a broadway
show!
I got the lead in a broadway
show!
Oh, look, here's this card,
Show!
Oh, look, here's this card,
and it's addressed to me!
Oh, look, here's this card,
and it's addressed to me!
"Saw you in the lobby, won't you
And it's addressed to me!
"Saw you in the lobby, won't you
be my date at the coronation
"Saw you in the lobby, won't you
be my date at the coronation
ball?"
Be my date at the coronation
ball?"
Signed, the prince of france!
Ball?"
Signed, the prince of france!
I can't!
Signed, the prince of france!
I can't!
All I have to wear is this old
I can't!
All I have to wear is this old
thing.
All I have to wear is this old
thing.
Wait a minute, you're just
Thing.
Wait a minute, you're just
about my size.
Wait a minute, you're just
about my size.
I think I have something that
About my size.
I think I have something that
you can wear if I can just find
I think I have something that
you can wear if I can just find
it.
You can wear if I can just find
it.
Here it is!
It.
Here it is!
It's just an old thing, but it
Here it is!
It's just an old thing, but it
might work!
It's just an old thing, but it
might work!
Hey, look.
Might work!
Hey, look.
I've got some shoes.
Hey, look.
I've got some shoes.
Oh, thanks.
I've got some shoes.
Oh, thanks.
Purse and accessories right
Oh, thanks.
Purse and accessories right
here!
Purse and accessories right
here!
Oh, you guys are just the
Here!
Oh, you guys are just the
best friends a gal ever had!
Oh, you guys are just the
best friends a gal ever had!
How will I get my modeling
Best friends a gal ever had!
How will I get my modeling
career off the ground and meet
How will I get my modeling
career off the ground and meet
the man of my dreams?
Career off the ground and meet
the man of my dreams?
I don't even feel like trying
The man of my dreams?
I don't even feel like trying
anymore.
I don't even feel like trying
anymore.
Problems, problems... We
Anymore.
Problems, problems... We
can't even find the correct
Problems, problems... We
can't even find the correct
room!
Can't even find the correct
room!
This is not my room!
Room!
This is not my room!
Wait... There she is!
This is not my room!
Wait... There she is!
The woman I have waited for to
Wait... There she is!
The woman I have waited for to
be in my ads for my hungarian
The woman I have waited for to
be in my ads for my hungarian
perfume... A fashion model!
Be in my ads for my hungarian
perfume... A fashion model!
I was looking for her!
Perfume... A fashion model!
I was looking for her!
Of 500,000 women, I'm looking
I was looking for her!
Of 500,000 women, I'm looking
for, but this one here is the
Of 500,000 women, I'm looking
for, but this one here is the
one I found, the only one I
For, but this one here is the
one I found, the only one I
would want to marry, because I
One I found, the only one I
would want to marry, because I
was going to give up looking
Would want to marry, because I
was going to give up looking
just a second ago, but here she
Was going to give up looking
just a second ago, but here she
is!
Just a second ago, but here she
is!
Here, a million-dollar contract.
Is!
Here, a million-dollar contract.
And a marriage proposal!
Here, a million-dollar contract.
And a marriage proposal!
Well, I'll need a little time
And a marriage proposal!
Well, I'll need a little time
to think it over!
Well, I'll need a little time
to think it over!
Take all the time you want.
To think it over!
Take all the time you want.
I'll wait until the small second
Take all the time you want.
I'll wait until the small second
hand gets to the 3.
I'll wait until the small second
hand gets to the 3.
Okay, I'll do it, okay!
Hand gets to the 3.
Okay, I'll do it, okay!
Okay, great!
Okay, I'll do it, okay!
Okay, great!
[Knock on door]
Okay, great!
[Knock on door]
well, I'm off to the theater.
[Knock on door]
well, I'm off to the theater.
Oh, excuse me.
Well, I'm off to the theater.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, a note.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, a note.
Here.
Oh, a note.
Here.
"Please accept this big pile of
Here.
"Please accept this big pile of
dirt.
"Please accept this big pile of
dirt.
Love, a secret admirer."
Dirt.
Love, a secret admirer."
Oh, I couldn't possibly accept
Love, a secret admirer."
Oh, I couldn't possibly accept
such a nice thing.
Oh, I couldn't possibly accept
such a nice thing.
Oh, well, I tried.
Such a nice thing.
Oh, well, I tried.
You mean it was from you?
Oh, well, I tried.
You mean it was from you?
Well, I wanted to give you
You mean it was from you?
Well, I wanted to give you
something to express how I felt,
Well, I wanted to give you
something to express how I felt,
and I can't offer you very much,
Something to express how I felt,
and I can't offer you very much,
so...
And I can't offer you very much,
so...
Oh!
So...
Oh!
Do I look all right?
Oh!
Do I look all right?
Oh, but, father, I love her,
Do I look all right?
Oh, but, father, I love her,
even though I can't marry her
Oh, but, father, I love her,
even though I can't marry her
because she is a commoner!
Even though I can't marry her
because she is a commoner!
Oh, please, father... Can't I
Because she is a commoner!
Oh, please, father... Can't I
give up the throne, please, even
Oh, please, father... Can't I
give up the throne, please, even
though it would mean the
Give up the throne, please, even
though it would mean the
overthrow of our government, the
Though it would mean the
overthrow of our government, the
end of our country, the free
Overthrow of our government, the
end of our country, the free
world, democracy as we know it,
End of our country, the free
world, democracy as we know it,
and k*ll you from grief?
World, democracy as we know it,
and k*ll you from grief?
Well, all right.
And k*ll you from grief?
Well, all right.
Oh, wait!
Well, all right.
Oh, wait!
But what about my planned career
Oh, wait!
But what about my planned career
of a person who comes to your
But what about my planned career
of a person who comes to your
house and rearranges mostly
Of a person who comes to your
house and rearranges mostly
yellow flowers?
House and rearranges mostly
yellow flowers?
You can be that and a queen!
Yellow flowers?
You can be that and a queen!
Oh, papa.
You can be that and a queen!
Oh, papa.
Gee, things don't seem to be
Oh, papa.
Gee, things don't seem to be
working out for me.
Gee, things don't seem to be
working out for me.
Maybe new york's not my kind of
Working out for me.
Maybe new york's not my kind of
town.
Maybe new york's not my kind of
town.
I think I'll give up and go
Town.
I think I'll give up and go
home.
I think I'll give up and go
home.
Look, on that ledge!
Home.
Look, on that ledge!
It's a texas oil man, and he's
Look, on that ledge!
It's a texas oil man, and he's
about to jump and he won't
It's a texas oil man, and he's
about to jump and he won't
listen to anybody!
About to jump and he won't
listen to anybody!
You get in here!
Listen to anybody!
You get in here!
It worked!
You get in here!
It worked!
[All cheering]
It worked!
[All cheering]
you get the $10 billion!
[All cheering]
you get the $10 billion!
A reward!
You get the $10 billion!
A reward!
Yeah, but what about a
A reward!
Yeah, but what about a
husband and a career?
Yeah, but what about a
husband and a career?
Wait.
Husband and a career?
Wait.
What's this?
Wait.
What's this?
"Whoever finds this note gets a
What's this?
"Whoever finds this note gets a
career and is perfect in it for
"Whoever finds this note gets a
career and is perfect in it for
the rest of her life, signed
Career and is perfect in it for
the rest of her life, signed
god"!
The rest of her life, signed
god"!
Oh, well, that takes care of
God"!
Oh, well, that takes care of
the career!
Oh, well, that takes care of
the career!
I love you, honey.
The career!
I love you, honey.
What about you and me tie the
I love you, honey.
What about you and me tie the
knot?
What about you and me tie the
knot?
Well, what the hey?
Knot?
Well, what the hey?
I have a confession to make.
Well, what the hey?
I have a confession to make.
I'm not really a black bellhop.
I have a confession to make.
I'm not really a black bellhop.
I'm a white millionaire posing
I'm not really a black bellhop.
I'm a white millionaire posing
as a black bellhop.
I'm a white millionaire posing
as a black bellhop.
I'm trying to find someone who
As a black bellhop.
I'm trying to find someone who
will love me for me.
I'm trying to find someone who
will love me for me.
Aww!
Will love me for me.
Aww!
Let's all get married right
Aww!
Let's all get married right
now!
Let's all get married right
now!
Yeah!
Now!
Yeah!
There's a priest!
Yeah!
There's a priest!
Yeah, and here are four
There's a priest!
Yeah, and here are four
diamond rings I always carry
Yeah, and here are four
diamond rings I always carry
with me in case I meet four
Diamond rings I always carry
with me in case I meet four
girls who want to get married
With me in case I meet four
girls who want to get married
right away all at the same time!
Girls who want to get married
right away all at the same time!
I now pronounce you man and
Right away all at the same time!
I now pronounce you man and
wife.
I now pronounce you man and
wife.
Hey, come on, let's go see
Wife.
Hey, come on, let's go see
susie in her opening night!
Hey, come on, let's go see
susie in her opening night!
Yeah, and dinner here at the
Susie in her opening night!
Yeah, and dinner here at the
hotel is on me!
Yeah, and dinner here at the
hotel is on me!
I own the place!
Ladies and gentlemen,
andy kaufman.
[Singing gibberish]
[Cheers and applause]
[Speaking gibberish]
[Laughs]
[speaking gibberish]
yeah.
[Speaking gibberish]
yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
[Speaking gibberish]
Yeah.
Yeah?
[Speaking gibberish]
[Singing gibberish]
[Applause]
♪ Abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ Abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ Abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ a bo day ♪
♪ Abi dabi da bu way ♪
♪ a bo day ♪
♪ a bo day ♪
♪ A bo day ♪
♪ a bo day ♪
♪ ki chay wa ♪
♪ A bo day ♪
♪ ki chay wa ♪
♪ ki chay wa ♪
♪ Ki chay wa ♪
♪ ki chay wa ♪
♪ yochen bo day ♪
♪ Ki chay wa ♪
♪ yochen bo day ♪
♪ yochen bo day ♪
♪ Yochen bo day ♪
♪ yochen bo day ♪
♪ ichen da bich ♪
♪ Yochen bo day ♪
♪ ichen da bich ♪
♪ ichen da bich ♪
♪ Ichen da bich ♪
♪ ichen da bich ♪
♪ yachadishibikodishavillaka
♪ Ichen da bich ♪
♪ yachadishibikodishavillaka
sekalaminakilohh ♪
♪ Yachadishibikodishavillaka
sekalaminakilohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
Sekalaminakilohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
♪ Ohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
♪ Ohh ♪
♪ ohh ♪
♪ abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ Ohh ♪
♪ abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ Abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
♪ abba dabi, abi da bu va ♪
[crowd claps rhythmically]
[Plays "shave and a haircut"]
[cheers and applause]
Announcer: and now it's time
for "bad musical," with your
host, leonard pinth-garnell.
For "bad musical," with your
host, leonard pinth-garnell.
Good evening.
Host, leonard pinth-garnell.
Good evening.
I'm leonard pinth-garnell, and
Good evening.
I'm leonard pinth-garnell, and
welcome once again to "bad
I'm leonard pinth-garnell, and
welcome once again to "bad
musical."
Welcome once again to "bad
musical."
Tonight's bad musical is
Musical."
Tonight's bad musical is
entitled "leeuwenhoek," and is
Tonight's bad musical is
entitled "leeuwenhoek," and is
in fact the story of
Entitled "leeuwenhoek," and is
in fact the story of
frederick leeuwenhoek, the dutch
In fact the story of
frederick leeuwenhoek, the dutch
eyeglass maker who perfected the
Frederick leeuwenhoek, the dutch
eyeglass maker who perfected the
first working compound
Eyeglass maker who perfected the
first working compound
microscope.
First working compound
microscope.
It is exquisitely bad.
Microscope.
It is exquisitely bad.
Who really cares about a musical
It is exquisitely bad.
Who really cares about a musical
which concerns itself with the
Who really cares about a musical
which concerns itself with the
development of the microscope?
Which concerns itself with the
development of the microscope?
Well, hans van der scheenen must
Development of the microscope?
Well, hans van der scheenen must
have, or else he wouldn't have
Well, hans van der scheenen must
have, or else he wouldn't have
written it.
Have, or else he wouldn't have
written it.
It opened on very-off-broadway
Written it.
It opened on very-off-broadway
in 1953 and closed in 2 1/2
It opened on very-off-broadway
in 1953 and closed in 2 1/2
minutes.
In 1953 and closed in 2 1/2
minutes.
It concerns leeuwenhoek's search
Minutes.
It concerns leeuwenhoek's search
for the minutae of everyday
It concerns leeuwenhoek's search
for the minutae of everyday
external phenomena versus the
For the minutae of everyday
external phenomena versus the
antagonism from his chiding
External phenomena versus the
antagonism from his chiding
dutch housewife, who only wants
Antagonism from his chiding
dutch housewife, who only wants
his attention.
Dutch housewife, who only wants
his attention.
It's basically a triangle
His attention.
It's basically a triangle
between her, leeuwenhoek, his
It's basically a triangle
between her, leeuwenhoek, his
microscope, and her delft china,
Between her, leeuwenhoek, his
microscope, and her delft china,
which is a bad triangle, because
Microscope, and her delft china,
which is a bad triangle, because
it's a rectangle.
Which is a bad triangle, because
it's a rectangle.
The musical opens and closes in
It's a rectangle.
The musical opens and closes in
leeuwenhoek's cottage in the
The musical opens and closes in
leeuwenhoek's cottage in the
dutch countryside near the old
Leeuwenhoek's cottage in the
dutch countryside near the old
heineken brewery.
Dutch countryside near the old
heineken brewery.
His wife, eva, is polishing the
Heineken brewery.
His wife, eva, is polishing the
delft china.
His wife, eva, is polishing the
delft china.
Greta, his daughter, is sewing,
Delft china.
Greta, his daughter, is sewing,
and jorg, the dishonest
Greta, his daughter, is sewing,
and jorg, the dishonest
lens-grinder of amstel, is
And jorg, the dishonest
lens-grinder of amstel, is
eavesdropping as our bad musical
Lens-grinder of amstel, is
eavesdropping as our bad musical
begins.
♪ Look out, world, here I
come ♪
♪ gonna make a splash, have some
Come ♪
♪ gonna make a splash, have some
fun ♪
♪ Gonna make a splash, have some
fun ♪
♪ 'cause I'm leeuwenhoek ♪
Fun ♪
♪ 'cause I'm leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ I can't believe that
♪ 'Cause I'm leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ I can't believe that
leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ I can't believe that
leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ he's working night and day ♪
Leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ he's working night and day ♪
♪ he's not a schlook, he's
♪ He's working night and day ♪
♪ he's not a schlook, he's
leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ He's not a schlook, he's
leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ that's all we've got to say ♪
Leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ that's all we've got to say ♪
oh, I wish you'd look at me
♪ That's all we've got to say ♪
oh, I wish you'd look at me
sometimes instead of all that
Oh, I wish you'd look at me
sometimes instead of all that
schmutz underneath your
Sometimes instead of all that
schmutz underneath your
microscope.
Schmutz underneath your
microscope.
♪ Oh, maybe I'm too big for
Microscope.
♪ Oh, maybe I'm too big for
him ♪
♪ Oh, maybe I'm too big for
him ♪
♪ maybe I'm too big ♪
Him ♪
♪ maybe I'm too big ♪
♪ if I shrunk myself down to the
♪ Maybe I'm too big ♪
♪ if I shrunk myself down to the
size of an amoeba ♪
♪ If I shrunk myself down to the
size of an amoeba ♪
♪ then maybe he would take a
Size of an amoeba ♪
♪ then maybe he would take a
look at me ♪
♪ Then maybe he would take a
look at me ♪
I can see you just fine.
Look at me ♪
I can see you just fine.
♪ Let's have sex, mrs. L. ♪
I can see you just fine.
♪ Let's have sex, mrs. L. ♪
♪ Let all the rest go to hell ♪
♪ Let's have sex, mrs. L. ♪
♪ Let all the rest go to hell ♪
♪ we'll have some fun and later
♪ Let all the rest go to hell ♪
♪ we'll have some fun and later
eat a bun ♪
♪ We'll have some fun and later
eat a bun ♪
♪ so let's have sex, mrs. L. ♪
I can't see a damn thing!
I'm a miserable failure!
I need a beer.
I'm a miserable failure!
I need a beer.
How about a heinie, honey?
I need a beer.
How about a heinie, honey?
Did you ever think of
How about a heinie, honey?
Did you ever think of
cleaning these glasses?
Did you ever think of
cleaning these glasses?
Here, now try this.
Cleaning these glasses?
Here, now try this.
[Gasps]
Here, now try this.
[Gasps]
it's a miracle!
[Gasps]
it's a miracle!
♪ I can see plasma on the
It's a miracle!
♪ I can see plasma on the
delft ♪
♪ I can see plasma on the
delft ♪
♪ plasma on the delft ♪
Delft ♪
♪ plasma on the delft ♪
plasma on the delft?
♪ Plasma on the delft ♪
plasma on the delft?
♪ Plasma on the delft ♪
Plasma on the delft?
♪ Plasma on the delft ♪
♪ I'll see blood clots as big
♪ Plasma on the delft ♪
♪ I'll see blood clots as big
as the square in amsterdam ♪
♪ I'll see blood clots as big
as the square in amsterdam ♪
♪ amsterdam ♪
As the square in amsterdam ♪
♪ amsterdam ♪
♪ hydra as big as the
♪ Amsterdam ♪
♪ hydra as big as the
windmill tower ♪
♪ Hydra as big as the
windmill tower ♪
phlegm as big as the rifts!
Windmill tower ♪
phlegm as big as the rifts!
♪ Microbes and your crobes
Phlegm as big as the rifts!
♪ Microbes and your crobes
and zygotes and my gotes ♪
♪ Microbes and your crobes
and zygotes and my gotes ♪
♪ viruses and ratifiers and
And zygotes and my gotes ♪
♪ viruses and ratifiers and
rhizoids and diatoms and
♪ Viruses and ratifiers and
rhizoids and diatoms and
microspores! ♪
Rhizoids and diatoms and
microspores! ♪
♪ And sperm ♪
Microspores! ♪
♪ And sperm ♪
♪ and eggs ♪
♪ And sperm ♪
♪ and eggs ♪
♪ and toast ♪
♪ And eggs ♪
♪ and toast ♪
♪ the most micro miniature
♪ And toast ♪
♪ the most micro miniature
eeny-beeny squeeny little teeny
♪ The most micro miniature
eeny-beeny squeeny little teeny
tiny itty-bitty teeny-weeny
Eeny-beeny squeeny little teeny
tiny itty-bitty teeny-weeny
itty-bitty little things ♪
Tiny itty-bitty teeny-weeny
itty-bitty little things ♪
♪ every dot, every speck,
Itty-bitty little things ♪
♪ every dot, every speck,
every fleck, every flea ♪
♪ Every dot, every speck,
every fleck, every flea ♪
♪ in holland ♪
Every fleck, every flea ♪
♪ in holland ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ In holland ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
♪ Leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ Leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek! ♪
Leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ leeuwenhoek! ♪
♪ Leeuwenhoek ♪
♪ Leeuwenhoek! ♪
♪ Leeuwenhoek ♪
what a kook!
♪ Leeuwenhoek ♪
what a kook!
Leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
What a kook!
Leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
leeuwenhoek, what a kook.
Leeuwenhoek, leeuwenhoek,
leeuwenhoek, what a kook.
Marvelously bad, really bites
Leeuwenhoek, what a kook.
Marvelously bad, really bites
the big one.
Marvelously bad, really bites
the big one.
Tonight's cast of "leeuwenhoek"
The big one.
Tonight's cast of "leeuwenhoek"
was entirely played by the
Tonight's cast of "leeuwenhoek"
was entirely played by the
service staff of the glendale
Was entirely played by the
service staff of the glendale
hospital for wrist disorders.
Service staff of the glendale
hospital for wrist disorders.
Thank you.
Hospital for wrist disorders.
Thank you.
Join us next week on "bad
Thank you.
Join us next week on "bad
musical" when we present "seven
Join us next week on "bad
musical" when we present "seven
upholsterers in search of seven
Musical" when we present "seven
upholsterers in search of seven
chairs."
Upholsterers in search of seven
chairs."
Until then, this is your host,
Chairs."
Until then, this is your host,
leonard pinth-garnell, bidding
Until then, this is your host,
leonard pinth-garnell, bidding
you good evening.
How you doing tonight,
willie?
I'm doing fine.
Willie?
I'm doing fine.
How are you doing?
I'm doing fine.
How are you doing?
I'm doing fine.
How are you doing?
I'm doing fine.
You ready to sing our new song?
I'm doing fine.
You ready to sing our new song?
I'm ready. Let's do it.
You ready to sing our new song?
I'm ready. Let's do it.
Well, hit it, boys.
I'm ready. Let's do it.
Well, hit it, boys.
[Band begins "something to
Well, hit it, boys.
[Band begins "something to
brag about"]
[Band begins "something to
brag about"]
♪ well, I've got a real
[Brag about"]
♪ well, I've got a real
important job ♪
♪ Well, I've got a real
important job ♪
♪ in a large office building ♪
Important job ♪
♪ in a large office building ♪
♪ riding people in an elevator ♪
♪ In a large office building ♪
♪ riding people in an elevator ♪
♪ and I drive a '57 chevrolet ♪
♪ Riding people in an elevator ♪
♪ and I drive a '57 chevrolet ♪
♪ with a busted taillight,
♪ And I drive a '57 chevrolet ♪
♪ with a busted taillight,
burned-out valves, and a leaky
♪ With a busted taillight,
burned-out valves, and a leaky
radiator ♪
Burned-out valves, and a leaky
radiator ♪
♪ and I wear a $20 suit that I
Radiator ♪
♪ and I wear a $20 suit that I
bought from j.c. Penney's back
♪ And I wear a $20 suit that I
bought from j.c. Penney's back
in 1962 ♪
Bought from j.c. Penney's back
in 1962 ♪
♪ but I've got something to brag
In 1962 ♪
♪ but I've got something to brag
about, something to brag about ♪
♪ But I've got something to brag
about, something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
About, something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
you ♪
♪ Something to brag about in
you ♪
♪ well, I'm a short-order
You ♪
♪ well, I'm a short-order
cook in an all-night café ♪
♪ Well, I'm a short-order
cook in an all-night café ♪
♪ down on 18th avenue and 12th
Cook in an all-night café ♪
♪ down on 18th avenue and 12th
street ♪
♪ Down on 18th avenue and 12th
street ♪
♪ I wear a swinging mini dress ♪
Street ♪
♪ I wear a swinging mini dress ♪
♪ that I made for myself ♪
♪ I wear a swinging mini dress ♪
♪ that I made for myself ♪
♪ from mama's kitchen curtains
♪ That I made for myself ♪
♪ from mama's kitchen curtains
and old bed sheets ♪
♪ From mama's kitchen curtains
and old bed sheets ♪
♪ I got 17 pages of top value
And old bed sheets ♪
♪ I got 17 pages of top value
stamps ♪
♪ I got 17 pages of top value
stamps ♪
♪ one old pair of shoes ♪
Stamps ♪
♪ one old pair of shoes ♪
♪ but I've got something to brag
♪ One old pair of shoes ♪
♪ but I've got something to brag
about, something to brag about ♪
♪ But I've got something to brag
about, something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
About, something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
you ♪
♪ Something to brag about in
you ♪
♪ well, when you're with the
You ♪
♪ well, when you're with the
fellas, I know you start
♪ Well, when you're with the
fellas, I know you start
bragging 'bout my hourglass
Fellas, I know you start
bragging 'bout my hourglass
figure and my big brown eyes ♪
Bragging 'bout my hourglass
figure and my big brown eyes ♪
♪ and you tell your
Figure and my big brown eyes ♪
♪ and you tell your
girlfriends 'bout my sweet,
♪ And you tell your
girlfriends 'bout my sweet,
sweet loving ♪
Girlfriends 'bout my sweet,
sweet loving ♪
♪ and that's one figure that
Sweet loving ♪
♪ and that's one figure that
money can't buy ♪
♪ And that's one figure that
money can't buy ♪
♪ so let's get married in the
Money can't buy ♪
♪ so let's get married in the
not-too-distant future ♪
♪ So let's get married in the
not-too-distant future ♪
♪ we'll rent a little flat on
Not-too-distant future ♪
♪ we'll rent a little flat on
29th street ♪
♪ We'll rent a little flat on
29th street ♪
♪ you know, we'll hang our
29Th street ♪
♪ you know, we'll hang our
washing from the clothesline on
♪ You know, we'll hang our
washing from the clothesline on
the window ♪
Washing from the clothesline on
the window ♪
♪ we'll feast on cornbread,
The window ♪
♪ we'll feast on cornbread,
butter beans and lunch meat ♪
♪ We'll feast on cornbread,
butter beans and lunch meat ♪
♪ we won't have a thermostat,
Butter beans and lunch meat ♪
♪ we won't have a thermostat,
a big, long cadillac, but we'll
♪ We won't have a thermostat,
a big, long cadillac, but we'll
have a love that's true ♪
A big, long cadillac, but we'll
have a love that's true ♪
♪ and I'll have ♪
Have a love that's true ♪
♪ and I'll have ♪
♪ something to brag about ♪
♪ And I'll have ♪
♪ something to brag about ♪
♪ yeah, and I'll have
♪ Something to brag about ♪
♪ yeah, and I'll have
something to brag about ♪
♪ Yeah, and I'll have
something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
Something to brag about ♪
♪ something to brag about in
you ♪
♪ Something to brag about in
you ♪
[cheers and applause]
Right, mom, and on the fifth
night, larry gave me a beautiful
matching top, and then last
Night, larry gave me a beautiful
matching top, and then last
night I got a lovely matching
Matching top, and then last
night I got a lovely matching
purse, and tomorrow, for the
Night I got a lovely matching
purse, and tomorrow, for the
last night of chanukah, larry's
Purse, and tomorrow, for the
last night of chanukah, larry's
taking me out to dinner so I can
Last night of chanukah, larry's
taking me out to dinner so I can
wear the whole matching outfit.
Taking me out to dinner so I can
wear the whole matching outfit.
Yeah, it's very sweet.
Wear the whole matching outfit.
Yeah, it's very sweet.
Well, mom, look, I've got to
Yeah, it's very sweet.
Well, mom, look, I've got to
run, because we're having
Well, mom, look, I've got to
run, because we're having
larry's boss and his wife over
Run, because we're having
larry's boss and his wife over
for dinner.
Larry's boss and his wife over
for dinner.
Yes, they're gentile. Yeah.
For dinner.
Yes, they're gentile. Yeah.
Well, they're a very nice
Yes, they're gentile. Yeah.
Well, they're a very nice
couple, and I thought we'd have
Well, they're a very nice
couple, and I thought we'd have
them over for dinner and light
Couple, and I thought we'd have
them over for dinner and light
the candles and tell them a
Them over for dinner and light
the candles and tell them a
little about chanukah.
The candles and tell them a
little about chanukah.
Well... Oh, mom, larry's home.
Little about chanukah.
Well... Oh, mom, larry's home.
I got to go.
Well... Oh, mom, larry's home.
I got to go.
I got to check dinner. Okay.
I got to go.
I got to check dinner. Okay.
Yeah, we're having chicken,
I got to check dinner. Okay.
Yeah, we're having chicken,
right.
Yeah, we're having chicken,
right.
All right. All right.
Right.
All right. All right.
We'll call you soon.
All right. All right.
We'll call you soon.
All right. All right.
We'll call you soon.
All right. All right.
Okay, mom. We'll call monday.
All right. All right.
Okay, mom. We'll call monday.
All right. All right. All right.
Okay, mom. We'll call monday.
All right. All right. All right.
Bye, mom. Bye.
All right. All right. All right.
Bye, mom. Bye.
Hi, honey!
Bye, mom. Bye.
Hi, honey!
Boy, am I starved.
Hi, honey!
Boy, am I starved.
Larry, well, we're having
Boy, am I starved.
Larry, well, we're having
your favorite.
Larry, well, we're having
your favorite.
Oh, roast pork.
Your favorite.
Oh, roast pork.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, roast pork.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped off the lincoln deli
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped off the lincoln deli
to pick up this coffee ring.
I stopped off the lincoln deli
to pick up this coffee ring.
But, larry, the nelsons are
To pick up this coffee ring.
But, larry, the nelsons are
bringing dessert.
But, larry, the nelsons are
bringing dessert.
This is just in case I don't
Bringing dessert.
This is just in case I don't
like what they bring.
This is just in case I don't
like what they bring.
Well, larry, you promise me
Like what they bring.
Well, larry, you promise me
you won't eat it till after they
Well, larry, you promise me
you won't eat it till after they
leave.
You won't eat it till after they
leave.
Okay.
Leave.
Okay.
All right, honey.
Okay.
All right, honey.
Now, let me get this straight.
All right, honey.
Now, let me get this straight.
It's d*ck and beverly, right?
Now, let me get this straight.
It's d*ck and beverly, right?
Right.
It's d*ck and beverly, right?
Right.
Now, what'd I call her last
Right.
Now, what'd I call her last
time... Bev or beverly?
Now, what'd I call her last
time... Bev or beverly?
I don't remember.
Time... Bev or beverly?
I don't remember.
[Doorbell rings]
I don't remember.
[Doorbell rings]
you get the door.
[Doorbell rings]
you get the door.
I'll go make the gravy.
You get the door.
I'll go make the gravy.
Okay.
I'll go make the gravy.
Okay.
Hi!
Okay.
Hi!
How are you?
Hi!
How are you?
Boy, it's colder than a
How are you?
Boy, it's colder than a
witch's freezer out there.
Boy, it's colder than a
witch's freezer out there.
Fruit for dessert.
Witch's freezer out there.
Fruit for dessert.
Well, thank you, beverly.
Fruit for dessert.
Well, thank you, beverly.
Fruit.
Well, thank you, beverly.
Fruit.
Just call me bev.
Fruit.
Just call me bev.
Bev. Okay.
Just call me bev.
Bev. Okay.
d*ck, give me your coat.
Bev. Okay.
d*ck, give me your coat.
Oh, let me take your coat,
d*ck, give me your coat.
Oh, let me take your coat,
please.
Oh, let me take your coat,
please.
All right.
Please.
All right.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you very much.
Larry, where is your
Oh, thank you very much.
Larry, where is your
attractive wife, anyway?
Larry, where is your
attractive wife, anyway?
Oh, here I am!
Attractive wife, anyway?
Oh, here I am!
Hi, d*ck. Hi, bever...
Oh, here I am!
Hi, d*ck. Hi, bever...
Bobbi, I'll tell you, these
Hi, d*ck. Hi, bever...
Bobbi, I'll tell you, these
"cha-noo-kuh" decorations are
Bobbi, I'll tell you, these
"cha-noo-kuh" decorations are
adorable.
"Cha-noo-kuh" decorations are
adorable.
Oh, thank you.
Adorable.
Oh, thank you.
Honey, that's chhhanukah.
Oh, thank you.
Honey, that's chhhanukah.
Am I right, larry?
Honey, that's chhhanukah.
Am I right, larry?
Yeah.
Am I right, larry?
Yeah.
Chhhanukah. Chhhanukah.
Yeah.
Chhhanukah. Chhhanukah.
Oh, come on, everybody, be
Chhhanukah. Chhhanukah.
Oh, come on, everybody, be
comfortable.
Oh, come on, everybody, be
comfortable.
Sit down, have a seat.
Comfortable.
Sit down, have a seat.
Well, I'm starved.
Sit down, have a seat.
Well, I'm starved.
Is dinner ready, honey?
Well, I'm starved.
Is dinner ready, honey?
Well, honey, first, I thought
Is dinner ready, honey?
Well, honey, first, I thought
we'd light the chanukah candles.
Well, honey, first, I thought
we'd light the chanukah candles.
You see, because it's sundown.
We'd light the chanukah candles.
You see, because it's sundown.
You see, a jewish day begins at
You see, because it's sundown.
You see, a jewish day begins at
sundown because the jewish
You see, a jewish day begins at
sundown because the jewish
calendar dates back 5,000 years,
Sundown because the jewish
calendar dates back 5,000 years,
and the sun was always the most
Calendar dates back 5,000 years,
and the sun was always the most
reliable clock.
And the sun was always the most
reliable clock.
Yeah.
Reliable clock.
Yeah.
You know, judaism predates
Yeah.
You know, judaism predates
christianity.
You know, judaism predates
christianity.
Well, of course.
Christianity.
Well, of course.
Jesus was a jew.
Well, of course.
Jesus was a jew.
And if it hadn't been for
Jesus was a jew.
And if it hadn't been for
judaism, then jesus would never
And if it hadn't been for
judaism, then jesus would never
have been born.
Judaism, then jesus would never
have been born.
That's right.
Have been born.
That's right.
That's why it always puzzled
That's right.
That's why it always puzzled
me why the jews k*lled christ.
That's why it always puzzled
me why the jews k*lled christ.
Uh...
Me why the jews k*lled christ.
Uh...
Oh, no, that's... We didn't k*ll
Uh...
Oh, no, that's... We didn't k*ll
him.
Oh, no, that's... We didn't k*ll
him.
The romans k*lled him.
Him.
The romans k*lled him.
No, I believe the jews k*lled
The romans k*lled him.
No, I believe the jews k*lled
christ.
No, I believe the jews k*lled
christ.
No, that's a myth.
Christ.
No, that's a myth.
Well, it doesn't have
No, that's a myth.
Well, it doesn't have
anything to do with the chanukah
Well, it doesn't have
anything to do with the chanukah
story.
Anything to do with the chanukah
story.
Now, this candelabra is called a
Story.
Now, this candelabra is called a
menorah, and these seven candles
Now, this candelabra is called a
menorah, and these seven candles
represent that this is the
Menorah, and these seven candles
represent that this is the
seventh night of chanukah, which
Represent that this is the
seventh night of chanukah, which
lasts for eight nights.
Seventh night of chanukah, which
lasts for eight nights.
And this candle is called the
Lasts for eight nights.
And this candle is called the
shamas.
And this candle is called the
shamas.
And you use this candle to light
Shamas.
And you use this candle to light
all the other candles.
And you use this candle to light
all the other candles.
The shamas represents the
All the other candles.
The shamas represents the
candle that burned miraculously
The shamas represents the
candle that burned miraculously
for eight days.
Candle that burned miraculously
for eight days.
No, larry, the shamas
For eight days.
No, larry, the shamas
represents the everlasting
No, larry, the shamas
represents the everlasting
light.
Represents the everlasting
light.
You see, around 150 b.c.e., The
Light.
You see, around 150 b.c.e., The
syrians had taken over the
You see, around 150 b.c.e., The
syrians had taken over the
temple and allowed the
Syrians had taken over the
temple and allowed the
everlasting light to go out.
Temple and allowed the
everlasting light to go out.
How can it be the everlasting
Everlasting light to go out.
How can it be the everlasting
light if it went out?
How can it be the everlasting
light if it went out?
Larry, would you let me tell
Light if it went out?
Larry, would you let me tell
the story?
Larry, would you let me tell
the story?
Now, the syrians had taken over
The story?
Now, the syrians had taken over
palestine, where israel is
Now, the syrians had taken over
palestine, where israel is
today, and they had defiled the
Palestine, where israel is
today, and they had defiled the
temple, the center of jewish
Today, and they had defiled the
temple, the center of jewish
life.
Temple, the center of jewish
life.
Now, the jews formed an army,
Life.
Now, the jews formed an army,
and even though they were
Now, the jews formed an army,
and even though they were
outnumbered 10 to 1, they were
And even though they were
outnumbered 10 to 1, they were
still victorious because of
Outnumbered 10 to 1, they were
still victorious because of
their remarkable leader,
Still victorious because of
their remarkable leader,
judah maccabee, or
Their remarkable leader,
judah maccabee, or
judah "the hammer" maccabee, who
Judah maccabee, or
judah "the hammer" maccabee, who
was so called because he was
Judah "the hammer" maccabee, who
was so called because he was
such a strong soldier.
Was so called because he was
such a strong soldier.
Hooray for judah!
Such a strong soldier.
Hooray for judah!
Hooray!
Hooray for judah!
Hooray!
Yeah, thanks.
Hooray!
Yeah, thanks.
Boy, what a victory!
Yeah, thanks.
Boy, what a victory!
10 To 1! They had us!
Boy, what a victory!
10 To 1! They had us!
The jews discovered the
10 To 1! They had us!
The jews discovered the
extinguished everlasting light.
The jews discovered the
extinguished everlasting light.
Uh-oh, the everlasting light
Extinguished everlasting light.
Uh-oh, the everlasting light
went out.
Uh-oh, the everlasting light
went out.
Hey, how can it be the
Went out.
Hey, how can it be the
everlasting light if it went
Hey, how can it be the
everlasting light if it went
out?
Everlasting light if it went
out?
Oh, the everlasting light is
Out?
Oh, the everlasting light is
a symbol of the light of faith
Oh, the everlasting light is
a symbol of the light of faith
that always burns in the hearts
A symbol of the light of faith
that always burns in the hearts
of jews.
That always burns in the hearts
of jews.
Our victory today proves that
Of jews.
Our victory today proves that
the light had never really gone
Our victory today proves that
the light had never really gone
out.
The light had never really gone
out.
We must find some oil as soon as
Out.
We must find some oil as soon as
possible to rekindle the light
We must find some oil as soon as
possible to rekindle the light
and keep it burning.
Possible to rekindle the light
and keep it burning.
Oil?
And keep it burning.
Oil?
Oil.
Oil?
Oil.
But, amongst the devastation,
Oil.
But, amongst the devastation,
the jews could find only one
But, amongst the devastation,
the jews could find only one
vessel of oil, enough to keep
The jews could find only one
vessel of oil, enough to keep
the light burning just one day.
Vessel of oil, enough to keep
the light burning just one day.
Well, I'm sorry, judah.
The light burning just one day.
Well, I'm sorry, judah.
This is it.
Well, I'm sorry, judah.
This is it.
Well, it's better than
This is it.
Well, it's better than
nothing.
Well, it's better than
nothing.
So, judah rekindled the
Nothing.
So, judah rekindled the
light, and even though there was
So, judah rekindled the
light, and even though there was
oil for only one day, when two
Light, and even though there was
oil for only one day, when two
days had passed, the light was
Oil for only one day, when two
days had passed, the light was
still burning.
Days had passed, the light was
still burning.
Hey, look, the light's still
Still burning.
Hey, look, the light's still
burning.
Hey, look, the light's still
burning.
Are you sure this is the same
Burning.
Are you sure this is the same
oil we usually use?
Are you sure this is the same
oil we usually use?
Judah, it's the same oil.
Oil we usually use?
Judah, it's the same oil.
Well, it'll go out soon.
Judah, it's the same oil.
Well, it'll go out soon.
We've just been lucky, I'm sure.
Well, it'll go out soon.
We've just been lucky, I'm sure.
But the third and then the
We've just been lucky, I'm sure.
But the third and then the
fourth days passed, and still
But the third and then the
fourth days passed, and still
the light burned.
Fourth days passed, and still
the light burned.
Boy, look at that light.
The light burned.
Boy, look at that light.
This is unbelievable.
Boy, look at that light.
This is unbelievable.
Okay, somebody's sneaking in
This is unbelievable.
Okay, somebody's sneaking in
oil while the others are
Okay, somebody's sneaking in
oil while the others are
sleeping.
Oil while the others are
sleeping.
No, michael and I stayed up
Sleeping.
No, michael and I stayed up
all night just to check.
No, michael and I stayed up
all night just to check.
Well, frankly, right now,
All night just to check.
Well, frankly, right now,
this is very close to a miracle.
Well, frankly, right now,
this is very close to a miracle.
And the fifth day and the
This is very close to a miracle.
And the fifth day and the
sixth day passed, and still the
And the fifth day and the
sixth day passed, and still the
light burned on.
Sixth day passed, and still the
light burned on.
Okay, this is definitely a
Light burned on.
Okay, this is definitely a
miracle.
Okay, this is definitely a
miracle.
Hey, judah says this is a
Miracle.
Hey, judah says this is a
miracle!
Hey, judah says this is a
miracle!
All: hooray!
Miracle!
All: hooray!
And the seventh day passed,
All: hooray!
And the seventh day passed,
but still the light burned on.
And the seventh day passed,
but still the light burned on.
Then came the eighth and final
But still the light burned on.
Then came the eighth and final
night.
Then came the eighth and final
night.
Hey, everybody, the light
Night.
Hey, everybody, the light
just went out.
Hey, everybody, the light
just went out.
Oh, nuts, and I wanted to see
Just went out.
Oh, nuts, and I wanted to see
it go out.
Oh, nuts, and I wanted to see
it go out.
Men, I have something to say.
It go out.
Men, I have something to say.
I think that this whole thing,
Men, I have something to say.
I think that this whole thing,
the miraculous victory, this
I think that this whole thing,
the miraculous victory, this
miracle with the light... It's a
The miraculous victory, this
miracle with the light... It's a
holy day.
Miracle with the light... It's a
holy day.
And I say the holy day should be
Holy day.
And I say the holy day should be
celebrated for eight days and
And I say the holy day should be
celebrated for eight days and
nights, because that's how long
Celebrated for eight days and
nights, because that's how long
the candle burned.
Nights, because that's how long
the candle burned.
And what should we call this
The candle burned.
And what should we call this
holy day?
And what should we call this
holy day?
Oh, I don't know.
Holy day?
Oh, I don't know.
Who will give the holy day a
Oh, I don't know.
Who will give the holy day a
name?
Who will give the holy day a
name?
I will!
Name?
I will!
Okay, then, chanukah, you
I will!
Okay, then, chanukah, you
name the holy day.
Okay, then, chanukah, you
name the holy day.
I'll think about it.
Name the holy day.
I'll think about it.
All right.
I'll think about it.
All right.
And that's the story of
All right.
And that's the story of
chanukah and why it's celebrated
And that's the story of
chanukah and why it's celebrated
for eight days.
Chanukah and why it's celebrated
for eight days.
That is a beautiful story,
For eight days.
That is a beautiful story,
bobbi.
That is a beautiful story,
bobbi.
Thank you.
Bobbi.
Thank you.
Now, I've lighted the candles,
Thank you.
Now, I've lighted the candles,
and this is the prayer we say.
Now, I've lighted the candles,
and this is the prayer we say.
Barukh atah adonai, eloheinu,
And this is the prayer we say.
Barukh atah adonai, eloheinu,
melekh ha'olam asher kidishanu
Barukh atah adonai, eloheinu,
melekh ha'olam asher kidishanu
b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu l'had'lik
Melekh ha'olam asher kidishanu
b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu l'had'lik
neir shel chanukah.
B'mitz'votav v'tzivanu l'had'lik
neir shel chanukah.
Blessed art thou, oh, lord, our
Neir shel chanukah.
Blessed art thou, oh, lord, our
god, king of the universe,
Blessed art thou, oh, lord, our
god, king of the universe,
who commanded us to kindle the
God, king of the universe,
who commanded us to kindle the
chanukah lights.
Who commanded us to kindle the
chanukah lights.
Amen.
Chanukah lights.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
You know, usually I'm pretty
Amen.
You know, usually I'm pretty
cynical about...
You know, usually I'm pretty
cynical about...
Holidays.
Cynical about...
Holidays.
I got a little misty, too,
Holidays.
I got a little misty, too,
larry.
I got a little misty, too,
larry.
You know, usually, I'm pretty
Larry.
You know, usually, I'm pretty
cynical about the holiday
You know, usually, I'm pretty
cynical about the holiday
season, but this chanukah
Cynical about the holiday
season, but this chanukah
celebration just might make this
Season, but this chanukah
celebration just might make this
one of the most meaningful
Celebration just might make this
one of the most meaningful
christmases I've ever had.
One of the most meaningful
christmases I've ever had.
That's a nice thing to say,
Christmases I've ever had.
That's a nice thing to say,
d*ck.
That's a nice thing to say,
d*ck.
Well, let's eat!
d*ck.
Well, let's eat!
Let's eat!
Well, let's eat!
Let's eat!
Everybody knows that!
Hi.
I've had a great time tonight,
and I want to thank "saturday
I've had a great time tonight,
and I want to thank "saturday
night live" for having me here.
And I want to thank "saturday
night live" for having me here.
I want to thank willie nelson
Night live" for having me here.
I want to thank willie nelson
and andy kaufman and, of course,
I want to thank willie nelson
and andy kaufman and, of course,
the not-ready-for-prime-time
And andy kaufman and, of course,
the not-ready-for-prime-time
players.
The not-ready-for-prime-time
players.
Have you all had a good time?
Players.
Have you all had a good time?
[Cheers and applause]
Have you all had a good time?
[Cheers and applause]
thank you for coming!
[Cheers and applause]
thank you for coming!
We appreciate it.
Thank you for coming!
We appreciate it.
[Band plays]
Announcer: next saturday
Night, our host will be the
Winner of "saturday night
Live's" anyone can host contest,
And our musical guest will be
The sex pistols.
Until then, this is your
Friendly neighborhood announcer,
Don pardo, saying good night.
03x07 - Mary Kay Place/Willie Nelson
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.